I am feeling the energy move through me very strongly right now. I have been in
what feels like a dark cave for some months now. I am peeking out more and more
often now. Looking out at the world and thinking about joining it again. :) At least
that is how it feels. It feels as if I have lived years in the last few months. So many
changes in the world around me and the world in me. Well there haven't been a lot
of changes but the ones that have happened have been huge.
I am learning again to live/ see/ be something else. I guess. Not really sure.
Sometimes I don't really know. I look around and say to my self. What the heck!??
Where am I. What am I. Who am I. Does it really matter? I look for an answer and
there aren't any. What is the point?
The thing that has most impacted me in my life at this point is the death of my 3 year
old niece. Well she was almost 3. Two months short. She died in October and
would have been 3 in December. She was like my own. She spent much of her short
life in my home. I remember the minute she was born. I looked at her and knew her
with every cell in my body. I held her and was the first person to feed her. Her
parents had some very tough times of their own so I took her into my home.
At the time of her death I was away from home. I remember the call from my
husband. I couldn't in my wildest imaginings have imagined such pain. It ripped
through me. It was relentless. There seemed to be no place to tun to feel relief. It felt
like torture. I begged time to go back. I remember saying I don't know how to do
this, I don't know how to do this. I would just lay back and endure it. I remember
saying to myself. I just have to endure. Endure.
I feel her around me at times now. I hear her. I remember I would go to bake a cake
or cookies. She would finally overcome her fear of the loud mixer and say- Auntie I
help you. I'd pull up a chair and say ok my Love. She would pour the flour or sugar
in for me and be so proud of herself. I would tell her good job my love and swing
her around in a big hug as she squealed with joy.We would munch on the yummy
cookie dough, then eat the cookies still warm from the oven till we were sick of
them. :).
Then there were the sunsets. She loved them. She would say "shunshet Auntie" and
we would look at the beautiful colors. Now every sunset I see, I see her. She is
there within the beautyof the colors. Thank you my Love. Thank you for bringing so
much joy into my life. Thank you for teaching me that I can love more than I could
have imagined. Thank you for your tiny arms so joyfully around my neck. Thank you
for being in the sunset I see and in the cookies I make. You have taught me to love.
Thank you.
I feel like I needed to write this out and send it to a place that I love. I love this
course and the work Mystress does. It feels like the right place. As I write it I feel
movement in my body. Thank you for giving me a place to do this. It feels as if I am
coming back to life again. Thanks for listening. I am ready again. With love, Vickie
It is full, complete within itself, nothing for me to add... but only this: I have watched your growing for a few years now, and it has been a blessing and an honour to play my part in it. Amazing and joyful.
At the end of this message, I am sharing the story of your ego shattering after the tummo initiation, for the undestanding of other members who will read this.
What I did not tell you then, could not tell you... is that, in my observation, the ego death and rebirth process is most always acompanied by a great loss, the physical death of someone very close to you.
I could wish it were not so, but it is as Goddess Wills. I have seen it, over and over, experienced it in my own life too. It seems the death of the beloved is a karmic agreement... a gift. There is always more to such an event, than how it affects the people around the deceased... you are not to blame for this, the side effect of how it affects your process is just one part of the purpose... if purpose is to be found.
You know from your own insights, that life, of itself, has no meaning... but the meaning we give to it, makes all the difference.
Her gift to you, is your rebirth into seeing life through the eyes of a child. Innocence, joy in simple pleasures and everyday beauty.
I know, from my own experience that your grief will never wholly fade... but it changes, with time. It takes on a poignant sweetness that explands to see the terrible beauty, in all the pains and sorrows, the comic tragedy of the human condition. It grounds you into your humanity, opens your heart wider than you ever thought it could be. It gives your heart, eyes... and the grace of sensitivity, vulnerability that is strength.
Life does not stop being painful, suffering persists, an open heart is vulnerability... but here is the secret of the laughing buddha: he laughs, because it hurts and is so beautiful both at once that there is nothing else to do.
Comes to mind, a passage from "The Little Prince", by Antoine de Saint-Exupery. Such a lovely story, beautiful man. It was he who wrote, "It is only with the heart, that we can see clearly. What is essential, is invisible to the eye." I have found the book online, the link is below. Here is the passage I am thinking of:
"And at night you will look up at the stars. Where I live everything is so small that I cannot show you where my star is to be found. It is better, like that. My star will just be one of the stars, for you. And so you will love to watch all the stars in the heavens . . . they will all be your friends. And, besides, I am going to make you a present . . ."
He laughed again.
