The Tea Room

Over the past few months, things have taken on a new level of intensity, and, for the first time since getting involved in all of this work, I find myself wondering whether the whole kundalini thing has just been the universe playing a big joke on me, or that I’m actually schizophrenic, or on my way to becoming so. The symptoms are dramatic: frequent deja vu, a periodic sense of encountering powerful, timeless deities, growing spaceyness and cognitive sluggishness, physical exhaustion, the overwhelming sense that whatever “I” am is disintegrating inside, dissolving. There is an associated, underlying fear that I’ll dissociate completely and wake up institutionalized, or simply “lost” forever.
   
Right now, writing this, I can feel “the Gods” watching me: fierce, timeless, immensely powerful. I don’t know what they want from me, how I tuned into that "wavelength," if I’ve angered them, or if this sense of interaction with “the hierarchy” is just a figment of a vivid imagination.

I recently came to the sharp realization that much of my “surrendering” has been resistance in disguise, and this issue has proven to be very, very tricky for me. I have a talent for resistance. Being a student in the midst of a rigorous program, I started using Adderall to try and keep everything together and even that ended up backfiring. The mental sluggishness makes me need to pick my battlesâ€"where I expend mental energyâ€"but now, I find that there’s the growing necessity to avoid battles altogether. Looking back at various points in my process, I see moments of pseudo acceptance, pseudo surrender born of hollow intention that does not withstand the real test of when things “get real,” when Goddess ups the  ante. I surrendered in word, thought and deed: but in my heart I still clung. I suppose that seeing this from a new angle may well be a sign of progress.

While the periods of internal emptiness were once blissful, they are now punctuated by periods of incredible psychological pain, the origins of which escape my understanding. Heat in my head, restless limbs, moments of nameless terror in my solar-plexus: a sense of looming madness, promising to overcome me completely. Somehow I always remain intact, even if I feel like an illusion. I suppose that I prefer to be a joyful illusion, rather than a horrified one (haha). I find that I feel more on the “crazy” side when I go too long without chiropractic adjustmentâ€"there is a sense of tension, or energetic congestion in my neck. Perhaps I should start getting these adjustments on a more frequent basis. But I’ve tried several interventions: increasing grounding and mixing up techniques (i.e. sitting against trees, dumping overload, etc.), to little avail. The only thing that seems to help is writing things out like this.

I don’t know. Maybe it’s just a chemical balance, or some form of genetic destiny (as if psychological disturbance can be reduced to such simple terms). But the fact that there’s heat and the symptoms change from day to day: this tells me that kundalini is involved, working through something heavy. Deep issues. Stepping aside has been difficult. I remember just wanting to give up this whole awakening process; that I didn’t know what I was getting into, or that madness is the ultimate end of a fool like me playing with the occult. Getting in over my head.  Last night I prayed, emphatically, begging for mercyâ€"for something. Today there were small glimmers of hope, moments of serenity.

The fact is that this awakeningâ€"it just happened. Maybe I did ask for it on some level, but it’s all been in Goddess hands all along. It's always been coherent: the way I was led to information to understand what was happening, the way it all unfoldedâ€"but where did that guidance go? I feel so alone now. There’s this part of me that through all of this feels increasingly humbled, like the best thing for me to do is to keep my head down and just let the energy work me. If I go nuts, I go nutsâ€"right? The life of the mind is important and pleasurable to me, and attempting to maximize my mental stamina has proven a major point of resistance. But if Goddess wants to take that, there’s nothing I can do about it. Maybe if I can muster up the faith to give it up, She’ll give it back better.

Anyway, I’m in a lighter, more joyous space now. In fact, I’m actually laughing. But this is hard sometimesâ€"very hard. I get the sense that I just need to learn to relax and let things beâ€"to give up. To really give up, from a space of true sincerity. What a relief it is.

Well, this turned around fast. I felt inspired to start using the violet flame 2x daily, and this seems to be working very well. How did I get so banged up? My intuition now is different than what I thought while I was in it.

I won’t get into it here, but I think it was a serious boundary issue, and I ended up tangled up with someone. I suspect that if I keep doing the clearing and get back on my feet with the grounding, my field will become increasingly edified and this boundary issueâ€"this habitual manner through which I mismanaged energyâ€"will slowly improve. This experience was useful for learning, but I feel myself already moving into lighter realities. It’s not a space that I’m eager to return to. I do not want to get that far out into the weeds again.

With the violet flame twice daily, plus those field-clearing affirmations from Yvette on k-teacher, I’d say I’ve had about 60% improvement in two days. Thank goodness.

Many variables to isolate here. I also seem to have developed new chemical and environmental sensitivities. I can no longer eat chocolate or drink coffee due to resulting sensory changes and bodily reaction which suggests intolerance or allergy. I think I've had a tendency to grossly underestimate the power of this spiritual process to being about physical changes in my body and metabolism. I've grown increasingly sensitive on all fronts--relational, spiritual, emotional, physical, and it kind of sneaked up on me.

 You are awesome.

  So cool how posting to tearoom gives insights even if teacher waits to respond? Sometimes the waiting is quite deliberate. People are more empowered if they can sort themselves out.  Bravo!

  There is a zen story.

  A seeker comes to the house of a Guru, and at the guru's feet a man is struggling screaming wrestling with something invisible. The seeker asks the Guru, why he does not help the man instead of watching him suffer? The Guru responds explaining that the man is fighting his own inner demons and if the guru bailed him out, he would never discover his own power, to conquer them himself.

  Guidance seemed to take a hike too eh?  Our first game: peek a boo. Mothers face appears, the child laughs. Her face is hidden, the child cries. We get older we realize Her face was always there, only hidden sometimes.  The long dark night. It is still there but clearing the power chakra is something you have to do on your own, to become genuinely empowered. Feels like you are alone, like the solid floor has dropped out from under you and you are lost.
   You are not lost, but following a path written in your genes, by Goddess.

  The power chakra and the third eye open together, the power chakra holds issues of control, free will and Divine will and it is also the dimensional level of the astral: the realm of dreams, ghosts, spirits and old gods. All the old deeply embedded control issues and the fear that drives them rises up, and the third eye gives you the senses to be aware. Fear of death, fear of insanity, experiencing spirits and beings. Some places call it the Zen Madness and the zen advice is, the demons lose all their power if you can laugh at them. You are not experiencing demons, yay, they do not exist anyway. The astral has a lot of "angels in demon suits" and its all about your choices, trusting to Goddess, to the power of Love, the power of gratitude, being offered opportunities to make those choices, clear that karma. Letting go of the illusion of control. Free will stripped to essentials: the choice to love or fear. Nothing to fight for, or about. Surrender.

  Above the gates of Hell is written "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here." Sage advice: hope turns inside out and shows its shadow side: fear of the future and a desire to control outcomes. Takes you out of the moment, there is only here and now.
  Fear and control. Both are illusion. Truth is in love, acceptance, surrender. Trust.

  Yes the power chakra is all about boundaries. Last of the duality chakras, counting up from the root. Where you can cast a circle or house spell to keep spirits out, (astral level magic) that is invisible to the physical level. The ego represents the illusion of separation, the shadow is what you think you are not. Ego resisting its own death and dissolution.  You are All that Is, including all those formidable Gods, they are your reflection.

  Next chakra up, realm of the heart, has the entire universe inside it. No separation. Grail quest. Shadow work: love and acceptance.

  I don't write much about it in FST because not everyone experiences it: most people do not, and cracking that door by accident is why I strongly recommend students avoid LSD or shrooms. Most of what is written about it is by people who did too many drugs and got stuck there for years, feeling insane.  Scaring people into having expectations that cause them to create that for themselves is not a win. I prepare people with the tools they need to make it through, if it does come up for them, while never suggesting that it might, and it usually doesn't.

  You are right, when it rises from kundalini,  it tends to be in those with something witchy in the genes.  If it is in you, FST is paced so it isn't triggered until about 2/3 of the way along so you have the tools to succeed in "Chapel Perilous." Grounding, surrender, trust in love, trust in Goddess, stay in the moment. For shamans it is much worse and sometimes lasts years because we have to learn about everybody's stuff not just our own, to be wiser healers.

  The way out, is through to the other side. Do not try to predict how you will be changed, such thoughts are born of fear. Whats on the other side is not comprehensible but wonderfully awesome... but don't focus on that or invest in the hope. Have to stay focused on the here and now. Goddess has it handled.

  Power chakra and stomach are connected eh? So sometimes it is affected, stress makes ulcers too.  Get some genuine manuka honey and take a half teaspoon before you go to sleep, and whenever your stomach is upset, preventative. Not surprising you have become sensitive to caffeine, adderall: stimulants make tension. Tension is fear.  Dairy is gently sedative: milk and cheese.

  A single shot of vodka is an effective muscle relaxant. The second shot makes you a bit giggly, the third shot it turns depressive so stop at two or less, and drink plenty of water and vitamin c for the detox. I like white cranberry juice and green apple vodka, watered down with lots of ice melting. Someone at a party once observed, my drink has the hangover cure built in. Yup. Alcohol in small amounts is not bad for you and vodka is very pure compared to wine or whiskey.
 
The digestive sensitivity, probably isn't permanent but be gentle with yourself and remember "this too, shall pass." It is just another kundalini phase and you are doing great!


https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chapel_perilous (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chapel_perilous)
http://www.teemingbrain.com/2012/08/13/initiation-by-nightmare-cosmic-horror-and-chapel-perilous/
http://www.lisamharrison.com/pdf/Robert%20Anton%20Wilson%20-%20Cosmic%20Trigger.pdf (http://www.lisamharrison.com/pdf/Robert%20Anton%20Wilson%20-%20Cosmic%20Trigger.pdf)

Mystress,

Thank you for the thorough and extraordinarily insightful response; it has proven very comforting and the links have been informative over the past few weeks. I’ve been much more centered over the past week or two, and guidance has returned. It seems to suggest tensions/fears in the body were a big part of the problem, along with over excitation of my nervous system from slipping into a bit of a "trying to have my cake and eat it too" sort of lifestyle. Overdoing it. I suppose this whole thing has created the imperative of surrender for someone prone to creative forms of resistance. I’ve been studying the pacing lesson a lot lately, and I think that this chaotic territory I ended up in was the result of jumping way ahead of myself in many ways. I blew myself open in ways that were on the very edge of my ability to integrate. The prescription now seems to be a sort of radical non-resistance.

Precipitating factor may have been my somewhat zealous use of psychedelics over the course of several months last year. I was never the type to take interest in such things, but they seemed to find me and they did prove beneficial for a while. Spiritual growth spurt. They always seemed like ego disintegrating medicines. The first trip was surrounded by so much synchronicity that it felt ordained, but then ego wanted more. More beautiful experiences. As it turned out, I was playing roulette in ways I did not understand. The final trip blew something open: five hours of hell, tormented by an abusive bearded-leprechaun-type entity and traversing realms resembling something like Tim Burton’s darkest imaginings. Determining whether this was an encounter with my own shadow or some archetypal representation of it seemed like a moot point.

It was after that experience that the panic attacks started, and the process evolved from there. It took me a while to realize I had blown something open; initially, I assumed that the phenomena would simply pass with time. While the phenomenology changed, the intensity did not. Interestingly, that was also when the digestive upsets began, corresponding with the power chakra. Every so often the experience takes on the nature of a confrontation with fear itself: the fear of losing control; losing myself; losing my mind, or my grip on reality. And I have all of these habits of reacting to the fear, thereby reinforcing it. The initial confrontation with fear was in that trip, and instead of choosing love I clenched up; now, it keeps coming up in pieces for me to make a different choice: to love or be terrified.  I don't think I realized just how challenging of an experience it was, and how much love, acceptance and patience would be needed for healing. Looking back, I'm amazed I got through it.

In all likelihood, I will never touch the stuff again. I tried getting into micro-dosing for a while because it seemed to lubricate my thinking and made me feel sharper and better with words for days afterward, but even that became too destabilizing. I guess it falls under the category of freewill-based magick. Kundalini is enough intensity.

Seeing with my third eye and smelling energies have proven to be a sharp upgrade to old abilities. For example, if I work with colors now I can smell their energies quite strongly. My aura has really been lighting up since I started the daily cleansing regimen. So. Much. Light. And big. The light floods my mind’s eye at night. Falling asleep the other night, it felt like a wiser part of me (Unconscious?) made some kind of “executive decision” and I felt a shaft of light open from my solar-plexus to my throat. The "executive decisions" have been happening for years, usually as I'm falling asleep, and I always enjoy them. The psychic upgrades are cool, but I definitely prefer looking at and feeling energy fields of white and violet light, rather than realms of dark imaginings and a corresponding cornucopia of diverse spirits. So many. By all means the astral feels nearly infinite in its own right, and roaming through it, confused, made me feel very small: Small, alone, and separated from Goddess.

Goddess threw me a bit of a line recently though, when a download-bubble of information went off in my head: “Can you tell me where Goddess is not?” Fitted to the contextâ€"the darkness and sense of lonely separation from that warm divinity I had grown accustomed to and taken for grantedâ€"it nearly brought me to tears. I laughed though, because if I point to anyone or anything: She is there. Always. Whatever my opinion or judgement is. I’ve spent several days in and out of states of nearly unbearable compassion, and this sense of bittersweet sadness in the face of the human condition and how poignantly beautiful it all is. One moment springs to mind where I was sitting in the car, looking at the golden sunlight filtering through the trees and feeling like I literally loved everyone, and that the depth of my heart knew no limits.

But even roaming in the chaos and confusion of Chapel Perilous, “Can you tell me where Goddess is not?” I just can’t do it. She’s everywhere. Every thought; everything. Even the confusion; the deities; the abusive leprechaun. It’s like, armed with that mantra, I just can’t be deceived by appearances anymore. Well, it seems natural to be deceived: but the choice is always there to see the divinity. I did a whole lotta surrendering earlier and feel really clear and tranquil right now. The "degrees of reality" thing is really cool, and how different things look depending on how much I'm carrying. That’s one big thing that comes to mind: letting go of trying to have a say in whoever is going to show up when I’ve surrendered everything.

Anyway, what a journey: Miraculous, good and utterly beautiful, just the way it is. I don’t think I’m done roaming through this territory yet, but I’m taking heart that there is Grace on the other side. Radical non-resistance: letting go of expectations and control.

It would appear I need to feed my power chakra more with gratitude. Makes perfect sense considering my lousy posture and poor self-confidence over the years. Unconscious has been sort of taking over the past few days, inspiring spontaneous energy work. She’s a much smarter energy worker than I ever was. I’m just going to keep documenting the process here when moved to because I find all of this so fascinating.

Had a dream a few night ago about Mystress giving me some kind of lesson about the chakras by a running river. I was telling her something about the empathy I was feeling under my ribs. I don't remember much more about it. I recently had the realization while driving that it was my fear of going insane that was driving me insane. Since letting that go I've felt a lot lighter in many ways. Recently I've been living alone for the first time in many years and one thing I immediately noticed was that I felt much better. It makes me suspect that a lot of the stuff I thought was karma was actually ambient empathy. I was living with my sister for the greater part of a year, and when things started picking up for me energetically it seemed to start driving her a bit crazy, too, pushing on issues and making her feel like "life was fucking with her" (rapid external manifestation of beliefs). If this is empathy, then it must have a relationship with how I manage my energies.

This much valued "alone time" has made me reflect on the empathic issue and contemplate how to best remedy it. It may be a bit selfish in some sense that I really prefer to keep to myself, be away from people and focus on my work. But if I do so for too long I tend to float away into abstraction. I think all of this, in some synchronistic way, points to the solar-plexus issue of boundaries and perhaps some unexamined, sub-liminal projections on my part. I need to develop ways of building the habit of internalizing energy. The affect of my energy on people around me has grown to almost video-game-like proportions, and the synchronicity and deja-vu stuff feels a lot like the Donnie Darko movie. All of this, coupled with the "fear of going crazy driving myself crazy" tells me that the only thing I need to "get a grip" on is my own energy, and directing it responsibly.

  Huh. Cool.

  I do not like to "out" people. I do not like to project stuff that I am uncertain of. Sometimes, need and imperative over rides my preferences. So awkward, sorry.

There is something I have been wondering about you, for a while.
Guess my wondering turned into a dreamwalk, the imperative got more urgent...?
The river is your central channel. I will tell a story about what *might* be going on near your power chakra. Why we maybe got together for some training about that.

"There is no such thing as a problem, without a gift for you in its hands. You seek problems because you need their gifts." - Richard Bach. Kinda sums up your dream. This was all a bit too freaky maybe, so you forgot it and only remember fear of crazy stopping you.

  There is a post I have been wanting to write, for quite some time, perhaps it will be of interest?

http://fire-serpent.com/tearoom/index.php/topic,1609.msg (http://fire-serpent.com/tearoom/index.php/topic,1609.msg)

Mystress,

Few things are awkward to me anymore. At this point, all I really care about is establishing balance and peace of mind. The vampire thing makes sense to the extent that the empathy I’ve dealt with for most of my life has felt “excessive” and even as a boy, I got extraordinarily overwhelmed being around people. The sense of dread in my solar-plexus has been there all my life, before I awakened as far as I can tell. I always thought it was just an anxiety disorder.

A few years ago I may have been like “a vampire, what?” But at this point, I just want to be whatever I was designed to be, serve however I’m supposed to serve, and find equanimity. Regardless, sorting out this solar plexus situation feels important, and perhaps there may be more to it in my case than I realized.

This makes a lot of sense; I just tried looking for the vortex and giving it permission to eat and got a nice warm glow and positive affirmation. If I'm understanding correctly, it seems to be a powerhouse karma eater? I'll keep exploring this and see what comes of it. I have a hunch that this will prove to be a big breakthrough in terms of the chronic empathic overwhelm.

    Excessive empathy from early childhood is the biggest clue for a psi vamp, along with the solar plexus pain.  The complaint that makes me look for a vortex in people.

  Powerhouse is an understatement!  The devour and transmute capacity of the vortexes is astonishing and unprecedented in my experience.

The more you give the vortex consent to eat (transmute) stuff the sooner the chronic empathic overwhelm ends. It is an instinctive hunger desire to take energy karma off people, that is in your DNA but not knowing how to digest/transmute  it.

  If you have more questions about your v self, can you post them to the other thread? I am not going to make a FST lesson about vampires, I have another website for that but would like to keep the info for students consolidated to that thread. TY!

 

Think I finally understand that dream. Especially the stream. Deep, deep clearing session. Strong demons, heavy weightâ€"pure fearâ€"sent upwards.

For the longest time I wondered why I felt like I was struggling so much with the content of this course. Deep down, I felt that there was more going on with me than I realized, or that there were other variables involved that were complicating things: but what? The karmic congestion had been going on for so long that I had become accustomed to it in many ways. I thought it was normal and that I simply couldn't deal with it. But the tendency to poke and prod others for an emotional response mystified me. Over the years it calcified into depression, but the numbness at least allowed me to operate in the world at say, 50% capacity, sleepwalking my way through life.

It’s always when I’m at my wits end that I finally sit down and truly turn within. I tuned into the portal in my solar-plexus: What do you really like to eat? The answer was unequivocal: Tragedy.
Why don’t you just start eating all of this shit? I’m fucking miserable. I've had enough and I can't go on living like this.
I didn’t think you loved me, it responded.
I do love you. So much.

All of these years absorbing human grief, misery and tragedy and not knowing what to do with it: It’s no wonder I was depressed, anxious and beginning to peer into the world of the psychotic. My memories of my greatest happiness were all from my childhood. My perceptual lens was clear; it felt like I “got it” so much more back then. Why had I grown so troubled over the years? When all the strange astral-type paranormal stuff started over the past year I was utterly terrified at the thought of being a shaman; but in my intuition, this did not feel like the case. Still, there was something about me that I was missing. What was it?

The vortex itself feels like an excitable puppyâ€"very, very childlike. I invited it to feast on all of the tragedy surrounding me at work. The empathy from working in a mental health agency was escalating my condition to new levels of “crazy,” and I knew the vortex was my only hope for relief. I notice with many of my schizophrenic clients that “crazy” has a vibe. I know it when I feel it because I’ve been there: Chaos. Not being able to make sense of anything. I notice my own thought-patterns starting to go “off the rails” and associations loosening after spending time counseling my schizophrenic clients: until I feed it all to the vortex. Briefly, it becomes this sort of bubbly, manic-type energy but I find myself left with increased silence: new levels of emptiness. It feels so good to laugh again, with greater depth than before.

When I pop my head out at new altitudes there is this underlying sense of “Woah, this is far out; I need to adjust to this.” It feels sort of like floating on a balloon with fresh helium; like there’s little if any narrative gravity tying me down. I’ll become flooded with memories of the person I wasâ€"whatever it wasâ€"feeling as though it was all just a strange dream that somebody else had. There are moments where none of it feels realâ€"the people that I love: my mother, my siblings. The young man that I wasâ€"he was never very happy, anyway. He never appreciated what he had. He rarely appreciated anything. Tragedy. Yummy.

Then I get these people that start spilling their stuff out to me in long-form monologues. Everyone I meet seems caught up in one thing or anotherâ€"some kind of story-line. I guess I do the same thing, oftentimes.

All of these different aspects of me have differing angles, but they all essentially say the same thing. I asked my heart voice this morning what to do about some persisting psychotic-type thinking that seems to be accompanied by a headache and neck tension.
First thing it says: You’re mine. Big surge of joy and love. Second thing it says: Love, let go. Surrender: Very simple and straight to the point. It still mystifies me why some stuff clears so much easier than other stuff, suffice it to say that I feel like I’m getting back on the right track, provided that I tune into my guidance and do the work on a daily basis.

With the vortex clearing the onslaught of karma and metabolizing it into joy, I feel like I’m getting into a better spot to resume progress with the course. This whole time I felt like whatever it was I was “dealing with” was an impediment: but I suppose it really was a blessing in disguise. Between the vortex guide and the heart voice, I think I'm in good hands now.

I'm happy for your new found success, Fifth.  :)

 :) Thank you, Sigmund.

Quote from: TheFifth on Jul 07, 2018, 02:51:01 PM
It’s always when I’m at my wits end that I finally sit down and truly turn within. I tuned into the portal in my solar-plexus: What do you really like to eat? The answer was unequivocal: Tragedy.
Why don’t you just start eating all of this shit? I’m fucking miserable. I've had enough and I can't go on living like this.
I didn’t think you loved me, it responded.
I do love you. So much.

 Eaters of grief. Original purpose.
Love for your new best friend for life, your perfect wingman. Mr Jones.

Quote from: TheFifth on Jul 07, 2018, 02:51:01 PM
The vortex itself feels like an excitable puppyâ€"very, very childlike.

 Shaman guides first preschool dream forms are some of the oldest cave paintings. Older than prehistory, older than the first soot smudges on a rock. Millennia of evolution, refinement. They have no emotions of their own, they only reflect the shaman. No desires, but are driven by imperatives like respect for free will.  (with some loopholes for random acts of kindness.) They are always the opposite gender of the body, because they are part of the unconscious mind, like the Divine Beloved. Where the DB is light, the shaman guide is more like if your invisible shadow self showed up and took form to reveal all that is in shadow. It is also connected to the veil between the conscious and unconscious mind, which is also the portal between life and death. The Death gate, shaman portal. Not a vortex shape, and parked just under the heart.

  Interesting isn't it, how placement affects purpose and design. The heart is the first of the non-dual chakras, and the shaman portal just below it, opens into death, shadow, hell, underworld... bardo stuff. The realm where duality is most sharply defined, where karma is revealed for release. Park rangers for hell, rescuing the lost hikers and leading them out.

  Vampire vortexes, for sang and psi, are at the power chakra and connect directly to non-duality. The power chakra is the last of the duality based chakras and it is all about free will and boundaries. It is almost like the destination of the portal is opposite to the chakra it is closest to.  Yet we are both, Goddess mercy on legs. (or wheels!) Agents of merciful evolution. The guides do most of the work, our job is to keep using our godlike power of free will to say YES to what Goddess wants. Only living human beings have that power.

 Vortexes, attained self awareness in the 50s. So young! They don't seem to care about names or gender or form but will adopt them if you prefer. They just don't see themselves as being something separate. They are part of the body and its instincts, evolved.
 They are young, but wise. They feel childlike because of their innocence, their joy and wonder at life, the freshness of their responses, the sound of the voice. Important to remember, they are not children. Their apparent emotional reactions are genuine because they cannot lie, but at the same time, calculated to get a specific response.

  (I sometimes wonder if, in some forgotten dreamwalk I designed the perfect friend/wingman/pet dragon that would be irresistible to vampires, just as I tracked down the vamp candy vibe.  Just as I modded my dakini to be enable her to relate to regular folks before I turned her loose in secondlife. They were all watching...  Fascinating for me to see where the template they took off me, and my dakini mods, appears in interactions. )

  I admire their incredible economy of words, the shaman guide is like that too. Few words but layers of meaning, once you learn to decode it.  Vampires tend to be quicker to learn the riddle language of ascension guides than shamans do, the vampire guide is not encumbered by an imperative to reflect back the karma of the person it is part of.  Their words always have layers of meaning though,  you learn to set aside face value to take a deeper look. The words and the deeper implications of the words.

 Like this little interchange, its words "I didn’t think you loved me" sounds like an insecure child, and it is a beautiful bonding moment with your guide.
Set that impression aside and zoom in on the next layer, see the awesome quantum being at work. Examine the words, the language and the hidden meaning, what is implied. The nature of the speaker, quantum.

A quantum being has a very different relationship with time but the words are specifically referencing the past, your past with it. It did not say "I do not think you love me", it used a past tense.  If that were a line plucked from a script for a romantic comedy, or a family drama, you would immediately know there is a back story behind it. Linked to it like train cars behind an engine. The backstory for this one, is your story.

  The inference,  is the obvious question WHY? Why did it feel unloved, in the past? That answer is the same as all the karma stuff you just asked it to take: the history of your troubled relationship with your vampire nature.

 Just as I learned to encode energy, shaktipat of information into words of FST lessons, it has encoded all the karma you asked it to take, into those few words. The evidence you did not love it, is the whole movie all of your life's difficulty with your nature and appetites.  It is taking the blame/responsibility for all the pain being a vampire has caused you, all your life. Every painful moment, every suicidal impulse, every rash hungry act that ended badly. In doing so, it takes ownership of that karma.

  The power was further enhanced by you making it a life and death issue, "I can't go on living like this." Survival level stuff invokes its protective imperatives, respect for free will gets more wiggle room, when it comes to saving your life.

 Karma, power and responsibility are intertwined, they follow each other. Blame is a karma transfer by projection. Accepting blame in order to take karma is a trick I know well. I recognise it, they learned it from me- the teacher template.  Never seen it executed so skillfully, a whole new level from my clumsy efforts.

  (that guy just stole all your shit!) (https://me.me/i/that-guy-just-stole-all-your-shit-2334407) Your meme lol.
It still needs your consent to transform it.

  Your consent: "I do love you. So much. "  Love is a quantum energy, it can easily be sent through time and space. You just applied contradiction to the whole package of the past history, agreeing that there was love where it seemed not to be, in the past. For a quantum being, eternity is here and now so the love of now is always. Your expressed love for it, is retroactive. You have always loved it, and that gives it wider consent to re-interpret the memories that held that past karma.

 Your request was a bit vague. It needed somewhat more precise consent. Between your request and its response, it traced all the sources of your pain: mostly related to all the bad experiences that came of not understanding your vampire self, collated them into a folder labeled "Reasons why you did not love me" and showed it to you, on an unconscious level: your unconscious mind understood the implications more clearly than I can express, and did not move you to express any resistance. When you responded to pour love all over it, it went all over the folder it was holding too... giving love to where you thought there was none. Giving it consent to fix all of it, to take all the old pain and put your love on it. Where did you think Goddess was not? Look back in memory, find the love was always there. It always has been. You never were alone.  

As you noticed before, memories of past events change when new insights are added. The actual memories of events may be the same but the meaning of them changes and that changes the whole experience, heals the scars, revises them as 'not traumatic.'

   Those memories will likely be transformed by a feeling that you were not alone, a feeling that some thing indefinable has got your back, a guardian angel on your shoulder. It always was true. It is true for everyone, Goddess is always there... but we the oddballs, have an extra presence that relates specifically to the genetic gift. Friend for life.
The feeling of being alone and helpless, is the biggest factor in whether a difficult event will become a trauma scar memory.

 Edit:  Am adding a bit of a left turn here, to illustrate that factor:
  For some years I was puzzled why some students told me they had felt the energy of my presence, long before they heard of me or knew my name. In one case, with an older student, I would have been three years old.

Then I factored in the time travel, diamond body effect. Quantum. The dates of their feeling my presence, I matched up with events they had previously told me about, as their most traumatic or harsh memories.  It is not unusual, when someone describes a memory, for me to be getting the movie too. From a place of selfless listening, getting the telepathy of the images in their mind seen through their eyes. 
  I realized what I was actually doing, was time and space travelling to be with them in that moment when the memories first formed. Physics, the observer changes what is observed. They were not alone, I was there with them and so the trauma of alone-ness did not happen. Instead, they remembered feeling my presence.
  I was a bit shocked, like what kind of brainwashing? Stealing their memories?? So I tried to give them back, reminding them of what they had told me. They remembered, when I told them, but without the traumatic associations, those details of the memory held no importance for them. The only notable thing about the event, was me being there. There was no evidence of harm, the memories of the actual events, were not taken only cleansed.  The recipients preferred the revised version, probably it could not have happened without their consent on some level. They were better off without the trauma. I accepted it as an unusually powerful PTSD treatment, and would love to include it in the Sock Puppets book but I think maybe only someone with quantum ability can do it.

  All the same bag, in the revised memories, you are not alone so the trauma imprint does not occur. 

  Sending love back through time to comfort their child self, is something anyone can do. Vortex is more laser at it because it is quantum time space traveller and not constrained by having a linear mind. Regular folks have a bigger tendency to get caught up in the trauma of the memories so there is a technique to send your higher self back in time to comfort the child you were.
  (I always thought my technique for re-parenting your inner child with your higher self, was part of FST, but reviewing the lessons, it is not there  and now I am wondering, where did I publish it?)

  It has been a part of you all your life.  When you were a child, it was mature and wise as it always has been. Just because the vortex guide was not allowed to reveal itself, does not mean it was unable to influence you. So long as it respected your free will, and its existence remained unconscious. It got you here, didn't it? To the only person in the world who could introduce you to what you have.
  I bet, at some point in your life, you wondered if there was anyone to guide you through the mess. Where did the thought to wonder, come from? Even if it was a prompting from the vortex, ego still got a vote about whether that was a cool idea or a bad one... that was consent.

 Remember when you were getting the movies, with all the new insights, you thought those thoughts were your own? You wondered why you did not see it before. Ego was incapable of seeing it, those thoughts came from the vortex filling you in. That is how it has communicated with you in the past, giving you ideas that you thought were your own... and they were, because the vortex is part of you... but it is an independent consciousness too, and wiser than ego could ever be.

Yeah, you could say the vortex totally played you, but it did not lie, your unconscious mind could read the fine print (and so could I, as soon as I looked for the back story) even if your conscious self is still learning to.  It did exactly what was in your highest good and necessary for it to accomplish what you had asked of it, and did it so seamlessly, perfectly...
 If you focus on its child like nature you will not see the hidden layers of its genius. Respect.

Trying to review your whole past history of thought to work out what thoughts actually were the vortex is crazy making and a waste of time. Let it go and trust you will be shown, in time, if it was important.

 The last 26+ paragraphs were incredibly difficult to write, took days, with me passing out about 6 times to get better clarity and select new words, returning to edit later. Trying to encode the nature, behavior and language of a quantum being, into my words... To summarize:
 - Not a child, just feels like one because of its joyous nature and its purity.
 - To really understand its layered language, you have to set aside its child like first impression, and examine its words and consider where they are coming from: an immensely intelligent quantum being whose mind is not linear like our consciousness.
 - Clear example of its tremendous ability to get consent for what it needs to take, to make you or someone else, more whole.  
 - Consent, can be retroactive. It is not too late, to have a happy childhood.

Quote from: TheFifth on Jul 07, 2018, 02:51:01 PM
I notice my own thought-patterns starting to go “off the rails” and associations loosening after spending time counseling my schizophrenic clients: until I feed it all to the vortex. Briefly, it becomes this sort of bubbly, manic-type energy but I find myself left with increased silence: new levels of emptiness. It feels so good to laugh again, with greater depth than before.

Shaman trick: The guide tells me, when I am crazy from empathy with crazy. Useful info! Can immediately take steps to get back into balance, and postpone making important decisions until after you are sane again. Prevents guru psychosis.
 There is benefit, to giving credit where it is due. The thoughts, awareness of being out of balance, did that come from you or from your vortex? Can ego know when it is insane?  Giving it love and gratitude, thanking it for all that it does, enhances your relationship with it. Be humble and honour its wisdom appearing in your mind.

Quote from: TheFifth on Jul 07, 2018, 02:51:01 PM
When I pop my head out at new altitudes there is this underlying sense of “Woah, this is far out; I need to adjust to this.” It feels sort of like floating on a balloon with fresh helium; like there’s little if any narrative gravity tying me down. I’ll become flooded with memories of the person I wasâ€"whatever it wasâ€"feeling as though it was all just a strange dream that somebody else had. There are moments where none of it feels realâ€"the people that I love: my mother, my siblings. The young man that I wasâ€"he was never very happy, anyway. He never appreciated what he had. He rarely appreciated anything. Tragedy. Yummy.

 The dreamlike feeling, and the remoteness of ego memories is normal for ascension, and for all kinds of memories whose karma, emotional content has been cleared. Ego lives in a world of illusions. Its got all its BS... "Basic stories" about who it thinks you are, how it thinks things are. Most of it, wrong because ego is made of fear and fear is illusion too.  

Quote from: TheFifth on Jul 07, 2018, 02:51:01 PM
Then I get these people that start spilling their stuff out to me in long-form monologues. Everyone I meet seems caught up in one thing or anotherâ€"some kind of story-line. I guess I do the same thing, oftentimes.

Meals on wheels eh? Vortex is bringing donors to you. On an unconscious or higher self level they cut a deal with your vortex, snacks for insights. Their conscious mind has no clue why they are moved to tell you all that, but its laying snacks at your feet. You just accept it, let the vortex do its thing while you listen for a few moments.

Don't be too surprised if they do not recall anything about the conversation, next time you meet. It was eaten and is gone from them, it only exists in your memory of them telling. Funny thing, only the time traveller, remembers how the past used to be different, and the info is completely useless because with the change, the remembered events never happened. 

Quote from: TheFifth on Jul 07, 2018, 02:51:01 PMsuffice it to say that I feel like I’m getting back on the right track, provided that I tune into my guidance and do the work on a daily basis.

Vamp symbol is the Egyptian ankh, the symbol of life. Get a very simple ring with an ankh on it and wear it to remind yourself many times a day, that you are vampire and to feed the vortex. Something comfortable and discreet like this one black-and-gold-ankh-ring/ (https://thatankhlife.com/product/black-and-gold-ankh-ring/)
or
sterling-silver-ankh-ring/ (http://zeppomerch.com/jewelry-catalog/rings/sterling-silver-w-o-stones/sterling-silver-ankh-ring/)

Do not get one like this: sterling-silver-egyptian-cross-ankh-ring (https://www.edricjewelry.com/products/ankh-ring-925-sterling-silver-egyptian-cross-ankh-ring) because rings with bits that stick out, are always catching on things and you will get frustrated and stop wearing it.  

Quote from: TheFifth on Jul 07, 2018, 02:51:01 PMI think I'm in good hands now.

I think so too, you are doing great!

Wow, what timing. This was all just what I needed. So grateful to be here, for all of this. Thank you so much.

I’m getting the impression that a lot of the troubling stuff, the “weirdness” is basically a sign of my ego being taken apart, a process that seems like it’s been underway for a while now, only I didn’t really appreciate it because I was fixated on the fear. I mean, I came here looking for this, but when things really started moving it was certainly a reality-check.

There’s this gradual erosion of desire, roughly speaking, in terms of personal volition. For much of my life I wanted to be a writer in some capacity, but now words themselves feel so arbitrary. Words, words, words. Ideas often used to blossom in my mindâ€"truly interesting, almost genius-level ideasâ€"but it never really felt like it was me. The ideas possessed me, but at times of their own choosing. It’s funny because when it comes over me when writing for school it mindfucks my professors, then they try and marshal, or mold me into some ideal that they hold, only to realize that I’m quite ordinary compared to what they thought I was from my writing.

I guess that’s what I feel likeâ€"an ordinary person with extraordinary forces at work in my life. In hindsight I can see that it was always looking out for me. I always thought it was my higher self, or something of that nature. My ego has always been incredibly stupid in comparison; it always felt like my ego far transcended others in terms of stupidity. But there was something far wiser at work that suggested there was more going on than the dumb storyline the ego was caught up in: there was something else running parallel with the narrative on the surface.

Anyway, deeper into the unknown I go. De-construction. I’ve been becoming increasingly aware of some part of me operating on different levels, feeling like some mixture of daydream and Deja vu, but accompanied by tangible learning and insights. Falling asleep the other night, I had a vision of this beautiful, nearly transparent entity with several sets of eyes resembling something that the artist Alex Grey would paint. I can still feel its power and peaceful presence thinking about it, felt a lot like earth-crystal energy. I know that getting hung up on such events is likely superfluous fixation in the greater scheme of things, but I suppose I’ve always been a wide-eyed mystic-type.

 You are being deconstructed, but what is being taken apart is a false self. Egos, fears, desires, all baggage too heavy to bring with you to ascension. The old book says, God set an angel with a fiery sword to guard the gates of Eden, that only those who are without fear may pass. Ego is made of fears.

Best not to try to guess or project forward, who you will be on the other side. Putting shackles on your future self. You are in a process of becoming, ever more fully, your true and unique self. You have to let go of everything you think you know. You can only hold to a few, cosmic laws like Goddess is All and the power of love, surrender, grounding, acceptance. Flowing. The riddles of non-duality: in becoming nothing, you become All that Is.

  Ego, had a purpose, starting with toilet training and all through the stages of socialization and civilization. Many indigenous cultures have coming of age rituals that kill off the child ego at puberty. In the realm of spirit, age 13 is adult. For most North American ones, the kids stuff was all burned they are told their child self is dead and gone, and they were sent off into the woods alone and nameless nothing, until they got a vision of their new name. You can imagine, under such circumstances their unconscious mind gives them what they need, to save their life! So they can go home. Their new sense of self, comes from within them, not from any external influence telling them who to be. The difference with ascension is, we remain nothing, to become whatever Goddess needs us to be, in the moment.

  Inspirations... I doubt I could tell you, what parts of FST were channeled from Goddess and what came from my Shaman guide. I just take dictation, feel for the resonance. The heart speaks too.
   If I analyzed it all very carefully, maybe I could track some of what came of the specialization of the guides.
   The heart cannot condemn nor criticize. You might be about to jump off a cliff in bedsheet wings and the harshest warning you might get is a calm little voice asking if you are sure you want to do that? That is why the heart voice cannot be the ascension guide, cannot call us on our BS, only be silent and acknowledge truths. The heart, the inner guru can help become self realized but not ascended. The shaman guide can mock me mercilessly if I were to consider doing something very stupid. Being able to show you where your ego got it wrong is the essential quality required of an ascension guide... and most types of guides cant do it. The Divine Beloved can, if surrender is deep enough that it has consent to contradict.
   Mostly, discernment through the power chakra, the belly brain guides. Vortex started giving you the movies as soon as it had consent, even if you consented in a dream. You were receptive. :)

   The old Gods cant do it either, Hecate and Lilith and Sekhmet and the others the vampires choose. They have to reflect your beliefs about them, be respectful of whatever BS your ego wants to believe, although supporting it can be optional, they wont bend too far from their archetype. Wiccans don't ascend. No free will based paths do, they do not even mention it. Only a path of deep surrender, and then we are carried the last bit.

   Free Will is Goddess law, that is why we have to use our free will to surrender our free will, to progress on the path of Divine Will. Goddess is the Muse, the source of all creativity. Personal volition? Don't need it, Goddess inspiration keeps me busy enough, with cooler stuff than my monkey brain could come up with. A good artist is slave to the Muse. Right now, you are in the process of letting all go to become that blank slate.

  Shaman guide, DB, Vortex, Heart voice, they all work in alignment with Goddess will for you. She is always primary, but in the guides She has extra voices, specialists for those dimensions. 

Falling asleep the other night, I had a vision of this beautiful, nearly transparent entity with several sets of eyes resembling something that the artist Alex Grey would paint. I can still feel its power and peaceful presence thinking about it, felt a lot like earth-crystal energy. I know that getting hung up on such events is likely superfluous fixation in the greater scheme of things, but I suppose I’ve always been a wide-eyed mystic-type.

  Yeah, for most of awakening, that sort of weirdness is just outgoing karma noise, phenomena best surrendered.

  but, here? At the rocketship pace you are on, Goddess and guide are just not going to waste your time introducing you to someone who does not matter, especially if they smell like earth heart energy. It is by the will of the planetary consciousness that I am doing the v work.

  Remember, you have a team. Ask your DB about it, ask your heart, your vortex.

  Curious, guest teachers and helpful VIP visitors are normal for shamans but not at all typical for vampires. Could be a kundalini thing too. I had wondered if my dakini might visit you but I have not known her to take that form. Speculating... look inward and you will know.

Interestingâ€"right before I even opened this page I was already pondering some of the stuff you discussed here. Namely, I was wondering about the relationship between the divine beloved and the vortex. From the lessons, I came to understand the ascension process as one of dissolving into the divine beloved through deep surrender, roughly speaking. Last night, talking to the vortex, I had this sense on some level that it’s the vortex I’m dissolving into; then again, this may just be a semantic issue that won’t matter later on. I do get the sense that there are certain core “monkey wrenches” blocking my digestion, and I feel compelled to unearth and surrender these things.

The erosion of volition is actually kind of nice. I wanted for so long to be of service to the world in some way and to live a creative life; I had a laundry-list of things I wanted to accomplish. The other day I got the overwhelming impression that I can be of better service by becoming transparent and acting as a sort of “instrument” of the divine, transcending the game of “service” completely. I suppose there have been “level-specific” truths through this process and through all the terrain I’ve moved through: truths pertinent to wherever I am at the time, but which eventually reveal their limitation. All that stuff I wanted to accomplish no longer feels relevant. My brain itself feels like it’s going into a much more intuitive mode in the sense that my already weak “left brain” is going through periods of temporary disability. The thing is, I just don’t find myself concerned about it. All that stuff seemed so important at the time. 

Waves of childhood and adolescent memories continueâ€"stuff on its way out? I’ve been flooded with old issues I thought I buried in adolescence; in fact, I feel like I’m recapitulating the chaos of my adolescence in some ways. Strangely enough, my libido has ramped up remarkably (it was absent for the past decade or soâ€"depression?); but this increase feels more k-related in the sense that I’ve also become overrun with psychodynamic energies and material surrounding, again, the events of childhood and adolescence. The benefit now, of course, is that I’m stronger, wiser, and have the ability to kick into observer-mode if the need arises. I ask the vortex why it doesn’t just take it all, but I get the impression that it’s moving at a rate I can handle, and that it can’t quite take it all yet because it would be a shock, lol. When the vortex takes something, it takes a *large* chunk. My approach has been to surrender stuff to the vortex using the same technique laid out in the course: I just offer it as a snack.

I just don’t find myself too concerned anymore about whatever will be on the other side of this. The rate-of-progress really is remarkable. It’s funny because for the longest time, I thought my grounding and surrendering wasn’t working. I’d surrender a huge chunkâ€"whether through burning, violet flame or whateverâ€"and within a few days I’d be right back to where I was. The realization that I was accumulating karma from everywhere around me makes so much sense. I just want to get to the point where the vortex handles it on autopilot: Big improvements so far, but not quite there yet.

Whatever the being was, it was female with definite earth-heart energy and peace radiating from it. My description of it is anything but vivid because the memory is starting to fade. When I ask about it all I get back silence and earth-heart energy.

Interestingâ€"I feel better when I let the vortex snack on others karma than when I try and get it to work on me. Imperative to feed? There’s certainly no shortage of bitterness, resentment, fear and what have you around me for it to feed on, lol. For some reason these things make me laugh now, seem less heavy than they were before.

 Last night, talking to the vortex, I had this sense on some level that it’s the vortex I’m dissolving into; then again, this may just be a semantic issue that won’t matter later on.

  Yeah its accurate. The vortex is eating your ego, that is your sense of you. The usual kundalini thing would be to give it all to Goddess, but it is Her agent. Specialist. The vortexes know all about Goddess will for them, and you. It knows why it got an upgrade from blind instinct to quantum self aware guide. Vortex wormhole leads to non duality, Goddess is in non duality, so its an "all roads lead to Rome" sort of thing.

I ask the vortex why it doesn’t just take it all, but I get the impression that it’s moving at a rate I can handle, and that it can’t quite take it all yet because it would be a shock, lol.

  Yeah that's really true. The speed of processing for ascension via the vortex is like nothing I have seen before. It makes Shamans hell road look like a slow boat to china. You can trust stuff is moving at a pace you can handle, maxed. There is no benefit in pushing harder, getting overloaded by more than you can process. It is quantum but we still have a linear mind, we can only focus on one memory at a time, plus free will. So it has to run the memory movies, get your consent for all the bits, and it takes time.

I’d surrender a huge chunkâ€"whether through burning, violet flame or whateverâ€"and within a few days I’d be right back to where I was. The realization that I was accumulating karma from everywhere around me makes so much sense.

Surrender works, but stuff often has layers. If you look more closely at the stuff that comes up on repeat, you will notice its not exactly the same, it is another layer. Even what was other people's stuff, would not stick the same unless it was getting caught on resonant stuff in you. You are not wrong, but it is healthier to take ownership of it all. Cannot surrender what you do not own. 

Yeah I’ve been getting the sense that I’m in this position where I have this vortex that draws karma consentually released from others in my vicinity, which then kind of builds up behind my own blockages like a dam. Hence, I think it may actually prove useful in the sense that it highlights my own issues. Interestingly, I think the way I’ve been trying to get the vortex to take everything has in itself been a sneaky sort of resistanceâ€"lack of trust, faith. Just need to trust the process and where I am.

Wow you weren't kidding about the vortex being sentient and quantum. In many ways, it feels like all circumstances are putting me in a position where I have no choice but to "cry uncle" and give up the fight, let go of all this stuff. Emotional pain and borderline insanity are powerful motivators. Had another chat with it last night, trying to figure out where I'm still in resistance, what prior decisions are still in effect, limiting its ability to eat freely. There seems to be few substitutes for the sincerity which comes from that place of crucifixion, as I've come to call it.
"Crucifixion is yummy," it said.
When I went on complaining about the chronic exhaustion being a karmic shit eater with a digestive problem causes me it said, "exhaustion is edible," with a somewhat humorous undertone.

I honestly don't think I ever would have been able to live a normal life, even if I had wanted to. It just wasn't in the cards for me. I feel like I'm being funneled in a direction and I can either move along joyously or resist in ways I can't even immediately identify, and suffer incredibly. I wish it was as simple as just saying, "I rescind it all right now" and have the vortex sort it all out. Again, that "I-really-mean-it" sincerity of making it a life or death issue seems to be the most powerful way of bringing this change about.

Some of the stuff it tells me is reality-bending beyond words (or would be highly challenging to convey in words). The time-hopping or whatever it does is out of this world. I honestly don't know what is going to be left of me on the other side of this; this whole career track that I'm on, all of this stuff--I just don't know if the new guy is going to care for any of it. Then I think, who will take care of me, watch out for me? I feel like everything is coming to a head, that my attempts at "holding everything together" have been noble and admirable but no longer applicable. If I was losing my mind I think it would have happened by now--it's been threatening to occur for almost a year now. It's just that it feels like reality itself is going to swallow me up; or, in fact, is swallowing me up.

Anyway, don't know where I'm going with this, or with anything, really. I suppose all I can do is surrender it all. 

Hmm, another breakthrough here. During the work week, considering the environment that I'm in, the karma magnetism leaves me obliterated by Thursday. I'm very fortunate to have a three day weekend for re-balancing. Cool, balanced state now; but in the past there has always been a point in the week where the balance shifts and I slip into resistance. I'm going to try working on my mindfulness muscles this week and see if I can maintain grounding, clarity and equanimity.

I don't know how the vampire thing fits into this anymore, other than the karma magnetism: this feels more like general energy hygiene. Feel like I'm walking a much narrower thread now. Energies/vibration is higher than I think I realized. Great care required.

 karma consensually released from others in my vicinity, which then kind of builds up behind my own blockages like a dam.
 
Yeah that is my life lol. Not the vortex but ascension. All the stuff coming down in 2012, cPTSD reactivated, and the big river and the incoming karma. Crashed so hard for a year before even realizing, and still recovering from it!

  For me its bigger issues with people who won't let the stuff go. All the other stuff gets backed up behind it, yes I call it a log jam.
  Beavers build dams in a very organized way but thousands of giant logs being sent down a river to the mill are chaotic and if one gets snagged others get stuck behind it randomly.  Chaos Jenga with cylinders that float, and roll in unexpected ways. The river is your central channel. The upward flow of Kundalini.

  I live in an area where forestry has been big for too long lol (Canadian forests on their way to China.) (https://www.google.com/maps/search/log+booms+on+the+Fraser+river+public+domain/@49.219964,-122.8785634,1277m/data=!3m1!1e3)
Back in the day there was a job called burling and it was so lethal it was banned. Guys with spiked boots and long barbed poles would walk out into the log jam to release it. Sometimes getting caught in an avalanche of giant wet logs weighing thousands of pounds each... crushed. Miss a step and fall in the water, get trapped beneath and drowned.
  It still happens, with the log booms on the Fraser river. People do not realize how wickedly dangerous the floating logs are and go play on them.

  The log jams are the most dangerous part of being ascended and Goddess gets it right giving vampires an immortal burler to clear them.

 Here is a canadian treasure (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4JUDBJkeFNY): apparently, burlers were light on their feet and very good dancers. The opening footage is the only film know to exist of the men at the work, to help visualize a logjam being untangled. Riding a huge log down the river like its a surfboard! 

  There is a curious effect, when you have no ego, the incoming karma stuff can coalesce into a new ego that's not you, you are someone's reflection. In a fleeting way, it happens all the time: you take on karma to process it, the information of it has to be given back. You have become a vessel of the information. It is a something in the nothing so for a moment you become that.

   Same if you attach to anything. Grow a new ego around it and not notice.  The karma bits can take time to get embedded like that, the vortex will handle most of it and let you know where your consent is needed. My Shaman guide used to execute me in a vision occasionally, if I grew an ego. These days more likely just push me through my own death gate. Vortex is much gentler.

  I am moved to explain: if someone offers to do an ego death ritual, run away fast. Ego death is something that happens naturally once the karma is purified. Trying to rush it makes a mess. You end up with an ego that believes it is enlightened, and is blinded to how the karma remaining in the body still controls them. A newly born ego is as impressionable as a baby ducking that God/parents on the first "big thing" it sees,..  so ego death is popular with cult leaders who want to kill your identity  and make a robot slave. The new ego tends to be kind of one-dimensional, like how a "born again" Christian doesn't want to talk about anything else.

  So even though you are getting amazing assistance, max pace that you can handle, there are really no shortcuts to the very thorough karma cleansing. Just ride it out, for sure an interesting trip! What you are learning, about the flow of letting go, is how to stay ascended. Purifying the karma of the body, erodes the ego slowly enough to allow your mind to adjust to new ways of being.

  I have often said, only another shaman can understand what goes on in a shaman's mind. Only the people I have mentored through their Shaman training by spirit, really get the truth of it as their mind and perceptions are changed in ways they could not imagine. Vampires and Shamans are kin and its amazing for me to read your experiences.

The time travel, never gets old.
   Recently I did a session, lasted 2.45 hours. I thought I told the client 6pm, but I actually said 3:pm. His session started at 3:pm anyway.  He was coming to me with a problem of excessive extreme kriyas.  I remember, at some earlier point, thinking, if he was flopping around like a fish with kriyas he would not be able to type.  So, he would not be.  I got a gut sense of agreement (from something??) and did not give it another thought until after the session.
  He spent the whole time, 2.45 hours having intense ones of various types, knowing it was me working on him,  until 15min before I contacted him at 6pm.  By the end of the session it was clear to both of us that most of the kriyas caused by my work on him, had been neatly backdated by exactly three hours so that he would be able to stay focused and type. I  had been taking a nap at the time, refreshing myself for the session.  When I thought about it later, it was clear that I had not done it twice, once in sleep.  I had been in both places at once during the session though I was scarcely aware of it.  Three if you include my own body. A few other places for stuff we worked on, I guess.  For him it seemed time travelled but "I" did not go anywhere, being quantum and potentially, already everywhere at once. For me the session was a singular experience that felt like it had some layers to it. That's pretty normal on my end.

  Ascension, is binary.
  Nonduality, nothing and infinite.
  Duality. The somethings that are finite in time and space.

   Zero and one. Ascended, you are zero. Take on karma, or attach to something, now there is a something not a nothing, eh?  Descend back into duality.
  I think of it as "Home" and "Work." There is no karma, in non-duality. Everything is perfect as it is, it is all Goddess.  Nothing to fix, nothing to snack on, no problems to solve. Float along following inspiration. Zen Master stuff.
  Shamans and vampires are service industry, we have work to do and its wired in to us to need to do it to preserve our own well being.

Just need to trust the process and where I am.

  Yup. Just flow with it.

There is definitely a pattern here where I clear out massive amounts of karma, prostrate myself in deep surrender and experience Grace for a few days to a week, then another log jam comes about. I was laughing the other day about how the stuff I'm doing for work is probably the last thing most overwhelmed empaths would want to do, yet, here I am. Definitely feels like I'm being trained to transmute massive amounts of karma fast, very difficult work. I suppose on some level I was up for the challenge.

Sometimes I go into doubt, like, if I really was a vampire, wouldn't the suffering be over by now? All I know is that I go through periods approximating hell, prostrate myself and end up once more in incredible beauty, flow and Grace, then I feel it coming back again--another hell. The most recent period of Grace, I remember hoping this was "it"--that I had made that breakthrough and the worst was behind me. So much synchronicity lined up at once and it felt like Goddess winked at me when a satire I submitted to a writing contest actually placed--what? It made me realize that dreams really can come true and that intuition I have followed over the past year or two was actually correct. But my access to creativity--it only really feels present when I'm clear. When I'm bogged down and doing the whole crucifixion thing, inspiration vanishes.

QuoteThere is a curious effect, when you have no ego, the incoming karma stuff can coalesce into a new ego that's not you, you are someone's reflection. In a fleeting way, it happens all the time: you take on karma to process it, the information of it has to be given back. You have become a vessel of the information. It is a something in the nothing so for a moment you become that.

That has already happened to me a few times--acting in a weird manner that confirms whatever beliefs a person has about me. Romantic relationships have become incredibly tricky, and I recently realized I need to surrender the whole concept and trust the right person will come when the time is right, Goddess willing. I like having some semblance of a social life but I find that lately when I'm "dating" someone they become ignited with fire-like passion and attraction to me and, on some level, I feel like this is Goddess in them stirring. The whole concept of something like "kundalini" or "empathy" (let alone vampires) is so foreign to so many people, even to many ostensibly in the new age community, and for them to come under the influence of these energies at work in me feels disingenuous on some level--it's not like I could explain it: they wouldn't believe it. Anyhow, the strength of these reactions alone leaves my system shell shocked, even the pleasurable aspects leave me unsure of exactly where I end and they begin: what I want, as opposed to what they want.

Since there is a tendency for others' karma to stick to us, particularly when we have our own resonant issues, does that mean we should be more careful in choosing our "victims"? For instance, I think it's easier to clear karmic issues of others when they involve things that I've already been through. But I seem to be more prone to crashing when I open myself more broadly to taking on whatever goes by...

Interestingly enough, when I feel like people are being rude or inconsiderate, their karma seems to go down the easiest. It's as if on an ego/surface level I react to them with annoyance. But after I get over my annoyance and eat some of their karma that seems to bring us closer together somehow.

Quote from: glassa24 on Aug 08, 2018, 03:45:26 PM
Since there is a tendency for others' karma to stick to us, particularly when we have our own resonant issues, does that mean we should be more careful in choosing our "victims"? For instance, I think it's easier to clear karmic issues of others when they involve things that I've already been through. But I seem to be more prone to crashing when I open myself more broadly to taking on whatever goes by...

  ok, so much wrong with that premise.
  They are not victims if they agreed to it and benefit. Call them donors, snacks, but not victims.
  If they are feeling victimized then you are not doing it right.
  You do not choose the donors, vortex does.
  It will not choose donors who poison you, ego does that.
  For sure, if you are taking on karma from people without their consent then you will get stuck because Goddess won't accept stolen property, and the vortex won't help with black magic. Black magic is defined by the absence of consent and carries additional karma weight.
  Being open is good.
  Taking stuff on... why? Are you Jesus?
  The vampires are not doing that. The vortex does the berry picking in the environment, and gets consent.

  The vampire reality is ... one of my vampires said today that there is a new imperative to remain open to all impressions incoming, without attaching to any of it, and especially not attaching to the emotional reaction to it. That is transparency. It all flows through and nothing sticks. Opening up to take everything, of course is going to crash and burn over and over.

  This all adds up to a  picture of what it would look like, if someone with an ego attachment to being a vampire, is trying to work with a vortex, that is imaginary. A sock puppet that reflects what ego thinks is right...  but is so not equipped with the right stuff to do the work of a real vortex. If you have a vortex, it would be quite pissed about what you have been getting up to in its name.

   What makes you think you are a vampire? Respond in a new thread of your own if you like. You can ask the vampires if you feel like kin to them. 

Quote from: glassa24 on Aug 08, 2018, 03:45:26 PM
Interestingly enough, when I feel like people are being rude or inconsiderate, their karma seems to go down the easiest. It's as if on an ego/surface level I react to them with annoyance. But after I get over my annoyance and eat some of their karma that seems to bring us closer together somehow.

In the other thread we talk about bad vampire behavior, pissing people off to feed on their spewing. Shaman technique too, but gentle listening... trigger and vamp. I advised projections can be eaten, if they are seen as a gift rather than aggression.  A clumsy way of donors unconsciously giving the karma to the guru.  It is tricky, some people don't want to give it up, they want to be validated. Especially if they are responding to being poked.  Sometimes pleading guilty to all crazy accusations is the best way to get them to let go their end of the rope. On a good day they will snap out of it once the karma is accepted and start apologizing for acting so crazy before.

  Karma vampire games mastery level is regular human potential but previously only taught to shamans and FST Lineage (the vortexes templated the trick!) Karma vamp judo, grab a projection and pull until its all gone from them so completely they don't even remember they had an issue.  Not taught because it has potential to be used manipulatively, and the consensuality is a bit borderline,  often the stuff cannot be surrendered and has to be processed the slow way, working through the emotions. Easy to get stuck. Not needed either because, FST rule is turn inward and change yourself instead.

Karma vampire games are not part of FST because they are related to healer training and FST is not healer training, or shaman training or vampire academy. It is a good all round mystery school education that is beneficial, foundation to all those, and other types of healers but it is set up an inward focused path for regular folks with kundalini. "What you see is yourself reflected."  Messing with people isn't part of FST training, "Road to hell of good intentions", is.  The discipline of personal responsibility and surrender. Feed by grounding.

  When I identify a shaman in FST, I tell them so, but I do not really start to mentor them until they graduate. The mentoring happens outside of FST. One of my rules for inclusion of FST content is accessibility. Only what anyone can learn to do, with patience and persistence. Stuff only shamans can do is not included.  What would be the point, but to show off, make people jealous, give them failure?  After a discovered shaman graduates, there is some revision.  I have some explaining to do about how the rules of respect for free will are different for the service industry born.

  Someone who is not, cannot get away with trying to do the same stuff. The rules of karma for regular folks are much stricter. The Divine Beloved operates with a different set of rules, different imperatives but it is still, a quantum being!

  Yes there are some workarounds but I am not going to share them here because FST is about the inward focus. "Change the world by changing inside of yourself" is central to FST.  It does not teach how to mess with people.

  Part of my concern about mixing vampires with FST... the appearance of conflicting messages.
  FST is: Don't mess with people. If you have an issue, it is your issue they reflect so you can resolve it within yourself. Self reliance and personal responsibility. Essential.

  For shamans and vampires: Messing with people is an imperative embedded in your DNA, the important thing is to learn how to do it right, which is mostly about letting the guides... Still about surrender.  The rules get some loopholes and but as you can see, the vampires still have to change inside of themselves first. The vortexes are using other peoples karma, consensually collected, as fuel for transforming and purifying the vampire.  For Shamans and vampires, the ascension guide is primary. I did not even meet my DB in my mirror until after I had fully accepted my shaman guide.

  FST is useful training for shamans and vampires, but shaman and vampire training does not really belong in FST.

   I appreciate the questions though. Helping me get 7 years of intensive research into words, is helping me to build the new vamp school. 

 

This might be a bit of a silly side question but I've been getting a ton of deja vu over the past few months. Intuitively I get the sense that it's a byproduct of being re-calibrated. But when it happens it really does feel like some kind of glitch in the matrix, or like I'm stepping outside of/observing the stream of time from some different angle. Of course, I suppose it could just be a literal brain glitch, or even karma releasing. Either way I usually just observe it with detachment and it passes. Nonetheless, it is an interesting phenomenon.

So I think the deal with me with surrendering is that I simply haven't been doing it enough. For the longest time, I had this staunch resistance in my body to even doing it, which I now recognize to be the very thing that needs to be surrendered most: ego grasping like life or death. It seems that 30 min sessions and I start getting somewhere with it. I guess I always thought 1, 2, or 3 expressions of surrender and the blockages should be gone; considering how buried I've been over the years, that was kind of a silly expectation. More excuses, resistance in disguise. With intense repetition, momentum of intention seems to build. There are certainly numerous pieces and angles to these blockages.

