Menopause and ADD - OMG!!!

[Mystress]

    Seems appropriate to let people know where I am at: a hot mess.

  Who knew that menopause makes ADD about 110x worse?  I certainly would have made very different decisions the past few years if I had known what I was in for.  https://psychcentral.com/lib/adhd-and-menopause-what-you-need-to-know-and-what-you-can-do/

  Usually, I can manage well enough, I have organized my life to make the most of my strengths and minimize the need for what I am not good at... but... this is a whole other level of forgetfulness, distractability and moooood swings. Some days my memory is so bad I am amazed I can still tie my shoes!

  I go from one room to another to get something, by the time I am in the second room I cannot remember what I wanted.  Trying to get anything done just seems impossible, tasks that should take a weekend, drag on for a month or more.  There is no focus for completion.

  My spiritual abilities are unaffected, actually even better with the new spiritual attainments... so feel free to book a session... actually getting it scheduled is where I fall down. Recently went back through paypal for the year, checking all the sessions were completed but defeated because I cannot remember which are done!! Frustration brings tears sometimes.
 
  Like with the chats, I can still teach ok but nearly missed the last two chats before summer haitus, because of ADD forgetfulness it was not on my radar at all! Lineage reminded me via skype.

  Unwanted upgrade of windows 10, fucked my email client, it keeps breaking down leaving me without email for weeks at a time until I find the focus to fix it. I know, Eudora is outdated software but I simply do not trust myself to have the focus to migrate to something newer without breaking things- 20 years of email archives represents most of my record keeping. I can limp along with web mail but then my records are scattered all over which is the last thing I need right now.

  Clutter is a side effect of ADD, and of my husband's clinical depression. Its taken over. Boxing up stuff I did not have focus to sort out, worked for a while, but now there are growing piles of boxes in several rooms, one in the livingroom is almost the size of a small car and contains everything from leftover scooter store stuff to boxes of inherited items from dead relatives.  Open a box, try to sort through it, give up because I just do not have the focus. Try to tackle small areas at a time, like bathroom cupboards... but two weeks later the stuff I didn't know what to do with is still sitting by the bathroom door.

  Its not a horror story like an episode of "Hoarders", there aren't mountains of moldy newspapers, obstacle courses or broken plumbing, we can still walk around, use the kitchen and bathroom, dishwasher and all the furniture... its just extra cluttered and my efforts to improve it are defeated by my lack of focus, and the physical lack of energy that is a side effect of 5 years with big uterine fibroids and extreme anaemia.

  The biggest fibroid is about the size of a honeydew melon, makes me look 6 months pregnant. It compresses my bladder, pushes other organs out of place and makes me dizzy if I bend over- compression asphyxia.  Cannot use my stomach muscles at all, any sort of yoga is out of the question, compressing fibroids hurts and too much activity, especially trying to carry heavy things,  can cause some bleeding. Carrying a 4 litre jug of milk in each hand, is about my limit.

  Spending my days in the waterbed playing on the internet was a lot more fun when it was *optional!!*

  Hub asks about getting a home care worker... for that I would need a regular doctor and I have not had one since I moved to Vancouver in 1988. My feeling that my condition is a spiritual illness is kind of validated by the number of doctors who have disappeared on me over the past 5 years.

  There are lots of walk in medical clinics, one intersection with 3 malls on it near me has about 5 clinics and treatment is free so yay Canadian medicare... but the clinics don't do the sort of follow up you would get from a family doctor and some of the doctors are really not the best. Feels a bit like roulette, going to them and its often a different one every time.

  Finally got a doctor to prescribe iron injections. He did it wrong and hit the sciatic nerve, I wept from the pain for half an hour. Chose another doc at the same clinic, he said yes the other guy did it wrong... and then over three weeks he gave me 3 blotchy black iron tattoos on the back of my hips - he did it wrong too. Third doc got it right, and renewed the prescription- wonderful... I was getting stronger... then he moved two hours drive away. Tried to get one at another clinic to give the injection, waited two hours and he refused because he thinks they cause cancer.  Thats the sort of crapshoot...

   Medicine does not have much to offer me besides a hysterectomy which I refused. Fibroids are supposed to shrink after menopause and so I have decided to just increase my iron as best I can and wait it out.  One doc gave me a prescription for Adderall for the ADD, but we could not see any improvement from it and I stopped taking it after a week. 

