The Tea Room

Excuse me for babbling without much structure. I have increased the number of kegels (sat kriyas), so I suppose I just need it. My therapist recently told me I am very happy deep inside; it%rsquos just that I am somehow not up to date with that at the superficial level (ego?) at which I spend most of my time. However, since I started practicing kegels on a daily basis, I have felt slightly depressed, emotionally %ldquostiff%rdquo, frustrated and uncomfortable and sometimes even anxious and from time to time I also have other feelings coming up, such as anger and fear. I know %ndash this is optional; I could have stayed with the grounding exercise and I would have felt fine or really fine most of the time. But I really want to get rid of this stuff that is somehow stuck in my body, physically, so I suppose I have to endure some suffering, although this is actually very much in contradiction with my nature.

A few years ago a swami told us participating in a course that the time he spent with his guru in the ashram was really calm. He did not have so many spiritual experiences. Instead something else happened. It was as if the whole ashram changed to match his upcoming issues. When he, affected by upcoming stuff, took a certain attitude, all the people at the ashram started to behave the same way, as if to mirror him. Now, I am not at an ashram, but I still experience something similar. It is as if the whole world is changing to give me specific lessons. For instance, this last week has been a rather frustrating lesson on frustration. It just seams as everything has turned against me! (Yesterday I traveled to my summer residence in another part of the country just to participate in a birthday party, which was of course cancelled. Had I phoned before, I would have known about it and stayed at home.) What can I do? Maybe I should just laugh at it %ndash and sometimes I do. I just hope this will soon be over!

Last night something happened that offered some unexpected comfort from all the suffering. I have an 11 years old daughter. Somehow there has always been a kind of affection and connection between us that goes beyond what I believe is normal. She is a really nice girl and kind to everyone. She is also interested in yoga. When we visited an exhibition of alternative medicine last summer, some of the therapist said they where really impressed by the energies of her aura. To me she feels like someone with whom I might have been living several lives before. Once a therapist told me that there was an extremely high level of energy in all my chakras (this was right before my break-down in 2003), that she had never seen anything like it and that I most certainly had been a yogi in a former life. If that is true, which I believe, I am convinced that my daughter was close to me in that life too. I wouldn%rsquot be surprised if she was my guru then. (The therapist also told me that I had to %ldquoopen up%rdquo to the energy, which was a rather frustrating advise; how the h%hellip do you do such a ting? :) )

However, last night I felt uncomfortable when I went to bed, because I had eaten something that I should not have. Then suddenly, my daughter was there. She was sitting behind me, her knee slightly touching my head. Physically that would be inside of the wall behind the bed, but that did not bother her. She was smiling with pleasant surprise and communicated the feeling of %ldquoWow! Can you really do this?%rdquo In the same way I communicated back: %ldquoOf course you can! No problems!%rdquo She stayed there for a while, maybe a quarter of an hour, as if she wanted to spend some time with me, and then I noticed that she was gone. Her visit felt really nice and comforting, as if getting unexpected support from where you least expected it. I have always felt kind of lonely. I have problems getting in touch with my divine beloved. I don%rsquot experience my heart voice as something outside of me. No spiritual guides seem to turn up. At the exhibition last summer the woman who claimed she was able to get in touch with the spiritual guides of everyone had to give me my money back because she could not get in touch with mine. So, having this connection with my daughter feels fine. I believe it was an astral visit and not her higher self. I think it was almost an hour past her bed time, but I know she is often reading for a while before falling asleep.

Now I got to think of what Mystress wrote somewhere about that we choose our parents. I believe my daughter chose me because of my interest in yoga, and maybe also because we have been living other lives together before. Now I wonder why I choose mine. As far as I am aware, they had no interest in spirituality. They were poor and working really hard, although the material conditions did not matter so much to me as you might believe, as we were living in a small village far from the big town, where all people were kind of equal and everybody%rsquos conditions were rather similar. My folks were exceptionally nice and decent people with the best of intentions towards everybody. They were always honest; never lying or cheating or trying to harm anybody. Actually, compared to in principle everybody I have ever met in my whole life, they appear as saints (as do my daughter). This has actually caused some problems in my life, as I was never prepared for the lack of good intent and all the suspicion, distrust, envy, jealousy, evil intent, lying, cheating, slander, corruption, abuse of power, bullying and back-stabbing that I have been exposed to later. Somewhere there is a lesson in this, I suppose. So, please Goddess take all that! It is all yours. Thank you very much!

