Hello,
Well, Yesterday I was doing a lot of thinking about new things. Where my priorities are. I want to be a pilot, I want to be a compser, I want to be an artist. This is where my focus is. Whats the only thing stopping me? My body, my feelings. Then realised that I dont have to want to be any of these things. I already have them. The visions of beautiful music and strange art that cuts to my heart. I realise that I've been totaly working on these things, but not even working on me. My thoughts are too far out. I need to set one priority. Myself. Then everyting is possible.
So, I'm in the shower thinking of all of this (best place). And when I said that I'd have one priority now. Working on my body. My Feelings are getting better all the time now. But I felt bad. Ok... Why? I recognised my ego working, thinking that my body can't be healed so I should just work on the other stuff. This is so important that I recognised it. I did some more thinking and set it in stone. I will only work on my body, because thats what I need now to move to this other stuff. All thoughts are inside working on this only.
I start looking around and sending things up inside, small things... Do this for a bit. Then my thoughts start wandering around and I start talking to different parts of my body that hurt asking for there message for me. Most of it was about trust. So I wander around and go to the place that hurts the most in me and ask for it to talk to me nicely. I'm through with getting scarry stuff... Just tell me. It starts going on and on about things about my past and how I did the best I could and not to get stuck on it but just let it go. Just a lot of good things... I knew what its message originaly was, but I already have it now. Its done. I thanked it for its message and told it that I recieved the message and that it can go now. Go to Godess. Almost imedietly I started feeling things move around. I felt a ton of energy come up my spine going everywhere and filling everything. I felt my first chakra open and start pulling in energy again. It was a rush! Wow! I feel a LOT better.
So I'm just standing around thinking how cool this is and how glad I am that I know how to do this stuff now. How important it was to know about these things. About my talk with those others that dont know anything about this or themselves and.. I was just saying over and over, I'm so glad to know about this... So glad...
And I got incredibly sad instantly and coughed but it was a cry too. What? Huh?
Then I just hit the floor crying and crying and crying. I was just sooo happy that I have this knowledge. After so long. happy to understand what needs to be understood. After sooo long I am finally where I need to be inside. After years and years and years of sadness and confusion.. I am learning what's needed to be learned. Then things started going back in time. I saw how I was, how I felt inside, how I couldn't tell anyone. How I kept on going through it all, looking for something. How nobody could help me, how I was treated by all the doctors. How all my life I've been so hurt and confused and alone. And never knowing why. Nobody ever understanding. Never understanding myself. Just crying and crying. Working hard to make things work out, and them never working. Spending all my money on doctors who only made me feel worse. For years. Feeling so black inside and nobody could tell me why. All my years lost in blackness and pain. Watching my body fall away while I'm still in it. Feeling so incredibly bad inside. Wanting to kill myself every day for years. Watching other people move ahead with there lives while I die inside. I cannot even begin to describe it. Its impossible. Impossible. And all I wanted was to be happy. To feel the things I had inside of me. So nice to have.
Crying and crying...
Lots and lots of this. Then I saw what I did. Through all of this I kept on going. Through loss after loss after loss. I'd get up every day and keep going. Searching for what I knew I had inside. Being dead but for this one thought. Watching years go by as I remained the same. But never giving up. Going insane, but still staying alive and looking for some sort of answers. Everything lost but one thought. But never knowing what it really was, or what questions to ask, and to who.
Then I realised it. I was looking at me and the road I walked on to get here. A broken kid struggling to crawl forward. "You did it! You made it!" I kept saying. "You found it! After all this time, after all thats been done, this is it!" Just so sad at what it took and so happy at what I have now. So proud to see what I did. So strong to keep going through all of this. What a cost it's taken. But you did it anyways. WE MADE IT!
Then anger. Somone is going to pay for this! Look what they did to me! But I got the feeling that its all done, let it go.
I cried about so much time lost. All lost. But I got back... So much time gained. I didnt have to do this at all. Now I can move ahead with myself.
Then... I will bury you, and this past. With a monument to what you did. And I will resurect your spirit. Then we can be what we want to be, as we want to be.... Let it all go. Saw myself as I was long ago.. And what I can be again. Felt energy move through me that I had not felt in a long long time.
Just crying for I dont know how long....
So later I went out to a park I was shown to go to and felt the energy of the earth and the trees fill me up again. It was so nice. I felt like I had not felt since I was in 2nd grade. Walking around looking at the leaves. Sitting on the grass looking at the sky. Walking around tree's. One tree I felt surround me with a nice energy when I got close to it. But just having all that nice energy in me again that I thought lost to me forever.
So now I'm feeling pretty good about things. Its pretty amazing to feel like this. New energy flowing into me, healing me. This is just another part to what is happening with me now. But its a big one for now. And it never would have happened other than being here now and learning all of these new things that I NEED to know. I'm just so gratefull that Mystress is doing this. If you only knew how gratefull. I'm soo happy about all of this... Its incredible. Unreal. But its me! And I like it. Wow...
Thank you.
Take care...
Sean