Hi:)
I have a feeling that a lot of my oversensitivities have come from being sexually abused a few years ago, which was a very traumatic experience, where I was almost sure the person would actually kill me.
I feel that my womb energeticly has tears in it, the image I've gotten up was as if it had been stabbed by knives. I feel it very closely related to the organ itself, and I feel rather detached from it emotionally. I also feel it related to the 2 chakra and that it has damaged my sexuality in ways I don't understand fully. I also some time later had an entity that I felt draining on my sexual energy. I also felt like the organ, my womb, energeticly wasn't present anymore and sort of hanging outside of my body. Like it was rejected or it rejected itself, don't really know.
I think that I've spent a great deal of time of the recovery process, denying the emotional pain from it.
After I'd been attacked by this man, I feel like it made me strech my senses to be able to sense it if other possible danger was near etc. And I want to reverse that because I feel my senses are simply too strong that I don't feel like I can really function properly with them. And it's propably also causing a whole lot of the unwanted empathy I'm getting too. And I feel like it also created these control issues of the power chakra I have now. I was already awakened spiritually, had been on and off since I was little, so this whole thing also made me sort of loose faith in Goddess/the Universe. The time after this happened was also a time of premonitions, there were a lot of men doing these things in the town I lived in a the time. Before me there were a lot these things happening, and there were a lot after me. Which I then because of these extremely streched senses, got intuitive insights on/tuned into when it happened to someone else, which also was very emotionally hard for me. And I would cry hystericly. I even wondered if I should call the cops on it to prevent it, but I didn't take my feelings/intuition to be right and eventially let go. But found out later that what I had sensed was true.
I broke out of a lot of the stuff, moved to another city, tried to start afresh. And even here, I got premonitions two times. Even one that included familymembers, which became touch on all of us and the relations between my familymembers. And I also picked up on stuff with some of my family members that they've never told me about.
But there was one time I didn't get a premonition, I was visiting my sister in the city I lived in back then, and I had a meeting with my loyer because of the case being closed from lack of evidence etc. And I also was going to pick up the clothes that the police had, and they callled me in for a meeting and wanted to let me know that it had happened again to someone. It was a shock because it hadn't happened in a while and it and just a few blocks away from my sister's place.
Anyway, I've found peace with the stuff that happened to me, but I still feel like there are scars in my energy body from this that I want to heal...
I'm noticing a lot of runnaway-symptoms in my body now as I write this... Don't feel like I'm able to write any more on this right now, so I'll end it here.
I've also registered for a healing session with Mystress, and I'm looking forward to that, maybe that can help with some of it:)
Comment if any one has any tips or advices etc...
i read your post and you have my sympathy,
i hope you recover,
Do you think reliving this experience is helping you recover, or is it making you relive the trauma, and re traumatizing you ?
i see you have done a lot of posting, mostly i don't respond, because you say spiritally
and the upper chackras are not very open
it does seem from the dreaming i awoke from in the middle of night that lower chackras are open and healthy
Love, ant
I surrendered the entire thing up to Goddess, and she seem to have brought a lot of healing on this issue, so I don't think there's much stuff left from this. It's more like an integrated experience... And I'm okay with that :)
Yeah, the memories are still there, but the emotional stuff from it seem to have dissappeared through karma clearing:) Allthough I'm kinda good at empathizing with feelings and stuff from the past, but I try to steer away from doing that:P
I was lucky to get really good theraphists, and especially family constellations have helped me. Got a constellation where the energetic bond (aka-cord) between me and the person was brought to light, so we could resolve the situation at a higher level. Giving back what the person "took" from me and giving back stuff I took upon me for him (or that he projected on me). It was an interesting dynamic to witness.
"Do you think reliving this experience is helping you recover, or is it making you relive the trauma, and re traumatizing you ?"
I don't know, it's been a long time since it has entered my conciousness, all I know is that I've really changed... Don't have that post traumatic stress and oversensitivities anymore, it's kind of like it's gone from my being..? But thank you for bringing this up, I'll do some work on finding out whether there's still stuff here to be resolved.
What I do know is that I have become better at defending my body's boundaries, which seem to me to be a good thing. I've learned a lot about the dynamics of instincts. And bodily signals of yes/no to things or situations. And also with how well the body remembers.
