The Tea Room

I decided to make a copy of my journal here on FST incase anything happens to my physical journal and for suggestions from other member and Mystress. I've only made a few entries in it so far so I'm going to copy them into here to create an online version of my experiences.

7/21/18

A few days ago, Mystress, Gopi and I had a chat, we discovered I'm not a vamp, I just never learned to use my own energy, instead of my parents.  Most people get weaned off during adolescence but I did not. I think it was from the trauma in middle and high school. Used her dump chi practice for the past two days and my energy levels are much better, I am learning to stay in my roots, to plant my feet in the ground and stay connected to the planet. Kids are all little vamps, they need attention. I am going to change this about myself, I am dumping chi energy into the Earth now so Goddess can transform it. I have noticed quite a change in my ability to cope with everyday life since using the practice and it is only day two. I now ask Goddess to let me use my own energy in social situations and throughout my whole day, even when I lay my head down to sleep. Goddess take this energy please do as you will with it.

7/23/18

Arrived in Fairfields last night to stay at Donny and Chloe's place, it is nice here, nice and hot! Managed to use my own energy in our social interactions last night even if there was some anxiety involved. Got a good nights sleep to get used to this place, I needed it. I may go to the skatepark today in Benicia, I think tomorrow will be the day I really explore. Feeling much more grounded this morning taking it easy :)

7/26/18 Did the grounding ritual this morning and felt my cup filling and emptying very strongly, a good feeling.

Quote from: Sava on Jul 27, 2018, 11:30:33 AM
7/21/18

A few days ago, Mystress, Gopi and I had a chat, we discovered I'm not a vamp, I just never learned to use my own energy, instead of my parents.  ...  Used her dump chi practice for the past two days and my energy levels are much better, I am learning to stay in my roots, to plant my feet in the ground and stay connected to the planet.

   Related post, re-read for edits. (http://fire-serpent.com/tearoom/index.php/topic,1609.msg7087.html#msg7087)

Hm? I'm confused?

I linked the threads together for continuity.

Missed much of the grounding rituals today I managed to get 4 or 5 rituals in today. It was Donovans birthday yesterday and we went out had a few drinks to celebrate. I don't drink often but it was a special occasion and I enjoyed it :) Donovan found out his wife is pregnant 2 days ago and they told me today. I had a feeling this morning that she may have been pregnant and when they told me at breakfast I said I knew it! Im happy for them but I wonder why I knew? I guess I am kind of intuitive and empathic but I have met people who are much more in tune with those abilities. Maybe it was only because I saw him rubbing her stomach this morning briefly? It felt deeper than that, like a feeling that I just knew somehow, a bit like precognition. Ive noticed this same feeling before in other occurrences. It is a good reminder of the interconnectedness of us all, separation is only an illusion that can be surpassed. I remember reading a buddhist text on the three separate Jhanas trances states? During one of them the yogi experiences a phenomena where his consciousness merges with the whole universe. I have not experienced that level of unity with self that I am certain but I aspire to experience these trance states of divine unity in the future. I am constantly reminded of how Mystress' lessons are relevant to my mundane life, the trance states remind me of the sieve being thrown into the ocean, where Goddess flows through it eternally without restriction. Very sublime. I have noticed that when I begin to express myself there is a small voice that says something like "Do it this way and they will accept/adorn you" and this is anxiety speaking. The need to get support and approval. I now ask Goddess to let me express myself without these limiting conditions. Goddess please take my worries, they are yours to transform, I know you love me unconditionally, thank you.
<a href="http://s598.photobucket.com/user/TaCoMaN_2oo9/media/8CE6F2DD-27B9-4EA7-B653-4AB05D84E221_zpslqlcv4us.jpg.html" target="_blank"><img src="http://i598.photobucket.com/albums/tt70/TaCoMaN_2oo9/8CE6F2DD-27B9-4EA7-B653-4AB05D84E221_zpslqlcv4us.jpg" border="0" alt=" photo 8CE6F2DD-27B9-4EA7-B653-4AB05D84E221_zpslqlcv4us.jpg"/></a>

I did not mean to post my personal photo bucket account to this page, I was only trying to insert this image which I now have figured out how to do if and Admin could fix this that would be appreciated, thank you.(http://[url=http://s598.photobucket.com/user/TaCoMaN_2oo9/media/8CE6F2DD-27B9-4EA7-B653-4AB05D84E221_zpslqlcv4us.jpg.html%5D%5BIMG%5Dhttp://i598.photobucket.com/albums/tt70/TaCoMaN_2oo9/8CE6F2DD-27B9-4EA7-B653-4AB05D84E221_zpslqlcv4us.jpg)[/URL][/img]

Okay well that didn't work... I'll have to learn how to do this correctly tomorrow

I don’t know why I’m moved to say I’m sorry? I feel like I wasn’t completely grounded when I posted here and am embarrassed about it and I feel like the quality of my journal post reflects my not so grounded state, next time I write in my journal and copy it to this Temple I will be grounded. I missed many of the rituals today but I will make sure to do more tomorrow a nice long one in the morning too, sets the tone for the day.

Hello, just received some good news from Mystress and a friend of mine here had confirmed it as well, I woke up, I spent quite a bit of time questioning what was really going on with me, I kept stumbling upon all this new information and wondering what it all really meant, doubting myself and others but I feel like I got some closure. It is nice to get some closure.

Anyways, here is a patch I got custom made to put on my ski jacket for this winter, I wanted to share it with you all. It is a yoga poster I found online with the seven main chakras, I found a fake Sanskrit font as well and added "kundalini" to the bottom, I'm really happy with how it turned out. The idea behind the patch came from a thought, "Maybe I can attract some like minded individuals with a Kundalini patch." I had someone comment on the henley I bought from the FST store and got a few comments on it, it is always nice to share some opinions. Thanks for looking.

(http://[url=http://s598.photobucket.com/user/TaCoMaN_2oo9/media/serpent1_zps9egbf7vj.jpg.html%5D%5BIMG%5Dhttp://i598.photobucket.com/albums/tt70/TaCoMaN_2oo9/serpent1_zps9egbf7vj.jpg)[/URL][/img]

http://s598.photobucket.com/user/TaCoMaN_2oo9/media/serpent1_zps9egbf7vj.jpg.html

I can't figure out how to post an image properly on this form, however, here is a link to an image of the patch which was supposed to be a part of the post above this one.

Most FST students are motivated to sign up, at least partly  because of feeling my energy. Only awakened people can feel kundalini shakti, so most FST students are already awakened before registering.

Yeah I definitely know what it feels like now, felt it on my friend and myself as well.

The Snake Den

Okay well last night a friend and I smoked a bit of marijuana here in Colorado which is perfectly legal, I don't usually smoke too often but since I've been here and since I don't start work till the 15th I have had some free time to explore with the plant. I have noticed that if I smoke before bed I get some interesting closed eye visuals, yes, marijuana is classified as a hallucinogen so this is perfectly normal. However, it seemed like it was happening a lot and last night and it felt like it was amplifying my Kundalini symptoms, I can't be sure if last nights symptoms were pure Kundalini related or pure marijuana related so I would like to think it was a combination of the two.

It was around 12 am when I decided to lay down and sleep and the first phenomena that started occurring was it felt like my whole body had become a large snake with many heads protruding from my hands, feet and face. My body was in an exalted state I found myself on my back with this energy coursing through me and I was trying to surrender to it as much as possible. Then it felt like a single black snake was pushing through my main chakras along the central channel, it didn't seem to have much trouble getting through the root, then I started feeling my desires for the material world and accepting them as it pushed through the sex chakra, then when it reached the power chakra it bit this yellow orb which then started leaking this yellow fluid throughout the area, this lasted quite some time as I sit and try to surrender, it was quite blissful. I think the yellow liquid leaking out of my body was the most vibrant hallucination I experienced last night it felt very peaceful as I became aware of this chakras function in the world. Then it felt like my heart chakra was expanding.

I then became aware of Shiva and Shakti and in my mind I viewed Shiva as chi, a strong force that cuts through things like diamonds, very powerful force. I viewed Shakti as Kundalini energy from the Earth that demanded a deep respect and surrender. Shiva was blue and Shakti was different shades of purple. Then I remembered grounding so I did the visualization and it was very powerful.

