The Tea Room

Ok - I have resisted posting up until now and I don't plan on posting all of the time, but if I get stuck or have questions, I will go ahead and post.

Basically, my experience of the course has been a positive one and I will recommend it to a couple of people who I know who will be interested. I do have a background in magick and I find that this is more direct and to the point which suits me very well. I have also been supplementing for a while and dabbled in Chi Kung earlier this year, but despite the instructor claiming to be sending shakti to his students, I never felt anything. Here, it was quite obvious and straight away. Also, the material has been superb.

The grounding has also been good and it has been evolving dynamically and I am incorporating with deep belly breathing which usually has me buzzing quite a lot.

I have also gone back through the forum even more than I had before. I find it has answered a lot of questions that I would have had. However, I have had issues with meditation before (for a couple of years) where I would struggle to stay alert until I started the slow breathing. Now, it stays and the meditations tend to be filled with analytical distraction, which I do surrender to Goddess when they do come up, however, they are much much improved from prior. I am now getting a swelling of hot energy which builds up and then I feel it release into a sort of wave sensation, but this is in general and not in any particular location. It isn't blissful, so I would associate it more like a physical reaction. It is in a sense very similar to if I do holotropic breathing for about 40 minutes or so.

A couple of weeks ago, I had this very pleasant vibration which got stronger up my root chakra which seemed to spread upwards. It lasted for about an hour which I was pleased about and thanked Goddess for the experience. Outside of this, usually after a lesson (about 1 day later), my root chakra will start going. I am guessing that this could be the shakti charge of the lesson.

I have also been strengthing the perieum with exercises (only started this yesterday) which has had an effect as well. I can feel a little bit of heat up the back right now and also a pressure on the crown.

I will keep perusing the forums and although I thought that I wouldn't be so ambitious to digest the forums, it looks like I am now searching for knowledge. It seems that I am pretty thirsty :-)

This week has been interesting. I have been feeling energy from the grounding, but this week, I could feel it coursing around the body long after I had finished the exercise. I will have finished the 45 days next week, but I think that I will carry on with it as I enjoy them (of course I will need to surrender the sensations at some point). I also have had times of cocyx sensation which would occur at periods as well which was less than a couple of weeks ago, but I do now think that was probably Mystress with the healing of auto-immune issue as I haven't really hit the heights of that moment involunarily (or voluntarily).

My meditations are a little better this week as well. I have been getting swelling of energy during meditation which at times can be quite intense. At one point Thursday, the swelling felt like my torso was shaking and I am not really sure if that was objective reality (where others would notice) or subjective and completely in my own mind.

Also, I have noticed a lot of emotional energy which seems to be coming up a lot. I have been a complete arsehole throughout the week getting irritated about the dumbest of things, lashing out with needless critical comments. I know that I am doing it too (although, one day was too much coffee. I can't drink more than one or I am not pleasant to be around). I am not going to hide behind the meditations and energy involved as an excuse, but thought that I would note it anyway. I need to be better at surrendering the petty irritations rather than act on them. In some situations, I have seen the irritation and not surrendered. I know that I can do better.

I have also continued to read past content here which has been a big help. It ends up answering questions that I may not have had at the time, but perhaps would have in the future. Also, I found an energy healer who is also a nutritionist for my son from this site, so I have plenty of reasons to be optimistic :-)

This week has been more incremental progress. I am finding that the Grounding exercise is evolving more and more. I have been finding that there are more days of sensation emanating from the root chakra which gets stronger after I do a Grounding exercise. I have also felt the sensation of the 'up to bum' (Copyright Fire-Serpent) sensations. Funnily enough, I found (by accident) that if I sit on the edge of my soft which applied pressure to the perineum that this brings about a really pleasant sensation especially when doing the grounding.

I have just read the 'Earth and Sky Energy' lesson and I thought that the lesson was a little unfair to Crowley's teachings. Granted, I do separate Crowley the man from what he taught. Taking within the context of Crowley the man, you find massive faults, but his teachings are much different (you would probably find that with many teachers and not only confined to spirituality). I do find elements of the Patriarch, but also the Matriarch as well. I find that he sees three principles within his Book of the Law. Nuit would be the infinite or a direct correlation to Shakti, in my view and also defined in the first chapter of 'The Book of the Law'. Hadit (second chapter) is referred to as a 'winged snake of light' (Kundalini), while Ra Hoor Khuit would be the third element, or the microcosm of Nuit, in a sense. I interpreted it as Nuit as a vessel for all that there is. Hadit being the method that Ra Hoor Khuit can use to attain the communion with the Divine.

Also, I think that 'Do what thou wilt' is often misunderstood as 'do whatever you want' even within the Thelemite community. I interpret this quite differently. I look at this as to first attaining Knowledge and Conversation with the Holy Guardian Angel (Goddess) and then discovering Divine Will. Once this is learned, then doing that Will in covenant with the HGA and I believe that Crowley has also written this in his texts albeit probably in a more roundabout fashion that how I have paraphrased it here.

In essence, I don't really see a massive difference between what Crowley is teaching and what is listed on this site other than the directness of this website. However, I can't say that I am such a scholar of his teachings, but am familiar with a lot of his work.

Hello Keith,

Quote"Taking within the context of Crowley the man, you find massive faults, but his teachings are much different (you would probably find that with many teachers and not only confined to spirituality). "

What kind of self knowledge can you learn from someone who says one thing and does something else? All teachers make mistakes because we are human. But the notion that Crolwey's own personal beliefs and actions does not have any bearing towards his writings is  a no-go for me. You do not have to 'interpret' Crowley's writings to see he is sexist, racist, and had very messed up ideas about society and humanity in general. I thought about quoting some of his words but this forum is sacred space and those words don't belong here.

Quote"In essence, I don't really see a massive difference between what Crowley is teaching and what is listed on this site other than the directness of this website"

You are in lesson number 8 of a 50+ week DIY course and you have already decided that there is not much difference?
Lesson 2 is about Matriarchy and Goddess worship. You really do not see much difference? Are you grounded Keith?

Hi Gopi

Thanks for your response.

Quote
What kind of self knowledge can you learn from someone who says one thing and does something else? All teachers make mistakes because we are human. But the notion that Crolwey's own personal beliefs and actions does not have any bearing towards his writings is  a no-go for me. You do not have to 'interpret' Crowley's writings to see he is sexist, racist, and had very messed up ideas about society and humanity in general. I thought about quoting some of his words but this forum is sacred space and those words don't belong here.

Regarding Crowley - He is a difficult case to understand because he played up the noteriety in the press and revelled in it. So it is difficult to know fact from fiction and generally the portions which generated the most wide-spread reading also happened to be the things which were sensationalized (which doesn't mean that some of it wasn't true), but I don't pretend to know the mans mind or internal demons. That being said, I don't agree with your synopsis of Crowley - sorry.

There is a school of thought that suggests that Plato recommended the selective breeding of humans. Does that mean that we should all stop reading his work? There are many more authors, musician, poets, etc that had some prejudice towards something, cruel, greedy, etc. Should we not bother with them either? I am not trying to excuse what he said or wrote or whether it was taken in context or out, but pointing out the good work that the guy did. He developed a system which works for raising Kundalini in people. In my mind, that far outweighs the prejudices that Crowley had.

Quote
You are in lesson number 8 of a 50+ week DIY course and you have already decided that there is not much difference?
Lesson 2 is about Matriarchy and Goddess worship. You really do not see much difference? Are you grounded Keith?

At the moment, I see similarities between the Western Mystery Tradition as a whole and what is taught here in my time here. I am not trying to take away from the site itself because I like it very much. The Western Mystery Tradition is a much slower process overall, but some of the themes are things that I am familiar with and there is nothing wrong with that. I don't expect that it will always be this way. As I have said multiple times, I enjoy the directness of the teachings here.

However, I did get the impression that you possibly are offended with my post, Gopi and for that, I apologize. I wasn't trying to offend anyone, but rather that I felt that Crowley was treated a little unfairly and I don't feel that it is such a horrible thing to say. I do feel that you potentially are passing judgment on me while accusing me of doing exactly that with the site, which I am not doing.

Actually, perhaps my mild criticism of perceived Crowley portrayal is a judgement :-)

Gopi - I was writing this post to you and when I did, I had a syncronicity of sorts. My wife was watching a show about Eugenics on the BBC (I don't know the reasons for this) and I was wondering about the time period when Crowley was alive and was it a common belief about races being superior, etc. So it seemed that Goddess was giving the answer around this time - alas, I didn't actually watch the show as I was engrossed in other things. The funny thing was that my wife was mad that I didn't - lol

Again - I am not trying to offend anyone or think that I have 'superior' knowledge of something, so I hope that no one else gets hard feelings about what I have written. If so, I apologize.

Hello Keith,
As a part of FST lineage and as service to Goddess, I am here to help students with FST lessons.

We welcome healthy debates because this is not a cult. We have room for disagreements. That said, the main focus of Tea Room is FST and Kundalini related. As a general rule, we do not comment on others' teachings because 'Different strokes for different folks' and 'Goddess is All'. The lessons themselves have lots of wonderful teachings lovingly curated by Mystress and properly attributed when citing other teachers. Students also share teachings that they find are helpful but the Tea Room is not social media. To be clear, I am not saying that you are using it as social media. Just providing some context. We welcome sharing that is directly related to your personal growth.

Reg. Crowley, Plato, etc - I said 'self knowledge'. Not knowledge of external world.

Quote"He developed a system which works for raising Kundalini in people."

Since you mentioned that you are not a scholar on Crowley,  you  may or may not already know that Crowley borrowed a LOT of Eastern mysticism. He borrowed a lot from Indian patriarchal Tantra and all the baggage that came with it ('saving semen', 'raising up energy', free will based magick, guru system, caste system, pure blood...). So... no. Crowley did not develop a system for raising Kundalini. What he did do was borrow elements from patriarchal Tantra and 'translated' them through a Western mythos.

I am not trying to debate Crowley's contributions (whatever they might be). And I am not offended that you value his contributions. Goddess is All :)

No judgments. No need to apologize. I was just a bit surprised to hear you say 'I don't really see a massive difference between what Crowley is teaching and what is listed on this site'. So I wanted to check-in with you and ask you - Hi Keith! Are you grounded? :)

PS: Hope you don't get discouraged to share updates about your personal growth.

Quote
As a general rule, we do not comment on others' teachings because 'Different strokes for different folks' and 'Goddess is All'.

Quote
So... no. Crowley did not develop a system for raising Kundalini. What he did do was borrow elements from patriarchal Tantra and 'translated' them through a Western mythos.

LOL. Ok.

I get it. You don't like Crowley. However, if it weren't for the Western Mystery Tradition (and not just Crowley), I wouldn't even be at this site, so I did get a foundation there (obviously, I do supplement that practice or I wouldn't be typing this at all :)). Yes, they all took from other spiritual traditions and molded it against the Kabbalah (and credited those traditions), but that was something new at the time of late 19th - early 20th century. If man didn't take cues from others from the past, there would be no great musicians, artists, etc.

I do have a question regarding Kegel. If you follow a book which I believe was recommended on this site (ESO) for couples tantra, it recommends a couple of weeks of Kegel. However, I subsequently read that we shouldn't do Kegel until further along the path as it releases a lot of emotional karma (hopefully, I have that correct).

Can anyone comment on this?

Quote"I get it. You don't like Crowley."

No. You don't get it.
You have made the conclusion that I don't like Crowley. I said Goddess is All.
Just like you decided Crowley "developed a system which works for raising Kundalini in people."
The same way you decided "I don't really see a massive difference between what Crowley is teaching and what is listed on this site other than the directness of this website"

You made these claims, when I asked you further, you deflected and made it look like I was offended. I can only be offended if I hold some value judgment on Crowley. I don't.
Since you apologized, I thought I should provide more context. And hence, my response.

I feel that this thread is becoming unproductive. So I will not respond any further about Crowley stuff here. :)

Namaste!
Gopi


> Italics are reserved to indicate my writing ok? TY. MAS

I didn't deflect, Gopi. I answered.

Quote
At the moment, I see similarities between the Western Mystery Tradition as a whole and what is taught here in my time here. I am not trying to take away from the site itself because I like it very much. The Western Mystery Tradition is a much slower process overall, but some of the themes are things that I am familiar with and there is nothing wrong with that. I don't expect that it will always be this way. As I have said multiple times, I enjoy the directness of the teachings here.

It also wasn't my intention to imply that you were offended, I felt as though I left that option open - thus the phrase 'you possibly are offended with my post'. I wrote about the chance of that being the case (as one can never know with written words). If you weren't - that's great! :-)

I will bump my kegel questions as to not clutter this with more of our debate. 

Quote
I do have a question regarding Kegel. If you follow a book which I believe was recommended on this site (ESO) for couples tantra, it recommends a couple of weeks of Kegel. However, I subsequently read that we shouldn't do Kegel until further along the path as it releases a lot of emotional karma (hopefully, I have that correct).

Can anyone comment on this?

Begeegs wrote: At the moment, I see similarities between the Western Mystery Tradition as a whole and what is taught here in my time here.

 Of course it does, but Crowley is a borrower, he stole from the Golden Dawn, the Rosicrucian (and other masonic trads) and from India. At the root of all of them are the masonic traditions, secrets carried back from the Far East after the crusades. Architecture, astronomy, medicine, mathematics and mysticism. Go even farther back, some of the traditions are Sumerian. Some ancient Egyptian mysteries are actually Greek: Thoth is Hermes is Mercury and all three are associated with Kundalini, writing and wisdom.  The grad ritual is Mayan, translated westernized.

 Ask your discernment, if Crowley was a sociopath. He believed the Goddess could not speak, and his priestesses ended up in the mental hospital. FST, teaches you to hear Her your self. Crowley put a gag on Her and it drove the women insane. Crowley is to the western tradition, what Waco is to Christianity. Way off in a crazy land all his own and pulling followers with him.
He even stole a book title from the Egyptians.
 
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Book_of_Thoth (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Book_of_Thoth)

Quote from: Gopi on Oct 08, 2019, 12:31:05 AM
Hello Keith,
As a part of FST lineage and as service to Goddess, I am here to help students with FST lessons.

Happy to have you helping!

Quote from: Gopi on Oct 08, 2019, 12:31:05 AM

Quote"He developed a system which works for raising Kundalini in people."

Since you mentioned that you are not a scholar on Crowley,  you  may or may not already know that Crowley borrowed a LOT of Eastern mysticism. He borrowed a lot from Indian patriarchal Tantra and all the baggage that came with it ('saving semen', 'raising up energy', free will based magick, guru system, caste system, pure blood...). So... no. Crowley did not develop a system for raising Kundalini. What he did do was borrow elements from patriarchal Tantra and 'translated' them through a Western mythos.

 Messed up sexist racist supremacist Victorian mythos.

  BTW Begeegs.. stop it with the other practices. You are going to get overloaded. Kegels come much later in the course.
  BTW Gopi: stop using italics, ty.

I am clearly not going to agree with you both with Crowley, so I will leave it with these final comments. I don't look at Crowley the man. As a man, he was an egotistical, drug-fueled, trust fund, guy who had a panache within the magical arts. Some of that can be contextualized and others not. He also said and wrote some truly diabolical things, but that charge could be levelled at many. However, within the magical community, his influence and the respect that people have towards him is undeniable even from contemporaries during his life. Whatever his practices within his community were like when he was alive, I do not believe that they reflect modern day practice (at least with magicians that I know).

For me personally, he (along with Jung, and Phil K Dick) was one of the primary influences responsible for shedding me of my deeply held Roman Catholic belief system. I thought that I had shed those ages ago, but having read his (their) works, it was clear that there were still elements which existed. If it weren't for any of those people, it is quite likely that I wouldn't be on this site typing these words, so I have to give credit to their writings.

In case, you haven't noticed, I like debate :-) I like to be given a set of ideas which challenge my own, so although I may disagree, I will investigate what you are saying as it may change my outlook. I don't harbour ill will and I know that I can come across as crass at times (having re-read this thread - it is true), so please accept my apologies Gopi (I did PM you this, but I am not sure if you got it or not).

Ok - to the kegels - I have stopped. I did have an instance of energy after one exercise where it felt like I do when I have way too much coffee - not pleasant and incredibly nervous - yuk!

We are good.
Focus on your lessons.
Namaste!
Gopi

Begeegs wrote:  I am clearly not going to agree with you both with Crowley,
and
although I may disagree, I will investigate what you are saying as it may change my outlook.

  LOL. contradict yourself, much?  No agro.

  The second line is the right attitude. Stay open, let go. Cling to anything it becomes a point of resistance.

The only enlightened Thelemites I ever met, used Crowley as a doorway to the Vedas, and they could clearly see how his misogynistic racist Victorian male ego missed the point.

  You did too, apparently. The point being, either you choose to set the old, free will based magic aside, or Goddess Kundalini keeps kicking your ass for resistance, until you figure out that the rules have changed and that old ego inflating shit doesn't work anymore.  It has turned into, how to shoot yourself in the foot, over and over again.

  I am deeply invested in students remaining sane. Ultimately, out of my hands of course... I have no control over you. How many times Goddess needs to smack you upside the head with a clue-by-four until you get it, is not my call
. My job to warn you,

  Free will based magic (like all the Masonic rooted stuff) is patriarchal, it about increasing personal power (so male ego loves it) and that often means a bigger ego carries a bigger weight, swings more chi, breaks more bricks. Those guys have the hardest time of it, here. The more they are accustomed to being the doer, the harder it becomes to step back and let Goddess take the wheel. The ingrained instinct to take control becomes slippery ego stuff that trips them up over and over.