"i see you have done a lot of posting, mostly i don't respond, because you say spiritally
and the upper chackras are not very open"
I'm not sure what you meant with this line?
"it does seem from the dreaming i awoke from in the middle of night that lower chackras are open and healthy"
Are you talking about me or you?:P
Thanks for your comment!
Love from Twin
i mean you seem to open in upper chakras, and seems i am not as open
the statement about lower chakras, was about me, i was awakened
early that morning from a very sexually charged dream
best wishes, ant
Yeah I'm very open in my upper chakras, and I have to focus a lot on the lower one's to stay grounded :P
Okay, that sounds good:)
Best wishes back!
Woow, I'm really slow:P
Your post on this subject must be the third synchronicity, it took me about three weeks to draw the connection to why I got such a strong reaction to some guy.
And Goddess really required me to be present or the pages here wouldn't load, and I couldn't post.
For three weeks my unconcious has been trying to get the message through which was that I saw the guy at a bar. I'm really slow, but it's been so far back in my head :P
And suddenly it became so clear.
Apparently Goddess wanted me to know through all this, so thank you, and I surrender the entire thing to You, and I'll just see what becomes.
Quote from: TwinDragon on Jul 11, 2011, 09:43:36 PM
Woow, I'm really slow:P
And Goddess really required me to be present or the pages here wouldn't load, and I couldn't post.
Yes. While any website or internet connection can have issues, this site also has a protective nature "To each according to their need and ability to recieve, and not more than they can handle" that sometimes blocks access mysteriously to people who are not grounded, until they get grounded. It belongs to Goddess and She will even use 404 timeouts as part of the training. Quote from: TwinDragon on Jul 11, 2011, 09:43:36 PM
I was lucky to get really good theraphists, and especially family constellations have helped me. Got a constellation where the energetic bond (aka-cord) between me and the person was brought to light, so we could resolve the situation at a higher level. Giving back what the person "took" from me and giving back stuff I took upon me for him (or that he projected on me). It was an interesting dynamic to witness..
The spiritual version of that therapy is the Higher Self Negotiation process. http://kundalini-teacher.com/karma/hself.php (http://kundalini-teacher.com/karma/hself.php)
"Yes. While any website or internet connection can have issues, this site also has a protective nature "To each according to their need and ability to recieve, and not more than they can handle" that sometimes blocks access mysteriously to people who are not grounded, until they get grounded. It belongs to Goddess and She will even use 404 timeouts as part of the training. "
That happened to me sometimes, I just saw it as stuff on the forum that I wasn't supposed to know/read yet or deal with for some reason. When I read some previous posts the posts were blank.
It was very difficoult to stay grounded while dealing with the subject on this post, as if thinking about it or him ungrounds me. It's as if my power chakra closes or shuts down, and my throat gets repressed. I unconciously recognized him being around me and got sick so I thought I was going to throw up. When I walked by him protective energy encompassed me, (propably so that he wouldn't recognize me) and when I was a few blocks away from where he was the nausea was mysteriously gone and I felt fine.
It just took me three weeks to finally draw the connection, to why I had felt so sick around him, so as to wanna run away. I think that my guides was trying to help me remember, and unblocking stuff.
"The spiritual version of that therapy is the Higher Self Negotiation process. "
I've read it :) I've found that really interresting as it puts to light some of the dynamics that's usually unconcious.
Thanks for commenting!
For something I have been unable to share with unawakened people, I need to get some stuff off my chest. Surrendering to Goddess, as I write...
I was already awakened spiritually, and to both a high sensitivity and empathy, before this guy attacked and raped me. As I have written before I had a constellation (I travelled to Egypt where my theraphist had a hotell where they were working on familyconstellations, practicing grounding, meditation, clairvoyance etc) where stuff showed up intuitively. His higher self showed up as someone very weak, who didn't have the energy to stand up or move at all (he just sat there and seemed like he didn't really understand what he had done, or he was messed up with too much karma or something). I got a feeling that this guy didn't have a very good connection to his higher self.
As I faced him (the person representing him in the constellation) I suddenly had the reaction to wanna jump out the window and escape the situation, but I moved past that, and didn't understand why I even got that reaction. I felt a bit of annoyance towards me feeling that way too. Like a part of me wanted to run away and a part of me didn't.
