Around new year, when we did the Shadow lesson all hell broke loose, internally, as anyone can see after reading the Shadow posts. It's been subsiding ever since, coming in waves.. But the waves have been less and less troublesome and easier to surrender.
I'm not sure if this is related to the process or just the weather, but my body eventually seemed to react.. My skin got really dry, especially around my eyes. It often happens at winter, but was particularily rough this time. I had a few more eruptions and boils that passed, and I regularily have intense heat/cold waves, especially while doing any shakti work, like with grounding.
Grounding/Surrender has pretty much become a sadhana now, and I spend more time than ever with it.. It just feels right.
Recently, I've watched many of these shadow/ego desires and fears/hopes come and go and noticed something which was always there, but seemed to slip my awareness.. How there is always a conflict involved! A desire manifests, ego moves into it, then ego says no! Stop it! Then ego says.. move into it, just a little! Then it just gets greedy with it.. Then says stop! Rinse, repeat.. The pendulum swinging.. Ego and the shadow always at odds.
A very silly example is playing strategy games/wargames. I've been a big fan of those games, but completely gave them up some years ago.. Or suppressed it? Anyhow, I played for a while, then some moral voice came and said no! You must not have anything to do with wars or violence, its wrong! I am absolutely against wars and violence, but at the same time the desire manifests to play wargames.. So, I'm not hurting anyone with it, and have played with awareness. Quite amazing to see suppressed desires for conquest and power manifesting in it, then followed with a feeling of its utter meaninglessness. Because its never enough. There's always thirst for more power and conquest. Goddess is quite creative with tools for bringing stuff out!
It's very liberating to become aware of all these things inside me, desires, fears, hopes and dreams, and drop the overlay of judgement of them!
After various skin conditions I've been nearly knocked out with a cold the past few days. Not so much stuffiness, but dehydration and very very heavy and tired. Called in sick for two days to let the body get back in balance.. Drinking lots of water and soup broth.
Had a deep lucid/conscious dream within a dream last night. I was chanting AUM and entered a state of total AUM, it was simply a total intense and prevailing sound of AUM and dancing light. I would 'fall' into it spontaneously several times during the night. There was a fear somewhere preventing me from moving completely into it. The intensity of the AUM felt like dying 'if I fall even a fraction more, I will lose myself'
After those episodes the face of a swami I know appeared right in my face and startled the crap out of me! lol. No doubt a manifestation of the fear/blockage of moving deeper into AUM. :)
So now I'm going on low-gear in most areas of life, letting the body find a new rythm again... I may be reading into things, but it seems like it to me that all the physical episodes that have come and gone the past few weeks have been related to the shadow work and surrendering.. It seems to work that way with me quite often.. First a strong emotional/energetic episode, then a vacuum, then the body trying to adjust.. Can be a cold/allergy/skin condition/digestive condition/tiredness or something else.
Mystress has said that Goddess eats anything written in the tea room. So here's another mouthful. :)
In gratitude for a loving space to share!
Namaste
Gustaf