2019 so far

[Gopi]

I started my 2019 on a happy note with my family in India. I got an opportunity to spend some quality time with my maternal grandmother, one of my favorite people. She was 96 and passed away earlier this year surrounded by family at home. It is a strange sort of sadness I feel because I really cannot ask for anything more. She lived a full life and I feel very lucky to have had her in my life. She faced a lot of difficulties, helped anyone in whatever way she could, and never gave up on life. Her only regret in life was that she was not allowed to complete high school and had to get married at the age of 14. And yet she managed to make all her 8 children become college graduates - specifically, her two daughters (my mom and aunt) have Masters degree, something that she was very proud of. She sang songs, drew mesmerizing kolams (mandala type knot work), loved movies, taught me how to sell sarees, and cooked yummy food. I miss her. Thinking about her gives me strength.
Later during the year, I 'lost' two close friends. I do not wish to get into details. Both of them are alive (I hope) but not in a good place. Sometimes reality just sucks. I feel angry, sad, disappointed, and irritated. Guide keeps reminding me that the story is not yet over. But it still hurts to have loved and lost. Sometimes I wish someone would just hold me while I fall apart for a few minutes. I am taking refuge in Goddess and God. And allowing myself to experience things as they arise. I did not know it was possible to feel sad and strong at the same time.
Thank you Goddess.

[Gopi]

I have been experiencing a lot of self-doubt and feeling pessimistic about the future for the past of couple of weeks.
Old self must die before being reborn as new to serve Goddess better.
One of the important on-going lessons has been about showing me how much energy I spend/waste by worrying.
Recently, I was looking for inspiration to pull me out of my funk.
My guide showed a picture of myself a few years ago.
I was a bit startled at this because I distinctly remember feeling like I was not doing enough at that time.
The lesson was to see how much energy and priceless time I had wasted in the past by worrying about whether I was doing the right thing or doing enough.
It was sort of a full circle moment to realize and accept that what I did in the past (and judged myself harshly for being imperfect) is what inspires and gives me strength right now.
I am grateful for the lesson and also feel a bit like a hungry fool who does not know how to eat.
So now I am worried about worrying too much?! LOL...

As they say, all worrying is sign that surrender is not complete.
We hold on to bits of fear and past hurt without even realizing till Goddess brings it to light for surrender and release.
Whenever I used to complain to one of my professor about how difficult doing research is, he used to respond: "It's never too late to give up!"  LOL...
Giving up my worries.
Giving up my need to be in control.
Giving up my obsession to be perfect all the time.
Giving up my fears of being wrong and hurt.
Giving up my insecurities of not being/doing enough.
Giving up my close-minded scarcity.
Goddess take these from me and transmute them as you see fit. Thank you very much.

[begeegs]

I can relate to both of your posts here, Gopi. I have found that past friendships have gone away as well as they seemed to reflect how I used to be. There is sadness in that, but I then think about what I have (my family) and things like this site, which I have found which brings happiness. It is through that those things that I can hope to reflect to others in my interactions with them without being preachy (or trying to become less so ;-)).

Worrying is something that I am also prone to, but I guess that through things that you and others have posted here along with the practices, I have learned not to worry and leave it to Goddess (easier said than done). It has stopped me from becoming as polarized and paranoid about politics (I am a political junkie. I love reading about it. Probably an addiction to drama - lol!) and things like climate change. I can still read about it, but now become more detached to it which is new.

Hopefully, you have an easier time of it in the very near future!