I am new around here but wanted to share some of my experiences
and what is going on with me that brought me this way. I'm 38,
married with two boys. My wife is giving birth to our third
in about two weeks. I'm a redneck american living in
Moscow, Russia. I am twice initiated as a wiccan, three
times as a mason and have worked with a western mystery
school focused on tarot and kaballah for a long time.
These are all things that my ego says count.
My journey got a little more complicated I guess about
four years ago when I worked on a series of planetary magic
rituals. These more or less burned me and left me not
knowing the difference between good and evil. Today I can
see the value of that because I can normally find the root
good of evil now. When I did the rituals I wasn't ready
for this and pretty much burned out for a couple of years.
I started waking back up around 18 months ago I began meditating
using tarot and kabalah and around a year ago began yoga. Around
this time last year I took a business trip to London and
had a mystical experience on the flight over. In some ways
this seems to have been an initiation of the heart chakra.
The long and short of it was that I had an insight that the
chemistry of my brain was one of the primary barriers to
mystical union. This doesn't just apply to alcohol or drugs
but rather to my tendency to allow my urges to influence me.
This might be called the monkey mind but for me it is more
pervasive and applies to all of the "normal" world. Fashion
statements stimulate me and therefore distract me. Music is
great and entertains my "not self". Food and restaurants and
eating compensate for my defecit mentality. The key tool I
got from this experience was that I could know myself by
stilling my mind. I only read this about a thousand times
in books but when I read it in my journal it finally clicked.
Stilling my mind can put me outside my ego self. this was the
beginning of the end of my ego's first class status. My ego
doesn't like that.
I started thinking I might be getting ready for tantra when I started
noticing that women just didn't hold the same attractions that
they used to. This was because I began to see them more from
my self and less from my ego. That is I have begun to see women
more as people and less as women. My ego sees pretty women and
my monkey mind reacts. But my self sees people without gender or
age or race or religion (I took that phrase from the Equal
Employment Opportunity template). I'm not always seeing with
my self though.
This hits pretty close to home for me because it affects my
relationship with my wife. I love her very dearly. This issue is
that my love without ego doesn't always equal erection. My wife
expects sex from me and in fact I like sex. But I used to get
there via the instrument of my ego. Now my ego is only a little
part of my love. I know you might make jokes about that line but I
put it in anyway. It kinda gets to the point though.
My ego is still quite active. Last week I went to yoga and ended
up "sweating" some anger. This lead to a difficult day at work.
At the end of the day I called up a whorehouse and rented a girl
and a sauna. The sauna comes with a pool, a couch and a bed. My
wife is in the states and I needed the hugs. I didn't really want
to have sex though. About a half hour after she put the condom on
me she realized that I wasn't going to fuck her. I just wanted
to be with somebody, just to hug and kiss and caress. She was
confused but okay with it. I told her I loved her. After the
sauna we went to another apartment and were joined by another girl.
We spent two hours rolling around on the bed and sucking each
others stomachs. A good time was had by all. I did finally get
off between their thighs. They said it wasn't cheating on my wife
because I didn't stick it in. I don't know if my ego won this
round. I really don't know.
I've only been around here for a few weeks and have started on the
first few lessons. It seems that working with ego as the box and
the idea that thinking is the box and the idea that being
outside the box is the answer that resonates with me.
Best Regards
Rayman+
: My wife is giving birth to our third in about two weeks. I'm a redneck american living in
Moscow, Russia.
Wow! Many congrats!
A redneck in Russia - very funny! :-)
Have you read through any of the archives here on the bulletin board yet? I'm thinking of a long and thoughtful piece that Augustin wrote about surrendering the stability of his marriage. I'm struck by the differences in the issues that the men and women are bringing to the list. It really does seem that there's a lot of "contrasexual" content to our issues that impel us in this spiritual quest. The men are struggling with the issues and meaning of realtionships and the women with issues of anger and autonomy.
I guess the Divine Beloved meet us there!
Peace-
X.
:) That is a cute way of saying it. I find that sometimes on the path to emptiness, old initiations have to be cleared. They shape you into a certain form, and eventually must be surrendered on the path to formlessness.. however, they do give you a solid platform to work from. You have to have an ego, to have an ego to surrender. Someone whose go is already fractured has a much harder time with the process.
: My journey got a little more complicated I guess about
: four years ago when I worked on a series of planetary magic
: rituals. These more or less burned me and left me not
: knowing the difference between good and evil. Today I can
: see the value of that because I can normally find the root
: good of evil now. When I did the rituals I wasn't ready
: for this and pretty much burned out for a couple of years.
Makes sense to me.. I find a simple definition of evil is, actions that are motivated by fear.. So, I prefer to use the word "fear" and I don't talk about "evil". "Evil", is "live" backwards.. fear interferes with the flow of life energy.
: Stilling my mind can put me outside my ego self. this was the
: beginning of the end of my ego's first class status. My ego
: doesn't like that.
Resisting is part of its job.. :) What method do you use to still your mind?
:My ego sees pretty women and
: my monkey mind reacts. But my self sees people without gender or
: age or race or religion (I took that phrase from the Equal
: Employment Opportunity template). I'm not always seeing with
: my self though.
That is very beautiful.
I find that the process of Kundalini tends to bring out the bisexuality inherent in people.. even if they do not act on it, the essential truth of it is "Love knows no gender".
