The Tea Room

In meditation I've noticed a flow of energy from my feet and up through my body. However, it halts and accumulates when it reaches the top of my head (in-between third eye and crown). There is pressure there, but nowhere for it to go. So, I am surrendering this and anything connected to it to Goddess. It's all yours!

  The visualization of the flower opening at the top of your head, at the start of the grounding is symbolic body-mind language request to open the crown chakra. Do that and the energy can flow out the opened flower.  Resolves headaches from excess energy too.

Thank you Mystress. I'll continue to practice visualising the flower opening (from the grounding exercise).

I intellectually understand the simplicity of this exercise, but my inner-experience presently does not match it. When I went through the exercise I became aware of resistance, inner-dialogue (fear) about how things can't be so simple and that there needs to be struggle/pain/complications. So, I surrender this stuff to Goddess. <3

I haven't been able to fully surrender this stuff. I can see how this reaction served as a protective strategy in childhood, but it has now become quite an ingrained defense.  I continue to experience intense fear in the face of confrontation. I experience similar fear at the thought of causing harm to others. This reaction (freeze-response) is not exactly an effective method to protect oneself from an aggressor. It does not guarantee safety. It suggests that fight/flight was futile, so freeze (utter helplessness) kicks in.

This response has become quite generalised, so in any situation that I need to be assertive (boundaries) I start to experience an intense feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach, followed by shame/guilt. So, over time this reaction becomes generalised and is triggered in any situation where you need to be assertive (firm boundaries). It's as though I am still caught up in the illusion that I am not able to handle such situations.

Another layer to this is the feeling of horror/shame when triggering pain/fear in another being, even though I may not realistically be the cause of the original wounding. I react as if I had the power to cause it. Even now, when I bring to mind thoughts of harming another individual my stomach does flops. And as I write this I am recalling to mind something Mystress said about the 'good-girl' image. I don't quite understand why I am addicted/attached to this particular mask or why I find it hard to surrender. I do wish to relinquish it.

And another layer is the fact that when our body-mind perceives fear in others it automatically applies this to self. In evolutionary (primitive response) terms, what triggers fear in another may mean danger to self. It's a survival mechanism.

Surrendering all this and my confusion to Goddess.

hmm. I noticed I repeated a sentence twice, on 'maintaining' boundaries. I intellectually get the dissolution of boundaries, but again my inner-experience reflects something quite different.

And to add to the above. I don't even know if I am aware of what my 'rights' are in terms of natural boundaries. I am uncertain about the rights of beings in a physical form (duality). I don't know if I am lacking a manual/framework because of damage caused in early experiences. It causes a lot of feelings of confusion and triggers fear. I don't know how to rectify it. So, I wish to surrender all this (confusion) to Goddess. It is yours!

Hi Blossom,

I can only speak from my own experiences as I am not qualified to offer a remedy, only a suggestions.

With fear I often ask goddess to show me the root of that fear. In other words how did it come to be?

You may get visuals of people, situations, events or all of the above. I then ask that Goddess take that from me and everything attached to it, in top down fashion from point of origin. It's a powerful time travelling surrender technique on Mystress's site that has helped me many times. It clears the baggage of the event at each chakra level and on many occasions I have felt the effects immediately. Also ask that goddess take the holes left behind by what you've surrendered and replace them with her (Goddess') light and grace.

Ask Goddess why you have a hard time being assertive when it's needed. You may find it's also tied to your dread of inflicting pain, fear or disappointment in others.

Have a good now. :)

Hey Willy,

Thanks for the reminders. Memory is interesting (things seem to fade and reminders bring back focus). I asked Goddess to show me the root of the issue and let that go. I've had a few things surface the last few days, although it has been mostly somatic experiences (skull/gut pain and anxiety/terror/anger).  It is interesting that the skull pain has returned (drilling sensation at top of skull). Not many visuals - my body seems to remember the cause.

At the core of it seems to be discomfort with anger/violence/hostility, in self and others.

Hi,

As Mystress would say when doing any kind of magic and that includes surrendering or healing or searching in ones unconsciousness for secrets, it is important to be grounded.
And in short, thinking when ungrounded is not likely to produce good results.
And worse, thinking when ungrounded and when there are active old emotions decreases the usefulness of the outcome by much.

We think that when we know why,who,when etc.. and relive the emotions we get free of the stuff. But that is not really how it works. We have to relive the emotion while grounded while in our more kinder and gentle self.. that self that doesn't care for the why.. that only cares for the love.
And so find a different way to feel or to react, to chose a path of love.

It is so simple. We want to be loved. We need to be loved. And we can love at least ourselves...
Just choosing love and nothing else. All other stuff, stories, things, emotions are just pointers at best and delays at worst.
Love,
Duu

Hi!

I am aware that it is imperative to ground when clearing karma. So, I have gone back to grounding multiple times a day. I also make sure to ground myself when I look inward.

I have noticed that when I get back into my body I experience pain (somatic sensations). I am easily overwhelmed. It is likely that I become ungrounded again to avoid the pain I experience when back in my body. So, I do make an attempt to keep myself grounded (in my body). I am not forgoing the practice of grounding, but I can see how it may come across that way.

Hello Blossom,
I thought Mystress' advice on dumping overload might be something you may find relevant. Because the way you describe this experience feels similar to my experience when I was not dumping overload regularly. Trying to stay focused on my own inner self and dumping overload regularly has helped me a lot. Here's the link.
http://fire-serpent.com/tearoom/index.php/topic,1429.0.html
Hope that helps,
Gopi

Hi, Blossom

It is very nice to chat with you. Sending hugs and hopefully the words will be to benefit.
Yes thank you Gopi, its good to point to overload. One has to understand it in context. It is the worry and fear and cyclical thinking that constrict our body and the energy flow and close the crown chakra respectively.
So the root is our own non openness and temporary constriction. Even due to a simple emotion of being threatened and so on. Its temporary, but the energy logjam starts to build quickly.
So the real key issue is getting the system open and unfreeze it, so all can flow normaly.
Then karma logjam and overload clear usually quickly with no worry.
However is good idea to drop overload regularly. Until we can regain our openness, groudedness. As to not to burn our system. And not to foggy our mind.
Its an emergency measure so to speak. To lessen overload is to ease the system load, to think clearer and to get renew ability to act. But is not the longterm solution. The solution is to be more open and allow things to flow even in emotional times.
In fact overload for me complicates grounding very much because system is overfilled with stagnant energy and Im trigered to OBE. And thus not in the ideal position to deal with it. So getting embodied again is an important task of getting back grounded.

Well I wanted to expand on the grounding idea beyond mere exercise. That it is a way of life basically. And that there are many ways in life of getting more grounded.

In me personally I had also moments when I thought I was grounded and did the grounding exercise. But did not really ground deeply or really reached the grounded state.
And I did not notice the signs missing. There was peace but that was OBE peace. (Out of body experince, for short)
So for proper grounding  I for myself check for signs of warmness, aliveness, joy. And peace of specific taste. :) And body tingling even if just gently. With this hmm is good to be in body. So that would be my recomendation to keeping in mind too.

In this state we are resistant to fear and random emotions and thoughts hijacking us.
Thus also more resistant of getting constricted due to threat or emotions coming in us.
So when grounded, fear even when present is not a problem. We see it is not us. We accept it, honor it and transmute it. Many karmic things in us are habitual and it takes persistence and time to build new paths with love and write in new reactions a perceptions of what is going on, that then open  more love, more freedom. It takes years sometimes, but even that time frame requires a firm decision not to feed the old patterns anymore.

We can afford acceptance, we can afford just allowing it be. As we are not it, nor our stories nor our emotions and whys. And from that place we can enact change. If we dont have this calm and we keep a strong link between us and our story, emotion, hurt. Than desired change is really not likely be realized.

Love
Duu

Hello Blossom!

I would like to share with you an experience I had with Mystress the other day, that may shed light on some things for you. I have also had boundary issues, that manifested in sensitive skin, and a lack of feeling safe in the world, and a habit of "hyper vigilance"

The result of this clearing, was that due to a traumatic event of losing my mother at a young age, my ego boundaries at the time were shattered, leaving shards and confusion in its wake. Unconsciously, I tried to patch myself together, while the old shards remained, and with an ego based protection around my body. You have these kind of shards and artificial boundaries as well. Spend some time surrendering these, all that you can find; they will show up if you ask for them.

The result is a return to boundaries set naturally by your body mind, handling any threats, real or imagined, intuitively and naturally.

Love
Gustaf

Thank you Gopi, Duu and Gustaf for your suggestions/recommendations.

I have started to dump the overload a few times a day. I understand that it's only a temporary solution, so I'll work towards surrendering the underlying stuff as it arises. I tend to get caught up in cyclical thinking (rumination) only when I start to look 'inwards' (or go looking for 'stuff'), otherwise my head is usually empty - on a conscious-level. Feeling threatened is a common feeling that arises. And yes I can understand the lack of openness or hostility and how it could cause a log-jam. It certainly feels like a log-jam.

I have also asked for the shards and artificial boundaries to surface. This evening I have a headache (an unusual occurrence for me).  The scalp/skull pain is like a bowl on my head. I'll spend some time surrendering.

I will try to pay closer attention to the signs of grounding. I am not sure how reliable the tingling is because if I put my attention on my feet they tingle.

Do nothing <--- this is something I have resistance to, as I was brought up with a strong family belief that you're not allowed to have an idle moment. Non-action/laziness was met with verbal and emotional abuse. So, doing nothing causes anxiety.  I have to search for problems (rumination) or create them. Surrendering that and everything connected to it.

Hey, Blossom.  Before starting working with energy and (then as needed), if you open your crown chakra, energy can flow out the opened flower.  Dissolves headaches, too. 

Thanks Sigmund. I have been attempting the flower-opening visualisations, but my crown still won't 'open' (ego-resistance). So, the head discomfort  persists. Perhaps I should just accept the pain, since I notice that I am starting to resist it. There is more contraction the more I attempt to open it.

Hi,
Grounding, discretion and surrender go together, I think that it is grounded intelligence plus discretion that we learn to spot and tag all the tricks of the ego daily and improving thus our efficiency on path and sharpen intelligence for self dependence on spiritual path.
So surrendering is not just saying the line. It is not really a method. Ego will make a method out of it and thus render it harmless to it. It makes it to a tool serving it, but surrender is never here to be ego tool. Ego adds to it things like struggle and wanting to get rid of stuff and etc. All the things that reduce the wished efficiency of it to near zero.

If you say I cant open my chakra. First we need to establish if there is an I. Secondly if the I is the owner or creator of the chakra. Thirdly what parameters a chakra has, what it does, what it is. What does mean  open or closed and so on.
Only then we could come to some partial conclusion about our inability to open a chakra.
So until that time we have to have faith that our divine inside us know how to open a chakra and have faith that the divine knows what a chakra is and what it does. And we have to gently ask and then get out of its way. And saying that divine cant open a chakra is surely nonsensce..

So humility and most humbly asking and understand that as a life path, not as exercise is key. Firstly to get grounded and all action comes from that base.

I also have a another method to that some people roll their eyes in disbelief. I use intellect to get grounded. Simply I think that chakra or ego or god or any key problem might or might not exist. And thinking of proof for both sides of view. And as I would think on,  a great boulder falls of my heart as I suddenly know that Im not solving a problem but a paradox.  And that is a great relief for me. For I was trained to solving a problem and that problem must be resolved to be good person. But a paradox must not be resolved, or it has many, maybe also infinite resolutions that are all correct. So Im  joyful, so free. As I can be playful, its not serious anymore.. its a sort of joke, seeing limits of our mind, that is loving and marvelous. And that is quite a powerful support. No problem or paradox can resist a playful mind blissing out.
But well, so far I collected rolling eyes when expressing this. But it does work. Even if it is like crossing the swamp by jumping on the backs of crocodiles... much fun.

You dont need to go that far, unless you have that unceasing IT  mind. That has pleasure of taking things apart, to really look in. (and maybe less interested in putting them back together). Yet the point I wanted to say is that: Sometimes is useful to challenge and dismantle the concepts we have also about surrender, grounding and then see what they really are, dismantle them an relearn them anew, in deeper way. For if taken just a static thing, they become an obstacle soon, just one more ego thing. So if things stop working than it is good to check the basics again, make them less static more deeper and more alive in our lives. Thus more powerful, integrated and unbound by old.
Taking on our self the responsibility for our daily life and path. And self trust and self dependence will set us free, a thing no method can give to us.

Love,
Duu

Thanks Duu. I can see how it is easy to fall into the trap of making things a method. And yes, I do not fully trust that Goddess has everything handled.  Since last post, I stepped back from whatever it was that I was doing in that regard. I have spent time energy over-load dumping, surrendering other peoples attachments, surrendering broken boundary shards, and allowing the divine within me to do whatever it thinks best.

I've been continuing on with my practice of grounding, overload dumping, and energy hygiene. I've also gone back to swimming as part of my physical exercise routine. I am gradually feeling better. I do notice that I lack motivation in terms of work and work direction. I've noticed a bit of stuff around learned helplessness surfacing and some anger, so I am surrendering that to goddess.

I have also had some interesting dreams the last week. I don't typically remember dreams, but these ones have been a bit...nightmarish. I am not particularly bothered by them.

I seem to have a lot of anger in me. Although it's a crutch, I decided to ask my GP to put me on something to moderate the sensitivities that come along with autism. The only thing on offer was an anti-depressant - an experimental approach. I feel a lot calmer after being on it, but I find that in this space anger/rage arises. I had a similar experience in my late teens/early twenties (rage bursts and then anger when anxiety/depressive symptoms were numbed while on medication) Yoga and anti-d's seemed to stir up a lot of anger that I don't seem to be comfortable with.

I have felt a bit angry the last two weeks because it feels like I have to hide my history of issues and autism. After social work graduation I applied for a graduate position at a main hospital in Sydney. This was just after my first diagnosis. I wasn't sure what I was socially oblivious to, so I thought disclosure would make me professionally accountable. It also felt appropriate to disclose. The position was for a an 18-month graduate program, where you'd undergo furthering training and receive assistance. In feedback the main interviewer could not tell me (specifically) what I could do to improve, she just fobbed(?) me off and said the successful candidates answered the questions a bit better. And that I couldn't have Asperger's because I have good eye contact. I know that I will either over-stare (direct eye contact) or not look at people at all. I know in order to portray confidence you need to maintain good eye contact, which I did. Recently, a vacancy came up for this program because one of the candidates got a job elsewhere. Again, I faced the same issues this time around regarding them not being able to clarify what the successful candidate did to get the position. And again, I was told that things that contradicted things said in the first interview and that I couldn't have Asperger's. And that, essentially, I should not disclose my diagnosis. Inflamed, I decided to send a complaint letter to NSWHealth regarding their anti-discrimination policies and have pursued advice from the association of social workers and am pursuing legal advice. I don't particularly want to work in such an environment, so I don't feel it is a big loss. However, I am going to do something about this injustice (the education approach did not work) in case it happens to other people and because I am not going to let it slide.

Last week I attended Domestic Violence Response Training.  I felt that niggle-feeling that it was appropriate to disclose, so I did. First to one of the educators. I told her about my personal experiences with family violence and the vulnerabilities of women with autism. I have interacted with other women on the spectrum and abuse seems to be a common issue - often they don't realise they're being taken advantage of.  I had wondered if they had explored this area. And later I disclosed to the group I was working with about my diagnosis and experiences. It turned out that one of the women there knows someone who fits the criteria + her daughter. So, I suppose if she chooses to information share it will enable those two to understand themselves better.