  You think its accidental that I wrote stuff trashing Crowley that is triggering to some Thelemites?  Warning label, for you. You put your money down, symbolic power on an agreement to learn to surrender to your Divine self, for your ego to become slave to the Divine and be slowly dissolved for self realization. (What happens anyway when K awakens but agreeing to flow along, is ideal)

  If you persist in using magic that promotes your own will, then you are setting yourself up to get your ass kicked hard by Shakti.

  You already got a taste of how bad that can feel eh? The doorway to Kundalini psychosis opened wide and an ill wind blew, wisely you backed away.  No other practices, only grounding and lessons. Especially, no pranayama!  (Hatha Yoga is ok)

  The Shakti charge on the lessons, intention "To each according to their need, and ability but not more than they can handle."  That means your DB is moderating the considerable charge of each lesson, to what you can handle, as much as you can handle and adding anything more is too much.  Grounding is self-shaktipat, but cleansing too. It is natural, balanced and establishing it as hard wired habit is essential for being able to stay grounded when the shadow lessons are triggering the more deeply hidden stuff.  Grounding is anti-psychosis medicine. Get good at it, This is a fire path. 

  If it weren't for any of those people, it is quite likely that I wouldn't be on this site typing these words, so I have to give credit to their writings.

Many things can be influences, one big influence of my parents was showing me who I did *not* want to be.  FST was written after a serious back injury sidelined a very active, athletic lifestyle.  That does not mean I would recommend bad parenting and spinal injury as a good path for spiritual growth!  That would be barbaric. 

  The point of faith is, Goddess unconditional love and infinite wisdom, can always find a better way. I asked for a better way, and this is it. FST.

  In some ways I did the same as he, interpreting the ancient for the modern mind... except I am a Shaman devoted to the planet and I asked Her about the prehistorical matrifocal tantra of the ancient Dravidians- pre Aryan invasion, before it was reinterpreted by Aryan patriarchy. Already ascended, time travelled it.

   She only showed me what was useful for awakened people, so it was stripped of political trappings and superstitions. 

In case, you haven't noticed, I like debate :-)

Ego loves debate, it is a power game centered in the power chakra.  Not having much ego means not giving two shits for that game.

I am not a dictator, that would not work for teaching people to be self reliant and trust their own inner guidance. Questioning the teachings, is allowed, of course.  I will always strive to answer sincere questions but debate for its own sake?  That sort of ego wanking, needs to get a room. I got no time for it. Your blog space, write what you feel, I am glad you chose to make one. Don't be surprised if efforts to engage debate fall flat because, people do not come here, to play that game.

  How about examining your attachments and surrendering them instead of arguing to keep them? Stuff gets triggered, to be surrendered. Ego can argue all day long but listening only empowers it.

Mystress - my two sentences about my like of debate was meant for Gopi to convey that I do not harbour hard feelings regading our exchange. The rest of my posts leading up to Lesson 8 haven't said much about anything at all outside of experiences (if any), so you can see that I do not debate here at all prior to Lesson 8. I do understand that at some point old structures will die within the Kundalini process and I am not wedded to anything (outside of my wife - lol). For me, 'Do what thou wilt' is about Divine Will. I do not know what my calling is here until I can have that union with Goddess, so if I have to give up the ghost of Crowley at some point to reach those heights - so be it (of course, that would be the ultimate irony).

This past week was an interesting week in what I already noted with the Kegels. That was really the only bad blip. Outside of that, it has been normal. I generally meditate daily at least once and am surrendering a lot with analytical distraction that pops up. Some days are better than others. When the analytical mind dies away after some minutes, generally, I have issues with staying afloat within consciousness. If I let go, I will likely doze which seems detrimental to the whole exercise, so I have been trying to watch the hypnagogia while remaining lucid. I don't get very far yet. It seems like it is mind muscle/karma related.

Towards the end of the week, I felt more energy. I also did understand what it meant to be a vampire although it wasn't my intention (it may not be vampires intention either). I seemed to feel an energy or juiced around the times when both Gopi and Mystress responded to this thread a couple of times (not every time). I also felt that when emotions stir a bit within me that it seems that the energy body can also become charged. So that was my biggest takeaway on the week.

From this weeks lesson, I found it interesting within the context of the Tree of Life. It feels similar conceptually, but some subtle differences with male/female aspects. Either way - enjoyable regardless. As I state above, I am not wedded to anything, but only noting what I have learned thus far; not by direct experience, mind.

I will combine a couple of the lessons here as an update. To me, it does seem that the Shakti charge of the course is gradually getting stronger or potentially the amount that I can handle is better. I read Lesson 10 and felt it immediately whereas before, I wasn't actually feeling it straightaway. Unfortunately, I was at work, so I wasn't able to go into meditation without fear of being interrupted.

I am feeling this airy quality, but it seems to encompass my head and upper torso (including arms). This is happening more and more easy than before. I have also gotten better with surrendering thoughts, emotions, etc. Not really much else to report outside of this for now.

Quote from: begeegs on Oct 14, 2019, 04:33:40 AM
Mystress - my two sentences about my like of debate was meant for Gopi to convey that I do not harbour hard feelings regading our exchange.

  Who do you think you are talking to?  You think I do not see the ego dance and the power games that you were enjoying? It is my job to see that stuff eh? To point it out,  to support you. 

  Gopi is an FST grad, Lineage and Ascended. His direct ancestors are those whose tantra I teach, he was raised in what remains of pre-Aryan, matrifocal Dravidian culture in India, he genuinely does not give a shit about Crowley, or western magic in general.  He is a teaching professor, so doubtless quite skilled at debating without being emotionally involved.

    Suggesting (insisting!) that he was in any way hurt or offended by the thread is purely manipulative, a negative projection.  Putting him down as being out of control emotionally, to build yourself up, as the calm one in the exchange.  Seriously, we could take a poll, your behavior was that transparent.

  Oh,... hes got the female social consciousness gene activated too, it effectively nullifies his own male ego and makes male ego activity in others, transparently obvious. Your little debate was not at all, what you thought it was.

  He had no interest in debate, or in anything but to help and support you, and you used his attention to play ego games.  You were a pretty lame debater too, avoidance of hard questions. You never did answer his one persistent question, ARE YOU GROUNDED?

  Know why he kept asking?  One benefit of being well grounded and fed from source means you lose all interest in the types of power games people play to steal life energy from each other.... and from that place, other people's power games become really, transparently obvious.   

    Gopi is not interested in power games, I am not interested, we are grounded. You are the one still learning to get past them. Own it.

   I am not upset with you either.  This is just part of your growing, your learning curve and nothing new to me. It showed up here because it was supposed to, so it could be addressed.

  Before you waste more time with protestations and denial, you might want to consider how the primary use of discernment is to find out where you are lying to yourself to protect your ego.

  I know you are smart and can do better, and you want to. It is the wanting to, that matters most. Dedication to growing.

  This disrespectful behavior will cease once you wake up to it.

  In the meantime, .. you know from experience, and from being told, that opening a new lesson will bring an energy download so why would you deliberately choose to open a lesson at work and piss all that energy away? WHY.
  You knew you would not really be able to access the value, at work yet you did it anyway. WHY.

  Rhetorical question, answer it for yourself. Identify the fear that motivates the disrespect.

Regarding my Gopi exchange, yes, I think that I understand what you are saying regarding projections. I was feeling badly about the exchange and projected that onto him. I do not wish to create animosity with anyone and that is probably something that has been with me for a very long time and something that I need to release.

As far as the Shakti charges goes, I am lucky enough to have a job to be able to work from home about 95% of the time, so I have a meditation practice in the afternoon and one in the late eve (usually - if I am not too tired). I was in the office yesterday and had a meeting room to myself, so I read the lesson. Generally, the charges seem to kick in 1-2 days later, in my experience. I thought that this one would be the same and I was wrong. I was able to meditate, but not as deeply as I would like as I got pestered after about 30 minutes. My issues here are probably three-fold - impatience and eagerness (yes - the ego of rushing and being in control of the process, which I know that I am not, but old habits die hard) and probably a projection of how others are viewing me because of the guilt that I am projecting of being able to work from home, so I feel that I should be available at all times. Or in essense, probably an issue of controlling perception. To summarize - it is all control issues :-) I know that one (control the process) is an old one and the work one is newer.

I guess my question would be is there is an ideal time or practice which one does after a lesson? Generally, I will meditate which is started by grounding, but I don't recall reading anything written about it here, unless I missed it.

I have continued with the grounding at the normal amounts and hit the 45 days a couple of weeks back, but it feels like something has changed this week with it. I am feeling more and more vibrating sensation along with a heat/tingleness around arms and heart. Sometimes this tingling can be felt around the crown as well. This feels like a natural extension of the airy feeling that I would get not long ago, so the foundation of the grounding seems to be now bearing fruit.

On another positive note, I started doing Chi Kung last year in November in addition to my magic practices. I don't do Chi Kung any more as I started to do this course, but since I started the energy work, I haven't been ill in a year. I am not a sickly person, but that still astounded me. I normally will get a cold a couple of weeks out of the year and sometimes other ailments, but it seems that the energy work has really dilluted any potential illness and the effects that illness could have. I never would have thought that doing some simple breathing exercises like the full breath or even grounding would have such an impact in my general well-being and for that I am very grateful. :-)

Congrats on completing your 45 days practice.

Quote"I never would have thought that doing some simple breathing exercises like the full breath or even grounding would have such an impact in my general well-being"

And you're just getting started... Goddess has plenty of wonderful things planned for you!
When you arrive at your insights through personal experience (like you did with your grounding practice and health), there is no need to convince or advertise or argue with anyone else. Your truth is yours.

Thank you for sharing your progress.
Namaste
Gopi

Thank you for your kind words, Gopi. This course has given me a lot of optimism and I hope that it continues. I had a longer period of an Active Imagination session the other morning. Usually these sort of things are quite fleeting to me, but yesterday it kept going for longer than normal, so there is some stamina being built up which I am thankful to Goddess for.

I am now on the opening of the Heart Chakra lesson. I sense that this will be more difficult than other lessons. Granted, I have only had one day, but I have an episode that I keep coming back to which gives me pause. I was initiated into Reiki a long while ago (After reading about Quantum Theory not long after my initiation, I realized that I should have kept my cash and not done this), I had a session in training with someone who tried to heal me in redions of the body with her intuition. She went over my knee (which I had a recent operation on) and then kept going back to the heart region. She actually gave me my fathers name over the heart. I don't know what it meant nor did she as she was training like I was. For a long while, in my life, I have struggled with compassion. I have gotten much better over the years, but I do have fears (which I try to release) that this lesson will not work. It feels like there a sort of switch here which I should be able to trigger which is probably so simple. However, it is only day 1 of this lesson, so I will crack on in the hopes that I can figure it out :-)

During this week, I have felt a bit more pressure in the heart region. I am feeling a sort of tightness which wasn't present before. During last nights meditation, I felt a physical pressure which emanated from the feet and pushed through the chest around the heart. There wasn't emotion attached, but just a sort of physical sensation. I haven't yet heard anything from the heart from feelings/words/etc, but I will carry on. Not a lot else to report.

Ok - I think that I now know what the heart voice should sound like. I had a couple of very very faint things last week, but last night seemed to be more solid. When I asked about blockages in the heart region and then just relaxed and waited, I heard a specific name which wasn't my fathers name, but similar. I knew that it was my cousin and this made much more sense to me and probably what the Reiki healer told me many years ago. When I asked if there was anything more and the word 'Stress' came to me which was general, but my question was also very general. I will keep practicing, but it looks like a breakthrough for now. It wasn't a voice per se, but rather words which popped up when I was meditating.

I have had a good week with the work this week. I feel like Goddess is granting the Shakti charge and it last longer throughout the week. The continued grounding brings about more of a sustained charge, I feel. I had a couple of episodes with the heart voice, but that was the exception rather than the rule. That being said, I feel that with practice, that will get better.

I also felt that the shakti charge of the lesson is pointed to the lesson which surprised me. I felt more heat in the heart region this week, so perhaps I am relating the charges with the lesson when there is no relation, but it seemed that it was working synchronously with the lesson.

The last couple of weeks have been quite hectic with travelling for work. I have continued the grounding practices, but some days, I was so busy that I couldn't meditate properly which was annoying. I found that during this time, I had a couple of instances in which I thought that it could have been the heart voice, but on retrospect, it was probably hypnagogia. I was doing the waking the snakes last week and this occurred because I meditated not long after I woke up (I won't be doing this again - lol!). There were days in which the grounding seemed to really heat up the body, but because I didn't feel that I was in a regular practice, there isn't really much to note on here. :-/

Another interesting week with some things and one which has been floating on the horizon for a long while now. From a FST point of view, it has been good as I found that my heart voice gave me an answer which was not what I expected. Granted, this could also have been hypnogogia as I was in a trance, but now I wonder. I have gone to explore the heart to see what could have 'hardened' it and have tried some forgiveness exercises and asked Goddess for help. It resulted even in a lucid dream last night in which one of the characters (who represents my shadow) had a conversation with me. I can't remember all of the details. I will continue to crack on.

On another note, I am feeling that I am more and more indifferent to fear frpm politics, things like climate change, or even my son (who has autism). I am more apt to just surrender this fear although with the son, it can be hard. When I was doing a grounding exercise last week, my son decided to come an sit on my lap (he is 5) at that moment which was odd.

This has been another good week in the meditation department as well as unexpected reactions. I have been having some instances of more empathy for others which I think is a good thing as I could have been accused of being pretty cold and lacking in empathy in the not so distant past (by myself mainly - lol). There were points where I felt close to tears when recounting a conversation that I had with someone who spoke of their struggles with their own autistic child or even emotions about someone on television getting emotional - it seems crazy to even type that.

In addition, I have also felt some interesting physical sensation with my meditations. Generally, I will meditate with slow deep breaths with a longer deeper out breath. I have really enjoyed this meditation for a long while and try to 'transmute' anything which comes up as a distraction during these sessions. Recently, I added 5 point breathing which I learned from Dr. Glenn Morris teachings which has been quite good. Granted, I spend most of this on the palms and feet with a lighter emphasis on the head as with too much emphasis, I can get a headache. I haven't spent loads of time on this. Most of my time in meditation is usually on feet or breath. I had an instance of feeling this deep column of energy a little wider than the spine coming up from my feet and upwards, but it wasn't a huge sort of feeling. I just felt that the energy was very dull and powerful. It was nice and happened once. I don't recall how far this went upwards. Since this time, my root chakra has been pretty active.

I have other things going on which I will likely post in a more long winded post, but probably needs more reflection on how to phrase it :-)

 
  Hmmm...

  I keep suggesting you stop all other practices and you keep posting about your other practices.  These forced breathing pranayama meditations are not surrender and not compatible with FST. They are designed to awaken kundalini and not meant to be continued after. Those practices were very deliberately left out of FST because they are a form of resistance and cause problems.

  You will get a lot more value out of observing the breath than controlling it. Soul meditation.

Thanks for the reply, Mystress.

Ok - I will stop with the 5 fold breathing. To be honest, I haven't really been doing it as much since my last post because of the headaches. It was more like 4 fold breathing :-)

  This course is about letting go of ego, surrendering it. If you prefer to feed ego with control based practices then why are you here?

  Pranayama- any type of meditation that exercises control of the body by controlling the breathing is #1 on my top ten list of practices that cause kundalini psychosis, it is notorious for it.
  FST fire path plus pranayana? Hell, NO. Dangerous!

  Headaches are the first sign that you are triggering more energy than your body can handle. Your crown is closing and that is the body going into resistance, and it is resisting Kundalini that does damage to body and mind. Next up, triggering more karma than your mind can handle, Shakti takes a whack at some deeply cherished belief you are not ready to let go, and it comes up before you are ready because of your pushing too hard... and we get into logjam territory, mood swings then psychosis.

  I am deeply invested in my students staying sane, the whole of FST is designed with that goal in mind. On rare occasions in the past, I have removed someone rather than allow them to continue to use my art to harm themselves.  You seem to want to act like my advice is a joke. I assure you it is not.

Mystress, I do not feel like I am treating your advice like a joke. I am not sure why you have that impression. It is quite the contrary. I don't want to go into massive detail on the forum, but only to say that I am quite committed to this course.

I thought that I had read on the forum that you used to be involved with Glenn Morris and his techniques some time ago, but I may have misread/misunderstood it. I assumed that this was ok, but you have said that it isn't, so I stopped.

I have gone back to observing the breath and concentrating on the feet as per the instruction with the Heart Chakra instruction.

You have mentioned 'controlled' breathing being ego-based. When I meditate, I do slow deep breaths - would this be considered ego-based as a result? I am not trying to be facetious with the question - it is a genuine question. I had an issue with losing consciousness (sleep) with normal breathing, so a long, long while ago, I changed it which helped as I no longer have the issue unless I am lying flat on my back and am quite tired.

Thanks for the response.

I am now a bit worried about what I wrote earlier, so I wanted to clarify a bit more. I think that I may have read that on another forum and not this one (The Dao Bums). It was that forum that I found out about this course initially. I wasn't insinuating anything with my comment earlier.


Yes - I am aware that I am probably projecting alot with my worries (with apologies).

And with that, back to bed - hopefully.

