Myself:
37 yrs old. Own my own company. I now live in the United States but spent over ¾ of my life traveling to and living in different countries all over the world. My work keeps me traveling on a global basis. (Europe, Asia, Africa, Etc%hellip) As a result I have developed a strong desire to study and experience as much of the cultural of the country I am visiting as possible. %ndash . This also includes a study of the local philosophy in regards to politics and religion. I try an incorporate as much of what I take as %ldquogood%rdquo from these cultures into my life. If studying a certain subject requires attending an event I will do so if possible.
My Wife:
30 yrs old. She has never left the United States. (I am planning to take her to Europe later this year however.) Extremely intelligent though threw no fault of her own was unable to obtain the formal education she deserved. (A long story of abuse in her household as a child led to the courts declaring her an emancipated minor at the age of 14.)
Over the years our bond of trust in each other has grown complete %ndash Now%hellip How does all this relate to Tantra%hellip?
Our studies seem to be working like this---
I bone up on a technique %ndash breathing, the study of charka activation etc and then pass this on to her. Although this works per say it is by far not the most efficient method of study. Why like this? She is unwilling to attend a formal course in the art of Tantra. I attribute this directly to her being abused in her formative years %ndash unwilling or unable to learn / share with others for fear of being abused yet again%hellip.
Can any of you think of a way to help her overcome this fear?
Do any of you think that if I take a course on my own %ndash would I then be able to effectively pass on the art to her? (I have yet to discuss this idea with her %ndash I am not sure if she would be comfortable with this idea)
Any ideas at all would be helpful%hellip
Thanks
Dale
: Can any of you think of a way to help her overcome this fear?
: Do any of you think that if I take a course on my own %ndash would I then be able to effectively pass on the art to her? (I have yet to discuss this idea with her %ndash I am not sure if she would be comfortable with this idea)
: Any ideas at all would be helpful%hellip
hi Dale,
i think it is important to keep your wife feeling as comfortable as possible, given her background of abuse... if you are talking about classes where you are physically involved with another woman, i think that is likely to make your wife feel insecure, even if she tells you it is ok...
the emphasis on getting her to get over her fears is focusing on a negative, sending her subliminal messages that she is not ok... why is attending these courses so important to you? focusing on what pleasures your wife can get comfortable with is likely to be the best place to start...
perhaps reading some tantra books together would be helpful... Margo Anand may be the best author on sexual tantra for couples... also the book: "ESO: How You and Your Lover Can Give Each Other Hours of Extended Sexual Orgasm" by Alan and Donna Brauer (available at Amazon.com), will blow your mind... it has taught me to have more intense and ecstatic orgasms without ejaculating than i can have while ejaculating... and i have at times had them continously for over an hour... Mystress Angelique is the one who suggested it to me... and i will be eternally grateful to her for that (among so many other things...*smiling*)
there is also a movie called Bliss (from 1997) about a couple exploring tantra where the wife has a history of sexual abuse... it is available at most video rental stores... and there are a number of other interesting videos the two of you can watch together...
also, it might be helpful if she is taking this Fire Serpent Tantra course with you... if she feels an interest... although it is important not to push this on her if she is not ready and willing...
warmly,
percyval
Hello, Dale:
I read about your situation when you posted to the K-list.. did not respond then, as I am spending less time at my computer these days...
My thoughts tend to revolve around one word you use: efficiency! What I feel, is that you are focusing on the goal, and perhaps you need to consider, "the joy is in the journey!" You have already learned that pushing your wife to grow is not effective, and it is especially not effective with Tantra and Kundalini! Trying to push K. can lead to psychosis, and trying to push someone to grow past old wounds can lead to them just shutting down even more.
So perhaps it might be useful to look for perfection in the way things are. It is no accident that Goddess brought you two together, perhaps it is valuable for you to take things more slowly, and learn the material more completely so as to be able to pass it on. It is very easy to get caught up in wanting it all, NOW.. yet.. that is not what Goddess has set up for you, so it may be that the slower pace your wife sets, may be helping you to stay grounded. she may be the anchor that keeps your kite from blowing away in the wind. The string on yur ballon that keeps it from soaring to an atmosphere where it would burst.
Chop wood, carry water.
I can understand where your wife is coming from.. I have some abuse history of my own, and so I have never really had a "Guru." As soon as some teacher said something that was not resonant with my inner voice, I was out of there! I could not trust them to know what is best for me if their teachings were in conflict with my own "inner Guru." As a result, my path was very slow.. but also very thorough. I learned all of the pitfalls along the path by falling into them, personally and learning on my own how to get back out. My teachers were many, and they vaied from people and books to trees, to wind and stones.. and most of all, experience!
