I first want to surrender my fear of posting this. My belief that what i say can´t possibly be interesting and probably is bothering everyone, taking up space.
I surrender my guilt for not donating money to Mystress who has given so much but I have not done the eight times a day grounding so I can't continue with the course and time is just ticking by. I did not feel myself worth the effort as I just read in Mystress' post to Gopi. I surrender my laziness and I promise myself to do the grounding eight times a day!
I surrender my anger for not having been contacted after I payed for a session, I think it was last year. I did try to contact her by email but then I saw a post by Mystress talking about the student's lack of gratitude and I felt so guilty I could not ask her to do the session (and I was afraid anyway so it was a good excuse not to go through with it). But I was still angry. Angry and guilty is how I felt towards my father (whom I love deeply) because he let his wife scream at me and him and hurt me emotionally and physically (although he probably did not see the pinching and kicking she did when he wasn't there) and he didn't believe me when I told him when I was grown up. She is now really good to me and my children and I love her for that but I still hate her for what she did to me when I was a kid and adolescent. I feel really guilty for hating her in my heart without letting her know, makes me feel like a snake. Really need to tell her.
My husband is also periodically really good to me and I abuse his goodness by becoming lazy and escaping my duties (like I did in my childhood with my fathers wife, except she was never good to me, more neutral, though she did worry that me and my brother could die in the trafick and hassled us constantly about looking to left and right) and in other periods really cruel when he is sick of my inability to keep the house clean and plan things in general. Then I feel guilty and try to make up for it. This is how I relate to all authority figures in my life. I create it, I'm stuck in it. I surrender this pattern, it is a gift to you Goddess, thank you for giving me this gift but I don't need it anymore.
It is all yours Goddess, please take it and transform it as you see fit. And fill the holes where it was with your light. Thank you!
Yesterday was a beautiful day. I was driving through a mountain pass in beautiful weather, the sun glistening off the snow. I have kept my promise to my self, I am grounding all the time. I did the exercise as I was driving and was filled with such joy and gratitude to Goddess or Gydja as I want to call her in my native tounge. I still am as I think about it. I had just grounded and asked her to take all that wasnt mine and a great weight lifted and I was laughing and crying at the same time. And I just wanted to thank her for all the events that led up to this moment, all my misery and shame and constant searching for something. And I knew stronger than ever that she has been guiding me all the time (maybe through angels, I dont know and it doesnt matter), through finding my beautiful friend, through losing her through my mistakes and finding her again which I dont deserve, but she judges, not me. Thank you, thank you. You led me to Danisa, to Tara, to Nadja, to Mystress, to Gyda. To my own heart.
My way, I had to go my way but no, I had to follow your leads to get out of my own way :D
There was a song by Nirvana on the radio (please take my pride, its a gift to you, thank you), it was one that usually hijacks me, magnifies my hurt negative feelings, but it did not touch me, it was like it was on a different frequency from my feelings, my being. I think maybe I understand all this talk about frequencies which never made sense to me before.
When I was sixteen I woke up seeing a writing on the wall: que tu veux, I thought it was misspelled and wrote it off as a dream. Then I googled it the other day and it is not misspelled and it could not have been made up by me because I didnt even know how to spell it ha ha
But I after seeing the movie about Hector I get that it means that I should do what I want (not just do things to avoid what Im afraid of) and happiness may come as byproduct...
It is simple but it sure was complicated for me, has taken me 25 years to figure out, and all the suffering, I wont say unnecessary because Gydja thought it necessary, so it was and I thank you for helping me through it.
I surrender all my pride, it is a gift to you Gydja to transmute as you please and fill the holes with your light, thank you.
This is about my 5th time trying to respond to this post. The first response I set aside when complete... it was lengthy and took hours to write, but didnt feel right. The others got eaten by iexplore or computer crashes... I take great care with my tearoom posts and Goddess edits me. I keep thinking, you wrote it to surrender it, so maybe it doesnt need a response.. your intent was to surrender it, why am I caught tangled in it. I keep trying anyway, feeling it pulling at me wanting attention.
Contemplating it tonight, I realized the other posts got killed for too much kindness. They were much too nice, apologetic and did not call you on your crap.
