Faith - little bottle waved at me

[Minamaus]

Little faded green/ sun shine yellow bottle waved at me through the glass of a display unit a the Theological Society's bookshop in Melbourne. So I bought it: read the instructions, it said: '
'Garden of Gethsemene, deals with final test of faith, we have the opportunities to respond to our emotions, doubts, and fears, even when we are afraid of not having any feelings. Anxieties, deep fears, or lack of trust in our feelings can impede things from flowing as they might. Fears may not necessarily go away, but we may overcome stressors by learning to accept them for what they are and to live in this context. But spirit may triumph over matter'

I nearly started crying in the shop, don't know why. What I do know that I don't have much faith at the moment although I have experienced such a wonderful journey to date that I wonder how I cannot have faith.

So here is what I believe is coming up:

I nearly didn't make it into this world as my mum nearly lost me after 4 months of pregnancy, walking up a mountain. So she had to stay in bed 7 months (bless her soul). I then was born with the umbilical cord around my neck, and a nice blue tint in my face. My first 10 years I spent a considerable amount of time in hospital, with only a very weak immune system that lead me to have 'near death' experiences on a number of occasions, and worthwhile perhaps mentioning a car accident at the age of 6. So I learned, probably primarily from a paranoid mother, that life is not safe living, and unless you take precautions and double precautions, lots of terrible things can happen to you. Same with money. All my life I was taught that unless I have a safe job and be very careful with money, I will not be safe.

I am the main breadwinner of the family, and whilst my dear hubby contributes by being part house hubby, looking after the kids and following his dream of being a successful artist (ah, here is a lesson for me to learn), I feel the responsibility plus the above belief system prohibits me from moving forward.

Why, I ask the universe, did you not look after me, and care for me, and hold my hand and take this enourmous weight of responsibilities from me so I can grow in accordance with what I feel I should become....

I now surrender all of the above to Goddess, please take this, it is a Gift for you, it is yours, thank you very much.....

Minamaus