My other challenge at the moment is deciding which job I want to take. I can work in a private hospital or work with youth, the latter would be an interesting opportunity but for some reason I feel as though it would make me really fatigued.

So, surrendering it all to Goddess.

Keeping things in my thread.

I have distanced myself from the course for the last few months to focus on living. What an interesting few months it has been!

Lately, I have noticed that with all the training in social skills, trauma-informed care, mental health connect, mental health first aid and other related stuff to mental social work practice... a lot of grief and anger has been surfacing. So, I am surrendering this to Goddess. I have felt tired, but ensuring that I have plenty of rest is boosting. Working in this field sure does bring up a lot of juicy stuff.

Focusing on living, interacting with others a lot more these days. I find working in mental health brings up a lot of things. Lately, irritation is coming to surface and the thoughts like 'what reasons do you have to be in this mess', judgmental stuff. I have quite a bit hostility. I also seem to get a bit irritated when people assume that life has been peachy for me. Could be related to the former. Fatigue and pain in the gut have been a constant. Have tried to focus on grounding and dumping excess energies. This stuff (all of it) is fine, I won't try and 'exorcise' it.

What is being 'defeated' about? It doesn't feel like letting go or surrender.

I am going to attempt to start back at the beginning of the course. I find that I start, get partway through, get distracted and then stop. I am not a very disciplined person. I have noticed that the content looks (e.g. first lesson) looks quite a bit different now. So, I will do my utmost best to be patient and take it slow this time around.

During the last couple of years I have been focused on working and shaking my fear of being around people. It is still hard at times because I feel a bit of apprehension when I meet new people, and it seems that I do not always act in an accepted social manner. Studying social psychology and working in mental health has made me a bit more reflective of what is expected of people. It has also made with wonder (accompanied by a bit of panic), with my explosive periods of anger and weird oversensitiveness over the years, whether I had traits of a personality disorder along with Asperger's. I behave quite erratically when I get stressed out or hyper-aroused, although that is an autistic trait...perpetual anxiety. It is becoming more clear now that my dad had Bipolar; as was suspected by a psychiatrist who saw my sister when she developed panic disorder and agoraphobia. My mother is an interesting mix of things.

I am still far too sensitive and my solar plexus is still releasing a lot of crap.

Some types of people still challenge me, for instance, one individual I work with dumps(?) stuff my. At least that is what my mind says is happening, it could be off. For example, today when I was at the office my stomach started to do flips and I felt buzzing and other sensations in my body. Shortly after that I received a distorted tirade message from one of the participants I work with. It did cross my mind that the easiest path would be to try to run away from it when I started to feel the sensations, but I stayed with it.

Life seems to revolve around managing sensory sensitivities. It was easier when I was more reclusive i.e. stayed away from people.  It is hard to be outside without sunglasses. My eyes are too sensitive to light. I need to wear earplugs when in the office, as the sounds are too distracting/irritating. I am still a bit too tired by end of day and it still feels that my brain or cognition is off at times. I still get quite a bit of accumulation of energy around my head that I still do get frustrated with. And people still boggle me.

I am still pacing myself w/ course and re-reading content to absorb it.

Last two weeks, at work, I have become more aware of this constant underlying fear that I have around 'getting into trouble' e.g. if I don't learn all the rules off by heart I am going to make a mistake and get into trouble. If I don't know the rules someone is going to trick me and I am going to get into trouble. Typically this is the result of narcissistic parents.

And I seem to be twisting myself lately,  in the sense that I need to get things right socially and when people pull away it's because I've done something  socially wrong. Damn social chit-chat!

I was trying to get a better understanding of Asperger's and emotional dysregulation, and came across this article: http://www.aspergercenter.com/articles/Emotional-Regulation-and-Autism-Spectrum.pdf

Hey, Blossom.  I agree with how you're pacing yourself with the course.  I, myself, find that's the way to get the most out of it.  That and revisiting the lessons.

As for the rest of what you say, it sounds as if you've taken on other people's judgments.  That's called introjection.  It's the opposite of projection.  Keeping them going goes beyond habit and is reinforced by invisible loyalties to the family.  That is to say, this is what one does in this family to be a good daughter, wife, mother  and so on, even if it's personally destructive.

There's a wonderful book about this, if you're interested, called Invisible Loyalties by Ivan Boszormenyi-Nagy.  It's about reciprocity in families and is a pillar in dealing with families. 

Thanks Sigmund. Pacing is good, I just need to be aware of the underlying energy of 'hurry'. Why I need to hurry is beyond me, as there is plenty of time.

Introjections. Other people's judgments (family karma), I guess that is inevitable. Implicit attitudes. I suppose it'll be a similar process to surrendering projections.

Thanks for the book suggestion on family systems. I found a free copy of the book on scribd, someone scanned and uploaded it in documents (not books section).

Good find on that book, Blossom.   Kindle has it for around $30.

Thanks. I saw it on Kindle. I was going to get it from there is scribd didn't have it.

---

Something I have been in denial about is my rejection-sensitivity. Well, I acknowledge that I have it, but dismissed that it was a big deal. I don't go into the extremes that some people do e.g. rejected by someone/did not get a job/did not get an award then leads to suicidal ideation and self-harm (extreme reactions to people/situations). I usually experience stress or anxiety, and in some cases I have been known to lash out with irritation/anger. Innate a retaliatory strike to inflict a similar hurt. In one instance it was warranted (hmm, the way I am phrasing it makes it sound like I am defending my actions. Yup, definately justifying) i.e. in that instance I needed to stand up for myself, as I was being rejected due to the other persons limited understanding and misconceptions. However, my reaction to the situation led me down the vengeful path of retribution. If something like that instance happens again, perhaps it would be more prudent to respond rather than get reactive (or at least create space, so that stress levels go down a bit). The reactivity just creates more separation.

I find that it is hard to reign in the physio-biological response once triggered in a strong way, and I suppose it leads to a bit of self-recrimination afterwards. I perceive that this might become an issue at work, especially when working with people w/ extreme rejection-sensitivity (i.e. personality disorders). If I am perceiving rejection from people it will affect the way I work with people. Leading to a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I have recently been experiencing more sharp pains in the abdominal muscles when I relax and things release. The area around the solar plexus. I find when this happens that I fall into the trap of wanting things to hurry along, as the release is quite cathartic. However, I know that things release in its own time, as DB wishes. And that too much too soon would probably pump too much cortisol into my body, leading to a mass neuron suicide in my brain (specifically, the hippocampus) and more issues with executive function.

  Somewhere in FST is instructions on how to open your wings. The eagle flapping thing.

  I think expanding your wings and using them would help with some of what you are going through. The wings are part of the secondary chakras of the heart and they work with judgments and projections. Imagine wrapping your wings around yourself. They have a Divine reflective quality- when you wrap them around yourself you get clarity about what you are projecting... but they also reflect the projections of others back to them with the same crystal clarity.

  If you are not sure what wrapping your wings around yourself looks like, there is an item in the FST White temple in secondlife that will give the image. Sit on it and you will see yourself with wings wrapped around your avatar. We say "wings up!" and its like "shields up!" in star trek, means wrap them.

Thanks Mystress. I have started to exercise my wings and wrap them. I will have a look at the training you recommended in the other forum. I do have a 5-day mindfulness training next week, so I will see if I can fit this one in too at some point in the future.

------

I had one of those trigger moments today. I work at Headspace (One-stop-shop Youth Mental Health Centre) on Tuesdays. This Headspace has recently fallen under the organisation I am employed at. My organisation is now the lead agency, so it now manages this Headspace. As such, I can use my own everyday login and password to access computers and the shared network (emails/shared folders/case-note system etc.). This morning I was using my usual login. I was typing away and responding to emails when the new receptionist came up to me and said.. quite directly..

Receptionist: Are you using your own password for this computer?
Me (feeling puzzled): Yes, I am (?)
Receptionist (in a direct and loud voice): You can't do that! You need to use the login and password provided by us.
Me (taken aback and triggered by the tone): Okay, why is that?
Receptionist: (Again in a loud and direct voice) Rants about how the manager said that this is the process and how changing passwords is problematic for the next person
Me (holding in my anger/irritation): Alright, no problem...

The situation itself, retrospectively, is not really a big deal. The lady could have been having a bad day or moment. I have noticed that in situations such as these I tend to go quiet or passive-seeming, for the reason that I am trying to manage my own overwhelming emotions and not lash out at the same time. I am also checking the facts in my head (e.g. is this really true?). I then retrospectively beat myself up about it e.g. why couldn't I speak up and be assertive? why do I let people walk all over me? why do I get so angry over something so small? etc. etc. I get angry with myself.

This is a pattern I have gotten entangled with quite a bit over the years, when interactions cause an extreme emotional response i.e  going from neutral-to-angry/enraged. Questioning: why is this person attacking me? I now realise that it is hard for me to have self-control over my emotional experience in the moment AND stand up for myself in that same moment. It is either regulate and work through the response and say nothing OR give in to the emotion and stand up for myself in a reactionary way. If that makes sense. I guess I also do not like/fear my dysregulation (i.e. lashing out verbally).  Expression of angry/intense emotions.

I guess this will continue to loop until I change something.

The 5-day mindfulness training was good. I did have some patterns arise during that period of time. I notice that my mind does not buzz like other peoples and my inner-critic only speaks when triggered.

One pattern revolved around the value of consideration or conscientiousness. It being a trigger for me when my ego perceives inconsideration from other people e.g. someone standing too close to me, to the point that they're breathing down my next and also pushing me. And my tendency to focus on task at hand, and holding onto the discomfort rather than reacting/lashing out.

Something that came up today was, when I provide people with information they may not want to hear or do not respond well to I seem to take personally responsibility for their responses. I feel it in my stomach. I might be relaying information over a situation I have no control over, yet I seem to take on the disappointment and frustration of the other person. It feels like a weight in my gut.

What also comes to mind is my lifelong issue of feeling distress at the thought of causing someone else hurt. I remember as a child I took the brunt of other peoples displeasure, but I would not assert myself or stand up for myself in response. I found that when I did so I would burst into tears. I guess it was too overwhelming for me + a lack of skills. And maybe I confuse assertiveness for aggression.

Mind-pops and involuntary auto-biographical memories. Sometimes when something is so normal to you it's not questioned (e.g. my chronic experience of anxiety). It just is. I was reflecting on an everyday experience I had which led to an investigation on whether said experience had a name. It boggles me that some people only experience these rarely or only once a day. What is my brain doing?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Involuntary_memory
http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/mind-pops/
https://thepsychologist.bps.org.uk/volume-26/edition-3/involuntary-autobiographical-memories

I typically experience mind-pops/involuntary autobiographical memories during times when I am meditative, studying, walking, or have a wandering mind. For instance, I'd say yesterday I experienced at least 25-30 different mind-pops/autobiographical memories. Memories from childhood to more recent ones. Sometimes I have cringe-worthy ones, memories associated with shame, mortification and embarrassment. It is easy to contract/tense up in these moments. It feels like I going through the experience again. However, when these ones do occur now I tend to follow the thread and explore it... in the past I'd avoid it. It can be a bit distracting and time-consuming when mind-pops occur (particularly when you explore them). It was a bit distracting today when I was reading up chapters from my university text (I am trying to study for a test) and I had to bring my attention back to the book many times. Perhaps I need to be more mindful and just allow them to float past i.e. what you put your attention to grows. Do I need to explore these memories?

I have been becoming more acutely aware of how my sensory issues can cause ADD-like symptoms. I am looking into investing into sensory ear muffs, however, the autistic ones seem to be only made for kids and babies. I am having to resort to purchasing 'shooting' muffs from the States. I am envious of the efficiency of some peoples brains. Sometimes I do wish my brain worked a bit more efficiently regarding studies. I still feel a bit of resistance when it comes to formal education and being able to sit there and focus and retain information for exams/tests.

I am also tossing up whether I wish to do the somatic trauma training course (course created by Peter Levine - author of Waking the Tiger), it's a $4000 a year commitment for three years. I have a bit of scarcity consciousness going on around that and also have some competing interests (i.e. other long-term expenses/goals I need $$$ for). Community service work does not pay too well, unless you move up into management or get those select positions which pay better. I need to stick it out in this job for at least another year before seeking something with a bit better pay. I did look into his online course to pick up some strategies to release the immobilisation that I am experiencing. Trauma energy trapped in my body, particularly in the bundle of nerves near my gut (enteric nervous system).

I am also starting to feel resistance with regard to interacting with people. My social cup fills too quickly. I can't pinpoint the emotion behind this... it's almost defeatist, overwhelmed, fed-up, tired seeming. People and their problems, blergh.

I thought I'd keep a diary today about my mind-pops, to see the extent of their occurrence. I took the day off work to focus on studying for a University test, which is why I am able to walk my dogs.

From 7.30am onwards, with a pause in between, I have been listening to Uni lectures.

7.30am - Memory from childhood. Primary school playground + classmates.
7.33am - Snapshots of university recording I listened to the other day.
7.40am - Images of movies, news, and other related things watched the last week.
8.50am - Random image of a german shepherd
8.51am - Random image of a carousel + a reminder about a tv show I watched a few weeks back, Wayward Pines, which had a carousel in a few of its episodes.
8.52am - Image of my dad (who has now passed)
8.53am - Image of a lady I know plus a few work colleagues popping into my head.
8.56am - Scene of a playground that I played in as a child, no longer around (it's been updated)
9.02am - Memories of an eco village I visited a few years ago
9.12am - Image of a grizzly bear and emperor penguins
9.17am - Recollection of footage of a go-pro cam (motorcycle perspective) on Youtube
9.28am - Memory of cringe-worthy interaction from about 4 years ago.
9.31am - Random snap-shots of my trip to Melbourne last Thursday.
9.40am - Preparing and taking dogs for walk. As they're getting excited/impatient I hear the song lyrics 'give me a second I need to get my story straight...' (We are young by Fun).
9.50am - On my walk so in the moment. I get distracted by a lady illegally dumping mattresses on the other side of the road from where she lives. It is a dumping hot-spot and there are signs warning people not to dump there because it can get really excessive once people start. My mind then proceeds to go off on a tangent about NTs (non-autistics) and rule-breaking + memories and associations regarding that.


So, thus far, I have had  15 or so mind-pops/memories/associations... which means that I probably have significantly more than 30 over the course of the day. Another thing that sometimes happens is a mind-splurge where you get ideas in your head, but can't follow through on what flows in because your physical skill set is not able to take it from the mind and bring it to fruition in reality. Why do we get these things?

Hi,

I think that memories poping up is not a problem. I think this is quite common to diferent degree with everyone. If i would write down all the stuff that pops in my mind at times it would be a long list and somewhat embarasing. What could be a problem is that if the memories bring with them some attached emotion. That is mostly not positive one and forces one to react to that.
I think if just the memmories of positive events would be poping up then nobody would complain. 
One can try to casualy surrender all emotions that come up with memories or use hooponopono to clear it. Sometimes the overlay of emotion is rather subtle but one can notice.
Second thing you can try is to use some mantra that you use during the day to clear the head and continue it on for some time. As it is an ancient practice that prevents mind pops and emotinal hijaking.  Usualy some mantra like "i love myself" or "im loved" "im safe" etc. will work as well as any traditional one. But you can chose any other you are inclined to.
Try it if it can help with the thoughts. 
I think one can realize that if one can observe the thoughts, then it means that they are a product of brain and coming and going on the canvas of conciousness. And if one wants one can entierly let them be, while focusing on the canvas behind them. Also thoughts are just somehow created in us and the emotional reaction to them can cause some churning, yet emotional reactions that can be created by us thinking that the thought should not be there are certaintly pointless and suprizingly more powerfull as they connect with our ego and its wish of control to keep up its feeling of safety.