My initial reaction was to be horribly embarrassed that I flaked on a paid session, and a little defensive, offended at the idea that I would guilt trip people into giving me money... I wouldn't and didn't, that was your projection. I know that sort of attention to scarcity consciousness, manipulative power gaming is an investment in fear that would impoverish me. Thats just not part of my flow.
A few weeks after the thread reminding students to renew... (the first such post I have written in the 15 years this school has been opened,) I sat down and had a chat with Goddess about some quite expensive upcoming home repairs that my man could not affoard. Affirmed She has it handled. About 2 months later I got a completely unexpected 5 figure inheritance from a spinster aunt. When her property sold it was divided between her many nieces and nephews.
I was clear I didnt want to write the post reminding students to renew or rent me... had successfully avoided doing so for, 15 years! That was not the first time She used financial blackmail to push past my resistance, my becoming a ProDom in 1993, I was dead set against it, complaining spanking men for a living was a stupid idea, I am an artist!! She boxed me in, all other doors closed and it was that work or be homeless. It was one of the best things I ever did for growing spiritually, emotionally and learning so much about human nature that no school could teach, my Shaman training. FST would not exist without it.
This time She rewarded my surrender with quite a bit more money than I have ever had in my life before, omG!! Mind you, I didnt need it before, didn't have a house, to be concerned about the house falling into the rainforest ravine that is my backyard. Thanks Goddess for money to pay strong men with big trucks and many tons of steel and cement.
That's the truth about me and money, Goddess provides, so long as I follow my calling, and do not stress about it. You might want to try it, sometime.
I actually do a little bit of anonymous work, call it random acts of kindness. Not being able to refer to my vast body of work, or even quote myself in any way that can be googled forces me to find fresh ways to share ideas, sometimes I even discover new techniques. Don't get paid for any of that, no way to get paid without revealing my identity, but it is part of my calling and Goddess provides. Students benefit, the new stuff is often shared in the FST chats. All part of the flow.
I got past my horrified embarassment when my guide reminded me, ADD brains eh? Some stuff is inevitably going to fall through the cracks because thats what I got, and beating myself up about it, does not make it better... stressing out about it, makes it worse. Anybody know where my "higher executive functions" got to? Let me know if you can find them, lol.
Bartered away for art talent I guess. I forgive myself, yet again, for having this disability. ADD people like me, growing up undiagnosed, being shamed and blamed for what we cannot do, the scars grow deep so the defensive reaction persists. Keeping track of sessions, payments and scheduling is so difficult for me that at times I have had one or another of the FST Lineage getting an automatic forward of paypal session or tummo payments to handle my scheduling, and just telling me when and where to be ... reminding me again, on the day. Usually, only when I am training lineage, having them sit in on my sessions may as well let them schedule too, so they can pick a good time for themselves and the clients, within my work hours. Grateful for the support.
I am grateful that most people are patient and understanding... which led to redirecting my attention back to what you chose instead. Found the paypal email, $200., July 25, 2013. You preferred to spend nearly two years using me as the emotional dartboard of your anger, rather than two minutes sending me a pm or email to remind me? Seriously??
You really think $200. . or anything else ... gives you the right to treat someone like that? Have it back. Full amount refunded including paypal fees. I usually would not talk about financial details of students payments but you brought it up.
I see your initial registration payment in 2012... I don't see any renewals. I am really ok with that, but I guess you are not? How did that choice affect your decisions and emotions? What did it cost you, in the long run? That was the point of my post, why Goddess insisted, "tell them" and blackmailed me into it with my bank account in the red before I gave in. No regrets. It had not occurred to me before, that my generosity might have a hidden cost that does not benefit the recipients. The members responses were eye opening.
I did get enough sessions and renewals, put me back in the black. A few donations too. It felt restorative.
Recently I posted requesting anyone who booked a session and got overlooked, to pm me. Did not get a pm or an email from you, instead, this.
That is the very nature of the most primitive types of black magic, like practiced in Voudon. Building up negative emotions and shipping the energy out, aimed at someone with a side dish of blame. Given the cosmic law of karmic return, do you think the people who practice this magic have a hope in hell of living happy and fulfilling lives? What they feed, grows and shapes their universe of reflections, always the wronged, vengeful victim and that focus breeding more of the same. I'd call that, hell.