Then I think I reached a plateau. I have done quite a bit of research on Kundalini even before FST and found an awakened man on youtube who shared some interesting knowledge. He described his own kundalini process as different objects "cleaning" his chi channels, he says there is a lot of "cold chi" in his body that kundalini clears out for him and she uses all different types of tools to do so like "christmas garlans" "turbo squids" all in effort to describe his chi being transformed or channels opening. I had a similar experience in some areas of my face and neck last night where it felt like the snakes were biting very specific areas to release tension, it attacked a certain area of my face for awhile and also some area in my third eye was feeling pressure. I cannot be sure that these are chi channels, nadis, meridians or whatever you would like to call them being opened up but from my knowledge it could have been.

It almost felt like a tester for what is to come as I continue down my path, kind of like Shakti is testing my surrender because I know as this process continues I will have experiences that make this night seem very low level on the transformation process.

It is good to understand surrender and trust in the beginning so things can go smoothly as the process gains speed.

I also felt like some of my karma was being cleared through my crown chakra and out of my body as I deliberately surrendered unsettling thoughts and fear so that Kundalini can move more freely.

I know these symptoms are benign but this is what my night consisted of and thought I would share.

Awakened Sex & Energy

Okay so I want to start this post by saying that I have felt Kundalini, or awakened energy, from others in the past. I met a man named Andrew in Yosemite that was a awake and we hung out quite a bit, he was a bit older than me, 32, So I believe he has more experiential knowledge when it comes to the awakening process. However, he was not fully enlightened, in my opinion, he was far from a state like that. It was a bit tough to find good friends out there but I managed to find him and another good friend from Scotland so I am content, thank you Goddess.

So Andrew has seizures, completely out of his control obviously, unfortunately, they would even happen at work. He was a night cleaner for one of the kitchens in Yosemite, he normally gets off work around 1 am but a seizure prevented him from completing his shift and a co worker had to transport him home safely. I was hanging out with his girlfriend waiting for him to get off work when suddenly he busts in the door obviously in pain. His presence really jolted me out of my relaxed state, his girlfriend and I we're talking for a few hours and she really brought me inside of my body. I was feeling my body very deeply while I was around her, we were even playing with our bodies together, performing some relaxing reflexology. Very peaceful. Then Andrew comes in and everyone seems to leave their body a bit, he begins to talk about some esoteric information which further brings his girlfriend and I out of our relaxed state. I feel energy in my spine very quickly at the top of my spine and I looked at Andrew and said "Oh my god, I felt that!" he said "Yes it was like a swirly snake going up" or something along those lines... my energy went way up after this. His girlfriend even said "How am I supposed to go to sleep now this conversation is so stimulating"

That was the first time I felt awakened energy from another in person and was able to identify it and even confirm with Andrew that in fact we did experience the same thing. This event was not very significant but I think a woman who I was sexually involved with for a week or so may have felt something similar to this feeling while we were together.

I met this woman, CJ, through a couple I have known for a long time who live in Denver, this couple, Evan and Jasmine, agreed to let me stay on their couch for a week so we could catch up before I started work in Keystone. I met CJ with them at a Alex Grey ball, we didn't really get to know each other until after. We all hangout on the couch, CJ, Evan, Jas and I till around 5 in the morning having a blast. It was quite obvious that CJ and I were really hitting it off, by the end of the night I found her wrapped in my arms, I let her go so she could catch a taxi back to her home. It was a great night.
two nights later CJ comes over again, wow she is gorgeous, we hangout and talk and she ends up driving me back to her place about 30 minutes away so I can spend the night. We make love. She is great, a mature 28 year old woman, I'm 22, I tell her I'm sick of all these little girls and Im happy to be around her instead. We laugh.

Anyways, I begin sleeping at her place instead, we spend a few days together getting close, spending a lot of time around each other. She says "Oh my gosh I like you so much it makes me nervous..."

It's hard for me to be in a relationship with someone so personally and not let them know what I am dealing with on a spiritual level, I tell her I am awakened. After we have sex I tell her that "having sex with me can cause you to wake up, just a warning" because I noticed that she said "wow I just felt energy in my spine" I felt her feel it as well, we were making love and when I exhaled on her sternum she felt energy rush up her spine. I asked her to explain it and she said it was hot and moving upwards.

So I haven't been the best at being able to tell when someone is awakened or not, I try to trust my intuition, sometimes I can feel shakti from others and I know they are awake, I don't remember feeling shakti from her presence. I do not think CJ is awake but she felt energy in her spine from me so maybe she is? Maybe this instance woke her up? I honestly don't know...

I told her that warning because not everyone is seeking enlightenment like I am and I am aware of that, I even can see how a path similar to mine may scare someone or make her "nervous" about being around me and my intense emotions. I guess I am just trying to come to terms with waking other people up, from my perspective it is more likely to happen in a sexual relationship, my other friends don't feel spine energy just from being around me. I did warn her though so I feel content.

Thank you Goddess, please speak through me.

 I gave up granting shaktipat to awaken kundalini, around 2006. I retired from my roleplay work on 1996 when I realized my clients were becoming awakened. So  so what makes you feel you are qualified to know when someone is ready to awaken and to be God-dess for them like that?

  If you awaken someone's kundalini, you are being Goddess for them and their karma will flow to you for about a decade. If they go into psychosis or resistance, you will get that too. Will you be able to help someone in that condition? People all over the world, having a difficult awakening, think it is a curse. You are ok because you warned her you are awakened? That is about as useful as a fortune cookie for explaining all what she might have to go through including the loss of everything. That is not consent!

  I used to know some people who would grant shaktipat to anyone, and I say "used to" because they are dead now.  The sort of ego that wants to do that hero trip, is connected to a body that is not nearly transparent enough to handle the incoming karma without becoming toxic and breaking down. I see kids on youtube, newly awakened offering shaktipat to anyone and wonder if they will make it to their 40s.

  Has it occurred to you, that sometimes you cannot tell if someone is awakened because its none of your business?

  Direct your sexual energy toward your Divine Beloved.

felt the whack right when i opened the forum, zen canes no fun, you are right, sometimes we need whacks, i guess finding other awakened people is a good thing as well, at least share some common grounds. i will not wake people up like that anymore, i feel like to an extent granting shaktipat is a new term for me. I never really thought of granting it in that way, I always felt like it was more of a presence, or thought based, like having to grant something into existence, to change a substance to transform. Isn't that what tantra is? Transformation. Granting shaktipat seems foreign to me in other ways, I haven't even tried to grant it, I'm starting to notice a lot of things happen "subconsciously" but they are part of me as well.
I knew she wasn't awakened
I did ask for an awakening so you are right not everyone is, and I am aware of the pain it may cause.
I guess I will just have to be extra careful who I share energy with, some people are not ready for higher energies, understanding consent is essential.
I wouldn't want to commit astral rape, I stop it if it ever happens, automatically,
meeting my db would be great, i feel like goddess manifests more for me in some ways.
Ive been thinking about my body lately, and the diamond body and trying to attain it.
i feel far from that state.
i haven't even cleared my own karma,

Sex before, during, and after K awakening are very different physically and emotionally.

Surrender is the big secret in all Tantra traditions. Before K awakening, our sexual desires and behaviors are primarily driven by ego - both lust and love. During K awakening, Goddess uses our desires and fears to show us what needs to be surrendered. Deep seated inhibitions, judgements, and unresolved pain bubbles up so that we can see our own fears and surrender them. After K awakening is actually a misnomer because K uncoils, unfolds, and evolves 'us' endlessly. When you're clear of your own karmic stuff through surrender to Goddess, then the life-long lesson of deepening your surrender and serving Her will continues - Thy will be done. In that state of surrender, sex (masturbation and with partner) is not driven by your own ego projections and desires but is an act of celebrating your amazing body that Goddess has given and sharing erotic joy with your partner. It is not need based sex but an overflowing of your own joy that is not dependent on the other person.

"That was the first time I felt awakened energy from another in person and was able to identify it and even confirm with Andrew that in fact we did experience the same thing"

Everything in Goddess' creation is unique. Every thought. Every dream. Every tiny little wave in the ocean. Language allows us to have shared understanding about common things but I would not characterize any two people's K experience to be the same thing. K resides in All that Is.

