Hello!
I have been struggling with issues of discipline. It has become increasingly difficult for me to maintain any schedule. Sometimes I feel like I have ADD. But it is not just that I have trouble focusing on a task but it is also that I have trouble finding motivation to do so. I thought that may be it is the nature of the tasks. But I am starting to suspect that it is not the nature of the task either.
For example, sometimes I can do a task which is fairly routine and boring with much focus, attention, and motivation. Such as grading assignments (I am also a part time instructor apart from being a full time student). And then there are other times. Where I can't sit down and do the same task. It just doesn't move. It is almost like trying to swim in mud. I have tried a few things such as breaking down into small tasks, changing work environment, positive affirmations, not worrying about the big picture and focusing on the task at hand, etc. While all of these help to a certain extent, it is still very darn hard, extremely demanding of energy and motivation, and little gets accomplished. At the end of the day I feel both exhausted and disappointed.
More specifically, I don't know why it is so hard for me to maintain any kind of regular schedule. I try to stop fighting it and let it take its own course. But sometimes I feel like I need to make certain efforts and things become tricky then. For example, one of the things I have been trying to establish is to do the grounding exercise regularly for 45 days (eight times a day). I have started this a few times and every time I end up breaking it. I have prayed to Her to help me. And I am trying to 'let go' and trust Her. But I cannot help but feel that some effort and discipline is needed on my behalf as well. Depending on the day, this feeling ranges between acceptance and guilt, shame, and feeling defeated. It almost feels cyclical. ???
I feel like the grounding exercises will help me with my focus and motivation. And yet to do them I need to overcome something that I don't know what. I was so disheartened the last time I broke my schedule. I was reading pages from El Collie's 'Branded by the spirit' and then this line stood out. Collie lists misconceptions and prejudices about spirituality. She points to the common stereotype that "only those who regularly meditate, pray, or engage in devout religious practices have powerful spiritual experiences". It pointed to my own preconceived notions of what spiritual practice ought to be. And made it easier to trust Her.
I want to explicitly acknowledge that the work gets done. Somehow. It gets done. And I am learning to trust this more. And be grateful for it. But the feeling of conflict persists. There is lots of worrying, fear, shame, guilt, expectations, envy, jealousy, judgment, and sometimes outright paranoia. And I feel like I could use some help here. I have been thinking about booking a private consultation with Mystress. But it is mentioned that students should "Complete at least the first 20 lessons @ one per week, first to get maximum benefit". And the problem I am having is about moving forward with the lessons and grounding practice. This makes me I feel like I am in a deadlock position. And I don't know what to do. I am doing my best to be patient and to trust. There is frustration along with a sense of 'don't care'. The 'don't care' is actually nice. But social contracts and day-to-day activities require me to act with care. I really like the detachment. But am struggling to 'chop wood and carry water' with detachment.
Any tips, pointers, and/or suggestions would be most welcome and appreciated!
Namaste!
Hi,
For me it seems that you could take it slower. And remove the mindset of struggle or forced concentration from the grounding. I mean grounding and whole of FST is very unlike traditional yogas for mass consumption. As ego has this mentality of struggle, especially against an “opponent†and getting things done. And moving that same mindset to spiritual practice would really not help too much. Ego would get different toys, new set of goals and self identity. Old habits would reaper even more veiled. In maybe more ennobled coat.
The lack of motivation can have many causes. Mostly it is about the ego loosening up and fear based motivational tricks not working as before. So the lack on motivation or even the true lack of ability to get things done. Is very disconcerting for the ego. The whole idea that ego is in control is cracked. That ego is the controlling element of your life is slowly revealed to be illusion. Later also the insisting of ego that ego is or must be the controlling element of your spiritual path will be shown as illusion too. Ego naturally doesn't like it, but it is the later struggling against what is that creates the suffering. There are things that can be done to improve motivation but there is no hope to expect things to work as before. You can surrender blockages and check regularly for overload.
So to compliment the quote of El Collie, I would add that not only it hints at the fact that one doesn't need to torture this pure and innocent friend, our body, with its big watery eyes looking at us completely defenseless and with pure love for us to have spiritual growth. But it hints even deeper.
That habitually we think that we can torture our way to enlightenment. Isnt that like a best example of thought of an aggressive ape and hierarchy mentality, exactly of that ape that one wants to face to and emancipate? How we can emancipate beyond, if if we just replicate the same pattern in new coat? Of finding a new “opponent†that is “evil†one which we have to beat to submission until it doesn't protest anymore. And then be very proud of that accomplishment.
So if you struggle to win over an “opponentâ€or trying to whip a guy into enlightenment. Dont worry. It is as it is. You can relax and do it slower. More important is to enjoy it.
Love,
Duu
Hi Gopi!
I went through something very similar.
It was like I was trying to make my life work from old scaffolding, if that makes sense - the scaffolding of a limited self, built upon old premises. I 'tried' to rebuild it by changing within. Great for learning lessons about judgment, rebuilding of a healthier self, learning with Goddess...Physically and spiritually uncomfortable. I found out I had alot of hidden agendas and judgments about myself and others - specifically what I 'thought' becoming spiritual was about or what it should 'accomplish'.
I was pretty much forced to stop 'trying' and into 'being'. Goddess must really like the sassy ones, because I feel like I went kicking and screaming. The scaffolding falls and you are safe in Goddess's arms. It reminds me of how Mystress speaks about 'dying to oneself' in order to fully manifest, higher self and in full power. This dying to self... I lost alot of 'things'. I was forced to surrender everything. My job title (I work as a creative copywriter, I love to elevate art with beautiful text), almost my entire job, because the self loves to associate itself with work, my self just got all up in there trying to get a very limited and graspy ownership of it all. I literally went to work and could not focus. Could not. Got fired. Goddess is hip to my shit, and thank god, though at the time it felt like a nightmare. I had to accept she has better plans for me. Some days are easier than others, but I was left with no choice. Feisty.
Thank you for your posts Gopi and Duu!