What I've gotten back has been clear enough: lack of congruence and energy discipline has sharper and faster feedback now. I did manage to blow myself open a year or so ago and the shreds of ego that remain have been reeking havoc. Basically, there is no going back and it's time to get with the program. In some ways, I'm playing catch up.

It makes sense that the remaining incongruence and karmic blockages would catch the incoming karma from around me. Having less sticking-points can only help, going into the future. If I commit to a routine like this, it feels like progress will be rapid. It's like I can feel it just in the distance.

Back to work...

Interesting, keep getting led back to the vortex and revising the past. Certainly seems primary and clears out a lot of stuff fast when I get it right.

 TheFifth wrote: But when it happens it really does feel like some kind of glitch in the matrix, or like I'm stepping outside of/observing the stream of time from some different angle.

  Time and space do not really exist and you are becoming quantum. We still have a linear mind, one thought at a time, experiencing one place and time.

  Linear mind: space and time and travel. Wormholes.
  Quantum mind: I am all that is and I just tune in on the part of myself that is already  there and then.
  Linear mind experiencing being quantum feels like glitches in the matrix.

So I think the deal with me with surrendering is that I simply haven't been doing it enough.

  lol yes. When you wrote: There is definitely a pattern here where I clear out massive amounts of karma, prostrate myself in deep surrender and experience Grace for a few days to a week, then another log jam comes about.  

  I thought, well if that is what makes you feel better why not do it more? Prostrate yourself 5x a day like Moslem prayer instead of waiting for the logjam to build up. 

   I am physically in muslim prayer position, mentally at the feet of the Shaman guide, begging for mercy if I get really stuck. Putting myself into a submissive pose and mind set empowers him to do more.  Sometimes he whips out a sword and cuts off my head! Immediately I become nothing but a spark of consciousness observing, sometimes I have watched as the body is incinerated or decays to dust. 

  A few years ago I wrote about working too hard and crashing into burnout, my energy went flatline for 3 months. Some people congratulated me on my recovery and I did not explain, there was no recovery, I died of it. Three months my energy totally turned inward doing repairs but there was no repairing the self sacrificing identity that landed me there, its purpose was completed. Once the body had recovered, it was executed and reborn tougher.

  That is mercy, for a shaman, ego death does not affect us the same, does not come from ego motives. Shamans guides start executing ego when we are toddlers, so instead of growing a mostly impenetrable veil like a normal ego the process is continually interrupted in fatal nightmares, shredded and never allowed to close completely.  We don't get a "duckling" effect, we are reborn in the fiery crystal heart of the planet to be as Goddess wills.

With intense repetition, momentum of intention seems to build.

  Yes, the more you practice at it the better you get. The more you practice, the less of it there is, getting in the way. 

  Momentum, like a roller coaster or snow slide. Hard slow climb to the top and then you kind of hit a tipping point, where you are more surrendered than not and the guide is more empowered, the ride gets faster and more fun with less effort.

  It is like learning to get, and stay grounded. The more time you spend practicing the grounding and letting go of what ungrounds you, the easier it gets to stay grounded. Repeated practice until it becomes ingrained like a reflex, gives stability when the tougher shadow stuff starts to rise.  FST is paced, like that. Your discipline of surrender is the same as the rest of FST except it is to the vortex primarily, but while all this cleansing is going on you are also developing your relationship with it. How to relate to it, how it responds to things, what works.

  Technically, the guides are our slaves. There is an improv game called "Clever slave, stupid master" so I know how that comedy act works out! That dynamic is always present because we have the free will, the God-power. Or as one shaman's guide said to her "Yes you have free will, and sometimes you are stupid enough to use it!" Monkey flying the rocket ship...

  Regarding dreams and plans. Our most deeply cherished dreams and desires, come from Goddess inspiration in the first place and She does give them back better than you could have imagined, when the time is right.

  My first satori-nirvana experience was in grade 6 after reading Jonathan Livingston Seagull. It was so resonant, the bird was a misfit like me but it was because he was spiritually gifted, and he becomes an ascension teacher. It was not so much wanting to be him when I grew up, so much as a recognition of the truth of myself.  I let it go, forgot about it, pursued a variety of careers from hair styling to sales to performance to commercial art... before destiny had its way and I became an ascension teacher with big white wings... :)   

It's funny -- for the longest time I felt like my grounding wasn't working or that I was doing something wrong but the other day I realized that grounding is what has been keeping me sane, lol. Through all of the craziness I've always kept that center, and even a sense of humor, as difficult as it has been at times.

Not sure if this belongs here or VMA or both.

Over the years, so much of the learning on this path has taken place in the reality-sandbox of everyday life.  Yesterday, fed up once more with chronic exhaustion and a general sense aimlessness, I decided to once more talk with my vortex in yet another attempt to get to the bottom of what has been troubling me. I stopped trying to tell it what to do, or to control the outcome in any way whatsoever. Literally, there was no more fight left in me. Grace seemed to be the reward. There was immediate release of something I had been unconsciously resisting for weeksâ€"I had only to examine it and see the Unity, rather than the fear, the separation.

Today, following some kind of whim, I went to a local cemetery, burial site of my grandfather with whom I share the same birthday. I figured that, as an eater of grief, I might as well go to the epicenterâ€"the very heart of grief itself. I walked around the cemetery, feeling the still wisdom of death all around me, the somber reminder of the fleeting quality of life that makes it so precious. I looked down at the tombstones, gaining years of perspective in seconds. I waded through the landscape of flat tombstones, sprinkled with towering flowers of various colors until I reached the highpoint overlooking it all. I invited the vortex to feed, and feed it did.

I looked out over the landscape for a timeless moment, feeling the boy inside me who had visited the site countless times in the past, oblivious to its hidden treasure. I had read about how grief can taste like candy to vampires, and that’s exactly the flavor it took. It was one of those moments where everything seems to come full circle.

Even now, hours later, I can feel my body using the energy to heal. I feel like I have been deprived for so long, in ways I couldn't understand, looking for such candy in all the wrong places. Over the past few days, I have felt some uncanny sensation of my ancestors guiding me, reaching out to me. I recall moments picking up photos of my own deceased father, only to be reminded that it was his birthday. All of it may just be some elaborate metaphor for where I am in the present, and how everything is connectedâ€"it probably is.

I don’t know what the lesson is here. There is a sense of such tranquil humility that comes over me when I make peace with death, which itself doesn’t even feel entirely real anymore: at least, not as the boogeyman most people project onto it. Why is it so illuminating; why does it yield so much wisdom, lend so much vibrancy? There is this soft golden light that seeps through, reminiscent of light filtering through church windows. Hallowed. But it comes from some untraceable source, neither within nor without. Either within or without. At this point, all I really want is peace of mind. I’ve been so exhausted for so long. To this end, this may be a major breakthrough, a temporary peak-experience, or both; nonetheless, I feel that I have taken a step in the right direction; or, at least, I have come one step closer.

Rocket ship feels like it has definitely launched.

Last night my guide told me that my ego trying to run the show has been like Danny Devito trying to dribble a basketball. It was hilarious at the time and there's really no way I could have possibly drawn such a brilliant and concise way of putting it. It feels like I have a Zen master inside of me using humor to teach.

There is a sense of such tranquil humility that comes over me when I make peace with death, which itself doesn’t even feel entirely real anymore: at least, not as the boogeyman most people project onto it. Why is it so illuminating; why does it yield so much wisdom, lend so much vibrancy? There is this soft golden light that seeps through, reminiscent of light filtering through church windows. Hallowed. But it comes from some untraceable source, neither within nor without. Either within or without. At this point, all I really want is peace of mind. I’ve been so exhausted for so long.

Ahh the Golden light! You made it! Avalon! (Applauds!)

At some point in the cemetery, when you made peace with death, the Gates of Avalon opened and you stepped through.  The journey is done, you are out of the woods. This is the place of healing, rest and respite before you take the last, effortless step into non duality. Where you recover from the difficult journey and come to a wider understanding of your path through the Abyss. Relax and enjoy your time there.

  It is not a place you go to, or something to find by looking, but a place you find yourself, when the journey is done. Historians argue for centuries about a physical location for it, with no conclusions because it is in a different dimension. A way station, beautiful rest hospital/spa along the road to Ascension.

  I named it that my first visit, in the 90s. So beautiful place! 
  I have not encountered a description of it in any mystic books so was inspired to name it myself, as I do with some things... Yet I know, it is right.

  It is a very specific dimension, like the antechamber to non-duality. Distinctly recognizable with the soft golden light subtly gilding everything, the peace and healing and a sense of it all coming together... the debriefing.  It is a place to rest and recover after the difficult journey, isle of healing and tombs of heroes who are immortal. All the Shamans I have mentored through Hell road have experienced it, usually lasts a week or more. Chill, rest, enjoy it. I love it there.

  It is like taking a spa day before your wedding, to be at your best- rested, refreshed and perfectly groomed for the big event. The next transition is effortless, when you are fully recovered and debriefed, it will flow automatically. The golden light fades to be replaced with the clear light the Buddhists speak of, and you have arrived. Ascended.

  You made it! I am so happy for you.

  Here is some mythology of Avalon for your enjoyment.

https://mythology.net/others/concepts/avalon/ (https://mythology.net/others/concepts/avalon/)
http://www.faena.com/aleph/articles/avalon-a-place-between-mythology-and-the-utopia-of-a-lost-kingdom/ (http://www.faena.com/aleph/articles/avalon-a-place-between-mythology-and-the-utopia-of-a-lost-kingdom/)
http://d.lib.rochester.edu/camelot/theme/avalon     (http://d.lib.rochester.edu/camelot/theme/avalon)

There was/is certainly a feeling of immense peace. Central channel still feels like it's on fire, though. I'll just keep surrendering. Just this growing lack of concern with things -- don't know what will remain of me on the other side but not too worried about it. Consciousness has this sense of diffuseness in the sense that I recall meeting some people over the weekend and getting this sense of whatever "reality tunnel" they were in.

Will keep surrendering, this is encouraging.

I feel so close to walking away from everything, but I don’t know what that looks like, or if it’s even necessary, or possible, or if there’s a plan for me on the other side.

I suppose that I’m coming to terms with the fact that I’m trying to keep the wagon on the road in this productivity-crazed culture, but the very act of doing so feels like it inevitably causes resistance/stress on  this taxed body and I honestly don’t know how I’m going to strike a balance. I’ve learned over the years that Spirit seems it could not care less about matters of money or material success, the expectations of my family or society, which alone has never been important to me. I don’t know. The work I do with the mental health and substance abuse counselingâ€"it feels meaningful, rewarding, and I’m told I’m exceptionally good at it (empathy is my biggest strength and potential point of vulnerability). The paperwork, the bureaucracy, the “productivity” expectations of the agencyâ€"none of these things feel sustainable over long term. Burnout and/or hitting the breaking-point feels inevitable.

Living the life of a reclusive artist has always been that elusive dream. More and more, it feels like an inevitability. I suppose there’s some lingering thread of pride that keeps me pushing forward with what I’m doing, soldiering through everything in pursuit of this “career” (the idea of a “career” means absolutely nothing to me in comparison with the work itself). It’s a bit of a miracle I’ve gotten this far, honestly, going from that reclusive, scatter-brained child with chronic fatigue syndrome to the verge of getting this master’s. One of my professors always calls his brain “Jimmy,” having studied neuroscience and learning that the brain is milliseconds ahead of us. My “Jimmy” has always been good with learning and weaving together jargon, making connections, having moments of insightâ€"I’ve gotten a lot of mileage off of it, despite this stoned haze I seem to always be in.

I don’t know. I’ve been flattened pretty good over the past few days, feel pretty surrendered right now, craziness and emotions converted into scrambled brains and migraine. The things I’ve got going on, there are no models for it in the culture. People like me aren’t sanctioned in the Western world.  I just don’t know how much longer I can keep up the veneer. I have no clue what the alternative would be, other than everything falling apart and having to go on disability assistance.

I don’t know. I tend to be pragmatic and I’m not complaining. There’s just…incongruence, and I don’t quite know where/what the points of pressure are. I’m pretty consistent and deliberate with decisions and I’m not the type to be rash. But if I’m funneled by circumstance in certain directions, it’s not like I have much, if any choice in the matter.

I surrender all of this, gently.

Guidance how been pretty adamant about nudging me to write up and explore this topic, and it has been very particular in its silent, subtle wisdom about pointing me to do it here. The question: Do I love myself? For the longest time my reflexive answer was, Of course! Of course I love myself. I've been my own best friend for as long as I can remember.

Then I look closer. I get more precise. I notice the flinching resistance I get in my body almost every time I ground, the way I often reject myself before other people get a chance to, beating them to the punch. It's always been this strange dichotomy between blissing out on my own but not feeling worthy of other people's kindness and affection.

Do I love myself? Yes and no. And it's the 'no' part that begs further examination. It's sharp in the stomach muscles, a wordless sense of inherent badness and I have no idea where it came from. When I press on it, it is quick to defend itself, to dig in and hang on for dear life. Something tells me that this is it: the big blockage, what's been causing all this stuff to build up.

It's been shouting at me over all these years. I guess I was good at pretending it wasn't there, probably because it was clothed in dread itself. I'm so, so tired of going on with this burden, and necessity has pushed me to face it, directly, and give it love. Whatever its origins were, it served some purpose at the time that no longer serves me. The thought of casting this burden off brings such, such relief.

I don't know. I guess this is where I need to be right now, let this stuff just flow and surrender it all here as a gift to the Goddess. All-encompassing gratitude feels so powerful, and I've mustered the ability to conjure it on some occasions in the past. Working on getting better at doing so.

Quote from: TheFifth on Oct 12, 2018, 01:45:45 PM
I’ve learned over the years that Spirit seems it could not care less about matters of money or material success, the expectations of my family or society, which alone has never been important to me.

That is not quite true. The more closely you are living your purpose in Her service, the more easily you are provided for, sometimes from unexpected sources. Secret to money is not worrying about it. Try not to give energy to fear of scarcity but instead bless your bills as they come in, thanking Her in advance for taking care just as with surrender.

Quote from: TheFifth on Oct 12, 2018, 01:45:45 PM
I don’t know. The work I do with the mental health and substance abuse counselingâ€"it feels meaningful, rewarding, and I’m told I’m exceptionally good at it (empathy is my biggest strength and potential point of vulnerability).

Living the life of a reclusive artist has always been that elusive dream. More and more, it feels like an inevitability.

  Since the housing crash in the USA, increasing numbers of people are building themselves a tiny house, or renovating a van, trailer or rv, selling off everything and hitting the road, living minimalist. I like watching their youtube videos though I prefer a more settled life for myself. Some of them migrate from job to job and some are retired, but many work online somehow, paying the bills with a blog, videos, writing or some sort of art or consulting. Cell phone for wifi hotspot, plus web cafes, and off they go exploring the world.
  Professional house sitters who have no home but plenty of time to work on their blog or novel, people living in a school bus rent free in exchange for watching over a resort in the off season... the world is wide with alternative opportunities once you break out of the corporate mindset.
  Books like "the 4 hour work week" showing people how to run a small online business like an amazon store while living cheaply in Thailand or somewhere exotic.
  The trend is so popular, BBC shows about it are starting to show up on netflix, people converting boats, school buses and trailers into tiny homes after a divorce or mortgage troubles, or to flee brexit. 
 
 

Quote from: TheFifth on Oct 12, 2018, 01:45:45 PM
I suppose there’s some lingering thread of pride that keeps me pushing forward with what I’m doing, soldiering through everything in pursuit of this “career” (the idea of a “career” means absolutely nothing to me in comparison with the work itself). It’s a bit of a miracle I’ve gotten this far, honestly, going from that reclusive, scatter-brained child with chronic fatigue syndrome to the verge of getting this master’s.

  If you are close to getting a masters degree, then complete on that, especially if you have racked up a lot of student loan debt. You may want it later, when you are older or as credentials for freelance work.

Quote from: TheFifth on Oct 12, 2018, 01:45:45 PM
I don’t know. I’ve been flattened pretty good over the past few days, feel pretty surrendered right now, craziness and emotions converted into scrambled brains and migraine. The things I’ve got going on, there are no models for it in the culture. People like me aren’t sanctioned in the Western world.  I just don’t know how much longer I can keep up the veneer. I have no clue what the alternative would be, other than everything falling apart and having to go on disability assistance.

  I don't have a masters, or any real counselling  credentials but here I am advising people who have them, anyway, and with internet my client base is international. There is nothing stopping you from hanging out a shingle as an independent consultant. I bet your vortex can show you how to chew addictions right off people by clearing the issue they are using the addiction to hide from.

    I have seen this many times before, with kundalini people feeling the need to break free of their current lifestyle structures because they no longer value the average materialist lifestyle, and demands of spirit must come first.  Myself included. Typically the solution is to downsize, maybe relocate and find some sort of paying work that is unscheduled in that they can do it in their own time. Self employed, freelance or remotely.
   

Quote from: TheFifth on Oct 12, 2018, 01:45:45 PM
I don’t know. I tend to be pragmatic and I’m not complaining. There’s just…incongruence, and I don’t quite know where/what the points of pressure are. I’m pretty consistent and deliberate with decisions and I’m not the type to be rash. But if I’m funneled by circumstance in certain directions, it’s not like I have much, if any choice in the matter.

  Goddess economically blackmailed me into becoming a ProDom, but before that my ADD brain needed self employment or adjustable schedules like selling encyclopedias. Both, valuable experiences for my personal growth as leader and teacher.
In the early 90s I parlayed 1/2 a BFA into a IATSE permittee licence for doing props work in movies and TV. My longest job was two months on a teen drama series and it bought my first computer in 1996. My last job, I got a day call after I had been away from the work and more spiritually focused for some years... I had become ascended and felt really out of place,  a film set was not my world anymore. I sat down for lunch and an old chinese man asked to sit with me. I agreed, and he straight up asked me, what was I doing there? Telling me how I was not like the others. Totally validating exactly how I had been feeling all day, and sort of settled for me, that my place, where my talents and attainments led me = a spiritual teacher. 

  Ascended people, we don't really make choices for ourselves, we are led to where we need to be. There is also the flow, which is the best part.  We are provided for, in small and large things. Just have to open to it.

Quote from: TheFifth on Oct 24, 2018, 10:42:06 AM
It's sharp in the stomach muscles, a wordless sense of inherent badness and I have no idea where it came from. When I press on it, it is quick to defend itself, to dig in and hang on for dear life. ...

It's been shouting at me over all these years. I guess I was good at pretending it wasn't there, probably because it was clothed in dread itself. I'm so, so tired of going on with this burden, and necessity has pushed me to face it, directly, and give it love. Whatever its origins were, it served some purpose at the time that no longer serves me. The thought of casting this burden off brings such, such relief.

  You do realize you describe this thing as an aware and sentient part of yourself?

  People think of ego as a singular "I" but it seldom is. Especially close to ascension, the identity splinters come up to be integrated.   Vortexes do not see or comprehend identity splinters, and cannot help. I suspect they exist on a dimension the vortexes do not access. 

Sock puppets book is about this stuff, that's why you got poked to post here... Goddess poking me to get the book finished...  They can be resolved in minutes.

  Identity splinters do not respond to entity clearing because they are not foreign, they are part of you that got splintered off to do a job. They need to be addressed directly and told what to do.  Tell it what you are telling us, how you feel about it. Be sure to thank it for its past service and invite your DB to help it integrate with your core self again.

Thank you, Mystress, all of this speaks to me perfectly for where I'm at right now and a lot of this stuff I found myself contemplating in the car yesterday before even reading this, i.e. the personality splinters, though I didn't have that term to work with. It's felt like I've had these disparate personality fragments floating around in my consciousness for the past few months. At any point in time, one or the other comes to "possess" me in some way or another. While they are certainly shards of ego, they don't feel cohesive like they once did, as a part of a larger narrative-based sense of self. I feel as though I could almost sit down and write them each out, give them character descriptions and names. Every so often the insight hangs around that a lot of the "craziness" from before was just the unbridled insanity of ego undergoing sudden and rapid demolition.

So much of my personality seems to be influences from other people I've known over the years, traits from them that I picked up. Sometimes I wonder if that's a vampire trait? It's like I can feel the other person and what they're about and easily pick up the traits about them I most like. But then I wonder where "I" am underneath it all?

Something is happening the past few days. My beloved is "on the move" it feels like. I can feel her more and more radiating from every cell in my body. "Flow" has been occurring too, and the bliss that has been absent for the past eight months or so seems to be returning. There's a luminous quality to it, like I'm being overshadowed by a saint smiling down at me and I just find myself doing stuff, things working out better. But it's not just me--it's others, too. I first noticed it a few days ago when my mother shined, or the way me and my bandmates seem to suddenly be tapping into incredible inspiration and I just find myself practicing the music thing more, excited to wake up in the morning for the first time in many years.

Light seems to be coming back, and I'm so thankful.

I've been getting poked to keep doing the counseling thing, so continuing forward with that with faith and newfound confidence that it's all handled. My unconscious has encouraged me to get into music more too, which brings great joy and is something I've neglected for several years. My problem is I tend to have tunnel vision with my passions and a hard time balancing everything due to creative obsession. Everything seems to balance out automatically if I can remain grounded and surrendered and get into a state of pure action, which has been happening with greater frequency (can't seem to make it happen, just happens).

I guess I've been in this weird state of whiny ego and faltering faith in the fundamental goodness of the structure of reality, considering all of the suffering I see around me. "Job's syndome." I feel myself coming out of it though, gradually. I'm not sure how accurate of an impression this is, but I feel like the demons I've been wrestling with have been teachers in some ways, in the sense that when they start giving me beatings, it means I'm slipping into ego or resistance in some way. They feel like surrender enforcers.

What a road. When I first came here I felt so connected to the divine, so full of bliss, so connected with that wisdom and intuition. I had no idea how much was still ahead of me, how far I had yet to go and how many winding turns the path would take. I guess the shift in perspective is that I see perfection in the lows, as difficult as they were. I'm being shaped and chiseled into something I never would have imagined when I came here.

I've been on this treadmill for so long, the high and lows, adventurous and easily excitable, always wondering when I'll arrive at the conclusion of the journey. It compels me forward, sometimes gets me in over my head (lol) but it is certainly divine.

"I feel like the demons I've been wrestling with have been teachers in some ways, in the sense that when they start giving me beatings, it means I'm slipping into ego or resistance in some way. They feel like surrender enforcers."


Yep. The Latin word 'daemon' means guiding spirit. As Mystress has pointed out, Goddess use both carrot-on-stick and fear to keep us moving in the right direction. Carrot-on-stick to keep us motivated and move towards things She wants us to do and fear to run away from things that are not good for us.

Our inner demons are brutally honest about things we don't want to hear. The more we ignore our demons and their messages, the more ferocious and scarier they can be in order to get our attention. I am not saying that we should agree with our demons but we should listen without judgments. Listen to the concerns and fears of your demons. Your demons are actually your best friends because they never desert you and are always looking out for you. And their job is usually thankless. Most often we hate our demons despite the important lessons they have taught us about life. One of my favorite phrase is 'Have tea with your demons.' Next time your demons show you insights about your life, thank them for watching out for you.

"I guess the shift in perspective is that I see perfection in the lows, as difficult as they were. I'm being shaped and chiseled into something I never would have imagined when I came here."

Goddess is all and everything is as it should be. When we are grounded and in surrender, then it is possible to be an empty sky watching clouds pass by. Highs and lows may happen but we are always plugged in and sustained by the universal flow when we are grounded. Lows show us the depth of our own strength and the highs teach us to stay humble. FST guides us to see perfection in all that is. Happy for you :)

Actually...

As Mystress has pointed out, Goddess use both carrot-on-stick and fear to keep us moving in the right direction. Carrot-on-stick to keep us motivated and move towards things She wants us to do and fear to run away from things that are not good for us.

  I like to mix my metaphors, carrot *and* stick, lol. Carrot in front and stick beating your ass!

LOL... Thank you for the clarification Mystress.

"Have tea with your demons" -- that's a jewel, thank you. I might make a mantra out of that.

I wish there was a'like' button for Gopi's post, it's brilliant. I must remember to thank my demons periodically.

Not sure where I picked that one from... somewhere online or a friend.
There are lots of online memes on the theme of having tea with your demons.

https://pics.me.me/rise-what-do0-this-is-nice-its-time-for-a-24697219.png

https://theswoonsociety.files.wordpress.com/2015/07/have-your-cake-3.jpg

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Clplc0KWIAIfI4i.jpg

Seem to have made another breakthrough of sorts. I started dumping overload 5x daily just to see what it would do -- mainly because I had been wired to an almost manic degree over the course of a week or two, unable to sleep, mind lit up and overactive. Well, it turns out that this seems very beneficial for my system and has calmed it substantially. I've always been sort of frenetic and my system has always been excitable. In a psycho-spiritual sense, I've always felt like my body is a shakti-machine and sensitive to any spiritual practice to such a point that I learned I had to avoid them entirely.

Anyway, dumping the overload has helped me regain focus for so many areas of life and has helped me keep grounded for much longer periods. In many ways, it feels that dumping overload, grounding, surrendering and giving my vortex love have all been akin to (or, more likely, better than) an antidepressant. Karmic clearing is exponentially easier now that my body is relaxed. I feel I now know what most people around me feel like--what it's like to have motivation, energy to do things. I always honestly thought I was just natively a lazy slacker.

Anyway, I once again feel connected to Source, on track and no longer thrown into that dark uncertainty. The disconnection from bliss honestly felt like I was no longer awakened, or I had somehow failed or missed the mark.

Maybe somewhat of a tangent but I had this dream last night that felt like legitimate "contact" of sorts. They were very loving beings of a high vibration that looked like those Russian nesting dolls but they had huge third eyes that almost took up their entire foreheads. No idea what they were but I've seen them before.

Thank you for the update.

Quote"In many ways, it feels that dumping overload, grounding, surrendering and giving my vortex love have all been akin to (or, more likely, better than) an antidepressant. Karmic clearing is exponentially easier now that my body is relaxed. I feel I now know what most people around me feel like--what it's like to have motivation, energy to do things. I always honestly thought I was just natively a lazy slacker."

Good to hear this. I like to use the metaphor of peeling onions. Every time we let go of things, one more layer of ego peels through surrender, we may cry a little, and then continue to grow. Dumping overload and grounding regularly is very gentle on the body and yet incredibly powerful. As you say, you get 'plugged into the Source' and everything flows as Goddess wills. Humans are creatures of habit. 'We are what we repeatedly do'. So the more regularly you ground, the more it becomes your natural state of being.

I have always thought about myself as a lazy slacker. Recently, I started examining what I mean when I chide myself for being a slacker. So far, I have noticed two instances:
(1) I feel like a lazy slacker when I am not doing something that I think I 'should be doing' but don't want to for various reasons
(2) I feel like I am a lazy slacker when I am dreaming about what 'needs to be done' but also have no energy/motivation/discipline to do it.

In the first case, I have noticed for me there is always some sort of fear of success and some element of self-sabotaging. Most of it is learned out of helplessness as a child but now Goddess is bringing it up so that I can watch, learn, let it go, and grow.
In the second case, I have a streak of perfectionism (which is fear of failure) that my Guides help me keep in check. I have been taught to see perfection in everything as is - chop wood, carry water. My Guides also remind me that I do not see all the work that is happening. Just a tiny cog in the wheel but every cog is necessary for us to keep moving - Thy will be done. I can overwhelm and exhaust myself when I start believing that I need to know or be in control of everything.

One of my favorite discourse on surrender is by Mirra Alfassa (lovingly known as the Mother).

Quote"Work is a good discipline. But it is not this idea, it is not the idea of a passive, unconscious and almost involuntary submission. It is not that. It does not lie only in work.
The most important surrender is the surrender of your character, your way of being, so that it may change. If you do not surrender your very own nature, never will this nature change. It is this that is most important. You have certain ways of understanding, certain ways of reacting, certain ways of feeling, almost certain ways of progressing, and above all, a special way of looking at life and expecting from it certain things â€" well, it is this you must surrender. That is, if you truly want to receive the divine Light and transform yourself, it is your whole way of being you must offer â€" offer by opening it, making it as receptive as possible so that the divine Consciousness which sees how you ought to be, may act directly and change all these movements into movements more true, more in keeping with your real truth. This is infinitely more important than surrendering what one does. It is not what one does (what one does is very important, that’s evident) that is the most important thing but what one is. Whatever the activity, it is not quite the way of doing it but the state of consciousness in which it is done that is important. You may work, do disinterested work without any idea of personal profit, work for the joy of working, but if you are not at the same time ready to leave this work, to change the work or change the way of working, if you cling to your own way of working, your surrender is not complete. You must come to a point when everything is done because you feel within, very clearly, in a more and more imperious way, that it is this which must be done and in this particular way, and that you do it only because of that. You do not do it because of any habit, attachment or preference, nor even any conception, even a preference for the idea that it is the best thing to do â€" else your surrender is not total.
True surrender is to feel that one wants, one has, this complete inner adherence: you cannot do but that, that which you have been given to do, and what you have not been given to do you cannot do. But at another moment the work may change; at any moment it may be something else, if it is decided that it be something else. It is there that plasticity comes in. That makes a very great difference. It is well understood that those who work are told, “Yes, work, that is your way of surrendering”, but it is a beginning. This way has to be progressive."
(~ Mother Mirra Alfassa, Questions and Answers, 28 April 1951)

"The whole world is in a condition of strife, conflict, between the forces of truth and light wanting to manifest and the opposition of all that does not want to change, which represents in the past what is fixed, hardened and refuses to go. Naturally, each individual feels his own difficulties and is faced by the same obstacles.
There is only one way for you. It is a total, complete and unconditional surrender. What I mean by that is the giving up not only of your actions, work, ambitions, but also of all your feelings, in the sense that all that you do, all that you are, is exclusively for the Divine. So, you feel above the surrounding human reactions--not only above them but protected from them by the wall of the Divine's Grace. Once you have no more desires, no more attachments, once you have given up all necessity of receiving a reward from human beings, whoever they are--knowing that the only reward that is worth getting is the one that comes from the Supreme and that never fails--once you give up the attachment to all exterior beings and things, you at once feel in your heart this Presence, this Force, this Grace that is always with you.
And there is no other remedy. It's the only remedy, for everybody without exception. To all those who suffer, it is the same thing that has to be said: all suffering is the sign that the surrender is not total. Then, when you feel in you a "bang", like that, instead of saying, "Oh, this is bad" or "This circumstance is difficult," you say, "My surrender is not perfect." Then it's all right. And then you feel the Grace that helps you and leads you, and you go on. And one day you emerge into that peace that nothing can trouble. You answer to all the contrary forces, the contrary movements, the attacks, the misunderstandings, the bad wills, with the same smile that comes from full confidence in the Divine Grace. And that is the only way out, there is no other.

The Divine Presence is in you. It is in you. You look for it outside; look inside. It is in you. The Presence is there. You want the appreciation of others to get strength--you will never get it. The strength is in you. If you want, you can aspire for what seems to you the supreme goal, supreme light, supreme knowledge, supreme love. But it is in you--otherwise you would never be able to contact it. If you go deep enough inside you, you will find it there, like a flame that is always burning straight up.
And don't believe that it is so difficult to do. It is because the look is always turned outside that you don't feel the Presence. But if, instead of looking outside for support, you concentrate and you pray--inside, to the supreme knowledge--to know at each moment what is to be done, the way to do it, and if you give all you are, all you do in order to acquire perfection, you will feel that the support is there, always guiding, showing the way. And if there is a difficulty, then instead of wanting to fight, you hand it over, hand it over to the supreme wisdom to deal with it--to deal with all the bad wills, all the misunderstandings, all the bad reactions. If you surrender completely, it is no more your concern: it's the concern of the Supreme who takes it up and knows better than anybody else what is to be done. The only way out, only way out."
~ (Collected Works of The Mother, Volume 15, pp. 419-423)

Thank you Gopi,

I think that I definitely have the habit of "shoulding all over myself." I think that the darkness I was moving through over the past year was in many ways a case of layer-upon-layer coming up at a rate that seemed right on the cusp of my ability to psychologically process. My curiosity outran my development and I ended up blowing open some gates I never could have conceived of existing. I suppose on some level I was given what I was ready for and looking back the process makes me smile.

Most of all though, I get the sense that the impetus to surrender has been rising very rapidly, as in when or if I'm not in surrender, I feel it more intensely. Any incongruence feels radically consequential. Any blockages seem to become swarmed with empathy, which assists with highlighting but gives me the subjective sense, while I'm in it, of being locked in developmental stasis. When I really step back and gain perspective, though, the growth is clear.

There are so many dimensions to it. The other night I was in an elevator and one of my professors walked in and I could practically smell his depression. It filled the entire elevator. My vortex ate it and I was on cloud nine for a few hours. It makes me wonder if at least some of the aching solar-plexus, rather than an empathic dam, is actually hunger? It felt like the proximity in that case really mattered.

QuoteMost of all though, I get the sense that the impetus to surrender has been rising very rapidly, as in when or if I'm not in surrender, I feel it more intensely. Any incongruence feels radically consequential. Any blockages seem to become swarmed with empathy, which assists with highlighting but gives me the subjective sense, while I'm in it, of being locked in developmental stasis.

Oooh... Nice. In Bhakti tradition, this phase is described as fervent love for the Divine. The devotee aches and pines to be absorbed completely into the Divine's love. This is always described as an erotic fervor - not necessarily sexual but unmistakably erotic. The devotee feels enraptured by the Divine's Grace and cannot bear the thought of any separation. Stories and poems describe the devotee as burning with love, mad, and elevated - in this world but not of it.

For some of us, the path of surrender may begin out of resignation - our ego has tried every single trick in the book that it can think of and has run out of options. So we surrender because ego feels defeated and deflated. Slowly we start to realize and accept the joy, peace, and abundance of love that fills our world when we are in surrender to the Divine. Initially when we start meditating, the silence can feel uncomfortable, evasive, and at times painful. If we keep practicing regularly, then at some point we start craving for that silence every single moment. Keep practicing and you come to a point where you carry the silence within you always.

You're right about observing that we are only given what we can handle. If we feel overwhelmed, then it is most likely our own expectations and judgments. Next time you feel stuck, ask your guidance to show you the lesson. K evolves us all continuously and the growth never stops. Are you aware of Mystress' sock puppet method?

http://www.sockpuppetsofptsd.com/?x=entry:entry150710-164434

Gopi wrote  Are you aware of Mystress' sock puppet method?

That technique is still kinda secret, I have only taught it to the FST lineage and a few others, not really planning to release it until the ebook is completed. Not sure when that will be. The website for it, sucks! I used premade software instead of starting from scratch as I usually do and the guestbook part is choked with thousands of spam posts.

I have been in kind of a slump, drifting through my days... haven't written anything significant, done much art or worked on website updates in months.

  Might be connected to my Dad dying on Sept 4- no condolences please, he was 94 and in very poor health- it came as a relief to everyone including himself. I had not intended or offered to be psychopomp for him as I did (and promised to) with mom. Pretty sure I did anyway as the song "Walking in Memphis" was stuck in my head for about a week after.

A day or two before he died, he told my brother that he felt he would not be seeing mom anytime soon, and he was right about that...   He was stuck in a bardo hell of wilderness isolation loneliness for about 80 years (time passes faster there) before I lost track of him.  I won't go into reasons why he ended up there because I prefer not to speak ill of the dead. I ended up visiting him there repeatedly trying to offer insights to help him move on, but he was not any more willing to listen than when he was alive. I suspect part of me is still stuck there with him, why I don't feel fully present or very creative but have been feeling apathetic about trying to get myself out.
 
  Anyway, I don't want to hijack this thread. I do check this tearoom several times a week, and as always it is beautiful to watch you all growing.

I feel moved to write this here and have no idea why. I’ve felt moved to do a lot of things the past few days, and, at times, I have felt the power and force of Goddess completely overtake me as all sense or memory of self vanishes. It is so interesting because in that state I just know certain things, and all of my questions are simply replaced with insight. I guess the biggest insight was that this whole thing, this whole time has been about me, or rather the journey. For the longest time I couldn’t help but look at the world and wonder why its in the shape it’s in. Against all advising to keep focus internalized I couldn’t help but move through such a phase.

But things really do look different from different places. It’s difficult to describe the change or the flickering sense of hollowness or non-locality of awareness. There’s a feeling I get when She moves me to do something, and it’s all so much bigger than what I think it is at the time. Dominoes, little tweaks in the timeline or web of life. For several months I knew She was there, but I didn’t think She cared. I now realize that not only does She care, but She speaks, is a tangible force that’s always there but I just couldn’t see, hear, or feel. Some of it feels borderline psychotic, like thinking about the word “anyway” then to look down and see the last line of Mystress’ last post starting with “anyway.” But it seems more like some kind of subtle language, or wink that it’s all handled almost like that feeling of dejavu I’ve become so accustomed to lol.

I guess the only thing that changed was, lying in bed and feeling that familiar ache in my solar-plexus I told my vortex that I’m ready to ascend. In unequivocal terms I said I’m done, I’m not looking back and I seemed to breath into a new reality. It’s kind of funny how my choice seemed to be between empathic misery and incredible peace and serenity. In my case, for who and where I was at the time, I don’t think there was a better way. It’s interesting how the blessing at the center of incredibly intense karmic empathy is the ability to clear huge chunks of it at once.

I’m not sure that I’m all the way through to whatever this new state isâ€"which is kind of an ironic statement because my intuitive sense is that I’m only not here to the extent that I *believe* I’m not here, which is kind of a funny proposition. Belief. Faith. That really seems to be what this all comes down to. Therefore, moving forward will involve finding those little ways in which I still don’t believe I’m here.

Belief has become such a powerful thing nowâ€"the way I draw things to myself. Literally it feels like the wishes I dwell on come to fruition in the most uncanny, seemingly unlikely ways. Must be careful with this.

Anyway, yeah. Working on weeding beliefs moving forward while I still believe the work needs to be done.

I feel moved to write this here and have no idea why... I guess the biggest insight was that this whole thing, this whole time has been about me, or rather the journey.... But things really do look different from different places. It’s difficult to describe the change or the flickering sense of hollowness or non-locality of awareness.
... Belief has become such a powerful thing nowâ€"the way I draw things to myself. Literally it feels like the wishes I dwell on come to fruition in the most uncanny, seemingly unlikely ways. Must be careful with this. 

Some of it echoes my own thoughts, this morning. Too many thoughts.
(Got distracted and wandered away from writing for a few days.  Went back to my roots, so to speak... Louise Hay videos that informed my path of surrender in the early 90s.)

  It is helpful to think of chakra levels. Go back to the chakras lesson and do as I describe, shifting your awareness to each in turn and seeing how your world and thoughts are different on each. Your vortex is near the power chakra level, which rules free will, boundaries etc. The other end goes into non-duality, the chakras above the heart. Each chakra dimension is like a different world and getting to know them means being able to shift yourself more easily.

  The inside and outside worlds. As I fall asleep stuff is brought up, old hurts and unresolved issues with other people. Try to resolve within myself even shifting up to the crown where its all Maya and nothing matters. Surrendered so many times I contemplate whether its stuck in shaman imperative and the only release is to write some unkind emails to give the insights back. Don't want to.  I think, I am not doing enough art these days...

  I consider whether my current state might be related to all the grief and fear incoming since the UN statement that we only have 13 years to pull our fat out of the fire and stop global warming going critical. External influences, an explanation that has been validated thousands of times via empathy... move up one chakra and it still comes down to me, personal responsibility =  how I respond. I find myself wondering if processing those emotions might be the most important work of planetary avatar. The imperative to train vampires to do the same would seem to validate that idea.

  Diamond body can go anywhere and your thoughts are the navigation. Multiple infinite realities. It is true for everyone, we are all Gods of our own lives, navigating with our thoughts. For most people the content of karma, ego, blockages slows the process down... without that weight, the effects are immediate and having a zen silent mind is safety to avoid accidental manifestations!   

Thank you Mystress,

I will do as instructed. It seems that a lot of karmic stuff moves through me faster now that I don't seem fixated on the universe of the power-chakra like I was. All of that stuff is very noisy and seemed bent on convincing me it was worthwhile. Fixating on and growing the stuff wasn't doing much good. The analogy of logs on a stream feels more concrete now. Gradations of clarity are such a good alternative.

I keep feeling compelled that there is something going on here that is important and I need to pay attention to. I suppose that further surrender and chakra navigation will help with discernment.

Maybe I just need to get back into this work here and cut back some of this other dross I’ve been involved inâ€"a type of musical project I’ve always dreamed of being involved in (manifestion?) that’s intersecting with an important academic bottleneck over the next few months. I can feel the tightness of his power chakra and the rush he’s in to complete everything but it’s just not going to work for me.

I suppose an arrow needs to stay true to course, and the dharmic move here now feels completely obvious.

  Well, there is what you do to get ascended... and then, how to *stay* ascended.

  In the late 90s I went to a pagan sabbat, Litha summer solstice in a private park on a sunny day. A few friends greeted us as we arrived, then we were busy setting up the campsite. Later I had a kind of strange experience of waving at old friends and getting not even a flicker of recognition... strange... in the circle, the HP going around with the smudge etc.,  skipped over me each time.. odd, I thought but let it go because I did not need the purification. After the ritual I realized it was because I was in nonduality, fully ascended and therefore, invisible. Being invisible at a social event was not much fun so I grabbed a bit of ambient karma to get some duality so I could show up in duality. Friends started greeting me and asking when I had arrived! I asked the HP about his skipping over me, he said he knew I was there (he was trained in blindfolded martial arts) but I was being invisible and he went with it. He assumed it was deliberate. The thing is, for the rest of the weekend I had an odd sight whisper of a feeling of not being quite myself... things I was saying, etc... were a lot more Wiccan than my own beliefs. It was barely noticeable, it was not until after I got home and the bit of karma I had grabbed, had blown off that I was able to more clearly see how that bit of karma stuff had become my ego identity for the weekend.

  We spoke of it before, taking on karma and becoming a reflection of somebody's issues. To stay in a state of grace you need to stay in the flow of "Goddess has it handled" and the awareness of when She is handling it, through you.  Men cannot Become Her as women can, so the relationship with Her, communication is important and grows with time.

Attach to anything, it is a duality in a non dual self, you grow a new ego around it that is nearly as invisible as the original one was and the bigger it gets the harder the fall. The worst is, as the body gets muddier you lose insights, fall far enough and you will forget what it felt like to be ascended or that its possible or how to get back there.  The benefit of a close relationship with the Guide is it can throw you a rope. It does not forget. The benefit of satsang- the company of other ascended people to remind you what is real when you are stuck.   Probably the biggest benefit to me in teaching, is it keeps me reminded of whats real.
You don't lose the diamond body when you fall, its imperishable but you do lose the sense of it, you can forget that it was your own thoughts brought you there and where to find the exit.

  Just like you getting caught up in that other guys project stress, it happens so easy eh? Perhaps the hardest thing I found about being fully ascended is how people call you hard hearted if you do not engage with their drama. They exert a pull, seeking to be validated and go spewing,  if they are not. Being compassion on legs, basically, and having people perceive it as callousness can do a number on your head.

  Around 1992? For a few months I worked at a parade float factory. The company put on a Christmas lights parade at night in Gastown.  As we got up the the wire, the days got longer, people worked harder, everybody started getting sick and one woman quit two days before the parade. I spoke to her later and she explained, so many times she had burnt the candle at both ends to get somebody's event done on time, then spend a week recovering and she just could not do it anymore.  We were all pissed that her flaking made more work for the rest of us, but in hindsight I could see that she was right. If the company had hired a few extra workers earlier on, they would not have had to pay a lot of overtime and burn out all the staff with the last minute rushing. Like the print shop meme says: "Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on our part" but with empathy it takes mindfulness to not get caught up in other people's emergencies and drama.
    

Well, it looks like the burler is up and running smoothly now. I suppose I had this sudden insight on Mother's day the degree to which, without even realizing or thinking about it, I had been fixating or getting hung up on that tight feeling in my stomach; I decided to simply change my area of focus, no longer giving energy to that fear and finally having faith that it will all be handled. I found that a lot of stuff cleared immediately and continued to clear through the day yesterday and today.

I think I'm coming to realize in an almost tangible sense that this is going to need to be a regular discipline for me, because this fear and grief seems to be continually incoming. I am incredibly empathic, in ways I hadn't realized when the signal was so muddy and unable to tease apart. It feels now that there is just this incredible amount of energy being absorbed from my environment at all times, and the fear seems to always be vying for my attention, whining at me, crying. For so long, for all those years I just became overshadowed by it, identified with it, became that incredibly unhappy and depressed person who didn't realize just how depressed he was.

This whole thing has felt like learning a very delicate dance but I think I finally have it. All that stuff was so heavy and stressed the heck out of my body. I can feel by body thanking me, finally able to relax. It's amazing how quickly that unhappy husk of an identity can be cast off, leaving me wondering where it went.

I'm glad I've come to this point because moving forward there will be no shortage of grief and fear around me considering my vocation.

Thank you everyone for your support--it's a real trip that this is probably the only place in the world that could have helped me with this.  This feels like a big breakthrough here and progress now feels like it will be be rapid.

Well, it looks like the burler is up and running smoothly now. I suppose I had this sudden insight on Mother's day the degree to which, without even realizing or thinking about it, I had been fixating or getting hung up on that tight feeling in my stomach; I decided to simply change my area of focus, no longer giving energy to that fear and finally having faith that it will all be handled. I found that a lot of stuff cleared immediately and continued to clear through the day yesterday and today.
I think I'm coming to realize in an almost tangible sense that this is going to need to be a regular discipline for me, because this fear and grief seems to be continually incoming.

  Well, as I said... Ever since the UN climate change announcements, people have been aiming fear and grief at the planet, at unprecedented rates.

I have been hip deep in it for months, finding it hard to get anything else done because it clears best autopilot if I am distracted by something trivial like silly computer games. For years I have been asking, "what is my job as avatar?" and this seems a big part of the answer.  Planet wide psychology.

Bowie has been a comfort.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yYwpnG-rkHI (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yYwpnG-rkHI) "Five years" with lyrics
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4bcnO3VQ_fc (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4bcnO3VQ_fc) better sound and visuals

Actually, mothers day I was trying to write about it and thought to wonder how my vamps are doing with it. Snacking on the karma people dump into the planet is part of the vamp imperative, so not surprised it has been incoming. Chat with your vortex, agree to be the vessel of transmutation, see how much can be set autopilot for your vortex to identify and handle for you, and Her.




Thank you everyone for your support--it's a real trip that this is probably the only place in the world that could have helped me with this. 
  That is really true.
 

Encouraging to get a handle on the broader context of what's happening and the scale these things are occurring on. As for self-care it feels I just need to really commit to sitting and clearing 30 minutes 2x daily. I just have to do it. It's a thin line between that empty flow state and these one-dimensional depressive identities that overcome me when there's too much incoming and I get caught up in daily routine or it starts building up around one of the identities. I can feel and see Goddess working in my life and it's really quite incredible that these things still happen even when I'm in those places.

I guess the biggest thing that has thrown me off kilter for so long is that I had a bunch of stuff I needed to get out of my system. Experimentation, drugs, music. Exploring the edges, I guess; however foolish it was of me, it felt like I had to give that part of me its due.  With the shaki though, obviously, I cannot go down that road too far -- just as a life of complete conformity feels impossible in its own right.

I suppose that it is time for me to settle down and simplify, simplify, simplify. Often the last person I look out for or advocate for in the world is me.

I recently identified that some of my deepest karma involves a tendency not to complete things. It was a blissful release of sorts when I found it but I'm sure there's more layers. The incoming stuff is simply highlighting my own crap, and impetus is growing to release it. It's always right in front of me, right in my face. It always was.

Sometimes I wonder, though, how much of the "problem" is me making such a problem out of all of this. I know I get into trouble when I zero in on the stuff inside of me and begin inflating it with my attention. This idea of "planet wide psychology" resonates in the sense that when I really look at what's happening with me, it's a vast surplus of consciousness. It's more than I realize sometimes, or something I take for granted. Makes the whole daily ritual of morning coffee, traffic and important deadlines feel like an epochal struggle. Keyword: struggle. Of course that is going to get me into trouble.

I get so much of this. I can write like I get it but putting into daily practice is so different. I guess my deepest motivations must become aligned with my knowledge. Congruence of intention.

I guess I'm just trying to find that line between going easy with things/self-care and lassitude. I'm at a point now where I have several decisions to make about where I go with my life, whether to move to another state, etcetera. I surrender these. In fact, I surrender all of this stuff.

I really feel called to start writing like this more often for purposes of release. It really does feel beneficial for this current "mop up" of sorts that I'm in right now. I used to always try to direct my writing in a certain direction or try to somehow sound eloquent but now I literally just go with whatever comes to mind. I've got to get my dang paws off the controls. That honestly feels like it should be priority right now. If I play the tape through, ego is just insanity. A closed loop. That's all it was, all it is when light is thrown on it. Been there, done that, time to move on.

My guide introduced himself to me last night by the name of Vlad and I got a strong mental image of what my research revealed was a character from Sesame Street called Count von Count. Apparently his function in the series was to teach counting to kids. With him being a quantum and likely genderless being I feel that he is simply relating to me in a way I can understand. I find myself trying to sharpen my eye for double or triple entendres in what may at first glance appear to be playful communication. The idea that a being so powerful and wise is beholden to the freewill of a being as silly and finite as me is astounding. I've been so slippery.

Anyway, at this point he has me browsing the cesspools otherwise known as Youtube comments sections for snacks but I'm reminded to keep grounding. Grounding on its own seems necessary but not sufficient for me, this snacking is also necessary. It feels like a lot of those people are lost vampires trying to get a rise out of people looking for snacks. Either way I'm glad to sort of help out with whatever my guide decides to work on. It's cool to have him talking so clearly now, this is the kind of stuff great fictional novels are made of.

Remaining discomfort tells me that I am still missing the mark here in at least one way or another. Since I am primarily verbal rather than visual I will therefore just start freewriting and see if I can uncover whatever resistance is still getting me all twisted up in a knot. I suspect that the best avenue to go down here is the vampire route and the degree to which I truly have accepted and love this part of myself. Has anything splintered off? Where may I have split myself?

My earliest memories relating to this are as a young boy and feeling so deeply, acutely uncomfortable around other people. I had such a strong aversion to touch, even from my own mother. In a way, I feel like my resistance started in the womb. I came out not kicking and screaming, but exhausted. Exhausted. Like I always am. No. Energy. This theme has always been present for me, and the ability of others around me to engage in extracurriculars, have busy schedules and be “star students” always bewildered me.

I remember around the age of 6 or 7 feeling the looming dread in my stomach. It felt almost sickening. I thought I was just terrified of going to school. I daydreamed a lot there, didn’t keep up with the mathematics and the teacher was mean. I often think I was enlightened as a boy, and then there was this gradual descent into foggy karmic malaise that continued to snowball into my adulthood. I was so deeply in love with the earth and atmosphereâ€"my attention consisted of pure worship. How I long for consciousness to have such a quality once more.

Tracing the thread of memory in attempt to find where it was that I turned my back on myself, or splintered myself, I’m reminded to keep shining love on everything. In early adolescence I began displaying signs of being a troubled youth, rebelling, but too lethargic and generally apathetic to get into much trouble. Other kids largely seemed repelled by me, but teachers seemed to like me and thought I was “bright” but disinterested or unmotivated. It was in these years that I began cascading into a path of self-destruction and feeling completely lost.

Savior synchronicity swept in when a series of events swept me into a new reality and I discovered an interest in spiritual development and began twiddling around with energy practices and seemingly overnight, kundalini led to transformation from angry young man to transient Christ psychosis that lasted months. For a kid like I was at the time it really was a “winning the lottery” type experience, and yet it all felt so normal and the idea that other people had no concept of such things was a foreign idea to me.

Needless to say, this turned my life around dramatically and in a way, I completely forgot about that other part of myself. I went through all the stages of thinking I was “chosen,” “indigo” or some kind of special reincarnation (janitor) but this was largely harmless and preferable to where I was before.

My mind is brought back to the word “resistance.” That tight feeling in the solar-plexusâ€"that feeling that I felt even as a 7 year old boyâ€"is, at the end of the day, resistance. Interestingly, in the “sainthood psychosis” years I think I definitely split myself and developed a very righteous mentality, hanging out in the upper chakras and oblivious to the lower chakra issues that have come into immediate awareness over the past two years or so. Even when I first came here I knew on some level that I was deceiving myself and would need to do some digging; that there was something else resident in me that didn’t feel congruent with who and what I thought I was.

I guess that is something to focus onâ€"this idea of splitting. I think I’ve had this habit since those teenage years of hanging out in the higher chakras and not being integrated with other parts of my natureâ€"shadow, vampire. That person was kind of weak, flimsy, had no access to the power afforded by having a strong base. Even now, I feel so much stronger, almost warrior-like and wiser than that self-righteous lightworker I was at that time.

What a fire path this is, beyond any mere metaphor. I feel it basically forcing me to get into shape and get this knot all sorted out. It’s like I’m on an evolutionary conveyor-belt with a manual I barely understand and it always keeps pushing me inward, the only place where I can find the answers.

Anyways, I can write on and on for paragraphs and probably keep unearthing new things but I think the takeaway from this one is the splitting but also retracing that thread of memory from early childhood and possibly even before. Maybe even more fundamentally I feel on some level that I do love and accept my vampire natureâ€"but do I really? Do I still somehow feel bad? I obviously have not yet reframed my relationship with grief and fear because they both come to me like a magnet but I do not digest. It’s all judgments and resistanceâ€"where am I still in judgement? As a boy I worshiped earth and atmosphereâ€"isn’t being a vampire such a great service to both?

"Flooding the system" now 8x daily doing an exercise I read elsewhere here, grounding but going turbo with it and filling my torso with as much sun energy as it can feasibly hold, letting it fall into the earth then bathing in the upward flow. This seems to be helping me go in and clear myself better while remaining centered since maintaining grounding has always felt so difficult with all the karma stuff. This approach seems promising. At least, it is helping me remain in touch with intuitive wisdom

Hmm if I park myself in the heart for a while it all starts loosening up and moving -- how did I not see this sooner? It was captivating, I suppose.

Quote from: TheFifth on May 27, 2019, 02:47:16 PM
My guide introduced himself to me last night by the name of Vlad and I got a strong mental image of what my research revealed was a character from Sesame Street called Count von Count. Apparently his function in the series was to teach counting to kids.

I have been shaking my head and chuckling to myself ever since I read this yesterday. A vampire vortex taking the form of The Count from Sesame Street is the funniest thing! The most non threatening vampire ever, an original Jim Henson muppet.
 Curious you were unfamiliar with that particular cultural icon but I have known him since I was 6! More evidence that I had a lot more influence shaping the vamp/vortex interface than I realized at the time. Choosing a puppet form really underlines that The Count is an interface for enhancing communication, not the actual shape of the being.
 For those unfamiliar, here is The Count teaching mindfulness. (lol)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TJxKvwMIVtA (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TJxKvwMIVtA)

Quote from: TheFifth on May 27, 2019, 02:47:16 PM
Anyway, at this point he has me browsing the cesspools otherwise known as Youtube comments sections for snacks but I'm reminded to keep grounding. Grounding on its own seems necessary but not sufficient for me, this snacking is also necessary.

There are a lot of unhappy people seeking attention on youtube comments!

"He" feels like a teacher in his own way; it feels like I'm being trained somehow in ways I'm not necessarily aware of in the moment. In many ways it feels like the person I was has been chiseled away pretty good--in ways I didn't realize as it was happening--and its just these stubborn fragments which remain.  Just trying to listen to find congruence to ever greater degrees.

All this time-hopping, interfacing and synchronicity stuff is beyond far-out but in some weird way it feels totally natural in the sense that I've kind of gotten to a point where it doesn't really perturb me.

Quote from: TheFifth on Jun 04, 2019, 08:43:39 PM
Hmm if I park myself in the heart for a while it all starts loosening up and moving -- how did I not see this sooner? It was captivating, I suppose.

Meditating on my role as Avatar I realized the still small voice of the heart and the voice of the planet-mind, are the same.

Very profound insight and an apt one considering that very voice has been poking me to come back here all day. I'm so distraction-prone yet I'll laser focus on music or psychological studies for stretches at the exclusion of seemingly everything else. The voice has been a tangible presence all day after having been seemingly absent for months. This feels like its somehow an important time, though the significance of it escapes my limited mind. Hearing/feeling the voice and the act of listening itself almost feels like the same thing, like silence with a voice perfectly suited to each discrete moment. Why now? Who knows. I'm sure there was even wisdom in its apparent absence.

But when I come here or listen closely I clearly see that paradoxical freewill/apparent determinism thing going on which, in some peculiar way, makes me rest easy. Maybe I've finally tipped the scale and the preponderance has shifted more into surrender than attempted control. What a ride through the mud it's been. It feels like its been so long since I've felt that sustained divine presence but today it feels stronger than ever before, like I'm in some deep, still meditation whatever I happen to be doing. It's nice - like that grounded feet tingling feeling but more robust and sustained. I wonder what will happen if I focus my attention on it...

Its all about increasing your vibration, the feeling of Presence when you manage to get yourself out of the way.

  I mentioned I keep asking, what is my job now? What does it mean to be Avatar as it seems nobody has done that before. A lot of it is, keep doing what I have been doing, but it comes flavoured with new insights that make me think, that I got stalled on FST updates because I did not yet have the missing pieces.

  FST to me, looks more like a training manual for plugging your mind into the planetary consciousness for active participation in your own evolution.  Kundalini is  a side effect. The connection to the planet, is central.  It is like the vortexes in that She is already so wired into us, pulling our strings individually and as a species but too respectful of our free will to let us know unless we choose.  Happy to hide in our ideas of all the God-desses.

I have said before that grounding is like plugging your mind into Hers,... that he peace you feel when grounded, is Her peace seems so obvious that I wonder is it new info or something known and forgotten?

  How She speaks through my heart and the visions and words She sends to my mind are not the same; different expressions through different chakras. 

  Well... I paused writing to contemplate my life especially my current issues with being too incapacitated to clean and declutter my house. Looking at the pile of clothes etc piled on top of Ms Marvell the super massage chair across from me, beneath the big TV that is my new monitor... I felt something looking back at me and noticed a reptile  eye... it took me a moment to identify the species because I was not expecting a visitor...

There is the head of the Fire Serpent, looking right at me with his left eye. His iridescence reflecting FST colours from the TV screen omg, so beautiful.  FST is the path back to Her that is encoded in our DNA. He represents the cosmic spirit and wisdom of all DNA, and the wheel of life that is Orouborus.

  Showing up in the real to remind me there is good reason this course bears His name.  I guess I should not be quite so surprised, I invited him to devour me last night... as I do every few years, usually when I am feeling very tired and burnt out.

In the real world this amazing random (Goddess did it) art is a slightly crumpled black shipping bag containing some clothes I ordered online and plan to return.  I took a snapshot so you can see and feel his presence, lol I am not tripping. Born of chaos and randomness, the Gods can show up like that when we need them. 


(http://fire-serpent.com/tantra/personal/fireserpent.png)


Not to derail your thread, I will copy these paragraphs to a new one. http://fire-serpent.com/tearoom/index.php/topic,1633.0.html (http://fire-serpent.com/tearoom/index.php/topic,1633.0.html) Comments on the photo be directed there.

  So there is a spectrum to feeling Her presence, the basic level is grounding. If grounding is followed by observing the breath the feeling of presence is much enhanced  At the moment when it feels like Goddess is breathing you, and it soon intensifies as She starts up with the pranayama and in addition to observing the breath you can observe how She uses it to purify and enhance the body. When you are purified the connection is clearer and the Presence is more immediate.  The more you do it, the better it gets, because you are staying purified and practice means you drop into the guided breathing state and presence within the first or second breath. This makes it very accessible as something to do in stray moments of the day, like waiting for an elevator, or as a natural pause when making any decision. 

  It is all about vibration, going back to the basic mechanics of purification. The karma stuff makes blockages in the energy body that impede the flow of life force. The more you release the emotional noise karma stuff, the more room there is for the life energy to flow and along with that comes an increase in vibration that is like an elevator to a better life experience. Where the Divine self is present to guide choices and provide for needs, through a flow of elegant synchronicities.

  Alchemy, lead into gold. Gold is a superconductor, and we become superconductors for our Divine self, for the earth energy and Her presence comes along with. It is actually always there, wired in our DNA but awareness and receptive gratitude makes a big welcome.

Predestination and free will. The co-creation dance, Goddess and Fire Serpent. Planet and DNA and free will of the individual ego to choose their life experience - whether they accept they are choosing or not. 

No worries about derailing, I'm glad when the thread stimulates writing or teaching.

It seems that is what I am plugging into, or, rather, noticing more lately. Last night I interacted with that planetary consciousness and she responded, subtly, but I'm learning how my body experiences her vibration; feels like strong grounding--sort of. I remember marveling "you're real!" and feeling the response.

I recently went through a particularly dark depression of sorts, but it made me realize a lot about how my monkey mind works--self-knowledge I suppose--and the stuff it gets me into. I guess it led me to a spot where I realized that all I really can do is prostrate myself, literally, figuratively, however I can set that intention and embody it, express it.

I'm like a walking warehouse of all these aspects, some very stupid and juvenile, some intelligent and insightful. For the longest time I thought I had to get a handle on these things. Makes me think of a close family member who's all about "discipline, discipline, discipline" which usually lasts for a few weeks before the wheels fly off and the whole project has to restart from scratch. I suppose, for me, it's just more patriarchal control-based stuff imitating genuine spirituality.

The vibration is rising, the narrative-based sense of self feels flimsy but the most neurotic parts seem most persistent. I get these spells, or panic-attack type experiences where my mind will fixate on something--a sound, a phrase--and I'll feel flung into an intense, but usually brief episode of ego dissolution where it feels like time stops and that particular sound or phrase is all there is. Usually seems to happen after coffee (bad habit I need to break) but it seems to exemplify for me that sense of fragility of ego right now.