"I try to trust my intuition, sometimes I can feel shakti from others and I know they are awake"
Intuition can be misleading when you're overloaded with your own karma junk. Intuition can be led by ego based fears and desires if you're not in surrender. Goddess speaks through the body. When you're grounded, discernment can guide you if you listen. Feeling shakti from others does not automatically mean they are awake. Everyone is on their own journey and our paths cross. We all learn from and share with each other.

"I guess I am just trying to come to terms with waking other people up"
Mystress has already addressed this. 'I am waking other people' is 'doer' ego.

"I always felt like it was more of a presence, or thought based, like having to grant something into existence, to change a substance to transform. Isn't that what tantra is? Transformation."

:)
Language translations can be tricky. Tantra is more akin to transmutation than transformation. If you want you can think about transformation as a necessary first step to tantric transmutation. Doing exercise, meditating, eating healthy, sleeping well, laughing with friends, etc... are all transformations you can make to improve your own life in a healthy manner. When you're in surrender and grounded, you physical, emotional, and spiritual self transmutes - becomes something else. There is no 'I' doing things but simply 'Thy will be done'. For instance, during K awakening, people experience various abilities like heightened empathy, clairvoyance, etc.. called 'siddhis'. Experiencing siddhis is a transformative because it challenges and changes your perception of the world and yourself. You can also see a lot of people who spend their entire lives convincing themselves and others that they are special because they have experienced some siddhis. Real tantra is not about attainment of siddhis. Real transmutation happens when you surrender everything so that She can make you as She sees fit for her service.

"Ive been thinking about my body lately"
Nice. Get back into your own body and care for it well. Turn your attention inwards towards your own growth and surrender. The best help we can offer to the universe is to be our authentic self as Goddess wills. Namaste!
Happy holidays!!

Thank you Gopi, you are right, sex is different after awakening. After Mystress whacked me and said to direct my sexual energy towards my DB, I met her that night. We made love. It reminded me of Yab Yum's Union with Self. It was a great experience, I can't wait to get to know her better, my third eye is not very open compared to some friends I know, I'm waiting for later in this course when we deliberately open it, then I believe my connection with my DB will become more stable. Happy Holidays to you too.

You are ok because you warned her you are awakened? That is about as useful as a fortune cookie for explaining all what she might have to go through including the loss of everything. That is not consent!

Direct your sexual energy toward your Divine Beloved.

I find myself in a similar situation to sava. I recently started dating a lovely submissive man. Before we played, I warned him that play and sex with an awakened person can cause spiritual awakening. He wanted to know more about awakening, so I directed him to k-teacher and had him read the article on kundalini awakening. He did, but I'm not sure how much of it he understood.

Since then we've played several times and had sex, though not intercourse. I feel like I need to revisit this topic with him and emphasize the following words of Mystress:

Kundalini is considered the most powerful and potentially dangerous force in the universe. It's awakening can appear as madness, with visions, uncontrollable physical sensations and extravagant psychic phenomena.

It isn't something to be pushed, as premature awakening can be pure nightmare to a being that is not yet ready to handle the intense energies. Kundalini seeks to purify the soul, and resolve lifetimes of Karma in one lifetime.

This can be extremely traumatic, if you have not already done considerable work to prepare for the experience.

I plan to also link him to kundalini signs and symptoms on the k-gateway site. Is there anything else I should be doing or telling him? I certainly don't want to wake someone up who isn't ready, or who isn't aware of what it means to be kundalini awakened. I'm ok with taking on some karma from him when we play but I certainly don't feel up to being Goddess for him! How would you go about having that conversation?

Thanks.

WZ

Grounding with Universal Energy

So I have been working on grounding practically everyday now for the last 6 months or so and it has taken on some interesting transformations throughout this time period. Sometimes when I go to sleep I experience visions, I wouldn't call them dreams because I am lucid when they happen and it is more like I am being shown something by the universe to help me grow and transmute. A few nights ago I had one of these visions as I lay my head down to sleep.

It began with the light coming down through my crown which I envisioned as a bright thousand petaled lotus, then into my third eye, purple, my throat had some trouble letting light in so I had to clear my throat and jolt my body to allow energy to pass through, then my heart then my power chakra, sex chakra and root and down to the center of the Earth.

It began to rise up from the Earths kundalini chakra. I became aware that the sun and root chakras do not have any blockages in them so the energy I was receiving was pure and cleaning my channels. This energy rose up from the Earth and started ascending through all of my chakras. Now I can see myself as a very large naked being with vivid and defined features. I am sitting in full lotus position on the top of the Earth with my aura and the energy is making macrocosmic orbits from the Earth chakra to the Sun Chakra. Very powerful.

My divine beloved takes on a new form to greet me in this space, I can feel the energy coursing through me very strongly. She seems more stern this time, with a serious face and more defined features but still glowing in her radiant purple lights. She seems more akin to a teacher rather than a lover on this occasion. She seems strong with defined muscles and a very precise presence, she knows that she wants.

Then something more interesting happened, I thought well If I'm connecting with the Sun and Earth why not connect with the moon as well? I have read a small amount on "drawing down the moon" an ancient ritual to ask the moon Goddess to come into you and surrender to her power. The moon Goddess came down, a gray being with craters in her skin, beautiful but wrathful. She chokes me and energy pushes out of my crown as the result, I think she cleared some karma for me, very wrathful energy but not invasive. Im starting to realize that this wrathful energy that I am being exposed to is a lesson on the shadow, to learn to stay detached and not make projections about this or that. If I were to look at her and be scared that she was choking me then I would be projecting my own fears, everything is light anyway... so no need to label things good or bad, just acceptance.

This energy kept circulating for quite some time, I would say this was maybe a 3 hour ordeal. It gave me energy. It was very vivid and provided me with lots of energy. I tried to experiment with creating a microcosmic orbit with this energy and it felt less powerful so I just kept doing the macrocosmic orbit. I have not read much on the difference between these two orbits so Im not sure if I was doing it correctly, I will do some more research later, I have some training to do for work soon. I eventually descended back down in my body and went to sleep.
Thank you Goddess for these visions.

Direct your sexual energy toward your Divine Beloved.

I find myself in a similar situation to sava. I recently started dating a lovely submissive man. Before we played, I warned him that play and sex with an awakened person can cause spiritual awakening. He wanted to know more about awakening, so I directed him to k-teacher and had him read the article on kundalini awakening. He did, but I'm not sure how much of it he understood.

Since then we've played several times and had sex, though not intercourse. I feel like I need to revisit this topic with him and emphasize the following words of Mystress:

I plan to also link him to kundalini signs and symptoms on the k-gateway site. Is there anything else I should be doing or telling him? I certainly don't want to wake someone up who isn't ready, or who isn't aware of what it means to be kundalini awakened. I'm ok with taking on some karma from him when we play but I certainly don't feel up to being Goddess for him! How would you go about having that conversation?

Well, it's a moot point now. I had the email written about k-awakening to send him, but the guy I was dating decided that an exclusive 5-hour distance relationship wasn't for him. I'm sad and disappointed but not heartbroken. I was wondering why I had a nagging feeling of worry and anxiety in the pit of my stomach all afternoon, no matter how often I grounded and surrendered. I guess it's back to just me and DB. DB has been serenading me with one of my favorite bands today, Queen. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g_1omWwSrFU

Himono the Faery

So last night something very interesting happened... I met a faerie named Himono. It started out as me banishing ghosts from my space, sending them into the light to never return to my space, moving past my fear of them and accepting them as a part of my process here. I even had to love it a bit to convince it to leave, which I was okay with, I watched it transform a bit from "scary" to "happy" when I loved it. It burned in the light. I also envisioned my house spell, in particular, the karmic cleaning mechanism installed into it. I envision my house spell quite frequently but I notice an extra vividness in the karmic clearing aspect of it this night and a general more clear third eye view than when I normally envision it. Then a faerie appears.

