flare up of porn addiction... rrrrr and yeah!

[Svarah]

hmmmm


Right around starting FST again an old porn addiction flared up. Which isn't surprising.

What was interesting is the porn I chose to watch. Initially it was hardcore stuff. with some BDSM and "sex machines" stuff I had never really watched much of.

Then it switched to soft-core- women doing sexy things non-nude and nude and a lot of public nudity stuff.

Then I broke the cycle.



There were some very odd benefits from it though.

The main was is my eyes. I have very mystrious eye troubles... I am genrally only able to use the computer for 5 minutes, 10 at the most before they get VERY fatigued. I don't read anymore, Don't watch movies much. Not only do my eyes get very tired, it also effects my energy and mood, if I "push" through my eye fatigue and don't stop- I can and do easily enter deep deep depressions.



I was able to watch porn for HOURS with little no eye problems! And energetically I was energized. I was frustrated with how I was spending my time, no depression, no eye stuff.


I took a month off from the porn and took a little dip in yesterday. It was not satisfying... and I was able to consciously stop. And decided not to do that again for awhile

And again, my eyes were fine, my mood was fine.


Usually 5 minutes on the computer is a little downer, 10 minutes is overdoing it..... and 20 minutes of porn yesterday left me energized, feeling free and my eyes were fine.


Today the urge to view it again came up and instead of acting on it, I tried to let the energy flow through me... and low and behold, here I am on FST into minute 10 or so, with no problems.


Apparently porn (or thinking of porn) really opens me up, and apparently the eye/fatigue/depression stuff is related to a closing down.


Life- a mysterious challenging wonderful puzzle adventure


xo,


S.e.e






Eventually after a couple of weeks the eye strain added up