Love,
Duu

Hi Duu,

The memories that I was getting didn't have an emotional component to them, for the most part. I understand what you're getting at regarding memories with a charge to them and surrender. I only get those memories occasionally. Nothing within the last few weeks. Thankfully my mind-pops have also subsided the last few weeks.

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I have had  some more somatic stuff come up in my gut. I had a release this morning where I felt pain release in my gut and then run along a pain-string up my back and to left shoulder. I have been thinking about getting back into yoga, but I avoided it for a time (time = a few years) because it brought up too much anger at once.  I am craving a more physical practice, I think.

Starting to get into the DB lessons in the course. During my first run through the course I couldn't get a visual of my DB. When I focus on my DB this time around the only image that I see is of myself (me in this physical form). I can't say if that is exactly right, so I will surrender it and revisit the exercises.

Working through the DB lessons and I still see myself reflected. Accepting that this is okay. Did I give up at some point? I think due to having Asperger's my brain comes across as more male-like, so that's not surprising. I can't multitask and I tend to use actions instead of words.

When I go into shock I tend to go into extreme logical mode. The other day someone bumped my car. I pushed my emotions aside, although I admit I my hands were shaking when I spoke with the other individual. My mind immediately clicked into authoritative and logical mode. There was no acceptance of emotions or peoples feelings. I followed the appropriate procedure for such an event. It was only after, during the night, when I felt the impact of the shock i.e. disturbed sleep, agitation, anger, terror... etc.

I accompanied a colleague to do an assessment with a lady who made me feel quite uncomfortable in the moment. I got the sense that she was going to be a vexatious complainer and would put in a complaint. I kept getting the sense of unpredictability and that my head is going to be chopped off irrespective of how things are said. I guess this is best described as 'walking on eggshells'.  I think I am hypersensitive to this, as I do seem to go down the same spiral every time I encounter someone who sets off 'walking on eggshells'.  When I say "I got the sense" it means that I get an inner dialogue around my stomach and heart area that tells me how a situation is going to play out, and it does usually play out that way that this inner dialogue says it will do...I usually take precautionary measures when I listen to that 'knowing'. It''s not a head voice. It does cause a little apprehension when I hear this dialogue because I do begin to wonder if it is a self-fulfilling prophecy... if that makes sense.

Experiencing some resistance the last few days. I have a hard time digesting a current situation unfolding at work, so I am writing it out.

The person I mentioned in the last post, a potential client to the service, put in a complaint against my colleague and team leader. For the reason that she was rejected from the service because she didn't meet the service criteria. She is specifically wanting transport services, due to a physical condition rather than mental health related (although the latter does impact her life). This lady has borderline personality disorder, so she went into her survival mechanisms of black/white thinking, threat-making and high sensitivity. The only complaint about me is that I should not have been there, as allegedly I am  someone in their early twenties (I turned 30 earlier this year) with no life experiences, and was retrospectively presumed to be someone in training. Her argument: how would I know anything about trauma, life, mental health or anything else related to this persons experience. My colleague should be punished as she is getting away with teaching me bad stuff...

I know people experience/view events differently as they have their own lens, however, what she brought up was completely off what I remember happening. I felt uncomfortable at the time of the assessment, I do admit that. But that's not the point of what I am trying to say, I am finding it challenging to verbalise 'making sense of the situation' out loud and am having issues seeking social feedback from colleagues. I suppose I should ask myself what I am hoping to achieve by doing this, as all it leads is a feeling of self-doubt about my own perception of the experience brought up by people who actually were not even there.

For instance, while I was having a discussion with a colleague who received the same 'FYI email' from our team leader (she had past interactions with this individual, so was included in the email send-out). I brought up the point that this lady said that she burst into tears partway through the assessment because of my mean colleague. My recollection of things was that there were no tears shed and everything seemed okay (outwardly). My colleague, in our discussion, interpreted the complaint as saying that she probably meant that she cried after the session. I re-read the complaint and it clearly says that she burst into tears DURING the session. This contradictory stuff throws me off because it makes me question myself, old patterns repeating themselves... I guess it makes me feel like I am the liar or not perceiving the situation correctly (self-doubt). 

In observing my colleague (let's call her Aa) during the assessment I do recall that she had a no nonsense attitude when she spoke. People might consider her tone blunt, so I can see how someone who is hypersensitive might react when confronted with this sort of person. I also got the sense that Aa was triggered slightly, as she has a narcissistic mother and I saw this dynamic play out a bit in the interaction. She has unresolved feelings/hurt toward her mother. As I said in my previous post, my reaction was that I was going to get my head chopped off (so, I suppose I became a bit passive partway through our meeting). I admit that I did defend Aa's actions when we were queried about the situation afterwards. She did not cross the line of being unprofessional and was consistent and factual about what she said to this person. We couldn't go into the situation and walk completely on eggshells. There are too many variables to consider.

I wonder if I need to examine my need to defend my colleagues or have their back, as it were. I sometimes feel like I am polarising the situation and making it seem like the client is a bad person through my defence of colleagues.

Another opinionated person in the office (let's call her Bb) said to me today that our team leader should monitor Aa (b/c she is a peer-worker) and that they should screen peer worker's better. This was a bit frustrating to hear, as she earlier had gone to the defence of people in the field who had lived experiences of mental health. So, it was quite contradictory. Bb, I do not quite understand, but my gut keeps telling me to be cautious around her. The visual I get is of a viper. I suppose this hunch was backed up later when I had a conversation with a Nepalese colleague that I like and get on quite well with (let's call her Cc). Cc works directly with this Bb. She said that Bb does not like Aa, due to similarities in personality. Aa and Bb both love to volunteer to do stuff when it arises (e.g. event planning, workshops, group-work etc.), so there is a bit of competitiveness on Bb's part.  They're both a bit domineering. Bb has complained about Aa to Cc.

I suppose my issue is not letting my fears turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy and shooting myself in the foot. I know people gossip (my social-feedback seeking is gossip), however, I get quite conscientious about the fact that people could be gossiping badly about me for whatever reason. They have done so in the past, hence why I got the labels of 'weird'. My motivations for gossiping aren't for social gain (or to feel better about myself) but understanding social behaviours. And gathering different viewpoints, although some viewpoints rub me the wrong way and I find it hard to consolidate it in the moment.

I can be quite rules focused, so sometimes I wonder if I am being a bit too harsh with people vs strong boundaries.  Too harsh on people who are vulnerable + have mental health issues. Finding the balance is challenging because I also wouldn't want to be a door mat. It annoys me a bit when clients say that things are urgent and then cancel and reschedule the appointment multiple times. It's not too much of an inconvenience for me (b/c I can find things to do and I still get paid), but I think there should be some form of consequence for this type of behaviour as it is quite enabling... what does it tell clients they can do? People just think about what is convenient for themselves and not how it inconveniences others. Some workers are of the opinion that you should just reschedule appointments to what the person wanting...essentially reward that behaviour... and this agitates me a bit. As my opinion is that even if my calendar is free I needn't book them in at that time or respond on demand. Is my perception of things off?

I booked an appointment with a neuro-clinic and went through a comprehensive cognitive test the other day.  It seems that I do have sensory processing disorder. A good proportion of people diagnosed with ADHD or Autism Spectrum Conditions have sensory processing disorder. I need to book an appointment with an Orthoptist to rule out other visual impairments.  After that, I am going to be getting an EEG. A test to record the electrical activity in my brain.

The tests showed that there is a big discrepancy between my intelligence and working memory capacity. My intelligence falls in the superior range, but my working memory capacity (slow processing speed) is below average.  This noticeable difference is probably why I get frustrated with myself (e.g. absent minded professor + laziness label). Low working memory capacity can make multitasking â€" the rapid shifting of attention from one task to another â€" quite difficult. Again, this is something that occurs with people who have ADHD or Autism. I am trying to ascertain whether I have both Autism and ADHD, hence why I am going through all these tests. I don't think my brain fatigue helps the situation - I am just tired.

What is coming up to be surrendered? The annoyance that I have of not being diagnosed as a child/teen and receiving the support that could have made adjustments easier e.g. occupational therapist, speech therapist, special programs and sensory integration therapy... just to name a few things. Nope, I had to walk down the path of figuring things out for myself and then having to face roadblocks because I appear too functional i.e. my strengths mask my disabilities.

I seem to be perpetually stuck in sourpuss mode. I am not sure if this is stuff I keep carrying with me from my teens and early twenties. Ho'oponopono training comes to Australia in May, however, it conflicts with session two of somatic trauma training.

I pursued a few hours worth of auditory testing through an audiologist before Christmas to rule out  an auditory processing disorder. It turns out that I have spatial auditory processing disorder, and confirms a challenge I already knew I had. It explains why I become frazzled with too many competing noises. QEEG is this coming Wednesday. I think after that I will do away with further tests, as something else keeps popping up all the time. Too many labels.

Got the results back from my QEEG. QEEG's show if there is anyth dysfunction with your brain waves (Delta, Theta, Beta and Alpha). Usually, this dysfunction is treated with medication or through newer methods like neurofeedback (slow rewiring of the brain to bring about better balance). My QEEG isn't that surprising, it essentially just backs up what already is known.

I have extremely heightened (dysfunctional) Theta waves (and more so when eyes are closed). Several types of 'brain pathology' can give rise to abnormally strong or persistent cortical Theta waves. Excess theta when wake leads to scatty, daydreaming and unfocused behaviour. Common in people with inattentive ADHD and Autism.

I have dysregulated (i.e. high levels) Beta levels. The stress associated with sensory and cognitive disorders may cause high beta waves, and an increase in feelings of alarm and emotional intensity. Irritability and hyperactivity is also common.

And I have low levels of Alpha waves and that leads to anxiety, high stress, insomnia, OCD. Delta is in the mildly dysfunctional range (associated with ADHD, Autism, brain injuries and other such stuff).

So, my brain is two-faced...both hyperaroused and underaroused. I am not sure how much is due to unresolved emotional stuff. I guess I am starting to understand what needs to be done.

  I am sorry I do not understand autism better. With most disorders and disabilities, I can look to see the mechanism but with autistics I get nothing. Recently I have figured maybe the nothing is the answer, something missing but I am a long ways from working out how to put it back! 

  One thing I have wondered about you for a long time: Why would someone with a severe social disability, go into a massively stressful and nuanced field like social work? Even the most balanced people can burn out on that job. Ever ask yourself, what are you trying to prove?  To whom, and why? Why have you chosen a work situation that can only be overwhelming struggle for you, given your specific disabilities? I am all for challenging oneself, to grow and strive but this looks a little like jumping off a cliff with bedsheet wings. You fall and get hurt over and over and its some big heart and guts that can keep trying but I do not believe life is meant to be a struggle like that. Why are you doing this to yourself?

  To me it looks like your latest test results underline that you are not suitable for the work you have chosen, that the stressfullness of that environment is only going to keep triggering you.

  Blossom, flower lady, ever thought of chucking it all and finding a more peaceful job where success is not dependent on social abilities? Like maybe, tending a big greenhouse? I can imagine you very happy there.  What is driving you?

  Personally, on discovering my own ADD disability self diagnosed around 1988, I immediately set about arranging my life to make the most of what I am best at and hiring or minimizing things I cannot do. Going with the flow, surrendering to my orbit.

  Sometimes there are exceptions, like learning to code linden scripting language. Took me more than 4 years to learn what most people can pick up in a few months but perseverance, pushing past a logic disability I discovered in high school,  something clicked in my understanding and scripting lsl turned into solving fun puzzles to make cool art, like the Flattering Doorbell at my party, or the ACME Faerie trapper.  So for my creative expression its good... but outside of secondlife the ability has no value, and it is nothing on the scale of the challenge you have set yourself to just do your job every day. 

  Blossom, can you cut yourself some slack? Be kinder and gentler with yourself? If you were seeing yourself as a client, what career path would you advise?
   

   

I tend to punish myself in this way in the hope that things will get better over time. I often feel that it is too late to do something different, so I need to make the most of a ‘crappy situation’. If I cop-out, then that is a failure and not acceptable. There is a deep feeling of terror about jumping into unknowns, taking a leap of faith. I have already, in my mind, wasted a decade due to issues with emotional dysregulation. I already feel way behind in many respects. I know the job I am presently in isn’t suited to me and it frustrates me. So, I have been looking for and applying for alternatives. However, to not spoil my job references, I need to watch my habit of falling into bad productivity when I start to feel bitter about the job I am in. And to watch my surly mood.

When I initially started studying social work I thought it would help me move through some of the social issues I was experiencing at the time. It was also at a point in my life where I felt pressured to pick something to do, but was still experiencing high-anxiety, fatigue and brain fog. I guess you could say I was quite narrow-minded. I also believed I would experience the same issues no matter what job I found myself in, so why not social work? I thought I enjoyed supporting people and this is something I might be able to do. It was not until the last week of my social work degree that I found out that I had Asperger’s/Autism. That revelation plus the difficulties I faced subsequently caused me to procrastinate for about a year.

Something that continues to persist since the start of undergoing all these assessments is the underlying terror I feel about being a pretender. This is mirrored back to me in interactions with professionals and others. One persistent comment I get is that I don’t look autistic. This to me is funny, as how can you make that assumption if the person you speak with hasn’t really said anything at all? I was told once to reconsider my diagnosis, that it must be wrong because I could maintain good eye contact.  And that when I pursued assessments it was met with quite a bit of resistance, like I had to prove myself before I was able to undergo testing. It has also been something that has shot me in the foot when pursuing certain job opportunities. I have been told that I can’t be accommodated due to my auditory processing issues. So, I suppose in defiance of the nay-sayers I stay in this line of work to prove people wrong (me against the world). It also brings about a sense of despair because it is an uphill battle.

I think a problem I have always had is my oversensitivity to people’s opinions.  I have always had weak self-confidence, a weak sense of self. For instance, I wanted to study Geology when I was in high school, but my school math and chemistry performance was quite weak. My Earth and Environmental Science teacher said that I should reconsider pursuing Geology because of my weakness in math and chemistry. I think a lot of my issues may have been due to the style of teaching at school, my increasing issues with anxiety and depression, unresolved grief, shame, my undiagnosed attention and sensory issues, social stressors, and my lack of motivation when it came to studies. Social play traumatised me, and so did my sensitivity adults ‘harsh’ manners. I took things too personally. My irritability set in at about age 12 and got worse each consecutive year.  As a result, I lost the confidence to pursue my ‘dream’, and just gave up.

I was speaking with my older sister recently about interview processes and marketing yourself. One of her thoughts about why I might do poorly in interviews at times is because I do not come across as ‘personable’ enough. When I speak I usually do so in overly pedantic ways. I am able to dumb-down my speech when I work with clients but usually struggle to do this in interviews. I can't focus on both tasks at once. So, common feedback is that I sound very ‘textbook-like’ and not ‘personable’.  Something missing is a good way to put it.

