I have a very logically driven mind, and for many years this was my only lens to the world. At this point, I've gotten my ego to bite its own tail, at least that's what it likes to think, and I remain vigilant. For many, many years my internal vision looked like the wall of TV's at best buy, each on a different channel competing for my attention. Now, it is down to just the judge and victim and even then they only show up a few times a day and I am quickly able to minimize them right away...where for a long time in the beginning of this journey, getting my attention centered was like trying to take a chew toy from a Rottweiler. It just didn't happen. Affirmations and invocations did not work very well with ten voices telling me how stupid I was for trying and pointing out how weak the words felt in my mouth.
I have noticed that writing does seem to expose my ego more as I do not do it very often and it seems to use another part of my mind - that and it seems tougher for all aspects of my inner viewpoint to be expressed through writing b/c it is so linear - its interesting to zone out and then re-read what I've written to catch a glimpse of what's between the lines....I've decided to write more and see what comes up...
I am very visually based. Even when I was writing programs or designing mechanical doodads all of the concepts were visual to me. I'd break large systems down into shapes in my head and once I had the right shapes, the details didn't matter - they just fell into place. The flip side to this kind of view is that it worked very well for me, for awhile, and I wound up applying it to everything in my life; my mind started seeing the whole world this way and this type of internal structure is very rigid and only good for a few kinds of things, like understanding big systems. Not so good for things like keeping addictive patterns in check as my ego would create any old structure it wanted, even if it was dysfunctional to the core, and the other part would buy into and not see any problem. As long as the puzzle was complete, it didn't matter what information it held. Crazy...
OK, what's my point? Well, for me, trying new forms of expression despite discomfort is very freeing. Going from a spherical internal view to writing simplifies things for me. Not focused on seeing every aspect of the ball of twine but simply following the thread. So does drawing whatever my hand feels like drawing - sometimes I'm surprised at what content comes through the relationship of my hand and a pencil - very telling...the more I do this stuff the more I see in myself. Breaking out of my usual comfortable patterns of expression has opened me up to myself in ways I didn't even consider before...Anyway, just sharing....
I notice that I am moving like a sine wave in my life these days. I'll have three or so days of absolute grounded bliss where everything makes sense and you couldn't knock me off balance with a crane. I feel energy coming to and through me from everywhere and everything and I feel love coming from me to all things. Then, some issues will come up and I'll surrender them and think "OK, now back to bliss" but no. The dip occurs and then its two or three days of my ego trying desperately to figure what is happening and I struggle to get grounded - nothing but questions leading to questions until I'll start to feel self-destructive patterns (old addictions) wanting to come on - then the upswing sets in. Its so surreal going from total understanding to being lost back into understanding, over and over again.
Does this sound like an unbalanced awakening to anyone?
Not unbalanced, kinda normal actually.
Kundalini is like a sine wave, or biorhythm. The good days when energy is flowing trigger what karma remains unresolved and then there is the downtime to process it. Its a cleansing cycle. Helps to remember 'this too, shall pass."
With time as more stuff gets cleared the heights of the roller coaster calm down, but there will still be peaks and valleys on a longer orbit. For me it tends to be tied a little bit to the solstices and equinoxes, and many have observed the k-list is more active of a full moon. Earth energy peaks offering cleansing, and part of cleansing is finding out where the dirt is...
There are a lot of people who seem to think that enlightenment turns you into some sort of eternally happy valium robot... it doesnt. We remain human, with the full spectrum of human emotions available.
Even Gandhi had a bad hair day sometimes.
oh wait, he didnt have hair...