  Really not complaining, even with all this going on, I still have an awesome life!  Learning to laugh at myself because there is not much else I can do.   

  Just writing to ask for a bit of extra patience, these days, if I seem slow to respond to a message or session payment. I am struggling, things that used to be easy have become hard, things that were hard have become impossible.  This too, shall pass... and at least my spiritual abilities are not affected. Yay!!


 

[WhimsicalZephyr]

HI Angelique,

That certainly is a lot of health issues to deal with! I hope things improve for you soon as God/dess wills it.

WZ

[Mystress]

Quite a few members including yourself, have to deal with a lot worse.

[WhimsicalZephyr]

That may be true, but I can still have compassion for your situation. Anemia
And pain are not fun things to deal with, neither is extreme adhd symptoms. The fibroids sound really painful. No pity,
Just love. ❤😀

[Mystress]

  My latest hormone test suggests I might be coming onto the home stretch of menopause... its not a precise science, the end might still be years away.  Fibroids are supposed to shrink away naturally after menopause and I have decided to wait it out and avoid surgery. While I had been hoping to get my iron up enough to build some bone density before that time, my eagerness to have a flatter belly is greater.  Weekly iron injections are helping the anaemia. So slowly I am getting stronger and that is a relief! Off to get another, this afternoon.

  In the meantime my ship has been slowly sinking. I am spending about >$1000 per month on my various non-profit ventures, including my other websites, my secondlife island and my new office,  and I have not been working enough to cover those expenses so I have ended up with a three figure bank account and >$6k of credit card debt.  I have not even insured my car since last fall, because of the cost and my physical weakness.  Donations appreciated!

  The office is kind of a catch-22. I have been renting it for almost two years, invested a lot in renovating it to make it beautiful, but it is not yet open and active! Did not even go there last month, too busy repairing websites.  I have set up a non profit corporation for it,  "Kundalini Mystic School." The office has three rooms, one main room 13'x32' that is set up to be a classroom. It is fun teaching live, and as I get older it would be nice to have support from a local kundalini community. The charter of the npc says only members can access services, but it does not have any members yet. Need members to hold events and need events to attract members, and I do not have a budget to advertise. I need insurance before I start having events and no budget for that either. Sinking.

  I was hard at work on the website for it when I discovered I needed a server upgrade to run the npc membership software and that upgrade broke most of my other websites so I was pulled away from that work to fix everything else! Completely redid K-teacher because I have hated the CMS that I hired a freelancer to convert it to, back around 2007. Set it back to plain, reliable html pages and those changes will go live as soon as I am done with the last of the bug fixes. I am also returning to public session work after a hiatus of 10 years, partly by necessity of needing the income.

   I am reconsidering my prices for session work. They have not changed since 2001, and in the meantime there are a lot of other people charging a lot more to do a lot less. Would like some feedback about that?

  Yesterday, I talked with my hub about whether I should give up the office when the lease comes due next October, he voted yes. The thought quite depressed me, a bad failure, so much invested with no return. Woke up this morning remembering, the office is also supposed to be my video studio and more determined to make it work. I want to start shooting videos about Kundalini stuff, do the youtube thing. Lots of room on my vimeo account where the FST videos are hosted.

  Got some insecurities about my appearance. 17 years since the FST videos were shot, and with the illness I have aged quite a lot in that time, and gained about 40lbs which makes me look even older, kinda jowly. I do not feel beautiful anymore and have spent a few years avoiding cameras because I just do not like how I look. I have mostly made peace with aging, being supermodel beautiful is not actually a requirement for being a teacher, just a benefit. I know, shaman bodies are hot rods and I will start getting younger again once I am healed, but that might still be years off, and I cannot keep paying for my office while I wait for that so... damn the torpedoes!

  I would like to host some kundalini weekend intensives at the office, that is part of its purpose. The reason why those weekends were always held elsewhere, is that it is too hard to for me to do it all. The hosts of the events would do all the legwork, finding the location and doing the promotion, so I could just show up and teach. There has not been one since 2010 because I have not been well enough to travel. I thought having a permanent location that is already set up, I could return to that work... though I am not totally confident I am strong enough to do them again, yet. I am the only teacher I know, who can teach an entire weekend event, solo! Even the big guns like Tony Robbins have other people teach part of a weekend event so they get a break.

  If I held a weekend event this summer, how many FST students would be able to come?