Recently, I was unsure about a situation (situation) at work with a colleague from another service. I was uncertain about whether her behaviour was acceptable or not in terms of normative behaviours. This is the situation… I was speaking with a work colleague who is leaving the organisation. This other worker came across and interrupted our conversation and started speaking with the person I was speaking with, and whilst doing so completely disregarded my existence. Her topic of conversation was not an urgent matter. I was not sure if this was rude or not, and if I was missing some form of social nuance. I was simply puzzled by the situation and was not sure how I should react.  So, I later sort feedback from others who said it was rude behaviour, and that I should have chopped her down. By not putting her in her place gave her permission to mistreat me in the future. This intellectually makes sense to me but is also quite foreign. I have no perception of social hierarchies and it seems very bizarre to me, however, I know that leaving these things unchecked can lead to problems (e.g. bullying, undermining behaviours, social isolation, push over). I am not intending to be a push-over, but non-autistics attribute this label to my behaviour. It’s not intentional, it’s just outside my awareness. I am oblivious to the consequences of my lack of social perception until I gain an intellectual understanding. I think non-autistics learn social skills through osmosis.

Regarding struggle, I suppose I don’t know how to be different.  It seems to be a family pattern i.e. nothing ever comes easy. I seem to be perpetually stuck in survival mode and so does the rest of my family.

If I were to take the advice I gave my clients, I would probably continue to pursue my goal of working with autistic individuals or in disability advocacy. I feel the need to fight the systems. It makes me feel pissed off that people’s attitudes can limit your opportunities and box you in. Why can’t autistics work in a wide range of fields outside of computers, science, art and repetitive tasks. So, it is ‘fight-energy’ that keeps me in this job even though I really do hate aspects of it.

In saying this, I do feel like my resentment at missed opportunities would make me feel a bit surly when helping individuals with challenges similar to my own. I don’t seem to be able to move beyond that, for some reason.  I help people out as best as I can, but I have a lot of bitterness and despair inside me. I am not sure how it serves me. My interest in geology and environmental science has waned as the years have gone by. I think another thing I could do is follow my creative interests, but again self-criticism (not being perfect) holds me back from working on those skills at present. Sustainable design sounds interesting.

What kind of mechanism comes up with other disorders/disabilities?

If I asked myself this; if there was a magical pill that took away my autism would I take it? I probably would not, even if it would make life ‘easier’ in ways. I kind of baulk at the idea that I have to modify or fix myself in some way to live here on this planet. I guess this is also why I struggle in interviews because I feel disgruntled about the fact that I need to put on a performance to be personable in order to get a job. And that me being authentically me is not good enough for social-thinkers! blergh. So, I get into resistence and can't be bothered. But then I also go through a cycle of despair about things not being easy and always a struggle. And then I get triggered and the bitterness surfaces.

 A trait of people with Asperger's is sensitivity to criticism. I perceive opinions as criticisms. I wonder why this has become a fixed universal characteristic, perhaps it comes from the awareness of always doing 'something wrong' in the eyes of non-autistics.

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From Tony Attwood's website (psychologist w/ years of experience working with autistics).
https://iancommunity.org/cs/articles/relationships (https://iancommunity.org/cs/articles/relationships)
Factors inhibiting relationship skills

From early childhood, people with Asperger’s syndrome are less likely to recognize and
understand thoughts, beliefs, desires and intentions of other people in order to make
sense of their behaviour. They are developmentally delayed in Theory of Mind abilities
(Baron-Cohen 1995). This will adversely affect the development of the important
relationship skills of empathy, trust, and the ability to repair someone’s emotions and
share thoughts and responsibilities (Attwood 2004). Typical children have a natural
ability to achieve an age appropriate Theory of Mind and have practiced relationship
skills with family members and friends for many years before applying them to achieve a
successful relationship with a partner.

In order to achieve a successful relationship, a person also needs to understand and
respect themselves (Lawson 2005). Self-understanding and self-reflection can be
particularly difficult for people with Asperger’s syndrome (Frith and Happe 1999). Selfrespect
will have been adversely affected by being rejected, ridiculed and tormented by
peers (Attwood 2006). Adolescents with Asperger’s syndrome are also gullible and
vulnerable to being given misinformation on relationships by fellow teenagers. This can
include instances of being deceived and ‘set up’ that could lead the person with
Asperger’s syndrome to be accused of inappropriate social or sexual behaviour.
Clinicians recognize that people with Asperger’s syndrome have difficulty understanding
and expressing emotions and are prone to develop an anxiety disorder, depression or
difficulty managing anger (Attwood 2003a). These characteristics will obviously have a
detrimental effect on the ability to develop friendships throughout childhood and
relationships as an adult. One of the characteristics of Asperger’s syndrome can be
emotional and social immaturity that can influence the person’s age preference for
friends. This can be of particular concern when an adolescent with Asperger’s syndrome
prefers the company of much younger children. The relationship motivation of the
person with Asperger’s syndrome could be interpreted as being more than platonic.
An emotion that is confusing to people with Asperger’s syndrome is love.

Typical children and adults enjoy frequent expressions of affection, know how to express
affection to communicate reciprocal feelings of adoration and when to repair someone’s
feelings by expressions of affection. A child or adult with Asperger’s syndrome may not
seek the same depth and frequency of expressions of love through acts of affection, or
realize that an expression of affection is expected in a particular situation and would be
enjoyed by the other person. They can be bewildered as to why other people appear to
be ‘obsessed’ with expressing love for each other. Someone with Asperger’s syndrome
may actually perceive expressions of affection as aversive experiences, and a hug as an
uncomfortable squeeze that restricts movement, and they can become confused or
over-whelmed when expected to demonstrate and enjoy relatively modest expressions
of affection. We generally have a wide ‘vocabulary’ of expressions of affection but
someone with Asperger’s syndrome may have a more limited vocabulary and problems
with the intensity of expression. One of my adult clients with Asperger’s syndrome said,
‘We feel and show affection but not often enough and at the wrong intensity.’
Another of the diagnostic characteristics of Asperger’s syndrome is to develop a special
interest that is unusual in terms of the focus or intensity. In adolescence and adult years
the focus can be a person, which could be interpreted as a typical teenage ‘crush’, but
the intensity and some of the associated behaviours could lead to accusations of
stalking or harassment.

The predisposition to develop a special interest can have other effects on the
development of relationship knowledge. Special interests have many functions for
people with Asperger’s syndrome, and one of these is to acquire knowledge to
understand bewildering aspects of their experiences (Attwood 2003b). Teenagers with
Asperger’s syndrome are often eager to understand and experience the social and
relationship world of their peers, including relationships and sexual experiences, but
there can be problems regarding the source of information on relationships. An
adolescent with Asperger’s syndrome usually has few, if any, friends with whom he or
she can discuss and be informed about relationship topics such as romantic or sexual
feelings and the codes of sexual behaviour. Unfortunately, the source of information on
relationships for adolescents with Asperger’s syndrome can be pornography for males
and television ‘soap operas’ for females. The person with Asperger’s syndrome can
assume that the actions in pornographic material provide a script of what to say or do
on a date that could lead to being charged with a sexual offence. The charges tend to be
for sexually inappropriate behaviour rather than sexually abusive or sexually violent
behaviour (Ray, Marks and Bray Garretson 2004). Adolescent women with Asperger’s
syndrome may use television programs and films as source material to learn about
relationships, and fail to recognize that the actions and themes are not an accurate
portrayal of how to achieve and maintain a relationship in real life.

Clinical experience indicates that previously socially excluded and unpopular teenage
girls with Asperger’s syndrome have, after the physical changes that occur at puberty,
become flattered by the attention of teenage boys. Due to her naivety, the adolescent
girl may not recognize that the interest is sexual and not a way for the boy to simply
enjoy her personality, company or conversation. Because their daughter has no female
friends to provide advice on dating and the social and sexual codes, parents may
become concerned about her vulnerability to promiscuity, sexual experiences and date
rape

I think a problem I have always had is my oversensitivity to people’s opinions.

  Sure, I approached the subject more gently with you than I might with another. I have no malice to want to upset you. Triggering you would be unproductive to communication.

My Earth and Environmental Science teacher said that I should reconsider pursuing Geology because of my weakness in math and chemistry. I think a lot of my issues may have been due to the style of teaching at school, my increasing issues with anxiety and depression, unresolved grief, shame, my undiagnosed attention and sensory issues, social stressors, and my lack of motivation when it came to studies. Social play traumatised me, and so did my sensitivity adults ‘harsh’ manners. I took things too personally. My irritability set in at about age 12 and got worse each consecutive year.  As a result, I lost the confidence to pursue my ‘dream’, and just gave up.

  So you are punishing yourself for betraying yourself in giving up on your dreams. No wonder you are angry eh? Thing is, if you identify what it is you really love most about geology, quite possibly your passion could be satisfied without a geology degree.  Maybe as a gold, gem or fossil hunter? Self employment has no safety net, but it also has no bosses to argue with...

So, common feedback is that I sound very ‘textbook-like’ and not ‘personable’. 

  Yeah that's sort of my surface impression of how autistics present.

I was not sure if this was rude or not, and if I was missing some form of social nuance. I was simply puzzled by the situation and was not sure how I should react.

I get that too sometimes, sort of a frozen deer in headlights feeling of confusion because I am not sure what just happened... or if in trance, crippled by an inability to defend myself or say no.  For the most part, focusing on my body sense of its own boundaries helps.

If I were to take the advice I gave my clients, I would probably continue to pursue my goal of working with autistic individuals or in disability advocacy.

  If someone came to me wanting to be trained as a healer because they need healing, I would tell them no. This pattern of trying to give to others what you do not possess yourself is a projection game. It needs a big dose of "take the stone from your own eye first." I can agree autistics need advocacy, but I am not sure they are the best ones to advocate for themselves. If you had to go to court, would you hire a lawyer or try to be one? 

I feel the need to fight the systems. It makes me feel pissed off that people’s attitudes can limit your opportunities and box you in. Why can’t autistics work in a wide range of fields outside of computers, science, art and repetitive tasks. So, it is ‘fight-energy’ that keeps me in this job even though I really do hate aspects of it.

  I dub thee, Don Quixote... I appreciate the sentiment behind your attitude, in the sense that all of us have potentials to unfold.  I do not agree with it, but I would say you have exactly expressed the source of your own misery. The attitude brings to mind quotes from Fight Club movie like https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zi9ivZL7vmA (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zi9ivZL7vmA)

  A whole generation was taught they can do or be anything and it led to a lot of entitled adults who are pissed to discover its not true, and they want the world to change to please them. 

  I can't be Wayne Gretsky, or Mozart or Einstein. . . This idea that someone can do or be anything is a fallacy, and its a bit crazy. The strength of people is how we have different skill sets to do amazing teamwork.

  I argue with people who decide they are a Shaman when they clearly are not one, they have the same delusion.

  As a child I expected to become an artist, as a teen I wanted to be a pilot. Looked it up in the school career books, commercial pilots needed 20/20 vision, I am nearsighted. Closed that door. Graduated in 81, during a big recession, abandoned art college plans to get fast employment, trained as a hairstylist. It was a good call, ADD misfit needed the social skills training. Excema on my hands eventually made me consider another career, *movie star!* Went to university, studied acting. Whups ADD brains forgets all her lines if at all self conscious. Switched to improv, make up your own lines!  I was good at it, and learned amazing things about my own creative abilities... but people do not want to see female improvisers, or women doing physical comedy... and other improvisers complained I tended to take over a scene. Becoming a professional dominant, was purely an economic choice, as I was basically unemployable and about to become homeless. Again, amazing growing and many gifts. I learned things about human nature that no school could have taught me, and grew into the woman who could write FST.

  In 1997, new years eve a back injury ended a very active lifestyle, I fell into the internet for lack of else to do and all this came from that. Would the hyperactive lady ever have sat still long enough to write these teachings if not for taking damage, being forced by new limitations onto a different path?

  I have gotten far more benefit from accepting my limitations and going with the flow, only to have better doors open. Thats part of surrender too. 

  For all the things I cannot do because of disability, there are more things I can do, that most would consider completely impossible, like telepathy. I use it so often I take it for granted.

  In duality, there is no free lunch. Energy cannot be created or destroyed and I believe everybody comes in with some gift to offer the world, to pay their way, so to speak... and our talents and our limitations both are shaped to help us navigate to where we belong.

  You are taking up a fight you cannot win, because even if you did succeed in creating advocacy for autistics it would not change a thing about how completely you have rejected your own self. The self criticism, the self punishment, the rejection of some quite valid limitations, where is your self acceptance? Who will advocate for Blossom, inside of Blossom? You cannot give what you do not possess. When do you start to accept yourself?

  A few years back my hub told me he tried to get me flying lessons for my birthday. I really do have the best husband. :) Turned out, contact lenses are no problem but the balance disorder is a total no go!   I just shook my head and laughed. It was funny to have a long closed door briefly reopen like that only to slam shut again, and locked closed.

  Can't learn to fly if you don't know which way is up, except by looking. Would you feel safe with a pilot like that? lol. No. First fog bank I am flying upside down and spilling coffee...  So should I get a protest flag and insist balance disabled people should be allowed to learn to fly? Might as well insist a paraplegic should be allowed to become a fireman, despite being totally unable to rescue anyone, let alone carry them down a ladder.

  I appreciate social justice warriors, all the way back to the suffragettes getting women 
the right to vote. I accept its also very subjective, ISIL assassins raping women for sharia law, probably think themselves justice warriors too but I don't agree with the laws or their concept of justice.

  In the 90s I did some activist stuff with regard to sexual freedoms. Got a lot of hate mail. One day I noticed BDSM themes were showing up everywhere from Calvin Klien ads to Simpsons cartoons and felt, my activist work was done. The theme had gone mainstream. The snowball had momentum and would keep rolling without me pushing it, and I mentally hung up my activist hat. I did not tell anyone of this decision, or change anything on my websites but the hate mail dried up overnight. It just stopped.

That brought home for me the truth of "change the world by changing inside of yourself" more than all the activism. Soon as I stopped sending out the energy of how the world had to change to please me, the world stopped sending me back the same, in harsher language...

  I read what you say about it being hard to think outside the box, and see the results in your answer about what else you could do as a career.  My brain is the opposite, "there is a box?" Came across an article last week about how to teach your dog to hunt truffles and thought it would be fun to train little fluffbutt to be a truffle hunter. 

Seems you are doing the expected thing, school, career, success ladder, etc. and you feel stuck on that path. Soul knows your destiny though and its always out of the box. :) I think the insights will come of inspiration, not deliberation. 
 
 

 

Thanks Mystress.

I sat with what you posted for a few days because I did feel some resistance come up regarding limitations + changing the world to please me + entitlement (+ the need to be a 'somebody' (ego-stuff)).

I do have high expectations of myself, so a lot of self-criticism and lack of acceptance. I can and will work towards surrendering my ‘resistance’.

What did I love about Geology and Environmental Science? With geology, I was fascinated by the study of Earth’s processes.  I collected a lot of rocks and books on geology in my younger years. With environmental science, I was interested in the processes but also in conservation/sustainability.  However, pursuing that road might be entering into another ‘fight’ (i.e. planet needs rescuing).

I would hire a lawyer, as that is not my area of expertise.  In Mental Health there is a boom in peer support work, although that is not the type of work I want to do. One of my past colleagues stood under that banner and now works across a few hospitals, and part of her job is to assist in policy changes. When I mentioned disability work I pictured a coordination role, as I am good at retaining and giving information. So, as a coordinator your job is to assist people to link up with services they’re eligible for. And with NDIS coming in, NDIS coordinators assist people to budget their packages and link into services. So, practical support. And with advocacy, it was more about assisting people to develop self-advocacy skills. Do things alongside with and not do things for people.