One of the most enlightened masters of modern times, Ramana Maharishi was not kind or apologetic, he was truthful. He told his students straight up, that it was the karma they would not let go that was destroying his liver, he died of it. Spent a few years research to understand what he meant, the toxic nature of emotional karma junk that is given but not let go and how it can affect physical health.
Have not claimed to be at his level, he awes me a little and sometimes I think, if he could not survive teaching, what hope for me? Guide reminds me, hes got my back and Fire Serpent too, but I remember different times I took the hits. So I avoid the guru game, always giving back the power people want to give me, to be Goddess for them. Nevertheless, I know I am vulnerable to my students, the open ness is part of the gig. I just have to trust them to respect it, and it grieves me when I discover I cannot.
20 months of projecting your emotions onto me, a dartboard for your anger, with no intention of surrender, wanting to be right about it. I think... why would you want a teacher whom you think its a flaky theif who manipulates people with guilt tripping to get their money? I would run like hell from someone like that.
I surrender again, your post was written to be surrendered right?
Guide says "Is it?"
He can say so much with so little. I have envied his economy of words but then remember the download of insights that come with, and how it inspires my own writing. Embedding the energy of information, between the lines.
Looking deeper, what is he trying to show me? The anger was not surrendered, so much as aimed, acted on. Shows me my body reaction again, the impact hitting me like a baseball bat to the chest. Shows me the passive aggression. Shaped into a weapon, cloaked in a pose of surrender and "poor me" insecurity and shipped out. Wow.
I think to myself, do I really want to work with someone who thinks its ok to do that? Hell no! What sane person would? I wonder if some instinct for self preservation made me overlook your payment!
Think about refunding tuition too, removing you, happy trails and Goddess blessings on finding a teacher you can respect. Yeah I got a little bit of ODD in the ADD mix making me want to throw your ass out... predictable response for me, but I do not like to do that, in 15 years I can count the number of people I have ejected for behaving badly, on the fingers of one hand.
I surrender it. Guide reminds me the nature of passive aggression is that it is unconscous, and Goddess brings my students. This is who you have been, it is not who you want to be. It makes a difference. The intention was surrender, the rest slipped out shadow. So I am making it conscious, calling you on it.
It would be great to think, you can just surrender it once and poof all better. Does not work like that, stuff has layers. Power game patterns formed in childhood are of the body, they persist whenever energy gets low, despite attainments. Passive aggression especially has deep roots in shadow. Maybe knowing that blaming others for your feelings and bombing them with your energy is a form of black magic, will help you be more motivated to stay grounded.
Prisons are full of people who blame bad childhood or other unhappy events, for their behavior, like in their mind that made it ok? Yet so many go through worse, and rise above it, resolving to be better than those who hurt them. It is never about the events, it is about how we choose to respond to events.
Victims and abusers are two sides of the same coin, victimhood gives the excuse for vengeance, returning it multiplied and calling it justice, the prison mindset. Victimhood is an ego belief, it does not exist in non duality and so it is illusion... All is as Goddess Wills... but duality has its own rules, "Free will is Goddess law", and where it blends into non duality, karma feedback what you do to another comes back multiplied, because we are One.
Yes, I have reflected some of that back with this post... Very consciously. How does it feel to be on the other end of the stick?
Not giving up on you, I know that is not who you want to be. My first reaction to your first post aside from getting tangled in the emotions, was to ask dreamwalker, the silent lineage member to work on you remotely... he is a time traveler, all shamans are potentially, meeting people in their dreams, the Dreamtime is timeless place, outside of time. Did he travel back to when you were 16, show you the writing on the wall? I would not be at all surprised. Goddess did it anyway, because She is all and we can only do that work from a place of transparency.
The time travel paradoxes can be confusing, he has been having visions of me his whole life, his first vision of me, was when he was 7...I was 47! We are the same age... he thought I am not real because I did not seem to age, but on my end they all can be traced back to work I did with him resolving past karma and traumas, in the 5 years since we met.