Hello Keith,
As you can see for yourself, Mystress does not like to give energy to fears.
There is wisdom in warnings about real dangers.
Sometimes people are drawn towards warnings and want to poke around maybe because humans are fundamentally curious creatures.
(Like Tina from Bob's Burgers - https://bit.ly/2ZhfNPb )
Fear can fixate us and worrying feeds doer-based ego.
We all know how serious climate change is. And there have been doomsday cults all throughout history.
We acknowledge and respect the life wisdom behind fear but never give in to fear else everything we do will be based on paranoia.

Before K awakens, it is acceptable and sometimes necessary to build external discipline and Chi energy - yoga, karate, martial arts, etc.
Once K awakens, the only imperative is surrender to Goddess.
Not saying you should stop doing exercises. But no forced breathing (pranayama).
Also, many systems like Reiki may be useful but are still based on duality (hence the necessity for symbols and rituals).
K is pure evolutionary life force.
We are the ones who need myths, beliefs, religions, and rituals in order to understand the cosmic intelligence using our tiny little brains.
Shakti Herself does not give a damn what you call Her - She who resides in All.

I will even challenge you on this. Where do you think Reiki and all the other systems come from?
She is All. She is the inspiration and source of All.
Why cling to human made systems when you have a chance to learn directly from Goddess?
If we are busy holding on to what we already know, then how will we experience and create new things that Goddess wills to express through us?

Quote"You have mentioned 'controlled' breathing being ego-based. When I meditate, I do slow deep breaths - would this be considered ego-based as a result?"

Doing slow breaths is ok. Just don't push it. Trust your body. If you are forcing something, you will know. Your body will tell you. You do not have to control your breath to take slow deep breaths. If you simply observe how breath enters and exits you, then after a few seconds your breathing will automatically adjust to your body's pace.

In Hindu religion, there is a God called Krishna who plays the flute.
There is a belief that our human body is the flute and God breathes into His instrument to make lovely music :)
We often believe that we need to do something in order to achieve something - which is normally true.
In the course of our spiritual journey, we reach a point where the only thing that is blocking you is your own effort.
Those of us who grew up practicing disciplined rituals like martial arts may have a difficult time accepting 'don't do anything'.
We are used to doing and being in control of how things progress.
K is about receiving gracefully (hence empty your vessel through surrender) and being grateful for life (both good and bad).

Glad to hear that you are committed to your own sanity and well-being.
We want you to be happy and healthy as Goddess intended; hence the caution.
Happy holidays.

Namaste!
Gopi

*Clarification:
When I said "Not saying you should stop doing exercises." what I meant was physical exercise. It is ok to do physical exercise to keep our body healthy and active.

Thank you for your response Gopi (btw - a big LOL for that video). As you may have gathered, this course is quite a departure from other things that I have done in the past :-) With all of my other practices, they almost always are reliant upon ego from a ritualistic perspective to the forced breathing of the Tao. I was even indoctrinated a very long while ago into Reiki when I first cut my teeth. It has been a long journey to get to this point.

I have been enjoying the simplicity and non-bs teachings of Mystress here probably because it is a challenge to my psyche. There are so many different things which seem to make sense that I am not used to from the Heart Voice or as you say 'listening to the body'. These are new for me and quite challenging. I have had limited success to date.

Thankfully, with the slow deep breathing alongside the course, I haven't had adverse effects.

However, after reading your post, I would wonder - how would one know if Kundalini is active? Would it be pretty obvious? I read accounts here of something more subtle which I think is the goal here. Also, the involuntary version which is something more dramatic. For the record, I don't believe that my K is active yet although I have had snippets of activity.

Have a great holiday season with your family! All the best for the New Year!

Quote"These are new for me and quite challenging. I have had limited success to date."

May be because you are not allowing yourself to?
If you are already full of expectations and externally acquired beliefs about what your journey has to be, then you are missing out on what is available for you in the present.
I empathize with you that sometimes it is not easy to give-up what has been second-nature so far. Be patient with yourself.
You have been led here by your own higher guidance.
So trust that whatever is meant to happen for you will happen at a pace that Goddess wills.
We are what we repeatedly do.

Ground. Surrender. Gratitude.
Rinse. Lather. Repeat.

Quote"how would one know if Kundalini is active?"

Please see FAQ answered by Mystress about K awakening - http://fire-serpent.com/fstfaq.html#fst5

begeegs wrote:
Mystress, I do not feel like I am treating your advice like a joke. I am not sure why you have that impression.

   When I tell you stop other practices and you tell me you are using new other practices, and still continuing with the previous.  Yes I am talking about the deep breathing meditations. You are controlling the breath for those.

  I understand why it would seem ok to continue from Gopi's perspective, he is on a different path. He was born into a Goddess worship culture, he did not have the long road back that you are facing. Rather, trying to understand how men can become so isolated from the Goddess is part of his current quest.  You went so far one way and now need to stop all of it, to find the road back.

  The rest of his responses are excellent, he has a lot of insight to offer you. (Good work, Gopi!)

  I will tell you how much breath control work is in FST.
  Take a deep breath after surrendering something.
  That's it, and it is something the body does naturally when there is a release. Like, coming home after work, slipping off your shoes and settling into the comfy chair, deep breath and sigh of release as the body lets go the stresses of the day, is a natural thing.

  There is a lesson, grounding in one breath, it actually takes two breaths and it is is more about the visualization.

  The only real worthwhile type of pranayama is when Goddess controls it, and you experience that awesomeness by persistently observing the breath. You feel Her presence too, when She is breathing you.


I am quite committed to this course.

  I feel that you are, and sorry to dump coal in your stocking. More than that, I think you need FST... not something I would usually say.

  I know I have said it before: Chi fed guys, who have done a lot of free will based magic or martial arts have the hardest time of it when k awakens because being the doer is such an ingrained habit, it takes them away from being able to connect with the Goddess. It can get extreme.

   This week I had some chi fed guy mansplaining to me how yin energy (the Goddess)  does not really exist and the universe is entirely yang. Seriously mansplaining, he opened with a comment that he thought I might be perceptive enough to understand him. Chi fed egos can grow THAT big... To connect with the Goddess you have to set ego aside, and they cannot, they think their ego is the universe.  Free Will is Goddess law, so his belief She does not exist will be validated by his own reflection and he won't ever know what he is missing.

  He is evidence that it is possible to go so far down the free will path that it becomes impossible to turn back.  You are not that far, but I understand the struggle you face... better than you do.  A lot of this is 180 degrees from what you learned before.  Like you went down a road, then turned back and you are seeing the other side of everything you saw before. It is also like... you do not make much progress toward surrender goals until you have retraced your steps. All that must be un-learned.   


I thought that I had read on the forum that you used to be involved with Glenn Morris and his techniques some time ago, but I may have misread/misunderstood it. I assumed that this was ok, but you have said that it isn't, so I stopped.

  oooooookayyyyyyy yeah, that would be a wrong idea. Glad you explained it so I can clarify for you. Had to take a little time out in writing because my thoughts about Glenn and Susan kept turning into a bit of a rant in my mind and I prefer not to speak ill of the dead.

   There was a widely accepted idea going around in the late 90s, "It is not really kundalini awakening unless you went insane for a while."  My discernment did not like it, Goddess has no need to do that to people. It felt like somebody's lame excuse for their failure to guide people past the pitfalls. That was part motivation for writing FST, because people deserved better than someone riding roughshod over their sanity and blaming Kundalini when they break, or taking a student's breakdown as validation of their shaktipat power.   

  In 2005 I was a guest teacher for two of Glenn and Susan's kundalini intensive weekends, and I sat in on a couple of his classes but kept falling asleep just like university. I sat in on part of Susan's classes then took to patrolling the outside of the building to take care of the casualties that were fleeing the room to go cry, barf in the bushes or rage. She was doing advanced practices to novices to make herself look powerful and providing no aftercare whatsoever when they broke. "It is not really kundalini awakening unless you went insane for a while." taken to its worst conclusion, triggering breakdowns to prove kundalini so she could be the big shaktimama. That was the reason I kicked her out of my tribe and washed my hands of her.

  Glenn was a martial artist, he was pretty open about his tech coming from an ancient Chinese book he had translated.  The old Chinese stuff is all patriarchal, controlling and frequently quite misogynistic. Chinese take on things always seems to go that way, like they took the gentle tenets of zen and wrote "the Art of War." Glenn was not sexist, not a mystic either. He often used the wrong terms for things mystical and really didn't care. When I taught a class after him I had to first straighten out the terminology.

  What Glenn called the Void, is actually the Astral. When I asked him about the non-dual void, he said "yeah been there, white light, nobody home." That is not the Void either, it is the Godhead dimension. For a chi path, attaining the Godhead is pinnacle, they experience being God and think there is no where else to go... but for a surrender based path of ascension, the Godhead is only a waystation, non essential. I could write a visualization that would take you there, just a I will take you to the starry Void in a later lesson but I find no benefit to it. He said he was a Kali worshipper but seemed to have no knowledge of the Starry Void, Goddess womb.  When you attain it yourself, in one of the last lessons you will have surpassed his knowledge.     

  Both of them, so sure that going insane was part of the kundalini process that they made little effort to protect their seekers sanity. Ego.
  Not on my watch!  People deserve a better quality of care. 

I had an issue with losing consciousness (sleep) with normal breathing, so a long, long while ago, I changed it which helped as I no longer have the issue unless I am lying flat on my back and am quite tired.

  If your body wants to sleep, let it sleep. Dreams give insights, kundalini can be quite active in sleep, when your conscious mind and ego are out of the way. Powernaps and reset button naps are very helpful for awakening.
  On the way to sleep you pass through the hypnotic state and again on waking, so if you are wondering about something as you are drifting off, you will likely wake with insights.  Same for prayers, problem solving, requests for aid. Stop fighting the sleep your body wants and flow with it, use napping it as a source of balance and insights.

  Bet you expected me to respond with some advice how to stay awake... ;) That would be control, I teach surrender and flow.

  No, not planning to boot you, just felt at a loss trying to get you to understand what you were doing, is dangerous. Glad you have stopped.

  Merry xmas, if you celebrate it. I mostly don't but that does not stop me wishing others well. I know it is very important for many people.

Quote"trying to understand how men can become so isolated from the Goddess is part of his current quest."

Hmm... I never thought of it like that but after reading your words, it feels apt. Thank you Mystress.

Quote"Goddess has no need to do that to people. It felt like somebody's lame excuse for their failure to guide people past the pitfalls. That was part motivation for writing FST, because people deserved better than someone riding roughshod over their sanity and blaming Kundalini when they break, or taking a student's breakdown as validation of their shaktipat power. "

Again... thank you Mystress.

I would like to add this in agreement to your point.
I have noticed that teachers sometimes also pass along their own fears and insecurities along with their experiences if they are not fully ascended.
There are a lots of gurus who have made a whole business model out of granting shaktipat to anyone and everyone.
I wonder how many of them really understand the karma feedback they are signing up for.
A lot of people who seek out teachers are genuinely searching for help to make sense of their lives.
It makes me angry to see that trust betrayed and handled carelessly by so called gurus.
A part of the marketing strategy that is very appealing esp. to male ego is 'hardcore' spirituality.
A very masochistic and twisted perspective on life - the more you suffer, the better.

I was watching a documentary on Netflix about a self-help guru who pushes people to do uncomfortable things.
Three people died in a sweat lodge and he was arrested.
After his release, he rationalizes to himself and others that those three deaths were a part of a lesson for him.
That kind of arrogance makes me sick to my stomach.
I have seen Indian gurus do similar things - blame people who go into K psychosis as not spiritually evolved.
Yoga gurus who turn up the heat and make meditation almost a competitive spectatorship sport.

I am grateful that I found FST.
I am happy that I continued to do my lessons despite setbacks and challenges.
And I feel very lucky to have a teacher like Mystress and a loving community of wonderful seekers from all over the world.

Thanks for the responses Mystress and Gopi! Hope that you had a good New Year. Unfortunately, for me, I was in bed by half 10 - lol. Staying up to see the same fireworks display doesn't hold any allure for me anymore, I'm afraid.

BTW - Gopi - what was the Netflix documentary? That sounds interesting :-)

I have shifted to normal breathing over the past week and things were good :-) I was in Spain with the in-laws over the past 10 days or so. I have had some troubles with the heartvoice which I referred to as the limited success, but one night just before I had grounded before a meditation, I had some Spanish language asking me if I understood, etc. which was fragmented and odd. I was staying in a old home in the countryside. I more or less let it go and had a good meditation afterwards. I did have some instances of what I would think was the heartvoice, but not in a meditational sense. It was more with comments on things before they occured. For instance, I was reading the Witness State lesson and there was a comment which was pertinent to the lesson which was interesting.

When practicing the Witness State, I found something which really helped me. Even my wife remarked on it when I let emotion go though me while witnessing everything. She was expecting a different reaction to events from me which was quite funny. I found that some of the old triggers are having less and less of a hold. Hopefully I can continue to build on this.

Begeegs : I did have some instances of what I would think was the heart voice, but not in a meditational sense. It was more with comments on things before they occurred. For instance, I was reading the Witness State lesson and there was a comment which was pertinent to the lesson which was interesting.

  Yup yup yup! Mine used to do that when I was a kid, especially commenting on spiritual books. I read a few books by Lobsang Rampa, he was not a real Tibetan lama but I did not know that then... but the heart made it clear some of what I was reading was not true, like drilling a hole on your forehead to open the third eye.

  No, you do not have to be in a trance to hear the heart voice, that would be of limited use. It helps to be grounded.  I am curious what it said about the Witness state lesson? Ultimate feedback, really, lol.

  The Spanish voice was likely a ghost or imprinted impression from the past... though for some an experience like that is the opening of telepathic abilities. 

Hi Mystress

I believe that the word was 'disassociation' that came up. I was pleased with this as the word didn't originate from my own thoughts, so I thought that it was heart voice related.

The Spanish voice was odd. There are times when I have done a lot of something in repetition and upon falling asleep (like driving a car, working, etc), I have hypnagogic imagery/phrasing which is related to what I was doing. As I can really only speak Spanish with the equivalency of a 5 year old, it could have been related to hypnagogia (I had to interact with family with my limited vocabulary). One of the phrases was 'entiendes' (aka - do you understand?) which caught me a bit cold as I hadn't ever heard another language from the unconscious before.

This week has been good with meditations with normal breathing. At times, it felt like there was more energy which was swelling and hinted at something more powerful which was enjoyable. I have continued with transmutation (or so I think) of distractions or items which I would think probably were evolutions of thought which has built up over time (ie - fantasies of grandeur). I do seem to have a ceiling with the meditations and hypnagogia, but it seems that it kicks in after about 40 minutes and if I hadn't had enough sleep the night prior. One episode was an image of a dog who went running through the water. I believe that I told the dog to shake the water off only to emerge from the hypnagogia with myself having assumed the role of the dog and shaking in the physical which was amusing.

I felt that the lesson resonated on many fronts (rushing things). In the past, I have been trying to force through things with the chi-related/deep-breathing exercises whereas recently, I haven't done so. I thought that I needed the deep breathing exercises to avoid sleep issues, but upon reflection, it doesn't appear that is the case. I just need to sleep properly as my last couple of weeks in Spain told me. I was able to meditate late in the evening without issues when I had proper sleep.

I believe that the word was 'disassociation' that came up.

 Yeah Witness is that. Out of body, above ego. Temporarily disassociated from both. Some folks do get stuck there accidentally (not from my practice but others, or trauma) and mistake the lack of emotion for depression. Getting stuck out of body is clinical detachment.

 I do think the Spanish voice was a ghost trying to reach you. All psychic info comes through the unconscious. Some pretty impressive clairaudience ya got.  

I do seem to have a ceiling with the meditations and hypnagogia, but it seems that it kicks in after about 40 minutes and if I hadn't had enough sleep the night prior.  

 Sounds protective, like a breaker switch. Apply gratitude.

 In the symbolic language of the unconscious mind, water represents spiritual energy and dog represents body instinct.
 
 Sometimes when I play a computer game a lot before bedtime, especially if it is a timed game that requires more concentration, the game keeps happening behind my eye lids after I have gone to bed. Imagine closing your eyes and seeing Tetris blocks falling...  The effect is quite common I think, gamer friends have mentioned it.  

In the past, I have been trying to force through things

... and that approach just does not work with Kundalini. We can set up circumstances for things to happen, like grounding or observing the breath, but we cannot force the Goddess.  We persist in the practice, things happen but we cannot force that. Yin: passive, receptive, allowing.

 Sometimes the biggest stumbling block can be, trying too hard instead of allowing.  Yoda said "there is no try" but here there is no "do" either. We do not "use the Force." Jedi are chi fed.

 I read a story, I think it was in "Autobiography of a Yogi" about a female yogi in India who always walked around naked. She went to a temple to join one of those spiritual debates eastern Gurus like to have, but the men went whaaa whaaa sexist noises. She responded, "We are all female (receptive) to the Goddess" and it shut them up, inarguable.

This week has been a good week as far as Shakti goes. I found myself doing silly things in the past where I would do a new lesson and then meditate immediately afterwards which this week, I had a thought of how ridiculous that actually was. I can't control when Goddess grants the Shakti comes. I suppose that I can negotiate, but perhaps I am not advanced enough to actually do this yet.