I know there are other people with Autism already in that other kind of ‘advocacy’ work. They’ve written books, write articles online, attend lectures, educate the masses, and do a range of other related stuff. Some higher-functioning autistics work as teacher’s aides in disability schools, as nurses, psychologists, lawyers, actors, musicians and more. So, there are many autistics who work outside the expected boxes. I suppose that is why I also push myself to stay on my current path.

I do wish to find something that I would enjoy doing, but as I said before I am a bit attached to my current role due to the ‘investment’ I’ve put into it. It is a hurdle I need to work through.

Yes, I am doing the expected thing. School, career, success ladder…etc.  And I agree, I am the author of my own misery. And I am seeking a way to get unstuck.

Diet Changes.
I am having another look at my diet. There is still something a bit out of whack with my blood sugar.
I know that prolonged stress on my body has caused fatigue plus an overproduction of cortisol. When my blood sugar drops, this creates more stress and more cortisol in my body. An endless loop. The tricky bit has been not reaching out for sugary foods to get an instant energy boost. I think I may have a double-whammy issue with the HPA-axis (hypothalamus, pituitary and adrenals), as there is a correlation between HPA-axis dysregulation and Autism. Kundalini stress/resistance also contributes to this issue.

I have been eating many small meals during the day for some time now. I make sure to eat nuts and seeds. I wonder if having a biscuit, some chocolate or some ice-cream every now and then is too much sugar. I have cut back my coffee intake to 1 a day and then drinking only organic decaffeinated coffee after that.  I try to drink enough water, but it tends to go through me.

At the moment, I have been taking an extra-potent multivitamin, fish oil, a hair, skin, nails supplement, and have been experimenting with cannabidiol (CBD). I was taking Paradise Herbs, ORAC-Energy Green for a bit but stopped taking it a month or so back. I was tossing about whether I should get niacinamide.
I had a look at digestive changes on the other site and may incorporate hemp and molasses into my diet. I keep being drawn to follow an anti-inflammatory diet. I also need to find a way to get my gut-health in order. I don’t have IBS or anything like that, but I do feel there is an underlying issue.

Berberine, Bitter melon, Goat’s rue, Lipoic acid, Benfotiamine, L-carnosine, Ginseng, Salvia miltiorrhiza, Magnesium and Inositol are all meant to help with blood sugar.

I am just chittering away in this post.

Today had its challenges. I find I experience resistance when I perceive that people are telling me what to do. It hits the gut and I get that ‘grrrr’ sensation. Indicating that my ego-defences have been triggered. I hope that I can do better in the future. I know I need to watch it because I have been told that I am quite expressive (facial expressions).  I wish that I could be on top of things in the moment and shift my perspective a bit so that I am not going into resistance so much.

I find it challenging to interact/deal with micro-managing mangers.

I felt awkward yesterday when the manager above my manager yelled at me from 100 meters (110 yards) away yesterday after training, calling me Kate (my colleague's name). She kept hollering until I had to turn around and yell that I wasn’t the person she was after. I feel uncomfortable yelling (raising my voice in public), period. I don’t like the attention. She called me Kate again today when she dropped into our office. Yes, I acknowledge that hostility surfaces in response to mistaken identities.

-------------
I seem to keep hitting obstacles when it comes to seeking support for myself, which in turn is triggering the old pattern/belief 'the universe does not want me to get better' or 'I have to invest in a lot of personal resources to seek support... life is so unfair'. Victim-hood stuff. Maybe I have entitlement (?) issues. It does trigger despair.

So, I've been to my general practitioner a few times for a referral to a psychiatrist (treating practitioner), so that I can get rebates for an audiologist and neurofeedback. Neurofeedback is very expensive, as it requires 40-50 sessions. Rebates are for 10 sessions. Barriers include, my first GP not believing my reports (And telling me a story about her nephew and her personal opinions), psychiatrists having a long wait-list, the clinic I got my assessment at not offering rebates and harassment from family about not spending money ($$$) on self-improvement.

I have competing goals, so I have a lot of contradictory attitudes towards money now (including scarcity consciousness and what my sister terms as 'irresponsible spending' (e.g. getting the range of tests I did, pursuing training in somatic trauma...wanting to get bodywork (to assist my body release karma) and other similar things). I am trying to save as much I can for a deposit for an apartment this and next year. All these additional expenses to 'get better' competes with saving for a deposit. However, I am sick of the fatigue and my body being in a constant state of immobilisation (chronic dissonance in my solar plexus/gut). I do the grounding exercises and the sensation remains, so I take this to mean I am not grounded. And there is some resistance to grounding/being in my body. Why does my body have to be so uncomfortable?

I am feeling a bit more inspired to do something creative e.g. draw or paint. Whether I will follow through on this is another thing altogether.

I recently redid the Myer-Briggs test. I've done this test a few times over the years and keep getting INTJ-T (T is for the turbulent type. I am not surprised). Allegedly, INTJ is not common for females. People with this personality tend to be impersonal, stubborn and over analytical. They are easily bored by small repetitive tasks, they need stimulating and challenging activities to thrive.

Holding on to some tension in my stomach at the moment. This always seems to happen after something 'shocking happens', it doesn't discharge right away and it is slow to process. It takes days, sometimes more. On Saturday, I was driving with my sister to a large shopping centre (mall) for groceries and to have coffee (decaf) at a cafe. I was in the middle of three lanes when someone on my right hit me on the driver's side. They didn't check their blind spot. No point in going into detail, but essentially had to chase the car. The at-fault driver stepped out of their car in a towel and tried to shift the blame onto me. Quite verbally aggressive. They got back into their car and drove off. I drove to the police station because here in Australia you're legally obliged to provide your license details. The police driver looked at me strangely and asked odd questions. I think it's because I show no outwards expressions of being in a heightened state sometimes. I digress, I got the details and sorted stuff out with my insurer.  However, since then I have been in a heightened state of arousal e.g. agitation, unease in gut and other such things. I have tried to surrender it, but it's not going completely. So, I suppose there is more to unpack.

I feel like I stuff all the shock into my gut where it gets stuck. Not great.

At work, I am slowly moving into an NDIS coordinator position. Something I mentioned previously. I get to hit the ground running and am picking up a couple of clients. Lots of managers have been quitting during the changeover to NDIS. The regional manager quit two weeks ago. My manager just resigned today, however, she was increasingly calling in sick the last few months.

I've just been observing a pattern of behaviour that I've had since childhood in reflection. It bleeds into all aspects of my life. The easiest way for me to describe it is that it is something that stems from impatience. For example, I remember that in Art class I would become frustrated when my skill-set didn't match up with what I was envisioning in my mind. This perfectionism led to anxiety and dejection. And it also inhibited the process of me developing my skills, so that I could attain mastery. It takes years and lots of practice to hone skills. However, I did not seem to be able to reconcile my lack of capacities and remained stuck in future-focused thinking (i.e. I should have the capacity and experience to do this now). I don't seem to have the patience to establish sturdy foundations, and be happy with the slow and steady progress. There is an underlying sense of panic.

This deep-rooted anxiety still emerges when I study and can lead to procrastination. It also arises within my job, as I have the expectation that I should be at a higher level although I haven't done the time or developed the necessary skills. It is also why I have avoided drawing and other artistic pursuits, since my early 20s.

I do wonder what this is about and why I hold on to this pattern of behaviour. This fear. In what way does it serve me (good or bad)? It is quite debilitating. Goddess, these expectations that I continue to hold onto are all your fault.

I am finding that the supplements (+ removal of caffeine and sugars) that I have been taking have been beneficial, and my body is starting to slowly calm down and replenish.

I am attempting to better understand the resistance I go through when I encounter something that causes me distress i.e. it sets off my stress response. In the past, if something triggered me I would often go into attack (defence) mode as that was my default response. I would automatically defend my ego-boundaries. These days if something triggers me I do my best to give the situation time, and allow for things to de-escalate so that I can (hopefully) open my mind a bit (shift attitudes/perspectives). If my mind doesn't like the sound of something it is easy to close-off, so I do wish to break this cycle. Anger is a common reaction. Anger getting stuck in my body is also another common reaction. I am stuck in the polarisation that the world is a dangerous place (shattered world-view) and this is one of the causes of my issues with anxiety. Every time I get triggered it hits me in the gut.

Something I was learning in somatic trauma training (and understanding anger) is that when healthy aggression is thwarted, then we have anger. When anger is thwarted â€" not permitted â€" then we get hostility. The function of anger is to get you to engage in behaviours that keep you from being attacked or harmed by other people. Anger can also be addictive because anger-based patterns of brain activation can look very similar to joy. They share the same neural building blocks with pleasure and arousal. This helps explain why anger can be so rewarding.

They also go on to say that sometimes people are angry because they have been injured in a traumatic way and they’re terrified of the images, the thoughts, the memories, and the emotions connected with the trauma.
Whatever comes up that is related to their trauma, their anger comes up really loud and clear as a kind of shield â€" a way to not feel those other emotions. The anger becomes a vigilant protector, defending against any threat of retraumatisation. Traumatised patients keep repeating the actions that began when the trauma
happened, but it never resolves, because they repeat it in a dysregulated fashion. The way out of it is to integrate it (or allow yourself to move through the completion cycle).

I am not quite able to do this at this point, as I am afraid of anger/rage. Others people's anger/rage caused a lot of terror in me in the past. I allowed my nervous system to be hijacked by their responses, as I lacked the skill to remain grounded within myself.  And I guess this also links into the anxiety I feel about mistakes or making a mistake i.e. there will be dire consequences.

Not sure what to do regarding lessons. I've made my way through them all (It was this time last year is when I started to work through them from the beginning again). I am a bit reticent to do an essay. I think I might sit with things for a bit and see what lessons I need to revisit.

Mystress has popped into my dreams a few times the last few weeks, although the content of the dreams is quickly forgotten after waking. I remember bits and pieces e.g. being in a group setting (similar to the temple hang out on SL).

My nervous system is settling down after my dietary adjustments and supplementation. I've had a glob arise in my stomach (under diaphragm) which indicates something is close to releasing but not quite, as it submerges.

I have an aversion for risk-taking. It causes anxiety to surface.

I've been receiving neurofeedback. I'll be going for the fourth session on Friday.  I am quite tired afterwards and the next day. Lead clinician gave me some more information about my initial EEG. My hypervigiliance doesn't turn off when my eyes close and my brain puts me to sleep during activities that require intense focus.

I attended Beginner II/III of Peter Levine's Somatic Trauma experiencing, as part of that course you're required to have personal sessions and consults. I chose to go with body workers this time around. Again, my body doesn't seem to want to fully relax and will jolt if on the verge of relaxation. I remember one worker speaking of the window of tolerance. I also remember my body doing the jolt movements when I tried the sensory deprivation tank two-to-three months back. So, I take that to mean 'it's not safe to relax'.

As I was learning about dysregulation, I found out (through watching sessions and discussions) that other people share this weird thing with the solar plexus. The weird thing is that it is a container for emotional stuff and is what the body does when it doesn't know how to respond in the preverbal stages. This one lady, although her experiences sound a lot more severe than my own (repeated sexual abuse, miscarriages and loss of sight), even had the breathing issue I have. Although I didn't know it was an issue until I paid attention to my breathing. On my inhalation my diaphragm contracts instead of expands (like most other people).  The bodyworker who told me about the window of tolerance said that I don't allow my whole body to assist with dealing with emotional blows. So, part of her work was to get things moving in my joints.

I also noticed that I am quite resistant to allowing my system/body to do as it needs. To complete the dysregulation cycles. Simply for the reason that the wild movements are kinda scary. I have a lack of trust that DB will keep me safe.  So, in one session my body was going through the motions it does when I meditate. And when I allowed my body to do as it needs it went through the same motions. So, what happens is this... my head turns to look over my left shoulder. It stays there for a few moments. It then moves back to normal position and proceeds to do neck adjustments, sometimes they are quite quick and energetic. Then my body collapses and curls over. One time it moved into child's position (yoga pose). Another time it moved me into a deep backbend  (also disconcerting although I went with it). It moved me through a few hip opening yoga poses and then into a sun salutation, ending in a mudra (hand in prayer position). Lots of buzzing, heat and coolness throughout this process. Also a bit of jaw tightness and discomfort in my crown (near fontanelle) and on side of skull.

Another thing I noticed at the training is that I am very uncomfortable in crowds and social gatherings.  I also can't stand exercises that require touch in public spaces. My body won't relax.

I'm still pursuing neurofeedback treatment, to help create new pathways in my brain to improve functioning. I notice my irritability has gone down and attention has improved.

I'm feeling somewhat challenged at work, due to working with several people with personality disorders. It makes me wonder again if I have features of PD due to having emotional sensitivity and dysregulation issues. I have seen other people with Autism with similar features. You can have both Autism and PD. Maybe it's just down to nervous system dysregulation. Goddess, it's all your fault I am so emotionally sensitive and sensitive in general.

Something that has come up in work with clients is "the nobody cares" tirade that goes along with you not responding to emails, texts, and phone messages right away. I have other people to see and things to do, so I can't be at the beck and call of people. When you start to lay boundaries with these people they can have adverse reactions to it, as they need to maintain a sense of 'control'. Rejection/abandonment fears come up a lot. Another thing is, people looking for external sources of support to get them out of heightened states. I have learned not to respond to people right away, and will redirect them later to look toward internal sources of support or crisis supports. In saying this, I understand these various fears, as I have had this flare up at different points in life i.e. the need for someone to 'save me' or give me answers. Or the compulsion to tell (or pick apart) my story to make sense of it, however, it never leading to resolution.  I guess something for me to watch is the flares of irritation and anger that come up when there has been a communication breakdown or people are being too 'needy'.

Hmmm.

While cooking, I had the spontaneous (heart voice) inner dialogue telling me to spend some time clearing my energy (other peoples stuff) and to re-read SP lesson. And to ground and pull energies back.

Also, reconsidering an earlier point of  Mystress: why am I in this job. Risk-taking scares me, a lot. The thought of doing something unpredictable fills me with horror. I freeze. This job is "safe"/ familiar". It sucks that I am not ready/able to move beyond this at this moment. I wonder what it would feel like if I touched the outer edges of this fear, can I sit with that?

I had an interesting time this afternoon at work. I had the 'I am going to get in trouble' fear triggered, due to a confrontation with a client I recently started working with. I've seen her 3-4 times now and spent that time observing her. Really observing her behaviours and response to the world. So, I was anticipating that I would get to a point where I would say something and she'd go off like a firecracker. That happened to be today. It was in me setting a boundary: "Okay! I can do this for you this time..."... which led to an explosive reaction in the other person. She became quite verbally abusive. My role is to build capacity and not be a 'carer' (i.e build dependency). This person, I have learned through conversation, wants a personal servant.  And that's not in my job description (or what I am paid to do).

So, you can make allowances to be nice but there is a fine line to tread before you fall into a place where it doesn't sit right in your gut.

I think my response was reasonably good as I felt quite calm in spite of that fear that came up and I fell back on skills used in DBT in relation to communicating with complex individuals. In the past, this sort of confrontation would cause me to freeze or feel terrified (like my head was going to be chopped off). I aim to continue to react in more constructive ways that enable me to stay in my power and not get sucked into power games.

I did feel a bit tired afterwards and I do wonder if that is 'normal'.

Hey, Blossom.  My first reaction is that feeling tired is a mix of  gas and brakes at the same time, i.e., reacting to the situation professionally and resistance to what you might want to say or do. 