  Also still pecking away at FST updates. The new version of FST is about twice the size because I have added some new sections, homework and experiences of past students drawn from the tearoom archives. If you are a grad student and can give a hand with that, it would be great. Finding tea room posts that relate to each lesson, to be added as experiences. There will be a price increase when the update goes live, I am thinking $250. but members will be able to renew at the original price they paid.

  Wanted to post to let folks know where I am at. Also to ask for support to help me get the stuff done and pay the bills. If you are able to book a session or make a donation, that would be awesome. If you have ideas for videos, please share. If going through the tearoom archives is fun for you and you would like to help me with the experiences section of the FST update, pm me with urls for the posts and which lesson they fit with.

  My banking info for direct deposit, skip the paypal fees:
 
Angelique Serpent
05660  004  6999933
Toronto-Dominion Bank

  Thank you all for being here with me. For the trust in enrolling, for the friendly ear, and the support. Blessings!

 

[halloween]

Happy to hear that you are getting stronger. You got this, Mystress

Re: pricing, this needs to be said publicly in this private forum But everyone ought to know, we could renew with FST about 3 or 4 times, maybe even more, for the price that some spiritual schools charge for just their first level. Even at the new price you proposed, we could still renew two or three times, for the price other schools charge just for their intro level. And those teachers are lineage, not the actual founders of their school. Other schools (that also charge thousands), the founders are people who Mystress trained.

With FST, you get to study with the founder, the real McCoy! The original and still the best

I'm grateful and thankful that I was able to afford FST, but you also deserve the best because you are the best, Mystress, and you could command top dollar if you wanted. I know it's not really about the money for you, though. But yeah. Your gift is priceless

Re: beauty, when you manifested the Goddess-form in the FST videos, you are the most beautiful spiritual teacher of all-time But yes, as you pointed out, being a supermodel is not a requirement, looks are not the measure for spiritual teachers.

Kind of the Yoda thing: "Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you? Hmm? Hmm. And well you should not. For my ally is the Force, and a powerful ally it is. Life creates it, makes it grow. Its energy surrounds us and binds us. Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter."

Judge Mystress by her appearance, do you? And well you should not. Shakti is her ally!

Similarly, I don't think people will notice how you look when you are making them feel like a million bucks, or sharing rare esoteric knowledge with them. They won’t care when they are feeling ecstatic bliss

And you look happy in your picture. And we're just happy to see you

Inner spiritual beauty, you are more beautiful than ever.

As your student and admirer, I'd be happy to see you in new videos, see how the energy feels with all of your new attainments, but only if you feel comfortable and ready to put out new stuff. Until then, there are hours of video of you that do the trick just fine and then some, in terms of blissful Shakti and awakening K. A rare beauty in rare form, a vessel of Goddess in full bloom, captured in posterity for all-time. You’re the only one who gets to say that

You’re an artist. Eventually, your desire to create and follow your bliss will explode any insecurity

Mystress, can I email you? I have a ton of ideas for you.

[Mystress]

  I guess, its time to explain exactly wtf happened to me.

  In 2005, I noticed that edema was becoming constant. First sign of liver toxicity in an empathic healer. I prayed for strength and insights. I remembered being stronger in the 90s. The answer I got really shook me. Part of me I had not known about, was not getting its needs met and those needs seemed quite parasitical, on the surface. I trusted, Goddess would not have put that quirk into my DNA without good reason so it must have some higher purpose.

  I asked for a specialized guide to show me how to adapt, to use it in Her service.  Shamans can do that. The guide that showed was an odd being, but it came from Source so I trusted and worked with it. In 2008 I discovered secondlife and the guide saw through my eyes and said GIMME!! So I made her an avatar and spent two years channelling her into secondlife, quite an unprecedented experiment and she showed me how to use abilities I did not know I had, to heal, to teach, to time travel. I labeled her dakini because of her tendency to reflect unresolved karma issues back to me, even though the term did not quite fit.

  She always said, she did not have a womb, only a ball of fire. When she decided the channelling phase was over in Feb 2010 and abandoned her avatar, I cried for a week because she was so fun! Then I noticed, I also had a ball of fire, at my womb. Soccer ball sized, sentient and puzzling. Took me about 6 months to realize its energy and appearance was identical to the fiery crystal heart of the planet. (? ? ? ! ! !)  Talked to the FST lineage about it, and did some demos in a few of the chats. Fascinating.