Anyway, with all the neurotic bits, like I said, prostrating myself--every day, for as long as it takes--feels like all I can do. I had spent the greater part of a year working in addiction treatment and it took me a while to notice signs of burnout from this--weird anger, cynicism. It has felt like a heavy cloud has followed me ever since, almost like I'm injured somehow, and some part of me feels like I need to acknowledge this injury and somehow give it articulation and love so it can heal. I wish on some level my vortex would just eat it all in one fell swoop. It is so adept at drawing empathy and I seem so inept at just letting it happen.

I should probably start a regimen of deep grounding followed by observing the breath to really do a deep cleaning.

Holy kriyas! Didn’t think they would happen to me but wow - looks like it’s what my body has wanted to do for a while now. I just had to let it happen. Had me flopping like a loose garden hose. Strong visions of animals and chimpanzees, ear ringing. Feels like body wisdom I was somehow neglecting for all this time. Of course the body doesn’t want to be bogged down with stuff. The quick jerk seems centered in my stomach and seems to want me to arch my torso back. Just moving with it letting it do it’s thing

  Kriyas good!  Observing the breath is the fastest way to get back in touch with the body when you are out of it, and people who think too much, spend a lot of time out of it. Forging deeper connection with the body, empowered it to take action to clear itself.

Yes -- I practically live in the head and cognition and rarely realize it. Looks like aiming gratitude energy at the solar plexus regularly will be a good adjunct practice, as well. Seems to switch the frame and the energy transmutes into joy and laughter. The liability I seem to have - and need to be mindful of - is getting trapped in the "depressed frame" and forgetting or losing sight of the "gratitude frame."

As an experiment a few days ago I called on the fire serpent to come snack on all the stuff and definitely felt a response; though, he didn't take everything. In retrospect I think he wanted to leave the rest for the vortex. He was very responsive to my prayer though and cleared me quite well though; but more than that, I seemed to gain a lot of insight into the wheel of life, the changing seasons and even the renewing, revitalizing power of death when structures become stale. It was quite a beautiful and humbling snapshot to which no words could do justice

Seems to be a period of pretty intense transition. Think I've finally realized that grounding and surrender was working--I was just expecting to get all cleared out too quickly (stuff is always incoming) and was sort of treading that line between maintaining the discipline and falling into resistance and karmic overload without realizing it. Either way, it feels like I've gotten on my feet a bit better with everything realizing that every day is a series of small choices to surrender or resist. There is the sense hanging around that I've been initiated, in a way, into something quite deep and that the Gods are smiling on me, or, rather, working with me since I've resolved to help myself/affirm my commitment to this path and to service in general. Lot's of Egyptian imagery and synchronicity-type experiences and nighttime encounters with that Mayan/Aztec chaotic "trip" vibe with that tangible sense that there is something staring back at me. I figure probably best surrendered as it comes up -- stuff working itself out through symbolic representation?

People around me have suddenly gotten quite friendly, which is nice. Definitely a lot of "fear in the air" down here in the states, though, which seems to be incoming and processing automatically granted that I keep up this discipline I seem to have refined over the past few weeks.

I honestly thought the stupor I was in would never end but I think a fundamental shift has finally come. Right now it just feels like all I can really do is just enjoy the view, and it's nice. This relief and dawn could not have come at a better time. So, so grateful.

Continuing practice of getting more in the body and letting it do its thing. Heat, lots of heat. Kriyas come and go. The heat is actually blissful if I surrender and open to it. This heightened energy has been working me for a few months now, mainly experienced as decreased ability to keep train of thought, make decisions and remain organized. Scatter brained, less coherent thought processes, much shorter-winded in writing.

I sort of surrendered to the energy, trusting it knows what to do even if I feel like I’m frying, and saw a stream of archetypal imagery, one of which where I felt like a burning Christ on the cross which felt very cleansing.

Dumping overload interestingly doesn’t help the frying like it used to. It’s almost like the Shakti set-point or default is higher now and the onus is on me to adjust.

 I wondered if you were dumping overload when I read about the stupor.
 
  Heat is usually tummo fire, it can activate spontaneously... would not surprise me if the vortexes took a template for that too. Do you find your eyes are burning like you got smoke in them? Mine were tearing for months and I thought it was allergies until I figured out its tummo fire smoldering, like wet leaves on a campfire.  Usually something I did not have consent to burn.

  The resolution is like flue paper. Start with the root, imagine the spark of each chakra in turn, burning white hot like a welders torch for a few minutes each. Crank it up and blow it clean, then surrender the fire to Goddess again.

I mentioned to a student recently, that it is not unusual to find someone standing *in* the campfire at sunset beach on my secondlife island.  I am not quite sure how it came to be possessed by Bael and some fire elementals, but they do enjoy snacking on the emotional energy that is karma stuff, when invited to.

Ask your vortex to take whatever is interfering with your ability to focus. Might be able to negotiate, like having focus at work in exchange for two hours doing nothing but spacing out in the evening. Ask what is possible.

My eyes tend to be teary from allergies though I have noticed they seem inflamed lately in a manner correlating with the gradual decrease in focus and ability to think straight. I have had a few people observe that they look somewhat different, less focused. Looking in the mirror I feel my eyes look kind of frazzled. If this is tummo fire it activated months ago and has been increasing since and I'm only now getting the memo. It does feel different from kundalini heat that has occurred off and on over the years. Sort of opening up to it and letting it cleanse me feels good and "right." If I don't the stupor, sort of stoned feeling grows.

Hmm lighting the chakras knocked me out for a nap and then induced minor nausea which may just be coincidental with something I ate or something.

I’m guessing this is the new tech or the chakra lighting I did earlier. The illness definitely feels metaphysical with lots of second sight. Someone was showing me the light at the center of the planet, explaining its where we come from and go back to. Heat and cold in my body, areas of pressure, some sense of restlessness. Feels like a fever. Quite dramatic but I’m willing to ride it out to see the other side. I’m not surprised by the intensity considering how deep these health issues have been.

Orrr this is just the suspect salad I ate earlier. Feels like some kind of vibrational flu though.

  Somewhat inconclusive conversation with the vamp vortex egregore. Incomplete consent on both sides, led to incomplete activations. Never occurred to me that a vamp would need tummo fire but they are like doting parents wanting to offer every advantage. Since tummo is potentially within everyone just like Kundalini, not sure why they needed my work at all? Something about templates and efficiencies. Seems they need me/my quantum self to sort it out. Seems they were not sure I would agree to vamps getting free tummo... but it is Queen's work. Makes my liver ache a bit, vamp that for me? ty.

Could be time travelled, you experiencing it before I agreed to do it. Manipulative little buggers! It's like druid's "It is easier to get forgiveness after, than consent before." Mess it up and ask me to fix it instead of asking me in the first place?

  Barfing kriyas are a thing.  When energy work gives you nausea, flow with it. Go bend over a toilet bowl for some unpleasant but extremely cleansing dry heaves, puking up karma. Rarely will you actually vomit, its an energy release but the raaaalphing can be really intense anyway. Barfing up some crap you swallowed, I find it is most often associated with negative projections from adults, as a child. Verbal abuse or negative beliefs. Might be additional benefits, for vampires. Flush after,  to complete the surrender.

Someone was showing me the light at the center of the planet, explaining its where we come from and go back to.

So true and so beautiful.

  Reminds me of a little heretic girl in church, confused by the priest saying Heaven above and Hell below when I knew for sure it was wrong because I had been there, in that light,  and it was all love and felt feminine. Said to me "you are My child..."  We all are.

Rough night, but I have reason to believe it was food poisoning now and I was just reading into it too much. (Ended up not keeping food downâ€"sounds more like infection). Weird timing but worst seems over now.

Negative projections from adults were definitely a thing for me as a kid. It would make sense that stuff like that would come up. Whatever all this is, just flowing with it. Seems my guide is very active and up to things I have no idea about.

Interesting deeper layer here revealed from all of this. I always wondered why as a boy I started displaying signs of having been neglected or abused, even though my parents never did such things. It was the vamp projections and disapproval I seemed to draw from people around me. So obvious. I felt it. It turned me into a slumped puppy with its tail between its legs and it’s always remained with me.

Everywhere I go and in everything I do, I expect, or wait for this disapproval. If it doesn’t come swiftly I act in ways to bring it about, or to sabotage myself. I’ve lived this out over and over again the past few decades, but the realization of itâ€"actually isolating and localizing itâ€"is incredible.

Goddess, thank you so much for helping me find this. Please take this from me; I offer it up as a gift for you, all yours. Thank you so very much.

There’s a distinct scent too that’s hanging around through all of this. I’ve been having weird scents come and go over the past few months. Can’t really liken them to anything because they’re too vague.

Feels like I’m posting a lot but there’s a lot going on right now. The barfing kriyas continue as does the overall malaise. Literally feels like coughing up invisible poison. Feeling more and more like this is a spiritual flu related to cleansing. The karma in my body feels like death. Sure it’s been there a while. Doing my best to stay out of the way and act out the kriyas when necessary. This latter part feels important. I’ve had “retching “ kriyas before in the past but never this severe and pronounced.

Would think my vortex would have a field day with all this stuff, odd it seems to need to be cleared “manually” like this, or expelled rather than eaten, but I guess I must be that buried in absence of consent. I’ve told it to have at it so many times but I guess there’s parts of me holding on somehow. I guess there’s many roads to Rome even for someone has lumpen and stubborn as me

  Vortexes cannot see identity splinters like sock puppets or demons. Not sure why, shaman guides are totally on it. Sounds like your other symptoms predate my discovery but the more recent are since your request on another thread.

  (Does the thing...)

Much better today! Feel lighter overall like it was a good purging. Baseline feels more surrendered/peaceful than ever before. I guess I'm kind of confused on the difference/relationship between identity splinters and karma -- seems the former is deeper ingrained and even semi autonomous? Definitely had some strange identities hanging around/overshadowing me over the years and awareness of them seemed to get increasingly more visceral over the past few months and impetus has grown. I suppose with the splinters it would make sense I'd need to go in and integrate them manually.

May have more dry heaves which I'll flow with.

They didn't feel like inanimate karma but they weren't quite entities either.

I guess I'm kind of confused on the difference/relationship between identity splinters and karma -- seems the former is deeper ingrained and even semi autonomous? Definitely had some strange identities hanging around/overshadowing me over the years and awareness of them seemed to get increasingly more visceral over the past few months and impetus has grown. I suppose with the splinters it would make sense I'd need to go in and integrate them manually.

People rarely know about their splinters. They get pushed into shadow, invisible.

It is like the difference between a scar or wound, and an amputation. Except what got amputated does not die because consciousness is immortal, so it is a fragment of consciousness seeking re-integration because being split is cold and lonely.

Discernment is back and feels supercharged, like if I just tune into it and keep listening it will take me the rest of the way. Ache in the power chakra feels about 80% reduced which is tremendous for me. Maybe the tummo helped chip away at it? Who knows, many events and moving parts here that are all connected. The way everything played out over the past week was unbelievably parsimonious.

Thank you Mystress for your help and guidance through this. I asked my vortex to clean up anything that didn’t go cleanly. He seemed to joke “that I can handle.” He can handle a lotâ€"indeed, wants toâ€"the splinters were just a relatively small but consequential sticking point.

This other stuff feels like resistance to being embodied and manifest in the world. Probably more splinters to integrate. It's always been so automatic that it's invisible to me but obvious by the way I've always carried my body.

That warm smoldering sensation is kind of familiar; I remember when I first came here feeling it like some kind of warm, welcoming campfire in my chest. I seem to have developed some kind of second sight now in addition to the empathy which is cool and helps me visualize things like grounding. Seems the tummo cleared out a lot of noise so I can now find a signal and parse through the karma/splinters better. 90% of my life up until now was in that stoned stupor state, high cortisol/inflammation, high baseline anxiety/tension in the body alternating with detached bliss--not embodied bliss. I used bliss to escape - reliably - until even the escapism didn't work anymore. Good to feel bliss returning, even though I don't necessarily want to hammer that button too much.

I'll just continue trying to listen to the body and its ways of expelling stuff. The barfing can occur essentially whenever I decide to allow it. Negotiating with it so I can be "socially acceptable" in presentation when needed seemed to work. Feel my mind/reasoning/organizational capacity starting to come back. Cortisol / inflammation has always clouded it out and masked my expression.

Weird how things turn out. When I first came here I never would have imagined I was a vampire, that I was carrying so much garbage, or how incredibly empathic/intuitive I seem to be beneath that whole heap.

Seems the tummo cleared out a lot of noise so I can now find a signal and parse through the karma/splinters better. 90% of my life up until now was in that stoned stupor state, high cortisol/inflammation, high baseline anxiety/tension in the body alternating with detached bliss--not embodied bliss. I used bliss to escape - reliably - until even the escapism didn't work anymore.

  I am pretty sure it was the other thing I did, not the tummo that is responsible for your clearer head and reduced inflammation. Having bits of your consciousness set against the rest is a chronic stress cause of inflammation. When that interference is resolved, the result is a laser-like alignment of focus.

  You are getting a bit tangled in the terminology. You talk about parsing through your splinters... isn't possible, makes no sense. Jung defined the shadow as "that which we think we are not" and added that it is invisible. Splinters, rejected parts of oneself "I am not that!" live deep in shadow and are invisible to the one who made them. Vampire vortexes have no ability to see or identify splinters or sock puppets. Those manifestations are just not part of its reality or perceptions. 

  What is invisible can some times be detected, like a black hole can be identified by how light is bent around it, and an invisible elephant in the living room can be identified by how people are bent around it. You noted there is a part of you that always expects rejection... that is how it bent the light but you could not call it up to face you, it remained invisible.

Yeah that is likely correct I get kinda excitable with big changes and start jumping to conclusions and making leaps. I still have to test the esophagus issue with an offending food like some type of melon or raw vegetable, will report back in the other thread. I once had my blood cortisol measured and it was unbelievable - I suppose this was more indicative of physiological/medical inflammatory processes albeit rooted in spiritual causes. Another cortisol test would be interesting to do.

I think I'm clear now on the splinters; by being in the shadow they are by their very nature invisible. I had a dream about a month ago that sort of suggested in a subtle way that a lot of what's been going on with me lately has just been my process digging more into the shadow. Good lord did it feel like there was a lot in there. On the one hand I always used to think surely my shadow can't be that big, kind of naively; but feeling how big it is doesn't necessarily feel "special" or unique to me, either.

My practice right now that seems to be working is just going into my solar plexus and hugging all the tension that comes up with violet gratitude-infused light. I always used to wonder if progress was being made but it's just layer after layer. After a good 20 minutes of this practice I feel revitalized and fed somehow. Little breakthroughs seem to be made, then pressure returns which I assume is the k energy pushing on another layer.   

Jung defined the Shadow as "What we think we are not" and that means its the whole universe and everybody else on the planet. Don't worry about size.

So much of my life has been spent feeling like God hates me. This angry white-bearded caricature grew into a scowling inner tyrant who criticized nearly everything about me, everything I do. All my suffering, all my pains, demons, everything that has ever held me back from living that traditional life I always felt others had; I never saw these things as divine, or bittersweet, or gifts in disguise, but rather as punishment for some primordial sin I surely couldn’t remember, but surely I needed to be continually reminded of. 

How deep this cultural programming runs, it remains invisible for so long; invisible but visibly lived out. For so long I wished this God really was an invisible spaghetti monster but he was tangible in how I related to my suffering, how flawed I always felt and how I mentally punished myself for it. So deeply imperfect. I thought I had shed him away in my adolescence but his harsh voice remained.

The thought that I’m perfect just the way I am feels like home, or some refuge I have no other choice but to come back to. I’m sure in some universe I could keep repeating the same story, playing the same game over and over again, never letting go of the self-flagellation and just feeling shitty until my final breath. I guess I do have a choice, but love is a very different universe than fear. I'm sure Goddess has no judgment between either choice, but there's no denying that for where I am now, it just feels like love is the smarter of the two.

I guess I’m just in a place where I want to be love because I feel there’s no fear there, or the fear transmutes there, or there’s nothing to even fear there. Maybe I just have to actually see myself and the world for the first time.

Quote"The thought that I’m perfect just the way I am feels like home, or some refuge I have no other choice but to come back to."

Yep. Self is All. Ramana fell into non-duality at a very early age. All separation is illusion. Whenever people would ask Ramana about God, he would respond 'Who is this seeker?' hinting at the illusion of separation.

Quote"I guess I’m just in a place where I want to be love because I feel there’s no fear there"[

Excellent. When you are no longer afraid of facing fear and surrender to Goddess, then fear does not have the same effect on you. You can observe it, learn lessons, then move past your own fears, and make compassionate choices in your own life. Osho says when you ARE love, it is not something that you do. When you ARE love, there is no intention to fix or save others. All is as it should be. We learn to see the Divine perfection in All that Is. Like a rose blossoming, you do not worry about whether someone is benefiting from your fragrance. You simply blossoms and spread your love because you cannot be otherwise.

Happy to hear that you are having these experiences and realizations.

Thank you Gopi, I enjoy reading your posts and find your sharing about your own journey in the other threads comforting and inspiring.

There seems to be a seed of silence growing now, sort of like that feeling you get when you're falling down or being pulled out to sea and things feel kind of slowed down and unreal, peaceful. It's kind of like that, but not exactly.

Good stuff, welcome developments. I feel like I've found my way back to a discernible trail.

Had a dream that I was literally laughing at everything that has ever bothered me and somehow felt that was how I want to live. So strange how over a year ago I somehow had that experience for a day or two of just entering into complete inner silence, like I had somehow stumbled into it and Mystress said that was my true nature. It made perfect sense because when I was there it was just empty but I was everyone at the same time. The ruse was up, so to speak. Interesting to reflect on it a bit, having been away from it for so long.

I'm not really convinced anymore that this shadow stuff coming up has been"bad" (unconscious framing I had at the time). The "demon" that's been hanging around for the past year (most apt nickname I can give it) does reveal itself as a teacher, testing me incessantly on how well I can stay grounded and expand my circle of love. Even the parts of me where it feels like light never touches. Cold, dark places. Having them emerge as palpable revelations is a gift, just another side of self. Why should it be lower in value than the highest peak or most ecstatic mystical experience?

The demon isn't going anywhere and I don't expect him to anymore. The unconscious resistance was always the same, "get outta here!" High and mighty. Will he cast off his red suit eventually? Part of me feels like the red suit *is* the reflection of my own karma. On a deeper level, if he is a personality splinter perhaps he is just lonely and cold, in which case I suppose building any loving pipeline would be beneficial and promote integration. When I say he's palpable, I literally feel him in my solar plexus, slightly to the right side. Spasms, rightness. I think that the periodic spasms are indications of a release of something, which is good. Should probably write about it more for processing and untangling.

Thank you. I have learned and benefited a lot from the Tea room. So am happy to contribute.

Quote"There seems to be a seed of silence growing now, sort of like that feeling you get when you're falling down or being pulled out to sea and things feel kind of slowed down and unreal, peaceful."

Zen buddhism practitioners hint at Satori experiences. Satori is usually inadequately translated into English as Enlightenment. It is very hard to talk about Satori because in order to describe a phenomenon there must be an observer and a conscious experience of that phenomenon. Satori *happens* or an individual []*falls*] into Satori when they no longer identify as an individual consciousness - no observer, no phenomenon. No water. No moon. Satori is not and cannot be an achievement because it is not a logical conclusion and there is no doer (hence the words 'happen' and 'falls').

There comes a point in the journey of the seeker where the only hurdle is the effort of the seeker. This may seem very counter-intutive and confusing for some because till this point the seeker has been instructed to be steadfast in his/her spiritual practices and make efforts. And then you reach a point where you have to let go of what you are looking for and with it your doership. This is a definitive moment of trust, deeper surrender, vulnerability, and strength.

My first Satori experience happened while I was doing my yoga practice in Mystress' living room on a early December morning. I simply fell into a deep silence. And all the questions, doubts, voices, worries, and concerns just fell silent. All is as it should be. You are simply present and enveloped in a peaceful silence. Watch the grass grow.

Quote"The "demon" that's been hanging around for the past year (most apt nickname I can give it) does reveal itself as a teacher,"

The Latin word daemon means helper spirit or guiding spirit. Your demons are your best friends because they will never abandon you and they will always tell you the truth even when you don't want to hear the truth. Most of us do not like facing our own demons because they tell us the ugly truth - the things we don't want to hear about ourselves.

Imagine that you see a good friend crossing the road and he is not aware of a bicycle headed towards him. You call his name but he does not hear you. So you call LOUDER and LOUDER. You jump up and down and do what you need to do in order to get their attention. Your friend may be startled and shocked by your random actions but your intention is to get their attention. This is what demons do for us. We refuse to pay attention. So they get more louder and angrier and meaner. Whatever they need to do in order to get our attention. So that we don't hurt ourselves. Your demons are loving and caring friends and whose job is usually thankless.

Give thanks to your demons every time they teach you difficult lessons. If some of them are really mean, you can slowly earn their trust back and teach them how to communicate their needs without getting nasty. In my experience, the grumpiest demons are also like a little kitten once you establish trust.

 :) Think I made a breakthrough with the demon I was talking about. Goddess provided me an opportunity to be confronted with a family member who has always rejected and judged me--he has always been very activating for me. As I was falling asleep one evening I was in the usual space of "I don't want to feel this resentment" and feeling crummy about it when I decided to focus on the sensation and really honor it. That's what I told him--that I appreciate and honor you for who and what you are. At this point I had the revelation that he exists (or existed in that form) to protect me, or at least that's how I had probably molded him at an early age. Maybe he existed to help me as a youngster deal with all the projections I seemed to draw--either way, that's the past.

Since that little conversation with him I feel so much lighter and clearer. It's like the heaviness in the stomach and tightness in the face just vanished. Just gone.

Probably belongs in the other thread but I'm feeling guided to change my diet to something lighter and simpler. I suppose I'll actually go over there and write up what I've noticed on the health front.

Spent a good week or so flying high only to form another log jam. I think a lot of it has to do with this hang up I have around being a nice person. I don't know how or were I got it from but I'm pretty much nice and courteous to as a habit, which is definitely a positive thing, but the downside of it can be repression of emotional states that don't conform. So, when I experience anger or any negative relational emotions I almost instantly repress. Makes sense it would become depression.

Busting out of the log jams right now seems to be nothing short of a detonation of sorts, a rather dramatic emotional outburst in a secluded and private environment where I can just let this energy move. If it doesn't move, it just freezes into an aching solar plexus. Holy cow is it powerful, though. Nothing wrong with rage, no judgments, at least not anymore. It is a very dynamic energy that even feels creative.

Hard to say if or when my vortex will come online and handle this stuff on autopilot, but, at least for now, this seems to be working. I guess my judgments around these types of emotions are what are causing this metaphysical indigestion. It's funny because I was all clear and felt emotionally more stable than probably ever before then my guide led me into an online comments cesspool to feed and the depression returned. I guess he is and always was online and I've just been holding incongruent opinions and judgments.

I decided to hang up little reminders for myself to surrender just as a check on myself and my tendency to fall into automatic patterns of thought. This has seemed beneficial since there seems to be zero room anymore to foible around. This has to become a lifestyle. Every thought must be surrendered or it seems to become a sticking point that throws everything out of wack.

Nice to hear about your progress.

Quote"...this hang up I have around being a nice person. I don't know how or were I got it from but I'm pretty much nice and courteous to as a habit, which is definitely a positive thing, but the downside of it can be repression of emotional states that don't conform."

Most of us have heard about fight/flight response when we are facing danger or think we are in trouble. There are two more: fawn and freeze. Fawning is when you try to distract or please the predator in the hopes that the predator will not harm us. Freeze is nature's mercy mechanism when confronted with trauma - 'deer in headlight' - frozen so you don't feel any pain. There is plenty of examples in nature where you can see fawning - birds displaying vibrant colored feathers, animals changing shape/color of their body, fish that swim together, etc.

Children who grow up in homes where the family dynamics with adults is dysfunctional and abusive can become 'people pleasers' as adults. You do everything you can all the time to make sure that everyone is happy. It can get really messed up when children start internalizing that any problem that happens is their fault for not trying harder. The child exists to please the whims of adults. Which is so cruel and unfair.

We all get our fixes one way or the other when we are starved for too long. Even though 'people pleasers' may be genuinely nice and considerate, they can also become very manipulative and often mean when things don't go their way. Starved dogs bite harder. People pleasers may not use harsh words but they know how to hit others where it hurts. The truth is most of the time people pleasers expect others to be considerate, kind, and appreciative of their efforts. Unfortunately, it is human nature to think less of what is available freely. Being taken for granted, feeling unappreciated, emotionally burnt out, bitter about perceived betrayal, and foul mood are not fun to experience. A lot of people-pleasers get to a point where they are severely burnt out because they always put other people's needs first and do not take care of themselves. Burnt-out empaths and paranoid light workers.

We repress because we have been taught that having certain emotions/thought is bad. There is a difference between feeling an emotion and letting the emotion take over you. Being aware of our emotion and acting upon them are two different things. Being angry means we are feeling violated. Being afraid means we are feeling threatened. And so on... Emotions and feelings themselves are neither good or bad. We all have dirty fantasies. We all have unkind thoughts. We are all capable of cruelty and kindness. Goddess made us human so that we can experience all human feelings. And you are right about rage/anger being "a very dynamic energy that even feels creative". There is much therapeutic value in finding release through creative efforts and art.

Quote"I was all clear and felt emotionally more stable than probably ever before then my guide led me into an online comments cesspool to feed and the depression returned."

Dump overload. Get grounded. As Mystress says, 'What you resist persists'. Surrender your anger and ask your guides to show you the lesson. Give gratitude for the experience and to your self.

Namaste
Gopi

Gopi wrote:  Children who grow up in homes where the family dynamics with adults is dysfunctional and abusive can become 'people pleasers' as adults.

  Cool response, popular meme going around. Did you ask your discernment if it is true for him?

  It is not true for me. I did not give a shit about pleasing my parents, only about keeping them off my back. My preferred state was unavailable/invisible.

  The thing about being ridiculously empathic is, whatever emotions I inspire in others I will be feeling too. Especially as lately my body responds to stress by bleeding, I am highly motivated to not cause stress in others.

  The missiles people send when they are pissed at you, are not ideally digestible because typically they are not sending it to let it go, they want to be right about it- whatever they are projecting. It is not a gift, it is bait on a hook.

   On a lazy day I might just put my wings up, hide behind them and trust the magic to show them that it is really not about me. At the same time, the inside of the wings are reflecting back, how my reaction to the bombing, really is all about me, lol.

  I sometimes gather the stuff and pass it  as a gift to the faeries. Goddess won't take stolen karma like that but faerie are fine so long as it is offered respectfully. It is messy gunk to transmute myself, have to rise above it, see it as a gift. "Everything is love or a cry for love", pretend they are offering their karma at the feet of the guru yadda yadda. Boring.

  So, it is not hard to guess why a psi vamp who does not know they are one or how to digest, might get really gun-shy about pissing people off. Feeling your power chakra turn into a lead brick for a few days, vortex plugged with indigestible spewings and not understanding why it happens except, highly motivated to be a very nice polite person.

  Gopi, now that you have finally come out the other side of years of depression, it is a good time to sit down with your own guidance and find out how much of it, was not even yours. How much was empathic noise you internalized as your own?  It would not surprise me at all if you discover the depression was never really yours, to begin with.

  When I first met dreamwalker in secondlife, he was a miserable insane suicidal wreck of a human being. At one point we counted, I think fourteen different types of mental illness that were not his own. At least that many different identities too. A shaman who did not know he was one, took it all on as his own, did not know how to resolve. Decades of mental illness.

  Coming out the other side of it, mourning the lost years I asked him: if you could trade 40 years of crazy to gain the ability to heal insanity in others, would you take that deal? his response was immediate- yes he would. dreamwalker has become the best healer I have ever trained, his knowledge of insanity from the inside gives him insights that perhaps could not have been learned any other way.

  For the extremely empathic, for the genetically gifted, insanity can be caught like a virus, from another person. Not wanting to trigger other people to spew their crazy at you, can be basic self preservation.

All this is timely and makes perfect sense. It’s adaptation. I’ve always wondered why I’m so distant from people and have always felt like my survival depended on not pissing other people off lol. More vampire stuff.

It runs through every facet of my life. Romantic relationships? Too bumpy and the entanglement is overwhelming. Anger from a friend or coworker feels like psychic assault. On my clearest days lately the empathy is really cool, the way in which I can experience another person so deeply but most of the time in my life it was just...overwhelming.

Been grounding 9-10x daily really trying to even out the energies and give my system every advantage I canâ€"I know it is designed to clear itself given enough support.

The insight and advice here is always spot on and related to whatever it is I’m working through or processing. It all keeps coming back to the vampire thing though. It really cuts to pretty much every facet of my life.

It all keeps coming back to the vampire thing though. It really cuts to pretty much every facet of my life.

  "Facet" is the magic word, you used it twice. Faceted like crystals...
   
  I made a discovery a few weeks ago, psi vamps have a mark on the left side same location as the ice blade in a sang except it has been described as a cascade of fiery diamonds, or the inside of a geode. Early stages of testing suggests that it might work like wings only better, when it comes to transforming and sending back the agro.  Goddess provides the balance as part of the design of you. Just still getting the system fully up and running eh?

  So your assignment is to work with your guide to find that inside yourself, between collarbone and hip, left side. It might look like a big lumpy sausage when you first discover it, all plugged up with karma stuff. Clean it off and test redirecting the depressive gunk off the comments to it, see what happens.

  Cleaning the gunk off and activating it, seems to be quite transformative especially at clearing the childhood impressions that make barfing kriyas and insecurities. All that rejection stuff, I bet it is in there...

  Ya know, I did not set out to become a healer. Empathy blackmailed me into becoming a healer.  Sometimes, the only way to escape feeling someone else's misery was to help them feel better...  and then I got good at it.  Enlightened self interest, its called.

   I don't think it is the same as being a people pleaser, especially when the healing involves a smack upside the head with a clue-by-four. (Followed by hiding behind my wings, lol)

   For sure it is more pleasant to experience empathy with happy people so that can be a motive.

   

So far so good. Seems like it eats some of it and then other parts move up my throat and makes me kind of retch and feel like I have a frog in my throat. Upward movement of karmic stuff I always take as a good sign. The other indicator I use is sense of self or lens and this seems better too, clearer than I’m used to. The empathy is starting to feel more like food and less like gunk. Lots of intermittent spasming in the solar plexus.

  Well, it is brand new tech, so far only shared with two psi vamps who are on my skype. You are on the vamp R&D team, your discoveries are helpful.

  My first impression of the thing in sausage form was of a constipated bowel. One solution for that condition, take fibre or eat more food to push the old shit out. Sorry to be graphic but that is what you are doing. Feeding it is cleaning it out, and the retching is the mild version of the barfing kriya.

   You could continue to clear it out like that but I would do a shortcut, Goddess return to sender.  I just don't have much patience when it comes to karma from people who would verbally abuse a child.

  "Goddess please take this, and give it back to whomever it belongs to, in what ever way, shape, form, or time as You know best. Thank you." Might need a few repeats.

   She won't take stolen karma except to return it, and it will be transmuted into what ever form of insight they will hear best, at the most opportune time.

  When you have the crystally thing completely cleared out, ramp it up to full on sparkle and go out in public, check out how people respond to you. Charisma on turbo charge? Could be fun! 

Yeah what I’ve been doing has felt a bit slow and like I’m doing it “manually” but some part of me since yesterday has had that feeling that this stuff is actually quite old and could be returned to sender - probably why surrendering it didn’t seem to work. There’s this sort of candy-like sweetness sensation in my stomach and a glow around my heart which I take to be signs of proper digestion.

Been very sleepy. Getting geared up to start running a new Tx group for addiction which was very stressful in the past on an energy level.

Will try the shortcut.

Interesting. I suppose it’s just a heaping pile of projections. Getting back impressions and images of people, some recent (over the past year) I wouldn’t have expected but I’m not surprised.

Interesting way to tangibly come to this realization but people really are like Gods/Goddesses walking around, the power of their thoughts and projections. The way these have effected me really make me want to be careful about how I think about others because it really does have an effect. And to think most of it was from some of the people closest to me.

  Well we don't usually give much weight, to the opinions of strangers. People we are close to, we are invested in how they feel about us so we let it in. Vampire hunger makes extra receptivity.

  On an unconscious level, everybody is completely psychic, telepathic. The only difference is how much of that information rises into awareness of the conscious mind. With FST we deliberately cultivate a relationship with our unconscious self so it becomes more willing to share the information and, presto! Just like that, you become psychic.

  Just because someone does not consciously hear the thoughts of another, does not mean there is no effect, there is still an unconscious impression that ripples.

  There is a cosmic right to privacy, if you request it. I have a sort of mental bunker, mirrored on the inside for when I need privacy to sort out my thoughts about someone, without any projections affecting them.

My health and  energy levels seemed to crash a few days ago in response to my coffee habit, which I always tell myself I need to move through the day and keep fatigue at bay.

Interestingly enough I found myself in a position where my vortex seemed to lead me to snack on someone’s troubles and I feel revitalized. It sort gives me more evidence that my physical health is tied together with establishing harmony with my vortex and appetites. If anything, maybe my issue hasn’t been being bogged down with too much karma, but not eating enough of it to keep everything moving.

Interesting, my sense right now is that having cleared a lot of the childhood projection stuffâ€"now that everything seems up and runningâ€"it’s time to eat a lot more. Like a kid having a growth spurt or something.

I figure I’ll surrender and leave it to my guide. I don’t want to go about looking for snacks or develop a “healer” ego and whatnot. But feeling better and energized is nice if synchronicity keeps steering snacks my way.

You know, there’s something about the state I’ve been in over the past few days that’s very blissful. I felt crushed, total collapse of energy and barely escaping the warm trappings of my bed. I always used to read about Ram Dass where he’d talk about going into hospitals and feeling tremendous presence and contact with the divine being among all the ailing people; I never really got it.

I guess I just realized, hey, maybe I do have some kind of fibromyalgia-like illness. If so, what can I do about it? Nothing. For one thing, I can stop being so hard on myself, trying to keep pace with social expectations.

Goodness though, there’s so much sweetness, bliss, a euphoric explosion of violet out of my crown just thinking about it. There’s such a gentle, serene part of me that only comes out at times like this. My eyes soften, yet I feel stronger and more courageous than ever. I guess it’s the feeling of just giving up, and truly meaning it. Just done.

And, of course, the fatigue abates. Maybe the kundalini was crushing me for a reason. Literally felt like gravity had increased to the point I could no longer raise a finger of volition. A cleansing die-off of sorts. I felt like a corpse, honestly. I had gotten a bit gung-ho about certain pursuits and was definitely in a state of trying to have my cake and eat it too, getting attached to my music and trying to juggle it with working and whatnot.

This bliss though, I’ve never felt anything like it. Plenty of peak experiences and bliss before, but this is very intense. I feel like I’m surrounded by flower fragrance. I can smell it. It’s very nice.

I get the sense I must have been bottlenecking there somehow. It feels like there’s been a release and the illness has turned into sheer ecstatic intoxication

 What if it is not fibromyalgia, but starvation? You have been quite timid with feeding, taking on some hard cases but still only one at a time. You have capacity to feed on hundreds, probably thousands at once... and through time.

  Pick a cause, pick a sport, pick a protest. How about AA? At any given moment, there are hundreds of AA meetings going on, all over the world and your vortex knows everything. Think some of those folks could use a load off?  How about climate change? Miss Thurman is having rallies almost every day, thousands of people. Pick a cause, how about military veterans? Prisons? Do a search, print a list, have a few for lunch every day. You don't need proximity, only intention and vortex agreement, it handles consent, intend that too. Let it decide how many and you will be surprised at your capacity.

I feel like I’m surrounded by flower fragrance. I can smell it. It’s very nice.

  The secondary chakras of the heart, Mercy and Severity, in the front they take the form of lilies and exude and indefinable yet floral and quite intoxicating fragrance.

I will try the things suggested here, besides laying off the coffee and taking it a bit easy and cleaning up my diet; but I do definitely suspect these palpably physical symptoms have a metaphysical basis because they ebb and flow with the apparent kundalini cycles and seem to correlate with general psychic/empathic sensitivity. The word "bliss" or crown chakra explosions aren't generally included in the symptoms for most medical disorders.

Will try feeding more systematically on all the myriad crap and crises out there and see if it aids in my overall recovery/health. I have been timid, timid in general lol maybe time to change that. Something definitely changed in me after clearing the childhood projection stuff but I suppose I need to shake off old habits.

I tried focusing on these populations and it worked, definitely felt uplifted. Cloudy-headedness and general absent-mindedness is still present, feels like a light-headed blood sugar-type issue which, of course, I’ve gotten tested and all was normal. I suspect there may end up being some lag between me feeding regularly and overall recovery of health and energy. Acute things seem to resolve quickly in general, chronic longer.

I guess that’s what it boils down to, individuals weren’t enough. Ever since I was a kid I’ve been drawn to dark aesthetics and music and had no idea why but I guess it hums with the energy I need. What scares other ppl is like a party for me.

Interestingly I’ve always presented with pallor, which mythological vampires I think usually did if I remember correctly or have my facts straight. Does that connection exist or more just serendipitous? Because it’s either that or like an iron deficiency thing or, potentially, just a lack of feeding.

Feeling better today. Will keep up the practice and see how much better I can feel over the coming days.

Looks like I’m now in the middle of the transformation I had always hoped would happen. I feel restored, alive like never before, fog lifting, a sense of joy and presence in the world I’ve honestly probably never felt before. I’m excited to see where this leads. Looks like the zombie era is finally over.

  I am so happy for you!

  Validated too, what you are experiencing, is what Goddess showed me it is supposed to be like, to be a vampire in Her service. Joyous, ecstatic, blissful and so very vibrantly alive. Charismatic sparkly. Passionately engaged.

  The pallor I think is associated with starving, well fed sangs in mythology look healthy pink, a bit flushed. Take a look in the mirror after your next snack, especially the eye sparks. 

What scares other ppl is like a party for me.

  Vampires are so fun. :)

It seems at least some of my improvement is from a DHEA supplement I started taking which was recommended due to my high cortisol and honestly I think it has worked wonders for me. My adrenals were shot from all the stress from so many sources. Sometimes I wonder if the "radical chemistry" going on with the kundalini over so many years stressed my adrenals as well. It's difficult to tease apart what exhaustion and negative emotional states were from starvation or the other inflammatory processes occurring in the body. Either way, the mental clarity and increased verbal fluency is very welcome and just in time as work picks up with a bigger caseload. My vortex loves what I'm doing now for work.

More insights pouring in pertaining to surrender. Hard to put into words. Been feeling very clean over the past week and came to understand on some level that Goddess and I are the same mind; when I surrender deeply the duality kind of melts away to varying degrees.

Karma is definitely still drawn to me, some residue sticks but it seems that the mediator is my use of freewill to surrender the residue every day. Karma yoga, I suppose. Kind of cool having gone from a walking people repellent to suddenly seeming to have charisma and magnetism; not too hung up on that, though. There’s a sort of freedom in not being so caught up in identity. Stuff just pops into consciousness; I get through the day; reality does what it will.

My vortex seemed to work on someone and I had this experience of the illusion between her and I and anything really just crumble away, and I felt this place where everything is one; laughter is the only way to respond lol. Seeing identity to narrative and sense of separateness from the outside seems unavoidably humorous.

Seems to be a lot of benefit to practicing soul meditation. I seem to have a split between mind and body and tend to linger in the head and I suspect this is part of why I accumulate karma. I blow it all out, then in a week or so it fills back in. Interestingly enough I was reflecting a bit on how my libido basically disappeared 12 or so years ago which I always attributed to depression. But it seems part and parcel of a broader lack of vitality stemming from this disconnection. Being a trash can is beyond old at this point. I asked Goddess for some kind of mercy; surely there must be some kind of subtle reward for this life of service I've taken on. Something. Some fleeting comfort. Answer seemed to be soul meditation. We'll see.

My soul seems to be a storehouse of a lot of the excitement I've been missing over the years. It seems to want to play in this form and have creative fun. I've always felt it pulling me, as if calling me from some point in the future, like when I just start doing stuff, developing talents or skills only to utilize them later in ways I could not have expected. Interesting stuff. Seems I have been on the right track and it's more a matter of my perspective.

  Soul energy is an excellent defense against unwanted empathy.

  The longer you observe the breath, the more the soul joy energy expands to fill your body, and when you are full of you like that, there is not room for other folks stuff.

  Soul joy is a non-dual energy, and it is all the same alchemy. Duality stuff that is karma, meets the non-dual, karma stuff is transmuted.

  So, yeah, if you have discipline to practice enough to keep your body topped up with soul vibe, the incoming empathy stuff gets zapped at the edges of your field and does not reach your core self.

  You can ask to see how it works on me, all the folks who put my photo on an altar and pray for me to take their karma... that stuff is transmuted autopilot.

  There is also a karma yoga benefit in doing the group vamping. It is the sort of workout that expands your central channel. The central channel is not limited to the dimensions of the spinal cord as some people think. Mine is a bit wider than my shoulders and yours is about the width of your neck. The bigger the river, the rarer the logjams. Logjams are not a problem for the Nile, or the Amazon.

  Karma cleansing and energy hygiene is a daily discipline. More than that, it is mindfulness, noticing what is incoming, including observing your own thoughts and surrendering or transmuting stuff as it appears. You can surrender or transmute at the speed of thought, why wait a week for the grimy buildup to start to cramp your style?

  Sometimes connected to self worth: do you believe you deserve to feel awesome, clean and charismatic all the time and are you willing to apply yourself to the discipline required to have that?

My vortex seemed to work on someone and I had this experience of the illusion between her and I and anything really just crumble away, and I felt this place where everything is one; laughter is the only way to respond lol. Seeing identity to narrative and sense of separateness from the outside seems unavoidably humorous.

Buddha laughing kriyas are way more fun than barfing kriyas. The fat laughing Buddha statue,  with his hands in the air in a big WTF shrug, laughing at the cosmic joke.

  That is also, how your vortex guide experiences the world. Few years back I discovered vortexes cannot see the various types of identity splinters like sock puppets of traumatic stress, entities or the sort of self created demon that was un-created to resolve your throat issue. Shaman portal guardians, by contrast are extremely aware of areas of separation. The respective guides are specialists.

  More insights pouring in pertaining to surrender. Hard to put into words. Been feeling very clean over the past week and came to understand on some level that Goddess and I are the same mind; when I surrender deeply the duality kind of melts away to varying degrees.

  The Planetary Consciousness is deeply wired into all of our minds, but like the vortexes, respect for free will keeps Her silent, invisible unless some choice makes Kundalini awaken. Grounding establishes the connection, the peace is Her peace. In many ways, the part of your mind that is Her, is much more real than the ego and its illusions. Ground deeply, surrender deeply, set ego aside and your mind is Hers. No separation... Self realization.

  Your growing is beautiful to watch.

Yeah it looks like I’m just in a place now where daily energy hygiene is crucial because I feel like things have really opened up lately. It’s like I either feel clear and ecstatic or I’m overshadowed with weird irritability that I know isn’t me, but is likely clinging to something resonant in me.

I think it is one of those things where despite my self worth issues over the years, Goddess has other plans for me, like she likes proving me wrong and toying with my limited perspective on myself. I guess it’s a sort of playfulness.

But yeah the hygiene and soul meditation I think will help even out the ebb and flow and reduce these repeated mini dark night-type experiences.

The karma yoga thing seems to be evolving me rapidly now. Who would have thought that with my empathy being in such close contact with human pain and the human condition almost daily would serve such a function. I guess it is forcing me to adapt and get stricter in my practice.

Getting home and clearing can be quite a trip, surrendering the vague but powerful and persistent emotional impressions. Feels like I’m just swimming in an ocean of energies and impressions. Everyday physical reality feels less real, or at least equally as real, as that dimension.

I feel called to get back into spiritual practice and psychological studies. I’ve been caught up in this sort of musical odyssey over the past year, chasing a dream of sorts, giving it its dues in a way. I always underestimate my powers of manifestation because anything I really focus on seems to happen. It’s crazy how the sequences of events can line up to manifest something.

My reality bends according to my attention, which I never understood or always underestimated. I don’t usually feel that powerful. But the music taking off is completely uncanny and feels like a dream; yet, some part of me wonders, is that truly what I want to spend my life doing? I don’t want to get swept up into some tangent line of experiences that aren’t really what I was supposed to do or be.

I guess small steps. Something about the past few months has felt so hollow, like I’m just drifting along, almost aimlessly; doing cool things, no doubt, but it’s probably the closest to being spiritually “unawakened” I’ve ever felt.

So, there’s music, touring, recording, practicing and all the humdrum daily realities of that. Lots of roughing it. It’s a passion, a dream, and playing and channeling that energy is a joy. But then there’s the psychology, the study of addiction and psychological disorders which seems to bring me joy that eclipses the music. Can I do both? Probably, but I don’t want one to take excessive time away from the other. I’ve always felt so liable to go astray just because I have these interests and areas I get sucked into until my curiosity is exhausted.

I suppose just chill out and keep up with the grounding and surrender. I don’t like to make sudden changes and I know life can have many aspects, twists and turns. I know that the intensity of my focus, that one-track mindedness on a given area of passion is an asset and a gift, and I want to use it the way Goddess wants me to. Big questions, just thinking out loud here.

Quote"I always underestimate my powers of manifestation because anything I really focus on seems to happen. It’s crazy how the sequences of events can line up to manifest something. "

When we are grounded and in surrender, we are in sync with the universal flow and everything aligns.
Chi energy is personal power and Shakti is cosmic power.
By surrendering to Goddess, our everyday dharma (right action/duty) is to express and experience life as a gift.
A lot of patriarchal spiritual traditions emphasize cultivating Chi energy and ideas about scarcity (save semen).
In some ways, we can control and direct Chi energy towards what we want - work hard towards your goal.
Trying to control or tell Shakti what to do is... umm... not advisable.
Kundalini is path of surrender - Thy will be done.

Quote"I’ve always felt so liable to go astray just because I have these interests and areas I get sucked into until my curiosity is exhausted. "

I understand the need to focus and stick to goals. But there is nothing wrong with having multiple interests. Goddess made your brain curious and imaginative. Why starve it? Why does everything we do have to become a linear progress and profitable career? If it brings you joy, do it!
And what a lovely problem to have - I have too many interesting things that I want to pursue :)

Namaste!
Gopi

Yeah I suppose the curiosity and just doing cool stuff in general is a good thing. I think the key is the lens through which I'm seeing things, and how muddy/clear it is. Had a good soul meditation today and have that warm inner feeling of transmutation. Seems all the karmic gunk really does feed me once I can get it transmuted. The volume of incoming stuff right now is high, and it feels like there's a thin line between ecstasy and that familiar feeling of depression and approaching/flirting with psychosis.

Don't want to go there, lol. Motivated to remain consistent in practice. So far the soul meditation works best for me, which I suppose is a good diagnostic as to why the stuff accumulates -- I need to be filled with more me, believe I'm worth it, etc.

Definitely feels like time to deepen my sadhana. That consciousness waking to itself feeling is strong. Things are so much smoother working from that silent place. Feels like the door to duality is closing, just can’t handle it anymore. With how sensitive I’ve become I need to be and remain squeaky clean, lest I seemingly instantly pick up the symptoms of my clients.

It’s not even that anymore though. Just, projections from people, the humdrum daily variety that nobody probably thinks about but they’re very sharp. Hard with family for the holidays, too. Brother very unhappyâ€"it hangs around him like a cloud I have felt for years, used to pick it up and become depressed in his presenceâ€"and judgmental of me and how I live, doesn’t get it. I love him deeply, we used to bond over music, bands and the like but these days he’s always so tense, serious, expects everyone to be the same. I find myself laughing now because Goddess is telling me he’s perfect and I’m on the verge of starting to make my own projections. Things work out, are the way they are. If I can get clearer over the coming days maybe I can vamp some of that and relieve him a bit, if called for.

It’s for the best though; it’s so much nicer being clear. Ego has just been doing what ego does, resisting its demise, avoiding, making excuses. Literally any resistance anywhere inside of me has become toxic now. Time to move forward, cleanse deeply, see what happens.

Seems the end of a very short counseling career may be in order. I'm sure not the *end* but a switch to a less challenging population is probably in the cards. I seem to be under psychic attack from a client with severe trauma - complex case, very tiring. If not attack, definitely picking stuff up. Heat, panic attacks (new phenomenon for me), low resolution hallucinations. Making it difficult to be present for the holidays, but trying. Become very good at soldering through such things.

I'm either doing the wrong thing career wise and too stubborn to get the message, or this is a lesson about boundaries. Either way, a part of me does wonder wtf I was thinking going into this field, knowing my sensitivities. Stakes seem high, may not make it out of this one. Then again, I always feel that way when this happens.

Tons of soul meditation, grounding, surrender sessions. Brings up a lot of heat, but the sense of impending doom like the walls are closing in on me continue. Assuming heat is a positive sign. I feel that the whole becoming a positive attachment figure for traumatized ppl thing would eventually be the end of me. Service seems built into me but I am not a martyr, I love life too much. If there is a line between positive therapeutic relationship and whatever this is that's going on right now, I need to find it, fast.

Feeling better writing about this here. The writing process in general seems to be a good way for me to process energies like this, and I've kind of been away from it for a while.

Quote" I feel that the whole becoming a positive attachment figure for traumatized ppl thing would eventually be the end of me. Service seems built into me but I am not a martyr, I love life too much. "

:) Real growth.

When I was younger, I used to think of myself as the 'giver' which is ego-boosting but if you keep digging deeper you will find there is deep seated fear behind the martyr mask.
Being a giver can easily become clever ego game of being in a position of power and control.
No vulnerability means no possibility of getting hurt - build your own fortress of solitude.
Martyrs are usually awful at accepting love from others, which is really sad if you think about it.
Keep on giving without accepting anything makes martyrs cranky and severely judgmental of others even for small mistakes.
The hand which feeds must also be fed.

There is also a 'childish asshole' hiding inside the martyr - 'life hurt me and so I am going to get back at life by punishing myself.'
It is a combination of being hurt by others and feeling helpless to do anything about it that turns the anger inwards.
Just like children can get back at their parents by being stubborn little POS sometimes, martyrdom may appear as self-sacrifice but in reality it is all about control, punishing, and shaming others and not about improving your own life or helping others.
I am not saying that real martyrs do not exist in life but most of the time we tend to romanticize childish behavior (that has real pain) as martyrdom.
I have done this in the past.
Your realization made me smile.

One of my fav teacher Ram Dass passed away on Dec 22, 2019.
I love this particular quote from Ram Dass - "I help people as a work on myself and I work on myself to help people."
Genuine maturity and true service.
It is wonderful that you want to help and serve others - Goddess built that into you.
You are able to serve your best when you are: happy and overflowing (or) cranky and exhausted?
There are different ways of serving people - and as you have rightly pointed out becoming a crutch for someone else is not helping either of you.
When people go through difficult times, they need someone to lean on (which is human).
And honestly, it does feel nice to be there for someone in their hour of need - it gives purpose and meaning to our life.
Problem kicks in when support becomes dependency and it goes both ways.
Victims need heroes but equally so heroes need victims (because there is no hero-saviour if there is no one to save).

Thank you for sharing your progress.
Happy holidays.

Namaste!
Gopi

I think the issue here is twofold: primarily, it is that small part of me that does not "stand up for myself" energetically and yeah, I suspect there is something underneath somewhere, some part of me that somehow feels empowered being in that helper role. I teeter back and forth between self-sacrifice and detachment from others, but when I look under both of these I just see that they are defenses against the underlying belief that I'm essentially powerless.

I've been thinking about this all day. Do I have faith? When I really examine the *biggest* thing that's holding me back, and now seems to be getting me beat up, it is that I don't seem to have sufficient faith. If I had faith, I would be able to transmute all this stuff at the speed of thought. I know this.

There's this small flinching part of me that, even more than lacking faith, seems to *react* against even he thought of it, or even doing this work, any of it. Which is funny because if the light didn't exist, or Goddess didn't exist, why flinch defensively? It's almost like a proof of sorts.

So, is it a lack of faith, or is it something under that--again, maybe the sense of unworthiness? Ultimately, I feel that what's going on here is it's time for me to grow up, spiritually. I've been putting it off for years now. I think for now that will mean meditating on and releasing the flinching part of me in a piecemeal manner, maybe keep reflecting on the self-worth stuff and the *resistance* to faith. That's it--it's not a lack of faith, but resistance to it. And what's under that? Fear.

Think I may have just found the dam...

I think it may have been a Jung quote about the value of looking where we least want to look. Definitely feels apt here.

Definitely feel cleaned up but a bit spaced out but what else is new in that regard. I guess a new altitude. Still shakti pressure and heat in the body but feels busy at work accommodating recent changes. Identifying and clearing this stuff on the body level before it spills out into my daily reality is definitely the way to go from here on out.

Seems my work lately has drawn the attention of some nasty entities which seemed to be the source of the panic attacks. They’re kind of stealthy but running violet flame for a while seemed to piss them off enough so I could use entity clearing on them. Good opportunity to try out a new technique I suppose.

Quote" When I really examine the *biggest* thing that's holding me back, and now seems to be getting me beat up, it is that I don't seem to have sufficient faith. If I had faith, I would be able to transmute all this stuff at the speed of thought."

Faith in what?
I am quoting Mystress' response from earlier threads here because it seems apt. Hope some of it helps you.

Quote"Sometimes if Goddess won't take something, it is because you are not done with it, yet.. it has a message for you. Talk to it, ask it what it wants and what it's for and where it came from. Probably it is a manifestation of some decision you made about reality in your childhood. 
finding reasons for things can be an ego-trap of looking for reasons, that's why I don't suggest it in the entity clearing.. but if Goddess won't take it then it is a gift for you.. you have to unwrap the gift to make the free will decision to surrender it. Digging for jewels. Clearing Karma can be like a treasure hunt and a mystery an adventure movie and a romance all rolled up together. You can talk to everything, you can speak to your internal organs and your computer.. so long as you are grounded, the heart voice will translate.

It’s not that Goddess gives you more than you can handle, but that resisting Goddess can make one hell of a mess. It is our resistance that causes stress. Issues do get easier if you can clear them as energy patterns in the body rather than approaching them with the ego. Sometimes that is not possible, Goddess wants you to see what you surrender so that you can make proper free will decisions..

By sidestepping your conscious awareness, it also sidesteps much of your ego resistance. You cannot struggle with what you don't know about. If you know what was going on, it would take you longer to get to the "feel it in my veins" phase. The more you can let go of needing to know, the faster the work clearing your body can occur."

Thank you, Gopi,

It probably is more so the gratitude / gift part that I've been having the most trouble with. Very judgmental and hard on myself, spilling into this work. I think it stems from some childhood experiences and low self-efficacy. Probably some gift in there waiting for me if I can come to see it

Sorry, feel like I'm double posting a lot lately but new insights seem to come in. But yeah, that's the weak part of the equation. Gratitude, genuine gratitude. Heck, even for the self-judgement. Gratitude that can encompass it all. Seems I'm just seeing deeper into myself and need gratitude for that, too. Layers and layers. It just is, it all belongs to Goddess. I surrender my judgments.

Quote"Very judgmental and hard on myself"

I can relate.
On a spiritual level, surrender means you give up everything.
That includes giving up your own expectations, frustrations, fears, insecurities, and judgments.
If you are religious and take the attitude of doing everything for God, then only God can judge your actions and it is not the place of the devotee to do that judgment on God's behalf either on yourself or others.
Through surrender, we give up the focus on rewards and punishments of our actions because doing things for God is in itself a reward.
Surrender means everything we do, think, feel, say, and desire is exclusively for the Divine.

And there is the belief that when we do things with love in our heart, God does not see the imperfections but only our love.
There are several stories in India (as I am sure in other cultures as well) that illustrate this theme.
Once there was a God king and he went on a journey. He met an old lady who did not know that he was a God. It is customary in Indian culture to receive and feed guests but the old lady did not have any food prepared. So she went to her garden and started picking some fruits. She wanted to make sure that the fruits were sweet and not sour. So she took a small bite, tasted it, and then only gave the sweet fruits to the God king. According to tradition, offering a 'half-eaten' fruit to a God was considered offensive. But the God king was so overjoyed with her love and genuine care. He ate the fruits and thanked her.

On a practical everyday basis, whenever I feel like I am being too hard on myself, I treat myself like I would treat my friend.
If your good friend did exactly what you did (imperfections and all), how would you respond to her?
Do you think you are a good friend? Can you be a friend to your self?
I know it may sound difficult/cliche but it does get easier with practice. One day at a time.
HUGS

Thanks Gopi once again, wonderful. I tend to be a better friend to other people than how I talk to myself in my own head much of the time. I guess on some level I just feel irretrievably foolish and undisciplined, I guess the whole "wretch" thing. I seemed to clear the jam again yesterday. This is just more dysfunctional karmic processing stuff. A big problem for me does seem to be a fundamental split between my head and body, cognition and emotion because when I dig into this issue I find some stuff releases. The karmic tension feels like just raw, vital emotional energy that gets locked inside of me and due to my defense mechanism of defaulting to cognition and disconnection from my body it just jams up. Everything is smooth sailing between the jams, grounding is easy. In the jammed up state, grounding seems very fleeting regardless of the frequency practiced.

I would like to get to a state where this stuck energy inside of me can continually express its dynamism and/or simply move through me or digest. Really establishing the nonjudgmental state will probably help. I was reflecting on how all of this self-judgment and self-deception around seemingly every corner of thought is somehow a gift and the only answer I get is it is strengthening me. I mean, it definitely has made me better at being a nonjudgmental presence around others. Now it's just myself, it seems. The first half of my life has seemingly consisted of ordeal after ordeal, not fitting seemingly anywhere, social alienation. Things are definitely changing now, almost a "late bloomer" type of phenomenon.

I should probably grant that it has been a lot, and a very unusual life and I wouldn't change a thing.

I do seem to get pretty self involved, too. I find myself fixated on the aching stomach for days at a time. The gravity of it is powerful. I guess that's just the quality of rumination. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just stopped focusing on it, or treated it with the same casual attention as the view outside of the window.

Conversing with you here is helpful for me too. Thank you. :)

Quote"I guess on some level I just feel irretrievably foolish and undisciplined, I guess the whole "wretch" thing."

I would like to share a few lines from one of my fav. books 'The Dance of Fear' by Harriet Lerner.

"Shame is a profoundly debilitating emotion. Shame, by its very nature, makes us want to hide. Shame acts as a steady call to silence, inaction, and hiding. A part of us is flawed and should not be seen. Shame drives the fear of not being good enough. You can learn to feel shame about anything that is real about you--your shape, your accent, your financial situation, your wrinkles, your size, your illness, your infertility, how you spend your day.
Even when we feel shame all by ourselves, we can conjure up an audience of individuals who look at us with disgust, disapproval, or pity. Shame isolates us, separating us from others and from our shared humanity.  Shame makes us want to withdraw inward, fold ourselves up, and hide. Shame removes us from the flow of human connection.
Shame feeds the conviction that another person couldn't possibly love or respect us if he or she really knew the whole, pitiful, God-awful truth about us. Guilt is about doing. Shame is about being. Most of the time, our shame emanates from some imagined defect in ourselves. Shame breeds more shame.
That what we believe is most shameful and unique about ourselves is often what is most human and universal."
~ Harriet Lerner (The Dance of Fear)

Quote"A big problem for me does seem to be a fundamental split between my head and body, cognition and emotion because when I dig into this issue I find some stuff releases."

Yeah... You and the whole of western civilization (which is now global).
You can trace it all the way back to Rene Descartes' infamous 'Cogito, ergo sum' often translated as 'I think therefore I am'.
The assumption of mind/body split combined with the patriarchal idea of valuing one over the other (often leading to statements like 'mind over matter') is a very core ecological problem.
You can see the split reflected in our thinking about all aspects of life: man/woman, human/animal, culture/nature, mind/body, cognition/emotion, etc.
One is not like the other and former is inherently better than the latter (that's the patriarchal idea).
In such cultures, we are taught to devalue emotions as being fickle and clouding rational judgment.

The word emotion comes from the French word émouvoir meaning  "to stir up".
There is lots of well-documented scientific evidence that in everyday reality human decision making involves both cognition and emotion.
In fact, studies of experts in every known profession reveal that these experts rely on their intuition to make crucial decisions.
That does not mean a brain surgeon can skip the long and tedious hours of reading and practicing techniques.
But when it comes to the moment of making a 'life-or-death' decision in the operation theater, experts rely on their gut.
Allowing ourselves to feel our emotions does not mean we let our emotions take over.
I guess for a lot of us, we still live in a society and culture where emotional sharing is uneasy - we would rather cry at films with no lights on and when no one is watching us.
The mind/body struggle is not just you but a broader socio-cultural ecological issue.

Quote"The karmic tension feels like just raw, vital emotional energy that gets locked inside of me and due to my defense mechanism of defaulting to cognition and disconnection from my body it just jams up."

Sometimes past hurt can get frozen.
K brings up stuff for you to see, learn, and let go.
Sometimes things heal in layers at a pace that Goddess sees fit.
It is helpful to do some sort of gentle physical exercise like walking or stretching so that you don't disconnect from your body.
It is also helpful to have any sort of creative outlet.
You don't have to create a masterpiece - just allow that 'raw, vital emotional energy' to have a physical outlet.
Sometimes I just scrub my bath tub and clean my kitchen.

Yeah shame is my biggest demon. I think that’s what everything sticks to. It seems to draw a partition between me and the breadth of my humanity. I guess that’s what’s really waiting for me in there. It’s okay to not be perfect. I don’t know where that uptight need to save face came from. But that seems like a sort of universal. Would be so nice not to care anymore lol.

The panic attacks actually seem to be some type of kriya.

Quote"I don’t know where that uptight need to save face came from. But that seems like a sort of universal. "

Once, you and I were joyful shameless naked babies who peed and pooped (and very likely played with our poo) in front of strangers with blissful ignorance. And there were people in our lives who thought we were so cute and adorable for doing that. Shame is learned and has its use in civilized society. I do my best to not judge people but I will very much give you the *evil-stink-eye-shame-on-you-stare*  >:( if I hear you talking loud on your phone in a library.