Hello Vyana
It seems to me that you are receiving guidance from your Higher Self without realizing it! The Higher Self povides guidance in so many different ways but never in dreams like the Divine Beloved or in words like the Heart Voice.  Guidance is given in the form of beautiful ideas, sentences sometimes that you would never have been capable of having in your normal ego state. The Higher Self thinks in areas such as planetary issues that you would not consider yourself normally. The Higher Self is also responsible for those strange types of synchronous events you describe like sensing the presence of your daughter, also helping you to find books, articles etc that will assist your spiritual journey. The Higher Self also has control of all your body functions and can provide you additional mental capabilities. When I am contacted by my Higher Self it is always very early in the morning about 04:30 when I would rather be sleeping.  I am not very good at vizualizng things so the Higher Self shows its presence by a brief flash of light above the bed.  This is the signal to ground myself using Mystresses grounding procedure.  In this grounded state, I can then hear the advice of the Higher Self. I am married and my wife is not yet interested in the spiritual journey, sometimes she is snoring at this early hour because she is lying on her back.  In the grounded state, I can mentally ask her to roll over and stop snoring and it always works and she responds with a sort of half spoken word. We have been married for 25 years and unfortunately all mental control over her immediately disappears as soon as she is awake!  She is German and likes to boss me around! So miracles do happen when you are in contact with the Higher self which I think you are.  If you are in contact with your Higher Self it is only a matter of time before you hear your Heart Voice.  Be patient it is worth the wait. My Heart Voice always contacts me through a burst of intense light in the heart followed by the verbal instructions which can be quite difficult to understand. Take a piece of paper and pen to bed each night in case you are connected by the Heart Voice. You can also ask your Higher Self to explain a message from the Heart Voice, which in my case is provided in a non-verbal form as described above. Even when  supported by the combined efforts of the Divine Beloved , the Higher Self, the Heart Voice and of course, Mystress, there are still many hard and messy Ego problems  to meet on our journey.  My last Heart Voice message was that we on this course are all sharing the same spiritual journey at the Heart level.  So you are not alone!
Randall

: Excuse me for babbling without much structure. I have increased the number of kegels (sat kriyas), so I suppose I just need it. My therapist recently told me I am very happy deep inside; it%rsquos just that I am somehow not up to date with that at the superficial level (ego?) at which I spend most of my time. However, since I started practicing kegels on a daily basis, I have felt slightly depressed, emotionally %ldquostiff%rdquo, frustrated and uncomfortable and sometimes even anxious and from time to time I also have other feelings coming up, such as anger and fear. I know %ndash this is optional; I could have stayed with the grounding exercise and I would have felt fine or really fine most of the time. But I really want to get rid of this stuff that is somehow stuck in my body, physically, so I suppose I have to endure some suffering, although this is actually very much in contradiction with my nature.

: A few years ago a swami told us participating in a course that the time he spent with his guru in the ashram was really calm. He did not have so many spiritual experiences. Instead something else happened. It was as if the whole ashram changed to match his upcoming issues. When he, affected by upcoming stuff, took a certain attitude, all the people at the ashram started to behave the same way, as if to mirror him. Now, I am not at an ashram, but I still experience something similar. It is as if the whole world is changing to give me specific lessons. For instance, this last week has been a rather frustrating lesson on frustration. It just seams as everything has turned against me! (Yesterday I traveled to my summer residence in another part of the country just to participate in a birthday party, which was of course cancelled. Had I phoned before, I would have known about it and stayed at home.) What can I do? Maybe I should just laugh at it %ndash and sometimes I do. I just hope this will soon be over!