About a year and a half later,  late summer 2012 I got tired of how demanding it was, and how it could make my body ache when its needs were not met. Didn't seem right, Goddess has no need to do that to me, so I gave it all to my Shaman guide and took a nap.

  When I woke, the ball of fire was gone and the energy of it was all through me, delicious! I also seemed to have lost my personal boundaries. Sometimes I would fall into trance and experience being the planet. Once I remember, I was with someone online and they were wondering why I had fallen silent, but it was because I had become the planet and could not remember which of the +7 billion bodies, was mine! Remembered to breathe,  and snapped back to myself. 

  That fall, I travelled back to my home town to help my elderly parents move out of the farmhouse to a place in the city. Complex PTSD from a pretty dysfunctional childhood, that I thought I had put to rest decades before got reactivated and I went kind of insane falling hard into victimhood. There were so many triggers.  cPTSD is a whack a mole game, it is considered a developmental disorder because it affects how the child's brain grows. On the drive there, anticipating the hell I was returning to, was the first time I had two periods in a month, and that fall a small bulge in my belly started growing larger, periods getting heavier. My old, dysfunctional self was back and I did not quite realize how she had taken over and what her stress was doing to me.

  Remembrance day, Nov 11 2012 I passed something that did not look like a clot, it had a rubbery texture like muscle tissue.  I had prayed for guidance to show me what was wrong and my shaman body responded by sending out a sample.  Doctor diagnosed me with uterine fibroids. 

  That winter, stress from the cPTSD plus losing my oldest friend who vanished after persuading to loan him $5000. Loss of boundaries made me unable to say no... (heartbreaking to be so betrayed) plus a load of stress from a black magic type sanguine vampire that Goddess told me I had an imperative to train. His guidance game him an icon image of Cinnamasta, the Goddess who bleeds because she cannot say no.

  My womb grew huge. All that winter  I was having two, 10 day long periods a month, bleeding so heavily that I got a kitchen scale and started weighing pads.  At the worst of it I was losing an ounce of blood every two hours. Multiply that by the hours in a day, x 10 days, twice a month. Fibroids bleed venous blood as well as womb blood.  I became extremely anaemic. Something changed in my digestion and I became unable to eat beef, a main source of iron for me.

  One of my lineage turned out to be a narcissist and possible borderline personality disorder was another big source of stress.. always angry about something, always looking for new things to get angry about, always dumping it on me but not surrendering. I had to let her go. Years spent training her, wasted. I grieved.

  I kept wondering why bending over makes me dizzy. My hub gave me a term: compression asphyxia. Bending over makes the fibroids compress my other internal organs and push up under my ribs.  Simple activities, like picking up paper that my little dog has shredded became so hard. Even looking in the fridge... cannot bend down so I squat but then my legs go to sleep and I have to haul myself back up hanging onto the fridge door. Stupid shit but it all adds up.

  At the same time, I was exploring my new state and realizing my energy had become planet sized. With most attainments, someone has gone there before and you can do some research and get a clue what is going on, how to deal... but there was nothing.   I contacted some experts, spiritual scholars and they had never heard of it either. It seemed the attainment was entirely unprecedented. I had a hard time with that because I associate specialness with ego and ... why me?? Trying to get my head around it.

  Long before I was ready to come out about it, because it all seemed so crazy - well... there is a tendency for people to look at a spiritual teacher's energy to see if they are genuine and strangers were writing to ask why I am so big?

  Someone even sent a painting. It arrived with a message on facebook and as I am seldom go there, the account had been closed and so there was no name attached. The sender said, someone on an Indonesian kundalini reiki group was drawing aura paintings of famous spiritual teachers and mine came out looking like nothing they had ever seen before.  The painting was actually, really accurate in a symbolic way... 

  Try it for yourself: ask to see the size of my energy field.  Most people end up out in space, looking at the magnetosphere.

  That is how I became Avatar of the Planetary Consciousness.  I do not like the term Gaia because people project so much crap into it. "Gaia is angry, Gaia is hurting."  Bullshit. A quantum being like She, does not have that sort of petty human ego emotional garbage. 

  The womb that was the center of the transformation, could not deal I guess, and grew enormous fibroids. The mayo clinic says fibroids are caused by an excess of estrogen but they do not know why. Naturopaths say, it is a stress disorder. The pituitary gets confused by an overload of stress and starts making estrogen instead of adrenaline.  I had already noticed that too much stress could cause me to bleeed, even give extra periods.