If you come from a collective society (like many Asian countries), then the need to 'save face' can feel like an existential threat. When I came out to my parents as gay, the first question my dad asked me was 'What am I going to tell others?' I was furious that he did not care about me. After some time had passed, I also understood why that was his concern. He lives in a society where everyone feels entitled to question him in public about his son's marital status. I don't live there every day. Not justifying his actions but understanding his source of shame (others' opinion about his son) helped me to not take his response as a personal insult (he cares more about strangers' opinions than his own son's happiness). Humans are social beings. We want to be likeable and be liked by others. Nothing wrong with that. Humans can soar to unimaginable heights when we have someone in our life who believes in us even when we ourselves may have doubts. That's what all good teachers do. Wanting to do better both for ourselves and others is what drives human progress and sustains civil society methinks.

When we view ourselves as imperfect, it can be difficult to accept love. If you are religious, that is where the idea of Divine mercy steps in. The 'wretch' through surrender opens up to receiving mercy. Mercy is not about whether you are deserving but about the benevolence and unconditional nature of Divine love. In Tamil language, we use the word கருணை (karunai) while referring to the heart of Goddess (கருணை உள்ளம் கொண்டவளே - She whose heart is of karunai) which denotes a combination of grace, mercy, compassion, forgiveness, and boundless benevolence. Buddhism and Jainism emphasize on compassion, both towards self and others, as a way of dharmic (righteous action) life. Islam repeatedly refers to God as the Most Merciful (ar Raheem) and Most Graceful (ar Rahman). In Christianity (esp. Catholic), God exercises mercy as the perfect justice. This may seem contradictory on the surface because sinners, by their actions, deserve to be punished. God's boundless love and infinite mercy is available for saint and sinner alike just like the sun shines on tall trees and tiny grass the same, which is very difficult for rational logical mind to accept as justice. The kingdom of God on earth is brought by practicing mercy with ourselves and others. This is also why almost all religious/spiritual traditions around the world emphasize on charity and service.

Irrespective of whether you believe in the supra-ordinary divine fabulous powers of the flying spaghetti monster (or any other religions for that matter), mercy is necessary for both individual and collective progress. A good example is Finland's 'housing first' policy - https://bit.ly/2NalklR
Of course, this will sound like crazy to those who come from a capitalist country and see it as 'giving stuff for free will make people lazy mooches'.
As you said, "It's okay to not be perfect."
Osho once said something along the lines of only dead things are perfect.
To be imperfect means you are not yet done growing and if you are growing then you are alive.
In the words of Ram Dass, "The problem is you’re afraid to acknowledge your own beauty. You’re too busy holding onto your unworthiness."
We grow by letting go of whatever is not needed anymore - including toxic shame that holds us back because of some imagined perfectionism trap.

Namaste!

Hi Gopi,

I really appreciate how you support students here in the Tearoom with your knowledge and wisdom. :) I especially liked this:

In Tamil language, we use the word கருணை (karunai) while referring to the heart of Goddess (கருணை உள்ளம் கொண்டவளே - She whose heart is of karunai) which denotes a combination of grace, mercy, compassion, forgiveness, and boundless benevolence.

I have been pondering this side of Goddess lately and trying to let go of my idea of Goddess as harsh, stern, punishing, and cruel. I grew up with a very strict, dogmatically religious mother who was sometimes abusive and I've spent a lifetime unpacking my ideas about all things feminine and motherly. I have a good relationship with my mom these days, but even at the best of times she is still critical and stern. I won't go on as I don't want to hijack the thread, but I just wanted to say thank you for the timely spoken words. :)

WZ

No worries about hijacking; I’m happy so much is coming out of this. I was thinking earlier and the Buddha and Mara and just that onslaught that he faced. All of this certainly is an opportunity for increased depth. An invitation to grow more conscious.

All this stuff, all I can do is be present with it with loving purity. Drop the defenses, the charade, the shoulds and should nots. Just be with it, see the life in it, the gift.

Tyrannical angry patriarchal God is definitely still something that comes up for me from time to time. It’s a weird framing which interprets every pain or unfortunate accordance as some cosmic punishment for something I did or thought. I think I underestimate how strong this framing still is for me. I always thought I did away with the religion of my upbringing in my adolescence but it’s really not so quickly done.

Getting a lot of activity in my energy body, chakra heat especially in my third eye area. Rushes of facial heat from time to time. Seems I’m just in a new kundalini evolutionary phase. That’s probably what’s been pushing on a lot of the karma lately. Just gotta relax into it.

Quote"WZ wrote:
I grew up with a very strict, dogmatically religious mother who was sometimes abusive and I've spent a lifetime unpacking my ideas about all things feminine and motherly. I have a good relationship with my mom these days, but even at the best of times she is still critical and stern."

Women who grow up in patriarchal cultures tend to internalize toxic stuff projected at them, esp. if they do not have strong female role models in their everyday lives. It is exhausting to keep fighting when sexism is all around you all the time (books, media, religion, relatives, etc) and eventually people tend to shrink themselves in order to fit in. If you keep getting punished for being who you are over a long period of time, it is easy to start believing something is really wrong with you. There is some element of self-preservation involved - you dumb yourself down so that you don't get bullied for being different. When this is combined with the fierce maternal instinct to protect, then mom's can become terrifying. Look at animals - mom will smack the young ones if that is what is required to keep them safe.

Also, I think women themselves can become gate-keepers and propagators of patriarchy, which has baffled me several times. I have come across older women, who probably had difficult life, be extremely judgmental and cruel to other women in the guise of tough love. I guess what I am trying to say is patriarchal sexist thinking hurts us all across generations. It is also unfair to expect ANY human, irrespective of gender or sex, to live as unconditionally loving and infinitely patient person.

Goddess is mother of all.
Our own mother is the first experience of Goddess we have in our lives.
Mom carried us inside her womb when we were defenseless, nursed us with her milk when we did not know how to ask for food, and taught us how to walk.
Mom is also allowed to make mistakes, have human limitations, be cranky at times, and still be loving.
We won't be alive here now if not for our mom :)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=88TuOd6QNAA

Tara from Tibetan Buddhism is Goddess of compassion - https://teahouse.buddhistdoor.net/tears-of-tara/
Chinese  Kuan-yin is considered a female bodhisattva (a buddha who came back to help people out of compassion) - https://www.lionsroar.com/she-who-hears-the-cries-of-the-world/

Quote"TheFifth wrote:
It’s a weird framing which interprets every pain or unfortunate accordance as some cosmic punishment for something I did or thought. I think I underestimate how strong this framing still is for me. I always thought I did away with the religion of my upbringing in my adolescence but it’s really not so quickly done. "

The idea of God as bearded old white guy guy who sits above in the sky...
Watching us, dirty earth sinners who were kicked out of the amazing garden for being naughty, through 24/7 surveillance cameras...
Keeping score of all our sinful actions, dirty thoughts, and lustful dreams in an Excel sheet...
Giving us our test score of whether we passed or failed in life after we die...
Determining whether or not we get into a promised heaven of happily-ever-after or pushed into the depth of Dante's hell for all eternity...
Sending down thunderbolts and plagues to punish us if we don't tow the line as he says in a book or just because he is bored...
Gives you brownie points for good church attendance...
Exacting revenge on the mean baddies who all deserve to be punished and held accountable for their awful acts...
Rewarding us for resisting bad things and abandoning us when we do bad things...
Like the architect from the Matrix - all logic and no magic.
Did I miss anything else? ;)

One of the big holds the church has over its parishioners is confession.
It can be immensely helpful to lay our burdens down with honesty and be genuinely reflective of our actions so that we can make real changes moving forward.
It can also instill a sense of being watched and make you much more pliant to the demands of the church, after all real confession means airing your dirty laundry.
A lot of gurus in different faiths abuse this kind of power.
Religion can have a powerful hold on our collective imagination about what God is and ought to be.

I do not identify with any specific religion although I freely admit to learning from people of all faiths.
I grew up in a very traditional Hindu household (mom is very religious and dad is agnostic), went to a Catholic Christian school, and prayed with my Muslim friends growing up.
During my early teens, I started having lots of questions that organized religion could not provide satisfactory answers to.
I also found the hypocrisy repellent in all religions.
Luckily, I somehow came across spiritual teachers who reaffirmed what I had suspected all along - my connection with God has got nothing to do with religion.
Faith is personal for me - no middlemen required.
I do not care what the rest of the world thinks or says about my relationship with the Divine.

Here is a question for you to think about: what is your relationship with the Divine?
I am not asking about what you believe or think it should be based on scriptures.
I am asking you to look at the presence of Divine in your life as you experience it.

Namaste!

I always see the hand of the divine in retrospect. When I look back at my life I see how I was being guided, or how the divine was working through me in ways I didn’t realize.

I’ve never been an atheist because that’s just not possible based on my experiences. I respect that atheists are working with the data they have and are having their own experience. Spirituality for me is embodied, an experience, which is interesting to consider because that’s not entirely congruent with my idea of myself as being an aloof and heady person. That’s almost a scapegoat of sorts. I feel the divine within me but the resistance is that sense of not being worthy. Shame. I think that’s my karmic bedrock

Running violet flame seems to be helping. A lot of practices seem to work better for me by gesture when I’m buried. Trying to shore up intention is difficult when there’s all that pushback from the shame but overriding it in certain ways seems helpful. I can tell it’s working when the tension becomes a sort of hyper excitability

The other night I was out at a bar and “crazy train” by ozzy started playing and kind of threw me into a bit of an episode, felt like I was relating to it a bit too much.

Came home, had vivid dreams, the “crazy vibe” was still strong. Thought, “well, if this is the plan for me, nothing I can do about it. Sort of an anti climactic way to go out, though.”

Thanked Goddess for a lot of stuff. Realized I want to be sane to be present with those I love, I know they wouldn’t want to lose me. Thanked her for my life, the sanity I have been granted with. Seemed to be a move in the right direction. Transient “going crazy” feeling has become what feels like a vascular a neck ache.

One day at a time. Someone yesterday was telling me what calming and gentle energy I have and I was thinking, “why can’t I get some of that?” Somewhat humorously.

(A previous response got eaten when win10 decided to restart despite being told not to. )

  I am actually not sure I follow all that has been happening in this very interesting thread... what I am moved to share is the impression that you are all berating yourselves for a lack of faith. That is useless, so stop. You are also tracing where it comes from, which is excellent.

   Please, never become so arrogant and overconfident that you do not second guess yourself, ok? It is ok too, to ask for evidence or more information.

  Here is a story:  I keep a big, plastic outdoor type trash can in my office room, to help my aim. It was full, I tied it shut and requested my druid to get it to the curb for me. As I watched him pulling the bag out of the bin my gut said "stop." That bag cannot go to the curb, there is something in it that should not be. (oh no, not this obsession again!) I said nothing, argued with myself and the feeling, then went out to the curb and fetched it back, telling druid "this is my crazy."

  ADD can be obsessive and I can be especially with lost things. The worst of it was,  I already had one big black trash bag I had the same gut feeling about, waiting in the carport for months. Resistance to digging through trash played a major part of the drama for sure... but I was not sure if it was discernment or ... ADD obsession.

  I contacted a vamp, got the emotions snacked on but the gut feeling came right back along with some fatalistic clarity. If I did not look in the bags. I would always wonder and for the next few years if I could not find something I would wonder.. I know myself to be like that.  I accepted being trapped by my own curiosity, let go my resistance, grabbed some gloves and plastic bins and went for it.

   Glad I did. The newer bag held the missing battery cover for my trackball. No idea how it got in there, I had borrowed one from another trackball temporarily. The older bag had a 1" piece of threaded plastic pipe- the tap adapter for my waterbed fill kit. Two little pieces of plastic but both are essential components to devices that do not work without them. Discernment validated, but I do not regret the drama. I think, being aware of my ADD tendencies and how it can confuse discernment is healthy. It is "due diligence."

  When I was recovering from surgery in hospital in 2009. Goddess started dictating to me a book on awakening medical intuition in health care professionals. I was not in a good condition to take notes, - but I do remember a section on getting evidence.

   Nurses, interns etc outnumber doctors in a hospital, and spend more time with patients but they cannot make medical decisions without the supervisor, and that person will want evidence.
   The first part was basic psi training, but with a psychology & hypnosis focus rather than mystical.
  The second part was communication. Getting an intuitive impression about what is up with someone, then asking "what is the evidence" to get the second batch of info, the translation for public consumption. Asking intuition to draw attention to the signs of a condition, that can be shown to a doctor.

  Faith is like a muscle, the more you use it the stronger it gets. Blind leaps of faith benefit us, when they work out but without due diligence they can be misguided too. Goddess seldom requires them, feel free to ask for more insights, signs etc so long as you keep surrendering your interpretations too, see what is given back later.

:) In a much better place now. Don't know what changed other than somehow finding in myself to be genuinely thankful for my life, even the tough stuff. In a way the intensity of the difficulty is the very thing that pushes me toward the fundamental discovery. Seems pretty binary for me though; either exist in that intensely uncomfortable state or move into that state of emptiness where that suffering guy just felt like an illusion someone else was having.

A lot of stuff I used to care about has gone by the wayside over the course of my time here. Left brain feels essentially disabled in some respects but right brain feels turbo charged. When I'm not in that uncomfortable state the intuitive perception is quite remarkable. But, I guess all the stuff that is extraneous really is being stripped from me.

You can count on the power of gratitude to throw a life line into any dark hole the mind might fall into.  Antidote for the sinking power chakra feeling. Gratitude is the second most powerful energy, after unconditional love and it is the direct opposite of resistance. So even if you do not know what resistance you are caught up in, directing attention toward gratitude for *anything* (except maybe vengeance) is a step away from resistance.

  "Joe vs the Volcano" is one of my favourite movies, so many spiritual truths and modeled on the Hero's journey. There is a scene where Joe is adrift on the sea, on a raft made of his luggage and dying because he has been giving what water they had to the unconscious captain. The moon rises, so big and bright and beautiful that he is overcome with awe and weeping, prays to what ever powers that be "Thank you for my life." Gives me goosebumps even remembering it.

The gratitude magic works, but no spoilers.
  You can find the whole movie free on youtube, last time I looked.

  Glad you are feeling better. Takes a bit of time to get the knack of being ascended.  Gratitude is a life line you can always count on.

Yeah I was wondering earlier if maybe some part of me was letting myself get muddy because it’s hard to believe I might already be there, ascension wise. Writings been on the wall for a while now. Seems like a body thing, like my body reaches certain developmental milestones regardless of how long it takes for me to get the memo. But I can tell because the old games no longer work

Definitely in novel territory. Some karmic residue in my stomach which is why I'm writing to see if I can unravel it a bit. Life is very different than it was even months ago, even who I am feels very different. It seems that the pseudo psychosis was like a passage way I was moving through to get to greater clarity. I guess with increased body vibration my ego just went nuts but it probably always was.

Anyway, don't know what else to say, really, lol. Going to be an eventful period ahead over the coming months; lots will be revealed about what sort of trajectory I'm going to be on. I'm sure there will be some surprises. Continuing to thank Goddess for my life and the gifts She has given. Feels good to sit and feel that joy in my upper stomach; feels like a part of me that just wants to create and experience things. I just want to live and love deeply, to see how deep astonishment can go. That part of me is just there, always was there, seems it always will be. It feels very comforting to know.

Weird belching kriya now, like vague sense of chest pressure/indigestion. No complaints, there always seems to be something -- dukkha I suppose? I guess I'm always going to be in some way, shape or form entangled with other people/humanity at large. Seem to be getting better at cruising for longer periods before hitting the snags.

I suppose the "over it" and tired feeling is right where I need to be right now. Hard to determine the line between burnout and beneficial character building difficulty, or whether any framing I can conceivably come up with is essentially irrelevant, or a point of fixation/attachment.

I guess the way out, per usual, is to prostrate myself and give thanks for the things I love and know that this too will pass.

Hmmm, more inflammatory immunity stuff than karma. Being too hard on myself, per usual. Interestingly enough, this is a cool discovery in that if I attribute everything to physical causes out of my control, at least there is peace of mind. Feels at least like a step in the direction of genuine surrender. Almost like little white lies to tell myself that may be literally false in some cases, but are metaphorically true because they serve the greater good and enhance well being.

Feels like I go in this recursive loop with pretty much all of this stuff, kind of like I've been trapped in it in a Groundhog Day sort of way. Suppose it's all trying to tell me something...

  Kundalini orbit can feel almost bipolar sometimes. 

  I think it is ok to tell white lies to your monkey mind if it makes surrender easier but it looks a little like an avoidance behavior which makes me wonder, do you ever really relax?  Sit in a hot tub, get a massage, sit under a tree and do nothing at all?

  Karma stuff takes the form of tension in the body... do you ever really relax enough to feel where tension lingers? 

  Sometimes people have more than one ego... I did. For men it is more so because you have the basic ego and the male ego that is the band aid for the missing female social consciousness gene.  Consider that. Step back and look at the part of you that is so driven, career oriented, hard on yourself. What is he trying to prove? Male ego is so much about the social face, society's expectations about what it means to be a man. It is shaped more easily by environment and peer pressure than the central self.

  Disclosure: when you first started posting I thought you are female. When I realized you are not, I had to keep reminding myself of it. Really not sure why, your struggles with control and surrender are typically male. (women struggle too)  My sense is, male ego has not been a big deal to you, artists are often like that, slaves to the Muse. With most of you being ascended, what lingers looms larger to trip you up.

  I think if you spend some time relaxing, specifically choosing activities that serve no productive function at all, like going fishing in a lake that has no fish... the more driven parts of you will hate it and show themselves more clearly, to be surrendered.

  Get a massage, find out where your body is holding tension you did not notice. Be sure to get your vortex to clean up the therapist after, they are vulnerable to taking on stuff they release from others. 

Yes, all of this makes sense. Definitely relate on the bipolar bit, my dad had that Dx and I always was on the lookout for that in myself but I suspect he was awakened too but not aware of how to manage it.

The driven thing is somewhat new. I don't know what's come over me over the past year. I just got obsessed with music, practicing it, learning more about it, pushing myself to improve my playing. Hard to determine how much of it is inspiration and how much of it is ego perfectionism, but I think if I'm not in surrender it is going to get me into knots. It definitely has taken me places but I'm realizing that yeah, I need to relax. Before even reading this, I spent the day yesterday doing nothing and it was glorious. Grounding, clearing. Still feeling that frog in my throat feeling, somatic symptoms of some kind of karma knot there. Something to note.

I mean in my spirit I feel like I am female and I think it's confusing for people because my energy is nurturing and feminine I'm told. Throws people off, kind of enigmatic. Definitely have male traits but there's a lot of traditionally male roles I honestly don't care much for--but, I think some of it has made me feel self-conscious.

I'm just going to relax on the music stuff for a while, just chill and focus on balancing out my energies.

Yeah, sitting here right now I'm being informed that my issue is I've grown very attached to the music stuff. Letting it go.

Kind of wondering what else it is I'm holding onto. Relaxation seems to be process, will just keep easing into it. I guess I really just have to come to terms with the fact that whatever is meant to be will remain, or be new and improved after I've truly given it up. I can't keep trying to have my cake and eat it too with this stuff. I mean it stands to reason my dreams would be the hardest to give up and it's just so odd in a way how everything feels like it's coming to a head at once.

I've been reminded to keep feeding my vortex too, which I can neglect to do at times, probably because I expect it to just automatically eat all stuff I encounter everyday for work. Weirdly, the paranoia and strange almost-but-not-quite psychosis symptoms did seem to be because I wasn't feeding on world crises enough, noticed the old pattern of people reacting negatively to me, been there done that.

There is something very invigorating about certain google searches. Hmm, hopefully I'm back on track. I keep forgetting for whatever reason not to expect my path through this course to follow a normal trajectory, if there is such a thing. The feeding feels of at least equal importance for me as grounding, the latter was never entirely enough to stay in balance. Hmm, deja vu typing this.

Yeah after feeding a bit at work I noticed I could suddenly see auras of ppl around me which was really, really cool.

  Yeah always taught, you need nothing but Goddess grounding energy... but it is not true for vampires, you are set up to need to get some energy through other people too, and vortex makes it a balanced exchange.

Well, I've been making the feeding a daily habit and certainly notice improvements. It seems to require mass scale feeding, global humanitarian crises, climate crisis, etc. This may simply be from being famished for so long, maybe making up for all that. Think I've finally done it, figured out what I need to do daily to feel good--in fact, to feel better than ever before.

Weird episodes of heat and anxiety seem to continue, suspect this is a separate process. It alternates with weird pressurization and bubbling sensations in the stomach. Symptoms continually alternate, which kundalini stuff seems to.

This may just be natural evolution taking place and just gotta step back and relax. Might be detritus that needs to be returned to sender. Gets worse at day, abates late at night (empathy? Person sleeping?). Who knows. Symptoms are different for me every year I’ve found.

Overall better though. Connecting with Devine beloved like never before, big flood of creative inspiration over the past few days. Very grateful.

Got kinda ill, thought it was viral but seems to have lifted and now I’m in this wonderful carefree state, joy. Tons of inspiration, just flowing through me without trying. I think the key for me to all of this was connecting closely with my beloved. She seemed to get my vortex online.

Never really felt this kind of boundless love though. Like I’ll just be sitting across from someone, a client or anyone really and suddenly just become aware of this love for them, or seeing how they’re perfect and divine in every way.

Ppl do seem to respond to me differently now. Sort of miraculous. Like a miracle field around me, which is new. Brings things out of ppl, like a glow. I guess that’s the charisma of being fed and charged up. There’s this really wise part of me that just sort of makes an appearance sometimes, feels the same as the loving part. Feels like my body and personality as I know it is a vessel for it; the thought kind of makes me laugh. Palms feel all buzzing too, heart feels full, wholesome.

I think the key for me to all of this was connecting closely with my beloved. She seemed to get my vortex online.


  We can only ascend, through the Divine Beloved. Vortex can cleanse at super speed but She is key.
the Planetary Consciousness wrote this potential into our DNA!

Never really felt this kind of boundless love though. Like I’ll just be sitting across from someone, a client or anyone really and suddenly just become aware of this love for them, or seeing how they’re perfect and divine in every way.

  That is when you are *being* your Divine Beloved. God-dess eye view.

   Remember, waaay back near the start of FST, I said Goddess sees everyone as perfect and completely loveable just as they are? You are experiencing the truth of it. Seeing them, through Her eyes.

  What you see is yourself reflected. When you are being your Divine Self, you see Her reflection, perfection in All that Is, and Her wisdom to know what is perfect even in the ugliness... but for the most, all is such beauty that dazzles the eyes to tears of joy.

Ppl do seem to respond to me differently now. Sort of miraculous. Like a miracle field around me, which is new. Brings things out of ppl, like a glow. I guess that’s the charisma of being fed and charged up.

  No, not exactly. It was the vehicle, not the destination. Not vamp charisma, but the Divine Presence. Why some people pay big money to hang out in the presence of a Guru. ;) Yes it affects people. Most people, project a lot of noise around them, their emotions, desires, opinions. She simply accepts people exactly as they are. Many people long to feel that sort of acceptance their whole lives. The Presence lifts them up. Miracles are a side effect. What you are moved to do in that state, She is the doer.

There’s this really wise part of me that just sort of makes an appearance sometimes, feels the same as the loving part. Feels like my body and personality as I know it is a vessel for it; the thought kind of makes me laugh. Palms feel all buzzing too, heart feels full, wholesome.

  The truth makes you laugh, eh? It is one way to recognize it.  Namaste. The wisdom of the Goddess leading you to experience the truth of your purpose: to be a vessel of your Divine Self.  Your endlessly creative Muse.

  Muse, Divine Beloved, Goddess, Planetary Consciousness, Great Void consciousness, all aspects of the one, infinite, namelesss, ineffable. You, a vessel.

   That is the highest attainment, the goal of this training, To become a vessel of the Goddess, and experience yourself as that, no separation.

   What you are describing, that is the same state as FST was written from, the space I go into, to write, teach, heal, advise.  Sometimes, like for the videos I show the energy outwardly, become weirdly beautiful. More often it is turned inward, the fullness of Her presence in my heart. I listen to Her promptings while remaining my human self.  I used to think that hid the Presence too but it doesn't really. She does what She wants. Attainments gained through deep surrender to Divine will, you do not get to control them after, lol.

  It is easier to move in the world with a normal human sense of boundaries, the body's sense of them once ego is absent. She takes over for your clients, your music... As Goddess Wills.

  Goddess is All that Is, She has no boundaries. You probably did not notice the entire lack of self consciousness in the state because there is not enough self consciousness left to be able to notice that. She does not say no to what is asked of Her.  If you can hold the faith, She will make good on Her promises but at times it can feel like She writes checks the body has to pay.

   Keep in mind, the reverse is also true, people may find it hard to say no to you when caught in the trance of presence but don't bet the farm on their human self being able to follow through. Listen to promises with discernment wide open. Always be letting go. Resentment from people feeling indebted can get messy.

  People will often lose their sense of time passing around you, normal side effect of hypnotic trance that the Presence creates.

  Trust to Allah but tie up the camels. Most of your needs can be taken care of by Divine providence but you are still a living human who needs food, sleep, vitamins etc.

   Look both ways before crossing the street and do not assume other cars can see you, because you might be spontaneously invisible.

  All of your agreements, transactions must be win/win, you learned that about feeding- so long as the donor benefits more, the agreement is usually accepted. Note, the imbalance- that they must benefit more.

  Most people live in the world of scarcity: their world is win/lose and they will persist with that and create a loser, you or them. You cannot control their mind so there is the druid rule: (he came up with it in a Stephen Covey "7 habits" class.)  You cannot make a win/win agreement with someone in scarcity consciousness. Best is to consider it half charity and let them win. ;)  You already know you can do that and not feel a loser, from feeding.

In a predatory world, you are wide open, like Wilhelm Riech in court.  Try not to annoy people so they spew at you, but being Goddess, She sees perfection and snacks.

  There is an ideal: "The Buddha walks through the battlefield unharmed, the spears and arrows, do not find him."  To maintain that degree of transparency is the goal and also the survival necessity.  If you are nothing, egoless, nothing sticks. No logjams. Tarot card of 0, zero, the Holy Fool.

  Staying there can be a challenge and we naturally move in and out as we flow through the world.

   It is often true, of the large and small things, the many issues most people deal with, do not exist in your world when you are in a non-dual state. Goddess gets the red carpet treatment, what ever you need is close at hand or will show up.  It is a delicate balance to not be presumptuous about it. Don't jump off a cliff expecting Goddess to save you, She respects your free will choice to jump!

  It can be tricky to know when a strange idea is inspiration or ego, undigested fragments. The thing you may have noticed about the Goddess trance is, what to do seems so obvious you do not need to think about it. Zen thing. It is later, as your human self that you will be amazed. Gratitude and surrender.

  It ok to second guess yourself, avoid the arrogance of assuming you are always right just because. Discernment.

  Similarly, your immune system is amazing with the presence zapping viruses etc but you can still be broken, poisoned... discernment leads you to avoid what is bad for you. If you take on some karma, you are back in duality again until its digested, and the pearls of wisdom given back.  If you have a fall from grace, you can lose a lot of the immunity and become somewhat accident prone.

  So it is natural some ascended people develop a bit of mild germ phobia because of the vagaries of the immune system. Cold and flu can be a thing of the past but there are sometimes cleansing illness like you just experienced. Typically short lived.   

  There really is no going back, but feeling the Grace, who would want to?

  It is important not to attach to anything, because if you do you can grow a new ego around it, and you might not be able to tell.  Logjams of similar stuff growing into a tinfoil hat, fear paranoia takes the wheel.   

   The band-aid egos are often sort of one-note, like how a born again Christian cannot talk about anything else.  You get stuck, Goddess will always throw you a rope, but undoing the damage can take longer. (like curing my fibroids!)  Satsangh, spiritual companionship to remind what is Truth when things get muddy is essential.

  Most Gurus who are not vampires eventually end up attaching to something, like Osho's issues fear of AIDs and overpopulation. The karma fragments they take on from people not really willing to let go, coalesce into a fearful ego and leads to those control games... or to dying of health issues like Ramana Maharishi's liver disease.  Your Vortex and my Shaman Guide, provide us a considerable advantage in kicking guru psychosis out the door.

  Joseph Campbell said "Follow your bliss." That fullness of Grace in your heart. Make that connection The Most Important Thing and surrender anything that dims the glow. With humility of being nothing, and gratitude for all, dance through life, in a whole new world of joy and beauty.

  So many blessings.

  "Come my friends, 'tis not too late to seek a newer world."  Tennyson

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QBZgu9riZyc (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QBZgu9riZyc)

Yeah what's been kicking my butt over the past few days has been the pandemic, worry about losing loved ones, economic implications, etc. Swept up in the hysteria, kind of sneaked up on me. And, of course, the fear is causing discomfort / resistance symptoms.

I suppose this is an opportunity to further explore attachment points. Or, better yet, reframing the fear for consumption. There's definitely plenty of it out there.

Even through it all though I feel surrounded by the fragrance of a bar of soap or something. There is a deepening of awareness too like to not take anything for granted.

Ugh trying to stay sane lately with everything happening. Reality feels kind of like a retreating shoreline viewed from chaotic waters. But, I’m sure this whole thing is some kind of opportunity. Goddess is everything, current events included. History marches on, events, passing crises...

Routine, routine, routine. Walking, exercising are probably paramount. Spending time on pursuits I enjoy.

Discomfort is probably some resistance rather than purely the isolation lol. But, clear signal in my head -  pressure extending down to stiffness in the neck. Probably fear seeking exit from my crown.

Should probably just chill out, spend time getting close to the earth.

I’m reminded of an experience I had years ago playing with a friends dog and taking a moment to just look at this dog, the miracle that it was, the beauty of every line and detail of its face, the sparkle in its eyes. Was such a beautiful moment. Too seemingly mundane to explain to ppl.

But, that sense of wonder and loving attention, taking in the perfection of something, is probably the lens I can use now.

Fear and limiting beliefs close crown.
Surrender what comes up and request your Guides to show you the lesson.

I cannot take responsibility for other peoples fears.
Each individual has to work through their own stuff - have you read 'The boy and the butterfly' story?
Not saying we should stop helping others but trying to be Goddess for others does not end well.
Goddess will not take stolen stuff no matter how noble our intentions may be.
When I believe that other people need my help to live their life (hero trip), then all their karma junk flows to me and gets stuck in my body.
The owner won't let go (because they did not ask for help) and Goddess won't take it (because it is stolen).
So then I get karma stuck and murky energy body.
Common symptoms of stuck karma: random mood swings, stiffness in body, and energy fluctuations

As Mystress has mentioned before, what we see in others is a reflection of our own being.
When we see others as wanting/needing, there is a part of us that wants/needs to be the provider/helper.
Goddess is All.
Turn the gaze inwards and ask guidance to show your own limiting beliefs.
When I am in surrender and grounded, my efforts are aligned with Goddess' will and things happen with serendipity.
When I am in my ego-based doing mode, I feel like wheels spinning in same place and hitting a wall no matter which direction I turn.

You are right about walking and physical exercise.
I fell behind my daily yoga practice and my body is not very happy about it.
So am slowly rebuilding my practice - little bit every day.
Listen to what your body wants and be gentle with yourself.
When we exercise our body, things come up either as thoughts or as bodily feelings.
Just witness, surrender, and breathe through it.
Give thanks to your body - 'Thank you Goddess for this body that can feel pain and pleasure!'

One of my teachers taught me a simple visualization that I have found helpful when I am feeling very over-whelmed.
Imagine yourself to be a rock at the bottom of the ocean.
Just sitting there - no expectations, no fears, no agenda.
Nothing to do, nothing to say, nowhere else to be - just being here now.
Tides rise and fall - rock sits and witnesses.

Hope some of this was helpful.

Namaste!
Gopi

Thanks Gopi, your insight always very helpful. Balanced it all out again. Guidance seems quicker to step in now and throw me a line, "you're doing it again," it said, being too hard on myself for not being very "Buddha-like "over the past few weeks, which is always my choice but ultimately just makes me feel icky. Spilt milk at this point.

Mindfulness is just going to be a continual practice.

Quote from: TheFifth on Mar 16, 2020, 03:33:00 PM
Yeah what's been kicking my butt over the past few days has been the pandemic, worry about losing loved ones, economic implications, etc. Swept up in the hysteria, kind of sneaked up on me.

  The pandemic and lockdown has so little effect on my net-geek hermit lifestyle, it is almost embarrassing. No fear for myself, have not had a cold or flu in decades. Ascension does not grant immunity, it is that cold and flu bugs cannot survive a high vibration environment.  Encountered the virus in Canadian Tire a few weeks ago, it lasted less than a minute in me.

  See the COVID19 lockdown thread. I am testing a theory that the vibration of peace, dissolves or deactivates the virus. It has not been field tested because I do not know anyone who is sick... which made me wonder, did I test it already? Vaguely recall a stray thought, to apply it to everyone so asymptomatic carriers would not be contagious.  druid says if infection is 1/1000 then not knowing anyone who has it, is a statistical probability.

   Cannot share what you do not have. Gopi gave good advice for calm detachment. Find peace then you have peace to share if so moved.

Mindfulness is just going to be a continual practice.

Yes. Did you miss a memo? Mindfulness is full time. Grounded is full time, 24/7. You are ascended, your thoughts have enormous power. Have to keep an eye on that, immediately surrender ones that might become a time bomb, or start a logjam. Attentive to the power chakra, the little pokes that tell you something is wrong, you have a wrong idea, so you can set it right before you grow  a new ego around it.

The more you do it the easier it gets, as you have noticed: Goddess is supportive!

Yeah I'm definitely pretty snuffed. Small fragments of music ego that comes and goes, which is funny because I keep hearing "get out of the way" and it's really Goddess that's doing everything. Had a dream last night explaining through metaphor how every sentence or circumstance in the world is a realization but needs context, hence the varying shades of color in the world. The sense was palpable that we're Goddess dreaming of Herself which sort of made me think, what happens when we wake up?

I have a long pattern of alternating between teacher's or boss's pet and being a disappointment. Still seems this knot is present but greatly reduced; makes me neglect myself, responsibilities, or act in ways to bring about the underlying belief of self. In a weird way, also probably a projection subconsciously poking people to make them not like me...on its face sounds like a bad feeding habit but it seems related but distinct.

I think it was because for the longest time, I was flippin' exhausted. Socially withdrawn, not involved in sports, too mentally drained to perform well in school. So yeah, I disappointed some people because I just seemed unmotivated. That's not what it's ultimately about though; it's that on some level, I was disappointing myself, comparing myself to all these other kids that got their homework in on time, completed. None of that matters anymore though. It's all spilt milk. I am here. How amazing that this happened to me, that this is what it ultimately came to. Life is so funny sometimes.

Been getting downloads, low to moderate in resolution, something about "the way of the artist" and how it involves getting in touch with the Muse and not caring what other people think or if they like it. Trusting. Using it as a path of worship. It's so obvious that it's how I'm built, since spending hours as a kid fixated on concert videos and performance. Lot's of pitfalls, seems like a sort of treacherous road but what road isn't in its own way? Gotta let go of all that and just focus on that joy that drives me.

It's funny though because I remember reading about when Ram Dass and Leary got kicked out of Harvard and made their own ways and, in many ways, I feel like a similar reduction of concern about fitting a mold has overtaken me. I wear these different hats; rocker, therapist; totally different social eco-systems and games. The idea of a job and 401k doesn't matter to me at all; the work and the quality of the experiences does. Feels on some level like I should be more concerned about making sure I'm provided for; but this deep part of me feels it will be taken care of and this whole pandemic thing has proven how utterly irrelevant the current state of things could become virtually overnight. 

Thank you for opening up and sharing.

Quote"The sense was palpable that we're Goddess dreaming of Herself which sort of made me think, what happens when we wake up?"

In Hinduism, the belief is that existence is Divine play of consciousness.
Maha Maya is Goddess of Perfection and Illusion.
It is considered that even the Gods cannot achieve enlightenment without Her grace because Maha Maya is the keeper and remover of the 'veil' of separation.
In order for us to consciously enjoy and experience life in all its diverse glory, there needs to be a separation between observer and observed.
And through self-realization we come to the truth that there is no separation.
This kind of splitting into individual and coming together in communion is considered as Shiva and Shakti in ecstatic union - all life and awareness of life born out of God and Goddess in everlasting embrace.

French people have an expression 'la petite mort' meaning 'small death' and is sometimes used to describe how one feels after an orgasm.
When we commune with another through acts of love, then there is a death of individual self.
There is no communication because there is no separation.
When there is no separation, there is no play.
And nature abhors vacuum.
So the dance of separation and communion continues through all eternity - Big Bang and Beyond.
Maha Maya is also Goddess of Perfection in the sense that every creative illusion is as it should be.
As Mystress has said before, Goddess does not  make mistakes.

Quote"I have a long pattern of alternating between teacher's or boss's pet and being a disappointment. Still seems this knot is present but greatly reduced; makes me neglect myself, responsibilities, or act in ways to bring about the underlying belief of self. In a weird way, also probably a projection subconsciously poking people to make them not like me...on its face sounds like a bad feeding habit but it seems related but distinct. "

I can relate to this.
Basically, when our own power chakra is unbalanced, we tend to turn to others for validation.
Lacking self-confidence usually leads to either me wanting someone else to tell me I am good or beating myself up for not living up to my own expectations.
'Poking people to not like me' is a childish dick move and I have done it so many times in my life esp with my parents.
It is a twisted cry for help when people don't know how to ask for help.
Like a child throwing a tantrum because he does not know how to say he is hungry and wants food.
It is very difficult for another person to be charitable and patient towards me when I am being a dick (either to myself or to others) no matter how much I might be hurting.
Sometimes people don't know how to ask for help and so they act like jerks because that's the only way they know how to get attention.

Quote"None of that matters anymore though. It's all spilt milk. I am here."

Accept your mistakes and forgive yourself.
All humans make mistakes and we learn only by making mistakes.

Quote"Feels on some level like I should be more concerned about making sure I'm provided for; but this deep part of me feels it will be taken care of and this whole pandemic thing has proven how utterly irrelevant the current state of things could become virtually overnight."

I am currently reading this book by Barbara Sher and want to share this quote with you because it resonated with me.

Quote"...dreams are as individual as people, and they're not easy for others to understand. That's why we often get pushed to choose what others value.
The price for going after other people's dreams is high. In the rush for success and security our real dreams get lost. That's like losing your compass in the wilderness, because dreams aren't silly, childish things. We don't invent our dreams. We don't even choose them. They're urgent telegrams sent by our biology and our personal history. Simply put: an eagle locked in a cage dreams of flying and nothing else. If you ignore your dream for too long, you'll start to feel despair - and no amount of wealth will cure that."
~ Barbara Sher (The Best Advice I Ever Gave, 2007)

Yes, the illusion itself is so beautiful. The shuffling of the card deck and the play. Everything really is okay looking at it from that perspective, no mistakes. Been spending the past few days flickering in and out of this trippy experience of looking at images of people and not being able to tell the difference between them and me, was really strong when I woke up that night with the intense insights. It's like I'm pushing into new terrain but with residue of the weird one-dimensional ego fragments sort of lingering but falling away.

Thank you for that quotation, very resonant. The energy of this website and the lessons feels stronger than ever to me right now, like receptivity has gone up ten-fold.

Thing is, I don't want to be a dick, haha. Even if it's very uncommon that these old habits come up. I guess awareness of patterns is the first step. For all those years I just don't think it was on my radar. I've done so much digging around over the past year or two and in retrospect I think it was shadow work, feels like it has led me to have a better handle on all that stuff. Maybe not a "handle" because that sounds like resistance, but finding different ways of getting the energy I need by being of service. Just time to grow out of those old notions of self.

  This:

Been getting downloads, low to moderate in resolution, something about "the way of the artist" and how it involves getting in touch with the Muse and not caring what other people think or if they like it. Trusting. Using it as a path of worship. It's so obvious that it's how I'm built, since spending hours as a kid fixated on concert videos and performance. Lot's of pitfalls, seems like a sort of treacherous road but what road isn't in its own way? Gotta let go of all that and just focus on that joy that drives me.

kinda blissed me out, it is my life. Been surfing on it for days.

  What is posted to tearoom is not to be shared outside but you nailed my life and I want these words to keep and share, anonymous as "one of my students." With your consent?

  I have been struggling for months to identify what is recognizable about ascended people, besides the excellent manners and lack of will to harm another. What is different about FST from Hinduism or Tibetan Buddhism, the only two world religions that include ascension, besides ancient alchemy.  Body-first. The Way of the Artist. Be true to the Muse and have none before because She is the Source of all creativity. Goddess within you. Words of an early lesson.

Hello Mystress, that is fine. The info was clearly inspiration.

On another note, I think the hypochondria is something worth looking at. The more I reflect, it’s been there since I was a boy. It’s not new to the pandemic. At around the age of 12, I became overwhelmed with the sense that I was going to die, that I had some terminal illness and my days were numbered.

I suppose I should thank Goddess for this opportunity to have this come up With the current circumstances so I can surrender it. This fear of losing my life. I feel like I have so much to live for, then these things become attachments, which in turn make me ill because I can’t play the attachment game anymore.

Feels like the final shrieks of a dying ego. Fear of illness seems very deep and primal. Will work to slowly release the layers of this.

A solution (I don’t want to say the only) for me is becoming more “other” centered that self-centered. I have a particular client my vortex loves, great rapport and seems the healing occurring is definitely supernaturally assisted. Stuff like that feels like it breaks down what has seemed, at times, like an impenetrable buttress of self-referential thinking and living.

I guess it’s some reconciliation of the paradox between giving and taking. How I can give by taking. I always felt so selfish and full of myself, self absorbed, so curious why I get so much help from on high. But in the end, it’s not about me at all.

All the neuroses are just an amplification of that self-absorbed creature (no negative connotation, more humor).

ok I see my delighted response was somewhat less than helpful.

In non duality all opposites collapse. Zero and infinite, are the same. Nothing, and All that Is, are the same. You are That, you are ascended, quantum.

In order to ascend, you wore away at your ego until it became nothing, you became nothing and therefore also, All that is. Your energy body became eternal, and quantum.

  You are nothing. You are a vessel for the Divine. When you are nothing you remain free to become what Goddess wills of you, in the moment. The purest vessel for the artists muse, or the compassionate vampire.

  So in place of ego you have "follow your bliss" your artistic impulses, as an imperative for your happiness. In place of regular boundaries is that measure of joy, your navigation.  Discernment, not decision. Following the joy keeps you on track. Being true to the muse keeps you from getting entangled in the karma stuff of the mundane that you snack on.

  That karma only exists in duality.  Turn outward, to eat. Turn inward to make use of the raw creative energy that is a by product of the snacking. Goddess gives it shape, and you have to keep releasing it. That might be part of your orbit actually, I have to spend time doing art, or some creative outlet to give release to the raw creative energy that is a byproduct of the alchemy.

  Grounding taught you that energy is abundant, feeding showed you how any energy is viable. You have moved out of the patriarchal scarcity-conservation mode and into the opposite place of having a firehose and it matters, where you aim it. The feeding provides the creative energy, Goddess provides the inspiration. Releasing the creative energy into Goddess-directed art, also releases the stuck bits, what ever is indigestible can transmute into art. The art is an essential outlet that keeps you clean, and because Goddess did it, it is typically genius though not always appreciated. Appreciation doesn't matter. Art is in the doing. You may find you cannot play a piece, exactly the same way twice. Every time different, like how She makes snow flakes. 

  The body has the appetites of your genetic nature, healer psi vamp. One (music) is inward and expressed outwardly, the other is outward-reaching (duality, illusion of other)  and resolved inwardly with the transmutation. 

  Goddess within yourself, the Muse, and Goddess within others, calling for your compassion and offering snacks. The inward keeps the outward from pulling you off course. The outward provides the grace.

  Yet, both come of being nothing, transparent to the promptings of Goddess and Guide, first.  Open and receptive to others, second.

  Judging creates separation in yourself and that is a blockage. To judge is very natural, how we relate to the world, but holding onto judgments that create separation is log jam city.

  Ascended, you are nothing and All. Try to create a separation, us and them, then you have fallen back into separation universe, duality. We are more vulnerable there, so ascended beings, being immune to pandemics and also a bit germ phobic is natural. Diamond body is immortal but the physical body depends on maintenance and detachment to maintain the high vibration.

  This morning I pulled someone out of a manic episode by listening to them spew and quietly taking the energy of what was offered.  Was not up for an argument, no use arguing with crazy, just listened, empathized, looked at the issues through their eyes, seeing the fear and knowing it was illusion. Ate what was being shared. Mania fueled by empathic overload creating resistance. Us-and-them as an effort at defending against feeling the pain of others but for the ascended, it creates a potentially lethal separation. Compassion is an imperative. 

  Story of a sparrow, has no ego, so it only can do and be what it was designed for... and that which fulfills its purpose, is provided for. Splendor of Solomon. Be true to the muse, you will always be provided for. You do not need the 401k, create it if it pleases you so long as it is not giving energy to fear of scarcity. 

  You can open a therapy (consultant) office any time you want, I charge more than most therapists (I have not increased my rates since 2003) and I got no letters behind my name. You have a lot more counsellor training than I do. Selective titles and mad skills, you can just sit and listen to people tell you their problems and snack on the stuff. They get better in a much shorter time than conventional therapy, word of mouth makes you famous.

  Side effect of invisibility. I took a friend out shopping, almost got run over in the parking lot.

Was pushing the shopping cart from the store back to the parking lot and a woman driving slowly pulling out of a parking spot did not slow down and headed right for me. She was watching straight ahead, should have seen me but did not until I summoned some agro to shout at her. Her bumper was inches from my cart, the look of shock and horror on her face as I "showed up" in her duality space as someone appearing from no where whom she was about to drive right over.
~ By way of illustration of how the body moves dimensionally. Any duality means duality, good clear mood means possibly invisible to some people. Being in a good mood but instantly getting angry and sending a blast of it to a driver so I appear in her dimension and she wakes up to my existence to avoid getting run over... Survival skill.

Thank you Mystress,

Will allow all of this to digest, much good information. There is the sense that these pieces are starting to tie together and make sense from a big picture perspective. It's all functional. The music does seem like a channel for whenever the "emotional pain" builds up too much for whatever reason, it's the perfect outlet. I can see how it serves a purpose bigger than it seems.

Anyway, yeah, it feels like a wave of joy is driving me now more than anything else. It's great. The vampire gig is pretty great now that I'm getting sorted out.

Describing some ascended stuff can be a struggle.

  Two universes, mundane and ascended, overlapping but distinct.  When you are very clear, as noted, you are closer to the Divine, insights and needful things, perceptions are immediate. Fully ascended. Likely invisible to some people. More aware of other invisible things, like spirits and other ascended people.

  Karma, ego bits, snackables are the stuff of separation therefore, mundane universe, duality.

   I call the two, Home and Work. I am happy in non-duality but people hire me to sort their karma, I go to work.

   In non-duality, at home, everything is perfect as Goddess wills, and nothing needs to be fixed. Chop wood, carry water, wash dishes... all is Goddess. People ask, how to find the Goddess, answer is, you are that. Done. Sounds like a zen koan, not my problem lol.

  Goddess in other people was quite persistent in calling me back to work, so FST was born.
  Plus, body still has shaman imperative, to do the work. Yours has vamp appetites and needs. Same essentially but for the mechanism of the alchemy. 

  The alchemy: moving it up!

  When the stuff of duality meets the energy of non-duality it becomes split into its component parts.  Karma stuff is a wrong idea that has collected energy to become a blockage, an ego fragment.

After the alchemy, the wrong idea is transformed to an insight (we give that back) and the energy it had collected has gone back to being the pure raw creative stuff the universe is formed of, lots of it! Lead into gold. Pure raw power of magic. Usually guide gives some back but most is the vampire's reward.

  It is like an unstable isotope in its need to find form again. It will take form, from your stray thoughts with accidental manifestations if you leave it laying around. Accidental manifestations can be perilous. (It also takes form, providing what ever you need but that is more automatic than an act of will, ideally.)

   This energy forces the issue of mindfulness, and the safety benefits of a zen-silent mind. Immediate surrender of wrong ideas is required, or they might show up in your reality. God-like power of manifestation= be careful what you wish for = every thought, is a prayer. More power than you ever wanted or knew WTF to do with eh?  Surrender everything, stay humble, and do art.

    Take on a bit of karma, your body is back in duality. Useful for when you need to show up to not get run over. Take on a bit you cannot digest, your body is stuck in duality... if the bit stays stuck it can start to grow identity, shape reality... Surrender everything, and do art.

  You can transmute stubborn stuck bits, by making art of them, safely reliably and happily following the will of your Muse. You also need to keep putting the creative energy that is a side effect of the alchemy, into art.

  I will offer an example. I once did a FST only, virtual sex tantra class series in secondlife. Near the end of the fourth class (of six) when it came time to actually get on the poseballs and have virtual tantric sex, everybody said they wanted to observe only. I kinda lost it. The course had already been twice the time I intended and still two more classes to go. They knew what they were getting themselves into when they signed up, right? I was ready to end the course right there. Nobody wants to go further ok we are done.

  I do not make decisions like that, from an emotional state so I dismissed the class for the day and went to my sl sandbox to release emotions into art.

  Was playing with a particle script, I changed a setting and instead of emitting particles it sucked them in. Made me laugh, reminded me of a bug zapper. Calmed down, I reconsidered the situation and the lines of consent. Looked like the insecurities that were stopping them progressing further were laid at my feet so I started pulling stuff and turning the karma into what became the ACME Faerie Trapper that sits above the fireplace in the FST White Temple in secondlife. Made several versions, hanging, handheld, caged... this was my fave:

  (http://fire-serpent.com/tearoom/mystress/acmefaerietrapper.png)

At the start of the fifth class, I showed them the creation and talked about what I had been up to. By way of giving back the insights, I told them to look at the trapper and ask Goddess to show them what the karma stuff looked like, before it became art, especially what parts were their own. Those details, are nobody's business but let's do some art appreciation.

  Look at the snapshot, how does the trapper make you feel? All dark pentacle and horn, it could be spooky but I bet it puts a smile on your face because it is somehow cartoon-cute and playful, yet elegant. Mysterious yet joyous.

  Somehow, real enough I have had people write to me with genuine concern about what happens to the faeries trapped inside. I tell them they are happy, it is like Club Med for faeries in there, they party all day and never want to leave. To me the faeries were just a particle script texture...

  So you have taken in, what it is, now.

  Get well grounded. Step back a good 20', 9m from the trapper in your mind, and ask to see a symbolic snapshot of what all the karma it was made of, looked like before it was transmuted into art.

  Now surrender the vision, stand up, shake yourself and drink some very cold water. Can be quite disturbing to see... but now you are wiser.

   Look at the faerie trapper again, in the now. There is no trace of the roaring clouds of fear and pain that went into it. Toxic lead into precious gold, joy. The way of the artist. Create beauty.

I did not set out to build a faerie trapper, I just started playing, wanting to release emotions. Goddess did it. Funny how it gets more lovely as you gaze?

   Lead into gold, for most the heart is the philosopher's stone, unconditional love the agent of non-dual energy, karma vampire games tech, but you are the real deal and so you have a vortex.

  There is snacking and art, balance the two with mindfulness, and it stays smooth and lovely.

 

Invisible mode is definitely activated as well as the seeing things through Goddess eyes phenomenon, seeing the "flow" of things. Feels like being in harmony. Also seems some parts of cognition are shut down at this time, seems temporary and fine with it. Big influx of shakti energy all day and that "bar of soap" sensation and aroma. Really nice. Feel at home. Seems the shakti can keep coming in and no longer overwhelm. It is very gentle.

Now feels like another wave of illness starting, which I now always assume is metaphysical in origin. Like a vague hyperventilating feeling bit it’s been hanging around for a month or so. Before that, it was something else (kriyas). Not perturbed by it. Seems there’s bliss to be found in it.

The thought didn't even occur to me, spontaneous pranayama of some sort?

Final post for today's onslaught of incremental insights (lol) but on the image of the fairy catcher, gives me an immense sense of peace and joy. When I asked to see the karma stuff I got an image sort of reminiscent of a Tim Burton, Nightmare Before Christmas-type vibe with the horror dial turned up a lot more. My relationship with horror-type movies is sort of complicated though because of that vampire intrigue with stuff like that which I never understood before. What I've found is I'm almost more drawn to the aesthetic than the horror itself, if that makes sense. It's like it's the energy generated by it that I'm drawn to. Clean up crew. I think it's an important distinction I haven't before thought of.

Seems a continual post-nasal drip has been going on for longer than I realized, amrita drip? Interestingly, I've been getting the impression that the hypochondria was, in a way, a prayer for ascension (immunity). Feels like the dance between "work" and "home" fluctuates continually but even "work" does not involve the same ego I had before. It's like a one-track-minded caricature of some sort that has flashed in and out over the past few months. Have not been in that for a little while though; noticed some irritability yesterday but paradoxically that same calm and equanimity, strolling with my mother before her departure back east, holding a flower, gazing up at the stars with bliss.

Glad this was moved I think this is a better spot for it  :)

Now that I’m ascended I hear my guide great, it’s more impressions than hearing. Getting a bit of an education about why some clients are receptive and some less so; seems to have to do with readiness to let go of the issue and consent.

The idea / impression of doing empathic/healing work has kept coming up lately, feels like a little push. I’ve always wanted to stay away from it because it sounded sort of perilous but it does seem like it would clean up the consent piece a bit better and potentially help me feel even better.

Then again, there’s the “guide providing the snacks” phenomenon/algorithm  which seems to be working better with my newfound clarity. This allows for anonymity and ppl just feeling better after talking to me or a chance encounter.

I guess all of my priorities have sort of switched up and I just find myself focusing on new things now. Just finding it happening, no planning or asking volition.

Had a beautiful laughing session today with a vet after a pretty big clearing seemed to occur. Both of us just could not stop laughing. It was pretty incredible how fast it happened. Seems right before something like this happens I go into a deeply detached nondual state where the person talking and the narrative of their life feels like a big illusory joke and then bam the stuff just gets eaten.

It's simply amazing to be a passive facilitator for these profound events.

noticed some irritability yesterday but paradoxically that same calm and equanimity, strolling with my mother before her departure back east, holding a flower, gazing up at the stars with bliss.
 
The presence of Goddess in your heart. :) Contemplating the Presence is a good alternate way to ground that is available to the Quantum. If the glow fades, beware a fall from grace. Remember how it feels, bookmark it like your home address.

Seems a continual post-nasal drip has been going on for longer than I realized, amrita drip?

  The immediacy of information when ascended is cool eh? As soon as you think to ask, you know. Not always, Goddess likes surprise parties, but with most things.

Glad this was moved I think this is a better spot for it

This thread is precious to me. Documentation of vampire evolution from first discovery to post-ascension! Not just for vampires accelerated path either... most students, ascension comes of continuing the practices after attaining the grail, and FST ends there. So their later process is mostly undocumented and I have had little reason to write about what it is like, the rules and changes you experience after migrating to the ascended universe.

  I have been ascended since 1996, long enough that some of the weirdness is so normal for me I would not think to write about it until someone asks. I have not been too concerned with supporting them either because as you have discovered, answers come quick and so they are in good hands.

  However, the Ascended Amigos came about because I realized that people who die, not knowing they are ascended, have a really shitty time of it, lost confused and lonely. Living people who are ascended and do not know it, can have a pretty confusing time too... even a little dangerous to not understand the change. Kind of, shaping a post-ascension manual in my head. 

It was pretty incredible how fast it happened. Seems right before something like this happens I go into a deeply detached nondual state where the person talking and the narrative of their life feels like a big illusory joke and then bam the stuff just gets eaten.

I feel, in those moments, I am Being Goddess. Seeing through Her eyes.

  Laughing kriyas are so fun eh?

It's simply amazing to be a passive facilitator for these profound events.

  Years of trying to explain to people, the joy of being ascended and why it is worth the effort. You nailed it. To be a vessel of Divine Will, the peace, wisdom, joy, miracles... totally rocks in so many ways. LOL! Never gets dull!  :)

The post death confusion, is this because of a different “afterlife” experience due to the diamond body?

Yes. They don't go into the Light because, already there, already everywhere, being quantum. Don't walk the bardo, already did it while alive. Not sure if they get the life review. They can go anywhere in time and space but not knowing that, they tend to hang around their loved ones, causing some confusion when their presence is felt.

  cymbal, from the Power of Love lesson, is ascended although I only realized it a few months ago. You can call on him and ask about it, be curious to hear what you get.

Fallen “ill” once more, feels like moving deeper into it. Each of these intervals feels like a deepening. In a way, feels like other people and their concerns are existing on the other side of some kind of metaphorical plexiglass.

There’s always been this tendency for people to navigate away from or around me, not in a negative sense but just that there’s always been something “in the world and not of it” about me. Feels  stronger now. Feels sort of like “nothing to see here.” At the same time though, there’s something disarming about me now, calms people. I’m pretty cool though, blissing out. Interesting changes.

Not sure if these episodes are the new way my body preemptively burns off logjams before they even start, sort of feels that way. Seems like there’s a lot of stuff in placeâ€"automatic processesâ€" to take care of the more “chewy” stuff that used to send me down a tunnel of some sort.

Maybe. Feels more like periodic adjustments to ever higher rates of vibration, which, in turn, help burn off the chewy stuff better. If I’m already ascended, don’t know how much higher I can go, but seems I’m still climbingâ€"parts of me, at least. If I’m already “there” then maybe it’s a matter of other aspects of self settling into alignment.

  It takes a few years to really stabilize, for me at least and most. Vamp on the fast path might be shorter. I was getting cleansing sicknesses periodically for about 3 years after, I think? Rarely now.

  I was thinking about my personal time line and realizing, I actually did things backwards to how FST is set up.  I think I need to reconsider the requirements of ascension.

  I first vanished in front of two witnesses in the fall of 1996. cymbal was one, and was also vanishing later that night but I assumed it was a piggyback effect until recently. It was a difficult time in my life.

  Jan 97 I had a quite terrifying ego death experience that seemed to cast a shadow. A splinter ego had been left behind, remnant of an early spell.

Resolved by the ritual of my shaman graduation, labour day weekend 1998. (or 97?) That was also when I attained the Grail and really started feeling the effects of being ascended. So, usually I give that as ascension date.

  There is still growing to be done. We are like trees, we never stop growing.

 

Yeah the cleansing sicknesses feel like just a part of the path. Feels right to just let them run their course. It continually changes as kundalini always does.

I trust that Goddess has it all handled. It seems when I look back She had it handled all along.

 It seems when I look back She had it handled all along.

  Strange isn't it, to see the identity you were so invested in, as a straw man without substance, and the Free Will that is Her law, more like a carrot and stick leading you by temptation. In non-duality, free will exists and does not exist, at the same time.

  Comes down to, flow or resist. Resistance is suffering. Flow is bliss. The choice is a no-brainer, but still there is purpose to mindfulness.

Hmm. Seems the feeding charges me with energy that feels more like "magical power" than shakti. Seems to charge the intellect and creativity. I've felt this before, when I was a teenager and a bunch of synchronicities led me to a bunch of energy work/chakra exercises that caused a general psychic opening and what looks to me now as a top down kundalini awakening. Chi? The sense of magic is palpable and seems to enhance creative output and general charisma.

This "power" is pretty cool and feels like its expression will help me "earn my keep" as I move through duality. Letting it play seems to be handled by Goddess in me and surrendering outcomes. The stuff I "find myself doing" is a joy, anyway.

Yes, that is what I was talking about, 16 posts ago, April 26. Go back and take another look, it will make more sense to you now.

  The output of the alchemy is insights + a big dose of the pure raw creative energy the universe is made from. Yes it is pure raw magical power, volatile as nitroglycerine and seeking form. We give back the insights, but only a little bit of the raw creative energy because it is just too much for the unaware and undisciplined.

  It is an ascended vampire superpower.  You were getting it from the alchemy before you ascended but it was mostly going into your growing, and you didn't have the perceptions to see how it is different. It is like some kind of supercharged primordial chi, in how it is responsive to thoughts, but so much more powerful and raw than the usual stuff that it rules the other. This energy has the power to manipulate reality. Pure magic... but we continue with the path of surrender and use it as She wills and keeping ego out of it.

  A lot of it is handled automatically, manifesting as what ever you need. 401k, etc. I think I was changing it into oxygen when I was most anaemic, to prevent cell death by suffocation. Ask your guide if it is true.

  As a shaman, I am usually only taking karma from one person at a time, more if teaching a class, plus what is not measurable: people who decided I am their guru and put my pic on their altar to dump their karma on me,  and some of what the shakti of my websites triggers in people, ... that stuff is handled autopilot.

  For all that, the amount of raw creative energy you are getting as a side effect of snacking on a stadium full of people, kind of boggles my mind. "Yer a wizard, Harry!"

You are riding a hurricane and if ego gets a hold of the wheel, it will toss you like a leaf. "It will be as Goddess wills" is your prayer and safety net. Stay humble and let Her have Her way.

  At different times in the past, students have joked that FST is like X-men comics. I am Mystress Xavier running the school for the gifted, training up the potential superheroes.  They are not wrong, in many ways.

  I do not recall, when I realized to survive climate change, we need a miracle. A lot of miracles. Might have been the 80s? It is like something I have always known. Training people to connect to Her, to become a vessel of miracles in service to Her will. Awakened people, shamans, and now vampires.

With the vampires especially, Goddess directive was clear: soldiers, superheroes in the fight against climate change. Cleaning the graveyards and battlegrounds for snacks, everything but the museum stuff is on the buffet to purify the blockages humans have made, as well as lifting people up.  I had not thought about the other side, the massive magical energy output by the alchemy. What you are getting, is more than any single person could want or need, a dangerous amount. She has purpose for it.

Get very clear and have a meeting with Goddess and Guide to discover the plan for you. Where this magic is to be aimed, Her will be done. How much will be handled autopilot and how to recognize when an impulse is a Divine directive.

