Early in the morning when I begin my day it seems like I have all of this energy wanting to move up from my sacral chakra up through the solar plexus and into the heart chakra to be burned. Maybe it was tummo. I sort of avoided this.. but today I sort of realized that I was trying to resist resistance. LOL pretty crazy!! Sort of wander into the area of control.. but I suppose it is all relative. I just can't be gentle in doing this. I feel so stagnant and want to plow through me with a t-rex through all of the phenomena.
Anyone have any insight on this?
It sort of has to do with my second topic.
I always used to think of these energies as "being" other people.. Lol can't explain it more than that.. but I was experiencing all of these crazy energy movements and SEEING other people. It just feels like I am pushing people out of my awareness and into a trash can, because I am seeing them and don't want to deal with it and can't possibly think of a reasonable way to deal with this unless I feed them to the cookie monster.. I just can't figure it out, so I burn it up with a match or let Yoda deal with it. Letting it burn in the heart is also nice, because that is where it seems to want to go and I feel like I am on fire all the time anyways.
The words I use, sound mean.. LOL.. I just can't make it sound nice and beautiful. I am just frozen, and don't have time for the sixth sense and caring how I am getting all this astral junk.
It is scary to me, because it seems like I have become this person, who lives in this world who feeds his friends to his t-rex or his heart, because that is the what he sees. It is like my ego has given all of this phenomena to this underground world or friends.
I can't change what I am seeing.
I can change my entire world in a blink of an eye but I can't change the phenomena.
I can't say I REALLY mind all of this stuff.. I only mind because I never really got over the trauma of seeing all this and I feel strong enough to end all of the victim behaviour. I like the idea of taking back my power and my life. The suffering is a mere interpretation. Reminds me of this line from a song by Billy Talent that goes "into the river below, away from the raging inferno. You'll think I'm insane, but you'll all know my name."
And at the same time I can't ask for the answers as to what is occuring cuz they might make me jump to more conclusions and might not even be in words or terms that I understand.
I find tremendous beauty in the entire process! There is gold in my pocket. Every moment is funny and I don't know how it is going to turn out. My mom just walked by and I had the funniest reaction to her just walking by. Maybe she picked up on it and felt bad. Can't tell. Triple warped righteousness. Funny!
The karma just keeps getting bigger and bigger. The fear from yesterday was so intricate and so unreal that I can't even acknowledge it because it is so silly, but the link remains because I feel irreponsible in some way.
It truly is, it seems, a test of faith. What I see is so unexplainable to another person. It is just really weird and funny but my gut seems to be warning me, or asking me to give up some layer of karma cuz yesterday I had a bad reaction to this. Don't know. It is just ridiculous.
Even speaking about it, I lose all credibility. Because I make it sound like a huge joke. LOL. Trying to relate to people like Krishnamurti and Buddha.... but worrying about weird phenomena that it seems the traditional spiritual community asks us to ignore (for good reasons).
My life has suddenly become so extravegent and so outrageous that I can barely even stop to laugh at it or fix it. I can't, outside of what I have already said, even encapsualize my suffering. Because it is a huge illusion that I put myself through, but can't get myself to ignore it.
I just want to eat the world, and be kind, funny and witty. Those are my basic needs. But my mind strays. Maybe I want to become a psychic healer or something later, to pay the bills.
Blessings,
Scott