When I've been in situations like this with difficult and manipulative clients, the first thing I would do is to reflect back to them what they're doing and what they want, to let them know that I hear them.   Then, I'd remind them without apology of the parameters of my role with them. 

I  would also tell them that I'm not available for abuse.  They could either choose to have me work with them or they could choose to have me leave the situation if they wanted to continue being abusive, with the understanding that when they were willing to talk to me as one adult to another, I'd be willing to resume contact with them.

This worked for me.

Hi Sigmund, that makes a lot of sense. I did put the brakes on with regard to what I wanted to say or do (as I was trying to process how to best handle the situation). I think I sometimes preemptively assume the person will not comprehend anything in that heightened state, so I don't continue having the 'argument'. I think I need more practice with reflecting back to them what they're doing and what they want (addressing the feelings/emotions).

I gave her the option of 'Would you like me to go?'. And her response was the accusatory 'You would do this to someone and would leave someone in this state? ra ra ra ra'  To which I responded.. "I said would you like me to go, not, I am going. I gave you an option".

I also went into the parameters of my role and how it seems like she is needing a higher level of care. I asked her what she did when other people weren't around. She went into her whole story about physical disability and sometimes not eating until 3pm. I am not sure how exhausted she is and how much she plays on her 'illness' i.e. put on a show. The other week she had no problem walking quickly into the bathroom when her emotions got the better of her. So, I reiterated that we could advocate that she get a higher level of care when she gets her disability package.

After some more talk, I asked again: Would you like me to leave?  And at that point, she had settled a little bit and said yes.

I spoke with another worker she works with (for two years now), who does more support coordination work. She communicated that this lady is quite love/hate. And that she has been quite verbally abusive at times but eventually comes back around regarding supports. Her thoughts were that this lady is testing out 'who is safe'. And you're right, I don't need to put up with abuse. This worker said this lady's homecare workers (cleaners and carers) are quite intimidated by her. To the point that this worker saw the other workers shaking like a leaf.


So, I think I will get there in time. I just need to keep taking the next step in the process and get comfortable with that.

Thanks again for your input/thoughts Sigmund.

Yesterday, I was reminded of my paradoxical breathing when I was getting neurofeedback. I am starting to notice changes in my behaviour, overall. My brain fog has lifted. I am trying to be mindful of my anxiety issues e.g. stress response being triggered by loud noises. Anyway, back to paradoxical breathing. I am starting a newly introduced treatment at the clinic called HeartMath. Essentially, as with neurotherapy, you're hooked up to a machine which then assists you to find coherence regarding connectivity to heart. Umm, it slowly retrains your physiological behaviours into something a bit more optimal. So, while doing the breathing exercise I noticed that I was breathing opposite to the instructions, but my coherence scores were high. I challenged myself to breathe the opposite way and caused myself to become incoherent and dizzy.

I am not sure if simply clearing Karma will get my diaphragm to function properly given that my biological rhythm is out of whack. I might need to go through the process of retraining myself to breathe normally...

Here is a bit of what I learned about paradoxical breathing:
The trigger for paradoxical breathing is a shock situation. During inhalation, the abdominal wall moves inward. The intercostal muscles raise the rib cage and pull up the relaxed diaphragm and the abdominal organs. During exhalation, the belly arches outward because the rib cage relaxes. Paradoxical breathing prepares us for a flight or fight reaction and causes an immediate adrenaline rush. Many people breathe like this for their entire lifetime, which keeps their sympathetic nervous system in a state of constant arousal. The breathing pattern -which stimulates the sympathetic nervous system even more intensely than chest breathing - can be observed in many trauma clients.

I wonder what impact this has on other parts of the body. I do have a lot of stuff in my gut  :)

I am starting a new job on October 30th (I found out at the end of last week and I resigned from my current job yesterday). It is going to be less social. :)

I have noticed that I have had some 'saboteur' fears crop up this last week and that's okay. 

I have been finding it challenging to say that I am leaving my job to one client. Today I was fretting that I was going to be the straw that broke the camels back if I said I was leaving. The person was very emotionally volatile and doesn't do well with change. I am going to have to bite the bullet and say Bye! on Tuesday.

I was doing some reading on autism and polyvagal theory. Porges talks about the flight, fight and immobilisation/freeze system, which is an important part of our safety and security. He talks about the vagus nerve. Porges believes that in autists this system turns itself on all the time without there being much to worry about. It is twitchy or haywire. Porges hypothesises that people with autism have a compromised social engagement system. It has not had the chance to develop due to early activation of FFI/F. The social engagement system provides humans with the opportunity to use social behaviour to co-regulate physiological state and to symbiotically experience a biobehavioural state of safety.  You don't need the social engagement system when you are fighting for your life e.g. fight/flight/freeze.

And that kinda really does make sense, I do perceive people as threats and there is high anxiety i.e. not feeling safe in the world. It also explains why my constant complaint and focus has been about my gut.

I have had 5 days worth of training for my new job. I'll start at the office tomorrow. One positive thing about this government job is that you can have an OT assessment, to make your workspace ergonomic. I am looking forward to less social chit-chat at work! I am looking forward to more routine.

The other week I had another ASD assessment with a clinical psychologist. This assessment was probably the most comprehensive ASD assessment I've had to date. I found out that I am terrible at differentiating subtler emotions in non-autistic people, who knew! And I don't have a personality disorder.

I am moved to meditate this evening. I haven't done this in awhile.

All the best to you, Blossom, today and in all the days and nights to come.  In manageable ways, of course. 

Thanks Sigmund :)


I recently attended intermediate level 1 for SE. The focus was on global activation, birth trauma, and high impact trauma. I kept getting activated in group environments. What also activated was the belief `you`re not welcome here`, which coincidently was spoken about in terms of birth processes and family karma. When the parent feels strongly about not wanting the child. I don`t think I had that with my mother or father, but I do get it with regard to people in general. It seems to be a common theme for people who feel out of place in this world. I also had the `not welcome here` thing activate today.

In the context of babies, the baby may not tether fully into their body because of the atmosphere of the home environment. It`s not safe enough. I am reminded of grounding practices and the need to fully get in your body. I guess it`s a process if you`re not fully safe in the body. And that`s where you get people who are half in this world and half out of it.

I`ve booked myself in to get a remedial massage tomorrow. I seem to clench my jaw a lot and it is causing tightness in my upper shoulders, neck, and head.

After getting remedial massage it has loosened some of my lower back muscles, so my lower back has been cracking a bit.  I have changed my pillow, so hopefully, that helps with neck and head strain.

The city is very noisy and busy, and people wear smelly perfumes. And so I get a little bit cranky (intensity a 5 or 6 out of 10). Still enjoying my work, although it has been a bit tiring to learn a lot of new content.

Entitlement has come up through reading peoples plans. The expectation that everything has to bend for you. I have been sitting within it.

Working where I am at the moment has been interesting. My last two reviews have said that my work quality is at an excellent standard and my reports were gushing with praise. This level of praise makes me feel very uncomfortable, so I have been attempting to have gratitude for it instead of cringing.

Having the power to decide what funding people get for their disability has also been interesting. Well, not entirely my power, because the system does have certain parameters and there are guidelines. I guess the more accurate thing is that I work with the wiggle-room. There is this whole notion around reasonable and necessary when making a decision to allocate funding. Entitlement comes up a lot in this work. People get angry when they don't get funding for certain things and threaten action. The grassroots page is full of that talk e.g. if you don't get funding for a talking microwave you should immediately take the issue to your local MP, the locals news, somebody. I've had a few mothers with kids with a more milder form of autism get annoyed when you don't fund a support worker to teach their child how to cook, catch the bus and other such stuff. I thought this sort of crap was the responsibility of the parent and not the government (or more specifically the tax-payer).

I do have the projection that these people should be happy that they get something because there are other people in other parts of the world that get nothing. It's not a big deal if you don't receive funding to buy an Ipad. Everyone else who has wanted an Ipad has either bought it themselves or stolen it (if they've had the opportunity). Just because you have a 'disability' doesn't mean you're entitled to a free one.

I guess the point here is that this energy is interesting. I think I am having a bit of resistance to it as I am scoffing at these people.  It activates the "fight" energy in me :-\

 I am glad you seem to be in a much better place with this job... and as for the scoffing, I am kinda with you, there. Entitlement is rampant and I think you need to keep some of that, to keep doing the job well. What do you do with people whose greed is bigger than their common sense? Deprive those with greater need and more sensible use,  to indulge their absurd fantasies?

Vancouver has become an extremely expensive place to live, largely because of off shore investors, mostly Chinese, who drive up the real estate prices then leave the homes unoccupied. It was voted the most beautiful city in the world and one of the top 10 places to live, over and over by international magazines. Gentrification happens.

   I would love to live there again,  but our home in the 'burbs is actually affoardable.  Its gone up too, we paid 240k and the last assessment 12 years later is 750k, and probably higher next year as the road was redone last summer and now we have sidewalks.  Actually, the other side of the street has sidewalks which is great because we don't have to shovel them.

  There is a ton of news about people complaining they cannot affoard to live in Vancouver, and expecting the government to provide housing. To me, that would be like expecting low income housing in Beverly Hills. Huge entitlement, there are other places in Canada where you can buy a house for 50k.  So now Vancouver is having trouble finding workers for entry level jobs like Starbucks... but Canadians don't want those jobs anyway and for many years they are mostly filled by Indians on temp work visas, who are willing to make the commute from the burbs on transit to earn more money than they ever could at home, for the same job.  We admire their work ethic.

  On a spiritual level, energy is infinite, and as the seeker learns to go with the flow, it becomes apparent that Goddess provides, but on the level of duality, there is no free lunch. Resources are limited and good judgement is invaluable. I think, scoffing at people who expect a free lunch is just part of the job and not something needing to be fixed, because they do get aggressive in their entitlement and sometimes a laugh at them is a needed whack with the clue stick and deflects the pressure. 

  I have had people ask me for a FST scholarship because they are disabled. It is really the wrong approach for asking me for a scholarship.  I explain my own disabilities to them, and how I am not on any kind of government assistance. They don't seem to know how to respond to that.

  Maslow's hierarchy of needs, suggests that if they have not gotten the basics handled they might not be ready for the higher spots up the pyramid. Plenty of info on my free websites, and free support through k -list and the K teacher guestbook. Nobody is falling through the cracks. 

  Sometimes charity results in validating people's belief in their own helplessness. I am very grateful for the donations I get, but they are motivated by what I provide for people. Support for me to keep on doing what I am doing.  Grateful for a supportive husband paying most of the household bills too. 

  I have bought hand crocheted dish cloths from little old ladies, hand beaded lighter covers from a disabled woman at a compassion club, tons of stuff from people who have a shop in secondlife because they are too disabled for a rl store.  Disabled rarely means helpless. You are proof that a disability does not mean a free ride.

  Everybody comes in with some gift to offer to pay their way, and creative people can always find a way to earn a few extra. At one point in my life I was on welfare, and made some extra xmas money by painting store and restaurant windows.  Going door to door with my bag of paint and supplies, painting whatever people wanted. A sushi restaurant wanted a summo wrestler santa in the style of the old japanese woodcuts.  He got it.

  People like Stephen Hawking, the poor guy looks like a bug squashed on the windshield but hes a working professor, author and celebrity, his mind out in the stars. Bet hes gotten a ton of funding but hes earned it, his disability is extreme but he has never stopped working. Most people would have given in to the helplessness.

  I think, replace scoffing with amusement at absurdity, and so long as you are not actually mocking the clients you will be fine. Replace praise with acknowledgement, its easier to swallow.  Positive feedback.

  It is part of your job to resist people who want to get money for stupid stuff, and save the money for the people who really need it to get the smart stuff.

  Sure if they want to fight about it, go over your head then you may have to fight them but it is more likely you made the right call, and the MPs would back you up. The more people write to their MPs about stupid stuff, the less the MPs will have time to deal with it all. The complaint goes into the cranks folder for the assistant to send off the boilerplate response, so they can focus on their real work.

  You seem to be really good at it too. I am not seeing any problem here except you being really hard on yourself, as usual.  :)

   

Thanks Mystress! I read your response shortly after you initially wrote it and sat with it for a bit.

Your home in the burbs sounds lovely. I have heard those things about Vancouver and a similar thing has been happening here in Sydney.

--------

Trust my instincts seems to be something people have been telling me a lot lately.

The other day I was sitting with my body. I recently finished intermediate level of somatic trauma training (Peter Levine), and out of that, I have found out that my body braces a lot. So, some part of me will feel a lot of discomforts (e.g. being in a  busy crowd) but my mind overrides that and pushes on. Hence the bracing/contraction. So, as I was sitting with my body I allowed it to do what it wanted to do at that moment. I felt quite like a mannequin as my body made my neck go fully back and side to side, and collapse, and twist and grimace. I am trying to surrender to it but some part of me still feels scared when my body does these spontaneous movements that can seem quite quick and sometimes violent(?).

I recently returned from a lovely trip to Europe.  I went to Copenhagen, Stockholm, Helsinki, St Petersburg, Tallinn, Torun, Gdasnk and Berlin. I also spent time with my mother's family. I chaperoned my mum until we got to Poland. One interesting comment from several different family members at different times towards my was, "It's like you're from another planet". Meaning that even my mother's relatives think she is something different.

I loved exploring the old cities (castles, museums, mausoleums), although I think Berlin still had the biggest WW2 presence. The only thing is that now I've returned home there seems to be a more "surreal" quality to life. The world literally looks and feels a bit different. Not too sure what is going on there.

I had a very weird dream the other night. I am not sure if it is because I have watched one too many movies like annihilation (I watched that a few months back). In this dream, I was crouching low and people were examining my back. I can't recall what environment it was, but it did seem a bit sterile. Anyhow, on my back was this huge growth of many flowers but not flowers. It was not fungus. It was like a rainbow parasitic bloom of hybrid coral and land-based flowers. It grossed me out, a lot. One of the people examining my back accidentally broke a piece of which then fell to the floor a lot of clear liquid (water) poured out. I think I have hostile/resistant feelings towards anything "parasitic". It is disturbing. I mean, in my more worried times I would obsessively cut cords or look for attachments - trying to stamp out and get rid of anything parasitic.

I was sitting with myself the other night and had something release out of the nerves, muscles and tissues around my solar plexus. This releasing is still incremental and still feels like I am being stabbed each time.  And that physical and energetic sensation of the top of my head being lifted off but not lifting off is back when I sit in meditation. The topmost feeling I feel is frustration, which I feel in my stomach (gut) - contraction. I will sit with it and play with the thought of what would it be like to relax into it, even just a little bit.

I woke up at midnight with excruciating pain in my abdomen which is still with me now, but to a milder extent. The last time I felt this way was the day after I had a deep tissue massage. I don't feel worried - I am quite tired.

Just adding to the point of most of my family having trouble with intimate relationships or lifelong partnerships. My family is not very good at having genuine friendships or a large circle of friends. They're mostly loners or introverted personalities. Some may have Autism too, like my maternal grandfather. This introversion occurs on both sides of the family. Members of my family like space and privacy. I will say that my mum's family is very competitive with each other and do like to poke each other to get a reaction. I observed this when I was with them a few weeks ago. My mum is very drama-based when something causes a reaction in her (sniping, criticising, chopping at others or self). And if I have those tendencies, it's from that side of the family. 

