The Tea Room

Hello all,
  I've gone through a period of withdrawal and reconsidering I guess. The ups and downs of life you know... I guess I've taken a break from any intense kundalini searching within myself, and perhaps it's good, perhaps it's the way I'm supposed to be. But I miss it nonetheless. I don't know if this is a part of the doubt that is such a permanent part of me. I dunno, I geuss I was searching for some sort of... experience... that could not be connected to belief, or a belief system. But I imagine it doesn't "work" unless there is. Maybe not nessecarily a belief system, but at least faith. I geuss I was curious and searching, trying to find something deeper and more intimate to life, than what I find around me in the day to day struggle of what this is and what we are doing in this world.
  I find myself thinking, "Am I doing this for attention?" Am I doing this because I know, that someone will respond, with pity, with sorrow, whatever it may be, that at least it is an emotion of some type. That may be the all that someone really needs... simple interation... feelings and thoughts to be shared, listened to, communication and interation. To feel important and meaningful. Full of meaning. I know, I understand, that I have meaning. Somehow, I "know" that. But perhaps the only way to feel that is through someone else. That our knowledge is meaningless unless someone else also has somehow experienced our knowledge. Only then is it truly validated. Sometimes this may be the case, and that's the most exact statement I could ever muster due to the nature of the topic. But probably, for me, now is the case.
  I feel my life changing, and yet not. I wonder whether I should simply let my "spiritual" side go and disapear. Perhaps I must engross myself in the material. I find myself thinking of Siddhartha (spelling anyone?) and I wonder why I must always compare myself to some grand vision of supreme excellence, enlightenment, of being perfectly rounded, the master of his own self... etc. etc.
  All these thoughts bubble around, and I feel like I want to share... I geuss I desire interation and curious of what response sharing my thoughts will bring. Perhaps that's the only real meaning of lists like these and other forms of communication... sometimes. Don't take any of this in a harmful manner, because it is not meant that way. I love places like these because the feeling of sharing, whatever the reason, feels good. Ok... I've said enough. I hope I'm not intruding into a place where I no longer belong.

Thank you so much for listening...
Keith

P.S. Feel free to email me, or respond in the tea room. Whatever :p

Hi Keith,

  When I read your letter, I thought, Uh-huh...been there...more than a few times.  Yes, interaction with others does help.  It helps me to hear what you have to say.  It is valuable.  It seems we are all searching for some type of connection here, and I'm guessing that the process of K pulls the plug on all the connections we form that are false...leaving us feeling empty and barren, at times.  I don't know if this is where you are coming from, but this is just what I've noticed in my own experience.  Perhaps it is not what we are connected to itself that is false, but the way we are attached to it. The fire path is not an easy one, but it is effective!
  This too, will pass.  You are transforming, aligning yourself a bit more to divine will, loosening your grip on things a bit more as you go along.  Goddess has it designed that way, I truly believe.  
  Let us know how you are doing, and feel free to e-mail personally if you feel like it.  I'm always up for it!  Shara

Hi Keith!

You won't find any judgement from my end...  Though you're sure to get some philosiphizing or gratuitous advice ;-)

So you wonder if you should detach from spirituality, perhaps focus on the mundane...

It seems many of us share lofty ideals that we always seem to fall short of.  Lately, I have been pretty successful in using my "negative states" so as to help me, as opposed to hindering me (I'm going through a bit of a blahhh period too, after enjoying a very nice phase of everything going very smoothly). Interestingly, I've just realized that I've also set high goals for myself during this period...  Perhaps we feel heavier when we place pressure on ourselves?

I've been doing a great job of listening to my emotions in the past 4 months, seeing them as messages as opposed to something that I AM (I am happy, I am sad, I am depressed). I've learned that based on my personality type, whenever I feel depressed or listless, this is a message that I have to move!  Myself, something, anything.  The trick is to not believe my limiting thought patterns.  This just gets me deeper in the mire, and inevitably places responsability for my state outside of myself.

How about for you, what is this state telling you?  Why is it happening? What is the message? Usually, depression means you have to either move your body, feel something, and/or change your thoughts. (No kidding!?)