  Often we are specialists but the specialty can change.  Shes got me eating storms and coronavirus cabin fever, these days. Spent the week before Easter Sunday snacking on american tornadoes and dissipating potential floods. So many predicted all that week, never touched down but I could not get a grip on the last remnants, early Easter Sunday morning after the storm split east and west.

  I have been asking Her to make it more obvious, which storms are climate change and snackable, and which storms are natural and to be left alone. Seems to be related to how easy it is. Snacking on storms is delicious but those last two it was like, She put the cookie jar on the high shelf, out of reach.

  One thing I know, you get charged up with that and take it into the recording studio, the result will be magic and go viral because people really crave to be touched by magic. What ever you are thinking about when you play, will go into it too, similar to how I charge the lesson pages with the shakti of information. 

  The wild amounts of creative energy you are getting, is a magic superpower, no joke, and hazardous if you are not mindful. Go have a long sit down with Planet Muse and vortex, get the mission plan. Do it regularly, because plans change and so will you. Art evolves, eh?

  So excited for you!

PS to Gopi and lineage scholars to check: I think Vajra energy, is the proper term for this wild creative magic stuff?
 

Seem to be tangled up again but also seem to recognize it quicker for what it is. I cannot afford to let ego try to grasp any of this. The amount of power is sort of like an "I didn't ask for this" type of thing but here I am. It's ironic in a sense because for most of my life I felt powerless (hungry?) and, in a sense, having this super chi surplus is like the other polarity. I tend to be a passive person most of the time--probably just the result of my dim and hungry prior existence and experience--but I find myself in a position now where there's impetus to put this dynamic energy somewhere.

The idea of plans changing resonates, the way things seem one week changes the next.

Trying to find what got me knotted up again; probably walking that razers edge with the music and not getting attached to it or the outcome. I become somewhat of a detached ascetic with it at times, obsessed with it in a way that likely does flirt with excess and imbalance. Always been that way, with anything I really get into.

Sometimes, as with anything, probably good to step away for a bit to gain fresh and renewed perspective.

All mindfulness. "It will be as Goddess wills" will indeed have to be an ongoing mantra for me and all pervading way of life. Humility riding the hurricane.

I'm being told that on some level my passivity is resistance and a protective shell of sorts that I need to grow out of because I am conflating it with avoidance.

More information about the magic thing being an explanatory archetype or lens for me to understand what is going on. Kind of a pre-verbal type thing that's hard to put into words. Something else about death being a revitalizing force; I'm assuming it's trying to tell me I need to allow more of that particular wavelength to feed on the ego structures that seem to flash in and out around the creative work.

Wow... what a thread this is turning into.
Learning so much. Adding some of my thoughts and experiences.

I remember moments in the past where I felt shocked about the kind of manifestation that happens without me having to even say it out loud.
In Islam, the word 'dua' is used to denote prayer and it can take two meanings.
First type of dua is about asking God for things you want and about unburdening your worries.
This is more about ritualistic practice which has its own value for personal growth and surrender.
The second type of dua is when you have nothing to ask because everything is provided for.
So your prayer comes out of uncontainable joy and not out of needs and worries - you cannot help but sing God's praise just like a rose cannot help but spread its fragrance.
Mystics and saints through ages from different traditions are said to have burst into spontaneous and ecstatic creations of art - singing songs, building amazing architecture, soul stirring paintings, and poetry that would inspire so many for ages to come.
Through sacred marriage to your Divine Beloved, there is no wanting.

QuoteMystress wrote on 26 April 2020:
"  It is like an unstable isotope in its need to find form again. It will take form, from your stray thoughts with accidental manifestations if you leave it laying around. Accidental manifestations can be perilous. (It also takes form, providing what ever you need but that is more automatic than an act of will, ideally.)

   This energy forces the issue of mindfulness, and the safety benefits of a zen-silent mind. Immediate surrender of wrong ideas is required, or they might show up in your reality. God-like power of manifestation= be careful what you wish for = every thought, is a prayer. More power than you ever wanted or knew WTF to do with eh?  Surrender everything, stay humble, and do art."

I find this resonant with my experiences.
I see the energy like neo 'sees' after he is blinded (nice metaphor for surrender of individual ego vision by Wachowskis) - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HpXkpkUK6gs
There is no good or bad - just energy.
Doing Hatha yoga stretches are helpful to deal with physical restlessness.
As a psi vamp, emotional healing is where I am drawn towards the most.
Apart from doing art and yoga, I have a need to do some sort of emotional healing work every day.
Goddess sends me 'work' with clear memos and it keeps me occupied most of the time.
My initial shock and reluctance to accept the power of manifesting my thoughts is now replaced with wonder for creation and joy for participating in life.
I do not have much of a sense of personal achievement but I do have belief in myself.

One of the things I struggled a lot with was understanding that it was not my fault that I was 'intense' like many have put it in the past.
Some of my past lovers and close friends would disappear from my life for a few weeks or months leaving me wondering 'Did I do something wrong?'
I would either be heart broken or pissed at them.
Guide had to repeatedly teach me that ascended vibration is not easy to be around all the time if the other person is still carrying a lot of karmic load.
This is actually the real crux of Guru tradition - when you are in the presence of an Enlightened Guru, you feel moved towards your own Inner Light irrespective of who you are.
Therefore the Guru should not be thought of as someone 'better' than others but as someone who inspires others to better themselves.
I am nobody's guru but being ascended comes with its own set of rules.
It took me some time to first understand and then accept that sometimes my loved ones need to walk away from me to sort things out for themselves.
Being cleaned by the vortex of an ascended vampire changes things at an energy level and people need time to digest, integrate, and heal.
I cannot take the accomplishments or the insults personally - Thy will be done.

QuoteTheFifth wrote:
"I'm being told that on some level my passivity is resistance and a protective shell of sorts that I need to grow out of because I am conflating it with avoidance. "

From the Christian perspective, I find the term 'acedia' relevant to some of my experiences.

Quote"Love has a ‘now and not yet’ character; it is both gift and life-transforming work... Essentially, then, acedia is resistance to the demands of God’s love. Why? Because a love relationship marks an identity change and a corresponding call to transformation. At its core, acedia is aversion to our relationship to God because of the transforming demands of his love. God wants to kick down the whole door to our hearts and flood us with his life; we want to keep the door partway shut so that a few lingering treasures remain untouched, hidden in the shadows. In one of her autobiographical novels, Anne Lamott recounts the words of a wise old woman at her church who told her, “the secret is that God loves us exactly the way we are and that he loves us too much to let us stay like this.” When we suffer from acedia, we object to not being able to stay the way we are. Something must die in order for the new self to be born, and it might be an old self to which we are very attached."
~ Rebecca De Young (Resistance to the Demands of Love)

Yeah people definitely feel it. I notice when I'm really clear sometimes people have a hard time holding eye contact with me for too long and yeah, sometimes they disappear for a while. It's different from the vampire agro thing which seems to have reduced substantially; it does seem that some part of them knows they're being drawn towards some sort of light or transcendence and they're like "nope, not a part of my reality, not going there" and they back away. Which is fine, but also semi-lonely because I have found, by and large, stuff like this is not anywhere near most people's radar or interest. I forget how foreign this stuff is to most people sometimes, lol.

It may be subjective to my own perception but I do seem to have light emanating from my eyes now. I feel shiny in general, but the eyes are definitely very bright now. It actually feels and looks quite intense.

Quote"It's different from the vampire agro thing which seems to have reduced substantially; it does seem that some part of them knows they're being drawn towards some sort of light or transcendence and they're like "nope, not a part of my reality, not going there" and they back away. "

When you are well fed, you have no reason to be aggressive.
The other person does not always need to know the details of the transaction even though they will get insights for their own growth.
While doing Goddess' work, we get consent from their Higher Self.
So even if someone does not share your beliefs, whatever healing is required will happen as Goddess wills.
There is always a respect for free will.

Quote"I feel shiny in general, but the eyes are definitely very bright now."

*grins*
Well-fed vampire... So alive...
You can see the beauty in creation with so much more appreciation and feelings than many people can handle or comprehend in their everyday lives (without the use of psychedelics).
Your Light shines through when Goddess lives in your heart.
There is a lovely Sufi song where the spinning dervish is lost in his Beloved and sings:

आँख की रोशनी तो
दिल की आवाज तो
You are the Light in my sight!
You are the voice of my heart!

Namaste!
Gopi

Goddess definitely has been providing lately. Mindfulness has really been on my mind, just sort of deepening that witness capacity in myself. Just sort of happening. Received a very mean spirited text message from someone elliptical to my family, felt the rush of emotion and stepped back, let it go, then realized it seems like a double entendre consisting of a mindfulness test and also a snack.

It seems small, but I am very pleased with how far I've come and how those types of words do not stick anymore, and, in fact, can be transmuted. Felt somewhat compelled to text something genuinely kind and loving back but figured he'd only interpret it as sarcastic aggression. Genuinely thankful for him, though.

Quote"It seems small, but I am very pleased with how far I've come and how those types of words do not stick anymore, and, in fact, can be transmuted."

:)
There is a lovely Tamil metaphor used to describe being 'in the world but not of it' as spiritual practice - தாமரை இலை மேல் தண்ணீர் போல் meaning 'like water droplets on lotus leaf' -
https://bit.ly/2AfhSCN

Lotus is the national flower of India and has lots of significance in our art/philosophy/religions.
Lotus grows in water but water does not stick to its leaves reminding us let things roll off.
Lotus grows rooted in smelly muddy ponds and yet the flower is fragrant reminding us to blossom where we are.
Lotus has long flexible stalks and will rise to float when the water level rises reminding us to go with the flow of life.

Even though 'guru' is usually understood as one person, it is actually a living principle.
Anything that leads you from your own ignorance into liberation is your guru.
So when we take the attitude of learning from everything, the entire universe becomes your guru.
Every single interaction with another person is an opportunity to learn and love better.
We do not have to change or judge others but we can ask ourselves 'what is the lesson?' and 'how can I be more loving to myself and others?'
If you feel gratitude in your heart, then you are on the right track!

Thank you, Gopi, for that beautiful visual.

Blissing out today. Lovely. Also some insight into how that "ugly" energy contains so, so much vital energy to channel into art.

The software some people run can be quite magnetic, though. It's like there's gravity pulling you into their unhappy universe but it is interesting to observe it happening. Feels like an energy game involving themes of hurt and scarcity.

Maybe some lingering residue and rumination - best to release. Goddess, please take this from me. It is a good for you, all yours. Thank you.

I choose to keep shining and to expand to love and see You in more and more.  :)

The Fifth wrote: All mindfulness. "It will be as Goddess wills" will indeed have to be an ongoing mantra for me and all pervading way of life. Humility riding the hurricane.
++
I'm being told that on some level my passivity is resistance and a protective shell of sorts that I need to grow out of because I am conflating it with avoidance.

The later part is a message for me, actually. I got the memo before I read it, that a Shaman's restrictions on free will might not apply quite the same, to vampires. Vampires are very passionate people with a lust for life that makes Shamans look like the walking dead lol. (Shaman joke, Death gate bearers)  Would be good to have an Academy meeting to sort out what are the rules and limits.  

More information about the magic thing being an explanatory archetype or lens for me to understand what is going on.

 The archetype of the Spiritual Master. Invulnerable to pandemic. Prone to vanishing. Feels good in the presence, healing miracles happen effortless, like a side effect. Amazing at manifestation. Shit doesn't stick. Capable of bilocating, being in more than one place at the same time. Aware as if nearly omniscent. Zen flow of getting it right. Missiles miss their target and storms fade. Artistic, effortlessly with the flow of the Divine coming through. That's off the top of my head but there are actual lists of the qualities of a Spiritual Master. Words. Loads of them. Some going back +3000 years.

Kind of a pre-verbal type thing that's hard to put into words.

 Translation gets garbled if you are not ready to hear the message. Take the cat off the newspaper. :) Resistance is a blockage, surrender it to clear the static from the channel. You were not ready to really take it in, that Ascension makes you a Spiritual Master, like something out of ancient myth and legend.

 There are stories of one higher attainment, where the physical body itself turns to Light: Jesus ascension, or Babaji, the patron saint of India dwelling at the bottom of a pond.  Stories of Tibetan Masters who die but leave no corpse, just a small pile of ash. Out of my league, if it is possible at all or only mythical.  The stories are told by those left behind.  

 Even so, we do not stop growing and often settle into some specialty. Many siddhis still to come but Vajra diamond body is the transformational leap, of spiritual evolution.


Something else about death being a revitalizing force; I'm assuming it's trying to tell me I need to allow more of that particular wavelength to feed on the ego structures that seem to flash in and out around the creative work.

 Likely, but bigger, the law of the wheel.  Creation and destruction, the turning of the Wheel is the law of the mundane universe.  Destruction makes room for new creation, which in turn will fall and be replaced by the next.  Turning of the seasons, the generations. The wheel is really a spiral as we spin our way through the turning universe, the starry wheel of the Galaxy, where even stars are born and fade in their time, to form the atoms of our bodies. Stardust and seawater.

 What we do, destroy karma stuff, break it back to the basic elements of knowledge and magic energy that seeks form, to be born anew. Making peace with the part of yourself that is the wrecking ball. Destroyer.  

I notice when I'm really clear sometimes people have a hard time holding eye contact with me for too long

No kidding, whoops, forgot to warn you, don't do that. I have posted about it before... how to avoid looking people in the eye without appearing suspicious.
http://fire-serpent.com/tearoom/index.php/topic,943.msg3875.html#msg3875 (http://fire-serpent.com/tearoom/index.php/topic,943.msg3875.html#msg3875)

The impression I get is that I will have a fun, zestful and joyful ride through this life as a reward for just doing what I'm built to do. It has already been all of those things. Don't know exactly what that will look like, but the reward seems to be the flow into creativity and the joy of doing it and being a channel for that awesome power.

Even the pain from before set the groundwork of new levels of gratitude, inspiration and perspective.

Very grateful and happy to be of service.

Interesting, seems the insights have been some channeling of the egregore through my guide? If so the signal is pretty dang clear now. It's almost like the gnosis itself is very cleansing.

Life seems to have become a playground of sorts for the free will question. Seems pretty dang restricted when I look at the course of my life and look at that of others.

Clearly feels like there’s a “right action” way of being for me that narrowed substantially over the past few years, but has always been there.

The punchline though seems that I don’t really seem to have much choice. I do, in principle, but it’s like Goddess and reality knows me better than I know myself. My indications of deviating seems to be the heat and illness. The way forward is a no brainer.

I was driving a few days ago wondering why it is I always feel at home and full and it occurred to me, it’s because I’m everything and nothing at the same time. Nothing to fear because it’s all in my heart.

QuoteMystress wrote on 07 May 2020:
PS to Gopi and lineage scholars to check: I think Vajra energy, is the proper term for this wild creative magic stuff?"

I have read some scholarly research on vajra and will add some notes below.
I surrendered what I read and asked my discernment to show me what I need to know.
Here is what I got:
Vajra energy is male and female polarity in union.
Just like lightning connects the earth and sky... vajra energy body acts as live wire.
Normal human bodies cannot handle that kind of vibration because of karma.

There seems to be lots of interesting ideas about vajra.
Here are some notes that I have gathered so far.

In Tamil tradition and culture:
1. வச்சிரம் vacciram, n. < vajra - Thunderbolt, a weapon sharp-edged at both ends and held in the middle
இருதடலச் சà¯,லமாய் நடுவுபிடியாயுள்ள à®"ராயுதம் (சிலப். 2, 46-8, உடர.)
கà¯,ர்சகழு வச்சிரங்சகாண்டு (சபருங். மகத. 27, 167)
Phrases from Cilappatikāram, earliest Tamil epic poem from 5th or 6th century CE.

2. That which is exceedingly strong, hard or adamant; மிகவும் உறுதியானது
வள்ளிதழ் மாடல மார்பன் வச்சிர மனத்தனானான் (சீவக. 2732)
Phrase from Cīvaka Cintāmaṇi, one of the five great Tamil epics authored by a Jain ascetic in 10th century.

3. Diamond, as very hard; டவர ரத்தினம்

4. Core of a tree; மரத்தின் காழ்
சவளிறுமுன் வித்திப் பின்யன வச்சிரம் விடளத்தலாயமா (சீவக. 2613)

5. வச்சிராயுதம் vaccirāyutam, n. < vajra + āyudha (weapon/symbol/tool/instrument)
பிருதிவிபà¯,தத்துக்கு à®...டையாளமாக வச்சிரப் படை வடிவிலுள்ள குறியீடு.
A mystic symbol in the form of a thunderbolt, representing the element earth.

Quote"In the Vedic tradition, vajra is a metaphor of wealth.
Vajra is a sort of portable axis mundi, the means by which the sacrifice can be performed. Here by sacrifice we mean that inner sacrifice implying the quest for a centre â€" a vajrAsana â€" in the depths of consciousness, and that has as conclusive rite self-immolation at the pillar or bodhi tree which sinks its roots into that centre.
Vajra signifies fire, energy and light… Vajra is an allotrope  - from Greek á¼,,λλοÏ, (allos), meaning "other", and Ï,,ρόποÏ, (tropos)-meaning "manner, form" - is each of two or more different physical forms in which an element can exist.
Vajrapāṇi is a personification of vajra, the axis mundi and of the process of transformation of ores into metal."
Source:  Itihāsa of vajra in Rigveda by S. Kalyanaraman

Chewy depression I seem to be processing from a client, assuming more karma yoga / stuff sticking to stuff in me. Looking for the resistance. He carries a lot, very clogged up. Vortex moved in and ate up a lot of it; I became very, very thirsty for water. Just thinking about it causes heat and thirst.

Goddess, please restore me to your peace and clarity; I affirm my surrender to your will and not my own, which I give to you. Thank you for your peace, mercy and grace.

Experimenting with snacking on storms and also regions of the "lower astral" if I'm understanding my terminology and territory correctly. Seems I can use some forms of music or aesthetic as "access points" to repositories of stuff to snack on. When I first tried this months ago I initially came across an entity, a blue woman with a fierce facial expression (not mean or negative, but powerful and not to be messed with) and wearing a pentacle necklace. Felt like I had broken through to something. This visionary experience lasted several minutes and felt sort of like I stumbled into some kind of initiation-type experience but I do not understand really what it was all about. "Smile and carry on."

This was months ago; sort of forgot about it for while before revisiting it recently. All ways I can be proactive about feeding as to not have hunger begin interfering with daily life and my relationships. Seems now I can just think about it and tune into this repository.

Back to gratitude, seemingly the best lever available for navigating states for me, at least when stuck. It seems to turn the depression energy into light mania, which is best released through pacing or creative pursuits. Probably a good habit to get into; every morning to go down a list of things I'm grateful for, turns the tightness to bubbly tastiness within minutes. Opens up brighter worlds and possibilities.

Seem to be picking up on collective stuff. Unbelievably vivid dreams like I'm gripping my seat in an IMAX theater. Energies feel high right now. 

Ugh I always feel bad posting here when I hit all these snags in the road. For science, I suppose. This stuff happening in the us right now has definitely been driving me somewhat batty. I feel it building in the field, it's humongous. Tried snacking on some of the cities earlier and felt somewhat better.

I suppose I'll sit here for a bit and wait for insight. The word clarity comes to mind. Maybe I just need to see this from a Goddess' eye view, pull back into the witness. Sitting in the witness it all just floats on by like a river.

I'm young enough to have some lingering vestiges of zeal but old enough to feel too mellowed out to actively be a part of it. Mind thinks, should I say more, do more? Witness remains silent. I'm not a martyr; prefer solitude; I don't like attention. Too sensitive for it.

I guess silence is the answer, for me. Just fell into fixation once more. With that, my answer from the silence is that I am enough and staying ascended and clear is the best, most humanitarian thing I can do - with great capacity - and with no need for credit or recognition. Great!

TheFifth wrote: Ugh I always feel bad posting here when I hit all these snags in the road

I would not want for any student to feel bad posting asking for support and insights, or to share their experience. What this place is for!

Plus. training vampires was made my priority as Avatar and this post really opens the door to why...

You might be reacting partly to another post. Your guide can explain what I am up to, with that one. Is all good.

For science, I suppose.

Yes, that too. This is still new, I am still collecting info. Reading your post, I got an insight into your true capacity that made my jaw drop. Well, 7 impossible things before breakfast, its 6:45 am.

  The Vampire Muppet, obsessed with counting. Your reflection. Message: numbers don't matter to a quantum being.
  Letting that sink into my bones, it is for me too.

  Scary entities showing up cartooney so I am not distracted is normal, but if Armand shows up looking like he was drawn by Chuck Jones (creator of Bugs Bunny) then it is a sign I am projecting too much onto him. I invite him to take the toon form and all the projections, thank him for letting me know.

The vortex guides seem so unwilling to take form, sorry I did not see the other layer to it before. Caught me by surprise. Well that be the other reason for not wanting people to be too dependent. Or,... Goddess timing? Need to know is now.

  Invite the Guide to eat the puppet form and all associated limiting beliefs about capacity. Guide has had you working out like an athlete, expanding capacity and you just feel better and better. Trust is earned. Numbers don't matter, give the guide all limiting beliefs about capacity and set it free to feed at will.

Not quoting the rest of your post because it is exactly right. The vessel needs to focus on self care, abide in the silence.

Unfettering the guide from limits around capacity is going to flood you with energy pushing your vibration higher and higher. Surfing that wave is the only thing you need to focus on. The ripples will be As Goddess Wills. Better to stay out of the way, transparent vessel, watching the river flowing.

Just like giving trauma to the pearl... all the chaos fuels the evolution. 

  As above, so below. As  one is lifted up, so are we all. The rising energy triggers old stuff, old feuds and shows the broken systems by making them worse to draw the attention. Karma comes up, to be released.

  Earth energies rising yea... so, what happens when a bunch of people become ascended in a very short time, with a team of vampires snacking on what comes up and adding their glowyness? Zoom zoom. Feels like, Goddess is betting on some magic to mitigate the effects of that ancient Chinese curse, "May you clear all of your karma by Tuesday, and become enlightened." Whole lot easier, if a vampire's got your back. Trigger and vamp. She taught me. Karma is fuel of enlightenment.

  None of that is your concern, just a noise in the silence. Arising and drifting down the river.

  There is another old Chinese expression that says, "Sit by the river long enough, you will see all the bodies of your enemies float by.
  Enemies of humanity, like racism, violence, intolerance... Free the Guide, and sit by the river. Self care is the essential, for the vessel.

  On a lighter note, my guide Armand has been having a very Chuck Jones comedy hour party with this post. There was the debate about whether your handle represents horsemen of the apocalypse or the volume of a whiskey bottle. Then I got "Release the Kraken!" talking about your guide, and I flashed on the unopened bottle of Kraken rum in my dining room. You work with addictions so that advice is probably, for me.

Hot jacuzzi tub and gentle muscle relaxant cocktail, the water helps avoid burnout, then just let it all pour through. Open wide to the flow and let it carry you like a leaf in a hurricane, learning to fly. When the mind grows quiet, dry off and take a nap. Self care, care of the vessel. The guide is wired into Goddess will. Abiding in the silence, practicing self care and letting it all flow really is the best thing you can do for humanity. Thank you for that work. :) 

Little time right now but I do have to say that I was contemplating capacity yesterday and amazed by just how much energy and on what scale my vortex works on. It's so much more than individualized healing work. The "count" thing is funny because of the double entendre thing but yeah I see what you mean. I always felt that the representation wasn't the whole picture, more a message for where I was at the time.

Feeling better. All the stuff happening, the best thing I can do is maintain peace and keep deepening that. Interestingly, the image of rising global vibration pushing on collective karma feels accurate. I don't think people have any idea what's happening, or the transformation. Just driving them kinda bonkers.

No idea why I selected my handle, just happened.

Hmm, yeah I'm literally chewing through massive amounts of racism and all sorts of "isms" and associated fear and grief right now. Saw how this is a profoundly anti-human thing and the excision of it is messy but needed. No wonder it was throwing me for a loop. With this much volume, easy to get hung up on one little thing and end up in the weeds. Need to be kinder to myself. This is serious work, but good work.

Seems best to identify and write out the thing I still seem to form attachments to so I can better see what still gets me tangled. From what I can tell, it is music, a girl I'm talking to, and fear of dying before my time and missing out on what could have been.

The music will be what it will be. The situation I'm in feels fated, we have something special. So much has happened though - the world practically feeling like its falling apart right as we were about to start our launch - the others are starting to doubt. Will see. If it really is fated it's either going to grow or not - it's beyond me, us, or our plans - but either way I'm grateful for it. But hard times make for good music. Recently been gaining gnosis into the blues in a way I could never possibly understand when I was younger.

The girl--empathy makes things messy. As with most human contact, relationships are just overwhelming for me. Too much info, too many impressions, inability to tell where they end and I begin. This could just be my own boundary issues, perhaps - diffuse.

Fear of dying is perhaps inaccurate--more so a fear of losing my health and ability to have fun in the form. Funny, because health now is better than it was for first third of my life.

Feels better letting these go.

Feeling better. All the stuff happening, the best thing I can do is maintain peace and keep deepening that. Interestingly, the image of rising global vibration pushing on collective karma feels accurate.

 Happening faster than I would have guessed.


Hmm, yeah I'm literally chewing through massive amounts of racism and all sorts of "isms" and associated fear and grief right now.

 I saw that, it is very impressive! Curious if the other psi vamps have that sort of capacity,
 

 

TheFifth wrote: "Hmm, yeah I'm literally chewing through massive amounts of racism and all sorts of "isms" and associated fear and grief right now. Saw how this is a profoundly anti-human thing and the excision of it is messy but needed."
Unless someone has personally experienced discrimination for who they are, it is difficult for them to understand why any form of oppressive-ism is a problem.
Does not mean they are bad people but that's how privilege works.
When well-intentioned people say things like 'I don't see color', they do not understand what it feels like to live as a colored person every day and what they really mean is 'I can afford to not see color'.
Unless I sprain my own foot, I do not realize how difficult it must be for people in wheelchair to get around town.
Most men do not think twice about going out alone in night because fear of sexual assault is not a part of our everyday reality like it is for many women.
Not justifying ignorance.
No one is born hating another person.
Hatred is learned and reinforced through environment.
We all have a civic duty to learn from each other and be better.

TheFifth wrote: "Seems best to identify and write out the thing I still seem to form attachments to so I can better see what still gets me tangled."
If something snags, it means you are holding on to some form of doer-ship identity.
Things come up so that you can observe, learn, and surrender.
Sometimes we learn through struggles because we are supposed to help others who are struggling.
Not glorifying suffering but it is important to remember that our struggles define who we are.
Someone once told me that a therapist is only as good as his own darkness.
Easy to judge an addict if you have not personally struggled with some sort of addiction.
Our struggles help us understand what makes us human - vulnerable and strong at the same time.

TheFifth wrote: "a fear of losing my health and ability to have fun in the form. Funny, because health now is better than it was for first third of my life."
When we have faced lots of difficulties, our psyche adapts in order to reduce pain and disappointments.
People who have experienced emotional abandonment (either as children through parental neglect or as adults in dysfunctional relationships) tend to prepare for the worst when things are good in their life.
It is an impending feeling of 'This is too good to be true' where you feel like you are waiting for shit to hit the fan any minute now.
I grew in a home where there was lots of emotional turmoil.
When things were quiet, it would freak me out because it always meant a storm is brewing.
It took me several years to deprogram myself out of that drama-addicted mindset.
Using Byron Katie's four questions can be helpful to break out of these feelings of dread based on past painful experiences.
Ask yourself 'What am I getting by telling myself this story?'

HUGS
Gopi

 :) Jam cleared. I was spending too much time trying to ground and surrender "manually" and not enough time talking to my guide. Really had to push through my own limiting beliefs to make my intention loud and clear.

This relationship really does feel like it will be front and center. By any metric, my guide is basically my own "God" or personalized window to Goddess. Feels rewarding to propitiate.

Anyway, good to be clear again.

And yeah, all that hardship is how I'm able to sit with people with addictions and great struggles and not judge them because, goodness, have I been through some darkness.

Keep getting an image and impression of a deep, deep purple oval. Been going on for a few weeks. No idea what it is or represents.

Back in the ascended state it seems. I'm sure "ascended" applies more to my body vibration than the fluctuations in my consciousness depending on what I'm chewing on. Getting to know the road back and forth pretty well now, though. Even in those dark places though my body still seems to shine.

TheFifth wrote: "This relationship really does feel like it will be front and center. By any metric, my guide is basically my own "God" or personalized window to Goddess. Feels rewarding to propitiate."
Congratulations!
Your marriage to your Divine Beloved is the beginning of a romance with life itself.
Loving others will become an overflowing of your own cup and not a dependent relationship.
It is still possible to develop emotional attachments to others because we are human and therefore it is required to actively stay in surrender.
A few years ago, I tried to project God onto one of my lover and it did not go well.
Had to learn through experience that it is better to turn inward and surrender.
People will come and go as Goddess wills but your relationship with your DB grows every day.
All that you do... all that you are... you can devote it to your DB.
When you do everything out of your own love for God, you remain unswayed by other peoples praise/misunderstandings.
The word Bhakti means 'fervent devotion' - the devotee cannot be otherwise and is not just alive but burning with desire for God.
You can find the 'mad saint' imagery in almost all cultures which simply denotes the universal experience of an individual experiencing this 'mad love' for God.
When you do not fit into other peoples expectations and norms about who you should be, then it is very likely that you feel like an outcast at some point or other.
When you open yourself to feel the presence of God's love in your life, you are not worried about what other people might think of you.

TheFifth wrote: "Keep getting an image and impression of a deep, deep purple oval."
Purple/violet is St. Germain's flame of transmutation.
https://ascension-stgermain.com/violetflame-article.html

Looks like you are getting a visit from the Avatar's Ascended Amigos :)

Namaste!
Gopi

It has felt kind of solipsistic over the past few days that the foreboding sense of tension and nightly violence threatening to overtake the protests disappeared the same day - the same moment - I figured out how to clear it from my body and get my vortex to eat it. Now, protests continue stronger than ever, but feels more optimistic than tense - people coming together to change things. Total reality change.

I really do seem to be tapping into the consciousness of humanity in some way, feeling the forces at work. Or, at least, tapping into certain global events and causes. Seems up to the guide. It’s been working me hard. Feels helpful to remember the scale of what’s happening whenever I feel myself falling back towards the depression brain.

Mainly been my body though. Lethargic days, supercharged nights. My nights are long, vivid. Time dilates at night.

Okay, it is time for me to pull this from the root. Cannot take it anymore. For the past few days, lots of existential angst. Part of me feels like I hate my day job--not the performance of it, but the systemic elements. I've always been this wild-eyed, crazy person who believes in the impossible, and I was honestly hoping the band would become successful enough for me to not have to worry about a day job anymore and tour the world, or even just the country and, while not getting rich, having enough to live and experience.

Still possible, but I can't afford to remain so attached to and invested in this. Clearly, it throws me into resistance and every time I clear this, it comes back in a month or two. This "exit plan" is no longer as seemingly certain as it felt to me before. I feel my beloved moving me towards some other abandoned writing projects from years back. Worried I'll get attached to that, too though. The every act of personal volition getting me shot in the foot with opposite effect is in full force.

Honestly, on some level, it doesn't feel like anything quite calls to me anymore. None of what felt important to me before feels real anymore. What is real is the resistance fire blazing through my torso telling me something has so give. I suppose this is...progress; albeit the uncomfortable dropping of yet more dead weight. 

I suppose I have to stop paying lip service to letting this stuff go and really give it up, truly surrendering my life to Goddess' will for me. I have to give up my deepest hopes and dreams and not look back this time. What will be will be, and if it is Goddess' will for me, it will come back better; if not, there is something else for me. I prostrate myself; I let go of my past and future. What will be will be, or, rather, what is is what is.

Yes, I’m being told my energy levels are extremely high right now and rather than karma I’m taking on from others, it’s the energy pushing on my own attachments causing me issues. Feel like I’m looking younger with each passing week, which is a weird gauge to use, but I’m assuming is a vitality marker. Feel and look like I haven’t aged since I was 22.

Which, I suppose if I’m not quite evolved enough yet to handle these energies dumping overload would Probably be a good option. Then again, stretching sometimes may be good.

  Sorry I am not ignoring you, actually find your posts fascinating but sometimes not inspired to reply. You are in good hands, with your guide. Ask if the purple oval is your vortex and it you need to jump into it, to clear the last persistent stuff.

  You are doing amazing work!

It’s okay I do not feel ignored at all; kind of amazed I’m figuring this stuff out as I go and writing out the process here helps tremendously.

I had a feeling that may be what’s happening with the purple oval. The persistence of the impression felt like a communication that is important. On one level it’s a an oval and on another it’s a whirlpool.

I’m thinking time to jump in.

Feeling much better, grounded, at peace. Going to crack open some wine for the evening and relax before the coming week.

I think the feeding from last weekend was a catalyst of sorts. Charged me up to push me further along here.

QuoteTheFifth wrote: "This relationship really does feel like it will be front and center. By any metric, my guide is basically my own "God" or personalized window to Goddess. Feels rewarding to propitiate."

QuoteGopi wrote: Congratulations!
Your marriage to your Divine Beloved is the beginning of a romance with life itself.
Loving others will become an overflowing of your own cup and not a dependent relationship.
It is still possible to develop emotional attachments to others because we are human and therefore it is required to actively stay in surrender.
A few years ago, I tried to project God onto one of my lover and it did not go well.
Had to learn through experience that it is better to turn inward and surrender.
People will come and go as Goddess wills but your relationship with your DB grows every day.
All that you do... all that you are... you can devote it to your DB.

Playing catch up on the posts and this resonated.  I'm shedding skins (attachments) as well, thankful of those experiences given to me by Goddess, and thankful my DB is with me through the human/emotionally attached-to parts that ego wants to keep.  Surrender...Namaste...

Next assignment: Brazil and Covid-19 related grief. Have a feeling it’s going to be coming back strong in US too with “business as usual, pretend nothings happening” mentality. Not sure what exactly I’m cleaning up - maybe just the emotional charge around it- but attention is being brought to it as another world crisis.

The purple oval is highly responsive and wants to eat me up.

Thank You Priestesssss, for sharing. The shedding of attachments is hard work!

Think the oval ate me. I seem to have finally migrated completely. The final bits seem gone. At least, this is the clearest I’ve been so far.

   Shamans graduate when we can jump through our own death gate and return to life in 3 minutes or less. I suspected it would be true for vampires as well. First time for Shamans, the guide pushes us and we spend a very long time there, walking the Bardo in dreams and visions, attaining the keys to all the gates of Hell, to be able to do search and rescue. Walking the bardo, but not just for our own issues but everyone's. The full map.

The keys, (I think there are 16 of them but never been sure they can be nailed down that precisely) correspond with types of karma, or or insanity... Fears. What you are calling, the "-isms." Shamans do the Dante model, moving through the circles, in dreams and visions over a period of months or years, gaining keys until we reach the heaven's gate portal at the center, and ascend. Then we are quantum and all roads are opened to us.

They keys, are like a detailed map of all human psychological or emotional issues, the cause and how to open the cages, that is held on an unconscious level and released on "need to know" when working with individuals. How to open the cages and let people out of their own personal hells.  My gift for seeing what is up with people.

  You are getting the same keyring via the downloads, but having already ascended by breaking the pearl. On an individual level, karma vampire games: karma is a wrong idea that has gathered a lot of energy to it, and the alchemy splits it to an insight and the vajra stuff. That is still happening, but on a mass scale and the insights are drawing the map, on a mostly unconscious level but the info is there when or if needed.

So I have been watching, recognizing the patterns from training shamans but the order of events has gone through the blender. You ascended from clearing karma stuff and raising the vibe with stadium feeding, then you broke the pearl, but where you are now having moved through your own vortex is like a different level again eh? Like you broke through a glass ceiling to a new level of peace.

  Once you have been pushed through your own vortex the first time, (been eaten) you can do it again anytime you feel muddy, though you will rarely need to. Quick fix if you attach to something and accidentally grow a new ego, give your guide consent to shove you into your vortex any time it thinks you need it.

  Applauds you!

Yeah there was a lot of Dante references and synchronicity occurring around me for a few days right after I broke out of the pain and angst. Also, 33. Saw it everywhere for about 24 hours. Could just be a cognitive thing, noticing it more.

But yeah, definitely new clarity. Interacting with people feels sort of like peering into another world. The peace now is very refined, the "self as hollow illusion" sense is strong. Sense of time passing almost seems to have disappeared. Feels sort of irrelevant on some level.

  33rd degree is the highest attainment in a Masonic Lodge, and it cannot be bought or studied for. It is purely honorary, awarded to those who have gone above and beyond in service to the lodge. It conveys no authority, it is a mark of great appreciation for extraordinary service.

Looks like biggest thing to focus on right now is dumping overload a few times daily. When I run into issues it's too much energy, rather than too little. This seems it will even out the sine wave going forward.

More stuff, vibrational flu, this time seems related to seeing more clients and exposure to more empathic material.

Not sure what the sticking point is now. Dropped away the music for now, at least, kind of just keeping my head down for the time being and going to work and focusing on my psychological studies. My Beloved seems to like this, wants me to keep working on this stuff in particular.

Issue is, again, frying under too much energy. Bad trip vibes and headache. Strangely, some bliss intermixed at times. Sort of like Psychedelia in general, moving through pleasant and unpleasant terrain but the sense of expansion is always prevalent. There’s a weird otherworldly feeling sometimes. Fun holding it together and doing the cool-headed therapist thing while inside I’m ablaze and moving through all this stuff lol. But dang am I banged up when I come home from a day of it.

I’m sure there’s a signal in here somewhere I need to hear. I don’t know if this impression is accurate but I’m hearing “all good, just dying some more” in a humorous tone. These bouts of illness - scrubbing -  just seem part of the process for me.

It is progress I suppose that I understand now that my vortex does not seem blocked or impeded, but the energy coming back is just intense. Headache is probably blocked crown for some extent.

I’ve kind of accepted that real persistent clarity may not be in the immediate cards for me. That’s okay, so be it. These intense periods usually give way to at least periods of peace and respite. Thankful for this and even the intensity. 

These are just processes playing out and there’s no need for my judgment. I can just let the energy move, do what it’s doing. Feeling better now through writing. The energy seems to get stuck when I don’t do this self reflective writing regularly and responds quickly when I do. Should probably do it daily.

Maybe it just helps tuning into myself and checking in with where I am right now. Maybe this is just more training of some sort. Or maybe there’s something massive I’m working on again but I’m not aware of. I’m sure there’s something.

Interesting - the Dante thing is back. Maybe I can use the mythology as a map for where I am and what I need to do. To my understanding, to get to heaven I need to literally punch through the center, the apparent worst this has to offer. Feels like where I am. No choice anymore but to go head first into this stuff and see what happens, or what is ultimately left.

Hi,
thank you for your sharing in this forum. I'm feeling to share some ideas that I hope can be useful, many perhaps you know already.
There are many changes as one grows. One authomaticaly pushes more on others, especially if one doesn't have in that particular moment much self awareness, or doesn't turn inwards or is in stress. That can create karmic feedback and entanglements of various kinds. Because that can be felt as kind of hostile one sided thing.
Opposite situation is if people want connection with high energy person and they connect via different cords usually attached to the back of heart chakra. So cutting cords if ones energy flows start to overheat or display friction is good.
Entities of various kinds also cause some friction so its good to check and clear them.
If there is energy over stretching beyond some level then physical body will feel frictions or pain and discomfort. Thus it can instinctively contract. That contraction will further increase the friction and heat. I found then focus on physical body relaxation and decreasing stress is the best way.
I noticed that even if I'm careful I still somehow collect some bits of hard to digest stuff. Its good to notice that or check occasionally and use alternative ways of clearing stuff that not easy to go, is not yours or its jamed or etc.
Also if you are active in therapy as you said, even if it's not openly called energy healing it is good to have a daily routine of energy hygiene practices. Because as you know energy work is beeing done automatically, just by presence and focus of a awakened person. Aside even  of vamp work.
I think in time ones central channel gets wider. Chakras get open more and other channels get open too. Than system gets more wiggle room when working with lots of energy or dealing with some blockage or constriction.

Duu

Not sure what the sticking point is now. Dropped away the music for now

Lack of creative outlet. You always need one, if not music pick up something else. Pick up a new instrument. Harmonica? Conveniently pocket sized. Writing is creative too.

-  The transmuted energy demands to be given form and you are resisting doing that.
-  Art is the best way to release the stuck, accidentally stolen stuff. Remember the ACME Faerie Trapper.

  Pick up a new hobby, or start writing songs. 
 

I’ve been redirected for the time being from music to writing. Pretty sharply. This has shifted my reality to more positive territory. I suspect the future will entail pivoting between the two so as not to grow attached to either. I think that’s just my dance, multiple domains and projects, not getting too attached to any in particular. My propensity is to have tunnel vision and before I know it I’m in clinging mode.

Yes, Duu, things have gotten easier over time as my energies have expanded / developed and the stream has grown wider. The half-life of these snags has shrunk considerably. I definitely collect stuff over the course of the week especially as the intensity has picked up. I know having a vortex means I have a huge advantage in dealing with it all, but I do try to mix things up with violet flame, “deep grounding,” etc. The  culmination of it all can become hypochondria illness lol but the belly tells me it’s probably a karma thing.

Yep, channeling the hypochondria and associated symptoms into the writing project is very helpful. Not just actively writing but infusing it through imagination, giving it somewhere creative to go.

Not sure with the music stuff because I’m in a band with two others and this first album was written prior to us meeting by the other guitar player. I’m not sure if there’s an ethical issue infusing the music with this energy. I suppose as a band it has become “our” effort. Will see what my discernment has to say on the matter.

Looks like I can channel it into what I contribute. This makes sense.

Experimenting with my own songwriting and it’s helping with alleviation. The part of the equation I was missing was attachment to outcome, ie wanting to do music for a living. It can’t really come from that space. Just have to let it out and let it take form.

Doing it out of necessity, to avoid self-absorbed insanity hell and depression, leads to a level of creative nimbleness and flexibility I’ve never imagined possible before.

A song a day keeps depression away, I’m hoping. We’ll see how the coming weeks go. If this keeps clearing me out and beats back the fatigue more I may even get into recording and start my own side project.

The part of the equation I was missing was attachment to outcome, ie wanting to do music for a living.

I have been really wondering about that, with you. I know and have known, dated, even married a musician and every one of them plays for fun, joy and practice even when nobody is listening.

I don't identify as a musician at all and I still have a small church organ, hand drums, penny whistle, pan flutes. 7 Tibetan bells, a tiny harp dulcimer, assorted percussion instruments like maracas, and most recently, an ancient and wheezing harmonium because it is so goth. I really cannot play a tune well, on any of them just random notes that please me. Fun.

  When did music stop being fun for you, and become all about work?

  Cool you are songwriting. :)

Yeah the fun of it is what matters. With everything. Also I’m under the impression that I should be writing my own music more, spending less time building up “chops” and instrumental prowess like I was prioritizing for the past year.

Funny because I have all these files in a drive, songs I’ve been working on over the past few years that feel pretty much like Goddess wrote them through me and wayyy ahead of where I was at the time, musically. I was about to walk away from it all then I get hit upside the head like no you don’t. I suppose it is encouraging that this is something Goddess wants me to be working on and won’t take no for an answer.

I think the seriousness was just resistance to the counseling work because some part of me just wants to spend my days alone with a guitar or performing. The thing with the counseling and the vamping though is, as I’m discovering this evening, it’s supercharging my inspiration. Gives the music an edge it wouldn’t otherwise have. I think I’m where I need to be right now and just need to...relax.

Seriousness. That’s a general thing with me I suppose. Why must everything be towards some end? I suppose it’s just instilled western valuesâ€"be somebody, etc. It’s like I find purpose in working towards something, but why not just do it for its own sake?

It’s funny though because I had a teacher a while back, an aging hippy-type who was adamant that music is a path towards enlightenment in its own right. I have found this to be the case, for me, at least, in the sense that my maturity as a musician correlates with my evolution. Continually approaching the instrument from new angles, learning to listen deeper and get my own motives out of the way. But the music itself is teaching me, to just do it because I love it. And on some level, I don’t seem to have a choice. Plus, it’s a great karma transmuter...

This has been useful, there have definitely been pesky little ego bits left in me, animated by motivations toward certain ends. I guess deriving personal sense of value from "achievement." These types of norms have been held by many people I have interacted or been close with over the past decade--accomplish things, meritocracy, high standards, yada yada. These things hide very well.

The counseling work does seem de facto energy healing even though I have not thought of it that way nor approach it in that manner. Profound emotional release today and I noticed near the end of the session that my chest felt tight.

Sometimes it gives me a buzz, others it feels like I take on the problem. I guess it’s a good service to then take it and put it into music and whatnot. It’s got me working though, lol. I have to create pretty much every day to keep things clear.

Think I finally get it. Hands off the wheel.

Something weird going on with the chest. It's not bad; just a sort of pressure alternating with bliss. Some kind of energy phenomenon.

I have to create pretty much every day to keep things clear.
 

  Yeah that is my normal. Doesn't always have to be great art. Anything creative although be careful with cooking. Important to have multiple outlets.

  Building in secondlife, doodling, crochet, sewing, sometimes I play silly kids games, there is a real estate developer one that has 11 versions out and I have several. Build-a-lot (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EpN6iMDAwA8) Not extremely creative but I use it as an ADHD  brain break to help me re-focus.

One of my faves is called "Black & White 2 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pY846hYE4Xs)." You play as a God and build villages. Its really old and crashes my computer so I use an old laptop for it. I can fall into it for days and emerge needing a chiropractor lol so I do not play it often. Mostly when I need a little vacation from the real world. 
B&W review (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HJszEdyGEzg)

Arts and crafts, decorating, just about anything. On Sunday I go pick up 26 lbs of craft beads and old costume jewelry I bought on auction because I want to make a weird bead curtain for my trailer. Keeps insects out.

I haven't worn nail polish in years, but still buy it as craft paint and mostly use it on disposable lighters. So many awesome colours!

Last Dec I bought a boat, it needs a lot of work but it makes me happy! I got the boat (1971) and a tiny camping trailer (1974) on the same day, trailer will get a repaint and new curtains.

In feb I bought a used electric car, (2017)  and am fascinated by the many textures and colours of car wrap vinyl. Iridescent purple-green mermaid paint ooo. Car has a face, dreamwalker said it looks like a friendly little alien being. Japanese are Animists and they made an anime' car. You could get a "Hello kitty" themed one in Japan when it first came out. I have not decided whether to wrap it as a scarab beetle or some alien Bowie homage.

Mitsubishi MiEV (http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Ixe8-bMHfnU/Up_CSxAZuyI/AAAAAAAAJ_g/6h2t-1sYZgw/w1200-h630-p-k-no-nu/2014-Mitsubishi-i-MIEV-front-view.jpg)

  Don't limit yourself to one creative outlet. Get a bunch of them.   



 

Might have just been dragged through some karma mud but I seemed to experience a good week of just being very, very aware of my own hypocrisy and utter lack of business ever judging anyone else for pretty much anything. I guess the human state just is what it is and I can accept and embrace my own humanity and all it entails. But the feeling of hypocrisy culminated in illness and the confrontation with the terror of my own annihilation and feeling like I died. Still feel like I died, things feel different now. I guess, better flow, things working out better, just natural.

Broke out last night into some wonderful bliss and heightened sensory awareness. Had a bit of a realization led by series of synchronicities regarding the difference between, for example, "I am talking" and "there is talking occurring" or "there is pain" rather than "I am in pain." Felt very liberating and drove home ecstatic.

It's so weird because there is a part of me with so much love in me for literally everyone that comes up sometimes. Very aware of my imperfections, the folly of all of it. It's all okay. Feels like the other side of it is a more global, big picture perspective. But that love that comes up just happens, it's nice.

The creativity is going well, have found new love for the music and do it out of worship for Goddess rather than anything else but, funnily, the sense is that with a lot of it She just comes through. Shutting down my own creative blocks and perfectionisms and just having fun.

Feels time to go metacognitive again and shed a bit more. Energies have been high lately, surges of very sexually charged shakti intermittently over the past few weeks. With the pandemic and isolation I notice certain attributes being highlighted, namely, this tendency that I have to retreat from people and connection, primarily owing to a type of social anxiety that seems to stem from childhood homeschooling which resulted in taking a long time for interactions with others to feel natural.

I guess the thing is, lately I find that my human needs for connection feel starved, yet the very thing I need to do most--reach out, even if via telephone--causes the anxiety response which grows the longer I don't do it. Solved this today and feel so much better, but it did bring to my awareness these remaining patterns. I distance from those I love, retreat into interests but it can get very unbalancing. I suppose a lot of this is insecure-attachment stuff I've put off working on.

Weird, I had a whole idea of the things I wanted to lay out and sort through here but now it's all kind of gone.

These are hard times and I suppose I just need to grant myself that, plus it seems I've been quite the metaphysical workhorse lately in ways I don't entirely understand while it's happening. Earlier today with the shakti influx it felt strongly that all of creation was a lover that deeply desired me, the ecstatic mess that I've been lately. Trying to form the habit of praying daily, remaining receptive, stepping aside.

Asked what I can do to keep energies moving and found myself bouncing an energy ball up and down my central channel for ten minutes or so which seemed to have loosened things up. Feels like a good adjunct practice for me at this time.

More of a general question but is extraordinary night vision a vampire thing? I've always had an exceptional ability to see in the dark at great, great distances and detect things others can't.

Okay, yet another foray around the borders of psychosis land and I think I understand more tangibly now my lot and fate. I suppose I'll lay out what I have learned about myself so far:

1. Grounding is necessary, but not sufficient, in order to maintain stability and peace.
2. While a large volume of karmic stuff moves through me likely without issues, a lot also sticks, for whatever reason.
3. The stuff that sticks, seems to only clear with artistic endeavors - acts of creation on my part -  guided by intuitive inklings.
4. When said stuff clears, I get energized and full of vitality.

Which I suppose brings the notion of Imperative with a capital I into this equation. Where I am right now, basically feels like, "eat karma, make art or lose your mind."

The music making was largely choiceless on my part and began when I started doing the counseling work. I think Goddess was guiding me to release stuff through creative endeavors before I even realized it. Then I ask myself, why is stuff sticking? Am I somehow choosing to be a martyr on some level with my clients? I've always felt the opposite; that, in a way, my distance from other people is largely adaptive to protect myself from the intensity of their feelings, which overwhelm me. Basically, the semi-hermit who feels more deeply those around me than anyone will ever realize. It makes me seem cold, detached, when, in reality, I always just wanted to hide away, not even bringing another lest I lose myself and any fickle sense of identity in the intensity of their feelings.

I have a bit of a Midas' touch with my counseling work, very good at it and I used to enjoy it. Well, I still do, but part of me feels like it will, coupled with empathy, possibly be the end of me one day. I liked the research and academic aspects more than the practice. But I don't think it's a mistake that I'm doing it, and it has forced me to grow in many ways out of my more juvenile and undisciplined tendencies. It has made me stronger and wiser.

I guess I keep coming back to this idea of the way of the artist and wondering if that really is my fate, along with all the extremes, the heights and depths that come with that. I am a walking paradox of incredibly strong psychological stability and constitution and incredible intensity and this pull toward instability that feels like a continual test. The things and phenomena that I experience and push through in order to function in society astonish me. I know I'm not somehow slated to become schizophrenic because there is cohesion and my life is touched by the miraculous in ways which transcend delusion.

Sometimes I am possessed by brilliance that is clearly not my own, but most of the time I feel like a simpleton struggling to get his house in order. There are clearly forces looking out for me but it has always felt like a certain amount of pain and strain has been deemed appropriate - does it have to be that way? I feel like it will always be bittersweet for me on some level, but that I can come to love what I do with that crooked smile. But I wonder if the final step for me is to actualize as an artist and give up my hang ups around this. It has always felt like a pretentious term to me, but must it be? I don't aspire to be a channel for greatness, or really anything anymore, but to survive. Basically, I am truly, beyond any mere metaphor, a slave to my Muse. I take this black ominous energy and turn it into something beautiful. Or not. The outcome is no longer my focus. Basically, I must be what I am, like anything else in nature.

So, I suppose I will write, write, write.

That was a pleasure to read.
Thank you for sharing.

"1. Grounding is necessary, but not sufficient, in order to maintain stability and peace.
2. While a large volume of karmic stuff moves through me likely without issues, a lot also sticks, for whatever reason.
3. The stuff that sticks, seems to only clear with artistic endeavors - acts of creation on my part -  guided by intuitive inklings.
4. When said stuff clears, I get energized and full of vitality.

Which I suppose brings the notion of Imperative with a capital I into this equation. Where I am right now, basically feels like, "eat karma, make art or lose your mind.""
When stuff sticks, I ask my guides to show me the lesson.
Almost always there is some kind of fear based limiting belief that I am holding on to which snags the flow.
Once you see what you are holding on to, then you surrender it consciously to Goddess and ask Her to transmute it as She sees fit.

Humans are creatures of habit - we are what we do repeatedly.
And healing happens at a pace that Goddess sees fit for every individual.
Also, K-growth is cyclical meaning we repeatedly evolve - just like the Kundalini serpent sheds old skin that does not fit anymore.
So some times we have to go through the same lesson multiple times till we learn what Goddess wants us to learn.
This can feel discouraging sometimes because it may feel like we are making no progress because the issue keeps resurfacing even after we surrender.
But every tiny effort that we make, irrespective of flaws and imperfections, matters.
Healing happens in layers and at a pace that allows us to integrate the lesson.
Trying to force or control the pace means you are out of surrender.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IKWWCw6EpxM

"I guess I keep coming back to this idea of the way of the artist and wondering if that really is my fate, along with all the extremes, the heights and depths that come with that."

What does being an artist mean to *you*?

" I am a walking paradox of incredibly strong psychological stability and constitution and incredible intensity and this pull toward instability that feels like a continual test. "

"Always go a little further into the water than you feel you are capable of being in. Go a little bit out of your depth. And when you don't feel that your feet are quite touching the bottom, you're just about in the right place to do something exciting."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cNbnef_eXBM

"The outcome is no longer my focus. Basically, I must be what I am, like anything else in nature."

Beautiful. :)

I think the thing that discourages me is feeling like I keep missing whatever it is I'm supposed to be getting. But that's just a pattern of mine, I think, playing out. And, feels like I keep coming back to the same place. Every time I think I've made the breakthrough it's back through the mud within a week or two.

I know when I step back that I am evolving and the transformation has been remarkable and I appreciate this. I'm starting to wonder if contrary to my ongoing assumptions, I actually need to be eating *more* in a more conscious and assertive manner, i.e. focusing my vortex more on the pandemic and world events. Those energies seem to run a lot cleaner. And, it feels on some level that such work is integral to us pulling through to whatever comes next.

But yeah, it's a cycle. When grounding is not working, it makes me wonder if perhaps I am not getting enough of the other energies I need, and, on some level, maybe it causes some level of energetic misbehavior or unconsciously "broadcasting the wrong vibes" to trigger ppl around me which I don't realize, hence getting clogged up. Or, perhaps more likely, falling into martyr games.

Interesting, food for thought.

Hmm, I'm reminded to look at my childhood. It seems I carry more trauma in me than I realize because I've become so good at creating a buffer. There is this nasty, nasty thing that resides in me, feels like a demon and I always used to think that's what it was. It seems to be some fragment somewhat separate from me, but it does feel mean-spirited and while I'm usually the target of its abuse, it never has anything nice to say about others either.

I've always been sort of agnostic on metaphysical evil and demons and all that feeling it falls under a Judeo Cristian paradigm but the metaphor of a "demon within" feels useful. It certainly seems to take on that archetype.

It feels, most likely, this is actually a part of me, a splinter as has been discussed before in this thread. It seemed to crop up in early adolescence. The thing is, this splinter would seem to indicate that my childhood self felt neglected, or something else was not going right in the home growing up. My father had his own struggles with mental illness--his whole family has something going on in terms of mental/emotional stability--and my mother was wholesome and loving, but was nonetheless influenced by the coldness of her parents' generation.

I think, more likely, this demon within is the product of the rejection I repeatedly faced growing up due to the vampire vibe I gave off. It holds vestiges of a very cynical worldview, feels like others are hostile and there is a "me vs. the world" type of mentality at its root. I can see how it was adaptive for the child I was at the time and my nascent degree of psychological maturity.

I never liked this part of me so I locked it away and pretended it no longer existed, became the nicest, most friendly person around, so nice and friendly people around me switched from being hostile to no longer taking me seriously. I eventually forgot what it even means to be angry, upset, even sadness was fleeting. I just become numb, going through the motions, almost a husk of a person, a caricature. I grew increasingly depressed. It was the best I could do.

Fast forward and now this dark side has become the saboteur within. It tells me I do not belong anywhere, and works to make this a reality.  From a distance this fragment feels very bitter, evil, callous but when I really examine it I just feel pain, hurt of almost infinite depth. When I look back at how some people treated me as a child I do feel anger, almost indignant that people can treat a child so terribly. I think I have to honor that child's pain. It runs so deep and there is profundity in that. I do think, that this cynical outlook on other people, is presumptuous and no longer serves me. There were human and everyone has their limits. I cannot continue to expect rejection and hostility and to be frank, I am tired of bringing it on myself.

But it tells me I'm just the most wretched person on earth, that maybe they were all right about me all along. To think I've been walking around all these years, berating myself like this. I'm being told right now, "if you're the God of your own life, of course people around you will conform to this belief you hold." I guess this is coming to a head right now as my energies intensify and incongruencies become more incompatible. If the truth is that I'm not a horrid, wretched person, then this belief is incompatible with reality, and therefore it is a blockage to the shakti energy and the pain is telling me it is obsolete, time to let it go. Interesting arithmetic.

Where does it live? In my solar plexus. That seems to be the pressure, and the energy collects and coagulates around it. The monster seems to grow with increased stress or excessive coagulation, but this also helps to highlight it. I'm sure there will be more layers to this, but I do need to make peace with this. As Gopi quoted before, I should take this particular demon out to tea. I think that only I can change the pattern and show it what it means to love and perhaps most of all, to laugh.

  I am very certain you are not a horrible useless person. You are one of my compassionate superheroes in training.

I would have thought, the thing to resolve the allergy, throat sensitivity would have taken this splinter too. The Yogis say, it is important and empowering to wrestle your own demons.

What you need to know is, these critters are self created in a dark moment of despair and self loathing. They can only be created in the formative years of child's ego development, when the identity is still malleable,  and growing is about deciding who you want to be. When a child hates some aspect of their personality so much they try to amputate it, a splinter is created and it carries all the self loathing.

That tech, cannot be done on oneself in real time. The parts set in opposition, remain in opposition. They have not enough free will to be able to do anything else but express the self destruction and self loathing that they were created from.

  What is needed is the quantum ability to go back in time to the moment before the terrible decision was made, and give your child self an energy boost, love blast to alter their course. Instead of simply remembering, you are time travelling to be with your child self to support them through a difficult time. Some detachment required.

  The goal is to lift the child up emotionally, by providing uplifting energy, or taking the negative emotions, or simply being with them so a comforting presence is felt...  so they do not experience the deep despair and isolation that leads to the splinter being created.

  Vortexes do not seem to have a clue about entities and identity splinters.  I suspect this reveals something about their ability to get consent... no experience of separation? Been trying to get my head around it.

  BTW: when you are experiencing the big big love for everybody, is when you are *being* Goddess.  That is how the Planet feels about each and every one of us. So beautiful eh? Opposite of your demon... yet the demon loves you like that too, it just cannot express it.  Everything is love, or a plea for love.

"When grounding is not working, it makes me wonder if perhaps I am not getting enough of the other energies I need, and, on some level, maybe it causes some level of energetic misbehavior or unconsciously "broadcasting the wrong vibes" to trigger ppl around me which I don't realize, hence getting clogged up"

I have experienced this too.
I intentionally stayed a hermit for the past 2 years because I did not feel like forcing myself to be social.
I am realizing that there are very real consequences for ignoring our very human needs.
And as you have pointed out, sometimes we get our 'fixes' unconsciously when the needs cannot be ignored any further.

I am very much against hitting children because I was hit repeatedly as a child.
But there is a theory that sometimes children misbehave unconsciously (esp in families where positive touching is rare) so that they get touched even if it is about disciplining.
Pretty messed up and don't like it because adults can use this sort of explanation as an excuse for their abuse and neglect - the child was asking for it, etc.
My point is - when we don't consciously acknowledge and take care of our needs, they don't simply vanish and usually manifest in other undesirable ways.

" this dark side has become the saboteur within. It tells me I do not belong anywhere, and works to make this a reality."

Mine calls me a 'fraud' and tells me that 'if people *really* knew who you are, no one will like you'.
Bitter, hyper-critical of everything, never satisfied with anything, no joy, no playfulness, no wonder.
My inner saboteur will make cruel remarks about my own limitations but never offer any constructive advice about how to improve myself.
I can get stuck in self-harm loops if I am not careful.

My inner saboteur will beat me till I am black and blue with constant insults, self-doubts, and hostile judgments.
Then at some point, I break down and will start identifying as victim.
Once I enter victim mentality, then it triggers old patterns of self-harm and abuse because that's what the victim knows.
When I indulge in self-harm, the next day morning the saboteur comes back with more hurtful stuff.
Rinse. Lather. Repeat.
It takes inner strength to resist the urge to pick scabs of old wounds.

As Mystress says: "...yet the demon loves you like that too, it just cannot express it.  Everything is love, or a plea for love."
Our demons are our best friends - they never leave you and will always tell you the truth that you don't want to hear.
The more we ignore our demons, the harsher they become to grab our attention.
When I say that our demons tell us the truth, I don't mean that we should believe everything that our demons may tell us.
Our demons point to a fundamental fact about ourselves that we usually ignore.
Our demons may shout hurtful things but they are trying to get our attention about something.
When your demon shows you something about yourself, say 'Thank you!' and see what happens.