  Kind of a chicken and egg... with the reactivated cPTSD and other stresses, I guess I was/am not transparent enough to handle the massive energy increase of becoming Avatar and the womb that was the center of the transformation took the hits... or the increased energy brought up the old karma stuff that I did not know how to release or
I would have already.

  Then my mother died and while that was a beautiful experience in many ways it also triggered a lot of unresolved issues and another year spent crazy with victimhood and anger.

   I do not have a family doctor, not so unusual in Canada where there are walk in medical clinics I can visit anytime,  but every doc and OBGYN said hysterectomy and I said  NO DAMN WAY!  In north america it is estimated that 90% of hysterectomies are un necessary and doctors do not warn how devastating the result will be. The surgery cuts 4 major tendons that support the whole body, inside and outside from creating the lumbar curve in the lower back to keeping internal organs in place. The cure is worse than the disease and I simply was not up for having the sacred organ so central to my feminine self, ripped out just because it had some issues. Most of the docs seemed annoyed that I refused to line up to be castrated and didn't have better options. The poor quality of women's health care in Canada has become something of a feminist issue to me.

  I have found a wonderful GP & homeopath who has been giving me weekly iron and B12 injections, so from being too low to be measurable I now have a fertitin count of 15. Lowest scale of normal (normal range is 20-200) but it will take time to replace all the anaemic blood cells. It is the iron molecules in blood that allow it to carry oxygen and mine are weak, messed up, malformed. Of course, me and the people around me, healers and shamans and vampires I have trained have tried everything we can think of to heal me over the past 6 years and even come up with some new ideas, and some solutions I read about, tried that too. Nothing has made any difference to the fibroids.

  Harvard has finally discovered cannabis really can cure cancer, I have known of that for years http://phoenixtears.ca/ and its supposed to handle all sorts of abnormal growths. I have been smoking the weed to soften the obsessive, emotional dysregulation of ADD for decades. A tiny bit, often.
Recently started taking cannabutter instead. Cannabis infused into coconut oil. I really do not like being so sedated all the time but it does make me laugh a lot and seems to decrease the bleeding. An odd bump on the tendon on the back of my left hand has almost disappeared, and it might be improving my bone density.
   Zero change to the fibroids though.  Nothing I have tried has helped so in surrender, I wait.

  I have an appointment with a naturopath who specializes in womens' health issues on Thursday. My husband says he has a good feeling about it but I am too tired to invest in hope or optimism.

  The new closer connection with Goddess the Planet has been lovely, fascinating, insightful. Some beliefs were contradicted... like I always thought, Goddess loves us unconditionally but does not weep when we die, and if we manage to kill ourselves off She will just start over with the cockroaches, or something. WRONG.

  Sentient life, is the rarest most precious thing in all the universe. Every one of us is a precious treasure, the rarest thing in the universe.  There is only a tiny blip of time in the life of a universe where life is even possible.  Her role of cradle, nurturer and protector of the precious treasure that is us, is central to Her being. I asked if we would survive pollution and global warming and there was no hesitation or doubt that we absolutely will... I did not ask, how many will...
   I am also getting quite a things-to-do list.

  Sometimes moments that are really amazing. Watching Tesla's heavy rocket going into space, I felt this huge surge of love, pride and euphoric joy that was not my own, so intense it made me weep.  Hers. So now I know, the science fiction is true, we are meant to spread out and colonize the stars.

  I think, if only there was a type of bacteria that could eat plastic, or radiation and a few weeks later read that those bacteria have been discovered.  Really makes me wonder... 

  Its quite odd sometimes. I will wonder about something and soon after, find an answer in media. I wondered, how to filter plastic microparticles out of the ocean and learned they stick to jellyfish goo. Extreme jellyfish outbreaks have been happening all over the world and what a surprise and joy to learn it is Her, using them to filter the water. Our job is to harvest the jellyfish for fertilizer to bring the plastic back onto land where it does less harm. Make the deserts bloom.

  Thing is, I am only one woman. I do not have the resources to make that stuff happen. I cannot even adequately take care of myself these days.