I think the real question here is, what is your passion?  What nourishes your spirit, fills you with a sense of purpose, and/or bliss?  If you are drawn towards certain ideals, what can lead you closer towards them, perhaps in your case, the ideal of Siddhartha?  If you are drawn to Siddhartha, what is it about him, his life, his Buddhahood, that draws you?

If I may suggest, perhaps focusing on the commonalities, as opposed to the differences between you, may draw you closer to where your spirit wishes to go?

May you find joyous inspiration very soon!  Please write anytime.

Love and Light,

Lady Jade

Hello!

For the very first time in 5 months, I was overwhelmed by my emotions today, so it has to be more than a coincidence.   Oh, the damage that can occur in a few seconds!

Anyway, sometimes, some things are bigger than us I guess. It was thoroughly unpleasant, and I still totally went with it.  Now why is that?

Perhaps I should mention that before I've enjoyed these 5 months of freedom from being overwhelmed my emotions, I enjoyed a nice period of freedom of letting them be whatever: from being an ecstatic sexpot to a lazy sack of shit to a tantrum she-devil (as long as nobody else had to pay from being around me! - which I think may be relevant?) until I truly didn't care anymore.  

Love and Joy,

Lady Jade

: Hello all,
Hello, Keith, everyone. :)

:    I've gone through a period of withdrawal and reconsidering I guess.

I've gone through a period of web withdrawl and MOVING!! YIKES.

: The ups and downs of life you know... I guess I've taken a break from any intense kundalini searching within myself, and perhaps it's good, perhaps it's the way I'm supposed to be. But I miss it nonetheless. I don't know if this is a part of the doubt that is such a permanent part of me. I dunno, I geuss I was searching for some sort of... experience... that could not be connected to belief, or a belief system. But I imagine it doesn't "work" unless there is. Maybe not nessecarily a belief system, but at least faith. I geuss I was curious and searching, trying to find something deeper and more intimate to life, than what I find around me in the day to day struggle of what this is and what we are doing in this world.

Hmmm. You are drawing a separation between the spiritual and the mundane. Why? There isn't one. Chop wood, yadda yadda. Live breathe, work, play... Goddess is all.

:    I find myself thinking, "Am I doing this for attention?" Am I doing this because I know, that someone will respond, with pity, with sorrow, whatever it may be, that at least it is an emotion of some type.

You feel empty, and seek to be filled by having someone acknowledge your existence. Works, short term and long term... but... depending on externals for fulfillment is bound to lead to more emptiness, in the long term. "If you do not go within, then you will go without." Be needy.

 Not that I mind you writing... quite the opposite. Goddess made the illusion of more than one of us, so we could chat and hug each other.

: That may be the all that someone really needs... simple interation... feelings and thoughts to be shared, listened to, communication and interation. To feel important and meaningful. Full of meaning. I know, I understand, that I have meaning. Somehow, I "know" that. But perhaps the only way to feel that is through someone else. That our knowledge is meaningless unless someone else also has somehow experienced our knowledge. Only then is it truly validated.

Why does it need to be validated? Why do you need validation?

Sometimes this may be the case, and that's the most exact statement I could ever muster due to the nature of the topic. But probably, for me, now is the case.
:    I feel my life changing, and yet not. I wonder whether I should simply let my "spiritual" side go and disapear. Perhaps I must engross myself in the material.

I have been engrossing myself in the material... yet, it is spiritual. No separation. The relationship with the DB is a marriage, I consult every decision, get feedback on every thought and emotion. Never alone.

:I find myself thinking of Siddhartha (spelling anyone?) and I wonder why I must always compare myself to some grand vision of supreme excellence, enlightenment, of being perfectly rounded, the master of his own self... etc. etc.

Siddharta was the pre-buddha prince. Ignorant and searching. Not grand and excellent.

:    All these thoughts bubble around, and I feel like I want to share... I geuss I desire interaction and curious of what response sharing my thoughts will bring. Perhaps that's the only real meaning of lists like these and other forms of communication... sometimes.

They are what they are... different things to different people.

: Don't take any of this in a harmful manner, because it is not meant that way. I love places like these because the feeling of sharing, whatever the reason, feels good. Ok... I've said enough. I hope I'm not intruding into a place where I no longer belong.

You are welcome here. :) Blessings!