At first I was apprehensive because I sent one into the light before and it never returned, I figured it was not a worthy guide and moved on, so I had a feeling this one might be the same. This one feels kind of playful. The last one felt very "dark". I sent the new faery, into the light, it seems kind of mad or maybe wondering why I was doing this? He didn't look like he wanted to go so I gave clear instructions, more so than the last one I sent, "I am sending you to test you... [I swallow my pride of not needing a guide] I am sending you to test you as a potential guide." Now I was able to send he/she into the light. He came back. I sent again. He came back. I sent him many times. He did not seem like he cared at all, he even came back joyful the last couple of times.

My guards begin to fall. I ask what is your name? I receive impressionistic sounds before I can clearly make out 'Himono'. I am delighted. His sized changed, he shrunk, or rather he took 0n real form with precise dimensions in my space, he became clearer. Pale blue glowing skin, he looks like he could be a cold creature but rather okay with his internal temperature, all black cape with a V-neck cut transcribed in it, Tattered wings but sturdy, it is more like they have character from life rather then them being tattered because he is strong, his wings are strong, Preying mantis looking arms and legs, kind of spiky, kind of gnarly face, almost snarly and "dark" but also filled with lots of "light" and last but not least, jagged teeth!

He is now buzzing around. I wonder why are you attracted here Himono? I am starting to feel the bliss very strongly. Then I remembered my many succulents and how I've been feeding them, giving them to the light by my window and offering them as homes to faeries.

Himono and I share some precious moments together.
He is filled with a raw playfulness that is not human but utterly beautiful.
I trust him.
A worthy guide indeed.
I offer him my succulents as a home.
He flies over to greet my plants by the window.

I start to think of how I can benefit from Himono? I read somewhere that faeries can teach humans interesting magic and wonder if Himono can teach me some. I surrender my expectations of how our relationship will unfold and my egotistical desire of wanting to learn magic from a faery and instead accept whatever may come. Putting my ego aside.

I also offer him my karma to snack on and the karma that happens around my space, I offer him to follow me throughout the day to snack if he wishes. I wasn't too sure how to define our relationship so I was just drawing on my past experiences of what I have read about faeries to give this encounter some structure.
It feels like this vision is coming to an end.
I now leave the visionary state and enter into the sleep state.
When I woke up I put some honey in a bowl as an offering to him. Thank you Himono for this experience. Thank you Goddess for these visions and visitors.

(https://i598.photobucket.com/albums/tt70/TaCoMaN_2oo9/edited-image_zpsnemktazm.png)

Thankfully, FST has inspired me to write and draw more. In the beginning of the course Mystress recommends students to keep a journal written in longhand to document their changes and experiences as they take the course. Granted, I did not start keeping one until a bit further down in the lessons. Sometimes, I create art in my journal as well. I have a quarts crystal ashtray I keep in my home, it is absolutely gorgeous. It is polished to perfection and shaped like a 3D pyramid. Imagine a full shaped pyramid that was cut into a fifth of its original size from the bottom up. With a circle cut in it to catch the ashes of various things that are burnt or smoked. I repurposed the cutout to serve as a base plate for a very simple candle I bought. It fit perfectly.
I admire how it looks on my table.
After writing in my journal for a bit one night I decided to draw the crystal and candle combination.
A man once described my art as fractal like, he said he could see fractals in it, like it was spiraling. I strive to achieve a sense of movement in my art so this was nice to hear. I tried to illustrate the energy exchange that happens when a candle burns, hence the energy field seen around the flame.
Furthermore, there is a hidden Yin Yang symbol etched in the candle wax itself in this sketch.

Above the candle reads:

Dark is necessary for light~•

I will admit, this was not intended as the title of this drawing, however, it was the last statement I wrote when I had finished writing then decided to sketch. I repurposed this blurb as the new title for my drawing and drew the squiggly line and dot for added effect. The hidden Yin Yang expresses this conceptual title very well.
Another perfect fit.

I am glad FST brought out my latent creativity again, even if it has changed form a bit. I keep my creativity alive by posting to this forum, recording my dreams and visions, documenting my progress and inferences, or doodling creatures and objects. FST has helped me be more confident in the content I create. It also improved my image of my self and others. Sometime I see others as a direct reflection of myself. They emulate the same qualities I see and admire in myself.
I can also see that where there is light shining there is shadow casting shade. An inseparable relationship.
The perceived shadow side of others is a reflection of myself. Carl Jung says that when we judge qualities in others as negative we are only judging aspects that are also a part of us. We need to embrace these darker aspects of ourselves, bring them into awareness, harness and control them to achieve enlightenment or to understand the self. To go beyond duality we need to stop judging good or bad. I believe we really live in not just a dual awareness, like light and dark, but we live in many shades of perception. Depending on how we choose to view the world with our personal lens that we give ourselves. Creating multiple different realities with every judgement we pass on events. We see the world for how we would like to. Not how it truly is.
Yin Yang expresses embracing the oneness. Light and dark as one in the same.
A non dual perspective.

Namaste.

Looks like I wasn't able to properly insert my image directly to the site again, it cut off most of it... Does anyone know how to post an image to this forum properly? I've seen it done before but I can't manage it haha
here is a link to the image if you like
https://s598.photobucket.com/user/TaCoMaN_2oo9/media/edited-image_zpsnemktazm.png.html?sort=3&o=0

Hello All, just wanted to make a post announcing I am back to FST now. I took quite a long break from watching the lesson videos and stopped watching the grounding videos every morning mostly because my life has become busy. I work a full time job teaching skiing and snowboarding and it can be pretty mentally and physically exhausting. Also, I have a partner now so I have been spending a lot of free time with her. I'm not going to make excuses why I cannot find time for this course because I could have made time for it so without further Ado, I'm back!

I watched the Mirror of All That Is, lesson today for maybe the 5th time and it was great. I know this course has taken me a long time to complete partly due to procrastination but that is okay. Like Mystress, says "Fools Rush In" so taking my time is not a bad thing. Moreover, I feel like this course has so much depth that it could not be understood completely in a short amount of time. I think three years is a good start and end finish time for most students, including myself. I am not sure exactly when I started (about two summers ago) so I believe I will be around the three year mark at completion give or take a few months.

This course is very important to me and the daily groundings helped my mental state a lot. So that is why I am back. I have been working on surrender myself as well. Just in daily life and applying the lessons where they are helpful. This course has been great for me and I am glad to be back.

One thing that has been on my mind has been the amount of work I have been doing. Mystress recommends her students to try and support themselves with their own flexible job so they do not have to conform to a demanding work schedule. This way they can let mystical experience and progress flow more smoothly. This idea has become very appealing to me because I do believe my demanding schedule interferes with my ability to surrender to the Goddess and my Divine Beloved. To remedy this problem, I have started saving money recently to take some time off at the beginning of April to focus on myself and deepen my ability to surrender. I have gotten tastes of how it feels to surrender and I want that state to become more of my default setting. Life is so much easier when you let divine will take control of your life instead of free will. All of this karmic junk is surfacing that I realize I am holding onto, like desires that are ego based, beliefs, judgments ect. and I just want them all gone... "Goddess this is yours it is a gift for you, thank you for taking it"

-Sincerely, Savas

Hello Sava,
Welcome back!

Quote"I think three years is a good start and end finish time for most students, including myself. I am not sure exactly when I started (about two summers ago) so I believe I will be around the three year mark at completion give or take a few months."

Every individual's journey is different. Everyone has different life experiences and different karmic loads. The lessons are structured to provide guidance to an evolutionary process but not as set-in-stone dogma. Some individuals take more time on certain lessons because they are working through things at a pace that Goddess sees fit. Mystress recommends one lesson per week because there are some students (like me) who want enlightenment yesterday and attempt to rush through. If someone takes more than a week to *integrate* (not simply read and nod) a lesson, that is perfectly OK. You are not lagging behind. Sit with what resonates with your inner self. No need to rush.

Quote"I have been working on surrender myself as well. Just in daily life and applying the lessons where they are helpful. This course has been great for me and I am glad to be back."

Yes. Integrating lessons into your everyday lived life based on your own experiences is Tantric practice. Once you realize your own truth based on your lived experience, other people's opinions don't matter much (except for learning more) and you lose all interest in debating to prove anything to anyone. And no one can take away your experience of truth no matter how hard they try to convince you otherwise.

