hay whats up dude?

[John Black]

 at the age of 9 or 10 i started to feel very strange. i started to lock myself in my room and do very strange rituals that started to completely consume my life. for example, its like a voice comes into my head and tells me that i have to touch something or do something in a very specific way, and then if i dont do it the way it needs to be done i get unbelievably angry and just go mad.
           for example i started to cut off the tips of my socks because i couldnt handle the way that the seams brushed up against my toes. i would keep taking my shoes off and putting them back on, just trying to make it perfect. it almost never worked out and i got very upset every morning before i went to school because of it .
                   the rituals increased and started happening non stop 24/7, and became more and more redickulous. i was completely out of control. everyday i would lock myself in my room and do these rituals over and over and just go into a fit of rage. i started to consider suicide, and then started to cut myself, and beat myself up like in that jim carey movie.  my mother got very worried and took me to a psychiatrist. then they dubbed me a bi polar, obsessive compulsive, pshycotic, ass-burgers, and just on and on with these. so they started to force feed me drugs. drug after drug and i became more and more psychotic. i still did the silly rituals and went mad everyday.
                 eventually i discovered cannabis and psilocybin, and decided to stop taking the pills. i stopped beating myself up and what not, but the voice was still there telling me to do this and do that. but i was able to control myself and somewhat function in society.
                it was when i discovered kundalini yoga that i really started to get a grip on this whole human thing. eventually i was led to a group of people, was initiated and had my kundalini awakened.  i was to the point wear the voice was gone and i stopped doing those silly rituals.
                                           about a month ago i broke up with my girlfriend. it was a nasty break up and ever since then i have been doing those rituals and getting very very angry. i even have been cutting myself and beating myself up. its been effecting me at work and with my friends. im not sure if this is an entity or if im just mad. i have been doing the entity clearing and surrendering it to goddess but i doesnt seem to help.
                        it doesnt come up all of the time like it used to. it just comes in short little waves. and i will only be angry for a few minutes. its silly, i thought i was over this but it just wont quit. i think i need to just surrender more but im not sure what to do. i feel silly for writing this but its to the point that i need some help. does anyone have ne advice or ne thing?   
               

[Sigmund]

It's normal to devolve emotionally and skill-wise during times of stress.  It may be possible that old habits which interfere with your functioning are reappearing as the next layer of stuff to be surrendered, so I suggest continuing with that.

Cutting yourself is a metaphor for cutting things off as well as being a call for help.  If you're cutting your hands and arms, it says to me that you want to cut yourself off from things you don't want to or can't handle.  It makes sense if you repeat this that this is a sign of wanting to control and rework the cutting off of your relationship.  I know that may not make your reactions easier to deal with. 

[John Black]

thanks sigmund. i got very grounded this morning and surrendered as much as i could before i went to work. i feel alot better today, i think that just telling people about it is alot of help for me.

i have a question reguarding the universal chakras.  i have taken reiki tummo and they open them up one by one and call them shing chi. i read were mystress said you can open them up just by asking. i did this but am not to sure if it turned out as well as it could have. can you do a seperate initiation for opening these? or should i just keep asking for them to open?

[Sigmund]

Hey.  I'm glad you've been grounding and are finding that helpful.   I thought about that after I replied and wanted to send that along to you.   Grounding will displace your fears as will filling your thymus. 

As for opening the upper chakras, that routinely happens during a Tummo initiation.  Personally, I think asking is safer.  Asking and letting go so it can happen, that is.  Offhand, I'd be wary of specifically going for openings since things happen in their own time and I know of more than one person who wasn't prepared and can't put the genie back in the bottle.  So, surrendering and being grateful are my choices of action.

[John Black]

okay sounds good to me : ) 

[ant]

well your not alone in cutting yourself, it may be coping mechanism for you
i cut my self once ,it started out on accident, but i liked the grounding effect from the pain, to replace that i started weight lifting  and pushed myself really hard thru the pain. i guess any strenuous exercise will do , see a doctor first of course

as far as voices or entities are concerned, i remember what Mystress said in lesson
(don't quote me because its ben over 10 years since i read it) but She said, its not important what a entity has to say, don't listen to them

ant