: This hits pretty close to home for me because it affects my
: relationship with my wife. I love her very dearly. This issue is
: that my love without ego doesn't always equal erection. My wife
: expects sex from me and in fact I like sex. But I used to get
: there via the instrument of my ego. Now my ego is only a little
: part of my love. I know you might make jokes about that line but I
: put it in anyway. It kinda gets to the point though.
I am glad you put it in.. feel free to speak your mind, here. It can be hard for loved ones to adapt to the changes wrought by K., in us.
Sex is fun, sometimes it gets used to fill other empty spaces. It might be useful to talk to your wife, and try to understand what it is she gets from sex. For most women, being desired is about feeling beautiful.. women need to feel beautiful the way men need to feel powerful and needed. If that is what it is for her, or whatever it is.. perhaps you can find other ways to meet those needs in her, so she will not feel rejected by your process?
:I did finally get
: off between their thighs. They said it wasn't cheating on my wife
: because I didn't stick it in. I don't know if my ego won this round. I really don't know.
Well, it is interesting that you phrase it that way. Do you think your wife would agree with their technical assessment of your non-infidelity? Does it feel true to you? Does it feel not true, but a good reasonable excuse?
I do not judge you either way.. but do consider that so long as you are involved in judging whether your ego is winning or losing.. it is winning. The judgment itself, is of the ego. Not knowing, is perhaps the best place of power. A place of surrender.
: I've only been around here for a few weeks and have started on the
: first few lessons. It seems that working with ego as the box and
: the idea that thinking is the box and the idea that being
: outside the box is the answer that resonates with me.
I'm glad! Blessings!
: Best Regards
: Rayman+
welcome! and thanks for your introduction... it was very interesting...
on another note... at times i also have a shy dick, that has not always risen to the occasion.. as Mystress has pointed out... it is good to let a woman know that you are attracted to her, and that your own issues are causing your dick to take a break... i've found that women can take this personally, and we both get caught up in a cycle of misunderstanding...
sexuality can be deeply enjoyed without an erection when 2 people just surrender and accept the deliciousnes of each other's bodies that still exists... realization of this can actually cause a sleeping dick to wake up later in the same encounter...
warmly,
percyval
It's actually rather simple. I just repeat the phase "still the mind" and visualize a candle flame in the middle of my forehead. As I notice any thoughts I repeat the phrase. After a minute or two energy flows into that spot and if I continue it flows slowly into the rest of my mind and sometimes down into my body.
: : This hits pretty close to home for me because it affects my
: : relationship with my wife. I love her very dearly. This issue is
: : that my love without ego doesn't always equal erection. My wife
: : expects sex from me and in fact I like sex. But I used to get
: : there via the instrument of my ego. Now my ego is only a little
: : part of my love. I know you might make jokes about that line but I
: : put it in anyway. It kinda gets to the point though.
: I am glad you put it in.. feel free to speak your mind, here. It can be hard for loved ones to adapt to the changes wrought by K., in us.
: Sex is fun, sometimes it gets used to fill other empty spaces. It might be useful to talk to your wife, and try to understand what it is she gets from sex. For most women, being desired is about feeling beautiful.. women need to feel beautiful the way men need to feel powerful and needed. If that is what it is for her, or whatever it is.. perhaps you can find other ways to meet those needs in her, so she will not feel rejected by your process?
: :I did finally get
: : off between their thighs. They said it wasn't cheating on my wife
: : because I didn't stick it in. I don't know if my ego won this round. I really don't know.
: Well, it is interesting that you phrase it that way. Do you think your wife would agree with their technical assessment of your non-infidelity? Does it feel true to you? Does it feel not true, but a good reasonable excuse?
: I do not judge you either way.. but do consider that so long as you are involved in judging whether your ego is winning or losing.. it is winning. The judgment itself, is of the ego. Not knowing, is perhaps the best place of power. A place of surrender.
Thanks for your comments on this. I know this was an act of infidelity. The girls comments reflect a Russian attitude that it's one thing to play around and another to fall in love with someone who isn't your spouse. There may be a semantic difference between infidelity and adultry but the short story is that my wife would feel betrayed if she knew about this. What I am struggling with is more about where I end up when I let my ego drive. I suppose I was ungrounded when I let this happen. But I am often ungrounded or better to say unperfected. I'm trying to examine the difference between 1) doing what I did, 2) masturbating while thinking of a movie star and 3) making love to my wife while thinking of a movie star. I'm not sure there is a big internal difference. For me each of the three is an ego dominated event. What I do know is that I'm not the same guy I used to be. I can re-read books on mysticism and understand them in a different way, I view things differently, I am changed from what I was a few years ago and I can't change back. My ship has gone out to deep waters and I can't drop anchor so I am struggling to find the sails. And at the same time there is a fight going on for control. My monkey mind and my ego have teamed up to dominate the ship but they always have but the rest of the crew views this warily.
(My ego rises to it's defense) I haven't gotten to the lessons on surrender yet. I'm not very good at surrendering, I am a fighter. Surrendering makes me very scared. I've always fought, I've always persisted and sometimes I have been badly beaten but I've also won and been unbeliveably sucessful. But where the hell has my potency gone with regards to the lady I care most about???
With kind regards
Rayman+