how do I stop of the cycle of lost and move forward

derick · Mar 18, 2018, 06:20:31 AM

Hi,

I've been in a spiral of losing everything for at least the last 15 years. I will work hard and see gains and life seems like it is going well and than bam the unexpected will happen and I will find myself wondering if I am going to be homeless.

I lost count how many times I lost everything just to build it back up to lose again. I am too tired to continue with this trend.

At the same time I am the sole breadwinner of my family and have kids so desperately need to be able to move past this. I've tried to surrender this all to goddess and trust. However, it seems whether I actively try to work on it or go with the flow I end up in the same position.

I am at a loss as to what I should do at this point. Any recommendation/suggestion is greatly appreciated.

Thank you,

Derick

Indigo · Mar 22, 2018, 06:33:53 PM

I have been through what you are experiencing. I can really only offer you a description of my journey. I have been married for the last 17 years and have five children. I spent most of those 17 years worrying myself to death about how I would provide for our financial needs. Always treading water. Just waiting to go under. Wondering if this would be the last breath for me and my loved ones. It may sound like an exaggeration, but that is how real it felt to me. I later learned that is called PTSD.

There have been some hard start overs. At 29 I experienced a major depressive episode and had to be hospitalized twice. I was terminated from my position and spent six months recovering. A couple of years back, I was just plain fired for fucking up on a case. Again, intense depression, and having to start over again in another job. Actually, now that I think about it, I was let go from another job also. A year ago I was laid off and was out of work for six months. Not easy shit to deal with.

So what changed? How is it that I sleep pretty well these days? I guess the simple answer for me is that I learned to listen to pain. The pain was always trying to tell me something about how my way of doing things was fucking things up. For me, listening to the pain, involved two things that took time to develop. First, basic meditation practices helped me to ground and understand that I was not my paranoid pattern of thinking and that safety and security was my natural state of being. Second, to hear better, I had to give up a shitload of compulsive behaviors like drinking, smoking, porn, over working, ect....It was so easy to run to those things to drowned out the pain that wanted to tell me simple things about myself.

Lastly, somehow all this led to trust. You would think that repeated beatings would only lead to the expectations of more beatings, but somehow the pain of it all helped me to see the truth. That no matter how bad it seemed, it was really ok. Things were ok just as they were, job or no job, debt or no debt, somehow we always made it. As trust began dawn and take root, my financial situation improved with it. I hope that my story in someway is able to help you in your struggle. Hang in there.

derick · Mar 23, 2018, 02:44:16 PM

Thanks Indigo for sharing your experience. I feel a bit better knowing that others have gone through this and moved on and are better for it. I

I've been doing a lot of praying and meditation and I can feel the energy lightening.

The word "trust" resonated with me and it does feel like I'm being back into a corner where I cannot solve things on my own and need to trust that things will work out. So easy for me to say the words "let go" and "trust" but so much harder for me to do. I guess I am getting a strong nudge to help me out in that area.

Mystress · Mar 24, 2018, 06:59:15 PM

"Wishcraft" by Barbara Sher, shes got a website supporting too. Everybody comes into duality with some sort of gift to offer the world, to pay their way. Finding out what it is, is the tricky part and sometimes involves inventing your own job like I did. She is really good at helping people identify what their passions and talents are, and how to turn it into a career.

Yeah the cycle of loss is familiar. Usually comes of some kind of resistance to the flow.

derick · Mar 27, 2018, 10:41:11 AM

Thank you Mystress - I will check out the book.

Another question have anyone feel like they are in a constant dream state like they are watching a movie or life is not real? I remember feeling this first as a child and then periodic periods throughout my life. It is pretty constant these days -like I am here but not here.

Through my Tai Chi experience I began interpreted this feeling as me being out of my body or ungrounded. However, now I am wondering if this is just a phase on the journey or just the way I am.

Indigo · Mar 27, 2018, 03:16:09 PM

What you have described resonates with me, so I am going to take a stab at it. I was diagnosed with a dissociative disorder three years ago. I have had the same experience of feeling out of body and cut off. In psychological jargon they are called derealization and depersonalization and represent a disintegration of the psyche/body mind.

The psyches of traumatized people find creative ways to cut off threat by dividing up conscious/unconscious experience. The degree to which a person dissociates is on a continuum. Healthy people experience dissociation in ways such as spacing out while driving and not remembering the last two miles on the road. On the other end of the spectrum is multiple personality disorder. I am somewhere between halfway to three quarters of the way down the spectrum. I am not taken over by my parts, but they can have significant influence over my feelings and behavior if I do not stay grounded and aware of who is present.