"Ah, little prince, dear little prince! I love to hear that laughter!"
"That is my present. Just that. It will be as it was when we drank the water . . ."
"What are you trying to say?"
"All men have the stars," he answered, "but they are not the same things for different people. For some, who are travelers, the stars are guides. For others they are no more than little lights in the sky. For others, who are scholars, they are problems. For my businessman they were wealth. But all these stars are silent. You--you alone--will have the stars as no one else has them--"
"What are you trying to say?"
"In one of the stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing, when you look at the sky at night . . . You--only you--will have stars that can laugh!"
And he laughed again.
"And when your sorrow is comforted (time soothes all sorrows) you will be content that you have known me. You will always be my friend. You will want to laugh with me. And you will sometimes open your window, so, for that pleasure . . . And your friends will be properly astonished to see you laughing as you look up at the sky! Then you will say to them, 'Yes, the stars always make me laugh!' And they will think you are crazy. It will be a very shabby trick that I shall have played on you . . ."
And he laughed again.
"It will be as if, in place of the stars, I had given you a great number of little bells that knew how to laugh . . ."
Life has no meaning, but the meaning we give to it... makes all the difference. You surrendered all meanings, and Goddess gave you back a richly meaningful life.
Blessings, and I am blessed to know you.
May I share some of my experiences since the Tummo initiation?
About a week or so after we did the Tummo initiation my husband and i
got into a huge fight. Some place in the middle of that fight all of a
sudden I -knew- that everything was a lie or not true. Everything.
Everything I had ever seen, learned heard or encountered was not true.
All of my beliefs were baloney. It really blew my mind. Threw me off
balance. For a few weeks after I would see or hear or think of something
and I would think and know -that's not true. I felt very unbalanced.
What do I believe now? How do I live? Where do I go with this? If
everything I have believed in isn't true what now?
Yep. Welcome to Buddha hood. That image of the fat laughing buddha with his hands in the air? He's shrugging, and saying "hey, what ever." Elsewhere I have defined it as "Shrug, laugh, don't care." Well, maybe you have not gotten to the laughing stage yet... but you are well on your way. Focus on the peace of it.
All of our beliefs, our religions, our science and experiences, all 58 lessons of FST and 20,000 K list posts cannot define the truth of the universe, and never will. Nothing is true in them, but the creative Shakti they carry. Consciousness itself. They become true, if you believe them... but the ultimate Truth is ... eternally incomprehensible. Cosmic joke. Welcome to the folly of my life. Of everybody's.
Now I am at a point where I see things happening in the world but for
the most part there is no strong emotional connection to it. The war
with Iraq- nothing. The US economy- nothing. Some of my friends are all
gung ho about going to brazil and saving indigenous knowledge- me
nothing. I believe that they can take care of themselves just fine.
That is brilliant.
I
feel as if I don't have any passion for anything any more. I can just
plunk away in my garden and house and let the world pass me by.
It takes a bit of getting used to, just because it is so different... we are the TV generations, raised to believe that life is all drama and passion, with a cliffhanger every hour. Look at your friends, choosing to believe stuff so they can play hero... you know it is not true, but they are living in a self created universe... Everybody does, and most people as you may have noticed, never stop to question whether what they are doing is true or not. They believe it, so it is true for them... Goddess provides.
Gardening is more real, than what most people chase after. Why are there so many Zen Gardens, but no Zen football fields?
For me, it was people like you, who brought me back to motivation for "doing" in the world. I know it does not matter what I do, everybody is God pretending to be something else whether they know it or not... but God within these illusions of other called me to come back to work, teaching and reflecting. So, I surrendered to that. Even knowing that nothing I say, is true. But, the energy of love, passing to the illusion of other, it is worth doing...
I am both passionate about it, in the doing, but also willing to set it all aside and walk away. See what else Goddess presents to me. If I get attached to it, then Goddess arranges me to get so pissed off that I want to dump it all down a hole... and come out detached again. Surrender to dealing with what is in front of me. The state of detachment, provides the power of Grace. Without resistance mucking up the works... what spirit wants, comes through.
Relax into this state. You are still cleansing... that is why triggers are still coming up for you to shrug at, and release. When your body is clear, you will be getting more emotions back, but you will be navigating by your belly, not your mind. What makes a nice warmth in your 2-3-4 chakras, is what you follow. That part of you still speaks, and there is not motive to not surrender to it.
Hang out in nonduality for a while. Get to know the place. Stay there till you see the cosmic joke and become laughing buddha... Then you will find entertaining folly, some motive to return to the game. Something to do that is in some way more enjoyable than sitting on your ass under the boddhi tree for the rest of your life... and you will be able to do it, very well because you know it doesn't matter. Product of Grace.