The day after the initial reading of the Grounding in One Breath lesson, I had a big blast of Shakti, presumably from the lesson. It came on when I was at work, but also at a time when I had to work late and everyone had left or was in the process of leaving. I decided to meditate at that point as to listen to the body and I was lucky enough that this came at an opportune time to do so. Perhaps I am recycling that initial blast from the lesson or Goddess has decided that I can handle more (or both), but it seemed significantly more than I recall. Since that day (Thursday), I have seen more of an effect from grounding which has been nice.

Last night, I woke up to a sound which seemed loud, but I do know that this could have originated from the unconscious. I saw a shadow leaving our bedroom, so I assumed that my wife was checking on my son. However, I didn't hear anything else, nor did my wife return, so I moved my hand to find her in bed. Wow - that was odd. lol!

I can't remember where I read this, but I seem to remember reading that when you get heat from Shakti, that it is Shakti burning up blockages or coming up upon them. It seems like that is where I am at this week. I felt a lot of heart burn this week (even now) despite not eating/drinking anything which may cause this prior. It seemed like that was where a lot of the energy was focussed and I didn't have the massive influx of energy that I experienced last week.

I have started to notice things before they happen. It is a sort of knowing. This has increased recently. One came from a word that popped into my head about 30 seconds to 1 minute before it happened in a film. I was watching 'The Irishman' on Netflix and a word popped into my head which had me confused for nearly 1 minute or so before it happened in the film which was amusing.

I have had a couple of excellent meditations along with some realizations which seem to have helped alot. I was laying in bed last night thinking about some imagery from the unconscious when I meditated on Monday. I saw some really black reflective rock. It seemed to be everywhere and then there was a figure in black with a completely white face. I wasn't scared, but it was slightly uncomfortable, so I came out of it. When I resumed back, I thought that it was silly to be weirded out by the unconscious, so I went back and saw the same figure, but with a smaller figure walking alongside the larger one. I then saw a sort of carnival atmostphere which was on the left side of my vision and the figures approaching the carnival on the right. When these figures walked towards a part of the carnival, the carnival disappeared. I came out of it as I was concerned that I would get too involved into the image and could fall asleep.

I lay awake thinking about this and realized that this was likely the stillness in the meditation and carnival being the monkey mind. Also, I should have gone with the imagery and not be alarmed or try to interact as this usually brings me out of a trance. I always wondered how Jung did it in the Red Book.

Today, I simply let go and didn't worry about imagery (none came) and this did allow me to go deeper which I was very happy with. I am doing the conscious saying aloud what is listed in 'The Diving Beloved', but haven't really had any results just yet. I am sure that they will come with more time.

This has been an interesting week. I started 'Reversed Gender' lesson on Wednesday and that evening, I was hit by a powerful Shakti blast. It was more than a few weeks prior and lasted for about 3 hours. I am thinking that the energy from the lessons (or perhaps something else) gets stronger as my body can tolerate more Shakti? This time the energy sensation seems to be moving upwards, so I felt it in my head as well. This has migrated over the weeks since the beginning of the lessons, so I am thinking that it is cleaning up a path. I also felt an interesting sort of heart sensation and have been having them a lot this week. These aren't painful, but at times can feel like the heart is pounding out of the chest. I also have felt more of a warmth when saying things in the previous lesson either out loud or internal, so this is bearing fruit.

I have also had a series of dreams which are related to kundalini. Last night seemed to be the strangest. It showed that there was a plant (looking like a cross between cannabis and wheat) which brought about kundalini. It grew in the most barren of places, but once it started to grow, it didn't stop. I saw someones back garden which looked like hard arid ground had this plant growing in a few places. I then had a Christian book which showed Christ holding this plant and when I looked at the cover, I got hit with a massive wave of energy which made me spin in circles quickly. Being raised Roman Catholic means that this sort of symbology exists in me in the personal unconscious strongly. I was put off by it in the dream, but decided to look at the book anyway. Perhaps this was an acceptance of what I wrote earlier - that Christian symbology is steeped in me in this lifetime.

The other dream was an initiation of sorts where I had to light a parchment which at first didn't stay lit, but then it did, but it was a slow burn. I then had to sign a paper that I took the initiation and draw a geometrical shape which I struggled with. It was an 11 sided circle or a Hendecagon. The person in the dream told me the name, but I didn't know what it was nor did I remember from the dream. I just remember that it was 11 sides, so I looked it up when I woke up.

Both dreams seem to point to processes which are bearing gradual amounts of fruit. This seems to correspond with what I am experiencing in the physical as well.

Either way, in the physical or non-physical, I feel that I have made a lot of progress on this course which I didn't in my other courses or groups.

I haven't posted here in a while as I have been writing in my own journal. It has an interesting couple of weeks. I had a Tummo session with Mystress which was very excellent. I had some interesting dreams and kundalini sensation afterwards up the back and lots of vibrations. What was interesting was that I hadn't any idea that I was already Kundalini active. I hadn't a clue and just thought that vibrations and the like were just a by-product of meditation (which it is as well, I guess). It also made me realize that I have probably been active since childhood as I remember sensations which seemed dreamlike when I was really young (maybe 7 or 8). In particular, I recall a sort of being who used to smile at me (can't remember the details), but also not smile at the same time. It was also in a really white background. It is hard to explain, but I also associated it with an intense deep vibration. I had this experience with meditation in Singapore about 10 years ago during meditation (I was very jetlagged and couldn't sleep, so I thought that I may as well meditate) which was really pleasant and I remembered my childhood experiences. I wouldn't say that it was anything like some accounts that I have read, but probably linked to Kundalini.

I also decided to slow down on lessons because I think that I haven't had massive success on the Heart Voice and now am in a lesson 'Body Talk' which talks of the heart voice and also the solar plexus area. I need to develop this more, so until I can, I will hold fire on other lessons. I think that this was the lesson that Mystress was talking to me about during our session. I thought that I had already taken it, but I may have mistook this for the Heart Voice lesson.

Finally, I learned a bit about sexual energy. I knew that there was a link, but I didn't really understand it because there is a lot of conflicting information about holding sexual energy or transmuting (if that is possible as I would have thought that this is control related). I have noticed that if I have sex that the kundalini experiences and meditations suffer accordingly. I find myself getting sleepy during meditation sessions and a lack of energetic sensation. A few days later, this seems to come back again - despite a lack of sleep, my meditations are more sound, I have more energy and there are more energetic sensations. The coincidence as I started to review some of the first videos as per the instructions on the 'Body Talk' lesson and there was a passage almost immediately about the sexual energy going up the spine rather than going outward towards procreation or a normal orgasm which seemed to underline my experience over the past couple of weeks.

Anyway - hopefully onwards and upwards :-)

I have FST on pause still as I continue to go through the Body Talk lesson and review the other lessons. I have to say that I am not doing great with it.  If I ground and prompt for signs for yes or no, I am not really getting noticable signals most of the time. Occasionally I do, but this seems to be the exception. I will keep going with the pause as I understand that it is an important lesson and want to get it with at least some consistency.

On a positive note, there are instances of more words coming in like a broken transistor radio and they are usually pertinent to whatever I am asking. As it is a phrase or a word or two, it is hard to discern the meaning sometimes. The grounding does seem better as well. I am also understanding that with visualizations that there is a period in which you can let go to a degree which can be interesting. Usually when I am doing grounding, I have some core visualizations to do, but sometimes they change. I was resisting this to get back to the visualization, but I am learning to stop and see whatever it actually means.

I resumed FST last week with the thought of carrying on practicing on the body talk lesson with each lesson regardless. I am pretty inconsistent with the actual results from it. Generally when I practice this at night, the results are much better than the day. I can only surmise that it is because I am relaxed more or perhaps my grounding is better? I am not sure between the two as it could also just be a cumalative effect of grounding throughout the day.

When I had my tummo session with Mystress, I was told that my grounding cord didn't go all the way to the core. I have amended the visualization slightly to go to the core of the core which seems to have improved. I make certain that after I do the initial grounding, I go and check the connection. The results have been that when I make the first contact that my feet begin tingling even before I bring the energy up. Also, I feel that I am hearing more voices or fragments of them when I focus on the feet during meditation. I hear these fragments at times during the day, but they are fragments of sentences usually pertaining to anything which is on the mind.

From a sensation point of view, this has also gotten stronger. I am finding that during meditation, after a spell, I start to get pressure in the perenium, feet and legs. This usually will start to spread (albeit a little milder) up the back. I also had a funny experience where I was too tired, but proceeded to meditate anyway and started to drift off. When I did this, I got a very audible 'you are not listening' which amused me.

I have had other related dreams which seems to verify the 'guardian on the threshold' truth. I saw a mother elephant holding back a large expansive trunk from what she was feeding her child (trunks were connected).

Finally, in related to the 'Kundalini Diet' lesson, I have begun the Flaxseed Oil tablets and recently, I switched to Green Tea from Coffee because I believe that I must be allergic to something in the coffee. I drink it and turn into a nervous monster, so switching to Tea made things a lot easier. Altogether a good couple of weeks :-)

The past week has been mixed. I feel that on the major lessons that I haven't done very well with them result-wise. I would term those lessons as 'Opening Heart Chakra/Heart Voice', 'Divine Beloved', 'Opening 3rd Eye', and 'Body Talk'. However, I do take note that it probably takes about 3 years to graduate from the course and I am not long into that number. I will have to go back through those lessons, but perhaps there needs to be more internal clearing before those particular lessons will bear fruit which brings me to the current lesson, 'Surrender Ego'. This is probably quite central for those other lessons in my case as there is so much to surrender. I have done ok for the week and continued to practice body talk during my meditations, but I am not getting anywhere with it, so I should probably put it down for now and try another older lesson. Maybe I will have more success in another one and I can revisit Body Talk another later.

This past week has been mixed with some. I moved back to the heart voice and I have had a couple of sessions which seemed better than prior and then other ones which were not. It felt like more of an expansive feeling in the whole of the upper torso when responding to the affirmative. Before, I would go with what I perceived to be a pressure. I think that I confused myself before as when i did this prior, I remember reading a post in the archives which seemed to say to pay attention to the feet/breath while simultaneously watching the heart/solar plexus. When I did this before, I think that I was probably leading answers. This past week, I worked more on not doing this, but rather looking at my feet primarily which helped.

I also had a few sessions in which paying attention to the feet would generate a lot of heat and tiny muscle twitches in the body during meditation. This seems to be a new feature to the meditation and happens after maybe 30 minutes or so. It doesn't happen every time but enough that I have noticed.

I am now reading a book from an author who was linked in the external links - John Ruskan. The book is Emotional Clearing and it is a very good read thus far. It is early into the book, but what is interesting is that it seems to be summarizing all of the things that I learned in magic over the course of years in just the first 70 pages - lol.

Well - we are locked down here in the UK and I have rarely left the house. Thankfully, we have a nice wooded area by us which everyone can walk in without fear of being close to others.

My practices have been good as I have gone through a couple of lessons which both centered around sex - responsibility and the sacred marriage. I have had an increase of night time energy during this time in which I wake up and am absolutely buzzing. In one instance, I had a dream of walking into a house where there was this attractive female who I knew named (hilariously) Marsha Grassley. I know of no one with this name and a cursory Google search would indicate that there is no one with this name perhaps indicating the uniqueness of the person and the encounter. I felt that it was Anima/Divine Beloved related.

In meditation, I would always have a sort of hypnogogic words that would pop in my head during meditation. Most of the time, it was similar to turning an old analog radio and hearing fragments of sentences. This has changed although perhaps still not consistent. Now I get a fragment of a sentence, but it usually is two words, but clear and in context. They aren't audible or associated with a voice, but rather just words that appear in the mind.

On a separate note, I have been enjoying other postings on here and do use it as inspiration and potentially a sort of measure (if one could do such a thing).

I have also floated Mystress's statements on Covid19 and found that people generally accepted it and agreed. Expanding on the thought, it appears that it will be the death knell for life as we know it. With resistance to it coming from a lot of quarters (especially in the US), it seems that it will make things even worse if they continue down their path and refusing to adapt.

This week was interesting for a couple of things. When I have a shakti download, I have been noticing energy in the heart region. This made me cough for a very short period of time, but it felt like something was loosening there. The odd thing was that it coincided with Covid19, so I did have a few hours wondering if I had something, but it passed pretty quickly (the coughing). This seems to keep coming around with each lesson, so I don't really get alarmed about it any more (not that I was massively so - concerned for short period of time would be a better phrase). This week, the same thing happened in my crown. Whereas once, I felt pressure, now it feels like there is an opening with this airy quality which wasn't present prior. I am wondering if these potentially were blockages which are slowly clearing or things which is linked to the surrendering. I suppose over time, I will know more. I'd like to think that is happening.

 I am wondering if these potentially were blockages which are slowly clearing or things which is linked to the surrendering. I suppose over time, I will know more. I'd like to think that is happening.

  Yes, that is exactly how it works. Each lesson has shakti of information but also some pokey stuff to trigger some karma of issues related to the lesson. Brings it up to be surrendered and then it is gone and Shakti fills the space. Staying grounded keeps you out of resistance so it all flows better as well as being additional self-shaktipat, your own connection to Goddess the Planet. Her peace and wisdom guiding the path.

  The karma bits, blockages  are all ego fragments and so we wear away at ego with these practices, increasing vibration and becoming closer to the Divine. Eventually there is not enough ego left to sustain itself, and you ascend.

  Seen that way, the road to enlightenment is almost mechanistic. The spiritual is, Goddess knows where all the karma is buried and what you are ready to deal with. Having it come up in a relatively orderly fashion, at a pace you can handle is the Divine genius of the process, side stepping the very real potentials of kundalini psychosis from going into resistance at stuff you cannot handle. 

  Goddess in charge, just keep surrendering.

Thanks for the insights, Mystress. I am happy that this is happening. This course has opened my eyes to what karma is. I had no idea about it being all stored in the body with emotion. Had I not taken this course, it would have taken me years to discover this through magical teachings. :-)

The past week was interesting because the triggers that Mystress has in her lessons actually triggered something in me which I didn't think was really there - potenital hangups with women. I found myself being a little emotionally triggered - albeit it wasn't a huge amount, but I did feel it. I have dated and married women who were very strong natured who I felt didn't treat me well (granted I accept that it stemmed from my own perceptions) and I think that I probably need to examine those relationships to surrender them. Likely, I will need to do this more than once - lol. I can recall some pain from some of them which I am certain the lesson has brought up.

Outside of this, I have been reading the posts on Vampires and exploring other threads on the forum. I probably can go forth and read more threads as between the lessons and the threads there is a lot of information to take in.

 Demystifying mysticism. That is my talent.

  It is strange, isn't it that so many talk about karma as something mysterious and never get down to the brass tacks of how we hold it in the body as points of tension built around emotional memories. Hatha yoga is compatible with FST because it is locating and releasing the tension via slow precise stretches.

  Every massage therapist can tell stories of how they poked a tense spot and the client burst out crying getting a vivid flashback of some childhood memory.  Some spots have been tense so long they are numb and not noticed.

  When you get good at surrender, and see the benefits, you can go hunting for things that trigger you, for the benefit of trigger-be-gone. Finding the karma stuff to let it go. Pro-active surrender.

  The tantra thing, dancing in the cremation grounds, is all about breaking taboos, to find and release the karma stuff.  You do not have to physically do it, everyone has their own, emotional cremation grounds.  For me, part of it was lurking on the old news groups and trying to see Goddess where my triggers and conditioning believed She is not. Looking for the love.

  A more modern example, sometime after Trump was elected I asked Goddess, WTF?? Heard "He is my jester of reverse psychology." I started observing, not what he does but the reactions. Every time the clown opens his mouth, a few thousand activists are born, intent on doing the opposite.  He is like an ugly mirror reflecting all that is broken in the USA. At that time, I could not have guessed it would get to the point where he shows all the ugly, heartlessness and greed of a pure capitalist system.  The jester has become a wrecking ball, cutting a swathe of death that is horrifying the world. Goddess does not mess around.

More on karma clearing. http://kundalini-teacher.com/karma.php (http://kundalini-teacher.com/karma.php)

K teacher is a bit broken, I got distracted htaccess errors, half way through changing it back to a html site. So, if the .htm or .html extension does not work, change it to .php and if .php does not work, change to .html or .htm

 

Yes - I do find some things about other traditions to be over-shrouded in mystery including some things which seemed more like navel-gazing than anything of value (granted - this also could be me missing multiple points - lol). This is why I love your course as you don't do any of that.

A jester is certainly an apt description for Trump as it would imply distraction which is exactly what is going on there. Everyone was so hyper-focussed on what he did or said, that no one paid any attention to the policies being passed. It seems that the Coronavirus has exposed the ramifications for all of those policies and cuts to social spending. It would be hilarious if it wasn't such a tragedy.

Today will be the last day for me in my current magic society. I haven't been practicing for months now because I wanted to separate where the results were coming from and now that I know, I have to leave. I never really got into the ritual elements anyway, so I guess that I was fooling myself that this tradition was a good match for me. I thought that I would grow into it, but that never really transpired. There are some good people in the society, so I will miss them, but perhaps the society was an impediment in the long run. On a positive note, I am quite regimented in my approach to spirituality as a result, so perhaps that is what I needed.

I did have a dream which I felt that I had graduated a junior college and was about to attend a very prestigious university which I think was very pertinent to my situation. I was struggling to know which university that it was, but it was in a big city as well, so well founded. I think that the graduation was harsh, but accurate - lol.