For many years it puzzled me, how many students reported feeling the energy of my presence, long before they had heard of me. In one case, I would have been an infant, in real time. What was really happening, is more surprising. I traced it back... They had told me of some traumatic event of the past and I had taken it so completely that it was gone from them, all that remained of the memory was a feeling of my presence with them. It shocked me a little, that I had taken a piece of their past even if it was freely given, so I gave them back the memories, shared what they had told me... They remembered the events, when reminded, but the emotional trauma stayed gone.
What is most exciting is I suspect it is not a shaman ability, that it is part of the quantum nature of love and I can teach it to anyone but it holds potential for misuse, (Guide points to Scientology) I need to put some ethical guidelines in place.
Was not going to tell you about dreamwalker... thought it would be more empowering for you to believe it was all you and Goddess, and who is to say it was not? The other side, to tell you, you are supported, people care.
Happy to read of your breakthrough, Joseph Campbell put it "Follow your bliss." "Do what you want", like, "Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law" is often misunderstood because what ego wants can make a mess. Follow your bliss is about discernment, do what makes your heart happy.
I was 15 when I read:
'Imagine God looked directly into your eyes and said," I command you to be happy for the rest of your days," Then what would you do? - Richard Bach.
I got your mail, hit me really hard. I am so sorry for the passive agression. It is certainly unconcious, I get into strange selfrighteous states where I am so twisted, I think I'm so good and gracious but I´m really just being a snake (in the bad symbolic meaning, I have nothing against snakes). I just recently found out that I do this. I DON'T want to be this way, you are right it is hell.
Goddess help me please...
When I wrote this I had a feeling that something was wrong but I needed to get it out somehow and I knew you would see through my ego and I was ready to take it if it was ego. But I didn´t realize I would hurt your feelings, not consciously, but I see unconsciously I did and at the same time I wanted to hurt myself. Really nice work.
I can´t discern when I´m being controlled by ego and when I´m being real, so it is hard to keep communicating but I will try.
I am reading a Course in Miracles, helped me forgive and release some of my anger at least
It helps to think this is all a bad dream, that we are all perfect creations of Goddess, all One, no guilt or blame is necessary if it is all a dream.
PS I'm renewing membership now
People sometimes act out to get attention, cry for help. I don't really think you hurt my liver and didn't say so, though yes it was implied. Guide handled it I think but not everybody has that protection, so be mindful. Yes you did hurt my feelings although its better defined as embarrassment and outrage... 5 posts and a lot of hours got eaten while I worked that out in myself, to be in a clear space to respond to you.
Here is the important thing you really need to know, the real issue behind the mess when you set aside blame and look for Goddess perfection, Her purpose. Why your unconscious was motivated to poke me where it hurts, mirror mirror.
What you say about your husbands frustration, your disorganization, your emotional disregulation, your defenses, sounds a lot like ADD to me. Not a shrink, legally cannot diagnose you but anybody can have an opinion and latest studies suggest 7% of the population has ADD so its pretty common. FST can't fix it. If spiritual attainments could fix ADD, I would be cured!
Google online ADD test, there are lots of them. Fill out some questionnaires, if they come out positive, take the next step of formal diagnosis. I know Sweden has excellent medical care including psyche, and it is free... start getting some support. Coping can be easier, learning new strategies, working with your strengths, accepting and forgiving yourself, getting the man to accept you got a disability instead of criticizing... huge changes. If meds work for you, then a lot of the struggle disappears like magic, Goddess provides.
My favourite ADD test question that I made up?
How often do you forget the laundry in the washer long enough for it to start to stink of mildew, and have to wash it over again? Classic ADD. Add a shot of Mr Clean when you rewash, it kills the bacteria. Comes in alternate scents now so your clothes don't smell like a freshly cleaned public toilet. Generic substitutes don't work. Get a timer that clips onto your clothes, set it for the wash cycle, best of it has a snooze alarm because you know its going to go off when you are in the middle of doing something else and you are going to turn it off and forget the wash anyway... even if you hit snooze or reset the timer, 10x your wash will still get into the dryer sooner than it takes for it to incubate. Probably can get an app for your phone eh? If you carry your phone all the time... if its off, charging, ... better buy Mr Clean in bulk supply. Do not mix it with chlorine bleach. Bleach + ammonia = a horrible death.
Any of that seem resonant? yea thought so... go get tested. That is the message in all this.