HUGS
Gopi

Hi,
I would like to share some angle of thinking that for me revealed some helpful ideas.
When I was thinking about kundalini as biological force I realized that one aspect of what it does that it sort of restarts ones puberty or even times before that. In our growth DNA activated RNA coding in early childhood and later on, sometimes perhaps in environment of stress thus it developed our brain and nervous systems in a certain way, to match the environment. However stress based system is not suitable or advantageous in times of peace. Normally this process happens just once and then it's done.
The kundalini seemed to me as a mercy mechanism or as ancient second chance mechanism that is a able to activate when its obvious that the build system is very bad match for current, actual environment.
Thus reactivating the DNA coding at its important junctions again sending signals to build a more wholesome nervous system and brain. Simply as method to assure better survival for what would be otherwise a failed unit.

What that means is fascinating because it would hint that one gets to live in a second body while just living as usual. Because of a hardware upgrade. Ofcourse impacts on whole psychology would be massive.
For long time I was thinking that the DNA reactivating is just new age nonsense.
However the chance that ones DNA activation restarts while one is already mature explains many of the kundalini phenomena and also why the shift in awareness is so big. Because is not just a psychological shift but one ends literally in another body while alive.
Then there is the task to match the psychology to this new body and work the old stuff out.
And while doing this unusual process one gets to live two lives or in between and thus perhaps get much wisdom. Peking beyond or under the hood.
If I look at spiritual growth from this perspective it seems as extremely tough to get it right on first go type of thing, crazy thing to even try. Changing hardware and software at the same time while the system has to be running. Yet as I now know the body mind connection, the deep growth is really a body shift. Seems to me that in many cases of real growth one finishes some evolution that should ideally be done as child at that age long ago. So in that way the idea of time travel is essential because the child development has to be finished and done. Not just doing some forgiving or releasing etc. But done in reality as redeveloping in physical way and later the psychological way build on more healthy system.

To do it now as adult and yet remain at least somewhat functional seems a tall order. Yet If it can be done by few now perhaps it can be done in better way by many later.  Spiritual path is very tough I think partly because its a body transformation, not just a psychological transformation, like shift in ideas or beliefs.
Then if you just live regular life and go trough it and remain functional its a magnifcent victory.

Mystress once said that the spiritual growth will be the hardest thing you will ever do.
If I look back at my procces and realize that I managed to live trough it still living a normal life, more or less, I'm just totally astonished. Looking  back I think I underestimated the complexity of the human beeing and its evolution very much.
I'm greatly thankful to guidance and autopilot processes, as what was really going on under the hood vas truly vast.
Hope some of this can be of help.

Love
Duu

Mystress wrote: "Vortexes do not seem to have a clue about entities and identity splinters.  I suspect this reveals something about their ability to get consent... no experience of separation? Been trying to get my head around it. "

When I tune into vortex, the voice is always 'we' and not 'I'.
Child like glee and curiosity seems to be the default mood.

I was recently chatting with a friend and was telling him that I generally have no sense of self.
When I look at my career accomplishments, they really do not give me a sense of accomplishment or sense of self.
Interestingly, when I help someone or do service, my heart is happy and full.
So I have no sense of self in terms of accomplishments but feel happy t0 be alive when I am of service to another.

When I have to write job application letters, I struggle a lot because I don't know how to sell myself by writing 'I am the best of this.. I am no 1 in that..' and feel completely out of my element even thinking like that.
Not sure how much of this is about my Indian middle class parents repeatedly emphasizing to stay humble.
I can tell others what I have done and what I think I am capable of doing.
But selling myself feels so painful and awkward for me right now.

Surrendering it all to Goddess.

Yeah I'm just not giving myself credit and mercy here. This is hard work! I've been practicing grounding in front of a mirror lately to really enhance the visualization which does make it more robust, but my sense is grounding alone will not lead to resolution of this splinter. I will try the time travel thing - thought this was a shaman ability but certainly worth a shot. Interestingly, the esp stuff grew coinciding with the brief quasi psychosis state - just knowing when people are talking or thinking about me and then they reach out saying "so we were talking about you earlier" and I'm tempted to say "I know."

"Just knowing" stuff and psychic smell and clairgustance seem to be the biggest things as of late. I might be beating myself up about my symptoms when, in actually, they may just be developmental. Lately, restless limbs, very noticeable tinnitus.  Kunalini 101, grounding and letting the energy do its thing seems to be the order of the day.

I do wonder sometimes why it is I feel like I even have to have myself together, sorted out, spiritually or otherwise. I do think the robust grounding is helpful in the sense that it keeps me in the place of still moving through this stuff but not being fettered by it.

I relate to the "no sense of self" and trying to sell oneself - this always felt, to me, like some kind of ego attempt at humility. I will say, my sense of self lately fluctuates between empty, full of existential pain, or bliss. The identity associated with each of these is fickle, seemingly not a part of something cohesive. When I look at others around me, their sense of self has always seemed narratively cohesive, strong, well organized and I've always been a bit of a floater. Sometimes I wonder what it was like to have that solid biographical sense of self, agency, etc., sometimes I vaguely remember what it was like but I don't think it was ever in place for me completely. I was transfixed and mesmerized by clouds or other phenomena of nature  - losing myself, in retrospect - while other kids were playing kickball.

And Duu - I'm thoroughly convinced that if I had not awakened early in my life I would not have made it. I think kundalini was in the cards for me either way, but the timing felt like it was a survival imperative thing. When I look back, there has been so much intervention to save my silly ass before higher levels of awareness came online. In retrospect, was probably my guide.

Still haven’t been eating enough. Some things for me seem off limits for some reason. I don’t get much of a buzz from the pandemic or the current seemingly revolutionary times. Perhaps these two situations and the energies surrounding them are somewhat off limits at least at this time.

AA and Al Anon seem to feed me best.

A lot of my hardship also seems to be resistance to the larger scale things going on in the world, falling into fear and concern for humanity’s future etc. This sneaked up on me and started with covid. I guess it just feels like the stakes and energies are very high. Probably affecting us all on different levels. I can feel it in my mind and body, impressions of the collective.

Need to get back into the habit of surrendering impressions, thoughts, concerns as they come up. Must see the perfection in the unfolding. I think this very act of surrendering these collective impressions is my small part to help. I do think, any fear in me is the sticking point and there’s definitely plenty of fear floating around to get damned up.

The attachment to the music is the main dam it seems. Tricky business. Cleared it again. Sometimes just walking away is the best thing to do when things start getting stuck, at least for me. Then go back fresh, less serious.

There’s another portion of this that seems to consist of a blockage from living life, or being present for it and truly encountering life as it is. There have been so many opportunities and things in life I have not taken because of this weight holding me back. I don’t share my ideas, insights, perspective. This does not feel like a splinter, but a blockage. A heavy one, though. I know what the prognosis of this is, unaddressed - a life filled with a lot of loneliness and missed opportunities.

Some identity stuff going on, too, in the sense that while I’m in a male body my energy and sense of self has always felt female, or perhaps more androgynous with a female valence. For many years I never even thought much of, or noticed this, other than most of my talents in life are traditionally female roles.

Traditional notions of masculinity are not interesting nor compelling to me, and thankfully this has never really be hoisted upon me. I guess I just want to be a whole person but I think that we ultimately do run up on others’ expectations based on the way we physically manifest in the world.

I guess there’s some scared little boy in me somewhere, still terrified to meet life as it is. This avoidant part of me has protected me from a lot of drama over the years. Maybe it was even adaptive. I think it is accumulating karma gunk now though, so time to let it go.

So weird, though, looking back at all these aspects. I’ve come to call the demon splinter Gollum. I think it is indeed protective of me but it is fairly undeveloped, immature in many ways. It tends to be proud and arrogant in an indignant sort of way. It’s weird though because sometimes I wonder, could I actually use a little bit more of that? Might actually help me kick karma trash bin syndrome. Might be good to examine my judgments around these things.

   You have always felt female to me. I have to keep reminding myself you are not, even did admin mod on your profile to show the male symbol to remind myself.  That is unusual. Revisit the reverse gendered people lesson, and take another look. Are you missing a significant chunk of memories from your childhood? Think of your school years, try to remember one thing about each year.

There’s another portion of this that seems to consist of a blockage from living life, or being present for it and truly encountering life as it is.

  That seems to be the nearly universal motive for a gender reversal. Kid feels they are not strong enough to do life, and they try to bail without suicide.

The attachment to the music is the main dam it seems. Tricky business. Cleared it again.

  Please, get an instrument you cannot take seriously, like a ukulele or a kazoo, and have fun with it. Nobody is making albums of kazoo music, not even Weird Al. Get an unpopular instrument like an accordion that nobody wants to listen to. Play some polka music. A little concertina squeeze box to serenade trees with. Then, notice your thoughts about it.
 
I think this very act of surrendering these collective impressions is my small part to help. I do think, any fear in me is the sticking point and there’s definitely plenty of fear floating around to get damned up.

Your help is not small. You are a superhero.

  After She made me Her avatar,  Goddess Planet put finding the path of transcendence for vampires and training them as #1 priority for me, Her will.  At the time, it seemed to be about cleaning graveyards and old battlegrounds, type stuff. Museums like Auschwitz are off limits but there is a whole lot of misery put into the earth over thousands of years and She cannot clear it Herself because of respect for free will. I get the sense human emotional pollution makes blockages in Her field just as it does in ours. Clearing it empowers Her to have more elbow room when it comes to climate change, which is also a result of human free will. 

  Check with your guide about it.   

BTW night vision yes but it is partly 3rd eye. 

So, a lot of new (or not so new) stuff. Realizing a lot of my physical and mental difficulties seem to be diet/candida related. Been putting off big changes for years -- less carbs, little to no more sugar. I tend to attribute everything to metaphysical/kundalini stuff but realizing a candida is a big thing for me causing the brain fog, depression etc.

Will revisit the reversed gender lesson. This does feel like something I need to look at more. Honestly, never thought much of it before but right now it just seems plainly obvious to me. Which, makes me wonder if I have partitioned myself from my male self in some sense? Because overall, I feel my spirit is androgynous and I know I have the male part somewhere.

On the music, released a lot of that by sharing the ideas I was working on with the band and just letting them go, will be what they will be. I should pick up a new instrument -- my father played the accordion which was always a lot of fun and festive in nature. Recently felt drawn to the mandolin.

Wish I could keep the music purely fun, purely music; most of the musicians I admire always said they were surprised anyone liked iwhat they were doing and just did it because something in them called them to it. I get that feeling of love and enjoyment in my heart playing bass, specifically. Feels like a calling on some level. I remember once after recently moving out west driving and just had this deep, palpable sense that playing bass was what I needed to be doing. My soul loves it.

Maybe, instead of sitting down only to practice new stuff or try to improve, I should just play and groove for it's own sake. The the longest time I pushed to get better so I'd have creative freedom but I'm pretty much there now, time to relax.

I do get the sense right now that I'm being pushed into simpler living. I'm okay with that. No more need to be serious. I don't even know where this feeling came from that I needed to prove anything to anyone, other than feeling I'm not enough. The struggle is old, laughter feels like such a good alternative.

So, according to the lesson, it looks like I have a female ego? The trauma bit, not being able to handle life, all makes sense. I was thinking about this earlier, how it feels like I'm not "all here" in this reality, like a part of me dipped out when I was younger. I think even people around me can see it, perceiving me as aloof.

Must be the time for this to come up.

May be on to something regarding feeding. Seems potentiated by tuning into the person in question, which seems to bring about a second sight and ability to feel them. From there, I leave it to the vortex because I don’t really know what all the impressions mean or how to interpret them - I’m not the person - and I don’t want to be intrusive. It does require that I take a few moments out of the day to do this. Plenty of clients with snackable stuff. 

But, knock on wood, I think I might start feeling a lot better in a few days with this. It’s quite invigorating in a way I have not felt before

Quote from: TheFifth on Aug 14, 2020, 07:23:37 PM
From there, I leave it to the vortex because I don’t really know what all the impressions mean or how to interpret them - I’m not the person - and I don’t want to be intrusive.

But, knock on wood, I think I might start feeling a lot better in a few days with this. It’s quite invigorating in a way I have not felt before

In service to Goddess.  It does feel good.  :)

leave it to the vortex because I don’t really know what all the impressions mean or how to interpret them

  You learned backwards. :)  What you describe is normal empathic healing stuff. Yeah learning to interpret can take years, but on an unconscious level you already know and with the guide, learning is a bit optional. Guide will deliver the pearls of wisdom from the transmutation. 

  Is like other, with ascension. Stop trying to think of what to say, being the do-er.  Just listen selflessly and the perfect words come out of your mouth without thinking.

  Note: Did a bit of tidying, moving some posts from Pandemic Escape Plan thread.  Moving Priestessss misplaced post to her blog.

My friend seems to be doing better for now, he’s on roughly day eight of what appear to be COVID symptoms and no downward spiral. I know this is anything but a scientific experiment but I think I’ve learned a lot from it in other ways. That’s one thing I was wondering - if peace can be a treatment in addition to prevention.

Since seemingly discovering how to properly feed myself, lots of energy activity, digestive, psychological. It feels, on some level, that many of the developmental processes rely on my feeding and when I wasn’t feeding right, it was throwing me into somnolence and depression. The deficit grew with demand.

One thing I am curious about if if I’m automatically pulling from large collectives, why must I feed consciously on individuals? Might have to do with being in alignment with myself in some way.

Wondering if my other health stuff is related to starvationâ€"maybe. Will see. I suspect every day I’ll get a little stronger. Feels like gradually waking up to the world again. I forgot what it feels like to feel normal and clearâ€"haven’t felt  that way since I was probably 12.

if peace can be a treatment in addition to prevention.

I have been considering it as treatment. Better to destroy the virus before infection takes hole but peace works regardless, so far.

One thing I am curious about if if I’m automatically pulling from large collectives, why must I feed consciously on individuals? Might have to do with being in alignment with myself in some way.

  I don't know. Same for me. People putting my photo on their altar shipping me their karma (I don't approve but they don't ask me) mediates the shaman imperative but I still need to do the work, have the connection. My Guru spirit self might be tending to hundreds every night and it enhances my power and lightens the need but I am still here doing the work, one on one.

  My tentative conclusion is it is different food, calls for a balanced diet. :) The personal work touches the heart in a way the anonymous and automatic does not.  We are social animals. 
 

Think I’m in place. All that hardship made me stronger, wiser. The counseling work is the perfect pipeline for food but also for learning and growing. It really does feed the heart.

It’s amazing though how when things are in place, everything runs perfectly. I think even with talents, they really are gifts and when things are in place, they boggle the mind but they’re so effortless.

Incoming “dread” vibes, seems maybe residue from the healing work. But, interestingly, grounding seems to be effective now so it counteracts it. Grounding therefore seems effective granted I’m fed with the other energies I need.

Being properly fed, I realize I’m incredibly astute to people and vibes around me. I can read a person and what they’re about from practically a mile away. I’m definitely turning out to be more psychically aware than I realized; won’t get fixated on it but it is cool to be aware on those levels as a “new normal.”

Incoming “dread” vibes, seems maybe residue from the healing work. But, interestingly, grounding seems to be effective now so it counteracts it. Grounding therefore seems effective granted I’m fed with the other energies I need.

  Importance of a balanced diet eh? Like how  the body needs magnesium to be able to utilize calcium (https://www.news-medical.net/news/20110615/Magnesium-essential-for-absorption-and-metabolism-of-vitamin-D-and-calcium.aspx), or how the body needs B12 to be able to use iron to make new blood cells.  All the iron supplements didn't make a dent in my anaemia until I started getting B12 injections too.  We are not like koala bears, made to eat only one food.  The more variety, the better off we are.

   Summary:

  One-on-one counselling snacks: Feeds the heart, fulfillment is better than happiness.  Improves your place in the world, "How to make friends and influence people" is grounding in the here and now, dealing with what is on the plate in front of you. Taking care of the Maslow physical base needs for mental health, social support and engagement with ease you have never known before.  Keeps you in the moment, helpful for the ascended to make connections that help stay anchor in linear time.  Plus it pays the rent eh? There is no issue with charging to help people, so long as you are also available pro-bono when called.

  Mass feeding: mass energy and karma bonus points that help you stay ascended and expanding. No human will pay you for snacking on Brazil's covid grief  but servants of Goddess get paid in things money cannot buy.  Your life experience is singular and amazing. You experience things most people could never imagine or dream of, magic sparking from your fingertips like something out of fantasy fiction except it is the synchronicities that provide the result, as if part of a disguise.

  Artistic outlet is essential as water, for detox and for finding a good outlet (pissing out lol no.) for the massive amounts of raw Vajra creative energy of the universe that is a byproduct of the Alchemy before it can latch onto a stray thought or fear and give bad accidental manifestations. 
  The results can be sold so long as monetization is not the primary motive or creative influence. The Must must have Her way, first. The art is in the doing. Alternatively, a balance of personal and professional.

  Grounding keeps you straight, free from fear and connected to the Planet Mind that shaped you to be as you are.  What I have been seeing, and I assumed you knew so I have not mentioned it... with the big mass feedings, stadiums and such, a huge percentage of the vajra is going to the Earth, vortex guide directs it there. You are only getting as much as you can handle. 

  Earth wants that, needs it. Surprises me, I think of Her as needing nothing but She put vamp training top of my things to do list and the mass, quantum work is clearly the why of it.  Didn't seem to mind when I gave up doing outreach and focused on the vamps of FST. Everytime one of you starts mass feeding it feels like She hugs my shoulders appreciatively. So odd to feel Her so human.

 

Just an observation but the fleeting psychosis-like thoughts and impressions seem to exist for me on the border between resistance and surrender. They have this interesting tasty character to them and if I can just relax into them they become sort of like candy. This seems corroborated by migraine-like headache yesterday which usually for me comes at the end of a logjam.

It's difficult to tell sometimes what is my body and its seemingly relentless cascade of inflammation and what is kundalini or resistance-related. Asked for help because carrying on was just starting to feel almost impossible and came across licorice root which gave me the biggest "yes" from my body of anything I've tried before.

Quote from: TheFifth on Aug 21, 2020, 12:14:20 PM
Just an observation but the fleeting psychosis-like thoughts and impressions seem to exist for me on the border between resistance and surrender. They have this interesting tasty character to them and if I can just relax into them they become sort of like candy.

   Keeps surprising me when the vampire journey is so like the Shaman path. Regular awakened folks don't get that fear of insanity fear of death bzzz shiver fear ecstasy pleasure. The frisson of fear that tingles the skin purrrr piquant hot sauce, sweet and spicy and icy all at once or in layers.  For a good time, send it into the pearl of ascension.

  Kinky folks, roller coaster fans, horror movie aficionados know that fear can be fun. Can make you feel more alive, shot of adrenaline. 

  If Goddess wanted you crazy, you would be crazy. If She wanted you dead, same. Surrender those fears.

  Ya know, mindfulness is not about obsessively worrying about your health and sanity.

  I have been so empathic for so long that I often do not pay much attention to my emotions. Might not even be mine... flows along faster without resistance and ignoring them is sometimes quite efficient. I get odd aches and pains, stomach upset... is it even mine? Might not be, let it go.

  This morning at checkin, dreamwalker reported what he thought might be a pinched nerve. As he was trying to describe the exact spot behind his ear where he felt it, I got the movie and started talking about how the place on my skull where the surgeons removed a disc of bone the size of a loonie and glued it back in, in 2009 has been aching with pressure from my glasses, and weather changes lately. His guide confirmed, the pain he was feeling was actually mine... for me it is a dull ache.  I had thought to ask him about it, accidentally passed it to him with that thought. Felt his fingertip tracing the circle of bone scar from the inside as if smoothing clay. Cool. I looked at the pain he reported in his shoulder, it melted into something like warm golden honey at my slighted touch. Ghost pain, not his.

   I spent a weekend in someone else's catatonic state, once. Was interesting, such a deep apathy that moving at all seems pointless. The worried look in druid's eyes brought me back, I burned through it in a day once I remembered it wasn't mine. It had taken the owner six months in an institution.  The essence of it was self pity. meh.

  One guy kept accidentally shipping me his depression. That stuff was devastating, total motivation killer not even enough to want to fix it. I lost days... he is a good guy and made it up to me though. Part of the job sometimes.

   So you see what I am getting at?  You have bits and pieces of other people, a lot of other people flowing through you at different times, some of that will give, mostly fleeting impressions unless you obsess about it, fearing for your sanity. Then you attach and make it yours and it gums up the works.

Sit beside the river, watch it float by. Yours, not yours? All goes down river.



 

   

Yeah it's different everyday, digestive issues one day, cloudy head another, depression another. Then my patterns of wanting to ascribe meaning to everything come up. This makes sense. Mindfulness muscles should be priority for a while.

I remember thinking a while back the psychosis thing was a phase of sorts but I think it is just a variety of food. It's more the feeling of going insane than insanity itself because I think psychosis is submersion in it without a line back to shore. But yeah, the feelings/thoughts have a silly candy-like component right before they transmute.

I was thinking last night, reflecting on some rather bitter, mean people in my life and realizing how tasty the nastiness is, what could be more enlightening than taking that energy and turning it into invigorating food?

Interesting corroboration earlier that some of the intense impressions and visions I was having weren't all just craziness. A friend of mine is experiencing relationship difficulties and somehow for a week or two I just knew, and kept having thoughts about the boyfriend and just that tense feeling that "something is going on" but I thought it was paranoid thoughts. In hindsight it almost feels like I was looking at the circuit board of the dynamic going on with them right now, seeing and palpably feeling his doubts, his pulling away. Seems to happen more when I'm in their presence.

Feels like I can subtly sense the entire pattern. Figure if I can perceive this whole thing and it is so persistent in my consciousness it's probably a feeding invitation.

TheFifth wrote: "Seems to happen more when I'm in their presence.
Feels like I can subtly sense the entire pattern. "
I have experienced this in varying degrees.
Sometimes it is just intuition and vampire brain working at a speed/capacity that feels like magic.
As your own energy channel becomes more 'clear' (meaning less karma held in body), you become very sensitive to everything around you.
So even if someone does not speak, you can sense their mood and energy.

Most of us have five senses but usually one or two of the senses are dominant.
Majority of the people are vision oriented and it structures how they 'view' and relate to the world.
I am more of a touch and smell dominant person meaning I can discern a lot by touching another person.
This is also why I consider myself a naturally gifted massage therapist (and been told by others who received massages from me) - I close my eyes and 'see' through my hands.
I do not get 'visions' like many people do but I can feel very subtle things that are difficult to explain to the rational mind.
In the past, I have walked past trees in full bloom and experienced 'tiny tree orgasms' (for lack of a better phrase).

Sometimes I get information download about someone's past trauma, family history, and ancestry (when it is appropriate and required for healing).
This means when I encounter a specific incident with a person, I also get a blueprint understanding of why they behave the way do.
All of this happens without conscious effort.
I requested my guides to create a filter so that I don't get overwhelmed.
I am only shown what is required and forget all details once the work is done - clean slate.
Sometimes Goddess will give insights for me once the work is done.
It is very important to maintain personal boundaries (do not project needs onto others) and energy hygiene (dump overload) while doing healing work.

Mystress taught me active learning for healing.
Get grounded, set aside your own thoughts and desires, and fully listen to the other person without trying to fix them.
All I need to do is ask 'Hello.. how are you today?' and the other person opens up to tell me what they need help with.
It still astounds me how effective this simple technique is - I don't need to ask any complex questions or figure out anything.
When you *really* listen to another person, they will most likely come to a place of understanding about their issues on their own without much input from you.
Many times, I have just been a witness listening to them and people figure out things on their own (and thank me for it!!  ;D)

Best laid plans, eh? FST, not healer training, inward focus... and then along came vampires.

So it goes.

Welcome to my world, lol. You have both had sessions with me and all these tearoom posts. What is my score for accuracy eh? Laying out the whole pattern and how to resolve, sometimes based on very little information, and as if I am answering questions you had not yet thought to ask...  hard for me to even recall how far back it goes. Realizing my mom was insane at age 8... my siblings didn't figure it out until she was in her late 80's... they were so shocked. I was shaking my head wondering how they missed the memo.

  Generally yes, if Goddess is showing you the menu then it is snackable.  Occasionally the information may be for your own insights, especially when dealing with  car salesmen etc, ... insights on how to relate to difficult or adversarial people. Sometimes you get info to keep to yourself until the moment is right.  Like the stories where a letter is kept by a lawyer to be delivered at a certain date in the future, or after a specific event like a funeral.

  I had one of those. A friend asked me to heal his wife who was ill with brain cancer.  Right away I got a sense I could do little but help with pain because the death was chosen, on an unconscious level, and why. She was recently retired and wanted to set him free to pursue interests they did not share. I said nothing of this to either of them. About five years after she died, he was talking suicidal. Planning to abandon his bodybuilder health practices and slowly drink himself to death. Time to deliver the post dated message. He could feel that it was true, and he had to live fully or it would invalidate her sacrifice.

Typo in my previous post: active *listening* not learning.

Duu wrote: "Thus reactivating the DNA coding at its important junctions again sending signals to build a more wholesome nervous system and brain. Simply as method to assure better survival for what would be otherwise a failed unit.
Spiritual path is very tough I think partly because its a body transformation, not just a psychological transformation, like shift in ideas or beliefs."
Good to hear from you Duu.
This is a fascinating idea indeed.
I want to add that evolutionary intelligence is not the same as logical knowledge.
Concerns like 'getting it right' and 'body/mind split' are overwhelming problems only for the rational mind and individual sense of self.
I can understand some aspects of what you mean by 'spiritual path is tough' but I also think it is the most natural thing if you trust the process instead of trying to control it.
Fish gotta swim; birds gotta fly; people gotta evolve.
If I ask you to sit down and get up, you can do it easily.
If I ask you to explain how you are using the muscles in your body while you are sitting down and getting up, then it becomes very difficult.

When you are connected through love, you can call upon the strengths and wisdom of your ancestors because it is in your DNA.
I don't mean seances, channeling, hearing voices, and seeing visions kind of knowledge. But more like Neo learning kung-fu from program uploads in the matrix kind of stuff.
Not easy to explain to myself.

I agree with you that spiritual growth is a bodily process.
I use the word transmutation (change in fundamental property e.g. lead to gold) and not transformation (change in form e.g. gold plated silver).
But the idea that spiritual path *has* to be tough is a limiting belief and most likely comes from cultures that have suffered terrible losses as a coping mechanism.
It can also be a clever ego trick for claiming special-ness (the more you suffer, the holier you are).
Spirituality is not all sunshine and hugs but at the same time it is not about torturing yourself your entire life so you can win some prize at the finishing line.
I don't believe in that kind of spirituality.
Acts of love and pleasure serve Goddess.

TheFifth wrote: "One thing I am curious about if if I’m automatically pulling from large collectives, why must I feed consciously on individuals? Might have to do with being in alignment with myself in some way."

Mystress wrote: "My tentative conclusion is it is different food, calls for a balanced diet. The personal work touches the heart in a way the anonymous and automatic does not.  We are social animals."
When I visited Mystress in Vancouver, I kept trying to eat the food druid made for Mystress even though druid made me delicious food.
I did not want any of the other delicious snacks but I really liked the manduka honey that druid bought for Mystress.
When something is made with love, it nourishes your body, mind, and soul.
Tune in to your gut and see how it responds to these.
(1) Eating fast food prepared by underpaid and over-worked employees
(2) Leftovers from a meal prepared by a loved one
(3) A simple dinner you made with vegetables you grew in your garden
(4) A fancy meal in a nice restaurant shared with a friend
(5) A bowl of soup your neighbor made for you when you are sick

All of the above is food but they nourish you in different ways.
Intentionality matters a lot.
That's why magic rituals emphasize thought, word, and action.
When someone does something intentionally, they are manifesting reality.
There is trust involved when people intentionally and lovingly do things for each other.
That kind of trust is sacred and does not happen with automatic mass feeding.

Intentional feeding is necessary especially in capitalist societies.
Philosophers and research scholars have pointed out that alienation is a direct effect of capitalist exploitation that most people cannot escape.
People experience alienation as:

• “…negative thoughts that oppose your best interests and diminish your self esteem”
• “…hostile, judgmental thoughts also warn you about other people and create a negative, pessimistic picture”
• “…destructive internalized thoughts lead to a sense of alienation â€" a feeling of being removed from ourselves and distant from those we love.”

Source: Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice by Robert W. Firestone, Lisa Firestone, and Joyce Catlett

Namaste!
Gopi

The conscious individualized feeding does seem to feed the heart quite a lot and has probably contributed to my spiritual growth more than anything else.  The intentionality of it seems integral. Been having quite a growth spurt of the heart lately. Very grateful.

Had a death in the family recently, felt the presence of angels last night discussing the person in question with a loved one. Felt like I was overshadowed briefly, animatedly, energetically telling her, it's all going to be okay. Very, very peaceful to know. Such deep honor and respect for this person; felt like she was there, listening to our conversation, like it all needed to happen. So much depth, peace, serenity, gratitude around such events.

Quote from: Gopi on Aug 30, 2020, 08:00:48 AM
Typo in my previous post: active *listening* not learning.

Duu wrote: "Thus reactivating the DNA coding at its important junctions again sending signals to build a more wholesome nervous system and brain. Simply as method to assure better survival for what would be otherwise a failed unit.
Spiritual path is very tough I think partly because its a body transformation, not just a psychological transformation, like shift in ideas or beliefs."

Good to hear from you Duu.
This is a fascinating idea indeed.
I want to add that evolutionary intelligence is not the same as logical knowledge.

  I call what we do, "Selfless listening." Active listening is defined a bit differently and not so miraculous especially when practiced by one who is ascended, and quantum.

  People think DNA is set at conception and that's it but there is so much more. The DNA for how the body responds to stress, is set by childhood experiences and massively difficult to change later except by time travel. There is an FST lesson about how Kundalini can affect DNA.

  When you fully set your own interests aside to really listen to someone, instead of thinking of what to say when it is your turn to speak, something awesome happens.  It is experienced as being unconditionally loved and people will tell you anything. Their heart opens and the contents pours out.

  I do it at the start of sessions, at the same time asking Goddess within them, why She brought them to me and She uses their words to tell me, like there are two conversations happening at the same time. Everything they say, has dual meanings.  Opening to the download of the pattern info.

  Grokking. "Stranger in a Strange Land" is on the recommended reading list for FST.. if there was one. When the man from mars finally has his first kiss, she faints. The other women get curious and they faint too. When the elder narrator tries to get the women to explain why they point to his single minded focus. Most people's intimacy is limited by the noise in their head but when he kissed them, it was with his whole attention. Nothing else going on but fully experiencing the kiss. Grokking is a martian word that isn't translatable but it means drink, absorb, know and understand fully, embrace, love... Cool book, a little dated but still worth reading. 

  For many years I was puzzled by people saying they had felt my energy, long before they ever met or heard of me.  Sigmund first felt me, I would have been a baby. dreamwalker and I are about the same age and he had many memories of me appearing in visions that started when he was seven, he thought I was not real because I did not age.  Imagine his surprise to see my photo. One day he told me about a very traumatic event in his life and the next time he told the story it was a difficult yet inspiring memory because it included a vision, my presence encouraging him, and feeling so loved.

  It was not that his memories had changed... his past, had changed.

Loneliness, feeling alone is a major component in the formation of post traumatic stress. When someone who has trauma, shares the memory with one who is ascended, quantum, selflessly listening and telepathic enough to get the movie as the memories are being told, is there with them. Quantum navigation, you go where you focus on. To the moment when the trauma memory was being formed, to that time and place to be with them in that moment... and the trauma does not form because of the support they feel. Not alone. Instead there is a sense of wonder, of being touched by magic.  The DNA does not get the stress buttons switched on.

  The depression/immune system resolution is the same gig in a different form. Only ascended people and genuine shamans can do it because it requires walking into the shadow aspect of someone's consciousness to call out the denizens that abide there. Ascended, quantum, really can go anywhere and any when.  Un-ascended people cannot do it, have tried to teach but they just get imagination bs, where the results of the quantum are absolutely consistent. (Thus, not sharing the details here.)  It is also just about the only tech that is impossible to DIY, the parts that are set against, do not co-operate with the one who created them.

  In that work it is their own higher self that does the time travel, offering a gift of wisdom and energy to the past self in the moment before the splinter is created, motivating a different decision in the past so the splintering does not happen. The splinters disappear, looking very happy. Everything is love, even self created demons.

  I feel it is cleaner, because the healer is not inserted into the past of the recipient. The dysfunctions the splinters were causing simply disappear as if they never existed except for the memories of how bad things used to be. There is a difference to how the past is affected, as shown by the changes in memory. 

Gopi wrote:  Concerns like 'getting it right' and 'body/mind split' are overwhelming problems only for the rational mind and individual sense of self.
I can understand some aspects of what you mean by 'spiritual path is tough' but I also think it is the most natural thing if you trust the process instead of trying to control it.
Fish gotta swim; birds gotta fly; people gotta evolve.
If I ask you to sit down and get up, you can do it easily.
If I ask you to explain how you are using the muscles in your body while you are sitting down and getting up, then it becomes very difficult.

   Well... FST Lineage fellas are mixing it up. Teachable moment lol. Sorry to hijack your blog, TF.

  For sure, the road back to Her is embedded in our DNA... but the idea that results in an easy is not validated as the reality of what people experience. It is the spirit perspective not the human reality.

   So recently I mentioned to WZ, that from the perspective of mind and body, (but mostly mind) spirit can seem to be a gaping anus.

  Do you remember that exercise where you take a few steps behind yourself until your normal body and mind appear to be a well loved toy you want to play with? It is a delightful and powerful experience to be your Divine self in that way, great for self-healing.

  Looking at it another way, if someone described you as their best loved toy to mess with... unless you love them and are really submissive you would probably feel massively disrespected and think that person is a totally narcissistic gaping anus.

   So it is, when I write from Witness state I set the message aside and return to it later to humanize and soften it so the directness is not misunderstood as anger. To not be the gaping anus.

  Duu, for a long time you have had a tendency to get knocked out of body and speak from spirit and how that turns you gaping is something you have worked on with great success and it shows in this post.  It is grounded and compassionate.

  Gopi, on the other hand... you are speaking of the ideals of spirit with little compassion for how for most people, the ego is all they know of themselves. 

  You grew up in Guru culture where these ideas were all around you. Duu grew up under the thumb of some of the most brutal repressive communism the world has ever known.  His childhood makes Orwell's "1984" look peaceful and abundant. Speaking only from the values of spirit, you dismiss your own struggle too. 

  That whole, spiritual person preaching from the crown chakra aloof thing ... it really does not look good on anyone. Honour your own struggles instead of dismissing them as error. It is another layer of learning to love yourself better.

  You are quantum, visit your past depressed suicidal self and tell him all he has to do is stop acting from his ego and see if he wants to punch you in the face. I know you do not have to, you already know that was not what he needed. Go hug him instead, be a loving accepting compassionate presence for your past self.


Not easy to explain to myself.

I agree with you that spiritual growth is a bodily process.
 
  Good to know you are sorting it for yourself and not preaching.
  FST is a body-first path so that is a given.

But the idea that spiritual path *has* to be tough is a limiting belief and most likely comes from cultures that have suffered terrible losses as a coping mechanism.

Yeah, that is a fantasy idea. People are surprised when someone who is seen as wealthy and successful, are found dead of suicide.  The attitude is changing with greater understanding of depression as an illness.  "He must be happy with everything he's got..." 
  [url ="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BnJeMnzJOcw"]youtube Richard Cory song & lyrics[/url]

The full Jung quote is:
"There is no coming to consciousness without pain. People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own Soul. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.”

or how about Marianne Williamson?
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

  Angels say "Fear not" because people shit their pants in terror, when faced with that, thinking they are going to die.

If above the gates of hell it says "Abandon all hope, Ye who enter here" then above the gates of FST it should say "NOT FOR NOTHING WILL THIS BE THE HARDEST THING YOU HAVE EVER DONE" and yet it is the easiest path; stay grounded and Goddess carries you.
   How hard was it for you, to learn to stay grounded. I know. (Hugs you) Don't invalidate that. Every part of the path led to here and now. 

Mystress wrote: "For sure, the road back to Her is embedded in our DNA... but the idea that results in an easy is not validated as the reality of what people experience. It is the spirit perspective not the human reality.

Gopi, on the other hand... you are speaking of the ideals of spirit with little compassion for how for most people, the ego is all they know of themselves.

That whole, spiritual person preaching from the crown chakra aloof thing ... it really does not look good on anyone. Honour your own struggles instead of dismissing them as error. It is another layer of learning to love yourself better."


You are right Mystress.
Thank you for pointing it out.
I do have a tendency to dismiss my own struggles and achievements as trivial.
It is not a healthy habit for self esteem and I am working on changing that.
I can also sometimes be very militant about not allowing myself to feel weak, vulnerable, doubtful, angry, sad, depressed, or even just tired.
I start blaming myself for how I feel and then try to fix it by being hard on myself.
I am still learning how to balance between 'not wallowing in self pity' and 'allowing myself to feel things as they are'.
I still struggle to be compassionate with myself.
I sometimes get derailed by believing that experiencing doubts or frustrations means I am somehow 'failing' spiritually.
As a reaction, I rush to offer a fix (perfectionist control game) where none is needed.
And as you have pointed out, what is needed is unconditional love.
I need to practice talking from the heart.

@Duu - I am sorry if anything I said seemed dismissive of your experiences.
I projected my perfectionism onto you instead of owning up to my own struggles.
I still do experience bodily discomforts, doubts, disbelief, cynicism, and frustrations with my own K journey even though I understand that Goddess has it handled.
K-list mailing list and FST Tearoom have provided a sense of community for me when I felt very lonely, lost, and desperate.
I should be more kind to people here.

Namaste!
Gopi

Hi,
Gopi thank you, it's no problem. I just wrote the idea for The Fifth as I had felt it could be helpful.
As the years went on I discovered that words by themselves have little power to help people.
It's only if they are spoken from the deep place beyond that they have power. Then generally few words are needed.
Words are good yet usually the issues person deals with are personal and more complex then we realize. So the shakti fills out the gaps. Maybe in a direction we wouldn't think of.
If just words were enough to teach people the essential things we would have made it long time ago.

I feel that to support people on their spiritual path the mentioned selfless listening is necessary and natural part.
I feel that if I'm well grounded, connected to the source and just read someone's comment then my field is offering them support and holds them a bit. I feel that this is essential to people on spiritual path to be helped casually by others just like this.
Every person can do it and we offer that field to each other to provide support and orientation. I think it is the essence idea of tantra. Where we are all interconected and the path is possible only together, in inter penetrating union. Indeed best symbolised by a sexual act of two deities, equals.

Love,
Duu

Transitioning yet again to another level of lightness it seems. Wherever I am now, everything seems hyperlinked, I may be thinking of one thing only to have another person bring it up later. Too many instances of this to count, not sure if I'm just noticing it more or if it's really increasing.

I think I just let go further. I had this one-track mind for a while set on music, before that it was writing/academics. Now, basically nothing; feels great, blissful. It does seem that having given up the last (or nearly last) thing, there's a sort of re-orientation going on which will take care of itself, because whatever's next will be natural. Anyway, I feel nimble, looser, more open.

Workload going up lately and, of course, my body is struggling to keep up. I've noticed lately a facial rash that develops when the stress ramps up. Concerned about hitting a tipping point, but I'm a rock in a hard place, gotta work.

I can't help but wonder if this tendency toward fatigue and autoimmunity has something to do with the gender reversal and my general sense of disconnectedness from life for as long as I can remember. Feels like there's something there. I remember asking for mercy last night, just asking Goddess and guide, "Why is it so damn hard for me to deal?" Everything stresses this body--everything.

I don't know. On its face, seems to be a physical issue with physical origins. But I came into this world kicking and screaming, but also exhausted, my mother always told me. Something does tell me there's something there.

It's just hard to believe that this numbed out, disengaged, zombified existence was the plan for me. I mean, if it was, I can't change that. I feel like I've figured out the vampire bit. I don't know why the "functioning citizen" thing has always been so difficult, though. The idea of retreating to a simpler life in nature is so appealing, but alas, cannot afford to do this now. I'm sure I'm here for a reason, something here. Feels like there's some kind of really deep-seated metaphysical surgery to be done here, must be time. 

Better today with flower fragrance, transmutation heat and lots of water drinking. Feels it was good to turn over that rock.

Saintly feeling vibes lately. For some reason, homeless people in particular stand out to me a lot now, some deep part of me feels compelled to get as many sandwiches for as many of them as I can. It's such a deep and beautiful feeling I have not felt before, totally in the moment. Must be Goddess mind. Feels like a whole new level of sanity, seeing what's important and how important love and mindfulness of one another really is. I've had glimpses of the loving compassion before. This is different, enduring.

Much vajra energy the past few days, like the most ever. The writing and music have become immensely fun and otherworldly in quality. I hear the music, see the vision, but must meet halfway with my own work ethic. Feels like that idea of platonic forms, like it already exists and I'm somehow pulling it into reality. Can't get it out of my head, wants to be manifested. Wonderful outlet to have. Feels like this is the state or where the greats pull it from. Immense and a lot to handle, very grateful for it, though. Probably just processing a big chunk of something right now. But karma releasing in this matter is beyond euphoric and even the music itself, very ecstatic.

TF Wrote: I've had glimpses of the loving compassion before. This is different, enduring.

That feeling of abiding in the Grace of Goddess. Amazing Grace, ecstatic and humbling. Beautiful.
 

Had a moment driving home today, watching the red sunset, all the smoke in the air and that feeling that whatever world was here before seems like it's going up in smoke, feeling completely at peace. Felt that the most important thing is peace and faith. The ability to look at the world right now with complete faith. Can't really strive to do it, but sometimes it just happens, and this is such a gift.

Some weird ear tones today, sense of selfhood has flickered in and out but overall, definitely feeling more and more clear as the weeks go on. The ear tones I figure are either further rising vibration or proto clairaudience

Just remembered that I woke up either today or yesterday with that R.E.M song in my head, It's the End of the World. There's more of a humorous tone to it and the "and I feel fine" part resonates a lot. Maybe some kind of "listening" training from my Guide and I just made the connection right now. Weird to think the things in my head at certain moments are more than happenstance.

Great Big Sea does an even more joyous version.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F-5oGnvfUEU (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F-5oGnvfUEU)

Stress, emotional congestion, a little bit of manic type vibes. Working a lot. It's good in a way, I'm capable of more than I realize. Fucking depleted though. So much stuff hoisted on me. Time feels like it's always slipping away from me and I can never catch up. I have no boundaries, no volition in this life, no way of saying no, no ambition other than just wanting to sit and bliss out all day playing music. I hate consumerism, bootstrapping work-yourself-into-the-ground capitalism. Ugh.

Just overwhelmed and feel trapped. I've never liked day jobs and while I love what I do, I've never understood the volume, why work has to be so all-consuming but I'm grateful to have material needs provided for.

And the heavy mania changes over to fragrant radiance in my chest and palms, nice. Just need to let the energies move sometimes.

More perspective today. I have this sense that I'm on the verge of something really big, I don't know what it is. Maybe the vajra energy. It's like I'm dealing with raw potential that I can't even conceive of. This feeling of overwhelm seems to quickly change to that bar of soap, radiant energy but only when I actually sit down and write about it and release that anger/stress charge to it.

Such a strange position. I feel oddly empowered like never before and know I'm dealing with some pretty serious creative magic wayyy over my head but pretty much need it as a release valve.

I suppose that's the feeling, pent up energy that just wants release. Lmao, at this point I might just have to write a song a day to keep balanced. I suppose, whatever it takes. Or diversify my creative pursuits.

Anyway, staying grateful. I do get the sense that even though this process has not been entirely comfortable, I am doing good work in the world on many levels and the rewards are spiritual evolution and priceless.

TheFifth wrote: "The ability to look at the world right now with complete faith. Can't really strive to do it, but sometimes it just happens, and this is such a gift."

I want to share three quotes here.
First is from a book I have been recently about Ramana Maharishi.

"Sri Ramana always laid stress on maunam â€" the silence, which is not meant to be negation of activity. It is something very positive. It is Supreme Peace, immutable like a rock that supports all activities, all movements. Answering the puzzlement of her Western friends about the ‘inactivity’ of Sri Ramana, Ella Maillart writes: Having identified ourselves with our bodies, we are convinced that one has got to be visibly active. We forget that inactivity is the basis of its corollary activity; that the useful wheel could not exist or move without a motionless base."
Source: Face to Face with Sri Ramana Maharshi: Enchanting and Uplifting Reminiscences of 160 Persons

This metaphor of 'the useful wheel could not exist or move without a motionless base' stuck a chord and deeply resonated with me.
Like sufi whirling dervishes... Here's my second quote from Osho.
"...if you go on whirling there comes a moment when the center of your being remains static and your whole body, mind, brain, everything, whirls. And that center, which does not whirl, is you - the center of the cyclone. The whirling is almost like a cyclone, but exactly in the middle of the cyclone you will find a point which has not moved at all...there is something in the center which is unmoving."
~ Osho

Kabir Das was a 15th century Indian mystic and poet.
He was born in a Muslim family but his guru was Hindu.
The brilliance of Kabir was his ecstatic love poems that were both spiritually and socially revolutionary.
There was tremendous amount of religious violence in India and Kabir's poems opened peoples heart with simple everyday language.
Kabir is considered as one of the spiritual giants of the Bhakti movement who urged people to look beyond Hindu-Muslim differences through love for God.
Even today, several of his poems are sung in street performances, temples, and other forms of art.
Here's a short stanza from one of Kabir's poems, my third quote.

Transliteration of Hindi:
Chakki chal rahi, Kabira baitha royee
Dono pud ke beech me saajha na nikle koi
Chakki chal rahi Kabira baitha joyee
Khoonta pakdo nij naam ka To sajha nikle jo soyee

Translated in English:
The millstone of life goes on moving, Kabir weeps
Between the layers of truth and untruth, no one is spared
The millstone of life goes on moving, Kabir observes
He who holds the anchor of His name, will always remain unhurt!

I love the Indian imagery and metaphor... https://bit.ly/3mWyWBg
The struggles of the seeker similar to feeling ground between the millstone of life...
How the grind of life chafes and wears us all down - no one is spared.
And the only solace, Kabir prescribes, is being anchored in God's name.

I guess you see the theme from all three quotes above - calm in the eye of the storm.
I do share some of the experiences that you describe, esp. the occasional manic energy if I don't do yoga and art.
My sleep cycle is all over the place right now but that usually happens to me when there is a change in season.
Hope you have a relaxing weekend.
Namaste!
Gopi

Thank you for those quotations Gopi, very helpful and I like the visual of the eye of the storm. Insights have been spilling in that I'm in the middle of a sort of clearing and strengthening. Some of my karma seems to stem from having an absent father and a highly, highly protective mother with whom I spent a lot of my adolescent years "merged."

The result seemed to be a bit of an underdevelopment of my own sense of competence and ability to solve my own problems and navigate life. Now that I'm basically doing my own thing, I'm realizing a lot of this stuff and while it pains me to realize this, I think there has been a little bit of that sense of entitlement in me because I didn't know much other than being coddled. Part of this, was the "sickly child" phenomenon where I think my mother felt a need to shield and protect me in some ways. She's a gem and she was doing the best she could.

Anyway, the insights seem to be the result of the transmutation and thus I feel a lot of this has been cleared over the past couple days and continues to clear. I think a lot of the time, acting from hat place of silence and peace grows such that I don't realize I'm just being, just acting, but doing so from that place.

The insight has been hanging around too that whatever I'm doing, whatever my surroundings are and my feelings are about this: this is my karma and what is being processed at the time. The journey is a reflection of my internal process and external circumstances are not quite what they seem. Difficult to "language" it but it is the process of my karma being processed in manageable bits.

Sense of internal ecstasy growing now. I think this was what I may have felt coming - pretty big clearing of a pretty deep chunk. Grateful for ever greater levels of humility and grace.

The scattered mania continues somewhat. Managing to hold things together still. Energy surplus is probably my issue, still. The art helps. Grounding seems like my best friend right now, probably will continue to be so for a while now since food does not seem like an issue. Grounding and letting this stuff and all these impressions flow by. My own stability seems important both for me and those around me. The power of my thoughts has become too great. Need to keep up with the inner cleansing. Definitely foresee a narrowing path ahead but I've definitely been shown a lot of mercy through this whole process. Eye of the hurricane image continues to seem apt.

Will probably be useful to meditate on unhappiness and my relationship to this quality of human experience. I feel it so viscerally in other people and before I know it it becomes my own. It's unreal how quickly I lose sight of myself. I'm like glue for a lot of this stuff. I can't keep doing battle with this stuff. I literally walk through the battleground of it everyday. There's so much about the dark side of life that has always fascinated and transfixed me and I now finally understand why. This reframing of grief, unhappiness, despair and the ability to throw a party in the midst of it all seems so key.

I wish to sit down and have tea with you in person someday. :)
Engaging with you here helps me in ways that I cannot even begin to describe.
Folks from K-list and FST members have made me feel like I am not alone during some very difficult times.
Watching people being true to themselves through their own struggles is reaffirming for me.
Jodi Picoult wrote a beautiful quote about adoptive parents - "Being a parent wasn't just about bearing a child. It was about bearing witness to its life."
I have had so many people in my life who have filled this role of 'bearing witness to life' when I have struggled through.
And reading other peoples journey here on Tea Room gives me joy simply by 'bearing witness to life'.

The Fifth wrote: "My own stability seems important both for me and those around me. The power of my thoughts has become too great. Need to keep up with the inner cleansing. Definitely foresee a narrowing path ahead but I've definitely been shown a lot of mercy through this whole process. Eye of the hurricane image continues to seem apt. "
Excellent.
Mystress shared this quote with me a long time ago.
“You thought, as a boy, that a mage is one who can do anything. So I thought, once. So did we all. And the truth is that as a man's real power grows and his knowledge widens, ever the way he can follow grows narrower: until at last he chooses nothing, but does only and wholly what he must do...”
― Ursula K. Le Guin, A Wizard of Earthsea

TheFifth: "I feel it so viscerally in other people and before I know it it becomes my own. It's unreal how quickly I lose sight of myself. I'm like glue for a lot of this stuff. I can't keep doing battle with this stuff. I literally walk through the battleground of it everyday. There's so much about the dark side of life that has always fascinated and transfixed me and I now finally understand why. This reframing of grief, unhappiness, despair and the ability to throw a party in the midst of it all seems so key."
Hehe...
My guide has been showing me some behind-the-scenes insights about the kind of men that I have chosen in the past as lovers.
I can also relate to the 'losing yourself quickly' experience especially before FST.
I have been consciously working and getting better at maintaining healthy interpersonal boundaries.
A few days ago, I got possessed by someone else's inner turmoil which was not pleasant.
Only after I had consciously processed through that stuff (not on usual Tummo fire auto-pilot), I was given insights about that person.
He was acting like a jerk because he was miserable inside and so much in denial about it.
As Mystress says, sometimes the only way to move forward is to help them (even though it is annoying as fuck when they act like jerks).
Only by getting a taste of his inner turmoil, I was able to look past my own annoyance with his behavior and my own judgments about his actions.

In South India, there is an ancient tradition called Devdasi tradition (Dev meaning God and Dasi meaning servant/slave/whore) - devdasi meaning God's servant.
In Tamil, they are called தேவரடியார் (or) தேவடியா (now used as derogratory term for women prostitutes).
The word whore has negative connotations in patriarchal cultures but in matrifocal cultures, whores are women who have taken charge of their own sexual power.
Devdasis are married to immortal Divine through ritual and therefore do not have a mortal husband (even though they took multiple lovers and some had children).
Several of them were key advisers/companions to Kings and noble men who held governing power in patriarchal systems even though very little is known about them.
Western colonizers with Victorian attitudes towards women's sexuality along with local patriarchal sexism has skewed our contemporary understanding of this tradition.
Aayi Mandapam is a monument built in Pondicherry, Tamilnadu by the French emperor Napoleon III in honor of a courtesan's service - http://www.natgeotraveller.in/meet-aayi-the-courtesan-who-inspired-pondicherrys-official-emblem/
There are historical records of wealthy devdasis being generous philanthropists - https://kamat.com/jyotsna/blog/courtesans.htm

Anyhoo... my point in bringing up Devdasi tradition is this.
The role of dasi or dasa is to love Goddess (and therefore to love all Her children).
Sometimes I get attached to someone and become unwilling to let them go (or) pass judgments on someone because of my own expectations.
In times like that, it helps me to realign my priorities - my job is to love and to learn to love better.
Once I re-prioritize, then I am also shown how the other person is here to help me learn how to love better.
There is a lovely saying in Hindu-Buddhist tradition - Atithi Devo Bhava ( Sanskrit: à¤...तिथिदेवो भव: ) meaning 'Treat your guest like you would treat God'
This idea of treating every stranger we meet as if we are meeting God - with reverence and joy - is also helpful for me.
As Coleman Barks writes:
"Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond"
- The Guest House by Jalaluddin Rumi
(Rumi: Selected Poems, trans Coleman Barks with John Moynce, A. J. Arberry, Reynold Nicholson (Penguin Books, 2004))

Hope some of this was helpful.

Namaste!
Gopi

More retching business today. Somewhat fortuitously we were talking earlier about "parts of self" and I am again reminded of my splinter, I think he needs a little love. I send him loving kindness, the retching begins. I think he's still locked to some extent in the "jail" of my own negative judgments.

Okay think I'm finally grokking or rediscovering it again; as platitudinal as it sounds, love is the answer. I have nothing to fear if I love everything. Sending love once more to all parts of myself. The post above helps tremendously, every thought, impression, person I meet, another opportunity to love more deeply and widely.

The "opposite reaction, shooting self in the foot" effect sneaked up on me lately. I feel like I lose sight very easily. But the rapid feedback reality gives me--the narrowing of the path--wakes me back up pretty quickly.

Sometimes the greatest grace is that feeling of "dang, well can I do anything right?" So funny looking at it now.

The police analogy of "anything I say and do will be used against me" is very apt. But it's grace ultimately.

Wonderful, feels like I’m being embraced by Goddess in such a manner that I realize I’ve been where I need to be all along. Everything just feels right. This inner call I’ve always listened to in a way, but today it feels unmistakable. The way forward feels obvious, in a way. It feels in a way like I’m simply bearing witness to the unfolding of my own destiny, whatever it is, but I feel it pulling me.

I feel this is an embrace with my Beloved, and She’s literally everywhere and everything. She’s clearly sentient and seems inextricable with my own mind. I’ve read of this around here but experiencing it so potently is something else entirely.

Beautiful...

TheFifth wrote: "I feel this is an embrace with my Beloved, and She’s literally everywhere and everything. She’s clearly sentient and seems inextricable with my own mind. "

"She could be easy to find you see...
She writes Her songs, only for you to sing!
She digs the words, out of the sky...
She left them there for you to find...

The way that you love dear,
The fate of the world you leave behind
The way to the future... Making a moment built to last.
You want to love? Well, now's your chance!"
~ Katie Herzig (The Way to the Future)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e5kIcoPwRjs

<3 <3

Getting some sort of preverbal insights into the nature of Goddess and the serpent, not entirely sure what it all means. Sometimes I feel like a sort of antenna for these downloads floating around. Deep stuff, though. Both on the human and earth levels.

Think I've been driven a little off kilter again by an empathy link from someone on a dating site I have up; can feel her very deeply already and it feels very awkward when I already can feel and know certain things and don't entirely know how or if to bring it up. I think the key is surrendering literally the whole situation because knowing me in the batty states I can get in with this empathy I'll handle it fairly ineptly. I wonder if on some level I need to "give up" on finding someone, anyway, because I'm so damn complicated and while I'm not at all lofty about my perceptions and awareness, it seems pretty dang rare to come across people out there that truly understand these things. I guess unless I put myself out there as a mystic and let it sort itself out - people allergic to the concept will just move along.

I guess the "mystic" thing for me is akin to patriarchal notions of sex itself--something to keep secret, be coy or shameful about. I guess, again, this is about me and how open and accepting I am of my intrinsically mystical nature. Nothing about it has ever felt weird or necessarily astounding to me--the energy, chakras, coincidences. I feel perfectly at home dealing with these things. What has been astounding in my experience is how others rarely if ever have a reference point for understanding any of it, or get caught up in the "fad" of being mystical or spiritual but freak out if things get real or fundamentally don't live in the reality of it. But I guess it was in my early 20s in graduate school and getting a sense of what can and cannot be talked about without having to deal with the perplexed expressions. Island universes, unrecognizable to one another.

I'm a backwards learner. For whatever reason this is just the reality I'm in. I never would have imagined I would have ascended anytime even in this lifetime. I'm honestly not very disciplined in my spiritual practice and insofar as I've made any progress spiritually, it has come pretty much instinctually. Maybe a little bit of "why me" lingering. I get the sense that there is simply work to do. Eating stuff up, just being me.

I've become so incredibly powerful in ways me or other people probably can't entirely understand. I don't know why I'm so hung up on this, though. Faith is leaving it for Goddess to sort out. I suppose it comes back to the quotation about the narrowing of the path. So incredibly, powerfully powerless, lol. There's incredible power in that, though; doing only what one must do at every given moment.

I find myself coming up on the precipice of the "great nothing," where everything and everyone feels illusory. Values, beliefs--nothing to cling to. Feels so close, like I can practically feel whatever stands of perceptual detritus are obscuring it and even these no longer feel real. I feel even this notion of feeling like an island universe is breaking down, too.

"Keep munching," I'm told. That's my rocketship. There's no telling how much better things can get for me and how much more lively I can become if I set aside more time daily for conscious healing work and eating, almost like my new meditation.

Literally all my problems in life so far can be traced back to this. It always comes back to it.

TheFifth wrote: "What has been astounding in my experience is how others rarely if ever have a reference point for understanding any of it, or get caught up in the "fad" of being mystical or spiritual but freak out if things get real or fundamentally don't live in the reality of it."
LOL... Samesies...
I have had my fair share of wonderful and life affirming experiences with my lovers without having to put labels on what it is.
Some call it intense connection and I just leave it at that.
There have also been instances where myself and the other person would have a lovely time and then they would disappear leaving me wondering 'Did I just make up all of that in my own head or did we both actually share something lovely?'
It took me a long time to accept that some people have trouble with real intimacy.
It may seem contrary because everyone seems to be looking for someone.

Growing up with very low self esteem, I used to believe that I will be happy once I have a life partner.
I went through bad relationships because I did not believe that I was worthy of being loved.
Then I found someone who is a lovely and loving man.
Being in a relationship with him made me realize that I did not know how to be happy.
Everything was perfect on paper the way I thought it was supposed to be but I was not happy.
I could not run away from the fact that I did not know how to love myself and it was not about whether or not someone else loved me.
Being single and lonely is in some ways better than being in a relationship with a nice person and feeling lonely.
Till I learned how to love myself, I was merely using the other person as an excuse to escape what I did not want to face.
As they say, no one can give you what you have denied for yourself.

Speaking of identity labels, the other day I came across someone who had Tantra practitioner on their online dating profile.
So I thought I would say hello.
Within a couple of minutes, he told me that he only likes to play with men who have huge dicks.
LOL... I understand and fully accept that we all have different preferences... but it also made me giggle.
That being said... some of my lovers have repeatedly told me that being intimate with me was a spiritual experience for them (after my K awakening).
I have stopped trying to describe experiences and prefer to simply be.

TheFifth wrote: "I'm honestly not very disciplined in my spiritual practice and insofar as I've made any progress spiritually, it has come pretty much instinctually. Maybe a little bit of "why me" lingering."
I can relate to some of this.
Even after K awakening, there is doer-ship based ego that believes in achieving things through individual will.
The last (and sometimes the most difficult) hurdle to enlightenment is dropping the search.
The way I deal with 'why me' is by reminding myself that I am Her vessel - Thy will be done.
There is real humility in accepting one's own power irrespective of our own insecurities.
Even if someone does not believe in God or spirituality, a person's life does not belong to that individual alone and that's why all human societies denounce suicide.
On a lighter note, when I struggle with 'why me' sort of doubts, I tell myself "You are just the star darling! Goddess cast you in the role."

I tend to be a perfectionist and have to repeatedly surrender my own standards of what it means to be disciplined or hard working.
Also, patriarchal cultures often promote the idea that the more you suffer, the more spiritual you are.
Who am I to question if Goddess wants me to be happy?
As Mystress has pointed out earlier, there is lots of wisdom in following your bliss.

Thank you again Gopi for all your support and sharing your experiences and insights, many of which are very similar. Yeah I'm thinking I'm just going to chill out on the dating thing because honestly, I think I'm single because somewhere deep down, I want to be single. I *love* my own company and I was called selfish and self-absorbed by someone I was recently talking to and while this raised my awareness in beneficial ways, I don't think it's necessarily a problem as long as I'm not leading others on.

I don't know if it's so much selfishness in a negative sense as it is "life in the form is short and I have all these creative things I wanna do while I'm here," basically. When I look back on my life, my focal point has never been in the relational-reciprocal give-and-take dynamics existing in typical relationships. I mean, I suppose a lot of this is inescapable and as a psi-vamp I can give by taking when I'm at my best. Basically, I think it's okay to know what I do and do not want.

There is a phenomenon that I've come to call the algorithm phenomenon where someone comes into my life that I think may be a partner or something and it turns out to be some kind of arranged healing situation then the person is on their way. Regarding the empathy, maybe I'm just going to have to learn to live with it, as well as these people and "connections" coming along every so often. I can take them for what they are, sometimes nothing more needs to be said or done. In my experience, the people who caught on that something was going on have tended to run off. Some people do not seem to be aware on those levels and sometimes I wonder if they would be the best partners honestly. I don't know, and that's probably the point--Goddess knows. What will be will be.

Anyway, I realized the other day that the Vajra energy is to be used by my divine Beloved predominantly, too much for the smaller part of me to play with. I feel, in many ways, like I am vanishing from this world. The way my Guide teaches me feels like I can't tell the difference between us. It's so hard to believe on some levels that I have become what I thought I was seeking, all these little parts of me squirming around trying to find something to hold onto. But sometimes when I look into my eyes in a mirror I see the light shining from them like laser beams, reminding me that I can't afford to be too careless about where I direct my attention.