I don't like the thought of relationships because I am worried about not being able to rid myself of someone who is  a drain on me (parasitic).  I would certainly not want to inflict that pain on someone else. I have had a tendency to draw people in who are not very reciprocal. Meaning, I don't feel like I am getting anything in return on any level (enjoyment)... just irritation, confusion, and other similar things over time. My social radar is just off. Actually, I do wonder. I don't seem to offer things of value to people, hence why I have problems forming and maintaining friendships, but I am not quite sure what that is. What is it that people want but don't get from me? genuine social interest? I am not good at giving compliments or pandering to people.

Why do I draw in certain kinds of people? I mean, it doesn't impact me if they aren't in my life. What is it that I give them? I had this problem in mental health when I worked with people around my age or slightly younger, they would disengage with me quite quickly. I probably came across as being something strange from another planet. One person kept talking about needing to be around "lively" things and not "boring" things. A few weeks later she disengaged from the service citing she no longer needed support. This is another reason why I wanted to get away from 1:1 support work as I don't know what these people want on a social level. I can't give them something I don't possess to begin with. "Social stuff" really does not interest me, but it is a skill I need to develop to try and get on with everyone else - to make them comfortable.  Yes, that is another thing, the lack of bother with others due to seeming "boring" and the energy it would take to fit other peoples molds of "interesting". I have other things I can do with my time, yet at the same time, I feel a sense of loss? or sadness?

I love observing willy wagtails, the little bird featured in my profile pic. Just a sense of delight wells up. They're so cute and animated. I always enjoy walking through the park, having them zip-zag around me as I walk. They're actually quite territorial little birds and feisty. They'll often take on birds bigger than them when they enter their territory during nesting season (e.g. eagles, kookaburras, crows, ravens, magpies), usually a stealth attack from behind!

I was trying to glimpse my lower chakras while on the train to work today but I am not able to do it at this time.  I think I may need to approach it from a different way then head-on.

I had a really nice remedial massage yesterday. Well, by nice, I mean that it got things moving.  I have a lot of pain-points in my body so when the masseuse worked on my calves and hip and anywhere else it hurt a lot. So, I had to be mindful of clenching my jaw in bracing against the pain as those pain points were worked out. She also worked on my jaw and that pain was horrendous, but it was good afterward. You can hold a lot of stress and anger in the jaw which then permeates around the temple. The temporalis muscle and masseter muscle. The test used to see if your jaw is tight is to see if you can horizontally fit three fingers in your mouth. Anyway, loosening up the jaw has helped with the neck and shoulders. I'll be going back on Saturday for dry needling and round two of getting the congestion out of my body. I have made sure that I've had plenty of water to drink. Gotta let my body do what it wants to do in terms of clearing out old stuff.

I was just pondering the times when I seem to encounter strong emotions or reactions in others, and I am not sure if I take the blame (get stuck with a sense of guilt? uneasiness?) of it even when it may have nothing to do with me.  I think it may come back to not wanting to cause hurt or harm in others, not being able to reconcile that the hurt was already in them to begin with.

When I was at a training a couple of months back on trauma, a fellow student spent the day withdrawn in her room and emerged at dinner time. Most of the people had gone so it was only a handful of us left. I looked at her and I had the impulse to say: So, what are you noticing going on in your body?  And I motioned around the solar plexus/stomach area. This other student then suddenly mumbled something and then collapsed on the table. Retrospectively I found out she had just changed her epilepsy medication the other day and was having an epileptic episode. So, the paramedics were called in and she went to the hospital, and she was fine afterward. I think I was rather shocked at the time and as I talk about this I do feel something in my own gut just below the heart.

On Tuesday, this guy came into the agency with a problem that was an easy fix. However, he didn't come to fix that problem, I don't think.  Complex trauma history. He just kept ranting loudly about multiple things other people, government, politics, his upbringing, other people's experiences, how his father shot his mother when he was around four, among other things. I listened. And he eventually left, with less steam, but without his simple problem being fixed. So, that is something he chooses to continue to carry. I did notice a heaviness on the top of my head, kinda like a dark/dense/yuckiness. The best thing I can describe it as is that yuckiness you get when you walk into a pub or an old room that has that old cigarette smell that makes you want to grimace. It cleared quite easy. However, what I still carry is my confusion of responsibility about what is the appropriate thing for me to do, given that I have to work within the confines of my job. I don't know why I get caught up in the whole: "I must do something to help in some way i.e. alleviate the hurt". It certainly doesn't give me a buzz for a job well done if I do help others.

Another thing I noticed was in online groups I get a bit riled when I try and speak simple and plain English, and people seem to misinterpret suggestions as statements of facts even when you use the correct preface and grammar. I then have the compulsion to bite them hard, figuratively.

Even if I have a laugh at it, later on, I feel the need to express my feelings of being both curious and miffed.

So, often, if I choose to engage in facebook support groups, whether it is auditory processing disorder, autism women support groups, sensory processing disorder, or something very specific I find I get into a heated discussion with some people. I usually end up deciding it's not worth my time or energy expenditure, and there are other more enjoyable or pressing things I could be doing instead of engaging in social drama.

For example, on an auditory processing disorder group, the opening poster posed a question specific to adults who have been diagnosed with the condition. I have spatial auditory processing disorder (comorbid to having Autism). The question posed: Do you think having APD causes issues with understanding social cues?

I shared my surface thoughts at the time, as I was responding on the train and didn't bother deep-thinking (considering the question from many different angles). So, I essentially said that I didn't think that APD by itself caused issues with understanding social cues. People with APD might not necessarily experience hearing difficulties in all environments.  I also used the example of people who are hearing impaired, as they have difficulty communicating in certain environments even with hearing aids (I have heard people with hearing impairments at work complain about hearing aids and noisy environments but they don't necessarily have issues with social understanding). I then said perhaps look into the female profile of autism? (not that I thought it was imperative of her to do so - it is okay to offer suggestions to people, right? they have the choice and control on the matter. I am not forcing them to do something).

The OP responded to me in a vague way, saying "Just because someone doesn’t pick up on social cues doesn’t mean they have autism". Which then confused me as I didn't say or mean to imply that if you have difficulty with social cues that you must have Autism. I simply offered the most prominent thought in my mind at the time on the train. I don't feel that I should spend 30 minutes thinking about one paragraph to make sure it is "right", but I sometimes feel that is what is required in order to minimise offense.  In saying that, I will acknowledge that I am biased, as I do think that Autism is under-diagnosed in females and is something worth considering and ruling out. And if I am sharing my top thoughts that is the thing I will mention. I digress. So, I really don't know what the OP meant by that response as it's vague and doesn't offer alternatives. I mean, did I cause offense? Is it derailment? Is she trying to correct me? Is she trying to educate me?

So, then I elaborated things a bit further and acknowledged that I could have talked about intellectual disabilities, ADHD, vision impairment, cultural differences, mental health issues among other things in relation to things to consider with regard to why someone would have difficulty with social cues. I then mentioned how the question was a bit vague to me, as it doesn't outline what social cues we are meant to be talking about (verbal, nonverbal, pragmatics, instinctual... what?). I reiterated that I was simply answering the original question, as the OP was asking for people's opinions about whether they thought APD caused issues with understanding social cues. I offered my opinion. My original response was that I thought that, on its own, it might not (I could be wrong! I would actually have to look at scientific publications to see if they have studied whether APD causes issues with understanding "social cues"). And I then posed to her (using her own words): So when you say not everyone with social difficulties has Autism, what other alternatives were you thinking of?

What is the purpose of these types of posts in these groups? is the person actually seeking differing points of view? Or just trying to seek validation for their own? to fulfill that sense of needing to belong? self-validation? I mean, groups are made up of a different people, it's fair to shush people because they don't agree with you. One choice is to ignore and carry on and the other is to engage in a battle of who will end up the victor? This is another thing I don't know how to navigate, as I want to be respectful of my SP and be assertive yet not get caught up in ego-battles.

And then some person decides to chime in at some point, in defense of the OP, who never got back to me (And I don't care if she does, frankly): There was virtually no animosity in ****'s post, relax lol.

Which then further miffed me because how does she know what the OP's intentions were based on "Just because someone doesn’t pick up on social cues doesn’t mean they have autism". How?? It's so very vague to me. And honestly, as I said, what kind of social cues? As someone who is autistic, my neurology is different so I don't pick up on subtle body language, I may not pick up on sarcasm, I don't perceive social hierarchies... there are many things to do with "social cues" that impact me because my brain fundamentally works differently. It takes a lot of energy to do it "manually". My central coherence connections are weak. I need details, to piece together, to see the whole picture. Autistics have problems filtering out the irrelevant details, whereas non-autistic neurology tends to look for the invisible relationship between the parts that define the whole, often ignoring the individual details. Hence why, people with autism often make good engineers and computer scientists.

The "relax" part riles me up because it's dismissive of the feelings that arose, even if it is well-intentioned it actually has the opposite effect on the person it is directed toward. This also applies to "calm down". I wasn't angry before but I am now sort of thing which then validates the other silly person's viewpoint. The person may ask you to calm down because they don't have the capacity to deal with the emotion themselves.

I have issues with feeling my healthy anger/aggression because of internalizing messages that any healthy debating or expression of passion which hasn't deteriorated into a name-calling fest is inappropriate. So, I feel angry now. I am not clenching down on my jaw. I feel this emotion in my gut. It's not directed at anyone in particular. My impulse is to roar and stamp my feet!

  Facebook is fucked. Don't take it to heart, what happens there. I have had people responding to accuse me of all sorts of crap over quite innocuous posts. I don't post spontaneously very often, unless its to laugh at a funny picture or compliment a friend.

  Considered posts get well considered, but sometimes it makes no difference.  I often choose not to respond to posts even if I think my perspective is useful.  I think the name: facebook, your public face, makes it such a bad ego fest.  So much posturing, with political correctness slipping over into bullying, feeding frenzies and lynch mob mentality. People with a lot of anger looking for an excuse and a target to aim it at. People who claim to be sensitive but think its ok to give abuse and bullying to someone they disapprove of, a lynch a mob of thousands. The concept of people taking responsibility for their own emotional reactions just doesn't exist there.

  I suggest you abandon the fb groups and search the web for some forums.

 

 

yes, that's very true. I keep seeing the following type of posts on FB, "Is this an [fill in the blank] thing? People just seeking reaffirmation. So, I have stepped away from it all. I could look into forums again, but my last attempt at that ended up with me getting into heated arguments with others. That was a few years ago now.

I've been getting into a mentally and emotionally overexcitable state the last week or so. The intensity of the energy is overwhelming (in the sense that I do not feel comfortable with it), so I do notice worries pop up e.g. is this mania? Am I in a state of hyperactivity? Also, I notice that feelings of guilt, shame, and worry have emerged from this state of being. Like, I am judging that it's not normal to be in this state OR I can't be this intense otherwise I am going to crash and burn. The image that comes to mind is a fish out of water flopping and flailing on the ground. So, I haven't been able to sit still for long, I have been talking quite fast and rapidly to people, I have found things quite humorous and joyful, and I have had an abundance of ideas flood my mind.

Old memories have surfaced over the last week or so, which the vortex has chomped on. I keep asking it what it would like to snack on and it keeps saying 'you'. So, I guess there is still an abundance of snacks for it to eat.I have been able to look at numerous situations from a different perspective.

I was feeling slightly envious today at a workshop I attended. This woman, maybe 1-2 years younger than me, was able to get into mental health peer work. This is something that I wanted to do at one stage. She now teaches and lectures about topics that I personally love (mental health, trauma, systems...etc.). I did the whole mental health, psychology, and social work stint but found the mountain insurmountable when I said I had Autism. I remember one hospital interview where they never got back to me, not even to say that I didn't get the job. I feel rejected by the mental health system, not just in this sense but also when I was at my darkest moments (when my body was out of control in my late teens - very intense anxiety). So, no help from the system - just the label of 'oversensitivity' when I ended up in the psych ward for suicidal ideation.

I have always found it hard to get help from any system and I wonder why others have an easier time of it.  So, part of me does wonder what this person has that I don't have which makes it easier for them to pursue that path. Why are others not turned away in their neediness? What makes them more deserving of attention?
Is it because I don't really need the help? Am I just being stubborn because I perceive that I am being excluded from something? And this lack of getting it makes me more determined that I should have it? That little child in me is saying "my needs deserve to be met too!"  I see that other people have been able to get help with much more ease, but it feels like I have to really fight for it OR force my way to get it. This then increases that sense of 'need'. Or do I give off a 'repulsive' energy? I really don't know but I am curious to know.

I may have exuded a sense of discomfort with myself in those various social work interviews. I did have some self-doubts regarding my capabilities due to the difference in neurology. I also wonder if my style of talking comes across as unrelatable, as I do sound like a walking textbook. I don't have 'social pragmatics'. So, my natural style of talking will make some people feel uncomfortable. This is evidenced by the blank look I get from people sometimes or when that guy who was quite activated said, 'I'm Australian and I speak Australian'. So, then I have to make an effort and think about how I can 'dumb' things down to a more 'relatable' level.

I do feel like I miss out on opportunities due to not being able to appeal to certain sides of people. For example, I was watching a younger male colleague laugh and talk about holidays and a range of other topics with one of the higher managers. The conversation just flowed. This ability to connect with that 'social-self' of others makes it easier for people to get better opportunities. I am not able to do this, as the effort I would put into doing this makes it feel quite contrived. It is contrived because I am Autistic and it's not part of how I am wired. So, I feel like I have to fight tooth and nail to get anywhere. I feel frustrated and annoyed.

I had a weird your teeth falling out of mouth dream last night. It was very slow, bloody process, and seemed to have too much flesh and teeth than a mouth could contain. I didn't feel disgusted by it. I was actually curious about the whole experience. It also doesn't feel like my stuff. hence why I wasn't that knotted up about it. Moving on.

I have been a member of FST since 2009.  I have gone through the lessons a few times now.  I am certainly not the same person I was when I first started. And I have seen quite a few people come and go and graduate over this time. I still don’t feel like I am at the point of ‘graduating’ FST, as I haven’t achieved certain lessons e.g. meeting the divine beloved. DB just doesn’t show. And I suppose that this is perfectly okay as there might be a few more things that need to fall into place first. I think it’s okay if this never happens. I wonder if some part of me feels like I am failing somehow, and there is that sense of ‘aloneness’ that keeps emerging (child me). And I do wonder what I have been speaking to all along, as I have had inner dialogue with something but it’s not my DB. So, I know I am not “alone” in that sense even if that feeling of “aloneness” exists in that other sense.  Maybe more to do with a sense of “belonging”.

I went searching through old posts (dating back to 2009). These are the issues that are ongoing or keep emerging at various points (in some form or another). I have worked at surrendering this stuff:
- General feeling of pointlessness/Not knowing what I want to do in life
- Head pains and brain fog
- Anxiety arising when doing grounding exercises. Not being able to shift a sense of 'dread in my gut'.
- Control Dramas
- Being a troll (that pokes other people). I actually have a sense of glee at poking other people but freak out when stuff gets directed back my way energetically. So, I have cut back on it because it did lead to being overwhelmed (high anxiety) and a waste of time/energy.
- Operating on a different wavelength to others. Feeling of general disconnection/lack of belonging.
- Jabbing pain in skull and gut. Scratching sensation in the throat. So, really strong physical sensations.
- Perfectionism/Insecurity/Self-Criticism
- A sense of 'aloneness' separate to the sense of 'belonging'
- Competitiveness

Dear Blossom,
Thanks for sharing. Advance apologies about the long response.