   I put that to Her and start getting people in India contacting me via FB, calling me Durga and Guru, minds blown to be talking to me and insisting they want to do puja and lay flowers at my lotus feet! Two decades I have been arguing with the people who want to call me Guru, ever since I got the attainments in 1997... I think its a dead end road... Then a Hindu friend explains, they won't listen to me telling them Guru worship does not work,  unless I agree to be their Guru. Crap! I am running out of arguments...

  Thing is, I have known for ages that my photo is on altars all over the world, people praying to me to help their kundalini and they keep doing it because it works! I did not talk about it because I did not want to encourage it.  Part of the attainment is my Guru self who is outside of time and can be a thousand places at once, she responds to their prayers and she does not have a fuck to give, about my opinions. Attainments gained through deep surrender to Divine Will, its not like you get to control them later.  So they get validated and word gets around. I get no benefit from it.

  On the plus side, earlier fears of guru psychosis are mostly laid to rest because handling the incoming karma seems to be pretty effortless. You can ask your DB to show you what that looks like too. Someone said it looks like I am being constantly pelted with skittles candy.  I know the trend for people to give me Guru worship has been steadily increasing because of the karma stuff energy incoming, and since 2012 its started growing exponentially. I even had someone in the UK write to the K teacher guestbook forum explaining she has started a Buddhist cult of Mystress. Crazy post, have not found words to respond yet.

  Indians to tend to make their Gurus insanely rich... the resources I need to do Her will... but I still hate the idea and have no idea even *how* to switch gears to go that route and really do not want to.  At least, my attainments are genuine. Better it be me than some fraud, I guess... still don't want the job.

  I am quite aware, in a conventional guru situation I would be a lot better supported. An ashram environment with devotees to support me would really be helpful in my current condition...  I like a quiet life, being relatively unknown, people drawn to my work by synchronicities.

  I have become too big, to hide. 

  I stay grounded, remind myself "this too shall pass" and that other people deal with much worse things, chronic incurable stuff... but still it gets hard sometimes. At the end of may the quite wonderful doctor I have found, decided that injected progesterone might stop me having periods. Yay!  Did not quite work as advertised. My actual periods are much lighter but also, sort of continuous. I bleed a little bit all the time and can only guess at a period when it gets heavier.
  Sometimes, like last weekend I will almost stop bleeding for a few days and be happy! Maybe it will stop for a while? It always turns out the same. A blood clot was blocking my cervix and then something happens, a cough, or standing up... That dam breaks I get a flood, losing more blood in 10 seconds than most women lose in months. That happened last night and I realize it would not be such a devastating disappointment if I did not get my hopes up every time I stop bleeding for a few days. Hells gate eh? Abandon all hope...

  So... I am sick because I have become the planet. I do not recall asking for that but my life belongs to Goddess. Seems, nobody has ever done that before so I am totally on my own, working out how to deal. It is awesome, inspiring, joyous, difficult, incomprehensible and it is kicking the crap out of the vessel.  Not sure a human body was even designed to manage such huge energies but here I am. Avatar.

  That plus $5 will get me a coffee at starbucks, as the saying goes... I am starting to wonder if I need to get some kind of agent, marketing manager or something but in the past such folks tend to be profit oriented in a way my discernment cannot support. I dunno what to do. I don't seem to really fit in the conventional world anymore, after 20 years ascended.
 
  I know how crazy it all sounds. That is what your discernment is for, eh? Interested to hear any insights you get.

   To Halloween: ideas are not the problem, I am very creative. The problem is the time, energy and resources to make something of them, and not having the right sort of head for self promotion.  Yes you can email me but filter every idea through discernment and guidance first ok? Thank you for being so supportive.

 

[Gopi]

Wow... what a lovely thread. So much insights. Thank you for sharing Mystress. Sorry to hear about your health conditions. Your strength and courage in difficult times is both humbling and inspiring.

"I had a hard time with that because I associate specialness with ego and ... why me?? Trying to get my head around it. "

I get this feeling too Mystress. Guide pointed out to me that it is not about being special but about being unique. Everyone has a role and She chose this for me. I still struggle at times when others give me genuine appreciation. Guide pointed out 'I am not worthy' is a clever ego clinging and suggested I use those moments of genuine appreciation to confront my self doubts, impostor syndrome, and self worth issues. It's a work in progress. But as you have taught several of us, there is a deeply wonderful humility in accepting 'Thy will be done'. These days when I go on stage to address big crowds, I have stopped asking 'Why me?'. Instead I simply pray to Goddess 'Use me and guide me' (I think I saw Oprah say that in an interview).