Quote"I have gotten tastes of how it feels to surrender and I want that state to become more of my default setting. Life is so much easier when you let divine will take control of your life instead of free will."

Ahh... yes. The silence and peace can initially feel like depression because brain has been used to lot of ego-based-doing-activity and karma noise in the past. So silence can feel boring or even anxiety inducing at times esp. if you have had lots of drama in your life. But after some time, you ease in to the silence and then you start craving for more and more till you get absorbed completely into it. The essence of non-dulaist spirituality - you are not the thougts but the silence.

Good to have you back. And happy new year!

Namaste!
Gopi

Thank you Gopi, your comments are always so insightful. I will be looking for the silence today. Namaste.

Hello all :) I am on the Kundalini Psychosis lesson and wow this is powerful.  Goddess is helping me to see the perfection in all that is. I created some metaphysical sunglasses to help me see the perfection. They are made of 100% pure mirror. Whenever I put them on all my perceptions are reflected back at me. Which helps me merge into all things. Another way to do this is to flip any judgment back on yourself, for example, I see imperfection in another, I flip the same negative judgment to myself. This has helped me become acutely aware of my own ego, and how it separates me from experiencing unity. Everything I see is a mirror of my self.
This new perception of mine is small but ever powerful. I gained this insight from the Mirror of All That is lesson.
I love that lesson because it is a challenging lesson for me and it provoked a lot of karma and ego needs to surface. I am excited to see how much of my own ego I will be able to view while using my Mirror Sunglasses or New Mirrored Perception. They help me see things more clearly. I am finally seeing my SELF which is all, instead of trying to separate from my self with fear and hatred.
I just watched the Kundalini Psychosis Video and read the lesson for the first time and my feelings were validated there as well. If you think the world needs saving...you are experiencing your self, not the world. The world is perfect. Only our judgments deem it imperfect.
Maybe give the sunglasses a try if you like. Put them on and only see reality as yourself. It is a great way to merge with all things.
I hope everyone is getting rest. Take some time to yourself if need be, be a little "selfish" ;)
-Savas

Love the sunglasses trick Sava, funny and def going to try it....!!

I have been taking more time to write in my journal (longhand) and ground more recently. I was going through some traumatic times but I feel like I am finally back to a place that is more peaceful. Looking back upon that incident, I realize that I was struggling with the duality of scarcity and plentifulness. I victimized myself and relapsed back into an anxious state because I was worried about the plentifulness of my future.
I realize now that Goddess and my DB<3 have the best interests for me. And doubting them is showing a lack of faith in the Divine Will that I know is guiding my life. So with that being said, I was foolish to believe my life was in danger because it was not. Thank you for being with me. I have yet to create a strong connection with my higher self but my DB and I are bonding more everyday. Especially this last full moon, Her presence was strong :) Thank you
The more and more growth I make the more polarities are broken. For example, the polarity between scarcity and plentifulness is the more recent polarity I have been observing. When these polarities are broken I am left with nothing really. It is so hard to describe.. but after a polarity is dissolved within you it is like the space that the polarity used to take up in my psyche is no longer there. All of the worries associated with the polarity are also dissolved because the root of the issues is the polarity itself. If I cannot see scarcity nor plentifulness then everything is the exact way it should be and not somewhere in between an imaginary scale in my mind. Without polarity, the judgment scarce or plentiful is gone and I can view my world with abundance, perfectly forged for me, by Goddess.
It is kind of like the two polarities snap and disintegrate then I can view the world with less judgments resulting from the previous scale I was using. I have a feeling this is connected with the root chakra, scarcity and plentifulness. All of these polarities keep coming back to be surrendered so I can move on and have less stress. I know that every polarity in me will be dissolved as this process takes more shape until I am left without polarity, or non duality. Non duality feels like nothing... I never thought that nothing could taste so sweet.
I remember at the beginning of my awakening, I yearned for so much info, it was like I wanted all these questions answered for some reason because they would help me "understand". AS I have grown, I have moved away from this outside searching, I am starting to find what I a looking for within my own body. And to my surprise and delight, the experience I was searching for was in fact "nothing". Or the Void. Here anything is possible. Without the fear associated with wanting to know more,  am left with nothing. Or the overwhelming silence of peacefulness. Sweet surrendering :)
Thank you Goddess

Savas wrote: "I realize now that Goddess and my DB<3 have the best interests for me. And doubting them is showing a lack of faith in the Divine Will that I know is guiding my life."
Happy for you.
Doubts are an essential and healthy part of growth.
Doubt and faith can co-exist; having doubts does not mean you are less spiritual.
Goddess gave us brains to ask questions and the universe is full of mysteries we do not understand.
Unquestioning faith leads to fascist cults and there is no need for self-flagellation about lacking in faith.
The real challenge for spiritual growth is to remain open to life despite our own fear based doubts and acquired limited beliefs.
You do not have to believe in anything in order to accept that you don't know what the next moment will bring.
Blind faith is similar to cynicism even though they may look like polar opposites - both assume you know what will happen.
Collapse the duality of belief and non-belief; all that remains is being open to life in the moment, here and now.
In the words of Maya Angelou, "Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn't know before you learned it."

Savas wrote: " Non duality feels like nothing... I never thought that nothing could taste so sweet.
I remember at the beginning of my awakening, I yearned for so much info, it was like I wanted all these questions answered for some reason because they would help me "understand". AS I have grown, I have moved away from this outside searching, I am starting to find what I a looking for within my own body. And to my surprise and delight, the experience I was searching for was in fact "nothing". Or the Void. Here anything is possible. Without the fear associated with wanting to know more,  am left with nothing. "
So many names for this sweet 'nothing' and all those names are not enough.
Japanese Buddhists call the experience as 'satori' to refer to real nature of buddhahood as awakening to this nothingness.
Satori is not an achievement that is based on the seekers intellect or effort.
One falls into satori (or) satori falls upon them - enveloped in the peace and silence.
There is nothing more to do; nothing to say; nowhere else to be.
Just being here now.

Collapsing polarities and walking the middle path is Tantra practice.
So nice to see your growth and am happy that you feel at peace.

Namaste!
Gopi

I am writing this post in a grounded state because I respect my body and all of the other bodies who will be affected by my actions here on this sacred site. I’m asking Goddess for guidance and She provides, recently, I would say the past three weeks or so, I have had ear pain after flying aircraft. Today we climbed to 3000 ft for training, did some maneuvers and landings then back to home airport. I felt a pain at times but nothing that wasn’t manageable. Tonight, the pain in my ear is worse. And is and has been making it difficult for me to sleep. I suspect it is allergies and if this pain persists I will be seeing a specialist to try and get to the bottom of this.

This is very hard to admit because I could lose my career Over something like this. and I am already in debt 100,000 USD for my training and I love what I do so I do not want to give up, I would love to see this through. Goddess these worries are a gift for you, please take them, thank you.

I know that no matter what happens I will be okay. Goddess has the best most perfect plans for me. No matter what happens my true nature is divinity. When we are truly grounded there is no anxiety. No fear of the future. Goddess all I ask is a perfect surrender to your Will. I may worry from time to time but I always make it back here. However long it takes. I am actively shortening this ungrounded state due to worry. A deeply engrained pattern that I am breaking. Worry in my head now means surrender immediately. I am in reverence to this reality and will not take it for granted again by worrying. An inescapable knowing that you have me cradled in your Arms is my antidote. Your lovely limbs hold me so gently. My divine beloved holds me as does Goddess. So many limbs projected. Beautiful glowing arms wrapped around me. I’ve known this all along, life is so much easier when we just let go.

I am protected, my future is secure. Thank you Goddess for these trials and tribulations, they serve a purpose for me to surrender deeply. Even when things get tough. To trust you more. To let go of my deeply rooted anxiety that I have been struggling with for so long. To let go of the natural urge to form resistance when I label events like the ones I just laid out as misfortune. I know I am perfect and my extended self, all that Is, is perfect as well, we are the same, separateness is an illusion. I am ready to let go of that pattern. These kind of ego thought forms always make me fall off the path. But not this time. Not ever again. I choose to allow this to happen and will respond differently. Or not respond at all really. I just accept reality and allow the waves to peak and break then repeat for eternity. I feel this pain deeply, rejoice, Surrender, move on. I am releasing more karma everyday.

