I'm still hiding out..:) Feeling better, but I know my body wants a couple more days off from magical work.
I noticed it has been quiet here, and I wanted to remind you all that it is OK to write to each other! I like it when the students support each other.
Sean: Lovely story. :) When you have surrendered a lot of stuff, you also have to give the holes where the stuff used to be to Goddess, so She can move in. :) Ask that She fill them with Her light and grace. Otherwise you will feel "empty", and might attract something else to move in... As it is you were drawn to do something similar anyhow. Goddess has it handled!
Don't persuade yourself that releasing the old stuff must be hard work... Goddess has shown you otherwise. With surrender comes miracles.
Leslee: Fear interrupts groundedness, and Goddess won't speak to you unless you are grounded. It says this very clearly in the grounding ritual itself, in the instructions on speaking to the heart in the version that is on domin8rex.com. Sometimes you seem to miss stuff like that... this is the third time I can think of. Ask within, to find out what that is about. I have some ideas, but I want you to look within.
My job is not to be Goddess for you, but to teach you to surrender to Goddess within yourself. Taking responsibility for your power is also about giving responsibility *to* your power... putting Goddess within yourself, first. So, when you have questions, I want you to ask Goddess within yourself for the answers. If the answers still do not come, when you have spent a few days looking to find them within yourself, and following where She leads you, then ask me. You already know that half the time when you ask me something, Goddess tells you the answer before I do... trust that!
You are probably not aware of this, but on a spiritual level you keep handing me your power and I keep handing it back, like a game of hot potato. I wonder what else you give your power away to?
Learn to stay grounded all the time, so that you can walk in grace and Goddess holds your hand. Surrender anything that gets in the way of being grounded. Your K. is fiery.. fun, eh? It will balance itself in time, as you continue to surrender.
Blessings...
I do the grounding ritual 20+ times a day, Mystress. I know that the lessons say grounding is paramount. But this gut-wrenching knot in my solar plexus is not going away. Even when I feel the light from the sun and earth co-mingling inside my body, I still have a totally intense solar-plexus knot ripping at my being. I feel this even when I actually envision myself to be a luminous oval of light, attached to an eternal thread of light. So, in essence, all the grounding in the world isn't grounding me all the way right now. Something is definitely NOT letting go. Surrender is what I want, but it's still scary. I've done entity clearings but I don't know what exactly I'm trying to clear. I've been asking this knot what it wants to tell me, but it's not ready to say anything apparently. So, I go on... I'll be OK, I know, but like you say, it's nice to converse with people who've been there.
I cried for a long time yesterday and three big fears came out of it (fear of scarcity, fear of not belonging anywhere, and fear of being alone). There are more apparently. I'm going inside so often now, but the voices are not often reliable so I'm having a hard time trusting myself and the voices.
: My job is not to be Goddess for you, but to teach you to surrender to Goddess within yourself.
It's hard to surrender to something that I don't feel is there for me. I don't feel powerful. I don't feel unconditional love no matter how often I ground. I feel like nothing, nobody, nowhere right now.
: You are probably not aware of this, but on a spiritual level you keep handing me your power and I keep handing it back, like a game of hot potato.
I've been turning to you because I'm scared and I've been praying for a long time for a teacher. I've been trying to do what you say.
Now that I've shrunk my boundary I feel smaller, if that's possible. But I'm sitting with the feelings. It's not easy to not want attention, but I've been making myself pretty invisible when around people. I'm not feeling better yet for it, but it is nice not to feel outher people's feelings. I've wanted to lash out in anger at my smallness, at anybody, often, but I haven't done so. I started smoking again...
You're right... I should sit with my feelings for at least a few days before I burden you with my "crap." I'll do that. I have been sitting with all this for five days now.
Love...
:But this gut-wrenching knot in my solar plexus is not going away. Even when I feel the light from the sun and earth co-mingling inside my body, I still have a totally intense solar-plexus knot ripping at my being.
I know. I feel it when I write to you. Yucky! :) Thank you Goddess. :) Smile and breathe. Why let it wreck your day? :) Don't give it that kind of power.
:I feel this even when I actually envision myself to be a luminous oval of light, attached to an eternal thread of light. So, in essence, all the grounding in the world isn't grounding me all the way right now. Something is definitely NOT letting go. Surrender is what I want, but it's still scary. I've done entity clearings but I don't know what exactly I'm trying to clear. I've been asking this knot what it wants to tell me, but it's not ready to say anything apparently. So, I go on... I'll be OK, I know, but like you say, it's nice to converse with people who've been there.
Yep.. :) the knot is fear, my dear! you have located three of its names, already. it is speaking to tell you what it is. Fear is not faith, and only you can choose.
You see, when we were hunters and gatherers, our fears kept us safe, away from stuff that would harm us... so those systems are well embedded in the body, but... your body does not know the difference between an imaginary lion and a real lion. So we can watch a scary movie, or have a scary thought, and the body responds with the adrenaline, etc.
One thing you can do something about, is what you focus on, what you give your attention to. Think happy thoughts! Sure, the fearful thoughts will interrupt the happy ones, surrender them and go back to thinking of something nice. Don't give your power away to the fearful thoughts, they don't own your head! You do!
So surrender them, you can even tell them "thank you for sharing", because they really are trying to help keep you safe... then they will feel heard and quit repeating themselves. They are trying to do a job that you asked them to do, because you believed the world is dangerous. Every time they come up, they are asking you if you still want to hold onto that belief, and giving you a choice to choose a different thought.
: I cried for a long time yesterday and three big fears came out of it (fear of scarcity, fear of not belonging anywhere, and fear of being alone). There are more apparently. I'm going inside so often now, but the voices are not often reliable so I'm having a hard time trusting myself and the voices.
Then do an entity clearing on all the voices you hear, till there is only the heart.
: : My job is not to be Goddess for you, but to teach you to surrender to Goddess within yourself.
: It's hard to surrender to something that I don't feel is there for me. I don't feel powerful. I don't feel unconditional love no matter how often I ground. I feel like nothing, nobody, nowhere right now.
Perfect!!! Finally, you are getting it!! Yahooo!! Goddess is nothing, and unconditional love feels like nothing. Void. No conditions. Peaceful tho, eh? ;) To just Be.
When you see me at work and think me very powerful??? I am not there, I do not exist and I am totally unaware of myself and often forget I even have a body. That is why the body gets brnout, if I do not honor it when it says it is too tired. Tired is a something...
Nothingness is the state from which I do my work. I am Goddess and Goddess provides, and there is no person you call Angelique. That is why I am good, because I know how to be nothing. When you are nothing, there is nothing for empathy to stick on in the same way either.
Talk about getting out of your own way... totally. If you are really nothing, then you have nothing to complain about. Beep! Enlightenment.
: : You are probably not aware of this, but on a spiritual level you keep handing me your power and I keep handing it back, like a game of hot potato.
: I've been turning to you because I'm scared and I've been praying for a long time for a teacher. I've been trying to do what you say.
I know. Just giving you some feedback.
: Now that I've shrunk my boundary I feel smaller, if that's possible.
So what? So be small... what is wrong with that?
: But I'm sitting with the feelings.
Good. They are just feelings, they come and go. You remain. Even if you are nothing.
: You're right... I should sit with my feelings for at least a few days before I burden you with my "crap." I'll do that. I have been sitting with all this for five days now.
Heh.. I just sorted out some stuff I have been working on for about 4 years. So... it comes when it comes. Relax. Enjoy your life.
Blessings...
: Love...
Bless you for your help.
: Thank you Mystress, for answering me. I thought something was wrong with me because this is all so strange. I will do as you suggest.
: Bless you for your help.