There is only a tiny blip of time in the life of a universe where life is even possible.  Her role of cradle, nurturer and protector of the precious treasure that is us, is central to Her being.

Wow! That makes me feel so happy and joyful. 

Attainments gained through deep surrender to Divine Will, its not like you get to control them later.

I have had similar experiences. I actually find it very helpful to feel unburdened. As a researcher, when I write I sometimes say things (in deep surrender) that others find very insightful. Sometimes my impostor kicks in and I start panicking about 'what if they expect me to say insightful things all the time?' Then Guide reminds me 'why does that matter?' It took me a really long time to learn that the only thing that mattered for me is that I stay true to my discernment and follow Her guidance despite my fears and hesitations. And you're right about 'having hope' and optimism Mystress.
On the one hand, FST and you (among other teachers) have taught me that life is precious and valuable. On the other hand, living the 'middle path' truth as an ascended being in human body one cannot have 'hope' because it can become an ego projection instead of merely staying in the present state of surrender, vulnerability, and not knowing.
Not sure if I have shared this already, but I was lurking the yahoo K-list for more than a year before I decided to join FST. To be honest, I was very wary of Kundalini or 'energy' related groups. But my K awakening pushed my depression into life debilitating situations - I was unable to eat (neither had appetite nor food tasted good), did not show up for work, did not get out of bed, could not sleep, other people irritated me, and felt like if I died today no one would care and it won't matter a bit to the universe. After a year of being on K-list and having wonderful interactions with people there (thank you Hillary!) and reading your words of wisdom, I decided that I should join FST. I still had doubts.
One night I felt so physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually miserable and desolate. At that point, I did not know if I believed in anything or if that mattered. But I just felt moved to get down on my knees and pray. I just let out  heart felt cry and prayed 'I don't know if there's something listening. I don't know how to pray. I am hurting and I don't want to hurt anymore. Please help me. Please guide me.' And then I cried for a while and went to bed. I am not sure what exactly made me feel that way but I remember feeling that moment of naked vulnerability - gave up all hopes and will to live for myself. The insight I got from that experience was that 'grace' is always available through surrender but cannot be earned through achievements. I believe that I allowed myself to feel God's grace that night after the prayer by fully surrendering my hopes and being naked with my vulnerabilities. I soon got guidance that my next step was to register for FST

I am starting to wonder if I need to get some kind of agent, marketing manager or something but in the past such folks tend to be profit oriented in a way my discernment cannot support. I dunno what to do. I don't seem to really fit in the conventional world anymore, after 20 years ascended.

I think this may be a good idea. May be you can start by testing the waters and hiring someone for hourly work? There are a lot of folks who do hourly web/coding work, visual design, and administrative stuff. I am not trying to compare being ascended with being disabled but I do want to point out that there are lots of specially trained folks who work with individuals like me with learning disabilities and other mental health issues. It can take some time to find the right match but I have worked with some wonderful people who have become personal friends. I have difficulty doing multiple projects to a point it debilitates me. Hiring this person to help me everyday stuff was extremely helpful - both to reduce my stress and to actually have time and energy to do the things I wanted to do. I am a very private person and I don't like people seeing my dirty dishes. But at some point I had to tell myself that I do not have to do it all by myself and it is ok to ask for help.
I was raised by two very hardworking disciplinarian middle class parents who drilled it into my head to 'stand on your own two legs'. So deep down I have this misguided notion that asking for help = failure, which came out in therapy. I am still learning that asking for help = smart way to work. Also, found out that not letting another person see my dirty dishes or unfolded laundry was just another fear based defense - I was afraid that if my date saw my dirty dishes he would think less of me?! (I know how crazy that sounds as I type it but feelings are feelings... shrugs). My friends and dates have repeatedly proven me wrong. They stay close to me because they want to see me and enjoy my company. I am learning to accept that with humility and gratitude despite my insecurities and dirty dishes! lol.. Hiring a professional to work with on hourly basis helped me finish writing my dissertation and earn my PhD.
I think it might be worth a shot to try working with someone on a short term basis Mystress. If it works out, then you can offload some stuff and focus on getting better and doing things that take higher priority for you. Just a suggestion.

[Sigmund]

When I look at Mystress's energy, I see it extending past the atmosphere and earth's gravity and into space.  From all perspectives, it appears to be beyond the earth's boundaries.