I made all the wrong choices, did the terrible things and have been paying for them in my ongoing personal hell. All the experiences, the constant voices, the merging in and out of a reality I created. Mourning the destruction of what I was and then realizing all I was , was wrong a terrible person, mourning the energy and vitality wasted by an egotistical, selfish, proud, narcissist doing all I could to protect my image. To all who I hurt I wish I could erase my existence to save you the pain I directly caused. When I sleep the darkness is the existence I can't find in waking life it is rare to dream anymore just darkness. The key to ending it all is to take a leap of faith but again there's the fear that led me to this place to begin with. Wrestling with the idea am I right? or simply mad looking for the logical explanation?
What's going on, Willy?
I've known you for more than a decade and you don't seem a terrible person to me? What brought on this crisis of conscience?
I don't know what you are apologizing for, I cannot recall any incidence where you harmed me? For sure nobody wants you to erase your existence. We do that with the ego, through surrender, the rest is precious. Body mind and spirit.
I want you to remember that Goddess does not judge you, Her love is unconditional and accepting and you can feel it any time by getting grounded. All the judgements you are making about yourself, those are fears and karma noise, surrender it all.
Concerned, you sound suicidal, and that is not the answer you are looking for no matter how tempting it may seem. Emotions come and go, you remain. Sometimes with empathy, the emotions are not even your own though it may feel yours. Impossible to tell really, but there is a useful phrase:
Say "Goddess please take me, if I am not being me, at the moment. Thank you."
Repeat it seven times with a deep breath in between, slow inhale longer exhale.
Kundalini can send you on some strange orbits, but they are transient, the phenomenon comes and goes but you remain, witness to it all.
I recall "the road to hell is paved with good intentions" was a powerful lesson for you and it sounds like you are peeling another layer. If things get too much, please go to the hospital. Keep yourself safe.
Sudden depressive mood swings like this can be biological at root, root oflease see a doctor.
Sociopaths, do not have a conscience to feel bad or guilty about anything. You would not be feeling guilt unless you actually are a good person, even if you made some bad choices in the past. That is how it goes eh? The really terrible people do not have a fuck to give about who got hurt, they project and make excuses and blame others.
Whereas the really good people, feel awful about the smallest things sometimes... because we care. Sensitive. So the depth of your feelings of guilt and remorse are the strongest evidence that you really are a good person. A genuine asshole, would not give a damn.
Even if you have been an a hole some times in the past... who hasn't?
Facing up to your responsibilities makes you kinder, gentler, and be sure to include yourself in the kindness too. Turn the page, like the AA people say, one day at a time, one moment... moment to moment, finding new expressions of compassion.
BTW I stopped dreaming around 2003, rare for me to have a sleeping dream but visions and daydreams are abundant. It is quite common at a stage of kundalini, don't worry about it.
I don't know what sort of logic you are looking for, but this is my go-to for science types looking to embrace the psychic.
https://archive.org/details/itzhak-bentov-stalking-the-wild-pendulum-on-the-mechanics-of-consciousness (https://archive.org/details/itzhak-bentov-stalking-the-wild-pendulum-on-the-mechanics-of-consciousness)
I am working on a project in secondlife atm, you can find me there.