All these final things coming up. Working on self-love and acceptance. Still so much shame in me somewhere, hard to find it exactly. The self-sabotager. The out of control kid on the road to delinquency and self-destruction, saved only by awakening and my Guide. I guess he still feels like a bad person. Maybe this part always will. But it's also what allows me to understand and empathize with a lot of my clients on levels I otherwise would not. I'm just always waiting for those wheels to come flying off the wagon and for everyone to realize I'm some kind of imposter or fundamentally beyond redeeming. So much work pushing through it and doing things with my life regardless. He exists though, and he's just a small piece of me. He is a part of Goddess like everything else. Layer after layer of him. Like Jung said, I'm not all good, but whole, and I can exist as a whole person, shadow, scars, joy and all.

TheFifth wrote: "I'm just always waiting for those wheels to come flying off the wagon and for everyone to realize I'm some kind of imposter or fundamentally beyond redeeming."
What are you gaining by telling yourself this?
For argument's sake, let's say you are THE worst fraud in the history of humanity.
Now what?
How has this changed your relationship to Goddess?
What exactly do you think you need to be redeemed from?
Are you afraid of being an impostor or are you afraid of finding out what else is there?
Is it because 'I told you so!' about your own failures is more comforting for the ego than 'I don't know' about what might happen?
Sorry if I am coming across like a dick!
But what are you gaining by telling yourself that you are an irredeemable fraudulent bad awful human?

No not at all I tend to prefer to have these things challenged. At the core I think it’s fear of the unknown and on some level I feel like it actually ties with an internalized idea of original sin interestingly. Because when I try to locate or identify this “bad person,” can’t find him. The idea of “falling apart” or being “found out” feels representative of something else - maybe an encounter with absolute genuineness.

Maybe the question I need to ask myself is do I accept myself more broadly as a human, and reframe this idea of “badness” which seems to actually be religious programming that has contributed to splitting me in a way.

This feels like a pretty big breakthrough in a sense and this has always been that “don’t wanna go there” sort of thing. Felt like shining light on it is the worst thing I could possibly do.

Sometimes I think prayer - affirmations of surrender - can be a good thing too but I seem to have become somewhat allergic to the concept, probably as a result of this stuff.

Feel like I’m interacting with or maybe tuning into some musical dimension of sorts. Yesterday I saw an image of Hendrix pushing his head out of a license plate parked in front of me and today I seemed to channel a song somehow related to the late Junie Morrison. It’s a cool blend of Motown and Grunge I never could have come up with entirely on my own.

“Follow the music” someone once told me. Feels like some kind of interaction with these people, maybe the infinite spirit or essence of what they were/are. It’s pretty beautiful though, whatever it is.

I guess Junie was a producer and the minor tweaks he made to my song were a stroke of timeless brilliance. Maybe he’s carrying on the work in the hereafter for a while.

I think the fundamental truth with a lot of this stuff is "I am that." Synchronicity has become very common place, I think I've come to kind of seem like a mind-reader to a lot of my clients or people around me but literally, just synchronicity at work.

TheFifth wrote: "The idea of “falling apart” or being “found out” feels representative of something else - maybe an encounter with absolute genuineness."
In Eastern religions, sometimes the faces of Gods and Goddesses are depicted as grotesque and terrifying - esp. in Tantric paths.
A direct face-to-face encounter with absolute love (or Divine presence) is terrifying death for ego.
The only way you can get near the sun is by burning - ego separation cannot exist.
There is a French expression - la petite mort - meaning little death.
The phrase is used to describe post-orgasmic experience when ego is weak (or more properly humbled through the act of lovemaking).
Making love kills the ego through little deaths... :)
Now imagine making love to the universe and All That Is - ego blown to smithereens which is absolute and terrifying bliss.
Nowhere to run and hide in the presence of Love - completely naked with all your insecurities, warts, and imperfections.
Every excuse that you want to hold onto about why you are an irredeemable wretch is existentially confronted with Love.
Every belief that you have learned about why you are unworthy of love is directly confronted with Love.
What now?

Encounter with absolute genuineness can sometimes leave you with post-partum sort of depression like experiences.
Basically you go through ego death and if you don't understand what is happening, it is easy to confuse it as feeling abandoned or depression.
The Tibetan Book of Dead uses the word Bardo to describe such experiences.
The lesson and work after the encounter is about acceptance.
It is very easy to grow a new ego and many people seem to fall easily for the hero's trip.
Encounter with absolute does NOT make me some sort of special avatar who was sent here to guide the rest of the sheeple.
The lesson is you ARE love just like everything is.
No matter how broken or irredeemable you think you are, you ARE love and you are loved.
That is real humility - acceptance of things as they are.

Frasier is one of my favorite sitcoms because it is witty, thoughtful, and life-affirming.
There are lots of really good scenes and many of them involve Frasier as the person who helps others.
Frasier rarely steps out of his comfort zone and because he is talented, he mostly gets by with his life without having to be vulnerable.
If I had to pick one scene, this would be my favorite because this is the only scene where we see all of Frasier.
And it is the scene where I can't help but love Frasier.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cGsvWc75Bo8

Fraser has been coming up a lot lately. That scene sort of encapsulates my pattern perfectly, hiding behind theory and basically words. Kind of back on the ground over the past few days, but I do think I have realized I have a bit of an addiction to that edge where karma meets transmutation and all the chaos and insanity that it entails. It feels like there is also creation in it. I guess it's sort of like a roller coaster for me. Feels good to be even, too, though.

Where I am: Death of the doer. That’s what I’m being told, anyway.

Some quotes about doer-ship from Ramana Maharishi

Quote"What is destined as work to be done by you in this life will be done by you, whether you like it or not…
It is true that the work meant to be done by us will be done by us. But it is open to us to be free from the joys or pains, pleasant or unpleasant consequences of the work, by not identifying ourselves with the body or that which does the work. If you realise your true nature and know that it is not you that do any work, you will be unaffected by the consequences of whatever work the body may be engaged in according to destiny or past karma or divine plan, however you may call it. You are always free and there is no limitation of that freedom."
[Day by Day with Bhagavan, 3rd January, 1946]

"So long as the feeling ‘I am doing’ is there, one must experience the results of one’s acts, whether they are good or bad. How is it possible to wipe out one act with another? When the feeling ‘I am doing’ is lost, nothing affects a man. Unless one realises the Self, the feeling ‘I am doing’ will never vanish."
[Letters from Sri Ramanasramam, 3rd June, 1946]

"The present difficulty is that the man thinks that he is the doer. But it is a mistake. It is the Higher Power which does everything and the man is only a tool. If he accepts that position he is free from troubles; otherwise he courts them.
The Self remains ever the same, here and now. There is nothing more to be gained. Because the limitations have wrongly been assumed there is the need to transcend them. It is like the ten ignorant fools who forded a stream and on reaching the other shore counted themselves to be nine only. They grew anxious and grieved over the loss of the unknown tenth man. A wayfarer, on ascertaining the cause of their grief, counted them all and found them to be ten. But each one of them had counted the others leaving himself out. The wayfarer gave each in succession a blow telling them to count the blows. They counted ten and were satisfied. The moral is that the tenth man was not got anew. He was all along there, but ignorance caused grief to all of them."
[Talks with Sri Ramana Maharshi, Talk 63]

"Only so long as you think that you are the worker are you obliged to reap the fruits of your actions. If, on the other hand, you surrender yourself and recognise your individual self as only a tool of the higher power, that power will take over your affairs along with the fruits of actions. You are no longer affected by them and the work goes on unhampered. Whether you recognise the power or not the scheme of things does not alter. Only there is a change of outlook. Why should you bear your load on the head when you are travelling in a train? It carries you and your load whether the load is on your head or on the floor of the train. You are not lessening the burden of the train by keeping it on your head but only straining yourself unnecessarily. Similar is the sense of doership in the world of the individuals."
[Talks with Sri Ramana Maharshi, Talk 503]

Today, I have decided to say goodbye to my love affair with control, with certainty, with effort, with doer-ship. I get so caught up in the daily motions and the inertia the the origins of my deepest possessions become almost invisible to me. In a state of clarity, I can attempt to map these things out, as they stand currently...

Every day I wake up in the morning and put on a pot of coffee before proceeding to get some bass practice in. In its purest form it is simply expression and joy; when this purity is lost, it becomes effort, work, trying to "improve" and get to some virtuosic level of performance. Why? Because if I don't conclude a given day feeling like I have improved or learned something new - in music or in general - I just feel like I'm not moving toward anything. I forget from time to time, buried beneath that fog of inertia and stale prana, what I really am, and that there are no others, no where to really go, but lots of fun and interesting adventures to be had.

I move through life, feeling like I'm either sleepwalking or chewing on something weird, aching belly, trying so hard to fit in and "be somebody." Whatever all that is, doesn't really make sense anymore.

On days like this, where I have that clarity, the insight to see how I reliably fall into these funks, I think the only thing left on the table for me is to surrender the things I cling to most dearly. I could wake up tomorrow and do absolutely nothing and Goddess would love me no less. At work, I do not have to be some kind of superstar therapist but my bosses and clients seem to value what I provide. It's like training in no effort, being present and simply responsive.

There's just this darkness still hugging my belly; I've gotten so much better at relating to and living with it.  ButI want so much to be free of these preferences and hopes.

And I avoid, avoid, avoid. I avoid coming here sometimes, continuing with the course, looking inside of myself. I suppose I've always preferred to let shit pile up then work under pressure, some kind of procrastination bug.

Anyway, refocusing. Goddess, I grow so tired, can't go on like this any longer. My feeling of you comes and goes, I always find myself back in hell and I come here so many times it only fatigues. I get it, I'm stubborn and at times, stupid. My internalized cosmology tells me I deserve all of this, to suffer and that's why you let this happen. Because I can't get my act together.

Is it okay that I get mad at you at times? Sometimes I forget what anger or sadness even feel like, going through the motions day in and day out in my foggy stupor. It just feels, at times, like I'm a maze of self-deception that I cannot get out of. And I see heavens, and hells, but I just want peace.

The truth of the matter is, however foolish or lazy I am, you made me like this. I know, in principle, you did not build me to suffer, to burn like this. I do it to myself. Does that realization console? lol. I see and feel the self-hatred scrawled across the page. But why, do I always come here? Most of the time, I'm blind to all of this but nonetheless carry it. It's very sad.

Maybe it is other people's shit, filtered through my own lens. But that does not make it any less of my own issue.

Anyway, going back into conclusion mode. I just wish I could love myself and see more clearly in every moment. I can't afford to keep accumulating shit like this. These written explosions do help and release it in a big fell swoop but I need to establish some kind of daily sadhana. Something. The sine wave is exhausting and by now, old.

"Start writing," you tell me. Maybe. I've always been able to think best on the page and letting it all out like this always seems like the most effective means of cleansing. Maybe I can start a novel or something prolific that I can channel all this unchewable stuff into on a regular basis. The music is an outlet, but not enough. With the volume I'm dealing with, I need more. "Relax," you say. You're completely right.

I don't need to do anything anymore. You are the miracle and the root of everything, and my only way out of this is to lay myself at your feet, all of me. All of me. I live through You alone, and I surrender my will, pains, hopes and dreams to you.

TheFifth wrote: " I suppose I've always preferred to let shit pile up then work under pressure, some kind of procrastination bug."
I can relate to this.
Personally, I realized that I am addicted to the adrenaline rush that comes with anxiety.
Or as you put it - addicted to being on the edge.
You can rewire your habits with persistence.
Thank you Goddess for neuroplasticity.

I have to feel like I am 'railing against' something else I lose interest in doing the work.
Yummy pain for inner masochist that would make most people horrified.
I am not a therapist like you are but I am sure you know about avoidance behavior.
Things we do in order to avoid doing something else.
And if you peel the details, it is about the inability to be completely present here and now.
Always worrying/planning about coulda/shoulda/woulda improvements but nothing is good enough to be simply fully present.
Do you see the ego there?
I have to consciously surrender to here and now, irrespective of how I feel about it.
As Mystress teaches, power is always here and now.

Acedia is experienced as “…a weariness of the soul, indifference, a listlessness, an inability to concentrate on the task at hand” and “mask itself in fervid but misdirected activity… We can live and work with the same people for years without being fully invested in their lives â€" or our own. Stability requires attentiveness â€" paying attention to those with whom we share common space and time.” (Dennis Okholm. 2013. Staying Put to Get Somewhere)

Since I have gone through similar struggles, I want to say this to you.
You are being too hard on yourself my lovely friend.
Would you be this hard on any of your clients or your friends?
Can you show the same mercy towards yourself?
We are currently on day 4 of the 9 day Hindu festival celebrating Goddess, Navratri.
I wish you plenty of love and healing laughter.

HUGS
Gopi

Gopi, I cannot express how helpful you have been through all of this. I've decided I'm just going to sit for a while everyday, soul meditation, refocus inward and keep everything focused there. More silence. A lot of this is just stress management and how I'm going to go about adjusting to a vocation that involves intense emotional encounters every day. I just cannot afford the resistance that remains in me. I know I'm on a spiritual rocketship of sorts. Need more humility. Will be okay.

It’s a sense of powerlessness. That’s what it is. I realized today, I can merely engage with my intention and move the black heavy energy into something inanimate, or creative. I seem to be able to channel it into the icons of the songs in my drive, provides pretty noticeable relief quickly. Will explore this further

This whole incident was hunger. I've just been very shy and timid about eating and feeling like I can get what I need through passive means but clearly, I have to actually find food and go after it more than I have been. Sick and tired of being powerless and the indignation is pretty motivating. I've had myself sort of hogtied really since some really bad behavior when I was in high school but I now know how to do this without being a jerk. So fucking scared of being that jerk. I did so good keeping him under control all those years. But taking grief from people will not hurt them.

Well, I think I've finally solved my puzzle. Now, it would seem I can finally rest. Cool experience last night surrounded by Buddhas as I fell asleep.

Notable reduction in appetite - literal, physical appetite - as of late, also feels like I'm drowning in amrita in my throat. Wondering if energy feeding may stymie physical appetite to some extent. Landing on my feet after taking some blows for my doership odyssey. Lately been that sense that, if I let go, will there be a safety net to catch me? Will it all really work out? Surrendering these.

All these detours, seem to be addicted to them, too. Grounding working as it should it seems, granted I'm fed. Moving along, copasetic.

Annnd I’m disintegrating again, lol. Very nice. I’m very good at building up these faux identities/egos and getting stuck in them for a while.

Also realizing my guide me have been making a bit of an appearance for a while now as a cartoonish red devil. It seems humorous. I’ve just been assuming it’s just quasi psychotic noise but it’s a pretty regular theme. Strong horror movie vibes today before really starting to float again, cold chill. The cold chill horror movie “terror psychosis” vibe seems to be right on the cusp of the liberation.

:) Think I’m dissolved for good this time. Or I’m just finally catching up. It’s all gone, the attachment to the music, the idea of setting up or controlling the direction of my life. Gone like magic. Feel like I’ve plunged deeper into silence than ever before. I wonder if it will at some point get deep enough that nothing really sticks anymore...

Feel good.

US election should be tasty, the suspense has been so far. Trying to surrender my own biases and preferences around it continually, but normal and human to have them. The uncertainty and fear around it would seem natural, Trying to keep sight on having faith that Goddess has it handled. Idk, feels like it’s been subsuming everything and everyone around me. More opportunity, I suppose, to be mindful. “Worldly affairs,” I suppose.

The human story and experience and Goddess’ planet is such a beautiful thing, and of course my bias is I want us to make it, survive as a species. I want the earth to be strong and healthy. Reality is so much bigger than my little perspective and preferences, sure there’s so much bigger picture stuff I’m missing.

Surrendering my preferences and prostrating myself. All I can do is chose love.

QuoteThink I’m dissolved for good this time.

  Yeah... it does not really work like that. We are like trees, we do not stop growing. Different stages of life bring up different issues. I have been ascended for 24 years but stuff still comes up. Accept it. Enlightenment is a journey not a destination.

Yeah I keep thinking I'll break through to some place where all challenge and discomfort is behind me but it's just more resistance. Anyway, detached observation seems to be the best for me at this time. It's like whack-a-mole, all these different aspects scurrying around trying to grasp on to things. A lot moving through me, makes me both restless and exhausted at once. I think the imperative to "dig deep" and pull through these things is positive. Find myself both digging deep and laughing a lot the past few days.

  FST is not just an ascension path; it teaches the disciplines necessary to successfully stay ascended. To handle the changes that ascension brings.

Vampires and shamans get a leg up from the extra guide but the discipline remains essentially the same: Grounding, surrender and discernment are the three points of the FST triangle. (Upward pointing triangle is the alchemical symbol for fire.)

The three practices are life long. Grounding 8x a day for 45 days is just to establish the habit! When it is habitual, you will keep doing it even when life is throwing curve balls.

  - Of course, people change, habits change. You have seen posts from past students who return years later to do the course again; get back in the groove and expand.

  Self care habits! Routines. Every day, you poop, you bathe, brush teeth ... and you clean your energy. Surrender is moment-to-moment mindfulness. Gratitude does wonders for the power chakra. Discernment is how you follow Divine Will. Art is how you release the stuck things.

  You are learning growing expanding trying out new things and that is great!

   For long term stability you have to establish a routine of daily foundational practices. If you are still keeping a FST journal, write a list of the top ten practices that have been most beneficial and schedule the top 5.

  Work out what you need, and create a routine. Make check lists.  Put post-it notes reminders on your bathroom mirror, or anywhere you look often. Persist until the self-care is habitual, then keep doing it.

The three points are daily or 24/7, that does not change. Grounding is always- your connection to the Planet Goddess. Mindfullness pays attention to discernment signaling what is to be surrendered.

  Art: daily or every second day? An hour? More? What activities?
  Mass snacking- multiple times a day or daily?
  One-on-one work. How much do you need to do to stay shiny?

  Find out, and schedule it in, make it part of your routine.

  It is a point of resistance, I think?

  If you have fully accepted that you are a vampire then you would accept there are things that go with that, that you need to do on a regular basis, to be ok.

  If you discovered you were... diabetic, for example, you would have to accept the changes that go with that, what you need to do on a regular basis to stay alive and whole.

  I once knew a lovely woman, a genuine Fijian princess with some interesting talents though sometimes a bit, narcissist drama queen. Long after we fell out of touch, I got word of her death from her ex, whom is still a dear friend.  He explained, she did some internet thing that was supposed to cure her diabetes. Believing she was cured, she stopped taking care of it, with predictable results. Shocked, I blurted, "oh... she died of stupidity!" He laughed and said yes. Naivety might be a better word... denial, for sure.

  There is no cure for being a vampire. What ever part of you is still in denial, is sabotaging your self care.  You are free to play with any new tricks Goddess and guide want to show you but you have to establish a self care routine of essential practices, and stick with it.  You want stability? That is how to gain it. There will still be openings and adventures, but they will go softer if you keep up the routine maintenance.

  Routine check list and emergency check list. For the openings and adventures: Write a list of the top ten practices that have been a lifeline when you are in a stuck place, so you can refer to the list if you get so stuck you forget how to climb out of the hole.

    You are amazing. I think this whole thread is one of the most fascinating in tea room history! For sure it is benefitting many, and always a pleasure to read you.

  A while back you mentioned getting some downloads from the planet? Would love to read more about that.

Yeah, I think this captures where I am. For the longest time grounding has caused this intense feeling of resistance in the general region of my vortex and it felt like “is it supposed to be this hard?”

Grounding + doing some detached zen sitting has proven to be very, very effective over the last three days or so. Structure and consistency have always been a challenge for me which may simply be a symptom of my empathy depression which may clear up if I can pull together an effective means of grounding  and clearing.

Yeah this whole thing has certainly been a soul adventure-journey. That’s probably a part of the point.

Time to craft a routine and stick with it rain or shine.

I can write more about the downloads, some of it seems over my head but some of it is very simple. Last night She told me we’re all Her children and She loves us each equally and unconditionally. It’s more like a feeling and a perspective that hangs around. Like She’s looking through me and the vibe is very much like a nurturing and wise parent.

There was one a few weeks ago about the Serpent that felt really profound but was over my head or ability to make sense of.

I can see what hits me with this and catalogue them here. The download effect has always been fairly strong for me e.g. stuff like the “artist’s path” that kind of provides insight and really captures where my adventure is at a given time.

Figuring out the value of hanging around some of the darker corners of the internet, which seems to provide the twofold benefit of feeding and also poking my own stuff for awareness/release.

Variety of energies:

Internet
Individuals
Atmospheric
Causes (AA, etc)
Collective (nations, states, large groups)

Pulling energy from the atmosphere feels surprisingly nice and invigorating, I wonder if this played some role in my affinity for weather events growing up.

 Hurricanes are delicious.

  Remember this spring, the USA was supposed to have a week of tornados before Easter Sunday? I ate them all week long but by 2am Sunday, I was tired and the rest seemed natural.

Want some tasty snacks? Eat the turmoil beneath the volcanoes of Yellowstone park.

  Your every thought, word and deed is recorded forever in the geomagnetic field and the crystalline matrix of the fiery crystal. Everybody is, everyone who ever lived.   

I don't know if "muddy ascended" is a thing but feels sort of like where I was. Yesterday I was just silent, gone, felt invisible especially for the evening. "Strange dream somebody else had." The silence gets pretty deep. I like it though. Going to stick with this discipline. Things can change fast, I suppose, to go from hells to heavens to silence so fast. I suppose that when energies are so high, anything incongruent with it turns to hell really fast lol. I'm told it's because it blows up in proportion, inflates, powered by my attention. I see it, though, rather than just reading about it. This must be my new life.

QuoteI don't know if "muddy ascended" is a thing

  Sure it is. Vajra diamond body, imperishable... on that level you are always ascended. Your subjective experience of being ascended or not, depends on your thoughts, the mud in your energy, etc.

  We go up and down all the time, there is no karma to snack on, in non-duality. Yet, always ascended. "In the world but not of it."

QuoteI suppose that when energies are so high, anything incongruent with it turns to hell really fast lol. I'm told it's because it blows up in proportion, inflates, powered by my attention. I see it, though, rather than just reading about it. This must be my new life.

True but a bit non-specific.

  Two factors:

   1.) You are quantum and the navigation system is your thoughts. External validation gets muddy because where you think is where you are. Negative beliefs move you to a universe or dimension where they are true because in an infinite universe, anything that can exist, must exist or it is not infinite.
   Think of your favourite dead person... now they are in the room with you. Did they move or did you visit them in the underworld? You are already everywhere...

  2.) Vajra energy is associated with the throat chakra because it seeks expression. If not expressed safely into art, it takes form from your thoughts- accidental manifestations.

   So if you attach to a negative belief, or are not mindful to surrender the thoughts you *do not* want to happen,... you go there and you make it real.

  Everybody gets some bullshit thoughts in a day. Frustration thoughts can be destructive (burn it down!) and need to be surrendered immediately before you go to where it is possible and vajra makes it real.

     The routines and the mindfulness keep you from slipping too far.

Feels another collective storm is brewing, only thing I can connect it to is the virus and associated impacts. Intensity is high, but poetry has become a wonderful outlet for staying balanced. Intense is fine, have always liked intense.

So I was kinda overthinking the feeding thing. All I really have to do is walk around and just set the intention that I’m feeding on a given area, be it an apartment complex, grocery store, restaurant or cemetery. Food is literally everywhere. I’m finding now exuberance rather than whatever daunting task I had been making it out to be. Depression receding within hours.

Again, no telling how much more lively I may become. Excited to see what I’m like at 100% rather than as the walking dead.

Now my Guide seems to be guiding, showed me some kind of layer in the atmosphere needing attention last night. Time to get to work...

Well, it would seem pretty much everything is going smoother now. I'm noticing more energy all around for work, work/life balance, greater intellect, focus - just all around better adjusted. Grounding is easier now, less inner resistance. Feeling optimistic.

Now that I'm all cleaned up I'm starting to wonder to what extent my hyperactive immune system and literal digestive issues may relate to vampire-related stuff I had unresolved for all those years. Will see I suppose. I've felt like a bottomless spring of nurturing feminine energies over the past few days. Part of me wonders how much of it is trauma-related gender reversal and how much of it is some quality of my soul or just typical kundalini stuff. It's very blissful.

Also been noticing what may be some bad mojo coming from a client with a history of playing with spirits and magic. No one believes what she says and I tend to assume attention-seeking until proven otherwise. It’s either that, or the “shooting self in the foot with any resistance” effect. I’m just, mindful of luck and normally a lot of that sort of stuff floats past me and I kind of took it for granted for most of my life, didn’t realize how much of many people’s struggles seem to have roots in these sorts of influences or synchronicities.

Probably just more learning, probably a part of the healer gig to start getting this sort of attention. “Undercover mystic” at work. I know if I’m dealing with those types of forces my vortex may not be of much help other than cleaning up the energies. Surrendering the whole situation may be the way to go. I used to use the lbrp on the rare occasion I would encounter this stuff before but I figure this is probably a duality-based ritual for me now. I will say that for as little confidence as I tend to have, the ritual tended to give me a temporary boost in sense of presence and  may have been genuinely empowering and balancing for a time.

I’m being instructed, it seems, to keep my energies very clear and see what happens. Angels in red suits, perhaps? If I am dealing with these sorts of entities it would seem they need to be handled manually. Sense of excitement upwelling within. Interesting...

I don’t think it’s an entity and associated energies, think it’s just reality speaking to me and I’m not quite listening. :) Just more “God hates me” rubbish on the way out

Also, been eating cleaner in a literal sense too, just lighter and more healthy. I think I was putting myself through a world of hurt and self-criticism over a lot of stuff that was related to food allergy.

All the people seeming to turn against me, the things in my life I’m losing, nothing seeming to work out anymore, is not quite what it seems. I think I’m experiencing this stuff right now for a reason. There is, I’d say, a deepening sense of peace and miraculous fortune in the ways that matter, and seemingly only the ways that matter. Perhaps a pruning, or a trimming of sorts.

Karmic notes/progress:

At bedrock, I do not want to take responsibility for my own life or the shit under my own carpet, thus I look to others for constant re-assurance or approval ("atta boy!"). If this is not received, the critic kicks in and the self-berating begins. Oddly, this same pattern also causes me to keep other people beyond arms length and to shut them out, and to really only confer with people who pretty much do all the work or reach out to me. Very, very sensitive to disapproval and any sign of this in someone else and I'm gone, even if they're just having a bad day. It's not all about me.

I've been an ostrich for so long and been poking my head out more lately and just feels, strange. I guess I just internalized a belief at a young age that I got along better with others and they liked me more when I was a yes man. Now, playing in this band and working with this songwriter who I'm secretly convinced is a genius, opining regularly and reaching group consensus is a necessity. His talent far eclipses my own but we all have blind spots. I just hate criticizing, being disagreeable and sticking my neck out so much. Necessary sometimes, though.

So much ego hiding behind my timidness, funny how that works. Fear of being wrong, disliked. I suppose, of course I would not want to be disliked if it meant feeling it deeply and viscerally, lol. My survival depended on being as agreeable as possible.

There's this other part of me though where people tell me certain things and I simply do not flinch, and it's difficult to distinguish apathy from peace. I think it's the latter because people naturally trust me and share their deepest most intimate thoughts to me, and I suppose I prefer peace to emotional tumult.

Anyway, just cruising, don't know where I'm going and half the time I don't know what time it is.

I feel there was a point, somewhere on the cusp of my birth where I said something like, “holy shit, I do not want to do this!” And I’ve been battling against this ever since. Probably the gender reversal thing. So tired of battling. I have no volition, no self-regard, no plan nor legs to stand on in the world. I used to think I was stuck in some half enlightened state but I do not think that’s what it is. This feels more like, some deep-seated wish for oblivion and it does not feel very enlightened or be-here-now at all... at its core is just, primal terror.

I suppose, digging around down here is a good opportunity to surrender what I’m seeing. Heavy, heavy stuff.

I’m making every computer I come in contact with go kaput as well lately. Ugh I think I did the bubble spell on my old one and didn’t think this issue with tech would happen to me.

I seem to blow out the screens somehow. Maybe I really am starting to shine. I’ll admit I was skeptical this stuff would really start happening to me. Ugh. Crisis at work now but now I know....

Have a strong feeling the Covid virus is not what it seems and the situation we’re in right now is more complicated than we realize. Britain, mutations. Seems to be a stalemate involving economies and old ways of doing things, energy extraction etc. All on the edge of our seats watching this I’m sure...

Spurring of innovation almost seems a given. Will it be in the right direction?

QuoteHave a strong feeling the Covid virus is not what it seems and the situation we’re in right now is more complicated than we realize.

  Indeed.

  There are two plagues. The second, is a psychosis of covid denial that affects the demographic of climate change deniers that represent the greatest threat to all life on earth.

They are marching to the tarpits of extinction, of their own free will, waving flags and crosses and nobody can talk them out of it. We all try, because we care, but... brick wall, like arguing with fate.  The anti-maskers and the anti-vaxxers and the conspiracy types and the doomsday cults praying for the rapture, have all caught a sort of crazy that makes them expose themselves to a deadly virus.

  Science says we have max, 11 years to turn things around but 5 would be better. The people who are the biggest obstacle, have caught a crazy that is taking them out of the gene pool via exposure to covid.

  I am sometimes reluctant to share what I see, beauty and horror.

  Beauty in that it comes to pass for the love of all creation, Goddess says "Nope" to predictions of the earth becoming unlivable before the end of the century by using a pandemic to shut it all down.  Horror in the death and tragedy that is a deadly pandemic.

  More on my facebook page, and FST students are invited to follow me.

https://www.facebook.com/angelique.serpent/posts/10158181515284862 (https://www.facebook.com/angelique.serpent/posts/10158181515284862)

Yeah it's uncanny what this pandemic has been bringing out of people. It seems to be acting as a sort of amplifier of denial and I suppose just straight craziness. Admittedly I have no theory of mind for understanding the vehemence behind the anti-maskers but hey, they're using their free will. There is a sort of somberness, sadness about it but I guess that's the beauty of that intersection between freewill and the bigger picture of our ultimate survival.

Have not been my usual prolific self in this thread lately, just nothing really compelling me to put thoughts on paper. I do think, in retrospect I’m gaining some insight into where I am lately with the weirdness and people seeming to turn against me.

I think it’s karma manifesting. These deep seated briefs, this sense of shame and its various layers in me has a lot of energy pushing on it now and it seems reality is bending to conform.

It’s a dark place. And it re-enforces itself. I feel like one could spend lifetimes in that place. It’s not new; I just seem to notice it more. Amplification.

It’s weird because years ago I thought myself so wise, so essentially good natured, kind. It was a facade though and while I do feel fundamentally good natured and, in a sense, very pure and childlike, I’m so very fallible, weak, disorganized but I have no choice but to be strong.

I’ve had to come to grips over the past year and realize that in a sense, there also seems to be narcissism in me; but at bedrock, it’s because I’ve always felt unlikeable and worthless. Turns you into a show-off that no one likes, but you’re just trying to grasp onto some fleeting condition of worth, some reason for people to like you and find you interesting or worthwhile, but it’s a dead end road.

I do feel better equipped to understand and help my narcissists now, though, just like my depressives. Good to know the territory. In some sense, maybe I have been playing around in these hellish places and states of mind. They’re very transfixing but there is danger and risk of getting stuck there for sure.

Anyway. Interesting terrain and experiences over the past year. I find myself thankful for it and reflective about the growth which has occurred. This deep dark shame karma will likely come up in more layers as I return to more consistent practice and energy hygiene, I feel I should be able to chip away at and surrender this stuff however long it takes. No rush.

Dang, seemed to find the elevator yesterday and it all got blasted away. Spent the evening on the verge of tears at life's beauty, feels like I have new eyes. Emerging from the strange slumber I've been in for all these years. Seems one really good, focused grounding is enough to obliterate a seemingly insurmountable monolith of karma almost instantly - probably my vortex. Somehow, I was putting too much effort into grounding visualization before, if I relax into the visualization and don't pay attention to the resistance and squirming in my body it works way better.

On another note, COVID seems to be closing in everywhere around me, people turning up positive and somehow or another, to my knowledge, I have not gotten it.

Quote from: TheFifth on Mar 06, 2021, 09:31:06 AM
On another note, COVID seems to be closing in everywhere around me, people turning up positive and somehow or another, to my knowledge, I have not gotten it.

I hear you there. It is the same in the UK. It was just reported that our levels have breached the worst month ever totals, so we have all gotten locked down again. On a positive note, it is making people get out to nature here which is something which didn't happen before any of this.

Stay safe!

Thanks begeegs, yeah the US and specifically the state I'm in is getting pummeled and I fear it's only going to get worse due to the nonchalant "all is normal" mentality here.

To good health,

The Fifth

Phenomenologically speaking I did have an exposure last week and been feeling fine, but today I do notice some tiredness but could be from drinks the previous night. But, interestingly, I notice K fire rising which seems to occur sometimes in response to infections. Most of the time, it goes like this though - minimal symptoms, k fire sensations, I supplement with zinc and quercetin and it is gone in a couple days.

I think I notice things in my body mind most people would miss, which normally feels like a flood of tmi but when it comes to noticing asymptomatic infections in myself, pretty keen.

Most likely, it’s the drinks because this happened a month or two ago and it seems my body mind cannot really handle alcohol anymore over 3 cocktails. This is not new; I had to give up cannabis seemingly indefinitely about a year ago because it started triggering uncomfortable ego dissolution tripping symptoms. I enjoyed having my social inebriants but I suppose I can give them up too or reduce which may or may not be indefinite. 

Negative result just came in despite all my exposure, so probably not covid. Probably spiritual cleansing illness

Illness and muscle aches and kriyas has passed and now I feel dead, like I never existed and my life was a dream or a hallucination. Semi uncomfortable but moving with it. I've had this before but this iteration is quite strong

It feels like I've been in this place for a while now, there's just this part of me that's very, very good at clinging to these somewhat superficial identity overlays and resisting.

And it’s back to music as art as salvation. Been sitting on this really dark droning project for a few years now that seems to have spirit in it and wants to develop further. Wanted to move away from making this sort of intense heavier music but at the end of the day, it’s still what calls to me and just kind of what feels right and zen right now. At the end of the day I don’t seem to pick what genre I get to work in. Darkness, forests and solitude both as statement and aesthetic is just what feels most comfortable to me, always has. Probably a vampire thing, some gothic spirit heretofore unawakened to itself.

Anyway, thank Goddess for art! It’s both a love and a necessity

Developing a personalized method of keeping sane involving simultaneously grounding and tuning into someone for feeding/healing. I’ve realized that I have basically no attention span especially when I’m in the weeds and having some very straightforward way of getting out like this seems advantageous.

QuoteDeveloping a personalized method of keeping sane involving simultaneously grounding and tuning into someone for feeding/healing.

  You were feeding without getting grounded first?

  Teaching is such a crapshoot sometimes, no matter how complete the info presented, it is impossible to guess what memo might be overlooked.

  Always be grounded, and especially take time to ground before any sort of magical or spiritual action. It is harder for vampires but no less important. It is at the top of the grounding page and the start of every instruction.

  Grounding acts like a heat sink, sometimes. Plugging your individual mind, individual energies into Goddess Planet grants resilience. It is the safety net.

  Eh? My laptop sits on a half-inch thick, black marble tile. Helps keep it cool by absorbing and dissipating the heat from the fans beneath.  That sits on a metal breakfast-in-bed tray that raises it above the table, more heat conduction/ dissipation and ventilation. Machine crashes hard if the graphics card overheats, like if I turn the view distance up to 1200m in secondlife to snapshot the whole sim.

  Machines and people, have to provide the support they need to do the work. Goddess provides for you.

   A  lightning rod, sends the massive voltage down a wire to a spike driven deep into the earth so the building is spared. Literally, grounded into the Earth. Need that, for safety with high voltage.

Working with the high energies you do, without being grounded? OMFG!
  Explains a lot... don't do that anymore, ok? It is too much stress.

  Funnny thing, a while ago. It occurred to me to ask some students if they ever talk to the planet?  Most of them said they had never thought of it.

  I am trying to work out how, the idea of developing a personal relationship with the planet became overlooked?

   One of those things that is so natural and obvious, to me?  Since age 2, 1965:  "You are My child..."  She told me, face to Faceless dazzling white light. FST came out of me asking Goddess Planet about the path of Kundalini that She designed in our DNA. I talk about talking to the planet but never actually tell students to try it for themselves. Weird.

  She speaks through the Heart, through the DB but these are specialized manifestations. It is through the planet, I got a path that adapts and enhances the practical challenges of our modern daily lives. Grounded in the physical daily reality. Goddess manifest as Earth.

  Goddess Planet designed you, vampire. Gave you an absolute imperative, gifted you with a quantum guide that is aligned to Her will, and led you to the only teacher in the world who understands it, She has got your back... so why would you leave Her out, when it comes to actually doing the work?

  Working with the huge energies without being firmly grounded makes you a leaf in the wind. Tossed around by the karma flowing through you, losing your sense of self, even to the point of completely depersonalizing from overload.

  That is not how it is meant to be... karma keeps unfolding for sure, but these intense swings? ... leaf. Is there some attachment to the drama makes you try to go it alone? Some insecurity?

  You do this work by Her will for you, (as I do, training you)  and She is completely involved with every bit of vampire purpose. She is there supportive heat sink, the flow of grounding as She blows the lint off.  Your work, feeds Her, you got that movie? Most of the energy you transmute goes to Her, it is too much for you to handle.

  You have connected with Her before and probably have a mental bookmark of how the Presence felt. Remember how it felt, remember you are only the vessel, and if the vessel is taking the hits then you are doing it wrong, getting in the way.

Meant to be a fun sleigh ride, surfing on it, not a scary rollercoaster. Reconnect, get the movie, vessel vs doer. A clearer job description, purpose.

At the very least, anchor in your roots before feeding. Roots are like a comfy custom bunker, an underground storm shelter to hang out with your essential human self, while the vortex eats a torrent of grief from Brazil.

  Always interesting to read your posts.  Not always moved to respond.
   

Oh definitely an insecurity thing. I also seem to have a “part of self” that vehemently resists grounding or doing this work, just wants to live normal. But yeah, makes me a leaf. Tired of being a leaf. I guess the equation, or sequence, is ground, then feed, then, well, relax. Simple.

Since doing my ground and feed routine noticing less unsolicited negativity from others and, interestingly, super charged and astute senses of sight and hearing. My awareness of environment and the feeling states of people around me feels almost superhuman. Such a difference between my scattered slacker hungry side and the present, fed aware side. So far, so good. Hopefully this will be a routine that works and I can stick with, found my groove

Also seem to be playing out my “failure” pattern but at this point it’s just getting old and getting me beat up, ain’t nobody got time for that. Antiquated model

 Grounded is normal, natural. Grounding sets your energy back to how it is meant to flow.

  You can check with discernment, Goddess and guides about that. Anything else is un-natural... even if it may be relatively "normal" for most.

  Ground, feed, stay grounded while feeding, rest, do art.

  The supernatural awareness is also natural, for you. 

  Dog's nose. 30% of a dogs brain is dedicated to it, it provides an ocean of info not just of the present, but of the past. Not just the outside, but the inside of things, from detecting tumours to sniffing out contraband, even identifying our emotions by the chemical signatures of pheromones.  Nearest analogy I have found, to a vampire's awareness of energies. Yes it is a super power!

  Your energy is less pokey to people if you keep it turned inward, giving to Goddess in your heart... the entire universe is in the heart chakra.

   Your vortex guide will probably disagree lol because it prefers to poke karma to the surface for snacking, lol.

  Most of the vamp training so far has been remote work... quite different from training FST lineage where they sit in on the chat and observe.  FST is not healer training so it feels very weird to be explaining it here...

   Directions for working with people, one-on-one and real time.

   I think for some of this I will offer examples from someone who is no longer lineage.

  A lineage member was doing a session with Sigmund's sister and was having trouble connecting, gaining trust. Called me in.
  I said "I am so honoured to meet you!" and just like that she relaxed and became receptive.  People want to feel seen, they want to know you are interested in them.

  The ex-lineage member later admitted to having no interest in people and not caring about them enough to be bothered with setting them at ease.  Narcissism is a bug in some shaman lineages, compassion is not their motive.

  I set aside everything I think I know about the client, to be a clean slate. Go into a state of selfless listening and mentally, ask Goddess in them, why She brought them to me, what is required of me.  I might ask the client the same but more casually, "So, what is on your mind?" Then there are two conversations at once because Goddess uses their mouth and provides insights.

   It is amazing what people will tell you, when you are in a selfless listening state, not projecting anything.  If you watch, peripheral awareness,  while they talk, it is like the related karma in them lights up like a pinball machine to show you where the blockages are. 

   Trigger & vamp technique can feel like an interrogation if you are not selfless. While they pour out their troubles they are gifting them (not always! Some people just want attention, vortex knows the difference)  and you can feel the stuff flowing as they share.

  From a selfless place, the heart will provide comments or questions that lead them to share more, that is the trigger part.

  It might be a sympathetic comment ("that must have really hurt")  or a question ("What did you do then?")  that moves the story along, to share and release the next level of emotional information. Accepting what is shared with no judgement, is the vamp part.

    If you are very tuned in you might get the movie of their memories as they reminisce... this is actually a quantum effect, you have time travelled to be with them in the moment the trauma happened. Since loneliness, or feeling unsupported is a big factor in trauma becoming post-trauma syndrome, your supportive presence changes their past. They were not alone.

  You can also do this with your past self. Not in your memories, as such because you travel back to sit with your past self supporting the boy as he goes through the hard stuff.  One of the nicest perks of time travel. 

Yeah I’ve been wondering for a while why I’m such a natural counselor, imposter syndrome feeling like why do ppl generally open up to me so easily. It’s the perfect role for me, I think my issue has just been one of cleanliness on the personal energy level. I’m going to try to be more conscious of what is described here this coming week.

Last week I was kinda feeling really low energy and ended up really tuning into a client and eating up whatever came up and she definitely seemed to notice. Could see the storyline of her life and a bunch of info that to me was very abstract. Didn’t feel like it was intrusive with a capital I, but I prefer to fly below the radar and do not like messing w/ ppl to any extent that they notice even if it’s healing. My intuitive sense is I shouldn’t have to work that hard and not to use that approach again, somewhat intrusive. Learning.

Which, I think brings me back to receptive listening at work and personal cleansing. My job should provide me the snacks. If I can figure out my rhythm with this it should turn me into a superstar counselor.

I’m starting to suspect our frontman may be an unawakened vampire but I don’t know. Melancholic temperament and triggers a lot of hostility and aggression in people that, to me, seems kind of disproportionate and uncalled for. But he does seem to feed a lot on negativity and his creative alchemy seems to be triggering people then proving them wrong. I’ve been calling it the “Gohan effect.” I don’t know, my first thought is it’s his journey and if he needs to know, the info will find him. But I also want him to be okay. Maybe I can eat some of the more toxic stuff sticking to him regardless.

QuoteLast week I was kinda feeling really low energy and ended up really tuning into a client and eating up whatever came up and she definitely seemed to notice. Could see the storyline of her life and a bunch of info that to me was very abstract. Didn’t feel like it was intrusive with a capital I, but I prefer to fly below the radar and do not like messing w/ ppl to any extent that they notice even if it’s healing. My intuitive sense is I shouldn’t have to work that hard and not to use that approach again, somewhat intrusive. Learning.

  Hmm... not sure you took the right lesson from that event. So quick to close the door?

  Getting that sort of info is absolutely normal. I think maybe it is your comfort zones, need adjusting?

  Did you remember to ground her? What did she notice?

  Please keep in mind that we see what Goddess and guide wish to show us. They respect free will so if you are being shown the buffet,  then it usually means dinnertime.  That it is hard work is a foreign idea to me... it can be tiring but we need a mix of remote and real-time connection.  You are not so experienced at this, that you know and have seen everything... at least, not consciously so it would not surprise me at all if your new grounded state opens you to a training phase where you are being shown biographies like that, to grow knowledge and experience.

  For Shamans, that sort of wholistic snapshot of an issue is quite normal. We don't see everything about someone, that would take a lifetime but the pattern, and the sense of how it evolved back through time, is pretty normal. How karma begins, then goes on repeat, hitting harder each time is usually the essence of the pattern. The original trauma and all the hits that came after... usually in reverse order, tracing the pattern back through time to point of origin. Understanding the influences and how they shaped the individual.   

We go through Hell Road to gain the keys to all the gates, to be able to free people and lead them out. Hell search and rescue, on call.  Vampires sometimes go through the abyss, they fear it because so many go insane. (ones who do not know me.)

   There are similar elements but the paths are not the same.  Defining the difference is tricky, but it is like shamans get trained and cleansed at the same time, gaining the keys, each one an insight into human behavior... what investing in fear does. Training is lifelong but it is the keys that open the doors of insight into the patterns. 

   Vampires seem to get the abyss to shake up the ego and then the training if they make it through.

   I had been wondering why you had not stabilized in the usual post-ascension time frame. Concerned.  That you were feeding without grounding never occurred to me because I don't expect smart people to do really dumb things. Laughing, relieved to have caught it.

  You had a new experience, it was outside your comfort zone, you went into resistance.  Resistance is for surrendering. Comfort zones are for expanding. It is a big thing, to open your heart so completely to knowing someone. Yes it feels very intimate.  Yet, from a selfless place it is also, as impersonal as looking at an x-ray image. No judgements. Letting them creep in later is just stuff rising to be cleared. Let it all go then take another look.

QuoteI’m starting to suspect our frontman may be an unawakened vampire but I don’t know.

  Well, vampire detection... the emotional scars are often the first clue.

   Looking for the vortex can be unreliable as often it has been boxed or hidden. Shamans can talk to anything so what I find most reliable is to call for their vortex guide, see what, (if anything) shows up. Vamps can do it too... calling up a shaman guide is not recommended but other vamp vortex guides are friendly even if they are not known to their person. For sure your guide knows if they have one too. Egregore, they all party together.

  The guides respect free will but I am not sure they have any, themselves. Such beings tend to be ruled by imperatives of purpose. See if he has a vortex guide, ask it how you can help.


 

I think I’ve stabilized. Finally getting a sense of what this ascended business is about, the riding a wave of synchronicity metaphor really does describe it. So many synchronicities.

A lot of work to do right now. Mother back East may be developing covid (going to ground her for a few days).

Yeah I have this tendency to recoil in the face of new experiences but more than that, I think I’m just paranoid about digging around in peoples business. But yeah, ever since that healing I did on that person I’ve been feeling great, heavier healthier, more clear. Going to continue experimenting with this.

When I tune into my friend I get a rush of excitement in my belly, what do ya know? Wouldn’t have thought. He’s not spiritually awakened to my knowledge or interested in that stuff. Interesting to feel in touch with his vortex. Feels like all is well, maybe just the vortex POV.

Anyway, in the zone, stabilized, happy to be here. And I would be the smart person to do the dumb thing, lol. Can laugh now.

Healthier *not heavier unless that’s some kind of synchronicity message too lol

He’s been describing having paranoid fits and generally jokes about being mentally ill, most of which I feel is rooted in real experiences. Seems to enjoy internet shouting matches with strangers. Very proud and isn’t going to hear something like this from me anytime soon, lol. Has a good heart, just young.

Guide is saying somewhat humorously admonishingly, “they’re paying you to help them.” Will explore it.

Think a lot of my issue with this goes back to high school when I realized my mood states can effect people around me. I realized I cannot get mad at anyone in particular without it effecting them or if I took too strong an interest in someone empathy would emerge fairly effortlessly. I think it makes people feel momentarily unplugged from the matrix, as it were. I shut off my emotions, but interestingly enough, when kundalini awakened I no longer really got mad or caught up invested in social games anymore. Kinda just dropped away.  Little did I know what was right under my nose, or that I’d come back to it one day, no longer feeling like some kind of enigma. I do have a place and a role in this world.

I don’t know necessarily what proportion of vampires become kundalini awakened or if this was what raised the ante for me so much. Honestly, I think it’s what saved me. Among other things.

Tried the technique described here today in session; the session went extraordinarily well and the client clearly seemed to notice and share much more than normal, lots of warmth in the room. It wasn’t until I got home and laid down to relax that I felt a connection with him and the substantial feeding took place. There’s some heart involvement. This is actually pretty interesting and a beautiful phenomenon. Something interesting to explore

Quote from: TheFifth on Feb 02, 2021, 10:46:36 PM
Healthier *not heavier unless that’s some kind of synchronicity message too lol

 Fixed it for ya.

 Glad you decided not to close the door... like I said, we need it. Shaman imperative too.

 Before xmas I took a little break from working on the 2020 edition of FST, and offered spiritual healing as a gift in my local fb "buy nothing" group. Somewhat to my surprise,  25 people responded, some requesting on behalf of others.  What I expected to be a few hours ended up taking 3 days but zero complaints because Goddess provides, and I needed it. It gave me the clarity, energy and inspiration to meet my self imposed deadline of NYE.

 Shamans do not identify as vampires and with that work I was not pulling karma so much as intervening with identity splinters but we need to do the work.

 Along the way I got an insight about how to do mass remote clearing of trauma sock puppets along with depression and the self created demons that drive the illnesses.  Calling all the types of splinters from the shadows at once, then sorting them, demons on the left for their resolution, and puppets on the right. They require different attention.

  I told the sock puppets I was requested by their CEO to intervene because (their person) does not know how to throw a retirement party and their work is done. Then I lined them up for handshakes and gold watches, watched them dance out the door.  I am a little surprised it worked but at least one person reported a mind cleared of obsessive trauma thoughts.  

 Being Goddess, in the moment, you do what seems obvious... and sometimes She shows new tech that is shareable. I have been postponing coming out of retirement and returning to public session work, reconsidering my lineup of available services.

 

QuoteWhen I tune into my friend I get a rush of excitement in my belly, what do ya know?

oh,... below the navel? Male sex vamps are quite rare but have delicious charisma.

QuoteMother back East may be developing covid (going to ground her for a few days).

 Bilocate to stand at her bedside while she sleeps, get deeply grounded and fill her with love projected from your heart until every cell is saturated.

QuoteGuide is saying somewhat humorously admonishingly, “they’re paying you to help them.”

 LOL, yup. There is no clearer consent than bribery, and it gives a lot of elbow room.

QuoteI realized I cannot get mad at anyone in particular without it effecting them

 Is true... but, wings wrapped is a better way to contain your emotional projections as well as providing insights that dissipate it. If you try to flatten one emotion you flatten them all. World goes grayscale. Roots bunker is good for sorting emotions too, they are very direct. Emotions are human, just take care not to aim them at others.

QuoteI do have a place and a role in this world. ...  This is actually pretty interesting and a beautiful phenomenon.

  So joyous to see you finally settling in and finding your place, the beauty in the gifts that have caused you so much trouble in the past. The work is fascinating and rewarding on so many levels. It has been a wild ride but it seems you have come home, to your true self and it is beautiful.

Yeah today is the first time in a while - maybe decades - I’ve woken up bright and early with a clear head, excited to face the day. It’s an unfamiliar feeling.

Lots more restlessness in my limbs, arms and legs today. Feels almost like a light kriya. Maybe just dynamism and stuff moving

 Yup. Dump overload and get some exercise. For that sort of restlessness I like sprints... like, alternating cycling as hard as I can, and coasting. 

Makes sense, I’ve been feeling fried since yesterday, not able to sleep the past four nights. No dreams, just experiences I end up not fully remembering. Hard to sit still in my therapist chair today, surviving lol. I’ll dump overload and get myself moving when I’m done.

Too much energy.

More improvements, notably, much less socially timid. I mean it makes sense how I was before considering I was starved of life force. Feels like seeing the world from a different angle than before. Better work/life balance, doesn’t feel like just trying to survive like before. Nice quiet head.

As an update on the client that “noticed,” I think it was her higher self or some higher aspect that took notice. The only difference I notice now is the therapy has accelerated and there is much greater depth. Which is good because I didn’t want ppl to notice anything supernatural going on and I suppose all they’ll likely notice is feeling better.

Mothers cough and headache disappeared. Who knows if that was it; she didn’t get tested and thinks now it may have been from shoveling snow. Headache, cough sounds like it was possible and either way, in these times I’m not risking anything.

Definitely in expansion mode it seems, and the onus seems to be on me to accommodate. The issue, more than ever before, is an astonishing surplus of energy. My options seem to be a. Dumping overload regularly and b. To grow to accommodate these energy levels. Some combination of the two seems to be the way forward. Noticeable increase in radiance.

What I wonder is, is there a cap to how much wider this river gets? The appetite of my vortex is ferocious and the net result is this incredible power coursing through me. 

TheFifth wrote: "What I wonder is, is there a cap to how much wider this river gets?
I have restarted the new FST course.
In the course intro, Mystress says:
"The intention of the Shakti of information is, "To each according to their need and ability to recieve, and not more than they can handle."
Based on my Hatha yoga practice, I have observed that body requires time to heal and grow.
Many times when I surrender something for clearance, I will become physically tired and have to nap.
Sometimes I also get ravenously hungry and need to eat nutritious and delicious food.
Body needs time to readjust and replenish when shifts in energy occur.
As your energy vibration increases, you also have very narrow tolerance for error and cannot afford to make too many mistakes (although Goddess shows mercy).
This means if I hold on to self-doubt or negative emotions, my body will take huge hits - first warning is stiff muscles; aches like a mofo.

Mystress has repeated that FST is body first path.
We learn to listen to our body (discernment) and honor our body's wisdom.
When I do my yoga, I have noticed blockages disappear without intentional effort from me and I would suddenly get a sense of clarity.
Indian sage Patanjai who is hailed as one of the greatest authors of classical Yoga texts was also a grammar scholar and a physician.
Patanjali's practice of yoga connects mind, speech, and body.
Mystress has emphasized the power of thought, word, and action.
My opinion is that, there is no 'cap' when you are merged into higher consciousness through surrender but the body reminds you that there are limits.

Yeah the issues in me that have been impeding me are responding better now to surrender. Before, it felt all entrenched and intertwined with a bunch of other stuff, difficult to tease out, overwhelming. Now, I feel it move up and out. The idea of no cap before felt daunting but if I keep clearing it should = more bliss.

Keep being brought back to this deep healing work. If I go a few days without doing a deep healing on someone the listlessness returns. I think I really internalized the “Goddess within” focus and the idea of doing healings on others regularly is just new. It’s almost like the motives are selfish enough as to eliminate any possible projections on my part of need for fixing. Feeling happy and healthy is one heck of a motivator.

The going back in time to be present with someone at their points of trauma seems very effective. I know I mentioned before it felt like too much work but honestly it kind of just happens almost effortlessly if I’m attuned.

One of my clients seems to be undergoing kundalini awakening, describing it as an opening that he feels he has prayed for on some deep level, but a lot more than bargained for. Hard to say if seeing me was catalytic or if he found / was guided to me as the therapist who may be able to understand this particular event. Onset was fairly recent and I’ve noticed my other sessions are intensifying now that I’m getting clear and feeling charged up. Seems Goddess in him has it handled and seemed to be speaking to me through him.

Interesting stuff seems afoot.

The whole Muktananda shaktipat thing isn’t of particular interest to me, and, in fact, the energy is something I’d prefer to keep inward but I suppose sometimes it’s beyond my will. I’m wondering if the healing did it, and, if this is the case, if I need to develop a cleaner method...

Seems after one of these feeding healings more karma flows my way which my vortex is referring to as “seconds.” With the seconds, grounding seems to take primacy.

Coinciding with all of this, my physical appetite has seemingly dropped to a quarter of what it was. Thought maybe there was something wrong. Maybe just getting vitality on other ways now...

To cap off this particular burst of thoughts, I think a big area of growth for me is embracing experiences as they are. They just are.

So the biggest thing I’ve gleamed from all of this is basically, more often than not, too much energy and overload is the issue for me, so it would seem dumping overload and staying in body is the single most helpful thing. The overload was there for years at levels I could manage but counseling a full caseload full time and all that extra energy coming in threw me into really difficult overload states. I kept wondering, am I so tired and unfocused because I’m not eating enough? Looks like it’s the opposite in some ways.

Sooo, dumping overload may just be a permanent fixture of my daily routine. May or may not have been the Earth communicating but I had the impression a few days ago of it being a “collaborative relationship.” I just have, all this dang paperwork to get caught up on after that burnout stupor. Finally, though, seem to have found the solution.

So this might be some kind of cheat code I’ve discovered but I’ve found that when I utilize binaural beats ostensibly designed to promote theta waves I’m able to access my creative brain and really begin moving this energy into my creative projects without feeling so stuck. I feel kinda high honestly and on fire with inspiration that’s actually good quality.

Re establishing connection with the soul spark seems to be helping with more sustainable balancing. Seems to require fair deal of persistence and in the past I’d usually give up if I didn’t see rapid improvement. Somewhere in me is a vibrant, joyous person who wants to savor and really live life to the fullest.

I don’t know if it was how I was raised - always moving, no supervision or responsibility - but I just can’t seem to commit to anything. Whether it’s a place, or even people, everything feels so subject to change and for the longest time I projected callousness on other people, when in reality, I was just deeply estranged from myself.

Anyway, let’s see if I can stick with this. 30 minutes of surrendering after waking and before bed, souls meditation 5x daily, and feeding as invited.

Well, seems I’ve shifted into a new reality of sorts. Lots of magical energies and things happening. I think the prognosis that there’s be a training period was spot on. I seem to be in the process of being taught how to communicate with Goddess better in reality and others. Had an experience channeling angels and a departed loved one of someone who was recently steered my way, pretty incredible experience. Kind of become a lightening rod for miracles.

There’s this sort of, confidence, that’s come over me. Never felt this before. It’s like I know what I have to do, even if I don’t exactly know what it is. It’s a nice change.

Thought I was just lapsing into some kind of delusions about getting “help from on high” with the music but turns out it’s really happening and, on top of that, my very survival seems tied to music making regularly. No wiggle room here and I cannot walk away from it. Bad idea. I don’t know if the band is even what the plan is ultimately, or if this has all been about experience and finding my own voice.

Must surrender outcomes or even attachment to the ideas. They’re marvelous though, and I cannot entirely take credit for it. But I think it’s to be expected that something  is going to be good when there’s an imperative to do it.

I should really stop underestimating the acuity and accuracy of my perceptions and ideas. Clearly onto something, still feeling my way through the dark, but cool stuff is afoot.

I was wondering for some time why I feel in many ways so socially disengaged and why, for some reason and in some ways, I’m so rigid and tone -deaf to things right under my nose and then I realized that on top of everything, I think I’m grokking the fact that I do in fact seem to be an Aspie. It’s weird because, in some ways I’m sooo damn good at reading and relating to people, but in others I literally feel like I exist in my own universe with interests upon which I hyper fixate. I suppose, it comes down to where my interests are.

Reading interviews with people like Henry Rollins - how his entire life is organized around his creative pursuits - makes me feel somewhat less alone and defective. The hyper focus means I’m either brilliant or complete moron on any given day, or in any given situation. Extreme performance and achievement on one hand, or utter failure on the other, there’s no middle ground for me. I’ve always been my own biggest liability and to the extent that I’ve accumulated any place or personal capital in this world, it’s been by hacking myself in some way or form. Cant break my addiction to cheat codes. I suppose because they felt necessary for so long.

Anyway. I’m an extreme person. Maybe a little exhibitionistic. Definitely obsessive.  I don’t read much into astrology, but I fit my Aries description. I’ve just had this wet blanket around me, these fucking chains, these shackles on me for so many years. That depressive person, isn’t me. Cant get those years back, but can change the way I encounter the present. All of these things, make me a performer at heart, a musician. I’ve realized I have aptitude for this, and a compelling story to tell. I just feel like I’m realizing this relatively late and after having invested so much time in a variety of other pursuits.

And, in some ways, was probably for the best, to have some of these capacities and traits - this psycho-dynamism - locked away until I could responsibly channel it artistically.

I’ve just, built this life around mere financial survival and workarounds for my motivational deficits and depressive tendencies but, as I more connect with who I am, is this even me? I underachieve, let things slide, overachieve in some specific domains or when I get pissed off enough about being written off or underestimated. Somewhat paradoxically, my trait openness to experience seems very high and at my worst I feel like I’m utterly undefined, without direction, and that I reinvent myself almost daily. There’s serious risk, serious liability there, not having a direction, consistency, or, at worst, mere coherence. I suppose, that’s the leaf thing. Need more presence.

What a puzzle I am, so full of surprises, paradoxes and curveballs.

Funny, I genuinely gave up on all of this and myself and now I realize, I can grow to no longer be so centered around and focused on myself. Feels important, like a leap. Grateful for what feels like a genuine transmutation that's taken place.

"Loneliness is generally a lack of interest in others." Forgot where I read something to this effect, but feels pertinent to where I was.

Lots more going on thats...hard to articulate. Positive shifts.

 You gave up? How so?

  You have been quiet, so has everyone.  I had a problem with chrome crashing and eating posts... discouraging. Usually I use a text editor.

  The aspie thing, I dunno. That is for a professional to evaluate.

  I spent the first 4-5 months of 2021 feeling... not antisocial exactly but very introverted and unmotivated. Just, blah and I sort of flowed with it, let it run its course.  Goddess always throws me a rope eventually, like it is the very nature of the Vajra Diamond to return to clarity.   We are like miners, when we descend it is to dig up treasure.

  This time the rope was pure braided platinum and I am having issues with unworthiness that bring tears. Emotional release is healthy, and I know that is all it is. Just stuff. 

  Some of it was just defeated stubbornness. Eleven fricking years of menopausal BS when does it end? WTF is the point? Kind of like going on strike lol. (I still checked the tearoom several times a week like always.)

  There is an inuit story of a Sea God and a big rock on the shore. If an inuit gets very stuck, if the tribe is in deep trouble you go to the big rock and start tapping on it with a smaller stone... for days... until the Sea God rises up and demands the tapping stop! Then the inuit tells the Sea God they cannot stop because of the problem, and the Sea God gives a solution, just to get some peace.