I also started praying this past week to Goddess during meditation which I found was very effective. When I did this, I felt heat and energy immediately. This has gotten stronger over the week and last night, I felt more energy up the spine and a lot towards the root chakra. I do feel like I have stumbled on to something which clicks in with how I am personally with noticable results, so it is a big positive.

 FST is in a big city, technically. My VPS is hosted at the top of Harbour Center in downtown Vancouver. It is the round tower in the center of this photo:

(https://vancouverlookout.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/09/Vancouver-Sunset.jpg)

Moved to tell you:

Triple Goddess:
Crone = Goddess Void.
Woman/Mother = Goddess planet.
Maiden = Goddess in your heart.

  I described FST to someone recently, as something separate from religion, more like, mysticism via science and Jungian Psychology. Mind of Goddess planet is geomagnetic field, heart is fiery crystal. This Goddess has a physical  body and we are all living on it. A mind, consciousness and an energy body and we are all naturally wired into it but She respects free will so the presence is invisible until you go looking.

My first encounter with Goddess planet was 54 years ago. With the Gaia-mind theory in the 70s and all, science is finally catching up.

  Even the Pope! is saying coronavirus is nature responding to climate change. The idea that the planet is conscious and self aware is really starting to penetrate.

  I respect and honour the old Gods of mythology.

  Goddess of FST, is not mythical. :) 

  Thank you for saying nice things. So rewarding for me to see people getting results, growing.

Thanks for your response, Mystress. The only thing that flew by my head was the 'Crone' portion. I wasn't familiar with the word before, so I looked it up :-) I haven't experienced the Void yet or really any of the 3 Goddesses, so I may understand them as a concept, but not in the practical sense yet. Hopefully that will come in time.

I have read articles regarding Coronavirus which states that the virus can be spread with pollution - https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20200427-how-air-pollution-exacerbates-covid-19 - so it really lends support to this being generated by Goddess. I had a funny dream about being back in Michigan (where I am originally from) and being a line for the doctors office and no one was observing social distancing nor being bothered about coronavirus, but all lined up at the doctors office to see if they were infected. I was triggered in the dream and it is funny because it seems that people in my home state are being described perfectly here.

My practices in the past week have been good. I continued praying during portions of my meditation to quite good effect. It feels like something in the heart is opening a bit, so a bit of a progression from the past week. In addition, my grounding amendments some months ago are now bearing fruit. I went to the core of the core and now once I hit the initial core, I feel energy to my body immediately even before I even bring it up consciously. I do so anyway, but it feels like it isn't needed.

Quote"The only thing that flew by my head was the 'Crone' portion. I wasn't familiar with the word before, so I looked it up :-) I haven't experienced the Void yet or really any of the 3 Goddesses, so I may understand them as a concept, but not in the practical sense yet. Hopefully that will come in time."

Trinity is a very powerful concept and is found in almost all old religions.
In Shaktism (Goddess worshiping Hindu sect), one of the main Goddess is Tripura Sundari - tri (three), pura (city), sundari (beauty) - meaning 'beauty that shines through three universes'.
The three universes or cities for Tantric practice are body, mind, and spirit where Goddess rules and shines through.
In pagan and wicca tradition, maiden, mother, and crone are three stages of Goddess, each with a specific focus as Mystress has pointed out above.
In Hinduism, we have Bala Tripura Sundari (maiden) and Dhumavati (crone).

Quote"Perceived as the Void, as the dissolved form of consciousness, when all beings are dissolved in sleep in the supreme Brahman, having swallowed the entire universe, the seer-poets call her the most glorious and the eldest, Dhumavati... among yogis she becomes the power that destroys all thoughts, indeed Samadhi itself."
~ Ganapati Muni, Uma Sahasram 38. 13-14

"Dhumavati is thus the primal sleep wherein all the creatures of the universe are dissolved in the underlying reality of the Supreme Brahman. She is also Yoga-nidra or the yogic sleep in which the yogi is merged into the pre-creation state of consciousness and no longer perceives the external world. She represents the bliss of the before-creation state, wherein the formless Brahman alone exists. She helps us to forget the bad dream of Samsara and return to the blissful being of Nirvana. She is the wisdom of forgetting.

Dhumavati is the void, wherein all forms have been dissolved and nothing can any longer be differentiated. Yet this void is not mere darkness. It is a self-illuminating reality free of the ordinary duality of subject and object… As such, Dhumavati is pure, perfect, and full Awareness in which there are no longer any objects. The Void is not merely emptiness but the cessation of the movements of the mind. Dhumavati is thus ultimately silence itself."
~ David Frawley (Tantric Yoga and the Wisdom of Goddess)

It is not possible to logically understand the Void through rational mind because that would mean there is an observer.
Dissolution of separation through ego death is usually referred to 'returning to the Void'

 Begeegs wrote:I haven't experienced the Void yet or really any of the 3 Goddesses, so I may understand them as a concept, but not in the practical sense yet.

  You have been, just not relating as such.

  The peace you feel when grounding, the response of the fiery crystal heart, the wisdom that comes when you are grounded, is Goddess the Planet.  You experience Her every time you ground.

  The still small voice of the heart, a neutral voice to respect your free will, Goddess in your heart.

  You will meet Goddess Void,  in the Void lesson.

I have read articles regarding Coronavirus which states that the virus can be spread with pollution

Aye, I posted that to my fb when it came out.

It feels like something in the heart is opening a bit

  Goddess in your heart, hears your prayers.

I went to the core of the core and now once I hit the initial core, I feel energy to my body immediately even before I even bring it up consciously. I do so anyway, but it feels like it isn't needed.

You are talking about the fiery crystal heart of the planet?

What do you mean, the core of the core?

  You can experience water by turning on the tap, or you can go to the reservoir and jump in. That is the difference between grounding and going into the crystal. Either way, Goddess Planet.

Gopi Wrote: Dissolution of separation through ego death is usually referred to 'returning to the Void'

  Intriguing. Yet in my Void lesson, we visit, and there are permanent changes but ego still exists.

  I so appreciate your Dravidian perspective.

  I asked Goddess for the Kundalini path She embedded in our DNA, and out came Fire Serpent Tantra, and I too am still learning about it! Especially with stuff like Void that cannot be understood by the rational mind, to begin with.

  Visiting the Void; the experience causes permanent perceptual changes. Black is no longer black but appears filled with a billion tiny dots of light in rainbow colours. Even the sidebar to the left of this page, is not black to me. It contains colour like a raven's wing is all colours except the colours are tiny tiny points. Actually for me, any surface any colour.

Iridescent raven image (https://www.pxfuel.com/en/free-photo-ozbda)

  The Fire Serpent has a similar iridescence... like rainbow obsidian, black that contains all primary colours. With open eyes in a pitch-black room, the tiny dancing lights are everywhere.

  Spiritually, to me it means darkness is not real, light is everywhere. It does affect a subtle change of consciousness and contemplating the sparkles of colours in the dark gives a light trance of peace... but don't ask me why, or how it happens, I have no idea!   

  I will note that there are three non-dual Voids.

  There is a pure black Void. Guidance says I visited it a long time ago and it is a part of me, but I have no memory of doing so. I suspect that is the one you call Dhumavati. Void before the Big Bang, outside of time, contains all potentials of creation but is Nothing. Is that resonant? 

  Void lesson visits the Starry Void, it is the most accessible and useful.

  The third is a white light Void that is called the Godhead, it is associated with the crown chakra, and the crown chakra in the secondlife chakra temple is modeled after it.
 

In Shaktism, Goddess is worshiped through ten different facets.
These are called Dasa Mahavidya - dasa (ten) maha (great) vidya (wisdom).
Each of them is a specific wisdom of Goddess and is intended to help the Tantra practitioner grow in a specific aspect of their life.
One of them is Dhumavati which focuses on the crone aspect.

Quote"Yet in my Void lesson, we visit, and there are permanent changes but ego still exists."

I find it difficult to write about the Void because it cannot be fully described from any perspective.
I feel like when absorbed into the Void, it is not possible to identify as ego even though we may regain sense of ego self later.
Tantra practitioners are instructed to meditate upon specific facets of Goddess so that they may get absorbed into that specific wisdom through practice.
So I agree with you Mystress.
It is very much possible for ego to exist after visiting the Void but the experience alters us.
Perhaps there is a difference between visiting the pure black Void and Starry Void (which is referred to in FST lesson).

Quote"There is a pure black Void. Guidance says I visited it a long time ago and it is a part of me, but I have no memory of doing so. I suspect that is the one you call Dhumavati. Void before the Big Bang, outside of time, contains all potentials of creation but is Nothing. Is that resonant? "

Yes Mystress.
This is the Void I am referring to as Dhumavati.

  How funny, to put a name to the nameless, 24 years later. I remember.

  I wrote about this before,  (http://fire-serpent.com/tearoom/index.php/topic,1233.msg5274.html#msg5274)  but that record of the memory is incomplete, because I was interrupted. It is missing the first part.

  Early summer, 1996. I got an instruction to lay down and close eyes, turn inward and then a powerful vision. A voice out of the dark, I somehow never doubted was feminine and a Goddess, said "I am Infinite,   I am Nameless,  I am Nothing, and I am you." Then it showed me the Big Bang and...

  I was with two of my love slaves, empathically linked and my suddenly asking them to be quiet and laying down was distressing to them, and their feelings were distracting me so I opened my eyes to reassure them I would be back in minutes... then returned to the vision, to the universe with stars and the Earth evolving from coalescing stardust to modern times, with the feeling it was my own creation.  Being Goddess.

  Through the empathic link and I guess watching me, they got a sense of it too. Presence of a Goddess in me. None of us really knew what to make of it, at the time. It was druid who recognized the energy about a week later, calling it simply "Goddess" as I have, ever since.

All Shamans have a dream lab, in the Dreamtime, where we do the work. Mine looks like the starry Void except I can manifest or draw things inside for examination... or maybe I just look, from there.   

Thanks Gopi and Mystress for the lessons.

Gopi - I hadn't really thought of it as a trinity, so thanks for that. It certainly makes more sense now.

Mystress - when I say the core of the core, I felt that I needed to ensure that I was grounding properly as I recall that I was falling a bit short, so I am aiming for the very middle of the crystal or the core of the core :-) This seems to have worked for me as I can feel when I have struck paydirt, so to speak.

I have been doing well over the week and a half. My meditations have improved. I have also toned the prayer down when I noticed that when I was trying to generate this feeling behind the prayer that my breathing was changing as well unintentionally. I managed to hone this devotional feeling while reining in a normal breathing pattern which was interesting. I am not sure that I was able to do this before, so that particular feeling I have put into grounding. In essence, it seems like I have combined the feeling from prayer and the grounding over the past day or two. At times, it has really felt pleasant, so something seems to be falling into place.

This comes during a week in which I was just doing a normal meditation on the 3rd eye for concentration which seemed to generate a pressure which started growing from other locales in the body. This pressure grew and seemed to explode around the head region and I felt a prickly feeling around the whole head for a short period. It happened again a day or so later, but not as pronounced. I am assuming that it was an energy clearing of sorts. It was very physiological and not much more which is fine for me. Since this time, I have had more heat and more buildups of energy during meditations, but they hadn't approached the feeling as it did prior. It isn't uncomfortable as I continue the concentration as well as I did prior, I was just noticing that it felt like it was warmer than before.

I have to say that I am finding it quite hilarious that after I quit magic formally that my practices start to really progress.

I have to say that I am finding it quite hilarious that after I quit magic formally that my practices start to really progress.

  You mean, when you quit your old practices and started with my training. What I have been telling you, all along.

You still don't really get it though, still being the doer, trying to force things with this third eye meditation. Blowing shit up. There is potential for damage.

  Here is an idea. Ask Goddess to take whatever is in the way of being able to concentrate better. Thank her for taking it, breathe big sigh of release and focus on tingly feet. Usual surrender process.
  Then ask Goddess to take the karma from your third eye and open it, at a pace you can handle.

  Then maybe you will understand that all these force practices are a potentially damaging waste of time, compared to Goddess has it handled.

  Notice, the pearl broke most easily for those who were already deeply surrendered after years of devotion. Goddess did it, effortless.

Mystress - I actually stopped my magical training in December last year although I was still involved with the group on an administrative level. This was why I found it funny because all I really did was sever the ties from the group and it seemed like my practices have move up a notch.

Regarding the 3rd eye - I wasn't trying to do anything other than concentrate and silence the mind. I find it easier to concentrate on the body, so I was trying to simplify things. I will try what you suggest and just focus on the feet. Hopefully it will work well :-)

I really didn't expect that the pearl would break for me as I am nowhere near the level that others are at. Perhaps in time, I will be able to do that.

 Alright, I will give you something to do. I never know who comes to FST via k-teacher, if they have seen these pages or not. The karma clearing comes a bit later in FST but I think you are ready to have a go at this stuff:  k teacher karma section (http://kundalini-teacher.com/karma.php)

  That site is a bit broken, I got distracted part way though converting it back to html. So if a .php doesn't work change it to .html and vise-versa.

  We silence the mind, by surrendering the noises. It's all karma stuff squeaking. Trying to force the mind to silence, does not work, does it? No forcing, no trying. Ease. Goddess has it handled. 

I am in the middle of the lesson 'Shadow', but I have to say that the last three lessons, 'The Mirror Game' and 'Karmic Law' along with 'Shadow' have been the best of the course so far. I have really enjoyed them. The interesting thing about it was the Portal Guardian and learning to unconditionally love it. It begs the question as to whether our 'free will' is just a manifestation of ego and it doesn't really exist outside of that and thus the illusion of non-duality. Especially, given that these experiences which do crop up aren't really under the sort of control that we may think that it is.

It also makes me wonder about the terms surrender, acceptance and unconditional love. It seems that they are different forms of the same thing. Perhaps initially, surrendering these karmic thoughts, memories, etc. is the the form that must be employed because I am just learning, but eventually, this surrendering gives way to the acceptance and unconditional love. Does it make more sense to just apply love and acceptance to the thoughts, emotions that come up?

This past week has been interesting. I dreamed that I had a blockage removed, but I don't recall where. It seems to be true because the shakti download seems to be more present for longer now. It seems that the heart, throat and root chakra feel like there is a stream of energy going them. However, the power chakra and sensation chakra haven't must of anything just yet which isn't surprising - lol.

My meditations have improved a lot. I have more or less just relaxed into them and just went into a period of noticing and then back to relaxing. I started with focussing on the feet, but focussing on the surrounding body seemed to be natural, so I went with it. It isn't really even on the body per se, but more like I am just relaxing and just being. I also do some prayer which is nice as well, but not with the emphasis that I had before. I do find it useful at times, but not really with the emphasis that it had prior.

The interesting thing about it was the Portal Guardian and learning to unconditionally love it. It begs the question as to whether our 'free will' is just a manifestation of ego and it doesn't really exist outside of that and thus the illusion of non-duality. Especially, given that these experiences which do crop up aren't really under the sort of control that we may think that it is.

You do not have a portal guardian because you are not a Shaman. You have a shadow side, which is invisible to you, by definition and best detected by looking at your judgments of others. Giving it love is good anyway! I am sure your intention was understood even if your terminology was mixed up.

Free will, both does and does not exist. Even after ascension, realization, the choice to love or fear remains because fear is part of the body trying to keep itself safe. The option for that choice remains always. The fearful choices are less tempting when you understand their hidden costs.

Goddess respects our free will but also pulls our strings.

It also makes me wonder about the terms surrender, acceptance and unconditional love. It seems that they are different forms of the same thing.

Not the same. Related. Surrender is letting go. Acceptance is letting be. Unconditional love is Divine energy, the most powerful force in the universe. A non dual energy, it blows up karma which is why it is better to aim it at your own self growing and not others.  It can be more weapon than gift, if sent outwardly.

I dreamed that I had a blockage removed, but I don't recall where.

  You sound like one of the recently ascended. Probably something that was stopping the pearl from breaking. You are being prepped for that, I think.

Good you are learning to flow with the process. :) Bravo!

" It begs the question as to whether our 'free will' is just a manifestation of ego and it doesn't really exist outside of that and thus the illusion of non-duality."
As Mystress has pointed out, there is always a choice between fear and love.
Fear is absence of love (shadow aspect) just like darkness is absence of light.
Ego is like having a pet dog that will bark at strangers or anything that it senses as danger.
Only the master of the house knows that the stranger is actually a new friend.
Putting ego in charge of decisions is like putting the dog in charge of the household.
Better for the dog (ego) to learn to trust the master of the house (your DB).

In Kundalini path, surrender is the only real option because everything else is just prolonged suffering till the ego becomes tired of playing games.
Sooner or later, ego learns that the best option is to surrender to Divine within.
It may take some time before we learn this and every mistake we make is a lesson for our own growth.
Once you surrender, everything belongs to Goddess - your dreams, your fears, your imperfections, your doubts, your pain, and your joy.
Your job is to simply show up and do the next thing Goddess sends your way without worrying about 'big life plans'.
Chop wood. Carry water.

"I dreamed that I had a blockage removed, but I don't recall where. "
Clean healing.
Wanting to know details of past trauma that has healed is in itself a control game.
If you need to know something, then your guides will show it you at the appropriate time.

"My meditations have improved a lot. I have more or less just relaxed into them and just went into a period of noticing and then back to relaxing. I started with focussing on the feet, but focussing on the surrounding body seemed to be natural, so I went with it. It isn't really even on the body per se, but more like I am just relaxing and just being. I also do some prayer which is nice as well, but not with the emphasis that I had before. I do find it useful at times, but not really with the emphasis that it had prior. "
Lovely.
When there is no effort, then you can simply witness what is happening.
Prayer can be a powerful ritual because it is about the attitude that you take when you pray.
As you drop deeper into your own silence, prayer is just being grateful for existence - no laundry list of wishes and woes.

