Bullies have projected false responsibility and guilt on me for important periods of my life, probably playing out and passing on their own dramas of harassment from parents, older siblings, bosses and colleagues. For some reason I never passed it on, as they did, but assumed responsibility and handled it internally instead. Probably that was not a very smart thing to do. But at home, my mother always used guilt to make me comply. So, I was kind of used to it and felt guilty for them picking on me, probably wondering if there was not after all some hidden grain of truth behind their most often irrational and obviously false allegations or at least some reason why I deserved this punishment.
This pattern has formed my way of living to such an extent that the assuming of responsibility and internal processing has become a major part of my way of thinking and therefore most often unconscious. Thus, the major decisions in my life have often ended up being about "How can I avoid causing anyone to be hurt?" (Often impossible of course! And my attempt most often backfired; if nobody else was hurt, I was!) instead of "What do I really want?". And as I said, often I have not even been aware of how irrational this way of asking the question actually is; as I have been too busy feeling guilty and trying to answer it instead.
These last years I have been attending this course (except for the graduation, for which I did not feel ready) and, since 2006, practicing kundalini-yoga meditations for different purposes intensively and got yogic healing every week. Life has gradually changed from a dark cavern lit only by the light from my heart to a waste space with several sources of light both within me and outside of me. Most of the ghosts of old have left, or at least they live me alone. Still, whenever an important issue comes up or a major opportunity comes my way, that calls for a decision, this old theme of assuming responsibility and processing internally (i.e. suffering) comes up making me irrationally doubting even my most deeply felt convictions.
Even when I know for sure what I really want I often cannot have it â€" or anything else â€" because the doubt is always balancing my will to do what is required to get it and thus making me unable to act rationally and efficiently. Here is also one odd detail: the doubt (false responsibility for others, irrational guilt and hesitation etc) always seems to be kind of exactly balancing my will to take action to realize my goal, thus making me paralysed and unable to take action in any of the both (or more) directions available. I cannot act on my doubts or fears; neither on my deepest felt desires. As a consequence of this, I often feel lost and tortured in important decision-making, in spite of the facts that deep inside I know what I want and that my intuition is normally rather good.
My way of dealing with the suffering from this odd quasi-ethical pattern has most often been the method suggested by Eckhart Tolle; to light it up with my consciousness, which is also similar to the yogic pratyahara exercise. However, it appears to me I have been dealing only with the symptoms or with the top of an ice-berg. Only these last months I have started to grasp the fact that what I thought was symptoms from diverse smaller issues actually steam from the same major pattern in my life.
Now, this old pattern has come up and sabotaged my life in relation to an issue which I perceive as very important (although it is too private to mention even here). As a result of this, much more of the complex issues govern by this pattern has been revealed to my conscious mind. Therefore I have decided to finally take more efficient measures to accept and surrender it.
So please Goddess take all my false or irrational responsibility, guilt, fear, doubt and hesitation. Take them in top down fashion from point of origin and please take the holes too. They are all yours! Thank your very much!