Given how fast one finger tapping self hypnosis can send one into a deep state I can just imagine how tapping for days, without eating or sleeping would open some doors of the mind! I also, equally believe in the Sea God. Respect for all the Gods.

  So it was like that but not like that... just worn out and needing some clarity, direction. Wow did I get insights, blew my mind so completely I dunno whether to laugh, cry or puke... but the answer is 'none of the above' because emotions are bullshit ego drama. and the point of the insight is to be done with all of it.

Seems impossible given my disabilities but I am open to miracles. What Goddess wants. 

   What ever the inuit person feels, worry, hunger, thirst, fatigue... they do not let it interfere with tapping the stone. Those guys... have the patience and focus to sit for hours or days on the ice, watching for a feather above a hole in the ice to flutter so they can harpoon a seal.

I know people who cannot stand to be alone with their thoughts for five minutes and have had those moments myself, especially the emotion storms of menopause fueled pms rage grows into a monster if fed with attention. Surrender doesn't help much when hormones have taken over. Distraction, until it passes and then forensic the bones. "This too shall pass" and in the meantime there is netflix and chill. Better than accidentally cursing someone with my angry victim hormone fired delusions.

  I am in favour of your discovery and it is one ascended people come to eventually, with experience, and I dunno how to teach it better than I already have:

  The world, tells you emotions are important, that you need to honour and obey them and that represents being true to yourself. It is BS, and especially bad advice for very empathic ascended shaman vampire types who are constantly bombarded with emotions that are not even our own.... and for awakened people, feeling emotions that are of the past and not of the moment, acting on them makes disasters. It is often best to simply ignore them instead of feeding them or resisting them.

  If it is your job to help others with their emotions, is it not better to get your own feelings out of the way? Selfless listening. Set aside what you feel, be there for them. Get rewarded on many levels. That is the job you were designed for? Goddess brings them. The more you can stay out of your own way, the easier it gets. Same for your own feelings. As an empath, you cannot tell which are your own anyway so don't empower any but the bliss of the art, being the vessel.

  Ascended, the inside and outside are the same and feeding the bullshit makes you go there. Surrender can look like resistance. Giving zero fucks about your own feelings (except for sensations of discernment talking) is a kind of unconditional acceptance that lets them flow through without resistance.

  Stick with the discipline, the art and the soul energy. Grounding, etc.

   Emotions are bullshit, most of the time they are just karma noise trying to work its way out, mine or somebody else's and sometimes the quickest way to shift them is to not give them any power. Feed them to the vortex, surrender them, transmute them with the heart chakra, accept them, breathe into them ... or learn to ignore them and do the right thing anyway.  Sometimes just ignoring them works best of all, for the ascended and empathic. 

  My man used to complain I do not respect his emotions. I used to get defensive, feeling accused of being hard-hearted when I am actually so empathic.

  Then one time I just looked at him, exasperated and said, "Who do you think you married? I don't even respect my own emotions! For an empathic healer, emotions are just energy stuff to be cleared, not respected!" (This was before I ate his depression.) I reached into him and pulled some of the butt-hurt out of his power chakra, and the grief from his heart, fed it to the faeries. he looked surprised, feeling the shift. I pointed out I had been pulling depressive feelings out of him every day since 1996. Why would I respect his emotions when I can take out the trash or his crazy, and we both feel better?

  With depression, being slave to the emotions is part of the crazy. Respecting and believing the feelings makes the illness worsen. Asking me to be slave to them too, is nonsensical.

  Yet at the same time, in the time since the depression resolution what has come up for me is how many times I altered myself to adapt to living with his. Reclaiming parts of myself I gave away for the sake of peace. Decompressing.

  It is those who are most afraid of mental illness, I think, become the worst emotional hypochondriacs, obsessing and worrying about what they feel. Obsessing is not the same as letting go.

  They say courage is not an absence of fear, it is accepting the fear, and acting anyway. Rising above it. Fear gets zero fucks.

  Emotions, come and go: we remain. The still point at the eye of the storm. 

Good stuff. I’m realizing my puzzle is more complex than I realized. The allergies, the general highly sensitive person / HSP stuff. I feel like my aura picks up everything, beyond just human emotional detritus. Cutting myself more slack. I try to do-do-do like a good Westerner and sometimes I have to just be.

Diet must be modified, cutting out wheat and other offenders. I suffer from pallor and always have, I suspect low iron. Sometimes, awareness feels very dim and it makes me wonder, nutritional deficiency, or am I actually a sang? I damn well hope not.

Yeah my issue is lingering sticking points. Being accused of being cold and detached are all things I relate to and I honestly thought for the longest time I was a sociopath and felt terrible and depressed about it, but I don’t think that’s the case; I just detach out of survival necessity (and I don’t think a sociopath would reflect on and feel terrible about being a sociopath, lol). And I don’t think a sociopath would have gone into my line of work. I think I’m also conflating this with my “demonic splinter” which actually has been pretty quiet for the past year.

Sometimes I feel like I process life and human interaction too deeply for my own good; like, lately I’ve been hyper aware of how humans experience life and interaction in terms of narrative and like, is this the only possible mode of being to be stuck in? And reciprocity, if people always expect actions to be reciprocated, is it truly love? I just feel like I’m unplugged from some kind of matrix but I’m somewhere “off the map” where I fixate on off the wall details. Just, too “meta” lately, feeling like I’m always outside rather than in. .

But yeah, tremendous amounts of empathy can create a paradoxical face to others. Maybe I am fairly absorbed in creative pursuits over relationships right now. And maybe that’s okay. Maybe it’s even subject to change. The creative pursuits don’t feel about me, though, and I’m many ways the whole thing has been “eyes and hands” and all the joy that goes along with the discovery and creation. I try so hard to be a good and loving person and I think I get lost in the trying, running from the negative self judgments. In many ways though I think I’m just following my bliss and I do feel the gravitational pull of my soul, pulling me to keep on with the music, especially. Such joy.

Anyway, yeah, I still get transfixed on feeling shitty about myself. I suppose the depressive proclivity will always be there but I can chose not to become captive/captivated by it. Gender identity stuff lately too, thinking, feeling and even emanating energy like I’m female. I’m sure there’s a whole tunnel I could get lost in reflecting on that matter when I could just let it be and not worry about it. I suppose it’s just hard that society has these ideals of what masculinity is and I really don’t and never did give a hoot either way. But then why do I still care about conforming? I can’t, it’s just not me.

I’m just so dang neurotic sometimes like everyone on my father’s side, worried about what others think of me to the point of reticence. Or earlier today, someone stole an important nutritional package delivered to my door and I get so dang angry and vindictive. It’s like every trauma and everything I’ve ever been through is flash-activated in that instant. Not a big deal. Gotta practice just letting go. The flashes of rage are sorta new, though. I never used to get mad regardless of circumstances. Probably a signal of emotional muddiness. I’m being told rn, put it into music. Will do.

I think I understand better, or grok better this healthy witnessing of emotional states and thoughts. They’re so dang captivating though and I fall and fall off the saddle.

Even though Tearoom has been quiet lately, when people post stuff here, it is insightful and helpful for me (and I suspect I am not the only one who benefits from having a sense of community here).

Becoming numb and apathetic is a survival/mercy mechanism - sort of an in-built safety valve so that empaths do not go completely insane with other people's stuff.
I have always been very good during emergency situations when everyone around me falls apart.
My emotional numbness allows me to snap into focus about practical stuff during emergencies that needs to be done.
My depression is my 'heavy gift' from Goddess that allows me to be the 'sane' person during 'insane' scenarios.
Because I have personally experienced pain/loneliness through my depression, I have become more compassionate towards myself and others.

The problem with depression is that it is comfortable to stay in your dark emotionally numb hole.
It is scary to climb out of that dark familiar hole, risky to open yourself again to the possibility of getting hurt, and not easy to get past your own fears especially with trauma.
It is safe to be numb but feelings are a package deal - you block the negative, you block everything.
When we are emotionally numb, we go through the motions without participating in life and so everything feels stale.
Favorite food, favorite music, favorite places, favorite people - none of it gives you joy because being numb blocks both good and bad (good and bad are judgment labels that rational minds feels compelled to put on our experiences).
Also, by building a protective fortress of numbness, we become insulated - nothing new enters and what is inside, gets trapped into loops.

Feeling sad and crying is beautiful because you are able to feel and allow things to flow.
When I am numb, I watch/read disturbing things to see if there is anything in me that flinches (I do NOT recommend this if you are already struggling with mental health issues).
One of the most disturbing and poignant movies that I have watched is 'Requiem for a Dream' (originally written as novel by Hubert Selby Jr.).
I watched in 2008 and it left me shattered and pushed me into a downward spiral of depression for several months.
It is a powerful piece of art that haunts me even after several years when I hear the soundtrack.
I am glad that I watched it but I do not want to watch it again.
It took me almost 13 years to be brave enough to read another book by Hubert Selby Jr.
I read the novel 'The Room' by Hubert Selby Jr. this summer because I finally felt stable and brave enough to take a peek at the darkness.
It is a very difficult and disturbing book to read for various reasons.
It is about a man who is locked up in a jail cell  - "a nameless petty criminal locked in a remand cell, and explores his feelings of impotence, hatred and rage, and fantasies of revenge"
The entire plot hangs on this tension of a man being wrongfully imprisoned and his vengeful rage at the world.
Here's an excerpt from an interview with Hubert Selby Jr. about 'The Room'.

QuoteHS: He progresses further into his own hate. Hate is self-destructive. The price of hating others is loving yourself less. His self-esteem has gone down. Hate is chewing up any touch of humanity that’s left. Underlying his hate is guilt. Sexual, religious guilt, which you see in his fantasies. You also have a third thing in there where memory and fantasies intertwine and even he doesn’t know what’s true and what isn’t true. Memory is like that after a while. What is real and what isn’t real begin to get intertwined with fantasies. Truth becomes almost non existent. The tragedy of this man is that he has found himself guilty. That’s why we don’t know whether he’s legally guilty or not, because he has found himself guilty. So, after a while, as I said before, the only source of energy for hate is oneself. And he is so chewed up with his hate, which comes from his guilt, that he is running out of energy. But I am not suddenly going to pop in the book and say, “Look, he’s found himself guilty.” What he does is that he runs out of his ability to defend himself because of that guilt, So that even in his fantasies he can’t continue the pose.

JOB: By the end of the novel he comes to accept the guilt, whereas up until then he has been blaming everyone except himself.

HS: Right. He has run out of sources to blame.

JOB: But in accepting the guilt, he destroys himself.

HS: That’s why when the jail door opens, you don’t know whether he’s going to prison or whether he’s free. It doesn’t make any difference because, even if they let him loose, he’s a prisoner of himself and his guilt.

JOB: But you do not see these characters, either the one in The Room or those in the other novels, as abnormal or psychotic.

HS: No. No. No. Every one of those characters is within me and everyone else. In you, my wife, my children. To varying degrees. I don’t see them as psychotic. I see them as tragic, but I don’t see them as psychotic. I think of them as people. And I am starting to understand them better now and am beginning to realize that they are just doing the best they can with what they have, And they believe that they are doing what they should. That’s the tragedy of it. The tragedy of these people is their lack of vision.

JOB: I’ve tried to find a relationship in The Room between the character’s past and present, but I cannot find one. What I am looking for are the causes for his present condition. Yet, he seems to have had nothing horrible happen to him; his mother loved him, he had a girlfriend, and so on.

HS: But it’s what he makes of these experiences that matters.

Source: A Conversation with Hubert Selby By John O’Brien, The Review of Contemporary Fiction, Summer 1981, Vol. 1.2 - https://www.dalkeyarchive.com/a-conversation-with-hubert-selby-by-john-obrien/

TheFifth wrote: " I try so hard to be a good and loving person and I think I get lost in the trying, running from the negative self judgments."
I think that people who are socially marginalized generally have the added pressure of being a 'model minority' all the time.
It is easy to internalize an inhumane standard of perfection as the basic requirement for survival - unless I am perfect, I am not good enough to exist.
When you have been socially marginalized as 'lesser' somehow because of who you are, the reactive instinct is to prove you are better.
Almost all of my early career achievements happened as 'Fuck you!' to people who doubted my abilities.
Everyone around me told me that I should be very proud of my achievements but I did not feel happy because those were not things I wanted for myself but things I did to prove others wrong.
Also, expecting perfection is very arrogant and lacks humility.
Humans learn by making mistakes and all humans have limitations.
The more grounded I am, the less I worry about other peoples opinions of me.
The hamster wheel of 'continuous self-improvement' can also become an ego trick to escape being in the present - nothing is ever good enough and happiness is always postponed into the future.
I think I posted this already but re-sharing one of my favorite clip from Frasier - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3CNmrUMS5FQ


TheFifth wrote: "Gender identity stuff lately too, thinking, feeling and even emanating energy like I’m female. I’m sure there’s a whole tunnel I could get lost in reflecting on that matter when I could just let it be and not worry about it. I suppose it’s just hard that society has these ideals of what masculinity is and I really don’t and never did give a hoot either way. But then why do I still care about conforming? I can’t, it’s just not me."
I can relate with you on this.
There are some people who respond well to my feminine side and some others who do not.
I do not look stereo-typically feminine and am happy being a bearded man.
When someone is uncomfortable with their own feminine side, then they become uncomfortable in my presence (internalized hatred gets triggered).
For instance, many gay men grow up internalizing fears about not being 'man enough' and therefore some of them become performers of hyper masculinity.
When it is a carefully rehearsed performance to please others, you become very obsessed about maintaining appearances and paranoid about anything that might disturb your projected image.
A gay man who is comfortable with his own feminine side becomes confrontational to their internalized 'femme-phobia'.
Sometimes women who are raised in patriarchal households will become enforcers of patriarchy by criticizing other women who dare to challenge norms.
There were some Jews who became Kapos (prison functionary) turning against others prisoners and becoming faithful servants of Nazi regime because they personally benefited from it.
Being socially marginalized and oppressed can make someone turn against what they have been taught to fear and hate (Jew/women/gay/disabled,etc) thereby making it easier to justify their own cruelty.
In their world, respect and dignity is reserved for the 'right kind of' gay man/ woman / immigrant / disabled / poor person and therefore they should continuously distinguish themselves from the rest by proving something.
Internalized homophobia leads gay men to say things like 'I am not like other gay men' as a manner of defining themselves.
Internalized misogyny leads women to say things like 'If she did not dress like a whore, others would respect her'
Never question the oppressive system but safely signal that you can be trusted because you are not like 'those other' people.
Never fight for equality but only ask that you get your share of the privilege by oppressing others.


TheFifth wrote: "The flashes of rage are sorta new, though. I never used to get mad regardless of circumstances. Probably a signal of emotional muddiness."
It could also be hunger.
Check if you are hungry when you get mad.
Hope some of this rambling was helpful.

HUGS
Gopi

QuoteBeing accused of being cold and detached are all things I relate to

  For sure. ADHD, emotional intensity can knock me right out of body into witness and I might not notice the change. Witness is unconditional love but completely emotionless and unsympathetic, nothing sugar coated like people expect. Tends to be interpreted as anger, via text.

   Good managers are told to wrap a criticism between two compliments. Heard it nicknamed a shit sandwich. Witness does not engage such social manipulations. Some see it as all shit and no sandwich.
Truth can be an unwelcome offering. It all comes down to trust.

QuoteI think I’m also conflating this with my “demonic splinter” which actually has been pretty quiet for the past year.

  You were in the test group for the splinter integration, got some decrease of allergy effects. Maybe splinter is gone now?

BTW, MSM aka organic sulphur for allergies. Buy the bulk powder online, tastes awful but dissolving in cold lemonaid and using a straw to bypass your taste buds helps a lot. I buy frozen pink lemonaid, take a spoonful out of the can to mix with water and put the rest back in the freezer.

QuoteAnyway, yeah, I still get transfixed on feeling shitty about myself. I suppose the depressive proclivity will always be there but I can chose not to become captive/captivated by it.

  They are just emotions, and emotions are just stuff.

  Did you ever consider, some of that stuff might not be yours? Usually we take ownership to get power via responsibility, to transmute or surrender but do a thought experiment: what if none of these insecure, depressive, negative self talk shitty feelings are really yours? What if they are like a coat you borrowed to fit in with a crowd of other insecure negative self talk people, and you wore it for so long  you forgot it is borrowed, not yours? 

  The rocks only show at low tide. When you are muddy, low energy. When the tide is high, you have all the confidence eh?

QuoteI think I understand better, or grok better this healthy witnessing of emotional states and thoughts. They’re so dang captivating though and I fall and fall off the saddle.

Yea you are getting it. We all fall off. Accept that too. Is ok to be human, eh? Even for vampires. :)

  This whole, cauncel culture thing. I have a different take. They say genius and insanity are two sides of the same coin, I say, they just go together.  The greater the gift, the bigger the genius, the more likely there will be something 'off' about them.  Can you think of a genius who is not a bit cuckoo or pervy?

  Tesla fell in love with a pigeon. Einstein did not learn to speak until he was five and had problems with shoelaces. Lewis Carrol liked to photograph prepubescent girls naked... a common Victorian hobby but what happened to move Alice's family to ban him from seeing her?  Disney was so uptight about sex, none of his cartoon characters have children. The most brilliant comedians are often suicidally depressed.  The list goes on and on. Even ADD is referred to as artist-genius disorder, like being gifted and losing executive function go hand in hand.

  You are gifted, and so you are also a bit strange and messed up just like all the other gifted people including myself.
   Unconditional self acceptance. Goddess sees you as perfect. Does your opinion really matter? ;) 

 

I think everything’s tying together. “Fear gets zero fucks” was exactly what I needed to hear, I think I get it now. I finally feel free and surfing. This feels like, perhaps, the biggest breakthrough I’ve had since coming here. This is pretty incredible, the synchronicities and “life taking” to me. I feel perfectly at ease that all is well. And yeah, genius, whatever that is, and inspiration  seem to flow through me, effortlessly and joyously.

Yeah, I was, for the longest time, on a treadmill to prove all the people who judged, doubted or condemned me wrong. It was a very painful place to be because they all have a piece of you and some small part of you believes their judgments were valid. Why else would it stick? 

The splinter seems gone, integrated - whatever. There was something very callous, proud and diabolical in me then I had a shameful part counteracting it but it all seems quiet now. He used to lash out at people who got close to me, made me wonder like, “dang, what’s that all about?” I isolated because I felt people too deeply and also because of the splinter. I feel like in the past week I’ve found my heart again, my concerns about myself were allayed as if it was an answer to a question and I’m realizing just how pleasant human life can be. What a strange malaise it was.

This place is so amazing and I’m so glad I found it. So happy to be here. Much love to everyone and namaste.

Still some weird physical pain stuff involving cysts and random crap life throughs ones direction. Seems a test on some or so of how deeply I can remain present

Trying the sulfur for the inflammation and CFS stuff which I still suspect is more physiological in origin. Positive body signal upon consumption, so will stick with it. On a body-mind level of analysis, I do wonder what the relationship is between my sensitivities and the allergies / extraordinary stress my body subjects itself to. Regardless the hypothesized routes of action of the sulfur and inhibition of some of the interleukins and other inflammatory cells should take a ton of strain off my system.

   My appearance has aged far too much, over this decade+  of horrific perimenopause. Yesterday someone guessed I am in my 60s. That is actually an improvement, I looked even older before.

  I am camera shy, but Goddess calls me to make more videos.

My fountain of youth recipe includes MSM, food grade diatomaceous earth and several types of collagen.

  MSM, essential organic sulphur (mineral sulpur is poisonous) like found in cabbage and egg yolk is mostly missing from our food since the introduction of chemical fertilizers in the 50s. Sounds like you already did the search, so I'll skip the details.

  The absence of vitamin C causes scurvy. and the symptoms of scurvy are myriad so it is with the symptoms of missing essential sulphur and silica. Do a search for testimonials about the supplementation and there are stories of miracles, so many ailments disappearing. Like Vitamin C, our body has little ability to store sulphur so it is best taken every day.

  Silica is in every cell of the body and our supply starts diminishing in our 30s. The expensive source is horsetail. The best source is food grade diatomaceous earth, sometimes called fossil shell flour. (Not- food grade has been treated with toxic chemicals for filtering swimming pool water, do not eat!)

  Diatoms are tiny sea creatures with skeletons made of silica. Their fossilized remains under the microscope look like little hollow barrels with spikes all over, a harmless abrasive dust to our touch but death of a thousand cuts to insects including intestinal parasites. The shape traps toxins like heavy metals so effectively that it is important not to take with any other supplements or medications because it might absorb those too.  It has a gritty texture (it used to be common as an abrasive in toothpaste) and an astringent-feeling clay flavour mixed with water. It is nicknamed "the dirt" by people who take it daily. A straw sends the grit to the back of your throat and a second glass of water washes the rest away, too little water and it can cause some constipation.

  New green trend: re-useable drinking straws of silicon, because metal straws can kill you.

  Collagen: the body starts losing its ability to produce collagen in our 20s and it is a very important type of protein representing about 30% of the body (connective tissue) and more than 70% of our skin. It provides elasticity, resilience. Without it- wrinkles and loss of flexibility with age.

  We do not lose the ability to utilize collagen, only to make it ourselves so supplementation has taken about 10 years off my face in a few months. druid noticed a reduction of joint pain after taking it for only a few days, he is 65. I am buying the more expensive flavourless kind but he does not mind or notice the slight beefy flavour of regular collagen from Bulk Barn, in his morning coffee. I also got a jar of collagen powder that is beef broth flavour because it has bone broth, which I am taking to repair my teeth and restore enamel.

  The DIY involves a crock pot and some bony, gristly meat.

  My last batch was a skin-on pork leg roast, in the crock pot for two days or how ever long it takes to dissolve all the gristle, turn the meat into pulpy fibres and the bones soft and ancient looking. Spices, onion and garlic add flavour but end up dissolved into soluble fibre. I washed off the bones and set them aside to dry. Stepping on a knuckle bone crushed it to pieces, so they were safe for puppy, no danger of splinters.

  In my starving artist days, I did not have a crock pot so it was the oven and 99cents/lb chicken legs and thighs from the Chinese grocery. I used red wine for the acid, intuitively... my goal was to maximize the nutrition, following instinct and tradition more than science. Acid helps leach the calcium and minerals from the bone. A bit of lemon juice or vinegar is more usual.

  The oven browns the meat, giving more flavour than the crock pot  but you have to keep a closer eye that it does not burn. You can brown the meat in the oven then put it in the crock pot. Once the gristle and onions were dissolved, I would lift out the bones and use a stick blender on what remained, breaking the half-melted skin into tiny fragments then pour into gelatin moulds for chicken pate. Pick the fat off after it gels in the fridge, unmould onto a plate.
  Less fancy: put it into mason jars. It can be canned or frozen for preservation.

  Extreme version, cook  it until the chicken bones are soft enough to crush with your fingers and don't take them out before blending. The result is a little gritty and a superfood.

  Gelatin and collagen are nearly identical, both being made from animal skin and gristle aka connective tissue. Gelatin is similar to hydrolyzed collagen, or collagen that has been cooked to break the proteins down further making it more digestible. Collagen dissolves in cold water and does not get, gelatin dissolves in hot water and gels when cooled. Nutritionally they are almost the same protein amino acids.

   The only mould I had was a beach toy, a child's plastic sand castle mould so the recipe was named "Chicken Ruins." Not only because it was no longer recognisable as chicken except for the taste, but also the visual effect of the delicious pate' castle turning to ruins as it is eaten, on crackers or corn chips.

FST is a body-first path, giving the body what it needs to restore balance is part of that.

Been rebalancing after a blowout bachelor party weekend in Vegas. I like to have a good time, no doubt, but I do not enjoy being stuck with other people continually over the course of two days with constant activities and little time for processing. I was on fire all day yesterday, just starting to feel myself again today.

Been using the mantra repeatedly karma follows responsibility. Seems to be working. I pick up so much stuff from around me though, and then sharing a room with my brother hurling old projections at me. It is important to share those experiences and to be together, I want a good relationship with him. In the face of his criticisms, just remembering that it's okay that I'm an imperfect human.

The "sociopath" part I think is better framed as the "warrior" part of self. Its mission seems to be survival and it internalized a "by any means necessary" mentality. It used to be really bad with lying and just getting into trouble but that stopped at age 16 with K awaking.

With all of my health issues growing up and the weird spiritual phenomena and the rejection, misunderstanding and judgment from others I just turned, cold in some ways. It feels more of a survival mechanism though than some deep-seated lack of conscience or empathy, I have both of those in spades.

I relate to what Gopi was talking about, the calm under pressure thing. I feel like I thrive in those situations and while I'm generally not good sitting behind a desk, I'm the one getting people out of the burning building or the crisis situation. Fearless in certain situations.

I think at the end of the day, I've been through so much silent suffering that I simply have no patience for bs. No time or energy for it. So, I am very good at disconnecting.

So apparently CFS can be related to depth of perceiving and processing. Just, a lot of signal and noise coming in. Makes sense. My gripes with society, I think, are not unfounded. All about productivity, achievements, accomplishments. I push, push and push and I still feel lazy. This immense depth of processing feels great for art, though. Gradual, ongoing creative projects. The discernment of where to place things feels almost God-like.

Sure, I must grant that there exists and always has existed a part of me that just wishes the world would leave me tf alone. Everyone in this world wants a piece of everyone else. Is it the best of all possible realities? Well, it is what is, must surrender my judgements.

I do seem to have found a way to keep up with some of the demands, though, using a compound called acetyl-l-carnitine which gives a nice big boost of energy and seems potentially indicated in the management of CFS due to some nascent research. Apparently, most feel a little boost or not much at all, but for me it feels like adderall but without the drawbacks. Clearly, whatever boost its giving to me on a cellular level feels beneficial.

Hmmm, seems my somewhat chaotic state as of late is stemming from world events, I seem to be feeling the energies. Big things are happening, it seems. I don’t even have to watch the news, lol, with my empathy.

QuoteThe "sociopath" part I think is better framed as the "warrior" part of self. Its mission seems to be survival and it internalized a "by any means necessary" mentality. It used to be really bad with lying and just getting into trouble but that stopped at age 16 with K awaking.

  Hmm. Complex PTSD can split someone into three or more. Two of them are the good child fawning persona that goes along with anything to avoid conflict, the other is the berserker that stops at nothing to protect boundaries even if the threat is not real. I know them both all too well, complicated with ADHD emotional dysregulation and a touch of oppositional defiance.  My berserker does not lie, shaman ethics go deep but it sure gets a distorted idea of the truth at times.

  Early k-list archives, the Mystress zen whacking stick that knocked so many people out of various types of k psychosis was an empathic berserker effect some have compared to a dakini, wrathful.  Possessed by other folks karma, could end up awake all night writing the reflection to release their stuff from myself. No awareness of time passing... was bad for my back, being nothing but eyes and typing fingers for hours at a time. Fair to say I burnt out on it.

  Psychopaths make the best heart surgeons. Could you cut somebody open and hold their heart in your hand? Plus they are perfectionists and very competitive and image -conscious. Very invested in not screwing it up.

Consensual dominant sadists, good with the zen whacking stick. Jung said it, "no coming to consciousness without pain..."  but endorphins eh? Apply gratitude and enjoy the buzz.

  You have not mentioned CFS before. Chronic Fatigue Syndrome?  Have you ever had a reiki activation?

Hi Fifth

Have you ever had a mold test? My son has ASD, but we recently had a mold test to discover that his levels were off the charts and likely has contributed greatly to neuro-developmental delay. We used to live in an old Victorian home in the UK which had a good amount of mold and it never occurred to me that this could be the catalyst of a lot of other things in myself (medically) as well as my wife, who has a foggy memory at times. I do know that things like Lyme and mold toxicity can really wreak havok on the body and cause things like ASD, CFS and autoimmune disorders and often go undiagnosed by traditional medicine. After I lived in the house, my I developed psoriasis on my scalp and palm which wasn't present before. I am not sure that it is from living in that home, but am now taking bamboo charcoal to bind those mycotoxins out of the system.

I am not a doctor, but did notice that you mention cytokines in one of your posts, so it sounds like you have researched it. :-)

Cheers

I love this:

QuoteGopi wrote: When I am numb, I watch/read disturbing things to see if there is anything in me that flinches (I do NOT recommend this if you are already struggling with mental health issues).

 When someone really gets it, that emotions and karma baggage are just stuff that can be changed by the power of thoughts, and goes from being a victim of karma to a hunter-seeker of karma. Deliberately seeking out what is uncomfortable, to find the triggers and release them to be free to enjoy a better life.

 I did that so much in the 90s. Karma hunter, constantly challenging myself to hunt for triggers and judgements and anywhere I thought Goddess is not. Looking for the love in All that Is. One place I used for my 'dancing in the cremation ground' phase was lurking on the old newsgroups. Challenging myself to find the love in horror stories found on topics like alt.suicide or alt.sex.snuff where rape and homicide is eroticised. Putting myself into uncomfortable social situations. Practicing total honesty and openness in my writing, my metaphorical dancing naked.  Where ego wanted secrets I shared instead.

 Little preschool shaman kid, facing off with the shadow monster that is the Portal Guardian's early form every night, being slaughtered over and over if I showed any trace of fear until I learned to face it with unconditional love. The early training still holds true, like the Litany from Dune. Facing the fear.

 That love and courage of the spiritual warrior is so beautiful to me. When people get to the place of realization that the emotional baggage and limiting beliefs are just stuff, gain power over it instead of being victim, and then take it further and go trigger hunting. Awesome.

 Yet there comes at time, all things must pass... as you said:

QuoteThe hamster wheel of 'continuous self-improvement' can also become an ego trick to escape being in the present

 There comes a place where there are just not so many triggers left to find, and the peace of Divine Presence that has replaced them is its own perfection, self acceptance... and that is enough. Warrior into Sage. No need to hunt. OK to stay home and just deal with what presents in the moment, with acceptance that transforms.



 

I do not think I am a psychopath but I do understand how they are likely adaptive for the species as a whole in some ways. I suspect, maybe it is cPTSD or some subclinical manifestation. As a child, I displayed many traits of a "troubled kid" and I believe now, in retrospect, I was dealing with a ton of empathy back then that I did not recognize as such. My parents were great, but distant and I have an *exceptionally* avoidant attachment style. Walled off, to the max.

The berserker is something I relate to. It comes out at times and feels autonomous from me. I'm generally surprised every time it happens and it does seem in contraposition to the "nice social cohesion/don't rock the boat" side of me. Bottom line: I think we are all complex in our psychology and it would be good for me to adopt a more curious explorer mentality and no judgement. These two sides do seem like mirror images, though.

No Reiki or anything like that - in this lifetime, at least. I used to be into OBE and energy work but it always destabilized me after K awakening so I stopped. 5-htp seems to be helping me now with the fatigue and I feel like a new person when I'm on it. I'm not sure though what the relationship is between neurochemistry and subtle energies, but I'm sure there's a relationship there as they mediate conscious experience.

My energy feels very high right now. Optimistically, I feel better able to deal. Feels like a very narrow walk though. When I go into these high energy states I feel like I look exceptionally young and it's funny how people are surprised by how far along I am in life when I "look like a kid."

I'm convinced also that the singer in the band I'm in is a vampire. He draws so much aggression from people, no one likes him and he seems deeply, deeply buried in depression, negative thinking and mental health issues. I want to help him but I feel like telling someone they may be a psi vamp is anything but socially acceptable, lol. I snacked on him a bit to try and help ease his burden. Came up against a deep, deep, black wall. Solid, impenetrable. There is suction, like a black hole. My vortex on the other hand feels nice, friendly, playful. I think the snacking was beneficial for him, but I think it was more of a Band-Aid rather than an enduring solution. He is very obtuse to spiritual matters so I don't know where his path will lead him.

Actually, I did once get a massage from someone at a chiropractor's office and she was into reiki and did weird energy stuff during messages generally without asking or permission. Kind of a new-agey type. Who knows if she did anything weird.

The healing on the singer worked, he's much better now. I'm always surprised when I snack and then people change. I used to worry they would know it was me. But they don't seem to, their reality just gets better.

 I don't think you are a psychopath, you are far too compassionate for that... just pointing out they do have purpose in the world... Good thing because sociopathic tendencies are found in 4% of the population... 3% male, 1% female.

 The c for complex, in cPTSD is because it is considered a developmental disorder and incurable by western medicine. Excessive stress affects childhood brain development and creates a life-long heightened stress response via the genes that change in childhood in response to the environment.

Goddess only knows how much of my path was, is motivated by a search for peace with cPTSD and ADHD emotional dysregulation co morbid, plus the shaman stuff to deal with.

 Latest is investigating the work of Bruce Lipton, who believes we can change our own DNA, and EFT... emotional freedom technique, tapping on acupuncture points to release trauma. Mixed results with that one so far. I tapped on being burnt out on email since 2007, after a decade of 18 hour days tending k-list.

 It was like, instead of releasing it all migrated to my power chakra to turn it into a smoking black hole I could not clear. I got backup, dreamwalker took it and said it was not mine, it was all anger people had spewed at me.  Nice to open Eudora without a slight feeling of dread.

I am working my way through a basic medical intuitive course online with Carolyn Myss... she is legendary. Did not know she is so Christian.

 Before that, a zoom trauma intensive with Dr Gabor Mate that was disappointing and excruciatingly painful. Felt I was taking on karma from all 300 people in the zoom chat omg, especially when he was giving bad or very dated advice. Nothing new about "Sit with the feelings." Suffer through the trauma all over again. Sure it works but it is cruel healing.

He partnered with some Kundalini yoga woman who was having people do pranayama to trigger stuff and good thing he had a ton of volunteers to help people freaking out. He is of the "break down to break through" school and it is just brutal.

 I was interested because he thinks ADHD is a result of parental neglect. I was always too busy trying to avoid my parents to consider whether I was being neglected.  So what I got out of it is knowing I could do a trauma class, 100ox better but I would need a team of vamps at my back taking the pain away.  

 Kundalini's peaks and valleys can look like bi-polar disorder, and it smooths out as karma is cleared. Then there are people who have a bi-polar disorder and are awakened. Bigger roller coaster. You might find it interesting to take a long look back and track the tides of your orbit. This thread might be a good place to start, moods and dates.

 Someone on k list with a really bad case of bipolar once posted a dream that sort of validated my speculations about it.  In the dream, everyone had a well, but her well did not have a fence around it, so anyone could come take the water and throw trash into it. When the well got so full of trash the water was inaccessible,  the pressure would build up to a big explosion like a geyser that would clear the well and throw the trash all over.   Pretty clear metaphor, empathic overload due to boundary issues. Logjam sorted with dynamite. Mania feels somewhat like  berserker vibe but its usually driven by a wrong idea.

Reiki activations are implants. Ask your DB or vortex to show you, reiki looks like black Chinese characters in front of each chakra to manipulate the energy flow. That is supposed to be up to Goddess,  so reiki implants becomes a blockage in awakened people that sometimes causes CSF symptoms.
Imagine the reiki symbols melting like wax and burning up, one by one then say some words refuting and revoking and and all the spiritual agreements connected with it,  time travelled to the moment before an activation started. Get your DB and vortex to take care of any loose ends.  

QuoteI'm always surprised when I snack and then people change.

 lol yes it works. Miraculously.

The downside of people not knowing, is they may attribute it to some other cause and go astray following a wrong idea.
  The PC term for the work is empathic healer. People are a lot more friendly about empaths than vamps. "Fixed it because I was tired of feeling it in myself every time I see you" is a self centred motive most people will accept, and makes an opening to offer to teach them how.  Explain the vamp part after they have had some success and start to ask why.

  Training vamps to train other vamps always was part of the plan... Goddess' plan. 

Yeah bipolar runs in my family on my father's side. I think for myself only bipolar 2 is possible since I've never really ended up anywhere near needing to get admitted for mania symptoms or psychosis. Definitely an orbit for me, though.

I suppose I am still acclimating to the miraculous. Seeing tremendous change in people's lives after snacking. It was very striking for him; he suddenly starting miraculously meeting people aligned with his dreams and he seems to be better hearing the call of his own soul toward his gifts and love for music. Very amazing to see and leaves me nothing but humbled. It's just good vibes and net benefit all around, because I get fed, people get lighter, feel better. Amazing what we're capable of and how intuitive we are when we're not bogged down. 

On the Bipolar, there is definitely a ton of instability in my family and my own relative balance I can only attribute to grounding.

There seems to be a form of passive healing occurring to people by being in proximity and increased receptivity and trust. "I just feel like I can trust you" is something I have heard a lot over the past few months. I don't think the sense of deep privilege and humility this yields will ever entirely go away, the things people share with me. Yes, I am very detached, calm, peaceful but I do not think that means I do not care haha. I was getting hung up on self-judgment around that.

I think the days of people reacting negatively to my presence are over now. Gratitude.

I think one of my issues is I'm addicted to chaos and I'm not sure what to do about it. It's like an option on the color pallet at my disposal, artistically. I understand how damn foolish it is to want to exist on these sort of fringes, at least in theory. I feel like it expands me, makes me wiser, to challenge myself like this. But, consequences are cruel and indifferent and to think I'm somehow special or protected to explore the way I like to seems, at first glance, narcissistic.

I don't know. It feels like the more I grow as a songwriter the more chaotic I become, just unbounded to convention or trajectory. I suppose I'm just discovering things that were probably in me all along. I think that, ultimately, I do need to stay grounded and centered, have stability. I think being adaptable and unattached to any given direction - flexible - is a strength. But if my "trait openness" is this dang high, I really need to prioritize inoculating myself with stability, grounded commitments like friends and family, etc so I don't float off.

I hold it all together, this wobbly project I'm trying to do chasing essentially two dreams at once. Surrendering.

TheFifth wrote: "I think that, ultimately, I do need to stay grounded and centered, have stability. I think being adaptable and unattached to any given direction - flexible - is a strength. But if my "trait openness" is this dang high, I really need to prioritize inoculating myself with stability, grounded commitments like friends and family, etc so I don't float off. "
I can relate to the challenge of investing into grounded commitments.
When I get too depressed or self-involved, my guide points out that I need to refocus on caring for those who Goddess sends my way and need my care.
Challenging me to give a damn when I don't feel like giving a damn about anything or anyone!
Nailing my feet firmly to the ground in the present when all I want to do is scream and run away somewhere else!
For my work, I have been reading up on the notion of acedia, which I understand as an absence of desire to care.
Here are few quotes that resonated with me.

(1) Acedia is experienced as “…a weariness of the soul, indifference, a listlessness, an inability to concentrate on the task at hand” and “mask itself in fervid but misdirected activity… We can live and work with the same people for years without being fully invested in their lives â€" or our own. Stability requires attentiveness â€" paying attention to those with whom we share common space and time.” Source: Dennis Okholm. 2013. Staying Put to Get Somewhere

(2) "As an absence of care, acedia can seem harmless enough since it is not an observable material offense. However, whenever there is an absence of care in the world, an absence of intentionality, then someone is left lacking â€" an elderly person unattended, a starving person unfed, a woman battered, a child uneducated, a life’s gifting uncelebrated. Therefore, acedia is difficult to notice because it is accounting for an absence.” Source: Andrew. A. Michel. 2013. In Pursuit of Sophia

I seem to keep "leveling up" or reconsolidating awareness at more refined and wiser levels after each of these crises that come up. I cried today for probably the first time in 8 years after hearing a song that reminded me of my deceased father, thinking about all the people in my life aging, how short life is. The most poignant part of the song is the singer is talking about being away from her mother, on tour, knowing her mother is sick with little time left. Can't get that time back.

Probably, a lot unresolved in me still around the sudden loss of my father when I was younger. I became numb, a stranger to feeling for 15 years. Seems to be returning now.

But living my life that way, aware of its fleetingness, makes me feel so alive and I see the people in my life in a different light.

Quote"I seem to keep "leveling up" or reconsolidating awareness at more refined and wiser levels after each of these crises that come up."

Yup that is how it works. Stuff coming up to be released, bumpy until it clears and then you are clearer. We descend,  mining for treasures of self knowledge. Golden insights.

QuoteProbably, a lot unresolved in me still around the sudden loss of my father when I was younger.

  The sort of thing tends to leave some deep scars. Armour finally shedding is a blessing.

QuoteBut living my life that way, aware of its fleetingness, makes me feel so alive and I see the people in my life in a different light.

  That is why Tibetan prayer beads are skull shaped.

  Self awareness, is awareness of our own mortality that most animals do not have. With it, comes awareness of oneself. A dog cannot recognise itself in the mirror, yet dogs try to bury dead puppies. Rats eat their young if they get too hungry.

  Dolphins and elephants can recognise themselves. Cetaceans commit suicide, beaching themselves. Elephants revere and mourn their dead.

  People respond so differently. Bowie believed he would die young, and his life was frenetic creativity.

  I met a kid in secondlife one day, he had had a terminal disease, ankylosing spondylitis and he was a dick. Bitter, entitled little creep. Sad he was wasting what little time he had, but he felt entitled to be angry at the world. 

  I've got longevity genes, life moves at a different pace for me. Still menopausal at 57, was a late bloomer too like everything happens over a longer time scale.  A shaman, living with one foot in the underworld... ascended, knowing death will be a different sort of transition and I will keep on doing what I have been doing, just without email. :)

Looking into eternity, wondering what dead ascended masters do when they get bored... I think, Goddess is grooming me to become the soul of a new planet that humans will colonize. Avatar as apprenticeship. So much to look forward to. 

  I enjoy bead work at times. I buy mala beads made of yak bone on ebay, carbed by Tibetans who fled to  India. They are beautiful.

https://www.ebay.ca/itm/193235857465?hash=item2cfdc13039:g:n6EAAOSwPqlfJXbM (https://www.ebay.ca/itm/193235857465?hash=item2cfdc13039:g:n6EAAOSwPqlfJXbM)

This fills me with a sense of hope that there's a future for us, humans. It feels like there has to be, something. So much happening right now. It's an amazing time to be alive.

Anyway, hanging out in a nice lighter place lately. It almost feels like everything in my life now is handled intuitively.

Waters have become a bit chaotic again and the only common denominator I see is a new intimate relationship. She seems to find my energy extremely enticing and there is spark there, I feel it too.

But I feel like it’s a mixed bag, connections like this, and I find myself once more swimming in what feels like an endless sea of empathic impressions and sensations, and just life becoming stormier than I’m accustomed to.

I do not know. I find her a blessing in my life, a source of tremendous support and companionship. I suppose there is likely always going to be that trade-off between peaceful solitude and human connections that are all loud in their own way, at least to someone like me.

I suppose, just venting and surrendering this, whatever it is. Goddess, please restore my peace.

I return after a hiatus of sorts, hoping to gain insight, clarity and release. I have this overwhelming sense that I do not have much longer here, on this earth, and my health stuff is all coming to a head. I have, to some extent, always felt this way, a healthy dose of hypochondriac catastrophizing.

“I’m resisting my sensitivities,” is the answer I get. That familiar bombardment of impressions, scents, sights, and sounds.

I recently came across the notion of “hyper brain, hyper body” which resonated and basically found autoimmunity and metabolic disorder to be a drawback of high cognitive ability. Hyperactive mind, hyperactive, or reactive, body. So much that I see, think, feel.

I get pulled back to the question, whether this stuff is even metaphysical? Maybe I just can’t relax, on some level. I obsess, I hyper focus on singular pursuits; some constant effort to earn my keep, or to realize dreams beyond breakfast, work, and sleep. I lose myself, utterly, in the creative obsessions. Too much of a good thing, perhaps…

It feels good to check on from time to time, to connect with this inner daemon, this deeply wise and insightful part of me that emerges seemingly exclusively through the writing process. But it knows what to do, what I need, and what the imperatives are. Peace, quiet, solitude…

TheFifth wrote: I have this overwhelming sense that I do not have much longer here, on this earth, and my health stuff is all coming to a head.
You are not the same group of cells that you were as an embryo. Your sense of self is not the same either. We are all dying and birthing with every breath. When the work is done, ego completes its purpose and wants to die. Embrace it. A healthy dose of ego death can be helpful to sort your priorities. Transitions bring up stuff in various forms (bodily health issues, dreams, cravings, etc) so that we can examine, learn, and let go. Take your fears, resistance, regrets, desires, and plans for future and leave it all at Her feet - Thy will be done!

I do not use the term hypersensitive even though it is useful to describe practical stuff. I believe that we all have different levels of sensitivity. Hyper or hypo is relative. You are as She intended to be. It is the sensitive ones that are aware of pain and hope in subtle manner. Sensitive people live and experience life intensely and that in itself is the purpose - no other grand purpose. For some people, it is just another sunrise. For sensitive people, the same sunrise can invoke the grandeur of our entire solar system and represent the dawn of new hope. There is no point in trying to convince others that the sunrise is extra-ordinary or judge our own sensitivity as out of proportion.

TheFifth wrote: I get pulled back to the question, whether this stuff is even metaphysical?
It can be helpful to gain insight about our own experiences. But trying to make sense of your existence through rational understanding of the mind has limits. Ego is designed to handle limited things and wants to control what it does not understand.
Give the questions to Her and ask for insights: what can you know by yourself that She cannot teach?
Sometimes we do not get answers because we are busy looking for answers. The search itself is the last barrier that must be dropped.
She is the womb of all creation. She is All. Ask Her.
She will show you what you need to know for the next step in Her service.

Wishing you a lovely summer.

Namaste!
Gopi

Thank you, Gopi, it’s always a pleasure reading your insights that you do generously share here.

I have to large extent emerged from the tomb, having discovered that my problem was low stomach acid and taking  a PPI which was exacerbating the issue. There has been, however, psycho spiritual growth in the sense that I have realized deeply the relationship between love and fear, but even deeper than that, the nature of my own cowardice, as it manifests in various facets of my life. Cowardice and love are mutually exclusive, at least on my universe at this time. And I realize, courage is the only choice I have, if I am to not live a lie. I suspect these are insights occurring in duality space, but these are deep issues I seemed to acquire from my parents, from a lack of supervision, consequences, accountability.

The other side of the coin though, which seems largely outside of my control, is poor impulse control. I have, to large extent, really become better at maintaining decorum, but every so often the cracks show. I have come to understand over the past year that I am highly creative, which requires this sort of spontaneity and divergence, loose associations. But these are largely things which, say, corporate entities pay lip service to, but actually find anathema in their employees.

So, I seek workarounds. Standing desks, ear buds, steps retraced, accumulated and contained within a four-walled room.

I don’t feel so lost anymore, though, with my health seeming restored. Optimism is a pleasant season…

Things seem to be getting active again, something going on involving owls. I have one that has been looking over me in a tree outside my apartment, a beautiful great horned owl who’ll peer in at me in the most uncanny manner from time to time. I fell asleep the other night and became immersed in a circle of swirling dervishes, which morphed into a a really tall, stretched out owl, like rubber or Gumby. “The professor is in,” I thought over the following days. Maybe it’s just a reflection of some aspect of my being. It seems there are big things at work at this time, big changes and transitions.

Much of my “identity” lately has been swept up in creative endeavors, but I find the identities themselves are very fickle and fleeting. I may get swept  up in a mode for a few days, a week, or even a month, but once I pivot into a different mode the one previous might as well be dead. Because, all in all, it seems I have little left to cling to.

Anyway, seems there’s a new phase of deepening occurring. As always, I feel at once both on the edge of brilliance and catastrophe. But I find now that even my strongest self-sabotaging aspects are failing in their attempts, that it seems I can find peace and solace that whatever comes over the coming months, it is what is.

There are things in life I do not understand, like how we feel called to certain things yet the path unfolds in twists and turns we could not expect or anticipate. I recently applied for an arts grant in a long shot attempt to fund what I’m trying to do in the realm of music, which was denied as I pretty much expected; yet it was right after applying for it that the gates of heaven opened and the strongest creative ideas and inspiration came through, what will likely be the best work I produce in the immediate future.

At first I thought, maybe I was being rewarded for the effort, for dreaming, for trying. But I come to realize that perhaps it is not about a reason, an answer, but simply finding wisdom, which, in this case, is probably to take bliss in the thing, the brilliance of the ideas, the gifts given regardless of whether it  finds its way into the world. Maybe gratitude is itself the wisdom.

I can understand and appreciate poignance, the brilliance that hides in plain sight all around us. I recall Ram Dass responding to someone in a similar situation, “you’ll finish it someday.” But I have to make peace with process, the intrinsically unpredictable nature of life, the uncertainty-but-rising-every-morning and doing what is to be done. I think in this case, patience is space, and space is wisdom…

Much of my “identity” lately has been swept up in creative endeavors, but I find the identities themselves are very fickle and fleeting. I may get swept  up in a mode for a few days, a week, or even a month, but once I pivot into a different mode the one previous might as well be dead. Because, all in all, it seems I have little left to cling to.

  I am so accustomed to this, I usually attribute to ADHD orbit but it is also the flow of the vajra. The output of the alchemy is raw creative energy seeking form and it is more invested in the doing than the completion.
 
  Whenever you attach to something, you do create an identity for that purpose... and when the identity drops.... interest is gone too.  The space between, the nothingness identity means freedom to become whatever the Muse requires. Blank slate for the creative expressions to be pure.
 
  You can look at my websites alone, to see so many unfinished projects. Imagine how many more are at home or on my computer, unseen?
 
  You cannot let them wear on your mind. The only ones that guilt me are ones involving committments to others, like the broken state of this forum and FST2020. Mostly the forum. My delay in responding to you, I started this post the day after but it led me introspective, not sure of my words.
 
    Unfinished projects in secondlife? lol it is made for that.  A creative outlet that does not take up space in my house.  Where unfinished projects are just a folder in my avatar's inventory or scattered in the sky.  Out of sight, out of mind.
   
   Completing them does not matter, what mattered was the alchemy of releasing karma into art and the fuel of vajra inspiring something new. Goddess set me on learning all the tech including scripting for machinima, and I have never done any machinima. Yet.

Barbara Sher (RIP )    wrote a book about people she called Scanners, who are not made to have just one interest, one career.  She devoted her life to help people find their destiny basically by examining their talents and interests.  She gives lots of case studies and quotes from people she has helped and when it comes down to it, their biggest issue was the expectations of those around them.
 
 yet it was right after applying for it that the gates of heaven opened and the strongest creative ideas and inspiration came through, what will likely be the best work I produce in the immediate future.

   I still do not know the words for the momentum of creativity that is the alchemy cycle with the Vajra energy.  The vortex handles most of what is incoming but the sticky that people don't want to let go, that lands like lint regardless is best transmuted by any creative activity except cooking. The vajra energy that comes as a result of the alchemy may go in a different direction. from the activity that inspired it. 
   
   You were set up, to see something about the flow of life, I find hard to put into words. One door closes, another opens might be the best summary.  The letting go and the return on investment can turn on a dime to an unexpected direction and it is all part of the flow. 

I bought a boat, very little about it has gone as planned, but it has taken me some interesting turns.
I bought it with intention to convert it to electric. Was going to cost about $8k.  Then one day I thought to add up the gas to go to the marina and it was way more than the rarely driven boat was ever going to use. I decided to spend the money on a car instead and found Evie, 2012 mitsubishi MiEV for 8k and it has been great!   
   People think you cannot get an electric car for less than $30k but Goddess provides.

  As we were saying goodnight, hub asked about a bus I was really interested in buying a few days ago, that he liked so much he offered to kick in $5k.  I told him "I have realized it is an escapist fantasy."
  I have been shopping for a bus since dec. because I miss teaching live, I am very motivated to teach the new ptsd stuff. I think a mobile classroom would be very cool, film it for youtube,  and also dog friendly.  Found exactly what I have been looking for, a Krystal Coach Mini-limo bus in shiny condition with the 7.3 diesel engine, < 30' long.... at about double what I want to pay. The bus was perfect like "Goddess provides" hit every item on my wish list except cost.
  Wanna see?  https://www.facebook.com/marketplace/item/783350629622292/

  The price was like the universe asking, 'How much do you really want it?'
 
   I recall Ram Dass responding to someone in a similar situation, “you’ll finish it someday.”
   
    Nope. Those attachments can build up.
   
    Better to assume you won't, or unfinished projects pile up, become like an albatross weighing you down. Give yourself permission to abandon projects, or release them incompleted because nobody else can see the art in your mind and they won't know most of the time.
   
    Chuck Jones, creator of  Bugs Bunny said "An artists work is never completed, only abandoned." Love that.
   
    FST itself, has never been completed. I started with a business partner who insisted it open anyway, ROI.  It is possible that it never would have opened it if not for him insisting we going ahead anyway. ADHD perfectionism especially when an error means karma landing on me for the result of bad advice.
   
    I used to abandon paintings when they stopped looking like the image in my head, before realizing the art has its own mind about what it wants to become.
   
     No idea if any of that was helpful. Great to hear from you, please do keep us updated.

No this is very helpful. I get lost in the identities that grow out of the creative processes I dive into and a major sticking point for me has been the attachment to the work. It is this that I must let go of, and while I understand this, it is not easy to do. Sometimes I wonder about counterfactual outcomes of my life, like what if I ended up accomplishing or pursuing one thing instead of another, what would look different? I feel I’m a bit of a wanderer but in retrospect I see the bumpers set up that have created a general direction.

I do feel on some level my calling is the service, the healing and counseling work, and the art is for me, the love of the process. I do feel on some level that when I try to grasp to this, it almost ceases to be art anymore, or, at the very least, the essence of it is somehow diminished. But the idea of wanting to be a “songwriter” is certainly ego, because my sense is that identifying with this reliably sends me into tangent realities and narratives. It’s more so something that I do when compelled, and does seem to have a cleansing and balancing effect. It’s probably similar to ego trappings around growing attached to any other title or identity…

Sometimes I wonder about counterfactual outcomes of my life, like what if I ended up accomplishing or pursuing one thing instead of another, what would look different?

  I do that all the time. I think it is partly empathy. Constantly playing 'what if' and living other lives in my imagination. Trying them on for size, like a coat, for five minutes then surrender it all, and appreciate the life I am living.

I watch someone doing a hobby, or promoting a career, or some documentary, like coral diving and I am imagining what it would be like, to be a coral diver. I see a lovely home and imagine living there. I think it is very common, the art is intended to invoke empathy and imagination, painting yourself into the picture.

  Then, erasing again, surrender, here and now is what matters.

  When I see someone who became successful quite young, and wonder what if I had pursued a singing career, started a band, or gotten seriously into modeling instead of deciding to party through my 20s to make up for having to grow up too fast?
Where would I be now?

  Yet, intuition had told me I would be late bloomer, that my most valuable gifts would take decades to fully flower.  The news disappointed me at first, until I finally understood my superpower lol would be wisdom.

  The multidimensional theory of reality is that all of us are living an infinite number of lives in an infinite number of universes. So, some where, there are versions of me that did that...

  The reality of this dimension is, I was extremely vulnerable in my 20s.  I would get knocked out of my body by any kind of aggression and lose my ability to defend myself or say no.  So I am pretty sure the mainstream entertainment business would have chewed me up and spit me out, I would be dead of overdose or something.

  Though, in a universe of infinite possibilities, there is a me somewhere that made it and topped the charts.

  I read a promo for a course once, that used the multidimensional idea to add abilities to oneself.  Find the alternate dimension you, that wrote the bestselling novel and find out how they did it, clone the ability and knowledge for yourself. Write a bestselling novel.

  Shamans do it instinctively anyway but we source from the collective.

I do feel on some level my calling is the service, the healing and counseling work, and the art is for me, the love of the process. I do feel on some level that when I try to grasp to this, it almost ceases to be art anymore, or, at the very least, the essence of it is somehow diminished.

  It is similar for me, Shaman imperative rules my days. Even so there is some need to compartmentalize. I love art, but it is most often work related like web design or emotional release.

Games that are a little creative and just challenging enough to occupy most of my attention, are often enough to reset emotions and focus of my ADHD brain. Making patterns playing tetris, instead of just fitting blocks together.

  Like yesterday, someone disrespected my boundaries by sending me a lengthy email full of complete bullshit. Empathy and distress made me nauseous and my womb started aching.  ACK again just thinking about it. Wrote a quite hostile response, did not send it.

  One of the vamps helped peel it off me and I played an hour or two of a very silly but somewhat creative game called "One hour one life."  I farmed, I made shoes, I made needles and thread. I bonked a lot of seals, made more than enough sealskin fur coats for everybody in the town to increase fertility, and hunted and brought home eight turkeys. Saved a baby. Became leader and advised the town to grow some crops, cook pie and hunt rabbits. Died of old age.

  The game is never longer than an hour so I don't get caught up in it for hours or days like with some games.

Dornish Princess is funny, she plays OHOL drunk. She got attacked by a boar, and while she was dying she said "He gutted me like Robert Baratheon" (Game of Thrones reference ) and I am still laughing.
She also edits the hour down to essential moments, if you want a glimpse of the game.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cWF3kEZ5fFE (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cWF3kEZ5fFE)

  Saw the email again this morning, got pissed, yet again at the disrespect and the bullshit contents. Not respecting my boundaries by asking email support for FST instead of posting to tearoom is aaarrrrgh! (nothing to do with you)

Played another hour... had two daughters, named them Diana and Sean, plus adopted one born to a potato, (afk mom) I named Jamie because could not tell gender. Made some clothes for them, gathered soil, planted trees, hunted turkeys, taught a new player how to make an arrow, shoot and pluck the birds. Told him he can inherit all my stuff (cart, clothes, knife.) Died of old age (60 minutes is 60 years) on the way home. Last thing dude said was a promise to take my bones home and bury me. Dropped dead before I could tell him not to bother.

Closed the game, feeling amused and better focused from the dopamine bonus of false accomplishment, deliberately generated to use for real accomplishment.

  Managing ADHD by select activities that alter brain chemistry...

  If I had clicked 'Get Reborn' I probably would have been born into the same town to resume my work but that is not why I play so, 'Quit' closed the game.

  These little hour long lives are like the creative identities. Maybe that is why they work so well as a brain break.  What I will be doing in a life depends on what race, gender and town I am born into, on my genetic fitness stats and who mom is, and how many players are on the server... and what I want.

  An hour later, or less, that identity dies and what is left unfinished will probably remain unfinished unless another player picks it up.  Nothing but a name in the family tree stats and what ever I managed to contribute.

I got one step father along installing the new and excessively complex membership management system for FST, and sent support requests in two different directions, can't make the next move till I hear back from the one that does not work weekends so... check tearoom... :)

Dopamine of actual accomplishment, redirected to core work, tending to the peeps. You. :)

  (So, you can see why having FST emotional/mental support work dumped into my email box feels as invasive as someone getting into the shower with me, uninvited. Enjoy the snacks! )

  Stranger still, when you get the feeling you are Goddess' answer to someone's prayer, that they were led to you. I find that does not usually come through the regular flow of work so much as the random kindnesses with strangers met by chance, through some unrelated activity.  Becoming what they need you to be for them, as Goddess wills, but in a very transient and focused way.

  The synchronicities can be fascinating. Jung never did figure out synchronicity because he came from an age of paper book publishing, he felt everybody gets a copy of the collective consciousness.
  Campbell came a lot closer to saying what I believe... we are all plugged into the cloud. The planetary consciousness IS the collective and we are all soaking in it, and soaking it in.

  It gets easier, the transient identities.

Contemplate being, nothing at all... is quite blissful.







 

   

Somewhat unrelated development but it would appear I have solved a pretty big portion of my chronic stress and anxiety/avoidant tendencies, which appears to be rooted in gut health. Changing my diet and consuming a daily portion or two of kimchi has gone a long way. There is a greater sense of ease, and my field of awareness is now clearer. My brain has always felt angry/inflamed and it always mystified me as to why my body is so reactive to seemingly innocuous environmental stimuli. This seems a pretty crucial piece of the puzzle and lower down on my Maslow's hierarchy, pre-requisite in many regards for focusing on higher levels of psycho-emotional-spiritual development. Will see where this leads...

Yes.

You have been under chronic stress for so long, your internal ecosystem was trashed and you did not have the brain hormones for peace and stability.

My blog post on probiotic retention enemas started as part of a response to your feelings of doom July post,  that got lost when chrome crashed.

I realized it was actually, good advice for everybody and re-wrote it for my blog instead. Figured you would see it there.

Glad its working out!

  Sorry I never did reconstruct the rest of the other post.  Gut health advice was the most important part.

  I have noticed though that unsent messages get sent anyway, via Goddess messenger service.

For a time on k list I experimented with responding to emails via telepathy only. Was interesting to see who would get the message and write it out! 

In July you wrote: I get pulled back to the question, whether this stuff is even metaphysical? Maybe I just can’t relax, on some level.

Yeah there's a lot coming together and culminating right now, positive things. The mystery of why my body is so dang stressed all the time was solved by this, it would appear. Healing is a journey though and much of the source of the problem for me seems to be modified foods, etc. It does seem to be a component of the general sensitivity, which I would assume that I and most everyone else who reacts to our food and environment in this way are canaries in the coal mine and an indication of deeper things, disruptions to the ecosystem - food, water, air - we all live in and depend on.

Spiritual growth seems to spring from the balance though, realizing I have grown over the past few years much more than I realized in my constantly frazzled state.

I am getting somewhat of a sense of what was being caused by the inflammation and what's probably not going to change. I do seem to have the ADD in ways I didn't entirely understand or accept before, kind of was hesitant to accept this because I thought I was simply unorganized and, well, it feels like it's become fashionable, like someone saying they have a gluten allergy when they have absolutely no idea what it is like to live with such a thing. It has been pointed out to me though that I do indeed have this though, and so much has been stacked against me in my life around this, or at least in certain, more traditional paths and possibilities.

It is a strange thing to realize you have something that is an utter vulnerability that no one sees or understands for what it is, but nonetheless will judge you for and will hold you to the same standards as everyone else, in the conventional sense. I do believe I am gifted in other ways that I still do not entirely understand, but I am being patient and trusting. I am realizing more and more that I am highly creative which I do believe is one of the gifts of ADD; I am highly emotionally intelligent both intra and inter. Now that I am establishing greater balance, so much of it now seems to be remaining grounded though, and just following guidance and what plays out.