: Last night something happened that offered some unexpected comfort from all the suffering. I have an 11 years old daughter. Somehow there has always been a kind of affection and connection between us that goes beyond what I believe is normal. She is a really nice girl and kind to everyone. She is also interested in yoga. When we visited an exhibition of alternative medicine last summer, some of the therapist said they where really impressed by the energies of her aura. To me she feels like someone with whom I might have been living several lives before. Once a therapist told me that there was an extremely high level of energy in all my chakras (this was right before my break-down in 2003), that she had never seen anything like it and that I most certainly had been a yogi in a former life. If that is true, which I believe, I am convinced that my daughter was close to me in that life too. I wouldn%rsquot be surprised if she was my guru then. (The therapist also told me that I had to %ldquoopen up%rdquo to the energy, which was a rather frustrating advise; how the h%hellip do you do such a ting? :) )

: However, last night I felt uncomfortable when I went to bed, because I had eaten something that I should not have. Then suddenly, my daughter was there. She was sitting behind me, her knee slightly touching my head. Physically that would be inside of the wall behind the bed, but that did not bother her. She was smiling with pleasant surprise and communicated the feeling of %ldquoWow! Can you really do this?%rdquo In the same way I communicated back: %ldquoOf course you can! No problems!%rdquo She stayed there for a while, maybe a quarter of an hour, as if she wanted to spend some time with me, and then I noticed that she was gone. Her visit felt really nice and comforting, as if getting unexpected support from where you least expected it. I have always felt kind of lonely. I have problems getting in touch with my divine beloved. I don%rsquot experience my heart voice as something outside of me. No spiritual guides seem to turn up. At the exhibition last summer the woman who claimed she was able to get in touch with the spiritual guides of everyone had to give me my money back because she could not get in touch with mine. So, having this connection with my daughter feels fine. I believe it was an astral visit and not her higher self. I think it was almost an hour past her bed time, but I know she is often reading for a while before falling asleep.

: Now I got to think of what Mystress wrote somewhere about that we choose our parents. I believe my daughter chose me because of my interest in yoga, and maybe also because we have been living other lives together before. Now I wonder why I choose mine. As far as I am aware, they had no interest in spirituality. They were poor and working really hard, although the material conditions did not matter so much to me as you might believe, as we were living in a small village far from the big town, where all people were kind of equal and everybody%rsquos conditions were rather similar. My folks were exceptionally nice and decent people with the best of intentions towards everybody. They were always honest; never lying or cheating or trying to harm anybody. Actually, compared to in principle everybody I have ever met in my whole life, they appear as saints (as do my daughter). This has actually caused some problems in my life, as I was never prepared for the lack of good intent and all the suspicion, distrust, envy, jealousy, evil intent, lying, cheating, slander, corruption, abuse of power, bullying and back-stabbing that I have been exposed to later. Somewhere there is a lesson in this, I suppose. So, please Goddess take all that! It is all yours. Thank you very much!

Thank you! I don%rsquot think that I am not in touch with my higher self or with my heart voice. The latter speaks really clear in feelings. And when I asked Mystress at a workshop last summer why I didn%rsquot hear it in words, she said I did, but that I did not experience it as separated from the rest of me (so that I could not distinguish it from other thoughts). It might also be that as I seldom think in words myself (my thoughts are of a more complex nature) I get the answers in thoughts and feelings instead. My heart voice speaks really strong and clear in feelings when I am finding out some spiritual truth or detecting something else that is important for my spiritual growth. It so to say says %ldquoYES!%rdquo with my whole body. When it comes to other dimensions of my life, it just doesn%rsquot seem to be so interested. It is as if those did not matter much. I suppose my higher self is also active, guiding my as you suggest. However, I would like to have a chat with it. There are decisions I need to make, and I would need some good advice. I have been in touch with others higher self%rsquos, so I think it would work. When it comes to my divine beloved, I have almost given in for now. I have been in touch with her now and then, I think, but most often she has been remote and unsharp.

Last night I ask my higher self, my heart and my divine beloved to join to give me some clues on how to deal with the rough experiences of my life. Somewhere in the state between sleep and awake I got the information that these where created by my expectations. I was also shown where these expectations where situated in my body; on both sides of my torso, as far away from the center as possible, and also on the outer sides of my legs.

I suppose I will have to look for some yogic exercise or therapy working on stuff so far away from the centre.

And of course: Please Goddess take all those dark areas and fill them with light. They are all yours. Thank you very much!