I hope everybody's well. I'm just posting to say I'm feeling waaayyy better. The storm has passed, or the k-fire tornado, in this case. When I realized most of my pain were the death screams of my entities, I decided to bless the blockages and thank them for helping me release energy. Then Poof! Gone. I still have some kicking around, but I've told Goddess to transmute them and I trust she is, just taking her time so as to not clear all my karma by next week. :) Or whatever. Though I sometimes wish I could clear my karma in a week. :) I guess it was a case of K-flu after all. I'm still a bit sniffly, but I feel sort of peaceful, relaxed and my third eye has opened somewhat. I have this constant massaging tingle in my forehead. Very groovy :)
I also have to say I have been a baaadd girl. I've read all the way up to lesson 22. Having said that, for the time being I'm skipping the lessons of waking the serpents, and the house and computer spell. Right now I'm focusing on getting the grounding down, and waking the heart voice and clearing entities. Although I think I should ground and clear more junk before I'll be able to hear the heart voice. I'm getting conflicting answers right now. I've had some very cool experiences meditating on the heart chakra though. I've found that after so long I start seeing stars, or star-like symbols like pentagrams, star of david, gifu runes. The most important thing is that I feel that the heart light is constantly radiating outward and never runs out of energy, no matter how much love you extend outward. And vice versa when you extend heart energy inward. It's very comforting to realize that the heart voice is infinite in scope and basically unaffected by anything we do in life.
Another weird thing that came into my head was a diamond-shaped energy pattern coming out from my heart. I asked the heart voice if it could make my flu go away. I then got the image of the top half of the diamond spinning one way, and the bottom half spinning the other way. Or the whole diamond spun widdershins, I'm not sure, I was trancey at the time. But I remember thinking it was like Drunvalo Melchizadiak's description of merkaba, except without all the irritating ritual and structure. Anyway, i feel like some major blockages in my top four chakras are gone, and my third eye has constantly been awake for the last day. I feel a constant vibrating in that area.
I'd like to address your questions about forgiveness, Mystress. Perhaps I expressed my thoughts poorly. I do need a reason to love and forgive, or at least in some cases I need to know the WHY behind it all. Whether it's because someone was abused, or is scared, or hurting, it doesn't matter, I need to know why they hurt me. I would even be able to forgive a jerk if I just knew it was his nature to be a jerk because his being a jerk performs some vital function here on planet earth. Does this make sense? Like accepting that death comes because constant life is stagnating. Or that you were late to work cause you would have been hit by a car otherwise. And I do find that compassion and forgiveness opens my heart more. Eventually I suppose I'll see everyone as perfect and I won't need compassion and forgiveness. But right now, I just need a basis for forgiveness and love. Hmmm, maybe I should work on going to the Witness State and dropping expectations and stuff. It actually works sometimes. Other times I need to have emotions and cry and laugh stuff out. So much to learn!!! *sighs*
Anyway, I'm sorry for the long post. I hope this doesn't affect bandwidth or anything. Seriously, I really like posting and writing, so I'll probably write a lot of long-winded posts in the future. My apologies in advance. What can I say, I'm a Gemini. Expect more information from me than you really need. *LOL* Goodnight everybody!
Sabrina
You know skipping ahead like that was wrong, so why did you do it? It is disrespectful to me, to the course and to your self. You have read 1/3 of the course but you have not yet mastered the basics, grounding and the heart voice.
Sabrina, from what I have read of you, it appears that you are not understanding many of the concepts presented. Several things you commented on, on the lists and in private mail to me, give me this impression. You are reading and absorbing terminology without really understanding the concepts they represent.
For example, you wrote to me in private mail that you understand projections, then turned around and wrote a whole thread of projections about your boyfriend on KSL. You also misunderstand what "Alpha wolf" is, to the point of thinking it is the opposite of what it is.
You are not hearing me clearly, so it is no surprise you are not hearing the heart voice either. You are not following my suggestions of how to take the course, so I am not inclined to give you more guidance. No point in advising you, if you are not listening.
It appears to me that you do not know the difference between a blockage and an entity... the stuff you have been dealing with looks like blockages to me, not entities... The entity clearing did not work on them, but gratitude did.