I am actively being more gentle with myself and being more gentle with others. Deep breathes and sincerity when dealing with others. Seeing self as not just me but Self as the whole world. My awareness expands and I get to share this precious awareness with others. Merging with all that is.

Goddess I surrender everything I can to you now, please take it, it is a gift for you :)

Ugh haven’t been getting good sleep. I’ve had to get up and pee frequently at night and it’s leaving me feeling restless during the day. I’ve been having this issue for awhile now but it’s really getting worse, sometimes I have to get up like 6 times… I really need to see a Dr.

My family is looking into getting me healthcare, I’m so tired of not having it. I did some google searches and they call this nocturia. Peeing frequently at night. Sometimes there can be an underlying cause that is more serious, but the symptoms can at least be treated with some medications.

It feels like all these symptoms and stuff going on with my body just won’t stop. I’m trying my best to address them but it’s kind of overwhelming, and the cost is too. My family is getting tired of dealing with the cost of my health. While they spend tens of thousands of dollars on home renovation they don’t need. Fuck.

Thank you for taking this Goddess, it is a gift for you, please allow me to listen to my body, and figure out what is going on.

I haven’t been back in years. I’ve still been doing grounding usually once a day but I knew that my grounded state was waning.

I’ve decided to start over with FST. I just started the first lesson last night. Today, I did the grounding 8 times. Very powerful. And the one breathe method when needed. Also, started my written paper and pencil journal up again. This time I will use it more frequently. I plan on posting here as well.

Was a great day. I felt more present and embodied when with others. I felt more embodied when by myself as well. I will be doing 8 times a day for the next 45 days. Maybe longer. I don’t see anything wrong with meditating 8 times a day, it’s quick and easy and enjoyable :)

I can’t wait to start FST over again. Maybe I’ll even finish it this time. As Godess Wills.

Thank you Goddess for a good day. Thank you Josh for having a BDay today, I was able to give you a gift and you gave me a hug. Friends are great.

I will be incorporating Retro into my daily routines, for me and retro on others, I just need to memorize the phrases.

Thank you to FST as a community well, so many great people here.

<3

Happy to hear this.

Continue to practice grounding.

I wrote down retro phrases on a small notecard and keep it in my wallet.

Namaste!
Gopi

I've been writing more in my Journal, the pen and paper one, I'll keep the entries in that one separate more or less than this one.

I know the new FST is not finished but it looks crispy and clean, ecited for the changes to come.

I went from grounding 8x a day to 2 x a day, with 3 or more Karmic Energy Dumps a day and it seems to not be enough. I think I will try and make it more 4x a day for the grounding and 3x a day for dumps.

I've noticed I get stuck in my head quite a bit which makes me ungrounded. Basically, I find myself getting a bit too attached to my thoughts, then that either spirals into worry or overthinking. I will just come back to the breathe.

I intuitively feel that with this second go with FST the biggest change I want to make is staying grounded. I think for true progress my grounding will need to be solid, so I think upping to 4x a day will help :)

Im still struggling with social anxiety at times I suppose but Im honestly becoming less extroverted right now anyway. Im finding more peace within myself, being by myself, most people truly dont offer real company anyway, and I would rather just spend time with my own psyche. Friedrich Nietzsche said, "My solitude doesn't depend on the presence or absence of people; on the contrary, I hate who steals my solitude without, in exchange, offering me true company".

I will be more selective on who I share time with.

Also, havent been in the best of moods due to ear pain, and severe environmental allergies. Im deathly allergic to some trees, grasses and weeds. Dr. Said it is allergies that are causing all this pain in my head and ear and to solve this Ill need to move for the time being, which I am moving to Utah, Park City, which is in the mountains, and I'll be going weekly to get the allergy shots performed to build immunity.

Ive been in pain for 4 months, due to this and lost my career as a pilot. I offered gratitude for my situation and was finally able to sell my aviation headset for $600. Thank you Goddess. I am offering gratitude again here for my recent plight. I know everything will be fine, thankfully, I am not worried despite this.

I am only open to the new possibilities and blessings I will receive. I know Goddess has me covered, So I can rest easy, of course I still have my sword sheathed, I know blind faith can be dangerous so I'm seeking the middle path between Worry and Complacency.

Thank you Goddess for the troubles.

I am going to begin using Retro on myself and others, been putting that off for a bit.

Ok I am getting a bit tired of writing here, I am going to do my first viewing of Sacredness Of Sexuality lesson tonight.

Thanks for listening, I hope the FST community is doing well <333

I think I might experience with a Mantra of sorts. I feel like I rush myself, which brings my mindfulness down.

I know there is the whole, "Don't tell others your intentions or they won't come true." I think that statement doesn't apply in this particular scenario.

I think I'll write this on my bathroom mirror as a reminder in the morning.


Something like

Slow Down
Breathe
Be Gentle With You
And Others
Take Your Time
Rest If Needed
Be Purposeful
Be Mindful
Be Kind
Smile :)
Love

I've made some good progress with upping the grounding to 4 times day, also, the energy dump overload as well. This morning I dumped overload for about 4 minutes, which felt great. I've been trying to hone in on listening to my body more, I notice it kind of speaks to me, sometimes I get a rush of energy and if I don't listen to my body and expel that energy then I don't feel great/ I feel backed up or restless if I don't expel that energy when it arises.
I caught a viral infection so I don't have much energy right now so I think that's it for this post.

Thank you for checking in. I have been doing retro on allergies, they are actually a type of trauma response, the body responding to a threat that is not real.

Glad you are grounding more.

There is an FST grad in Utah, lives in the desert. Graduated 20 years ago. Super cool dude, we kept in touch on fb. If you like I will pass him your email, see if he is interested to meet you.

Well, I suppose that could be true, but I can tell you this much. My allergy symptoms are MUCH better now that I am not in Florida. And it's only been three days. Maybe my ear problem will be completely resolved in a matter of weeks, maybe months.

Doctor said it was an issue with my eustachian tube,  which is the small part of your ear that regulates pressure changes, hence why I can't fly airplanes anymore, He said my ear was visibly inflamed, and there was some fluid as well, he said it was due to severe allergies. He gave me a steroid shot in my arm and I felt better in 30 minutes. He says it'll last for three weeks so it should be wearing off sometime soon.

Looking at the issue from an energetic perspective, I certainly had the most traumatic experiences of my entire life in Florida and I developed the severe environmental allergies shortly there after. I got sick with mono and developed crippling chronic anxiety disorders about 10 years ago and that's when all the allergies started and I had to get surgery on my sinuses, which did help. Who knows...

In the meantime, I think I'll continue my immunotherapy treatments. And continue peeling away at my karma.

Yeah, that would be great. Maybe he would be interested in meeting me. I'll send you a personal message on Skype of my new email address. Or maybe I'll just update it on here.

I think you're probably right about the trauma response manifesting allergies. I'll meditate on it. TY

It just seems like there's one problem after another keep going through fucking bullshit. I've got these ingrown toenails. I've been trying everything to make them better. I start snowboard and ski instruction in three weeks so hopefully I can get them better by then. It's not I'm just gonna have to push through the pain because I don't have any money and this is the only job that I Can see myself Doing for a long time. This will be my fifth season as a full-time instructor. Goddess Please help me fucking fix this shit. Thanks for the troubles. I guess I can only really laugh at myself. Life goes on ~~~~

Been making good progress with social anxiety. Had a few conversations today and didn't really feel the fight or flight response.

I quit smoking cigarettes which has helped my stress levels.

Also, I haven't drank alcohol (more than one beer) in a couple weeks. I'm going to try and keep it that way because once I start drinking, it gets out of control.

Been listening to my body a lot more. Life is easier when you look towards the body for the guidance you need/instead of the mind.

I think the steroids are wearing off and my ear pain is coming back... Idk I'll just take acetaminophen and ibuprofen combined if the pain is overwhelming. My health insurance through my employer kicks in Dec 1st, and its great coverage. I'll see about finding a new primary care physician who can see me.

