The Silence, the Noise, and some Reflection

[TheFifth]

For the past couple months I’ve noticed that at times, I plunge into what I call “the silence,” which I believe is the witness state. Literally, it is peace and silence, and it simply envelopes me when I least expect it. Then, I fall back into myself again, back into “the noise.” The cycle repeats itself, and for the time being, I am simply moving with it and continuing through the lessons and grounding.

Recently, I had a peak experience in which my heart seemed to grow from a candle to a torch, then into a field, and I felt tender like a child. I saw that all of the noise is completely irrelevant mind-stuff, at least from the point of view of this experience. I also came to understand the power of applying gratitude to my blockages, and I feel I released a lot of stuff over the course of the experience. There was no judgement, and the blockages weren’t something of concern for me. There was just this wonderful, powerful sense of the formless like I’ve never experienced it before.

Several weeks ago, before this experience, I had a particularly difficult fall into a state of heavy karmic overload. I felt overwhelmed. In my adolescence I found a system of body-awareness energy work which seemed to be what triggered my awakening, but over time, I found that using the system brought up deep issues that I didn’t feel able to process, possibly even causing imbalance. I kept using it, seeking progress, but what it usually led to was this state of karmic overwhelm and emotional disturbance.

Then, I read the essay on K Teacher about surrender and the words stuck out: faith, surrender, gratitude. I used the prayer and released what was burdening me at the time, and finally, I felt that I understood what this surrender is about. I spent the rest of that evening in joy and laughter. Still, my success with surrendering things is spotty. I think that I sometimes seek to surrender blockages in order to rid myself of them, but I suspect it doesn’t work because that motive is resistance?

What I took away from that major opening though, is that I really only need to ground and surrender. I can convolute the process all I’d like, and create all these detours, but what I really need is to keep that delicate concentration on the grounding, surrender, and the realization that all this stuff that comes upâ€"“I am more than that.” That’s the phrase my mind became fixed on.

When I’m in that low stateâ€"that feeling of being clogged upâ€"I literally feel like a punching bag. In my muscles, in my emotions, in my mind, I just feel like a sheath of heavy darkness and congestion is covering me. After reading around here for quite some time, it makes me wonder how much of it is my own. I’ve always been uncomfortable around and avoidant of people, and while it may be a self-esteem thing, after grounding for a while I became mindful of my interactions with others and noticed that my face winces defensively, as if bracing for some sort of impact. Perhaps it’s a knot of yarnâ€"an interaction between blockages, projections, empathy. I recently was in a situation in which projections got me beat up *bad,* so I know that’s something I need to work on.

But right when I groundâ€"where did all of these problems go? Just silence. Until the noise comes back. Makes me wonder thoughâ€"my father was diagnosed bipolar, but I believe he was awakened because as a child and adolescent, I recall feeling Shakti in his presence. Perhaps he was a congested empath?

I do notice though, a slow, gradually increasing sense of inner-peace that, while not continuous, is there more than it ever used to be. I still get "triggered" at times, but returning to peace by remembering to ground is getting easier.