Enjoy the sunshine :)

Namaste!
Gopi

Thanks Mystress and Gopi for your words of encouragement. I do feel like I am making progress as my meditations have improved. I will continue in the relaxed vein with some light prayer as it seems to be paying off. I hope that it leads to ascension, but I will keep my head down and continue as before :-)

Gopi - when I had the dream, I can only recall that a blockage was removed. I usually tend to dream in rich symbolism, so this was unusual for me. I don't really remember massive details of it because it was hot that week and I wasn't sleeping great. It isn't really a big deal for me to know the what or hows of the blockage. Like you say, if I am meant to know, I am sure that I will be provided the information.

Again - thank you for the encouragement. It means a lot :-)

Another dream which I think is pretty relevant to the process.

I was at my Uncles house in Zilwaukee. I saw his car in the driveway with a root from a tree which was eating away the rust on his car by rubbing up against it. It was an old car as well. The branches grew right through the car. I saw a house in the neighbours back yard which was slowly disintegrating in the wind and blowing my way and everywhere. My uncle complained that the neighbours always left trash out in their yard and it has always been this way. I thought that he had sold the house, but he said no â€" it had always been there. He rented it out to some woman or other. The trash from the yard started all heading my way and I had to move to avoid being hit. I noticed a church also in the back yard which had also grown old and decayed.

My interpretation of this was of old structures that have been in place since my childhood are being dismantled and coming up for observation and surrender. The old rusted car for me and comments from the uncle would suggest that parts of my psyche have never left. These belief structures and perhaps religious views that took root here and are still just as relevant now although perhaps my attentions shifted to other things. Another view could be that I am allowing others to dump things on me which stemmed from my youth? This certainly is another possibility. Either way, it looks like something which needs to be examined closer.

I have had a couple of good weeks. I have continued with the noticing meditations and they have been generally very good. I do have some distractions at first, but they generally clear up which leads to a very relaxed meditation.

I am on the Trap of Righteousness which was very interesting when reflecting on how I was when I started the course to where I am now. Although I didn't really subscribe to wanting to save the world, I did try to help others with things that I may have felt that they lacked. Funny to look back on it now with what I know now. That being said, I am sure that I will probably be saying the same thing about my current state in a few months.

I tried the pearl again today and although I didn't really feel like I had broken it, I am now wondering if I may have as I am pretty flush with energy much more than usual. It is almost like I am being signalled to sit up and meditate. I think that I might :-)

"I am on the Trap of Righteousness which was very interesting when reflecting on how I was when I started the course to where I am now. Although I didn't really subscribe to wanting to save the world, I did try to help others with things that I may have felt that they lacked. Funny to look back on it now with what I know now. "

When we feel convinced that we are 'better than others' for whatever reason, there is a corresponding ego identity in us that has a need to feel validated as better than others.
And usually, we want to prove something to others about ourselves when we feel threatened or insecure at some level.
So when I say to someone 'I am better than you', what I am really saying is 'I have a need to feel that I am better than you'.
When we are children, we are taught to be competitive with others (in some cultures more than others).
There is value in healthy competition.
But sometimes people never develop a sense of self beyond their competitive self.
This means I don't know who I am if I am not competing against someone.

A lot of 'over achiever perfectionist' kids grow up to be workaholics with unhealthy and obsessive competitive mentalities.
In a lot of countries, this kind of 'win at all costs' sort of mentality is usually praised and promoted as visionary leadership.
There are so many biographies of people with stellar career achievements but disastrous personal life and abusive to their colleagues.
Not judging anyone based on their personal struggles but I do want to point out this.
We all need to learn to build and develop a sense of self that is not tied to our achievements only.
When you are anchored in your own sense of self, other peoples praises and misunderstandings do not disturb you that much.

Next time when you feel you are being self righteous ('I know what is better for others'):
(1) Look at the person who you think needs to be saved by you. Ask yourself 'What do they need from me?' and see what comes up.
(2) Now get grounded. Ask yourself 'What am I feeling threatened about?' and see what comes up.
(3) Now look at the person again. Ask yourself 'What do they need from me?' and see what comes up.

Share your observations if you feel moved to do so.
Namaste!
Gopi

Thanks for the response Gopi. Yeah - I was definitely one of those very judgemental people. When I was in magic, I started to look at myself more, but until I came here, it really was a slow pace. Since that time, it has really picked up lol.

I had the oddest meditation last night which followed a day in which my family and I were walking around a forest. The forest in question was a site of a UFO sighting which I hadn't any idea about until my wife mentioned it on the way there. It was pretty uneventful (a nice walk though), but in the evening, she selected some weird show where Ozzy Osbourne and his son went camping through New Mexico which culminated in going to Roswell. She didn't know about Roswell, so I tried to find a documentary about it, but ended up with some conspiracy show all about UFOs which was interesting, but some of it was incredibly polarized with their views. When I went to meditate later, this really triggered incredible fear. I didn't think that I had suppressed that fear from when I was little (I was insanely scared of the book Communion) and in addition had night terrors which began when I was 4 and continued for a number of years.  It all came flooding back with this meditation, but in the form of the raw emotion. I also had an instance of a quick high-pitched sound in one ear and then the other. Eventually, the intense fear waned, but it had to be the one of the most highly energized meditations that I had. Probably, I need to explore that further.

Well, I escaped the UFO rabbit hole. I wasn't really an enthusiast and after a spell of looking, I still am not - lol. I think that the book 'Communion' scared me to death as a teen which played into nightmares that I had growing up and that was it really (in addition to my nightmares that I had when I was very small).

I have had a couple of weeks where it really felt that things in the external world are mere metaphors for the inner self and vis-versa. I know that I probably shouldn't really view the world with such a solipsistic viewpoint, but sometimes it is difficult not to see it that way. Then I start going down the quantum theory of many worlds which seems to lend itself to the solipsistic view as well. I need to surrender them both because neither matter really :-)

I do feel that my spiritual growth has started to move quicker though. I feel like the shakti download for the week doesn't seem to weaken as much as it had before and I feel like there are elements from within which are now clearer than they were prior. Also, I am slowly hearing the silent voice within. It seems on the outskirts for the most part, but there are moments of stillness in meditation and also in life where I hear it. It has taken a long time, but progress there is taking place now. I still feel like I have much more to go, but finally feel like tangible progress is afoot.

I have been on holiday in Spain for a couple of weeks and did meditate there which was pretty good overall despite being eaten alive by mosquitos (they love me). I had a very vivid dream which again pertained to FST in which I had been accepted for an advanced programme at a university who had a female researcher/doctor who was the head. After I abandoned being at the back of a class with former high school friends who were wise cracking, I moved forward, but at a slow pace despite trying very hard. Quite amusing as those sort of high school friends probably are indicative of the intellectualism of the ego mind or the smartarse (lol). I ended up in this race and finished at an average pace. I would think that both of those elements (race, trying) are also things that are deeply ingrained in the psyche as I am naturally very competitive, so it seems like the trying is the thing which needs to be treated with a fine toothed comb. Also, the measuring aspect (race) would be something which will be unique for everyone and not a real objective thing, so I need to surrender both of them.

Since my return, I have had what seems to be a couple of really good days of meditation as I have arrived on the Kegel lesson. I have found that doing Kegels within the grounding gave me a headache until I did a meditation. This seemed to clear the headache altogether that I abandoned the Kegels during grounding when I did a grounding alone. I do a grounding before a meditation as well, so now I am doing the Kegel (lightly) and this seems to have had a dramatic effect where I feel very pleasant for a few hours afterwards. It was like I was on the cusp of something blissful, but not quite there yet.

I have also found that trying to stay in the moment during the day, but not in a forceful fashion seems to really help in the concentration department. I have had trouble in the past with the wandering mind during meditation, so this has proven to be effective in combating that. It is still very early, but promising.

I have found a way to do Kegels just before grounding without the headaches. I think that perhaps I was perhaps too aggressive (one of my personality traits - overdoing things...) with how many that I did (it wasn't a ton - I took direction from the ESO book, but that must have been too much). This time, I was more gentle and did less and found that this helped a lot. Granted it is only one day, but I was encouraged with this.

On a separate note, I started wondering about ascension and the things that will likely need to be surrendered and all of the things that one does or doesn't do. Is it more about doing things in balance or eliminated entirely? For example, sometimes I will play video games in the evening. I have had issues with addiction to them in the past, so I wonder if this is something which needs to be surrendered and then balanced? I could list a lot of things which I know about myself which I have issues with (competitiveness, impatience, video games, escapism, amounst many other things) and some of those things probably need to be curtailed with a view of elimination, but other things, like the escapism (television, video games, etc.) potentially need to be done in a balanced way?

  Surrender everything. If it is meant to be yours, Goddess will give it back better.

  Balance is important but what I see is a lot of judgments about yourself. Surrender those too.

  Energy headaches are usually from the crown chakra closing. Blocked chimney.

  Take it easy with the kegels, build up slowly. Surrender often, it can really bring up the stuff to surrender.

    Good stuff!

I haven't posted in a while as I have had a couple of weeks of family things (travel) as we are thinking about moving from where I am now. We would be closer to Scotland and more nature along with people being friendlier. The water here is so hard and destroying my skin :-(

I have gone easy with the kegels and it seems that I am slowly building this up which is nice. I am seeing more sensation and happiness around this light excercise now. In addition, my meditations have improved quite a lot to the point where once my meditation were littered with distraction whereas now, there are still distractions, but not nearly the amount as before. I am finding rhythm in them.

I had a funny dream last night where I was to go assist a person with plumbing in anothers house. I thought that it was a case of mistaken identity, but went along with it anyway to see if I could solve the issue. The woman had a leak which I could feel on the outside of the lower middle of the house. It looked like a porcelain face which the water was coming out of. I thought about installing different plumbing, but was told that this wasn't the answer.

I think that the fact that it was a plumber who was helping me is encouraging as it would imply that the things which are causing issues with flow are being taken care of. It looks like I was taking things too literally in the dream, so perhaps thinking things in an analytical form when trust needs to be in place. I will have to look more in detail with this, but I am wondering if I get in my own way from time to time.

I am on the 'Void' lesson which was quite thought provoking to me. It reminded me of an episode that I had with LSD when I was 19 (many moons ago). I was at a Grateful Dead concert (my friends liked them and I forced myself to believe that I did - lol) and dropped the LSD. It was incredibly strong and I ended up having a peak experience where I had a fleeting glimpse of the oneness of all, but then a new thought came about which meant that now I would have to be splintered into many pieces (my psyche) and I would no longer exist. This terrified me and made the peak experience come crashing down quickly. I hadn't really thought about it for a long time, but when I read the lesson, it seemed to ring true. Whether or not this was an actual encounter with the Void is another story.

My practices have been still decent with building up the kegels. I am still not doing loads, but enough which is a pleasant feeling. Later on, this can sometimes result in intense nervous energy. I have gotten better at watching the energy and not trying to get enveloped in it. It can be a bit difficult with everything going on in the world including my own world, but I try to do it with surrender. Some days/events are better than others.

I have noticed that my thoughts seem to effect people even from a pretty long distance. I know about the quantum aspect of energy, but I haven't actually seen it in action from a distance until recently.

I still haven't had the ascension, but I will remain patient and dilligent. If and when I do have it, I would imagine that it will be an episode that I wouldn't soon forget, so I am certain that this hasn't happened yet. I am sure that there are still many more things that need to be surrendered. :-)

Well, I have now reached my pre-graduation essay lesson. I have started writing it, but I do feel that there are aspects which I didn't do well in which would probably render any sort of graduation ritual premature. Those are Discernment (Body Talk, Open Heart Chakra), Divine Beloved, and Opening 3rd Eye.

For Discernment, the results are very inconsistent. I know that the effects are subtle, but depending on the day/time can yield issues for either chakra. I have also opened up to seeing if it is something else other than those two chakras involved with anything. Although, it isn't inline with what we are taught here, I do have a very rich dream life and wonder if it is possible that Goddess speaks to us there?

For Divine Beloved, I haven't witnessed this entity as independent outside of my imagination with ego pulling the strings. Sometimes, I can dream something and I will know that is likely Anima related (I am assuming that they are the same thing), but those are very much few and far between. Is there anything that can help with this communication?

Opening 3rd Eye - I may be fine here as I don't have issues with visualization, but I definitely haven't had the sort of light that never goes out experience when I close my eyes. If this is a byproduct, then I am definitely far off with this lesson. Perhaps with visualization, I am leading too much rather than using the visualization loosely and allowing the unconscious to take control and when I does, I take control again?

Those are just a few lessons which I am still struggling to get on top of.

On a positive note, I do feel like Kegels have greatly enhanced my meditations. Do these have the same effect as the normal lesson download in burning off karma? I have been surrendering loads and I do feel that dreams have been pointing me in directions where I should be focussing. Last night, I dreamed that I was on a train to a town in the UK called Brighton which I lived for many years (back when I led a more hedonistic lifestyle - I was a musician) which generally points to areas where I need to focus (especially with me being on a train), so I have been going with it to see where that gets me in addition to reviewing old lessons.

  When I wrote that 20 years ago, the pacing was based on the timeline of people I was working with much more directly, basically testing my guru attainments to carry them up. It was effective but unsustainable. If they had a fall from grace they did not know how to climb back out because they did not really know how they got up in the first place. If they went into resistance it would crash me too, could not clear their karma from me.

  So, time has shown that nobody really is ready to write me an essay after only a year of study. Your progress is fascinating to watch. If the Goddess magic were an ocean, you have gone from not being sure it exists, to wading in. Still a long ways from immersion. That your thoughts can affect others is a new idea for you... it is a measure of ego separation still remaining. You can revisit the Void anytime. The evocative silence.

  You raise the kundalini energy with kegels, it is to be done from a state of surrender to avoid force. Predictable pattern: raise more energy, feels good and it triggers the karma stuff for a down shift while it is processed, surrendered.  Trigger too much at once it can be unpleasant. Trigger way too much, there is danger of falling into resistance and growing psychosis around it.

   The kick from kegels comes with a hang over.  Nature of a fire path eh? Pro active but surrender is essential. It is put close to the end, trusting the student has become immersed in surrender deeply enough to handle the power with discernment and respect. If you have aced grounding and surrender, and realized the stuff of the past is nothing to attach to then you can judiciously use kegels to find remaining karma issues. So long as there is stuff to be surrendered, there will be the processing hangover.

  Just like your deadhead trip, peak experience followed by the ego fear triggered by the higher vibration energy. Grounding and surrender were not the default in you then. The more the response becomes engrained as reflex, the safer you are to push the envelope with how much energy you can handle without suffering afterwards.  There is no rush. Be gentle with yourself. Stop and smell the roses.

 

 

Thank you for the reply, Mystress. :-)

This course has been incredibly interesting on so many levels. It has really altered my direction in life.

I will continue to review lessons and the forum for now and apply those to my practice. It has been a very gradual sort of adventure which is perfect for me as I do have the practical responsibility of being the bread winner for my family. I read about the other Vamps on the site and the personal changes that they take on so quickly and realize that must be really difficult, so I am grateful for the pacing that I am exposed to now.

I am going back over older lessons starting with Body Talk which has me going back through them anyway. So far, this has gone well. I will carry on with this as I am feeling an incremental amount of strengthening with grounding and energy in general.

I did have a moment of this expanding peace during a meditation last week when I did a prayer when I was finishing up. I would have liked to carry on with this, but I had to go back to work :-( Perhaps I should have bunked off of work...

On a slightly funny note, I had a synchronicity with an episode of SpongeBob SquarePants. At work, I have had a bit of an anxious weekend which was regarding a colleague who was throwing his teammates under the bus. In the SpongeBob episode, Squidward was undermining SpongeBob for a chance at a dance audition. Squidward succeeded in tiring SpongeBob out that he missed the audition and Squidward went to the audition and got the part. Upon getting the part, he found out that his archrival was the director of the show and proceeded to do the same things to Squidward. Whether or not this is something that happens to my colleague who was undermining his teammates is another question, but it seemed apt at the time.

Wow - nearly a whole month has gone by. I have been bad with doing diary entries this past month, however, I have had some interesting experiences, but those have been mainly related to energy in the body. For example, during my second meditation last night, I left so much energy that it felt like I was about ready to pop. There was quite a lot of heat that I have experienced before, but the dial was turned up this time. It seems like this sort of energy comes in waves: it ebbs and flows over my meditation.

I have also went and tried to start to really focus on my past and things which holds emotional content. When I do this, I have surrender the initial thing and then see what the next thought is that pops up in my mind. Generally, it something linked and I surrender this as well.

This morning, I started off with grounding, some kegels and then a surrendering meditation when I had a thought about the Divine Beloved and how I could actually start imagination with this (which I have been doing more and more over the past month) and the words 'You're doing great' popped into my head and I felt that this was the Heart Voice. I felt a fluctuation around this area, so I do think that was definitely it, but it was nice to have a validation of sorts.