There are still a few things that can grab my attention but not very
many any more. I feel like - hey what ever. My husbands job ends next
Monday and I have a bit of worry but mostly it's hey what ever.
Yeah. Goddess has it handled... or, something seems to...
So
weird. Everyone is running around trying to save the world and I'm like
what's the point. If ya wanna do that, go for it I guess. Whatever.
:) :) :) Wow. I feel like being proud of you. Even tho I cannot really take credit for any of it. Just because it pleases me. In seeing through the illusion, you see the folly of belief being passed from teacher to student, and graduate to mastery.
Maybe I've moved past some of those things and I feel like now what.
Maybe I've moved into a space of denying everything. Not sure. Who am I
without a cause? Who am I at all? Guess I'll find out.
Well, good luck. I never did. That is the mystery of Mystress. The secret meaning in the spelling. I don't know. We cannot know, all our ideas and beliefs about who we are, are part of the folly. You just are. I AM. It dies not matter what we do, so you might as well follow your bliss. Bliss is not passion, it has a larger dose of peace in it. Passion is drama, believing the illusion, giving energy to fear and running off to save the world.
it doesn't seem
to be going away.
Nope... good thing too. It will change, as you surrender to it. There will be more warm bliss places and fewer moments of wondering if your state of mind is unnatural. If you get uncomfortable enough to decide to attach to something, you may grow a new ego around it and have a bumpy slide, into a drama reality, but Goddess will always bungee cord you out eventually.
Things I felt strongly about in the past have no
meaning to me now. It's just feels strange because it's still so
new... or something. I feel different, strange almost like I am
disconnected from it all.
Yes, detached. Yet... you may notice, everything you focus on, changes as you look at it. Have you observed how people are responding to you? They are probably enjoying the grace radiating off you. Unconditional love and acceptance.
It is a curious thing. If you have any
insight I would be very grateful. Thank you for listening.Thank you for
your time.
Thank you for all that you do.
With Love, Vickie
Thank you for you! Blessings...
: Then there were the sunsets. She loved them. She would say "shunshet Auntie" and
: we would look at the beautiful colors. Now every sunset I see, I see her. She is
: there within the beautyof the colors. Thank you my Love. Thank you for bringing so
: much joy into my life. Thank you for teaching me that I can love more than I could
: have imagined. Thank you for your tiny arms so joyfully around my neck. Thank you
: for being in the sunset I see and in the cookies I make. You have taught me to love.
: Thank you.
: I am feeling the energy move through me very strongly right now. I have been in
: what feels like a dark cave for some months now. I am peeking out more and more
: often now.
I feel the same way. From October to December I felt like a sick polar bear who wasn't permitted to hibernate, and needing to sleep so desperately. Fortunately, my seasonal affective disorder is improving with the seasons, so I'm gradually getting back into living. I'm thinking next year when the darkness overtakes me I'm just going to find a way to revel in it and enjoy it. You know, kind of like going goth, living and expressing the darkness and pain, and appreciating the inherent beauty in it. Of course, I say that now!! If I became rich, I'd head south right away and just sip margaritas through the winter!!! Oh, well, as long as I'm a Canadian I should just hang with Persephone and Hades and enjoy the intensity of death and decay. For someone who enjoys extremes, I have a hard time with waning moons and seasons, altough they are often the times of greatest learning and gain. I feel like those three months of purgatory were a preparation for all the letting go I need to do now. Like letting go of my job, and my expectations, and my hopes of better health, and probably my relationship too, of which I am taking a break from to figure out if I want to try to work it out. And I'm finding out there's a lot to enjoy through letting go, stressful as it is. It's like yanking a cord out of your solar plexus; whereas too much hope and fantasy makes my solar plexus jittery and shaky with too much adrenaline. Yeah, I can actually hear my body talking sometimes!!! Amazing stuff.
Thanks for letting me talk about this stuff, everybody. And welcome to the list, Hyperborean, I hope you enjoy your stay. :)
Love to all
Sabrina
Thank you for your comments. :)
I too have had to deal with seasonal affective disorder.
Went out this year and bought a full spectrum light bulb. It has worked wonders for me. :) I sit by it when I'm watching tv or using the computer.
: I feel the same way. From October to December I felt like a sick polar bear who wasn't permitted to hibernate, and needing to sleep so desperately. Fortunately, my seasonal affective disorder is improving with the seasons, so I'm gradually getting back into living.
: Love to all
: Sabrina
With love, Vickie