I talked with an older gentleman today and he said acupuncture did wonders for his allergies. Maybe I'll give that a shot.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Energetically, I'm doing great :) I tend to be hard on myself so it can be difficult to admit that I have been prioritizing myself, and I have been doing a good job. There is a lot going on that I'm not happy with regarding my physical health, but I can rest easy knowing I am trying my best. I'm getting a bit emotional now, karma being released I think. My nose is running a bit but I'm not crying. It's about over now. It has definitely been happening more often lately, tears of joy, tears of anger/frustration, I do my best to just stay detached while allowing them to come -- then go. Also, honesty has been on my mind lately. I don't want to lie to anyone anymore. I would often lie to protect my ego from getting hurt but that never works. I'm kind of an emotional man, and being a straight male the societal pressure has always been "be a manly man" and I've succumbed to that plenty of times and denied my true self.

I find journaling here in the TeaRoom extremely cathartic. I'm so grateful for this little community. And I am grateful for my new job. Thank you Goddess for this life I live <333

I wrote down the 2 phrases for Retro and put them in my wallet. An unpleasant emotion arose yesterday, I couldn't find the memory but I knew intuitively it was about social anxiety. I immediately pulled out the 2nd phrase and read it to myself. It did work well.

Later in the day, a traumatic memory emerged, one that I have thought about often, when I was bullied as a kid in Highschool, I read the 1st phrase this time. It worked.

I am excited to keep using Retro when needed. I think this will be a great tool to overcome my social anxiety and generalized anxiety :)

I'm starting Roleplay and Responsibility tomorrow.

Quote from: SavaI'm kind of an emotional man, and being a straight male the societal pressure has always been "be a manly man" and I've succumbed to that plenty of times and denied my true self.

Louise Hay suggested that allergies can be a manifestation of denying your own power when confronted with changes.
Men who deny their feminine aspects and women who deny their masculine aspects will experience negative impacts in their spiritual growth.
Also Hay suggested that ear related symptoms can be a manifestation of anger, not wanting to hear inner Guidance, and feeling out of balance with the changes surrounding you.

From a Tantra perspective, your thoughts and words have profound impact on your physical and emotional well-being.
Be compassionate in how you talk about yourself in your mind voice.
The more you take personal responsibility for your own life, the more you become powerful.
Accepting more personal power requires practicing more inner discipline.
Anyone can become powerful but very few ripen to become wise and powerful.
Knowing how to cultivate and use your personal power is wisdom.
FST is a DIY path and experience is the lab test for wisdom.

Quote from: SavaI am excited to keep using Retro when needed. I think this will be a great tool to overcome my social anxiety and generalized anxiety :)

Happy to hear this and thank you for sharing valuable feedback about your progress.
Feedback based on personal experience is very helpful for research.
Anxiety can be caused by many things - diet, trauma, empathy overload, etc.
Anxiety gets triggered when we are unable to trust the process and life and want to control based on our expectations.
We try to control what is beyond our control and then freak out about being out of control.
There is a quote by Corrie Ten Boom that I like to use as reminder for myself - "Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength."
Also, the Christian serenity prayer can be helpful as well "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"

There is good fear and bad fear, in a manner of speaking.
Good fear is what protects us from danger and can make us feel alive.
For example, trying something new can be scary and exhilarating fun.
Bad fear is what prevents us from living truthfully and can make us feel paralyzed.
For example, fear of rejection and shame can make us feel miserable and alienated from everyone.

We are human and we can still have creative fears when our surrender is not complete.
As Mystress says, Goddess has it handled.

Hope you have a lovely day.

Namaste!
Gopi

Thank you Gopi for the kind words.

I have accepted that the ear pain is something I cannot change. And I am learning to accept that there are just some things I cannot change. My declining health I cannot directly change. All I can do is continue taking great care of my body and speaking/thinking positively about all that has happened to me recently.

I cannot control how others will perceive me, I can only be myself and take all the fire and flames that come with it. Instead of trying to appease others. I'm learning to just accept myself for who I am and leaving the rest behind. "Growth" sometimes feels like the word wrong to describe my process of surrender. It feels more like a reductive process, layers of my ego being pulled away to reveal who I truly am ~~

On a different note, I really do love my job. I love teaching people how to snowboard, it is so rewarding when people learn because of me. I take great care of my students and it really shows in their progress. Often I find myself so happy on the mountain, where I'm naturally smiling. I am so grateful for my position.

Training for my next level of certification begins soon. We have the option to attend "clinics" with a trainer on off days or after work to prepare for the next certification. I really do love learning all of the technical skills and people skills associated with being a Snowboard Instructor.

I've noticed people treat me differently when I'm grounded, especially women, I find they smile at me more.

I stopped watching porn and masturbation is much better now. I don't feel guilty or ashamed afterwards.

I used to have a lot of great sex in the past and while it was very sensually pleasureful, I never really found a deep connection with those women. For my next sexual relationship, I am going to be more picky about who I share myself with. I want my next intimate relationship to be with a woman who is spiritually awakened, someone I really connect with, respect and care about.

I guess I would be open to a relationship but I honestly am a bit more interested in getting back in touch with my DB. I used to get fantastic visions of Her at the beginning of my awakening but have lost touch as the years progressed. Maybe this is because I am starting to stabilize. In the beginning it was like ebbs and flows, now when I am grounded in daily life, weeks feel live a river flowing steadily. Life feels like a series of circles that I am surrounded by and influencing. It is hard to describe but is very tranquil. I am becoming more stable, in every aspect of living, work flows smoothly, relationships, short encounters.

I'm looking forward to getting to progressing with FST and getting back in touch with DB (Her) and my Higher Self (He) in the meantime. I am going to start Roleplay and Responsibility tonight hopefully.

Quote from: Sava on Nov 30, 2024, 04:54:47 PMI'm learning to just accept myself for who I am and leaving the rest behind. "Growth" sometimes feels like the word wrong to describe my process of surrender. It feels more like a reductive process, layers of my ego being pulled away to reveal who I truly am ~~

Hehe... snake molting dead skin.
Goddess path is cyclical - moon cycle - wax and wane.
Old ego self gets ripped apart to make space for new self which will be shed once its purpose is completed.
Rinse. Lather. Repeat.

Crown chakra is often described as 1000 petal lotus which is a metaphor for 'ever blossoming' learning through Higher guidance.
In the K-path, learning happens throughout our life and through surrender we are continually evolved in ways that Goddess sees fit for us.
We cannot always make sense of why we are going through an experience immediately.
Complete surrender means we do not have to understand everything.
You lay all your worries at Goddess' feet and it's Hers to deal with.

The basics of FST daily spiritual practice is actually simple (but powerful) once you develop it as a habit: dump overload, ground, do retro, read FST lesson, eat healthy, get some exercise, have some artistic outlet, be kind to your body, and practice gratitude every time you worry about future.
If you are having a bad day, then just ground, practice gratitude, and do what feels good for your body (even if that means just being couch potato for a day).

Quote from: Sava on Nov 30, 2024, 04:54:47 PMOn a different note, I really do love my job. I love teaching people how to snowboard, it is so rewarding when people learn because of me. I take great care of my students and it really shows in their progress. Often I find myself so happy on the mountain, where I'm naturally smiling. I am so grateful for my position.
Training for my next level of certification begins soon. We have the option to attend "clinics" with a trainer on off days or after work to prepare for the next certification. I really do love learning all of the technical skills and people skills associated with being a Snowboard Instructor.
I've noticed people treat me differently when I'm grounded, especially women, I find they smile at me more.

So happy to hear this.
When you do what you love, you shine brilliantly and others get attracted to that shiny happy energy.

When we are grounded, we are less likely to hanker for other peoples attention.
When we are grounded, we don't act desperate and clingy.
When we are grounded, we don't have to use manipulation to get other peoples attention or admiration.
When we are grounded, we are less likely to be swayed by other peoples emotional influences and remain true to ourselves.
When we are grounded, we do not have to give in to feeling threatened by or jealous of other peoples achievements.
When we are grounded, we do not have to remain bound by fear of failure.

So it is not surprising that people respond more positively towards you when you are grounded.
Those who want the peace of grounding will be drawn towards you when you remain grounded.