Anyway - I will continue with my practice as it is going well. Having said that, it has always gone well with practices here. It has been a slow building up of things to get where I am today, so I am grateful for this site :-)

I had quite a vivid Anima dream last night. I have been having them over and over for past couple of weeks, but last night was the most vivid: I was on a date with a woman who I dated about 12 years ago. When I dated her years ago, she was a nightmare and we didn't last very long. I see her in my dreams often and I think that she is representative of the negative aspects of my ideal woman - a shadow-side of the divine beloved, if you will. This time the woman had reformed and was now very nice to me. She also morphed in a appearance eventually and wanted to seduce me. This changed into watching as my own appearance shifted and I watched myself in the 3rd person as we walked into a place which would record our sex session for virtual reality later. I woke up with her saying to me that I needed to do something about the situation. This also comes hot on the heels of another dream which this also started to occur in a dream the night prior, however not as direct of a message.

Now I know that the Divine beloved features quite heavily in the lessons here, but for me it has always been in dreams where she has appeared and generally it is not in this context, so hopefully, I am doing something right. Usually, she is someone who is someone who is distant in dreams and I don't actually ever get, but now it seems like it is a possibility.

 I think you are doing well. Glad you were quick to realize the ex in your dream is your own reflection.

  Connecting with the DB in dreams is good, it often starts there... but developing a connection while awake is essential. Whether Goddess heart voice, Divine Beloved or Planetary Consciousness... discernment... Knowing what is Her will for you, is essential navigation.  It takes time to grow it, persistence is key but also resolving hidden resistance.

  A scene we have all seen before, in movies or TV: someone is on the phone or two way radio, making fake static noises and claiming a bad connection so they can pretend not to hear what is being said. It is a power game, an effort to retain control.

  Asleep, you are open, receptive. Ask yourself, your guidance, about what you are doing to sabotage the connection while awake, so you can continue to maintain an illusion of control over your own life? 

   Ever see the movie Constantine, with Keanu Reeves? I fell asleep half way through but was intrigued by the premise. Constantine is a Christian exorcist, a demon killer to is destined to go to hell, no matter how much good he does, because of his attempted suicide when he was younger. The angel tells him "you took a life, it is a mortal sin. There is no redemption."

  I do not believe in the Christian hell, and I want to believe there is always room for redemption... I also know, people who have not learned it is wrong to harm others, end up in a bardo (afterlife) of total isolation from which there is no escape, until loneliness turns them catatonic and they fray away to nothing. I was contemplating why some suicides end up there, and got the insight that our lives are not our own, so murder and suicide are the same crime. Theft- taking what is not ours to take. The most precious, priceless thing: a human life.

   There are some world philosophies that say the same, we do not belong to ourselves. Our lives are not our own. Who or what we do belong to, opinions vary... but when K awakens, we belong to Goddess.

  Ego, and yes especially male ego, does not like the idea. Wants to believe itself autonomous, king. In control.

   I feel that accepting that your life is not your own, might be key to silencing the static. To opening the connection to Goddess, your owner.

Thank Mystress. You are right. When viewing my life through this prism, I probably waste so much time with things which hold me back. I suppose that in essence, I am probably lost in many ways and get in my own way quite a lot.

The funny thing is that I have had a couple of dreams which more or less told me this. It was showing me that perhaps I am looking at this as a race and the more that I try, the further that I fall away. Both dreams were exactly like this - there were literal races in it.

Hopefully, I am on the correct path now.

So I am carrying on with the heart voice lessons and have been doing it for the past week. Unfortunately, I haven't really gotten anywhere. I suspect that I must have some issues related to it that I am not aware of. When I do the work and -focus on the heart, I find that I feel like I am going to cough afterwards - Almost like something is loosened up, but I still do not know what it is.

I do know that it does get me down a bit that this portion isn't working. I surrender what I can during meditation and also during waking life, but I feel like I am stuck in a hamster wheel with the food just out of my reach. I will carry on with it and research the forum as I am sure that others have also run into the same issues.

The heart voice needs the throat chakra to communicate.

Throat chakra blockages in men: "Big boys don't cry."
In women it is "if you cannot say anything nice, do not say anything at all."

  Clearing instructions, search for "bark like a dog" lol

  Watching some very sad movies might shake things loose.

  Sometimes people already have the heart voice but they get confused expecting something different.

  Think of a time when you had a thought and you could feel with your whole body that the thought was true. Then examine the mind-voice that spoke the thought. Does it match the heart voice description?

Thanks Mystress. I will have a look at the Bark Like a Dog link. lol!

I did have an interesting experience when I grounded last night before bedtime. Usually, as I get more and more tired, the more in tune that I feel with chakras. I have had a lot of sensation from the heart as well because of the work. So I lay down and grounded one more time and tried. I asked it if it could hear me and I was bolted to attention with a definitive 'Yes'. I relaxed myself and ask a series of questions and I got fragments of complete sentences which I wasn't really able to fully understand, but they were all in context to the question. During this exercise, I did one thing different which was to concentrate on the aura after a grounding. I will keep experimenting, but hopefully this is the breakthrough that I was hoping for as it seemed like the sentences was a continuous conversation that has always been happening.

I have also been seeing something more interesting with FST which is detachment more and more. I still have my moments, for sure, but also have an increasing amount of time in a sort of a state of acceptance, so I am very grateful for that :-)

I searched for 'bark like a dog', but it didn't turn anything up. I have kept on with the Heart voice and will keep on for now.

Can you clear chakras by just concentration? I did this over the week and swapped between the Heart and Throat. When I did this, I did have some insights. I think that I was looking at potential blockages as being solely things which were directed against me, but I then started thinking about how I treated people when I was younger. I surrendered these. I am sure that there are loads more which needs to be examined and surrender.

Today, I seemed to have a sort of massive sensation from the heart when I focussed again in a nice way. This was after a dream last night where I saw a big thawing of a snow covered mountain which I am attributing to things progressing well.

I also wondered about the karma in the body. Is it possible that with this surrender that these muscular karmic issues disappear?

I had an interesting experience yesterday while watching a show that I am not a fan of with my wife, Strictly Come Dancing (she loves it). After my meditation in the afternoon, where I kept my focus on the heart and surrendered any distraction that came up, I felt incredibly weepy during this show which is highly unusual. I haven't ever really felt moved by dancing or music (and I used to be a musician!) to nearly shed tears. I have always found empathy and compassion difficult and was told by more than a few that my heart chakra was blocked, so it was an unusual moment for sure, but I think a positive one.

Also - I found the Bark Like a Dog link (thanks Leos!)

I have been performing meditations on heart and throat chakra for the past week. I will give it another week. Occassionally, I will go ahead and try the heart voice questions, but to no avail yet. I will give it more effort next week after another week of heart/throat chakras.

I am finding the if I leave it too late for an evening meditation, which I do normally, I will get a lot of different voices which usually comment on things which were in my mind during the day and not relaed to the question. During the day, I don't get anything usually - either from words in my head nor sensations from the heart voice. That being said, I do know when I am grounded during a grounding and it usually is far before my visualization actually gets to the fiery crystal. I get a sensation in the heart which tells me so. In that context, it is fine.

I will carry on. I wonder if I am making this more difficult than it is.

QuoteI will carry on. I wonder if I am making this more difficult than it is.

  It is always our own doing, Goddess does not place obstacles.

  All the voices and noise and stuff that comes up, is the karma that is blocking you, rising to be cleared.  Goddess gets it right, showing you what needs to be released... stubborn you, didn't listen.

  Being the doer, so goal oriented, trying to force your way... instead of flowing with what comes. Setting a time limit, even! That is all ego control games, not surrender.

  Ego, has an investment in measuring progress, goal oriented. Spirit knows that growing never ends, even after the mind that wants to measure it, is set aside. That there is only here, and now, and attempts to measure progress take you out of the moment.

  You do not connect to Goddess with your mind, but through the body and its language of feelings and memories. Focus on the body sensations of discernment, and on surrendering what comes. Words, after all, can be a very limited form of communication... a picture is worth a thousand.

  Communication is happening, just not in the form you want yet. The language of the body, is emotions, sensations, impressions and memories. Body-first path. The body is speaking, learn its language.

 

Thanks for your very insightful response, Mystress.

I had a dream last night which puzzled me until now. I was in a room and was trying to listen to my heart voice through a window. The voice came through and was telling me something which made sense, but I couldn't remember when I woke up.

I had read your reply earlier and I sat down the meditate about the meaning of the dream when your phrase about a picture being worth a thousand words popped in my mind. It made a lot of sense. I have been listening out of a window when I should have been looking for pictures. I forgot rule number 1 of dream interpretation: Generally, they should be taken as criticism and not validation of something.

Hopefully, I can build on this now. :-)

The past couple of week have been stressful because of work. I have actually felt bi-polar during it as I went from fear/anxiety thoughts to just being and not being bothered. My wife remarked on it as usually, I am relatively steady. She has been such a God-send with patience when seeing my private melt-downs which I think are control related. There is uncertainty on the job front as our company was bought out, but I can only do my best and hope. However, there is a silver lining to this uncertainty and that is the potential to move cities to something more cosmopolitan (Edinburgh) which is more agreeable to me and probably the family as a whole. In Edinburgh, there is nature close by, but also the aspects of different cultures on your doorstep so there is that option of improving all aspects of our life.

I feel like the heart is opening slowly. I haven't been doing heart concentrations this week, but the sensations remained. I have altered my meditations slightly over the past few weeks though. I do kegels before I meditate and then just do a noticing/surrendering meditation afterwards. This feels like it is the correct approach (my heart feels warm with me typing this). The kegels feel like they burn things off in the body. For example, yesterday when doing them, it felt like a pop in the heart. Other times, it has been other areas, but it feels like I am heading in the right direction when I go with the flow and not think too much.

On a funny note, I have been watching documentaries about cults recently and saw a couple, 'Holy Hell' and 'The Source Family' which I wondered if they were examples of Kundalini psychosis as they seemed to be. The cults started with altruism and ended with human flaws and likely a fall from grace on both accounts. They were both a very good watch though.

I have been continuing the kegels before grounding (and just afterwards). This seems to bring about different sensations. I do get a little cough from the heart and last night (it always passes), I had what seemed to be a sort of swelling feeling in the heart and throat. I have had instances in the past where this swelling seemed to 'pop' which was interesting sensations. It feels like there is an expansion of lighter sensations than before which has actually spread out to my arms as well. Quite interesting things from a sensation perspective happens in nearly every meditation either from a audible perspective or a sensation perspective, so from that, I am grateful.

Having said that, the heart voice is still very inconsistent. I find that I have better odds on hearing it if I focus on my aura. This seems to help. I was told last night to continue counting to 10 indefinitely or so I thought which seems to improve concentration.

I also find that in dreams that if the message isn't picked up, you get the same message, but in a different format. I dreamed that I was in a class where I was far ahead in the book that we were studying. The rest of the class was much further behind. This was followed by a dream where I was in some lecture about magic with some of my former compatriots. They praised me in the meeting while I didn't want to join the group. I felt that it would be a rehash of what I already went through. I look at both of these as being perhaps feeling that I am further along than I really am. Not that it is an issue,  but I suppose there is always that hope :-) At least I now know - lol.

I think that my energy levels have kicked up a notch. This seems to be in response to my approach on things. I am finally getting into the groove with the Witness state and gratitude with moments every day. I didn't use to do this as much before. With this approach, it makes the paranoia/anxiety that I had previously subside dramatically. As a result, perhaps I am being rewarded with more energy?

My experience with the heart voice is similar to Leos - I too feel the swelling of the heart when things are true which I didn't really prior. Occasionally, I will get words in my mind, but this is the exception at the moment.

I have also attempted to do more with the Divine beloved, but this one looks to be a bit further out. I can just about manifest imagery in hypnagogia and at chance in dreams, but that is all for now.

With the increase of energy, I have to concentrate on my breath to sleep at night - lol! If I do any scanning of the body or pay attention to any energy fluctuation in the body when trying to sleep, I may as well forget it because it amplifies the sensation which then spreads. If I concentrate on the breath, I do fall asleep. This was something unforseen, but I am getting through it now.

I have been feeling an increase of more lightness in the body over the past couple of weeks. I noticed this a while back, but I wasn't really sure what that actually meant. This has increased over time to encompass arms as well (not the entire arm, but this has expanded). This also means that this heart feeling has gotten stronger during it. My thoughts is that potentially this could be related to karma in the body being released?

In addition, I have started to approach my meditations a little differently than before. Some of this was because I didn't feel that I was getting relaxed enough sitting down. When I lie down, that is never an issue. With concentration, I will generally get some sort of hypnagogia which is potentially a distraction, but I recognize it now and try to show love/acceptance to the distraction and surrender it. These distractions/hypnagogia were things which may have triggered me in the past or potentially lulled me into a light sleep. This no longer happens, so I feel comfortable meditation on the back. It is probably better for my back anyway as I am sitting at my desk for most of the day.

I also have really tried to recognize during waking times of things which trigger me and surrender (or go into the witness) those when they crop up. I am not always successful, but since the turn of the year, I have improved with this. So all in all, a lot of improvements.

QuoteMy thoughts is that potentially this could be related to karma in the body being released?

  Yes. The body-first approach is almost, mechanical eh? Karma is emotional baggage stuff, is blockages in the energy body and as you clear them via surrender your mind becomes clearer, and there is more room for life energy to flow so your vibration rises and you become shinier.

  Keep at it, eventually you run out of karma and attain... but life keeps throwing you more, so the cleansing discipline is life long, maintaining the higher vibrational state where life flows so beautiful.

   The hypnagogic images before sleep are also a form of surrender, release. I call it the slideshow. Just watch them flowing by on their way out, it gives a feeling of great peace. Sitting beside the river watching the stuff float past and away.

   The mystery of the mystery school is not that karma clearing increases your vibration,  that part is almost mechanical. It is in the wonder of how Goddess/ your DB organizes, sorts it and presents it for your free will to choose to release. The beautiful dance.

Thank you for you response Mystress. I am happy to report that I am making more progress. I do a light kegel and hold it for a portion of the meditation and then relax. I have found this better than doing continuous pulsing and I can also slow the mind down as I do it. I did this last night and felt an wave of what can be decribed as a vibration which was rattling. I am sure that this was more shaki and I understood the metaphor about the snake. Up until now, I hadn't any idea.

I did have some instances of this still voice, but those are still fleeting. I have made marginal improvements in both heart voice and body talk, but still have some way to go. I am finding a gentle approach is working better in all areas.

I have to work on the witness state in more areas than others. I have purposely detached myself from people in my working environment who used to get me with political discourse. I have continually surrendered this and practiced the witness state and this has come down considerably. I just need to apply it in more areas where trigger points are more prevalent.

Meditations have continued. I know that heart voice/body talk/divine beloved are central to this course, but I can't actually say that I am any closer to seeing results with these although I do note more heat around the heart recently. I can't really note something which I have no control over or any method of understanding, I can only just keep meditating and practicing. Whenever, I think that I am progressing (aka most of my posts here - lol), I look at them now and think that I really have no idea. I will keep on with my practice though :-)

I had a hilarious dream where my boss was Vladamir Putin and he offered me a job at half my pay which I declined, but was trying to impress him into paying me my worth.

I woke up and scratched my head, but will note that this is likely linked with a character at work who really unsettles me. I know things that he does and has done in the past (gossiping, etc), but I try to follow a high road. I go so annoyed with the guy (offline) that I found it hard to meditate last night. I know that this is a large projection/repression on my own part which is difficult to get rid of. I suppose that it ended up in a dream because of that repression (when I thought that I was surrendering it). I thought that I would note it here as perhaps this could help in the surrendering process.

It's been a while since I posted on here. Life has been pretty full on over the past couple of weeks. We have bought a new puppy - a border collie, so we are getting used to that. As a result, my meditation schedule has only recently gotten back to normal. It was really a week or so where things were difficult.

What is interesting with having a pet (the first since I was a child) was that it brought up some odd feelings which weren't pleasant and ones which I scarely recall. I have accepted the feelings and surrendered them. I realize that they are a part of me.

Also, the meditations are starting to bring about this feeling (still aways off) which seems orgasmic or the beginning of one. Also, I feel that there is more communication occurring with the unconscious which is coming back either in pictures or words. This isn't consistent, but it seems like the beginning of the communication although what do I know? I go in now with no expectations and try not to judge progress as I really haven't a clue on where I am. I can only note things which haven't really occurred before.

I feel like there are a lot of positives coming from meditations recently. I want to believe that the Heart Voice/Discernment seem to happen a lot more than I realized. It usually will pop in forms of pictures or almost a stray comment or phrase and is usually the first thing in my mind when a question comes in. Sometimes this will happen when I question as to whether this was the heart voice is when I get the warm feeling the the heart - so a combination of different things. It feels very early days and inconsistent at the moment, but in addition it also seems really natural and probably been there all along, but I was trying too hard when I just needed to relax into it.

 Border collies are the smartest breed. You have to walk or entertain them about 5 hours a day or they get bored and make up their own fun, like, shredding your couch. On the plus side you can train them to do almost anything, if you are patient. Have you seen the videos of people teaching their dogs to talk via sound buttons? One dog is up to five word sentences and has started making up his own words. "Play poo" means fart. Funny and accurate!

QuoteIt feels very early days and inconsistent at the moment, but in addition it also seems really natural and probably been there all along, but I was trying too hard when I just needed to relax into it.

  It always was there but crowded out by the noise of ego. Your practice is bearing good fruits.  Glad you are getting into the flow.

Thanks for the response, Mystress.

Yeah - Benji (dog) is a smart one. He was trained to ring some bells to go outside. I showed him once for about 10 minutes and he never forgot. The funny thing is that with pups, like small children, do not know when to have a nap - lol.