: Thank you so much for listening...
: Keith

: P.S. Feel free to email me, or respond in the tea room. Whatever :p

Hi Shara,
  I do feel better now in a way I think. Thank you for your kind words and encouragment. Searching for connection, seems to be none at times... yes, but I am unsure if it is K that has pulled them all out. I remember feeling like this before I knew about K, meditation or anything.
  The fire path... I do love the rich imagry associated with Kundalini... but I am unsure if I'm even on the path. Lately I've just let go and let my little dunebuggy just drive whereever it wants, off the path, through shrubbery, whatever! Perhaps that is a part of it all whether I know it or not? Well, I will let it stay a bit more free than previously (like I have a choice right ;P). Thanks!

Keith

Hi Lady Jade,
  I do think you're right. Move, change, somehow think or feel differently about something, someplace, or someone. It really does help. I've been switching around my major at college all semester. Every day I change it I'm estatic, feeling like I've really figured things out.. then a day or two it hits me and I feel stupid, like I made the wrong choice, but worse than that I feel totally lost again. But it all goes up and down up and down like I very colorful merry-go-round.
  I thank you for your suggestion to look at what is my passion... but I think I have to pass on it, but I'll explain why... I think it's because I really can't feel a true passion in me. I think, when I look towards spiritual ideals, maybe I look to them because it impresses me when I consider someone else who is very spiritual, in touch with their inner self... etc. etc. Now, I am not sure if this is simply an interest... perhaps this aspect of human experience interests me, or if it's simply an impressive feat for some human to accomplish, and I simply wish to impress people (back to the interaction/reaction thing). I think, if it were a true passion, I would be able to be content stranded on an island pondering or doing only this passion... but when I think about that scenerio, nothing seems to hold up as a passion. I say, what's the point if no one else is around? Just some thoughts, I'm not so sure how well thought these are.... hehehe, so I'm going to  stop now...
  Thanks for the support and brainstorming though Lady Jade!

Keith

Lady Jade wrote:
: How about for you, what is this state telling you?  Why is it happening? What is the message? Usually, depression means you have to either move your body, feel something, and/or change your thoughts. (No kidding!?)

: I think the real question here is, what is your passion?  What nourishes your spirit, fills you with a sense of purpose, and/or bliss?  If you are drawn towards certain ideals, what can lead you closer towards them, perhaps in your case, the ideal of Siddhartha?  If you are drawn to Siddhartha, what is it about him, his life, his Buddhahood, that draws you?

Hello,
  Wonderful to hear from you, I do hope the move went smoothly... as smoothly as can be hoped for at least :p

:   Hmmm. You are drawing a separation between the spiritual and the mundane. Why? There isn't one. Chop wood, yadda yadda. Live breathe, work, play... Goddess is all.

I do see it as being separate, when I probably shouldn't. Poor programming heh. I try and remember that chop wood yadda yadda, I'm just not very good at remembering.

:   Not that I mind you writing... quite the opposite. Goddess made the illusion of more than one of us, so we could chat and hug each other.

: Why does it need to be validated? Why do you need validation?

I don't know why I need validation... because I can't find it within myself right now. I think to myself it is there, but it feels differently. A phase perhaps.

: Siddharta was the pre-buddha prince. Ignorant and searching. Not grand and excellent.

Well that is true, but I look at it rather grandly then I suppose. The journey and resting point he finds I suppose.
  Thank you so much M.A.S. I do need reminding that completeness is inside, and that is where to search in order to find the whole... even if it is searching through material, or spiritual... You've reminded me that both are a part of it all. Part of Kundalini or not... I can't say. but it is what it is. Thank you ver much.

Keith

Keith wrote:
I've been switching around my major at college all semester. Every day I change it I'm estatic, feeling like I've really figured things out.. then a day or two it hits me and I feel stupid, like I made the wrong choice, but worse than that I feel totally lost again.

Bwahahahahahaaaa!! You think your K is not active? It is active as heck, devouring anything you attach to! You'll learn non-attachment, eventually... :) In the meantime, try experiencing persistence. Choose something, or ask your DB and stick with it.

I think it's because I really can't feel a true passion in me. I think, when I look towards spiritual ideals, maybe I look to them because it impresses me when I consider someone else who is very spiritual, in touch with their inner self... etc. etc.