Quote from: Sava on Nov 30, 2024, 04:54:47 PMI guess I would be open to a relationship but I honestly am a bit more interested in getting back in touch with my DB. I used to get fantastic visions of Her at the beginning of my awakening but have lost touch as the years progressed. Maybe this is because I am starting to stabilize. In the beginning it was like ebbs and flows, now when I am grounded in daily life, weeks feel live a river flowing steadily. Life feels like a series of circles that I am surrounded by and influencing. It is hard to describe but is very tranquil. I am becoming more stable, in every aspect of living, work flows smoothly, relationships, short encounters.

Erotic energy expresses itself in many ways and does not always need a sexual release.
I used to get worried about the ebb-and-flow my sexual libido.
Mystress then explained to me that erotic energy will flow wherever creative work is needed.
So sometimes I will feel asexual (and usually means I am very passionately invested in some creative project).
Then my libido comes back after some time on its own and I feel like a teen again. LOL.
Sexual libido also depends on external things like stress, diet, medication, and sleep.
Anyway.. it is normal for sexual libido to ebb and flow during K process.

Here is a Tantra ritual for men I learned from Mystress.
Men can masturbate and shoot their seed aimed at the fiery crystal of the Earth.
You can physically spill seed on ground (assuming you are in private and not breaking local laws) or just imagine shooting your seed into the fiery crystal of the Earth.

Happy to hear your progress.
Have a lovely day.

Namaste
Gopi

I had to restart again. I got caught up in a relationship and work and I lost my focus on FST.

I've been grounding 8 times a day for 4 days now/energy dumping and I'm going to start over on the lessons again/journaling.

I'm not going to try and make excuses for why I haven't been doing FST, I'm just going to try and do better :)

Happy to be back.

Welcome back!
Good to hear from you again.
Glad you are grounding and revisiting lessons.
New FST has lots of new practical exercises and revised content.
So it is worth revisiting lessons.

Namaste
Gopi

Day 43 of grounding 8 times a day :)

started a new hand written journal today and finished the first chapter of FST.

Feeling better and more connected to source energy.

Really looking forward to reconnecting with DB, our connection used to be very strong but has faded.

Also, I used to receive visions but haven't had any in years. I dont think visions are neccesary for spiritual growth so I am not yearning for more but I remain open to whatever may come.

I will be re-writing the 2 versions of retro on a card to put in my wallet and use when needed, then when retro becomes more automonous I'll stop whipping the cards out and perform the magic metaphysically. Maybe, i can get to that today, if not today, I'll do it soon.

Ok I think its time for a walk and a stretch. :)

been doing so much better with grounding, and staying grounded, writing in my handwritten journal, letting go of old beliefs, and I am almost done with the introduction to kundalini lesson. feeling so great today :) I woke up earlier than normal and feel full of energy.

I read the part where Mystress says "do not seek awakening unless you are ready to turn your life over to the Will of your Soul." and I have read this many times. But it had more meaning this time around, it felt more attainable, more doable. Looking forward to what may come~

Life flows better with Goddess in charge.

I'll admit I haven't made much progress since my awakening 7 years ago

But I think now I can see what has been holding me back

I've identified the cause and am committed to changing my ways

And things have gotten better



I'm hearing the cues from my body more easily

Sometimes the sensations/phenomena feel invasive but I am learning to go with it and not be scared when Goddess moves through me

It just requires a deeper surrender on my part



I'm on Roleplay and Responsibility now, I've been going slowly but that's ok, I'm not in a rush.



I will stay on this new path and not get distracted by the things that have thrown me off course in the past. If I can go 6 days without veering off, I can go 600. I can do this, it is very hard but with my will and help from Goddess I have faith I can restore balance and let this process unfold naturally. I've been fighting for a long time, but honestly I just feel like giving up, I know it will be worth it.

Happy New Year Sava!
Good to hear from you.

Expectations about linear time and progress don't make much sense when dealing with K.
Nature or Divine Feminine based way of living emphasizes cyclical nature of time - moon cycles, fertility cycles, seasonal cycles, crop cycles, etc.

As your heart chakra opens more, you will experience increased empathy with everything that you interact with. Anytime you feel something invasive or out of character:
* Pause and ground
* Ask your discernment whether what you are feeling is your own stuff? If you are grounded, you should get a clear bodily response.

Mystress taught me this. It is astonishing how much of the emotional content that flows through me is not mine (most of the time). If I identify with any of it, then I grow an ego around it.

Also, dumping overload helps manage empathy overload. I usually feel restless, anxious, and unable to focus when I am overloaded (unwanted empathic junk). That's my cue to dump overload.

I can relate to you when you say 'it is very hard'.
During my initial days of FST, I felt the same way and restarted lessons multiple times.
There were some very challenging lessons that I had to repeat many times.
I felt stuck at some lessons for several months because it took me that long to integrate the insights through life experience.
Mystress encouraged me to not give up... and honestly, a part of me knew I had to finish this course no matter how long it took.
After graduation, I can honestly say for myself that it was worth all the effort.
Several years after graduation, I re-read lessons and find new insights.

Take your time - your Higher Self and Goddess know what is best for you.
You can do this!

Namaste
Gopi

Thank you Gopi for the insights and kind words as always. Also, the encouragement is much appreciated.

Im off to re reading the retro tech again so I can use it more effortlessly, it really is groundbreaking tech.

I've been having trouble sleeping more than 5-6 hours. I usually sleep 8-9. I have been making significant changes in my lifestyle though, I didn't drink much but recently I gave up alcohol altogether.

I've been energy dumping usually 3 times a day for a total of 7-8 minutes because in the past this definitely helped me sleep more.

I feel okay, maybe slightly under rested, I only slept 5 hours last night, then laid in bed awake for about an hour.

The internet says I should be getting more sleep, but I also know that folks often need less sleep after awakening. I've just never had that affect til now. Is this a cause for concern? Maybe I just need to energy dumping more?

Update: day has progressed and I feel great, I don't feel tired like I haven't gotten enough sleep. I guess this might be the new normal for me, woohoo :)
Feeling grateful today

Im on role play and responsibility but am a bit stuck.



I wrote in my journal about the relationship with my parents, and have let go of blaming them, what I wrote in my journal regarding my parents is more thorough but I'll just sum it up here, the things that have bothered me about them also taught me how not to be. And I am grateful for that lesson.



I'm just struggling to understand what the other part means "Begin to get a feel for the power exchange in your own life. Notice what power exchanges appear consensual, and which have a winner and a loser or victim."



Maybe there is a different way to explain this? Maybe something experiential so I can understand it better?

The power chakra issues are hardest for most people, so the ideas are revisited repeatedly.

Ultimately we are all Gods of our own lives so attitude of victimhood is very disempowering.

Goddess sees perfection, seeing your life through Her eyes is peace.

On the more mundane, people play roles to get energy from others, typically described as power games. Being grounded and getting energy from the earth gives the opt out.

 There are many systems that attempt to divine people into four quadrants, I use the one from a book: Celestine vision (https://celestinevision.com/2015/11/james-redfield/understanding-power-struggles-in-relationships/)

Sometimes they seem contradictory like "A leader is in service to the needs of those they lead." Doctors, teachers, is a service position but via leadership.

Also sort of connected to the aspects of consciousness lesson, learning to think of identity as a committee with roles rather than a single I.

The Aspects video is missing, we could not find it on the master tapes when we redid them for better quality. I only have the realplayer version of it, tiny low rez window, 22050hertz audio; what streaming looked like in 2000. Had a chat with GPT yesterday about whether it could be restored with AI. Seems complicated!

I finished the aspects lesson and tried to move on to the next but was given the veil despite being there for two weeks. Is there a way to fix this?

Yea its been totally broken since the Artemis launch. I hoped we could fix it before anyone noticed!! ... but J didn't see my email. He is working on it now.

In Dec I spent about 3 weeks, long days attempting to write a new membership management system with chatgpt. I wanted to release it for the new year but that day I discovered it was totally lying to me about what was done and had a complete hysterical meltdown.

I gave it up to Goddess and a grad student reappeared, the one who made the original mystery curtains! He is a pro python dev and pretty much rewrote everything, but its taken a while. It is a beautiful system.

In the meantime I am responding to pass the next lesson url directly. Check your messages.