First, I should say that we are all parts. Our personality is not some monolithic construction, but consists of a community of parts that work together to form what we call our personality. A reasonably good childhood means that all your parts function pretty well and the communication between these parts is pretty good. Everyone gets a say in the boardroom of consciousness. Trauma completely fucks up what would be a normal working community. Some members hold rage, shame, self-blame and are partitioned off from the rest of the community so that a child can survive. Some parts never get to develop and become what they wanted or should have been. Feelings and experiences are hid or lost. Communication between parts is often strained and difficult. Reaching any kind of consensus can be excruciating. One becomes so cut off from oneself and from everything around you that you feel like you are not really alive. You go about your business almost like a robot; you think and act, but no feeling.

If this resonates, I would encourage you to do some googling on dissociative disorders, especially depersonalization and derealization. I have made good progress in therapy over the last three years and would be open to share my experience and knowledge if it could assist you in anyway.

derick · Mar 28, 2018, 09:06:29 AM

Indigo,

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. It help me clarify some things.

I am still engaged in life so I don't think I am experiencing dissociation disorder as describe by psychologically. Although I recognize they may feel differently.

I am not alarm by this feeling so much that I am curious. I accepted long ago that I have certain experiences that people might deem as unusual.

The feeling of being in a movie or wondering if this is the real me or I am just experiencing a dream comes and go base on my awareness at the moment. I just notice lately that it increase after meditating. It like I'm getting further away in a sense each time. I am still able to engage with my family and the world but just from what seems a expansive presence. It feels as what is described as the witness state except I don't necessarily have the peace or non emotion as sometimes described when in the witness state.

As I write this I am realizing maybe I am less emotional. Hmm....something to pay attention to.I guess I am noticing that I can still be triggered and react while I am in this state but perhaps it is less. As I think about it more I am definitely reacting less normally I would be completely freaked out by my financial circumstances but I've been surprised with how I am still able to go on with less stress than I would normally have in such a situation.

Seems things are moving faster these days and part of me is ready to accept it and wants it but another part of me is trying to resist and is uncomfortable with it.

I guess the reason for my question is I am wondering if I should accept and go deeper into this state with no worries knowing that no matter how far away it feels I am still here and present just from a more expansive nature and it will be okay. Versus feeling like I should be cautious going deeper into this state. Again as I am writing this I am getting the sense that the part of me that is resistance is the one that is cautious of me going deeper. So now I wonder how can I make that part of me more comfortable and accepting with change and I guess that goes back to give everything back to Goddesss.

Thank you again Indigo - your response has helped me find the right questions to ask and gave me much needed comfort as I continue on this journey.

So grateful for this forum and everyone on it. It is comforting to know that I have a place to ask questions and share with people who are also on the journey.

Mystress · Mar 28, 2018, 10:55:34 AM

Quote from: derick on Mar 27, 2018, 10:41:11 AM
Another question have anyone feel like they are in a constant dream state like they are watching a movie or life is not real? I remember feeling this first as a child and then periodic periods throughout my life. It is pretty constant these days -like I am here but not here.

Through my Tai Chi experience I began interpreted this feeling as me being out of my body or ungrounded. However, now I am wondering if this is just a phase on the journey or just the way I am.

Yeah its a mild out of body experience. Observing the breath or eating something will usually bring you back. Its like what I call patriarchal enlightenment. The white tantric celibate types hang out in the crown chakra, it is much easier to deny the body's needs, emotions and desires if you are not in it. Over time though, the body becomes frail, like it thinks you died and starts shutting down.

What sort of meditation are you doing? Does not sound like something from FST?

The quick body check is to ask yourself if you are hungry. If you cannot tell, you are out of body.

The Lineage fellas call it "Ground & spark." Grounding followed by observing the breath and soul meditation. Observing the breath is one of the most ancient and powerful meditations, I did not use to teach it because I thought everybody knew it. Turns out, almost nobody knows it and those who have heard of it are doing it wrong.

So here is your new meditation. Sit quiet, observing the breath without trying to control it at all, just watching and feeling all the various sensations of your body as it breathes by itself, naturally. Distractions come up, just let them float by and return attention to the breath with no judgement or impatience. Relaxed persistence.

When you have been doing it for a while you might feel this small radiance of joy coming from under your ribs, welcome it but keep your attention on the breath. The joy is the energy of your soul, and it expands so long as you keep observing the breath. Soul joy expanding to fill your whole body, feels awesome. Don't try to force it, just keep observing the breath. You can thank it for its presence, if you like.

After a while it will start to feel like, Goddess is breathing you. Awesome sensation and after that comes some spontaneous pranayama which is the only kind I allow, everything else is forced and not surrender. Your breathing will start to vary from hyperventilating to not breathing and everything in between, just keep observing and allow it. You can add watching what your energy is doing as She works the body, in addition to observing the breath. Any effort to control will disconnect you from the experience. Relax and enjoy the ride.