One of my ex has Asperger's. When we started dating, I did not know this because he did not tell me. I am very affectionate with my loved ones and like to express myself through words and actions. I am most miserable when I cannot express my love and happy when I take care of my loved ones. After the first few weeks, I got really annoyed and angry at him. We would have moments of wonderful intimacy and great conversations. And then he would just be aloof, non responsive to my affection, and act as if I don't exist at all. This confused me a lot because when we had moments of intimacy, it was truly wonderful. We had a huge fight and he told me that he has Asperger's. I read up online about it and thought to myself 'How the hell is this going to work? I *have* to express my affection to be happy and he has trouble reading body language, social cues, and expressing affection.' We continued seeing each other but it made him feel like he's not giving enough and made me feel guilty that I was expecting too much out of him.

One night I was feeling very low and felt lonely. He came over and laid down next to me. We had a conversation about feeling lonely. At that moment, he was the most comforting and loving presence for me because it felt like he understood the pain and solitude because of his Asperger's. This incident completely changed my attitude towards him. I could not see him as 'poor Asperger's kid' but instead saw him as a brave and unique individual who loved me plenty in his own way. It made me re-calibrate my expectations and approach to my relationship with him. We became very close after that. We still had moments of frustration and misunderstandings. Both of us had to make conscious changes to how we spoke with and understood each other. We loved each other and still are good friends.

Some of the stuff you mention in your posts (esp about having difficulty in social situations and feeling frustrated about it) resonated with my past experiences. Not saying that you both are the same. My ex helped me understand a lot of things about my own loneliness in a way that made it okay for me to be who I am irrespective of what others thought of me. I helped him navigate and understand social situations that terrified him.  When he was low in energy, he would simply withdraw because he felt no one understands him and all his efforts to communicate actually made the problem worse. When he was high in energy, he would relentlessly argue and fight back till the other person backed down (and still end up feeling lonely and misunderstood). Sometimes I would feel like he made it very difficult for others to love him even though I knew through experience that he is a loving and lovable person.

QuoteI don't know why I get caught up in the whole: "I must do something to help in some way i.e. alleviate the hurt". It certainly doesn't give me a buzz for a job well done if I do help others.

There are lots of reasons - some good, some not. If you're a decent human being, you want to help when you see others suffering. If you didn't do that, then you would be a sociopath. It's not just about being nice but is built into our DNA as social animals. The biggest strength of our species is that we can work with each other - one can be a pilot, one can be a doctor, one can be a teacher, etc... so that a single person does not have to do everything. We have split atoms, transplanted hearts, and traveled into outer space because we are social animals. So it's not a bad thing that you want to help. However, the way you act upon your intentions does make a difference.

Walking around thinking everyone else needs your help to be enlightened or to be happy is very arrogant. You cannot help someone who has not asked for help, no matter how good your intentions are. It would feel like a violation to them if you tried to help because it is actually a violation. It's like breaking-in to someone's home to remove their garbage. You may think that it is garbage and that you're helping them by removing their garbage. But they didn't invite you and you're breaking-in to take what's not yours - even if it is garbage. You don't get the buzz of helping others because you actually haven't helped others when you break-in without invitation. Next time you have the urge to help alleviate hurt, ask yourself 'Is *my* home clean?'. Do you have things that could be improved in your own life? If yes, then you can make the world a better place by helping yourself first. The best gift you can give to the world is being authentically happy.

I am not suggesting that you stop caring about people. When someone asks for help, please do help. That part of you is wonderful and kind. But as Mystress has pointed out several times, being savior for others is just clever ego refusing to give up control of being the doer. Assuming that you know what's better for another person even though they have not asked for help is also an escapist myth. It based on the false belief that your happiness depends on other people - fixing others as an avoidance mechanism. It's like when I want to procrastinate something, I will go looking for stuff to do so that I can avoid doing what I am supposed to do. I procrastinate because of my own anxiety about facing my task. It is easy to legitimate my avoidance behavior - the bath tub has to be scrubbed right now, I have to organize these old newspapers, etc... Next time you rush to help someone else or set things right in a FB discussion, ask yourself 'What am I trying to avoid?'

Quote
I also wonder if my style of talking comes across as unrelatable, as I do sound like a walking textbook.

My ex spoke like this too. Initially, I was offended because I felt like he was lecturing me about everything as if I was a child. On the one hand, I was attracted to him because he spoke intelligently and had interesting things to say. On the other hand, I felt like he won't shut up and *had* to have a say about everything. When I told him that he can come across as a 'condescending know-it-all', he was genuinely surprised. He said he thought of himself as someone who wants to learn from others and eager to share what he knows. I had to explain to him that not everyone wants to discuss things the way he does or has the same passion.

We also had a conversation about our childhood and how that shaped the way we think and talk. Both of us had similar experiences of having our opinions and feelings dismissed as irrelevant, made to question our own experiences, and had adult family members who made every conversation a debate/argument to be won. So when we spoke as adults, we spoke with an underlying anxiety of having to prove that we had to say was important and relevant. We both were terrified of being misunderstood because we both have had lots of past experiences where our words had been used against us. So when we spoke, we were trying to get perfect sentences that cannot be misinterpreted by the other person.

In my late twenties, I found wonderful friends who helped me understand my own anxieties and behavior. It took me a few years to unlearn a lot of my bad communication habits and I did it with the help of kind and honest friends. They helped me realize that having misunderstandings during conversations is not the end of the world. No one is going to persecute me for saying an incoherent sentence. At best, people will ask for more explanation if they cared about it. Most of the time, people are busy inside their own heads to pay attention to my mistakes. I am still conscious about how I express my emotions but I don't let it stop me from saying things I want to. I have learned to trust that the other person will not immediately dismiss me as irrelevant. The other person does not have to understand me *exactly* as I want them to in order for us to have a lovely and fruitful conversation. My friends taught me this through experience.

We all have things we can improve upon. It's good that you're reflecting upon your own experiences and figuring out what you want for yourself. Being considerate of other people and learning to communicate better is a good thing. But also keep in mind that you need to be true to who you are. There is no universally approved one 'correct' way of human communication. So please do not beat yourself up about not being a good communicator (I am saying this because my ex used to be really harsh on himself when he felt low). You're wired differently and so is everyone else.

Communication is a two way street. People get good at communication through practice. Sure... it's more difficult for some than others but nonetheless communication is a learned practice and not an innate talent. It's like flirting or learning to ride a bicycle. Everyone sucks when they do it first few times. Some have to practice harder than others. We all have unique strengths and limitations. I guess what I am trying to say is you don't have to change yourself in order to fit into another person's expectations about how to communicate. By all means, work on improving things what you want to change but not just to fit-in. In the words of Rita Mae Brown, "The reward for conformity is that everyone likes you but yourself."

QuoteOne thing you do keep repeating to me is "Don't be too hard on yourself" - I really honestly don't know how not to be. I can't seem to drop the perfectionism.

When we are children, we get punished for doing things 'wrong' and rewarded when we do things 'right'. Many times parents use 'with holding love' as a mechanism to discipline children. So we learn as children very early in our life that if we do the 'right' things, then we will be loved. Getting good grades is not just about getting good grades or learning but more importantly about earning the approval of our parents and teachers (authority figures who have the power to with hold love and punish us). Most adult workaholics have this belief at the root. If I work really hard and surpass everyone's expectations, then there will be no reason for others to not love me. It's sort of beating others to the punch - I am not going to give you the option of not loving me by being perfect. If I am perfect and do everything perfect, then other's will have no reason to not love me.

Being a perfectionist myself, I understand the pain and dilemma. Sadly, perfectionism never makes us truly happy. In reality, perfectionists are always afraid of what others will think about us and therefore never give ourselves the opportunity to experiment, explore, and grow. The worst thing you can do to your own self-growth is be a perfectionist. Only dead things can be perfect. Growing things are by definition imperfect. Perfectionists are unhappy with themselves and with everything else in the world. I am not good enough and others are not good enough according to my own perfectionist standards. There is a difference between wanting to improve yourself and wanting to be perfect. Perfectionism, at its root, is based on fear - fear of making mistakes, fear of making a fool of ourselves in front of others, and fear of being 'not enough' to be loved as we are in the moment.

Perfectionism is also full of vanity and ego. My shit stinks - just like everyone else's. There is humility in accepting I am loved as I am (warts and all) - even though I may not believe that I am worthy of love based on my own perfectionist standards. Perfectionism is sad because it's a self-imposed love starvation - I have to wait till I get perfect in order to enjoy life, allow myself to feel good about myself, and accept other's love. In many ways, other people's generosity and kindness shattered my perfectionism myth. I still have to consciously do things to remind myself that I am imperfect and that's okay. I can honestly say I am happier when I let go of my perfectionism. When my perfectionism kicks-in, I ask myself 'What are you anxious about?' It helps me see what I want to control - other people's perception of me.

In that past, I used to read a list of 'Daily affirmations' everyday first thing in the morning when I woke up. The first affirmation is about perfectionism and is adapted from Pete Walker's book on CPTSD. I am sharing it here because it helped me. Please use it as you see fit.
"Perfectionism is a self-persecutory myth. I do not have to be perfect in order to be safe or loved. I am letting go of relationships that require perfection. I have a right to make mistakes. Mistakes do not make me a mistake. Every mistake is an opportunity to practice loving myself."

Hope some of this was helpful.
Namaste!
Gopi

Thanks for sharing Gopi!  :)

Individuals with Asperger’s/Autism can very much be perceived the way you described â€" hot one minute and cold the next. It takes a lot of energy to sustain what doesn’t come naturally. One person even started a blog called ‘Heartless Asperger’s’ because she was not able to move beyond what she perceived to be a ‘deception’ from a boyfriend she had. And that the world should be warned about how horrible we are.

I think you’re misunderstanding me when I say, “I get caught up in the whole: I must do something to help in some way…”. I am speaking more about an urge which I then squash. I am trying to ask myself about a time when I last helped someone without consent and nothing presently comes to mind.  In my current job, there are many people with trauma issues. My role is not to work directly with that trauma, however, people do not check their trauma at the door when they come to see me for help with their practical issues. I gave an example in a previous post of a man who came in already outside of his threshold of tolerance and on the attack. I couldn’t help him with his practical issues because he was too caught up in his stuff, so he spent 10-15 minutes venting at me. I simply listened. His practical problem was an easy fix, but I could not help him with it. He ended up leaving after offloading his crap. I recognised that I had an urge to utilise some counselling strategies but stopped myself because that is not my job.  I think I said that he dumped something on me which I felt accumulate around my head, but that cleared quite easy. I would imagine that if I had stolen it the energy would have gotten stuck. I actually felt quite at ease after the exhange even when others kept asking me if I was okay, and needed to 'debrief'.

In the FB posts, I generally respond to opinion posts (e.g. what are your thoughts about apple strudels?) not advice seeking posts (e.g. can you help me fix this problem?). My problem is that when I offer my opinion someone is always ready to go on the attack because they weren’t after peoples opinions in the first instance. They poke the bear - me. So, when I am responding to someone it is because I have perceived an attack. I am going on the defense and my urge is to bite the other persons head off. And then I am self-critical and bash myself up for it (i.e. for lashing out at others).  Maybe there is a bit of a matyr thing going on there (i.e. I don't think I have the right to defend myself), I don't know. As I said to Mystress, I have stepped away from such posts. I like to have intellectual arguments, but I don’t like the attack sent my way (energetically) when I stir things up in other people. It is why I asked if the vortex could eat projectiles (energetic darts) sent my way in the vampire thread. So, I generally don’t engage with a lot of people outside of work. Even at work, I get projectiles sent my way when I give people news they don’t want to hear. I have a lot of this type of news to give. This hasn’t been a problem lately because it’s “snack food”.

The lack of buzz was about my experience working in 1:1 mental health (a job I left well over a year ago â€" I have a habit of referring to things from different points in time as though they were happening now â€" I suppose in my mind it is happening now). It wasn’t within my job description to be a “psychologist” or a “counselor” yet that is what people expected from me. My role was more case-management and practical skills development. It was both draining and frustrating working in that role when other people kept expecting something from me I could not give them. So, the lack of buzz isn’t from stealing another person’s stuff.

My perfectionism stems from a strategy to avoid being attacked. My parents just punished - they did not offer any rewards or encouragement for good behaviour. As a child, no-one really had my back, and no one taught me how to be assertive. I had to make do with my body’s responses to being attacked. It created a protective armouring to defend me. I strive to be perfect in some areas of my life to avoid getting in trouble or to avoid getting attacked. If I slip up at work, I am open to being attacked.  Vulnerable. There is something major that gets set off in my belly when I feel threatened i.e. an overwhelming anxiety and a need to lash out physically or verbally. A rage. It is simply an old protective mechanism. I think Mystress addressed this or some other protective mechanism (same area in the belly), again in the Vampire thread, when she said that she didn’t mean to ‘shut me down’ when responding to a post I made. In the past, those hard-lined responses would shut me down OR rile me up like a volcano!

I have been pursuing massage again recently to try to soften the defensive posturing and to soften my fascia. It is why I have been saying that messages have been very painful for me because my body has probably become quite stone-like. It needs to be softened like dough.

I was just thinking about Gratitude. It's something that has popped in and out of my mind all day.

I sometimes find it challenging to say thank you (there is an edge of resentment mixed in). Maybe my idea of thankfulness has become quite limited or tainted over time i.e. you have to verbally tell people that you appreciate their efforts. I was chopped into a lot growing up and even in early adulthood (by those outside my family) when I didn't say 'Thank You!'.

I remember in my early 20s my sister's ex-boyfriend had a go at me after dinner when I didn't immediately say Thank you! to his mother when dinner was served. I was more used to saying thank you when leaving someone's place... e.g. general appreciation for the hospitality. I guess, what was triggered in me, was that I was a bad person for not saying thank you after every little action that someone else did.

Like, people are owed thanks or a pat on the back for their efforts, and that there is something wrong with me for not acknowledging it.

I can't say people have always said thank you to me for things that I have done. So, resentment grew from contradictory messages. I twisted myself into a knot about the idea of 'gratitude'.

What are the subtle ways appreciation can be shown?

I am reminded of the people who work in 'thankless jobs'.  People sometimes say, "this is a 'thankless' job".

Does the universe actually smile at you?

When someone is genuinely thankful you know it (sometimes they may not express so in words). And I guess if you're expecting an expression of thanks (i.e. you feel owed thanks), then there is a need to examine the motivations behind that.

I am going to sit with the idea of being "attacked" (i.e. the victim). It does have a negative connotation to it e.g. people are intentionally doing something to me. They don't like me. The universe is doing this to me. They are out to get me...They are sending me their baggage because they hate me... Poor powerless me...It goes on...

I ask myself where does this stuff originate from and my mother pops into my mind. It could actually be more than that - I suppose it will unravel more given space.

I also get twisted up around the idea of what I have constructed "boundaries" to mean. The vortex doesn't want any boundaries or defenses.

Last thought for today, I also seem to have issues with the concept of "gifts". I associate gifts with celebrations.

Growing up and even now, my family doesn't really celebrate i.e. anniversaries, birthdays, promotions, graduations, Christmas, family reunions etc.

I think the overall perception towards gifts is a general feeling of disappointment.  Stuff I don't get to experience or being gifted stuff I didn't actually want. So, how can I accept the stuff given to me if it disappointments me (i.e. not a reward)?

The concept of snacks is easier to digest. I like snacks.

It is good to see how certain things land in the body (i.e. heavy, dense, light) and get a sense of the 'flavour' of it. And following that trail, you can get a sense of where it originated from and what was needed in that moment.