I had another instance of this feeling which happened a couple of months back. It was a sort of spacey/fuzzyness which was familiar and reminded me of dreams when I was very small. It felt very distant as well. It lasted about 10 minutes before dissipating somewhat. I didn't feel like I could 'try' to get this state back and yet almost felt like I could as well which was an odd feeling.

I am trying to stay in the moment more often during the day which I do feel helps a great deal - an almost waking meditation.

I had a few insights over the past few weeks which seem pertinent. I wonder if things that distract me in thoughts/feelings are always my karma. I am sure that I must have read that here, but I am equally certain that it is very true.

I am finding that I am more apt to shrug my shoulders now with things which used to wind me up which is a positive change. I still have bouts with the usual things anger & impatience primarily, but less so in the political arena and the world state (ie - Covid, Climate Change, etc). I am trying to leave those sort of things up to Goddess and offering my servitude instead of worrying. It is certainly more peaceful, but I certain have a lot more growing to do.

Also, my meditation seem to bring about some hints of deeper vibration that seem to get stronger if I try to pray during a meditation. However, after the prayer, this vibration can expand or hint at expansion. It seems like an evolution. I don't know what triggers it and really, it probably doesn't matter how I got there. I will keep with that approach and hopefully things will progress.

Wow - has it already been over one month? I have been really bad with writing diary entries both on my personal diary and in this forum. On the whole, quite a lot has happened during this time. Around mid-March, I had an interaction with a work colleague who through our exchange, really got me excited in the world of finance and cryptocurrency. I feel like this is the future of finance and almost in a sense an extension of what Covid did to the workforce - forced them to think in a decentralized manner in how they do things. It seems as though cryptocurrency will likely do that to normal fiat currency due to the decentralization of the utility tokens and currencies although it is still in its infancy. Anyway, I have been quite taken by it and delved into it, but not neglecting my meditations, which have also gotten better.

I have been developing a sort of impression which is the first thing that pops into my head which occurs before any thought. I have been trying to pay attention to this because it has been correct every time. Generally, it comes in a picture format, but sometimes can be a word or a phrase. Once I think about something, it will sometimes happen before logical thought. Just the other day I was reminded of a passage of a dream that I had the night before. I was playing with my puppy, who is now losing his baby teeth, in a tug of war when I was shown a flash of a dream from the night before of the dog losing a tooth. I stopped and remarked this to my wife and then noticed the blood on the toy before finding the tooth. Oddly, the dog wanted to keep playing, so it didn't seem like it was in pain or potentially worse - it didn't care and it wanting to play factored more. This sort of event has been occurring more and more and in addition, the heart swelling has developed more as well when something feels right to do. Which leads me to the cryptocurrency and the world of finance - this feels like the thing that I have been wanting to do for ages: the career path that merges things that I find interesting and seems tailor-made for me.  I haven't had that feeling before with another venture and it was probably because it didn't exist prior or I wasn't ready for it.

Anyway, I will carry on with the practices. I really do need to write in the diary a lot more. :-)

QuoteI have been developing a sort of impression which is the first thing that pops into my head which occurs before any thought. I have been trying to pay attention to this because it has been correct every time.

  Is good, and yes that is how it works when you are getting in tune. Goddess does not need to think, to know and Her responses are immediate, quicker than your thoughts could manage. The more you surrender the more transparent you become, the more detailed the information. Opening up by getting yourself, your ego out of the way.

  Isn't it lovely, to not have to throw the tarot cards or do the chant or trance, light candles for the ritual... but to simply know what you need to know, in the moment that you need to know it, effortlessly? It is like some kind of super power... Speaking to the paths you walked before FST. The difference when you put Goddess first eh?

Thanks for the response, Mystress.

To be honest, I didn't feel like I was getting anywhere with Magick and saw results here quickly, so yes to your question :-) I found the practices very mind numbing after a bit. I know that the practices resonate with some of the people who stayed, but it wasn't for me eventually. This course has taught me that I know nothing - lol. I am also learning now not to judge and it is hard, but I am getting better. Knowing that everything that triggers me is something that exists in myself makes it a little easier to keep an open mind when someone is doing that I know exists within myself.

I have also been getting these blasts of sexual energy. They aren't all the time, but this is more frequent than before and seems like progress.

I still have inconsistent blasts of sexual energy. Naturally, I try to understand it within the context of what I did or didn't do which means that I am still trying to control it even though that I know that I can't - lol. I will say that praying directly to Goddess during a phase of the meditation does seem to have a good effect.

I am starting the course again and really trying to work on my trigger points. I will work my way back to the end. I don't really feel like I am consistent with the heart voice, but there is something which does seem to be there which wasn't prior. It seems like the portion which could be developed from a point of meditation although sometimes this happens outside of it.

I had a dream which was the Anima last night. It was a dream in which we were superheroes and we had to break into a flat at the top to get something (I forget what - we were superhero thieves - lol). I flew up feet first which wasn't a surprise for the anima (who was a girl who I had a crush on years ago). For me, this seemed to be directly related to kundalini, but I am going up backwards? I woke up in love.

Unfortunately, for me this hasn't occurred in the flesh :-( Hopefully at some point in the near future.

I have been off in Spain to visit the inlaws and came back with a nice cold/flu. Thanks inlaws! ;-)

Being away on holiday, I tried my best for meditation and had a couple of excellent sessions which was new. I have been doing some praying during these sessions and it does seem to work well, so I will continue.

I also am going through the lessons again and going to focus on strengthening my connection to Goddess. I have been getting Heart Voice comments here and there during things more consistently which really doesn't seem to be different from what I used to write here - lol, but it seems that the approach is. I am finding that my concentration needs to be really lax, so that it is more like a slight observation rather than more focussed. This has really changed the quality of the meditations.

On a side note, I finished reading a great book, 'The New Confessions of an Economic Hitman', and it was really odd that during the end, he made this observation - 'Today’s revolution is much bigger than the American Revolution. It is bigger than the agricultural or industrial revolutions. It is nothing less than a consciousness revolution. The change in consciousness includes a transition from masculine, hierarchical mind-sets and actions to ones that are more fluid, egalitarian, and feminine.'

I didn't expect to read this in this sort of book :-)

I am finding that sitting down even for work seems to have a similar sensation to kegels - even more so. I don't really want to start altering the meditation, but perhaps my body is trying to tell me something? I will have to query this to discern as this is finally getting a bit better.

I am finding myself getting erections when meditating now. It has happened a couple of times in the recent past, but now it seems to happen more often. I asked for my Divine Beloved to clear out blockages, etc and about this time, I could feel this energy which produced the erection. I was doing not much other than loose concentration and trying to surrender things which may come up. When I noticed the physical sensation, I asked my Divine Beloved to show me that she was there and was hit with a nice sensation which started from the sexual organ and went upwards. It wasn't an orgasm feeling, but very pleasant nonetheless.

Swelling in heart region is much improved for discernment, but not as much from the gut yet. It is still inconsistent - well, actually both are inconsistent, but at least the heart is much more responsive than it used to be.

I talked before about my body feeling lighter and lighter before, but this has now spread a lot more to a majority of the torso. The best way to describe it is like blood rushing there where it wasn't before. I also have this on the tip of my nose. During meditation, I am feeling more shakti from grounding and it is very pleasant - even more than before. I also feel like this comes as a massive flow of sexual energy, but it doesn't linger and feels like it goes up after a period. All in all - very interesting. :-)

All good rewards of diligent practice of surrender. Life energy flowing where it was blocked before, and the reduction of the karma tension gives improved blood flow. The result is the increase of vibration. Lighter. En-lighten-ment. Getting lighter.

  Interesting to feel the body responding sexually in the absence of any usual sexual stimulation?  You are opening to a quite delicious phase where previous sexual programming is let go in favour of energy orgasms in response to beauty. Goddess is All so the Beloved is in everything and beauty can strike a powerful sexual pleasure response.
  Like the old books promise, if you enjoy it without looking for release, it flows upward instead, purifying. The ancients thought they were somehow shooting their own semen up their spinal cord, physically impossible, obviously. It is all about the energy. Sexual pleasure without the usual sexual context or triggers, has a lovely sort of innocence and purity to it, as if your sexuality is new. Open to it, explore it.
  FST us not a celibate path, at least one ejaculation per week is needed to keep your prostate healthy.

  Men have a bit of erectile tissue at the tip of the nose, and it is also part of the third eye. You are opening up!

Thanks Mystress! I hope that it is opening up as it seems so.

Not much has change over the last week and a half outside of some incremental improvements on discernment which is always welcome. I am getting more consistency with the heart swelling, but the power chakra is still not great. I suspect that this will come about with more surrender. I have been trying to let emotions go through me and surrender these which is easier said than done, but I will have to continue down that path.

I am finding the inner transformation unusual in the fact that it also seems to be taking place during outer Earth transformation. I am not suggesting anything with that as I haven't a clue what the Divine Plan is.

I have been asking the Divine Beloved daily for blockages to be removed in the Sushumna and also to take my perceptions over, so that I may experience her better. I will say that only a modest amount of dreams with her involved has happened, but that is it, so far. The last one was a woman masked with a white veil, so that I couldn't see what she looked like. The woman wanted to seduce me and I felt a longing and love - with these feeling, I probably woke myself up a bit, but just before, the woman had a face which was gorgeous as you'd expect.  :-)

I have had some interesting things happening in the past couple of weeks. I have been noticing that if I am searching for something on my pc and I can't find it, I often find that somehow when I come back to normal consciousness after a period of thinking of where I put it, I am hovering over what I was looking for. It is uncanny.

Also, my heart voice has improved. I am tuning into it more, but it seems to vary in its response. Sometimes pictures and sometimes a word. I probably need to learn to stay in trance when I hear something. For example - I asked whether the planetary changes are because of mans resistance to Goddess or because it is Her will - the answer 'both'. That made me laugh.

I also had a thought during todays meditation about not ejaculating during the week to see what happens - there was a phrase then, but I only picked up on 'reward' and I felt the sexual energy going upwards, albeit not as strong.

It looks like I will need to leave it for a spell and see where we go :-)

I have gone without in the past week and feel the energy going upwards again and staying there. There is a bit of a burning feeling around the top of my forehead as well as around the heart, but it varies. I will keep at this and see where we go.

I do feel like I have things in my own environment which are there to be cleansed out of the system and it is difficult to let old behaviours/habits go without acting on the feeling whatever that may be. I need to be alert in order to head it off and fail often, but today is a new day.

On another note, I have been taking Chlorella/Bamboo Charcoal for the past few weeks and it has made a massive difference on my skin issues. I have psoriasis on the bottoms of my feet, one hand and on my scalp. The foot condition has been present for about 20 years and the scalp/palm for about 6 years, so it looks like this detox is working well whether it be mold/etc. Fingers crossed that it helps my son. Upon first glance, it seems to be improving him as well, but it may act slower as with neurodevelopment that never existed, I would expect that. I think that my wife and I both have a form of auto-immune issues that we passed on to our unlucky son.

What is interesting about the whole detox thing is that it seems to be in conjunction with the 'breakthroughs' that I seem to be having with the FST work. Hopefully that continues :-)

Still on the celibate path and I am finding more energetic things occurring. At one point during a meditation earlier, it felt like my heart would burst. I just noticed it and went back to the meditation. I am getting a lot of warmth in the stomach, heart and from the nose and up through my forehead. I had a portion of it around the crown, so the purifying aspect (which Mystress mentioned) seems to be occurring. My meditations seems to be going slightly deeper in which I am in a light trace which seems like a 'sweet' spot to me and feels nice. I have continued the surrender, but in the past month or so, things seem to have gone faster.

I have carried on with the re-reading of the lessons and my meditations have gotten better than before. I get to a stage now where the noticing becomes uncluttered and very relaxing where I could stay there all day. In addition, I also am better in identifying the many many triggers that I have. It is difficult to watch them go by once they start, but I do try and am getting better with this. I found that this celibacy was probably another form of resistance that needed to be let go as I am not really in a position of dictating when I will progress. It's probably better to let it go.

My general health has improved with the binding of mold out of my system. As I went down this rabbit hole of trying to find out what was the matter with my autistic son, we discovered that he has mold and thus we all likely had it. Once I did this, I also learned about the impact of GMOs on the body as well as I lived in the USA for about 10 years as GMOs were brought to the market. It probably weakened my gut flora and allowed this autoimmune issue that was compounded with mold.  However, I am grateful to be able to experience any of this at all and not really getting caught up in the labelling of the experience. It has taken a long while for that to happen and I still have my many times where I am feeling negative about a particular experience (like having to work at my job - lol), but at least there is another reaction which is to be happy about the experience good or bad.

I still dream about my magic days and miss the people from those organizations, but as Mystress said a few posts ago - I don't miss the preparation to getting down to meditate - and they really were lengthy - pentagrams and waving hands/visualizations. Once you did all of those, it became nearly impossible to actually relax and meditate. I much prefer the simplicity of something quick, easy and natural.

I think that I have had either a breakthough or myocarditis (lol). Over the past month (maybe two), I have noticed a heart swelling which isn't painful, but potentially more than subtle. It feels as if I took a swift intake of breath. It is inconsistent, so far, but does also happen if I am sitting around and paying attention to it. I won't be calling the doctors just yet until I do more testing which could take some time.

Heart voice is slightly better as well which has answered questions in context with a phrase or something similar. What is interesting about this is that it has been around for a long long while, but I think that the language usually didn't make sense. It seems that surrendering while acting on that surrender (meaning not acting on old emotional content, but watching it) it seems that this helps immensely and improves things.

So I did end up going to the doctor to rule anything out physically and it seems ok. They told me that I was stressed (I didn't feel stressed) and it very well could be. It is something which started where it feels like a bubble which comes up from the solar plexus and continues to the heart where it feels like an expansion there. This occurs really only when I am paying attention which is generally during meditation (although before I went to get it checked out, it was happening more frequently). Unfortunately, it is a little inconsistent, but does happen in context more often than not. As this does originate from the solar plexus, I do have my doubts about it being a variation of 'body talk'. If I concentrate on the solar plexus during a meditation, it feels full of energy. At any rate, I will continue carrying on with everything.

We can certainly say that we live in interesting times. I am visiting my folks and immediate family in Florida and have been diagnosed with Covid when we are due to leave in under 48 hours. My symptoms are light at the moment: just an occasional cough and a mild headache. Unfortunately, it has thrown a large wrench into my return trip home to the UK. :-(

Thankfully, I was already pre-treating supplements beforehand and happened to have bought a lot of other things here: Vit C, D and Zinc and we have used melatonin alot, which also helps fight the virus. As it is pretty early on in the infection, I will try one more test and hope that it was a false positive.

I'd bet money it is a false positive and symptoms via empathy not infection. Let us know how it goes?

Thanks Mystress. Unfortunately, it was real. I had another test and it was the same. Nearly my whole family have also tested positive, including my triple vaxxed mother. We have had to make different arrangements which was a lot of fun - lol.

My symptoms are still similar. Hopefully I get over it by Tuesday or I will have to go through all of this again. - lol :-)

Well I am surprised, thought your grounding is tight! Holidays can be so stressful. Blessings sent, please keep us updated.

It wasn't so stressful until I tested positive just before I was to come back to the UK. That was when my nightmare began because I was out of pocket. My experience of the virus was like a head cold for a few days, so it wasn't this nasty thing which others have had. My sister, for instance, got the first strain and struggled to breathe., so I got off lightly.

Anyway - back to going over lessons again. :-)

So the breakthrough which I thought that I had happens to really be heart palpitations. I have a left branch bundle block when I have no heart problems in the family. I don't think that palpitations is the subtlety that heart swelling pertains to. :-)  It does seem that the palpitations are about .1% of all beats. I went to the emergency room when I started having palpitations and was left with the doctor saying that I had anxiety. I knew that it was more than this as I am pretty relaxed and never had an anxiety attack in my life, so got a second opinion and a heart monitor. Outside of that, my life is really going ballistic at the moment - selling house, trying to treat my autistic son, increased work responsibility and in addition to the world affairs that we find ourselves in, it is certainly a very interesting time in my life. It feels very intense, but I feel pretty relaxed about it.

I do feel that kegels now no longer give me headaches. I don't go to town with them, but I started again in small sets. So far so good. At times I feel like the energy is really flowing, particularly at night. I have been having anima dreams, but none of the magical things just yet. I will carry on :-)

It's been a while since I posted here, but I really didn't have much to report since my last entry. I am still practicing and have some feelings in my nose area where it does feel like you do when you jump into a pool and get water up your nose along with other energy fluctuations along the spine, so I suspect that both are physical sensations to a gradual opening.

Outside of the actual meditation practices, it seems like my experience of life seems to be in melt down. I know that others would have similar experiences as it seems that we are in an era where old structures are breaking down globally. From the Dutch farmers being told that their carbon footprint is too much while forecasting a food shortage in 2023, to digital IDs being renewed in Europe along with Covid Emergency powers being implemented permanently, it really seems like an old way of life is being forcibly taken away with the reasons for those ways being taken away being caused by decisions which took place months prior. You can't say that we don't live in interesting times and at times what I perceive to be an awakening on my part seems to run in concert with those old structures/beliefs melting away. I can't help but think that a lot of things that I previously believed about the world now seems to be at best a delusion and at worst - a lie.

During all of this, I do feel that I am slowly awakening and have a longing to get away from cities and to nature. Perhaps a simpler way of life is much more appealing than it would have previously.