I also have a personal motto taken from Richard Bach: "I teach best, what I most need to learn." I was not able to surrender to really being a student, but there were always people coming to me asking questions, and the answers my inner voice provided for them, taught me a lot! So, your needing to learn the lessons more completely so as to be able to pass the information onto her, serves you very well!
The essence of tantra for couples, is to see the Divine in your partner as well as yourself. I think, if you take that perspective you will see that perhaps Goddess is speaking through her, to tell you to slow down and cherish the moment, in the here and now and not be so focused on the future goals. Focusing on the future takes you out of the moment, and the point of power is in the here and now.
You are judging her relative learning speed and that seems to be the source of your dissatisfaction.. yet, you both have your whole lives to grow into this, and the growing never stops, even when you both become self realized. We are like trees, when we stop growing, we die.
I allow couples to take this course together and share a membership.. even if they are covering the material at a different pace. This internet based school allows her to explore the material at her own pace, and she does not have to get into any kind of group situation that may be uncomfortable for her.
One thing is for sure.. wanting her to be different than she is, and putting pressure on her, will not serve to help her get past the abuse! You are being given the opportunity to grow into new levels of patience, acceptance, compassion and love. Trust that Goddess will bring up her abuse issues at a pace that she can handle, and focus on being there to support her with your love and acceptance, when they do come up. Make a safe space for her to grow, and she will grow.
I would suggest that rather than overtly playing teacher, you simply model your own growth, talk to her about what you are learning and how it is affecting you, what you are getting from the process and let her ask questions as her interest allows. Set aside your desire to change her, and focus on your own inner process, and share yourself and your experiences with her without expectations of how you want her to respond. Your being father along in the tatnra process than she is, does not preclude you from enjoying Tantra together.. teachers and students have a lovely relationship even tho they are not at the same level. It may be the best thing to rewrite her emotional history, for you to be a model of a wise, compassionate and accepting male that she did not have in her formative years. Paint a new picture over the old, and the scene changes.
At the same time, while you may think she is far behind you in the process, it is possibly that she is actually ahead of you, simply because she is female! That may sound sexist, but it is true! By virtue of our DNA, our brain structure and hormones, women tend to naturally be intuitive, in touch with their bodies and feelings in a way that men only attain through focus and work. You are focused on what you want to teach her: see Goddess in her, and focus on what you can learn from her, by seeing perfection in who she is and what she does.
hope this helps.. Blessings!
PS: The books percyval recommends are excellent!
: My Wife and I are starting out journey along the path of Tantra. However we seem to be traveling at different speeds along the path. Realizing that no one on this list truly knows us some basic background information is now in order%hellip.. Presented in two sections ---
: Myself:
: 37 yrs old. Own my own company. I now live in the United States but spent over ¾ of my life traveling to and living in different countries all over the world. My work keeps me traveling on a global basis. (Europe, Asia, Africa, Etc%hellip) As a result I have developed a strong desire to study and experience as much of the cultural of the country I am visiting as possible. %ndash . This also includes a study of the local philosophy in regards to politics and religion. I try an incorporate as much of what I take as %ldquogood%rdquo from these cultures into my life. If studying a certain subject requires attending an event I will do so if possible.
: My Wife:
: 30 yrs old. She has never left the United States. (I am planning to take her to Europe later this year however.) Extremely intelligent though threw no fault of her own was unable to obtain the formal education she deserved. (A long story of abuse in her household as a child led to the courts declaring her an emancipated minor at the age of 14.)
: Over the years our bond of trust in each other has grown complete %ndash Now%hellip How does all this relate to Tantra%hellip?
: Our studies seem to be working like this---
: I bone up on a technique %ndash breathing, the study of charka activation etc and then pass this on to her. Although this works per say it is by far not the most efficient method of study. Why like this? She is unwilling to attend a formal course in the art of Tantra. I attribute this directly to her being abused in her formative years %ndash unwilling or unable to learn / share with others for fear of being abused yet again%hellip.
: Can any of you think of a way to help her overcome this fear?
: Do any of you think that if I take a course on my own %ndash would I then be able to effectively pass on the art to her? (I have yet to discuss this idea with her %ndash I am not sure if she would be comfortable with this idea)
: Any ideas at all would be helpful%hellip
: Thanks
: Dale