Sometimes the kriya pranayama will fill the body with energy then flush it all out again, like rinsing a bottle. Sometimes the energy builds with the breathing and sometimes in the spaces between. Observing it really gives a clear sense of how spiritual energy, life force and breathing are connected.

The more you do it the easier it gets. For me, after decades, body drops into the pranayama kriyas within three breaths, often only one. Charges me and refocuses because I am out of body a lot!

Mystress · Mar 28, 2018, 11:32:59 AM

Quote from: Indigo on Mar 27, 2018, 03:16:09 PM
If this resonates, I would encourage you to do some googling on dissociative disorders, especially depersonalization and derealization. I have made good progress in therapy over the last three years and would be open to share my experience and knowledge if it could assist you in anyway.

Feels so much more comfortable to be the advisor instead of the one needing help eh? To step into the controller space. To be healer and teacher instead of student. Observe yourself.

If something in this space feels resonant to you, then it is because some stuff has been triggered, in you. It is yours, look at it within yourself.

I encourage students to share of their experience but NOT to step into the space of advising others, except for my FST Lineage. How quickly you jumped at the opportunity to be the advisor, your comfort zone of control.

Is it appropriate?

You projected your own "crazy and needs therapy" onto one of my students, in order to have an excuse to return to your comfort zone.
Are you his psychiatrist? His teacher? His Mr. Fix-it?
What makes you qualified to judge and diagnose his mental health?

Were you grounded, when you wrote that? Did you check with your discernment about whether your issues are really true for him?

You didn't, you just projected your own stuff onto him. That shoe does not fit him.

derick handled it well, because he is not at all distressed by the experience. In fact, transient, out of body depersonalization states are a normal part of awakening, often used as Goddess's anaethesia while big karma is being moved out... as he has observed, easier to let stuff go. Cannot stay there... and he doesn't. He isn't stuck.

A more vulnerable student might not do so well, with being told they could be insane.

Indigo · Mar 28, 2018, 02:22:09 PM

I am sorry Derick for what I did. Thank you for correcting me Mystress. I was not grounded and it did not feel right inside after I posted the reply.

derick · Mar 29, 2018, 02:43:22 PM

Thank you Mystress. I did the meditation last night and this morning. It is quite wonderful especially feeling the soul joy. I've also notice throughout the day as I work I can let my awareness go back to the breath and allow Goddess to breath for me and that helps me be less stressed while working.

I was doing a heart meditation and walking meditation. Strangely enough I thought the walking meditation will help me be more in my body and work on my health since I no longer do Tai Chi - guess not.

Indigo - apology accepted. Glad we both could learn something from my post. All the best.

Sava · Mar 29, 2018, 03:23:28 PM

Should we do this meditation with eyes open or closed?

derick · Mar 31, 2018, 01:46:18 PM

I can only speak to my own experience but it seems when my eyes are close I am able to go deeper and relax more.

Mystress · Feb 01, 2018, 01:09:38 AM

Does not matter, whatever is more comfortable for you.

Mystress · Feb 13, 2018, 10:13:25 AM

Quote from: Indigo on Mar 28, 2018, 02:22:09 PM
I am sorry Derick for what I did. Thank you for correcting me Mystress. I was not grounded and it did not feel right inside after I posted the reply.

So the experience was valuable.

I don't want to seem to be smacking you all the time. I do not want you to feel afraid to post. I am in support of your success!

FST is harder for men than for women. Women are centered in the heart, men are centered in the power chakra so they are much more invested in feeling in control and being the do-er. Male ego is another factor, it seems to be a band aid effect for the female social consciousness gene that is turned off in utero, in men. (And turned back on in some male students who fall deeply into love and respect for the Goddess and womens power!)

For men who have had considerable investment in free will or chi based magic like martial arts, FST becomes that much harder because the pattern has been validated and reinforced, so much more work to do to turn it around. Then K awakens, and there is no choice but to learn surrender.

For example, when I was in the UK, I did not even want to try to drive! Even as a passenger I kept going eek sometimes because after a lifetime of driving on the other side, my instincts were all wrong. Inevitable I would zig when I was supposed to zag and cause an accident. No idea how long it would take me to rewire my driving habits, before I turned it around to seem normal but I sure would not want to try to get the knack in live traffic!

Thats how it is for you. Chi fed guys have a much harder time with FST, they need more support and sometimes seem a bit of a bull in a china shop, but this is not the highway. This is funhouse bumper cars. Mistakes are how chi fed guys learn, and this is a safe space to make them.

When people like to post often about their process, I suggest they start a thread with their name on it, and keep adding to that instead of starting new ones, like Gopi and Blossom are doing. Treat it like your blog. I cannot support you unless I know whats up with you, and I cannot if you are afraid to post. Don't be.