Working through ego issues, which seem to be masking feelings of low self-esteem and self worth.
I have been doing a ‘surrender to my D.B. ritual’ at least three times a day for he past three weeks. It seems to have brought loads of stuff up to be assessed, accepted and surrendered. So powerful is the feeling of helplessness… shadow stuff swirling around in me, making me feel nauseous most of the time.
Part of me welcomes this shift in perception; another is feeling really cornered, angry and panic stricken. All this is bringing to the surface the ‘fall out’ from my relationship with my ex-wife. As I have mentioned in previous posts that my ex is extremely sensitive and empathic; what’s hard for me to chew at the moment is that she tried to explain then what my ego was doing to myself and how my behaviour was destroying our marriage, but I was not ready to see or hear it. I am wrestling with a torment of how things could have been different and now blame myself, mostly, for the breakdown of our marriage.
Looking at all this stuff, part of me misses that role I played. The unfortunate truth of it was I had a perverted sense of caring for them, which created a safe space to live… ego attaching itself to the role, which ultimately didn’t help matters. I wasn’t truly coming from my heart, which saddens me because the relationship started on that note. In reflection, I feel the falseness in my every action; I was wriggled with ego on a subtle level, which was covered with good intentions. How this all makes me feel ashamed, my shadow is really cunning and ugly. Its been hard to accept and love this in me, but posting my thoughts here helps.
Mystress, Once again I am truly grateful, because without the act of surrender I would be going nuts at the moment. :-\ Thank you.
p.s sorry for spewing all this out on this space, but it seems to help me focus more clearly on the hidden agendas issues behind my stuff.