You have some entities, but what you describe is body talking. Entities tend to move, wiggle or squirm. Your pain just sits there like a brick, getting worse. It is your body asking to be heard. You are so busy trying to get your own way by surrendering, you are not hearing it.
You ask me if a few seconds of grounding counts toward your "goal"... I cannot even express how bizarre that sounds, to me.
Enlightenment is not a footrace. There is no exam for this tantra course. Knowing words for concepts does not mean really understanding them. Grounding is something you cultivate all the time, it is not measured to coffee breaks and a stopwatch, trying to make it count towards your "score" for the goal. That is like trying to stuff Goddess in a pigeonhole. Schedule Her... so She does not interfere too much with the drama you prefer to give your attention to.
Sabrina, chill... all of this, is not surrender. You are trying to use the concepts to attain ego based goals. So you are still getting the "shooting self in foot" effect.
Your ego is playing some tricks on you. Giving you a story you think you already know the ending to, so you will not look closer and see something that might cause its erosion.
I want you to go back to the beginning of the course, and start over. Surrender everything you *think* you have learned, to make room for fresh, genuine insights. Continue with the grounding, but do one lesson per week and stay with it until you really do understand it fully.
I know your ego won't like that idea, which is as good reason as any to do it. You have been using this program to enhance your ego... getting an illusion of learning, accomplishment... Time for humility.
What you are seeing in your heart, is probably the Sri Yantra. There is a pic of it on the FST e-card site you can save and meditate on.
Take time to stop thinking, and observe yourself breathing. That power that keeps you breathing, can also take care of everything else in your life if you will get out of your own way and stop giving your attention to ego based drama.
I don't like to squish you, but it is better than seeing you continue down this path as you have been. I have had students before, who mistook an intellectual understanding of the concepts for spiritual progress. You are getting an intellectual mis-understanding and thinking it progress... Let it go. Start over.
Blessings...
I'm getting conflicting answers right now. I've had some very cool experiences meditating on the heart chakra though. I've found that after so long I start seeing stars, or star-like symbols like pentagrams, star of david, gifu runes. The most important thing is that I feel that the heart light is constantly radiating outward and never runs out of energy, no matter how much love you extend outward. And vice versa when you extend heart energy inward. It's very comforting to realize that the heart voice is infinite in scope and basically unaffected by anything we do in life.
: Another weird thing that came into my head was a diamond-shaped energy pattern coming out from my heart. I asked the heart voice if it could make my flu go away. I then got the image of the top half of the diamond spinning one way, and the bottom half spinning the other way. Or the whole diamond spun widdershins, I'm not sure, I was trancey at the time. But I remember thinking it was like Drunvalo Melchizadiak's description of merkaba, except without all the irritating ritual and structure. Anyway, i feel like some major blockages in my top four chakras are gone, and my third eye has constantly been awake for the last day. I feel a constant vibrating in that area.
: I'd like to address your questions about forgiveness, Mystress. Perhaps I expressed my thoughts poorly. I do need a reason to love and forgive, or at least in some cases I need to know the WHY behind it all. Whether it's because someone was abused, or is scared, or hurting, it doesn't matter, I need to know why they hurt me. I would even be able to forgive a jerk if I just knew it was his nature to be a jerk because his being a jerk performs some vital function here on planet earth. Does this make sense? Like accepting that death comes because constant life is stagnating. Or that you were late to work cause you would have been hit by a car otherwise. And I do find that compassion and forgiveness opens my heart more. Eventually I suppose I'll see everyone as perfect and I won't need compassion and forgiveness. But right now, I just need a basis for forgiveness and love. Hmmm, maybe I should work on going to the Witness State and dropping expectations and stuff. It actually works sometimes. Other times I need to have emotions and cry and laugh stuff out. So much to learn!!! *sighs*
: Anyway, I'm sorry for the long post. I hope this doesn't affect bandwidth or anything. Seriously, I really like posting and writing, so I'll probably write a lot of long-winded posts in the future. My apologies in advance. What can I say, I'm a Gemini. Expect more information from me than you really need. *LOL* Goodnight everybody!
: Sabrina