You know, there is a difference between passion and attachment...

:I simply wish to impress people (back to the interaction/reaction thing). I think, if it were a true passion, I would be able to be content stranded on an island pondering or doing only this passion... but when I think about that scenerio, nothing seems to hold up as a passion.
I say, what's the point if no one else is around?

The desert island thing is a strange way to measure passion. You appear to have a passion for people. That could never be fulfilled on a desert island...

 You can have a passion for impressing people... so long as you are not attached to the results. That is, so long as you do not get bent out of shape if nobody is impressed.

 I have a passion for poking people. "To be provocative." The thing about a true passion, or a basic need (as opposed to an ego based need) is that usually it has infinite forms of fulfullment, and it is so much a part of your life and persona, that it is almost invisible to you.
 I poked people as a comedienne... getting the laugh response. I poked people colourfully, as a dominatrix. I poke people as a spiritual teacher... I'm poking you, now. I poke people by how I dress. Domin8rex.com is one big poke-fest... people react to it, I get reactions. Even if they never write to tell me their reaction, my soul knows that somewhere, somebody went "hmmm..." and it goes "ahhhh... bliss." I do art, it affects people. Good art gets an emotional response from the viewer. When I was a child, I liked to stir up anthills with a stick, just to see the eruption of ant frenzy. Poke, poke poke.

  I cannot predict what the reaction will be, or if there will be any... so there is no attachment. A non-reaction is still some kind of reaction. Sometimes people react the opposite of how I might guess, sometimes the reaction might be hostile or negative... not being attached to an expectation of any particular result means it does not matter much.

 I plant a seed, a flower grows... action, reaction. Being provocative towards my environment. Ahh, bliss.

  My passion for poking people is part of how Goddess made me, and She has lead me through many experiences and lessons so that now I am very, very good at it. :) I use it in Her service.

Or rather, I have learned to be very transparent, and Goddess pokes people, through me. I am the vessel of divine provocation! :) Her tool, and She shaped me to be that like a blacksmith shapes a horseshoe! (Lots of fire and pounding!!)

 You are trying to define your passion by some narrow measurements, but a true passion is bigger than that, it leaves footprints all over your life. It is an integral part of your personality, that K will not release, only enhance. It is often formless, in itself but can be fulfilled in many forms.

  In order to sort out what your basic needs are, you have to get to know yourself. You can start with an enneagram, or Myers-Briggs profile, and go from there. Look at your whole life, in chunks of 4 years or so, and write down all the best and worst experiences for each time period. When you have done so, distill them further to get very specific about what quality of those experiences made them so wonderful or terrible... in a word or short phrase of not more than three words each. Add those results up, and you will begin to get an idea of the formless qualities of your basic needs.

 Formless like "to be provocative" is formless, or "creativity" is formless... many activities can be creative, and the activity is the *form* of manifestation of the formless need.

  For example... if you enjoy an activity like, soccer... that is a form. The formless is what it is about soccer that makes it fulfilling. That might be "success", or "exercise" or "competition" or "teamwork"... and probably there are other activities which give the same satisfaction.

 Any activity that fulfills many of these needs at once, will be enjoyable for you.
 Basic needs are not ego needs... they are a deeper aspect of the personality.

  Know thyself!!

    Blessings...

Just some thoughts, I'm not so sure how well thought these are.... hehehe, so I'm going to  stop now...
:    Thanks for the support and brainstorming though Lady Jade!

: Keith

:
: Lady Jade wrote:
: : How about for you, what is this state telling you?  Why is it happening? What is the message? Usually, depression means you have to either move your body, feel something, and/or change your thoughts. (No kidding!?)

: : I think the real question here is, what is your passion?  What nourishes your spirit, fills you with a sense of purpose, and/or bliss?  If you are drawn towards certain ideals, what can lead you closer towards them, perhaps in your case, the ideal of Siddhartha?  If you are drawn to Siddhartha, what is it about him, his life, his Buddhahood, that draws you?

MAS: "Know Thyself"

Thank you very much for the advice, comments and thoughts. Poking is very helpful indeed. Formless... hmm good point. Thanks.

Keith