(Now that I think about it, this feels very similar to how I felt when I saw him at the bar some time ago, but it took me a while to get it to my conciousness that it was him. I had recognized his energy. The runnaway part still sticks with me...)
So I sat down beside him, (we both had pillows that were representing stuff that belonged to the other) and gave them back to eachother. I had another one (don't know what it was representing) and I was told by my the theraphist to give it to him, saying "this is something can I give to you, I already have it integrated within me so I don't need it anymore". So I gave him the pillow.
Then, to my right a person representing fear came in, and I felt a pull towards him. I said to him: "I don't need you anymore, thank you for your teachings" or something similar. Then another guy at my back who represented love came into the picture.
In the constellation I still felt that I had an "agreement" or bond with this representative of fear, but I felt love and I really wanted to go to him instead.
Later I was given a candle holder with a candle light in it, flickering a lot. I got a happy feeling. My theraphist told me this was my gift from the universe (but it was also my own inner power somehow), and this was something I could use to get better and over what happened etc. The guy representing Love told me that it was like magic and seemed a little puzzled... I sat with the candle for a while.
Then the constellation ended as the roles didn't have anymore to do.
(In those constellations there is a policy that we can't talk about other people's constellations, but since this is my own I can share it, so I decided to do that here...)
As I'm writing I feel pains in my chest and some sorrow. And I get teary eyes. I think I still have some stuff left in me from all this... Makes me feel kind of heavy...
Goddess it's all yours!
I still feel there's a part of me that is angry at him. I forgave him on one level when I saw how his higher self appeared, but there's still an irritation since my life was starting to go really well, and then that happened, that created a lot of junk stuff in me afterwards. For example I have been unable to work (been through post traumatic stress, been through a lot of not wanting to go out, be seen for the fear that I would run into him, that he would recognize me and a lot of bodily stuff that I don't really understand etc) for so long and since it's been so long, it's hard for me to get back.
Pfeew.. Goddess this is all yours, a gift for you.
Just posting as it comes up. Still surrendering to Goddess...
I guess a part of the anger/frustration etc came from that the stuff happened in the first place and for the entire situation. And also because it didn't only affect me, it affected my friends and family as well. Things got all weird between me and some of my friends and family members after that happened. Like things weren't the same, and communications became tense. I also feel imbarrassement for that it happened.
I also remember when I had a theraphy session with another of my theraphists (Thought field therapy) she said to locate and feel what feeling I got when thinking about it, and all I got was a really closed up/repressed solar plexus, and I saw that it was black... Instead of yellow as is the normal colour for that chakra... This is the feeling I still get when thinking about it and him.
I'm just sharing as a way to try and release the stuff. If anyone wants to comment that's fine with me....:)
Goddess this too, is all yours.
"And also because it didn't only affect me, it affected my friends and family as well. Things got all weird between me and some of my friends and family members after that happened. Like things weren't the same, and communications became tense."
This applies especially to my ex (also a kundalite) who is a very masculine protecting type of those he love, as he started blaming himself for not being able to protect me from such a thing happening... He spent a year or so getting over that anger, guilt, sadness etc. We had already broken up between four or five months before it happened, but there was still a deep love and friendship afterwards. (just not the romantic type anymore) This also got a bit hard for me to deal with, as I felt empathy towards his reaction and feelings. (We had a very strong bond) The entire situation just sucked. I also got a more tense relation with those I'm closest to in my family.
I realize this comes a bit in bits and pieces, but everythings doesn't come to me all at once...
Goddess this is yours too.
Other than this, I spent a lot of time mentally harrassing the guy afterwards (when I was in the state where I wanted justice and I wanted the guy to be caught) allthough I realized that it wasn't a really good idea, and regreted it, and asked for those actions to be forgiven. I realized that my thoughts and emotions could have too much power to be projected onto another being... (Together with being really grounded) But the defence mechanism of it came up automaticly a few times afterwards if I got in a strong fear and defencive state, of fight/flight reaction. This is mostly gone now though. I unwillingly used it a few times on people and saw the effects..:/
I hope Goddess is hungry, cause this is a lot of stuff. It's all yours Goddess!